Oh, The Thinks You Can Think!

When DST1 was nearly 14 months, after two weeks of having him wake (and feed) eveyr hour... I was exhausted.  I found myself wishing he would go back to his usual "waking every 2 hours", and at the same time heard of (seemingly) tonnes of babies sleeping for hours on end, even all the way through the night.

I decided to take advantage of having dh home on holdiay, and asked if he would sleep with DST1 so I could be alone and get mroe than an hour's rest.  He decided it would be best if DST1 slept on the couch (where he goes for his nap), and he owuld sleep on a mattress on the floor next to him.

Long story short, it all went brilliantly- he slept for 6 hours!  He had never slept more than 4 in his life, and that only a handful of times at best.  The pattern of goign to sleep at 11pm, waking at 1am, 3am, 5am, 6am had been goign on since he was at least 2 months old.  I woke at the same time, and breastfed him on the couch.

I missed him...soooo much.  I was so excited he slept such a long time, that I couldn't sleep when I went back to bed (and he cuddled happily with dh on the mattress).

The next night, I thought I might try having him on a mattress beside the bed...not that I wanted to give up co-sleeping, merely that that sleep was soooo good :0) and I rather liked the idea of another shot at it! 

He slept 3 hours, and then did another stretch of 2.5hrs...so, nowhere near as good as hte first night, but so much better than we had been having.

I decided to go for a 3rd night...he slept 2 hrly in his same-old pattern.  I thought about what I really wanted out of all this, adn if I was happy enough for him to remian there...and I wasn't.

I missed him- it was too soon to not have him right next to me.  He also seemed clingy in the mornings, taking up to 2 hours to get off me (since he hadnt been "on" me in the night, I guess).

So, I put the mattress away...having seen a possible end to the co-sleeping arrangement which I had never envisaged happening so soon...and glad ot be "back to normal".  I'm sure a bigger bed will help, but for now we are happy- and if I ever get super-tired again, I need only wait for a weekend for dh to have a turn at being the parent in charge.

Unebelivably, that ngiht- he slept 5 horus...right next to me.  No problem at all :0)

I didn't for a minute think it would happen again...and I was right.  We went back to 2 hr-ly the next night, then 1-1.5hrly the next night...the ones after he woke and fed every 45 minutes, until I felt like I wanted to cry :0(

In the morning, I noticed he had 2 new molars!  (He has 4 now, a total of 12 teeth).  That explained the shabby night- there'll be other no doubt, but I'm so glad he is back right where he belongs.

I noticed I had this page on my website the other day- funny I had forgotten about it.

Co-sleeping seems like the most normal thing in the world now, and I am surprised when someone questions where DST10month’s bed is!

I realised I hadn’t checked with the if it was still OK with him…when pregnant he thought I was loopy to even thin about it- we had both spent sleepless nights with kids in the bed.

I was adamant, so he agreed to try it “for a little while”…and here we are, nearly a year down the track, and I have utterly forgotten to question him on his feelings about the matter now.

In fact, when I realise I hadn’t done so a couple of days ago…I still haven’t got round to asking.  Life is busy with 3 kids, never mind that we are unschooling and trying to live as respectfully, and mindfully as possible with them as well.

Sometimes the only conversations we have are about what drink he would like with his dinner, or if I would like him to return the movie we just watched.  Actually, our best conversations are usually on e-mail or MSN!  That way there are only 2 of us participating ;0)

Anyway, we watched a movie together last night- the kids were too busy playing Dragonfable to bother with it (until the end when they noticed the lady was in other films they had seen)…and I kept thinking- I must remember to ask him, perhaps when this is finished.  Only I forgot…again…and he went to bed first (unusually)…I brought DS with me, and lay him between us, then started on a puzzle (it helps me sleep)…dh leaned over to kiss The Tiny, and went to sleep.

In the night, dh (who can seriously sleep through nearly anything) noticed DST10 months was wide awake, though still…kissed him again, and stared at his (own) big blue eyes for a while, before they both nodded off happy.

Maybe I don’t need to ask.

When we were expecting our first child, we read a very nasty book that friends gave us.  It was all we read (no internet in those days) and when DSJ8 was born- I had to throw out all my instincts in order to folow that nasty book.

In the hospital, J wouldn't sleep- he was distressed.   I didn't know what to do.  A kindly midwife came to tell me to let him sleep on my chest- I was horrified!  Surely I would roll on him and suffocate him!  Babies are meant ot sleep in their own beds...otherwise you set yourself up for trouble- they will never want to leave your bed- you wil lform a bad habit!

Still, it felt right, and he slept on me each night, and my husband or I for most of the days in there...but we felt guilty, and knew we would have to break that "habit' when we got home.  I didn't really sleep, but he slept beautifully... I was scared, and it was only a single bed after all!  I lvoed having him close- I almost couldn't stand to have someone else cuddle him- I wanted him all to myself.  But I told myself it wasn't right.

As recommended in the book (and by Plunket), J had his own bed (basinette) in his own room- decorated nicely, and made to look sweet.

He came in our bed, only for the early morning feed, and if he was sick. 

Today, at age 8- he still needs the co-sleeping he missed.  He will often come in to our bed in the night now- he didn't for years, but I think seeing his baby brother in there makes him know he needed it, and still does.

When pregnant, he came to bed with me and we read together before falling asleep...then Daddy put him in his own bed when he came to bed at 1 or 2am.  I think that helped but he still needs more.

