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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
my husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely thinks before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak
Dr Voodi Suryaprakash Rao
HRM IN THE HEREAFTER
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told... Devil looked at her smiled and told...looked at her smiled and told...
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee.."
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on,inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
Maj AJ Kkuryan
Examples of the political systems - How it works in the Middle East:
DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to sell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention
QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows' boobs in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.
OMAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. After a huge public speech in which you declare cow milking as a landmark initiative that will diversify the economy away from oil. You first spend a year doing nothing, then you spend 1 year on planning to milk them properly and safely, another one year to get the proper ministry approvals to milk them. By the time you actually get around to milking the cows, the cows are dead.
BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk the cow at the same time to cut back on unemployment.
SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of the curtain and the guy milking the cow on the other.
Melissa Sonali Monteiro
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SH** !!!!!!!........."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
CORPORATE LESSON #1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
Major A J Kuryan (Retd)
IQ TEST
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his
one need.
Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman
you fix your legs & move your ass.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at
night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward. forward. backward.forward.backward..forward.stop
and eject.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: Who is a gynaecologist ?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place,
where most people find pleasure.
7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible,
Energetic,
Adorable,
Sweet,
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: Which side of the cup is the handle?
A: On the outside.
Antonio Lobo
Greatest Paradoxes Ever
Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying, "I would pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court".
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee,student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money".
Equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything".
This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.
Major A J Kuryan (Retd)
Job Allocations – Guidelines in the new century
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM
IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN
ENGINEERING.
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN
PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they claim to be finding out the facts and not the faults – PUT THEM IN QUALITY / AUDIT
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
If they are re-inventing the wheel – PUT THEM IN TRAINING
If they are leveraging other people’s knowledge & claiming it to be theirs – PUT THEM IN RESEARCH & ANALYSIS
If they think they are doing everybody a favour – PUT THEM IN CUSTOMER SUPPORT
If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they continue to make private phone calls – PUT THEM IN TELEMARKETING
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE
MATERIALS DEPT / ADMIN.
If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT.
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT!!! |
John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.
John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,
So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.
Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."
"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.
John replied, "Which team did she play for?"
