November 20th, 2003
By: May Saephanh
The traumatic events began on the first night the beautiful white powder known as snow approached the grounds of Portland, in the winter of 2003. My life from that point on has changed dramatically and since then, my entire point of view has modified as well.
On the day of November 20, 2003, it started to snow. Melissa, Tiffany, and I squealed with joy, hoping that the school would let us out early. They did not, so we waited for the day to end and for school to be over, and gosh it seemed to take forever. Finally, the music started playing and everyone was excused. I came rushing out of class to meet up with Melissa and Tiffany to tell them about someone I was meeting up with after school.
"Melissa!" I screamed. "Where’s Tiffany?" I asked when she came rushing up to me.
"I don’t know, probably left already." Melissa replied.
"Oh." I said. "Well I guess she doesn’t have to meet him then."
"Meet who?" Melissa asked curiously.
"Andrew." I said.
"Oh, that hottie you’re always going off about." Melissa teased.
I looked at her for awhile and then asked her if she will please stay after with me to meet him. At first she gave me a long hard gaze and finally said,
"Of course I will hun. I’m not gonna let you hog all them fine looking boys." She joked.
"Thanks Melissa." I squealed, giving her a big hug.
We both waited by the main entrance until 4 o’clock and he still did not show. Melissa wanted to leave, but I begged her again to stay for another 15 minutes and if he did not show, I would walk her home. Then I saw him, walking down the steps towards the entrance doors. I stopped breathing and grabbed Melissa by her arm and whispered,
"There he is."
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Melissa said. "Go and greet your man."
"He’s my ex, not my man." I said opening the door as I walked out. "Andrew!" I shouted.
At first, he did not recognize me until I got closer.
"Hey, is that you Julie?" Andrew asked. "You’ve changed since the last time we met."
"Oh, is that so." I said embracing him with a hug.
Melissa showed up behind me and so I introduced her to Andrew. By then it started to snow again, so we went to Wendy’s to keep ourselves warm and got something to eat. Melissa ordered and came to the table Andrew and I was sitting at.
"Looks good Melissa." I teased her. "Someone seems to have a big appetite."
"Haha, whatever Julie." She teased back. "Half of this food is yours."
Andrew was quiet and did not seem to talk as much. He just sat there and smiled at me. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I felt his hands going up my legs to my thighs. I gave him a hard stare, and eventually he stopped, but started up again. Each time with a bigger, more innocent looking smile. I had to admit one thing, that smile of his makes me tingly all over. I felt uncomfortable, so I gave him another hard stare, and finally he stopped. Melissa saw what he was doing and she knew how much I disliked it, so she asked it we could take her home. The expression on Andrews’s face lit up, he all of a sudden looked happy, and that look on his face made me feel even more uncomfortable. We then finished the last of our food, bundled up and left. While we were walking Melissa home, Andrew came up to me and slipped his hands over mine.
"Such a lovely night." I said. "So calm and pretty."
"Yeah, but my girl is always prettier than anything else in this world." Andrew replied.
"Whatever, I don’t believe you." I said.
We walked Melissa halfway home and said our good-byes as we parted and went our separate ways. As we were walking towards my house, his grip on me tightened, and we changed directions and headed towards the park.
"Ow, Andrew that hurts." I said. "You don’t have to hold on to me that tight you know."
"Shut-up, I don’t care." He said. "Just follow me."
"No, I want to go home." I pleaded with him.
"Well Julie you can’t go home, I have something to show you, and besides I didn’t come all the way down here to just walk your friend home. Don’t worry, nothings going to happen. I just want to talk to you about something."
"Well you can talk to me about it now." I said. "I really want to go home."
"Just be quiet and follow me." Andrew said angrily.
By then it was dark already, and yes I was scared, so I just followed him. We walked to the park and sat at a play-set, and there he forced himself on me. At first, it was hard, passionate kisses, then it turned out to be reaching up my shirt and grabbing my chest.
"Andrew, STOP IT!" I yelled. "Let me go home!" "Please." I begged.
"Just do what I say, and I’ll let you go home." He yelled back at me. "I don’t want to hurt such a pretty girl like you, but damn if you don’t listen, I think I’m going to have too." He said slightly laughing.