When DDA4 was born, I kept her basinette beside my bed for the first 2 weeks, then moved her to her own room (when we moved house).   I was a lot mor relaxed with her, and determined to completely ignore the nasty book that had caused us so much bother with J.  Daddy didn't agree, and it remains (to this day) the only book he has read about parenting.  He has come a long way, and we parented A quite differently, but he still didn't think babies should be in their parents' bedrooms (and definitely not in their beds).

One night, I fed her around 3am, then was about to put her back in to her basinette, when dh said, 'I could hold her if you have something you need to get done."

I laughed..."Its 3am!  What could I possibly need to get done."  He shrugged, and I clicked..."You want to hold her?"  He lit up- yes, he wanted to cuddle his little baby in the night- he had been at work all day, and missed her.

I often brought A in to our bed though, because it was easier, and I loved snuggling her clsoe.  Most times, Daddy wasn't actually aware she was there until he woke in the morning.  But she always started every night in her own bed (cot).   We never insisted on a bedtime with A...she went to bed when she was tired, and so what if it was 10pm.

 I read The Continuum Concept when I was pregnant with her baby brother, and realised what we had done...we had not kept our babies close at night, as surely all our instincts cried out...we had basically deprived them of their expected entry to our world.  I felt sick...I knew I had wanted them close, and I couldn't beleive I denied my instincts, and my babies' signals...and allowed them to sleep laone every night.

I read how you could undo the damage this does, by allowing your older child in your bed until they were ready to leave it.  I started this with A.  Every night, I would say, "Would you like to come to bed with me, A?"  She loved it!

We would read, and snuggle- and she would get silly, and loud just before she nodded off.  I was pregnant (and not small), but I kept her close to me so dh's sleep wasn't interupted too much.  It was lovely.

After 3 weeks though...when I was about to take her to bed one night, she said, "Could I sleep in my in bed tonight mummy?"  Well, of course she could...and she has done since.  She likes her own bed, and here is why...she knows (really *knows*) that she is very welcome in our bed, and so the deseperate *need* to be there is gone.  I hope one day it will be the same for J.

I decided in pregnancy that our third baby would shar our bed.  Still, I was nervous about it- mostly on behalf of my husband- who wasn't keen to give it more than "a try"...but I worreid that he wouldn't get the sleep he neded to function properly at work. 

DST5mo was born at home, and the most wonderful thing in the world was his first night...in our bed...right next to me (well, on me actually).  It was fantastic to wake up with him right there.  He slept, I didn't and I wondered if I would ever get used ot having a little baby in my bed.

T was upset during the day for his first 3 weeks, but he slept beautifully in our bed- he never cried- I coudl tell he needed to feed because he would be awake and sucking his fists- but he never cried.   I relaised then that J and A had to cry to be heard- I didn't know they were awake unless they made noise.

After 3 days of having T in our bed, I slept properly!  I was used to him being there, and I stopped worrying that maybe I could inadvertently hurt him...he was safe, and I was in heaven.   I knew even if dh couldn't stand it- that I couldn't sleep without this tiny boy.

I love waking up and seeing him there...I love snuggling him while he is asleep, and whispering to him as he drops off. 

But, far and away the best bonus of co-sleeping has been for my husband.  So often, T will roll on to him in the night, and touch his Daddy...Daddy responds with a beary-eyed smile.  They love each other to bits- which of course is normal and natural...but this is the first time Daddy has had anything to do with one of his babies at night.  It is a brillaint way to reconnect when he has been away from the house for 10 hours.

DH's Mum says he has a different bond with T, and she is sure it is because of the co-sleeping.  I agree.  He doesn't have to ask for a hold of his baby in the night- he's right there.  They have a special cuddle in the mornings, when I get up to organise the house a bit, and check e-mails...they stay snuggling, and most times T will go back to sleep.  I lvoe to go in, and see them so clsoe to each other...sound asleep (right before I shake dh awake so he can get to work!).

I think I sleep better with in the bed.  He is not a noisy sleeper (that's the first thing people ask me when they hear he doesn't have his own bed)...but I have read that babies who bed-share learn "sleep etiquette"...they are not the same as babies brought in to the bed in desperation just to get some rest.

 I don't lie awake wondering if he is OK...I did that with J and A- so much so, that I would end up so awake (after endlessly checking their breathing, confort etc), I would get up and read or work on the comuter at 3am....I've never done that with T.  He doesn't make a sound in the night.  I know he needs to feed if he is awake, if he is kicking- I know he needs to pee.

So, now I sleep every night with a naked (except for his top now it is Autumn) baby...it is bliss!

1. He doesn't have to cry to get your attention.

2. Sometimes a quick snuggle will help him back to sleep (well, not very often for my wee tot, but I'm sure it happens!).

3. If you get the hang of feeding lying down, you needn't even wake up!

4. Less getting out of bed.

5. You can visit wherever you like without taking extra bedding for baby.

6. No need to purchase a basinette.

7. No need to purchase a cot.

8. No need to purchase extra bedding.

9. No need for untold visits to baby's bed to see if he's still breathing.

10. Sweet smiles in the night.

11. Smelling baby all night long...ahhhhhhhh.

12. No extra bed to make.

13. Extra cuddles for Daddy.

14. No need for hot water bottles, lol.

15. Completely natural- how it's meant to be.

16. Happier baby, happier family.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp

http://www.lalecheleague.org/llleaderweb/LV/LVAugSep03p88.html

A book about co-sleeping which I will have to get some day.

Only in the past 200 years, and mostly in Western industrialized societies, have parents considered it normal and biologically appropriate for a mother and infant to sleep apart.

http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/bedtime_story.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/familybed.html