:) Preoccupy
may.06.06|14.48
One thing Barny advised me to do:
Preoccupy myself.
If I keep myself busy... I wouldn't think about him much.
So I went out. Trisha, Genotz, Genber, Tin, Rejoice and Barnz went to Gateway yesterday. A li'l farewell gathering for Barnz. :) Chino isn't going to call today anyway.. so I might as well make the most out of my day.
But how come I still think of him? I cant keep myself from wondering what it would be like if he was with me...
Here are some of the stuff I was thinking about:
1. Yesterdays meeting place: National Bookstore Main Branch - When Chino and I were going to go out with Arvs, we usually meet here
2. Eating at KFC - Chino and I usually eats here. He always orders Teriyaki and extra rice
3. Timezone - Chino talked me into buying my first Timezone card.
4. Dance Mania - Genber got really hooked playing this game, so we were at the machine almost the whole day. Could you imagine chino trying to dance? >_>
5. Crane games - Tin-tin won 2 stuffed toys at the Crane game. Chino always wanted to win me something from one of those
6. Da Vinci Code Movie - it opens May 18. Our monthasary and chino's B-day
But at least it was good recollections. And Im pretty much okay now. chino will be calling a bit later so Im looking forward to it :)
:| Distance...
may.4.06|22.02
Yesterday wasn't what I expected.
Yesterday was fucked like ...pie >_>
I know that we were going to talk about this distance thing.. and I was pretty set to NOT go through all this. I’m a selfish li'l brat. :p But no one told me it had to start RIGHT AWAY! ><
I was actually expecting that the day will be fine. I didn't really take the upcoming issue of the distance thing too seriously, because I was going to say no.
So we were at Barnz house and I was completely oblivious to everything. I tried to bring it up while they were playing video games, but he said we had to talk about it later.
So just before we went home, we stopped at Ali Mall so we could talk there. And there he explained it to me.
Our relationship is definitely screwed. His parents, hate me [his mom and I are okay, we even talked on the phone for a while, but I think his dad loathes me]. Chino tells me that it’s about his elder sister’s history with a relationship thing. So he keeps it a secret from them. As for my parents they actually know about it, but it’s not a very good status either. My granddad said he wasn't going to pay for my college when he knew about it. So basically it’s pretty crappy.
Chino is going to tell his parents that we've broken up. But it’s not the first time he's said that. He'd told his parents that before and tried to keep our relationship a secret, but it didn't really work. They knew. But he needs to SHOW them that were really separated now. So that means no phone calls, no secret meetings, no, no, nada.
And I was all... Never?! I find it even hard to not talk on the phone with you?! How do you think I could keep that up for FOUR years without losing it?!!! But he said we could see each other.. every 18th, our monthsary. But, pfft... that’s still crap.
If there's one thing I can't live with, its distance.. from something I love. I'll probably kill if I’m not allowed to play video games. I'll probably die if I went to jail. And video games are dust bunnies compared to Chi. I don't know why either, back when I still liked... some certain person who is probably could read this post so I'm not mentioning his name... I didn't care if I couldn't see him. I've probably only been with him for 3 or 4 times! ... But I only liked him, so it must be different too..
The whole thing was surreal to me. I was a bit numb. I didn't accept that it was really happening right away. But as we were about to go home.. it sank right into me. If this was real, then this is the last time I will get to see him. The last time I will get to talk to him. I didn't want to go home yet. But he said he must go home now... because it was part of his plan that he told his parents that we broke up today.. And if we stay together any longer it would be too hard to leave. But I didn't want to! That just sucks.. this may be the last time I will get to be with him and he has to leave right away? I held him firmly by the arm and we walked around Araneta for a bit. I was a bit crying while we walked. He tried to explain it to me again. I understood well enough that it was a bigger gain for us if we did this now, but I didn't want to be separated from him. Not by any means.
And in the parking lot near Rustan's.. he suddenly threw his arms around my waist and kissed me.
it reminded me so much of the time we first kissed. I didn't want to leave even more. ;_;
Then I got him to accompany me home. But I still didn't want him to go. I buried my nails in his arms when he tried to walk away. We waited for the jeep that Chino will take home. When it arrived, though I didn't want to.. he left.
I didn't sleep well at all that night. I kept on waking up and I'd fall asleep crying again.
When I woke up I called Barny up. He tried reassuring me that Chino loves me and that he doesn't want this either. He said that saying goodbye to the one person he loves most is hard. Chino isn't the type to go for another, either. It will be fine. But I was lonely. Chino is the only person I have. What will I do without him? Even now as I feel sad about all this I wanted him to give me comfort, but its ironic that it’s his absence is the same thing I’m sad about.
If at least he could call me every other day, or if he stops by my school every once in a while, even if it’s so sad, I'll try to go endure it. At least I'll be looking forward to something not so far away. I managed to call him and he told me that he misses me just as badly and agrees to call me every other day right away.
And right away I felt better.
:( "We need to talk"
may.2.06|21.11
I hate that sentence. >_>
I called Chino up a few minutes ago, and the first thing he said to me is Barny just arrived from his 3 week seminary thingy. And we're to go to his house tomorrow.
Why? 'Cause we need to talk.
He didn't want to tell me what are we supposed to talk about on the phone, but he knows me, and he shouldn't have said anything at all if he didn't want it mentioned. So I got him to tell me at least what’s it about.
Topic of "the talk": Distance And in an instant, I knew what the fluck this was about. It’s about this college thing. Chi and I are going to different schools. And I know how crappy that is, for me at least. Classes were a pain. School bored me to the deepest crevices of... somewhere. >_> If I had my way with it, I wouldn’t go do that again. ESPECIALLY not again. This is college. And I know what Barnz is thinking. [I’m going to take psychology for ...*something*'s sake! And so is Chino ! What's with the group therapy?! >_> for some reason we always been a therapy group... why? ;_;] It has something to do with me... About my being a Chino-holic (term coined by Genber) He probably thinks I have an issue...
I don't have an issue, damn you!!! >o<
But I know, they probably think it would be better [less stressful] for both of us if we could get used to the distance some people try to squeeze in between us. Heck, its going to be four years in college. I’m going to study in WCC here in Aurora and he's going to Dominican in San Juan . It’s not an impossibly great distance, but I guess I’m really attached. If I can I'd want to be with him always. And here he goes telling me we need to get used to this. I know he doesn't mean that he doesn't care or what, but I don’t want to get used to it. I don’t know how much he misses me if I’m not with him, I picture him getting along fine if I can't talk to him on the phone or if he can't go outside, but for me its quite ...well, bad. If I wanted it easy I WOULD try to get myself used to it. I'd feel a lot better. But I don’t, I NEVER want to get used to it. I don’t know why they think that somehow this would get really bad and we'd be fighting over this. I mean, I know it causes some problems, but is it wrong for me to want to be with him? What misunderstanding could arise from that? I know Chino is that type of person who would see that. I understand if Chino is used to it. It’s good for him... its fine with me. But I don’t want to forget... how much I feel. Though it’s an awful feeling, to be as if the whole world had left me, it’s fine because I would never let it die out in me. I’m always reminded how great my feeling is for him.
I must sound screwed. I don’t know If I could say this to them tomorrow. <_< Maybe I'll say something childish like, cause I don't want to.. :p or I'll et them read my blog. Pffft.. right. I'd never even give them a peek. I'll just beat Chino up and tell him It's none of his business. I’m not going to say something sappy with Barnz around. Hell no. :p *kills Barny* Die you dino!! I hate j00!
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