That’s when I figured it all out, I was going to be raped. I never knew Andrew was that type of person, till now. Who knows what he will do to me afterwards? I was scared, and did not know what to do, but to follow orders. He held on to me hard to make sure that I would not get away. He kept kissing me and was enjoying himself, and as for me, I was really cold and uncomfortable. He then started reaching down my pants, but could not reach down, because of my belt.
"STOP IT!" I screamed. "I don’t want to do this Andrew."
"Baby, you’ll enjoy this." He said to me.
"Andrew!" "Let me go!" I screamed again.
He then kissed me so I would stop screaming. I turned my head away from his kiss and said,
"Stop it please." I begged.
Andrew then pushed me, and made me lay down. And before I knew it, he was on top of me, fumbling with my belt. He had a hard time getting it off and was becoming frustrated. I tried to move, but he pushed himself harder on top of me, blocking my breathing. He finally undid my belt and started pulling off my jeans. I tried to stop him from taking them off, but he was alot stronger than me, and got it off first. He then grabbed and pinned my arms down so hard on the play structure, that it made my arms go numb and made me helpless laying there. I could not believe this was happening to me. As I lay there not knowing what to do, tears started forming in my eyes and I started to cry. Out of nowhere, all my anger I held in burst out from me like a mean, green monster wanting to hurt him for what he is doing to me. I tried pushing him off me so that I would have a chance to get up and run. He did not move and seemed to know what I was trying to do, and so he pushed down on my stomach so hard that it knocked the living breath out of me.
"Baby don’t cry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but damn Julie, you were asking for it." Andrew whispered loudly into my ears.
Whimpering through tears of pain, I said to Andrew,
"Andrew what your doing is wrong. Just please let me go home. I don’t deserve to be treated like this."
"What I am doing is none of your business." He replied. "And don’t think about reporting this to the police either."
I started crying harder, not because of what he was doing to me, but because of how I lay there helplessly letting him force his body on mine. When I felt him trying to get his penis into me, I became so grossed out, I fought back. I was not going to let someone take my virginity away from me, especially him. I tried so hard not letting him put it inside me that I was tired and out of breath. He kept pushing me harder on my stomach making it harder for me to breathe. He got it half way in me, and I screamed.
"Andrew that hurts!" "STOP IT!"
"You know your enjoying it." He said back to me. "Don’t be denying it."
"I’m not denying anything, I’m telling the truth, it really hurts!" I yelled. "I’m really not enjoying this at all, and I want you to stop! Please."
"I’ll stop when I want to stop." Andrew answered back.
By then tears started to form in my eyes again. Nothing I said or done would stop him from what he was doing to me. I had no other way to stop the tears from coming, but to cry it all out. It was late and cold, all I wanted was to go home to where it was safe. Andrew seemed to get mad at me, and started yelling at me again.
"Spread your legs, damn it!"
"NO!" I screamed. "I am not going to spread my legs for you! I want to go home! Let me go home!" I kept yelling.
"Stop yelling Julie." He whispered. "If you stop I’ll stop."
"I’ll stop yelling if you let me go home!" I screamed at him. "HELP! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!"
He covered up my mouth with his hands.
"SHUTUP, damn it! Why cant you just be quiet?" He asked me."Don’t make things complicated for the both of us."
I bit his hands. He yelled in pain.
"Son of a _ _ _ _ _!" He screamed.
I got up trying to run away, but the next thing I knew was that I was on the ground unconscious. I did not know what had happen, but I can feel the right side of my cheeks burning hot.
"Julie, why in the world did you bite me?" He asked. "If you didnt bite me, than maybe i didn’t have to slap you so hard. Now do as I say, and no one will get hurt."
"You asshole!" I screamed at him. "Let me go home! What did I ever do to you?"
"You didn’t do nothing to me. You just fell in love with the wrong type of person." He said laughing at me. "Your so dumb Julie. You were so blinded in love that you didnt realize that everything I said to you were all lies."
I was so shocked I did not know how to react to the words he was saying to me. I was so hurt at that moment that I wish I were dead. I started sobbing harder than ever.
"Haha, look who’s crying now." Andrew said laughing. "Okay, now lets get back to business. I’m still not done with you just yet."
"Now what do you want?" I asked him. "Just please Andrew, please, let me go home."
"Not until you do one thing I ask for you to do, then you would be able to go home." He said. "Alright sweetie? Now give me a blow job."
