To: United States of America
From: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Northern Ireland
RE: Declaration of Independence
In response to
your humourous statement that reached London on August 10th 1776, we
had a quick flick through it but couldn’t be bothered to read whatever drivvel
was included, although after researching we discovered it was you believed
reason we went to war with you back then. We were actually more than miffed
that you dumped all that tea into Boston Harbour during a Party that we didn’t
get invited too; it also created an ecological hazard to the Sea which we
adore*
Last week after
around 229 years I actually deciphered the chicken scratch that you’ve sent us,
(they’re talking about given me an Knighthood), so I felt it was polite to
write back. Sorry its taken so long.
*Due to monitary
inflation, as well as interest, you still stand to owe us £12 billion (or
Trillion in your quant scale) in unpaid debts. Repayments need to be in any
time now, we’ve been exteremely patient with you so far.
When in the
Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to rise up and
stand for the truth and freedoms that in turn have connected them with another,
and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to
which the Laws of Nature and entitlement to respect whatever God or Deity they
seem fit, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should
declare the causes which impel them to their Insurrection.
We hold these
truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are
endowed by their respective Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among
these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. -- That to secure these
rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from
the consent of the governed through fear, oppression, taxation and neglect --
That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive and shows these ends,
it is the Right of the People to rise up and abolish it, and to institute new
Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers
in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and
Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established
should not be changed for light and transient causes; but when the New
Goverments themsevles become old they must, as
all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer,
while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to
which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations,
pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under
absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such
Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. -- Such has
been the patient sufferance of these Powers of the World; and such is now the
necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.
The history of the present Presidents of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and
usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute
Tyranny over those whom still strive to respect them for the ideals they claim
to hold dearly. However, these contrivances of idiosyncratic proclamitions do
not do the terms of Liberty and Justice well, their protastations ignorant of
the single facts of the matter. To
prove this, let Facts be submitted to a World that is already suffering from the
Pioty that is being imposed.
We, therefore,
the Representatives of Great Britain, speaking for the World of Mankind, hereby
appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World
for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the
Authority of the good People of these lands, solemnly publish and declare, That
these Goverments are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Nations;
that they are Absolved from all Allegiance and Obligation to the States of
America, and that all political connection between them and the States, is and
ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Nations, they
have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish
Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Nations may of right do without feer or oppresion
from these United States. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm
reliance on the Protection from the rest of Mankind, we mutually pledge to each
other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honour to force the Unconditional
Surrender of the Peoples to whom Acts that violate the freedom and santity of
Humankind.
Liberty and
Justice for ALL.
Yours sincerely,
Simon Tett
August 17th
2005
PS. Honour has a “U,” please consult your nearest dictionary.