"Are you crazy, why in the world would I do that?" I asked him.
"Just give it to me." He replied.
"No!" I yelled.
He became mad, grabbed my head and pulled me down to where I was head to head with his penis. I was about to barf, but held it in.
"Suck it." He whispered. "You’ll enjoy the taste of it."
"No way! Are you nuts or something!" I asked him. "Do I look like that type of girl to you?"
"Yes you do Julie. A dumb ass who liked me in the first place." He said to me. "Just suck it for christ sake. It’s not that hard."
"NO!" I said turning my head. "I don’t care, I’m not doing it. If you say it’s so easy, then why dont you do it your self?"
"Haha, your such a funny girl, Julie." He said. "Well then, if your not going to do what I say, you won’t be able to go home anytime soon." Andrew said.
"I don’t care if I don’t get to go home, I am not putting my mouth on that thing of yours." I answered him back.
"Are you sure about that Julie?" He asked me.
"Yes I am sure of it." I said. "I don’t care if you kill me in order to get my mouth on it, because there is no way I am putting that disgusting thing in my mouth."
In the midst of the night, I could tell by his tensed shoulders he was getting pissed. I was not following orders and I was surprised. He then grabbed me by my shoulders, and shook me so hard, my eyeballs felt like they were going to roll out of my eye socket. I screamed,
"STOP IT! What in the world are you trying to do to me?"
"Suck it!" He screamed at me.
"How many times do you want me to tell you, NO!" I yelled back at him.
"Damn Julie, why are you so complicated!" He yelled at me.
"Gosh Andrew, why don’t you just let me go home." I said angrily.
"Okay, since you wont give me a head, then give me hand job." He said. "Then maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you go home."
"Oh my gosh!" I screamed at him. "Why do you want me to do all these things?" I asked him.
"Well Julie, that’s because you turn me on." He said, smiling.
"Well Andrew, guess what?"
"What?"
"I’m not going to do that either!" I yelled at him.
He then grabbed my hands and forced me to grab his penis. It was the nastiest thing I ever felt in my entire life. I tried pulling my hands off, but he grabbed it and would not let me let go of his penis. He then told me to jerk it. I did not do it, so he moved my hands up and down, enjoying himself, while I sat there sobbing. Through tears, I asked him
"May I please go home now, Andrew?" I begged him.
"No, you may not, Julie." He said. "You still haven’t done what I asked of you to do."
"Andrew!" I groaned. "Just please let me go home."
"Not until you give me a hand job. Then you will be able to go home." He said to me.
I sat there starting to cry again. I did not want to give him a hand job, nor did i want him to do anything to me. I was lost, confused and scared. As I sat there staring into the starless night through tear-filled eyes, Andrew zipped up his pants. I was relieved that he was finally letting me go home. I let out a long sigh. All of a sudden he made me lay down again. And there he started again. He stuck his tongue inside my mouth and was enjoying it, while his hands were massaging my chests. I lay there helplessly, like a lost child, not saying anything. I knew he would not do anything, even if I told him to stop. Nothing mattered to him, only getting what he wanted mattered. Time seemed to go by so slowly, as I lay there. When he finally stopped kissing me, I yelled.
"Andrew! What the hell is your problem?" "Why can’t you accept the fact that I do not enjoy this, and that I want to go home?"
"Alright you want to go home Julie? Get up!" He said loudly.
Not paying attention to what he was saying, I just sat there not hearing him.
"Can’t you hear me? I said, get up!"
This time I heard him and done what he asked me to do. I stood up.
"Put your pants on." He asked.
I put my pants on and tightened my belt tightly. Making sure that if he was to get into my pants again, he will not be able to.
"Good girl, Julie. Now give me a kiss good-bye." Andrew asked.
I gave him a disgusted look and turned my head away from his, so he would not look at me. He then got angry, reached out and grabbed my jaws so tightly with his hands that it felt like he was trying to snap them in half.
"Ow!" I said in a muffled voice.
"Look Julie." He said through clenched teeth. "This is the last thing I am going to ask of you to do. Now kiss me!"
I jerked away from his grip and started walking down the steps of the play-set. Suddenly I felt a hard push coming from the back of me, I lost balance and control and went crashing headfirst into the snow covered ground.
"Ah, HELP ME!" I screamed.
"Haha. Look who tripped." Andrew said laughing.
I did not know what to do. I lay there not knowing what to do, just waiting for the dizziness to pass. My forehead was burning and aching. My heart was beating faster than a wild fire. Finally, I made myself sit up. Andrew came up and stood staring down at me. He then stuck out his hand to help me up, but I slapped it away.
"Oh yeah, now you decide to be nice to me." I said. "I mean come on, right now I dont need your help! Just get away from me!" I yelled.
"Fine, I don’t care." He said. "You don’t want my help, then that’s fine with me."
"After the living hell I had just been through, I don’t need your help at all." I told him.
As I stood up and tried to walk, my right leg started to hurt. I winced each time I took a step. Trying to keep the tears from coming, I focused on the pain coming from my leg.
"Oh man Julie, are you all right?" Andrew asked.
" Does it look like I’m alright to you?" I asked.
"Well no. You’re limping. I never meant for that to happen." He said.
"Oh, is that the truth you’re finally telling me?" I questioned him. "Or is it more of your lies?" I said, starting to cry. "I mean come on, you did say I was dumb enough to fall in love with a person like you, right? You do not know how much you have hurt me Andrew." "Not physically, but emotionally."
"Oh well. Doesn’t matter to me how you feel, just remember one thing, which is that you were nothing to me, but a play toy." He said harshly.
Just hearing those words made me hurt even deeper. I just stood there, clueless. Andrew came up to tell me he was leaving. I did not care if he left and never came back. I just wished that the things that happened tonight would be erased and had never happened. He changed his mind and came back to me.
"Julie, let me walk you home." Andrew said smiling.
"I can walk home myself. And like I told you before, I don’t need your help." I said.
"Well you have no choice. I’m going the same direction as you." He said. "So might as well walk my baby home."
"No, I’m fine. I can make it home on my own." I told him. "You can go your own way. And please stop calling be your baby."
The last thing I wanted was to let him walk me home. As I started limping towards home, Andrew followed me. I fell a couple of times and he offered to help, but I yelled at him, which made him mad. As we got closer to my house, the pains in my legs were really starting to kick in. I could barley stand on my right leg. I wanted to stop and rest, but then I thought to myself, I had to stay strong and keep going until I made it safely home. After all that I had just gone through, all the pain I have suffered I cannot give up now. I cannot show him I was weak. With that thought in my head, I walked with my head held high. We finally came to the street I lived on.
"Well Julie, here is your stop." Andrew said. "Want to give me a hug?"
"No." I said.
He came up, hugged me anyways, and started walking towards the bus stop without ever looking back. As I unlocked the lock and went into my house, I walked straight into the bathroom, turned on hot water and took a long shower, scrubbing every part of my body, hoping to be clean again. As I got out of the shower, I checked out my body, and the bruises I found were not pretty. I had two big bruises on my back and another bruise in the middle of my arm. My face was red, and my eyes were all puffy. My right leg was swollen and was as big as the size of a baby pumpkin. Staring into the reflection of the girl looking back at me, I thought it could not be me. As I stared back at my reflection, I started to cry. I went straight to bed not saying a word to my family. As I lay in bed that night visions of Andrew flashed through my head keeping me awake. Finally, I fell into a deep, restless sleep.
"Rise and shine everyone!" The radio buzzed loudly.
I groaned as I turned the alarm clock off. I was sore and aching all over. My bruises became dark-bluish purple, and my ankle was throbbing with unbelievable pain.
"Mom!" I shouted. "Do we have any pain killers?"
"What?" My mom asked me, peeking into my room.
"Do we have any medicine to help a swollen sprained ankle?" I asked.
"Um, I think we might have Advil and Tylenol. Why do you need the pills for?" Mom asked.
"I slipped on the snow yesterday at school." I lied to my mother.
"Are you alright? Let me look at it." She asked.
As I showed my mom my swelled up ankle, she winced at me and gave me a long stare.
"Are you sure you slipped on snow Julie? It looks like you fell down hard on something and your ankle slammed into some kind of metal."
"Mom I am sure, I slipped on snow and not nothing hard." I told her.
"Well okay, I’ll go and get you some extra strength Tylenol." Mom said.
"Thanks mom, your the best." I said giving her a hug.
I wanted to tell my mother about what had really happened last night to me, but the words just did not seem to come out. I did not want to keep it all trapped inside of me. Mom came back into my room and gave me two Tylenol pills. As she was walking out, I said,
"Hey mom..."
"Yes sweetheart?" Mom answered.
"Oh, uh never mind. I forgot what I wanted to tell you." I said.
"Oh, okay. If you think of it again come and tell me, okay? I’ll be downstairs." She said.
"Okay."
I limped painfully from the bathroom back to my room. As I got ready to school, I thought about Melissa and Tiffany about how they would re-act seeing me limping to school. I touched my bruises and winced in pain remembering what had happened the night before.
"See you later sweetheart." Mom said as I got out of the car.
"Bye." I said waving to her.
As I limped my way into school, Melissa came running up to me.
"Oh my god Julie, what happened? Are you okay?" Melissa asked. "Don’t tell me Andrew done this to you."
"Be quiet and let me tell you." I said to her.
We walked into the nearest bathroom and there I showed her all the bruises that he had gave me.
"Damn girl! I cannot believe that jerk done this to you! Melissa shouted. "What else did he do to you?"
"A lot of things." I told Melissa.
"What! Are you serious?"
"Yes I am serious. You think I would do all this to myself?" I asked her.
"I don’t know..."
"I was raped Melissa." I told her not being able to hold back the tears any longer I started to cry. I do not know what to do any more. My entire life has changed all because of last night. I just cannot believe this had happened to me. I sobbed. "Melissa, he ruined my life. I do not want to be hurt and sad like this, Melissa. I just wish that all the pain I am feeling and going through right now would all just floats away." I sobbed. "I mean come on, how can I be so gullible in falling in love with a jerk like Andrew anyways? I guess the saying, "Love makes a person blind," has a true meaning to it, because I was blinded by his love and was not able to tell the truth from the lies.
"Aw Julie, come here." Melissa said. "You are a strong girl, you can fight the pain. Just do not give up."
Melissa came up to me and gave me a long, comforting hug, while I stood there and cried amongst her shoulders.
"Melissa, you are such a good friend to me. I pray we will stay friends forever. I just hope that if you ever fall in love, that you or him will not rush things, but to take things step by step so that way you won’t end up suffering from pain like me." I said to Melissa. "I just don’t want you to be dumb like me for letting someone take control of my body and forcing me into doing something I did not want to do. I am a victim of rape. Nothing I can say or do will change the fact that I was not." I said to Melissa.
"Yes you can Julie. You can still report this to the police." Melissa suggested.
"I wish I can, Melissa, I really do, but then I can’t." I told her quietly.
"Why in the world not?" She asked me.
"Well just things he said to me." I told her.
"Things like...?" Melissa questioned me curiously.
"Things like you don’t need to know." I said back to her.
Sigh. "I wish my life was back to normal. I want to be the girl everyone used to know. A happy, go-lucky teenage girl who enjoys life and what it brings each and every day." I said. "I thought I was in a deep relationship with Andrew, but in the end I was wrong. In the end, I realized that the mirror reflecting the lies had shattered into thousands of tiny little pieces, and the truth behind the lies and shattered glass had revealed to me the type of person Andrew truly was. A rotten, two-faced, lying asshole that had to make up lies to make me like him and not for the person he was. Not only did he rape me, but also he has made me look differently on the way life is. Also, Andrew has taken away the one that that I valued most in my life, my virginity." I told Melissa through tear-filled eyes.
By then, Melissa also began to cry.
"Melissa don’t make the same choices as me. I had made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons. Now look at me, I cannot even keep a meaningful smile without a tear streaming down my face." I whispered to Melissa. "I just wish I can change all this before it all happened." I sighed deeply.
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...." The music blasted through the intercoms making the both of us jump.
"Looks like it is time for class." Melissa said.
"Yeah. I sort of don’t want to go." I said to Melissa.
"Well you cannot stay in the bathroom throughout the entire school day you know." Melissa told me.
"Yeah I know. I guess we’ll go to class then." I said to Melissa.
"Okay."
As we parted and went to our classes, I limped to my class and sat down. Before I knew it, school was over. As the days and weeks passed, things had changed dramatically for me. I started becoming light headed and sick. I did not know what was going on with me. Until one day I found out, I was pregnant.
