I was sitting in a tram today...was going to work...was listening songs and had a sad...I was thinking about people and their acting, how they easily leave you without looking back, without any word.Isn't it cowardish, to just leave without saying goodbye after quite time spent together, sharing thoughts, happiness and sadness?Isn't it polite and fair, even though u might hate that person, at least spit in his/hr face and tell what the hell went wrong?! I had that sad feeling in my heart...feeling like I will cry my soul out in front of all world but without knowing the reason, I was haunted by thoughts and stressed. I was thinking of my little child, my sweetest nightmare's figure, so tiny, so cruel...my unreal achievement born in sanity and weakest moments when I was left alone with my head...I created myself in so many shapes and versions, and the final one had to stay pure and untouched, innocent and full of light like a moment of love... but no..they couldn't leave it in peace and alive.... Ma child was torn from my heart like it was torn from holy womb and they raped it and torn it and massacred its little body until it raised poisoned and full of darkness and captured my soul forever with its teary eyes. And nobody can take its place.
I've killed a moth today. I've imprisoned it under my lamp listening it's fight, it's tries to run away.The wings were panicly hitting the edges of ebullient electric bulb. Finally it stopped. I've lifted the lamp watching that thing shaking, trying to fly with a burned wings, but the moves were too painful, so it tried to walk away. That pissed me off. I wanted it dead; why haven't it just died under the lamp?! It was moving slow trying to escape. It was disgusting. Ugly. Lower species. Disgusting bug. I hated it and I was angry. My heart was beating fast, my whole body shacked of adrenalin: I took a pen. Sticked the sharp part into one of it's legs smiling to it's unsuccessful tries to escape. Ooh, no you won't. I decided it's time for you to die. I ripped off one ugly thin leg. It was crawling now over my pillow... with it's dirty body touching my pillow. I took a piece of paper and grabbed it in it, but it was too disgusting to squeeze it with my fingers. Dirty, disgusting thing! I placed the butterfly on a table with a paper... took a scissors and started picking the butterfly under the paper with it. The silver dust was all over the table. The ugly animal was dead. I've picked it up with a new paper (don't wanna dirty my hands) and threw it in a garbage. Cleaned the silver dust off of the table. But what was that?! I heard it's still alive. Dying. I went to make myself a dinner. I was listening it dying finishing my meal. Finally it died a bit later. I was staring for a while at it's silver dust... It looked like a materialized soul trapped in physical shape.
Uh uh, I've been a baaad girl! I wasn't writing for ages! Well...I don't have actually anything to write...I've been very lazy last days....um...correctly last few months XD Anyway enjoying in freedom, watching tv, gaming on pc, drinking and hanging out with my friends (when I am not that lazy to lift my ass up, dress up and go out....)...Oh oh, life is sooo hard! HAHAHAHA This freedom ruined all my habits! I am waking up at 1 pm! And getting to bed at 6 am! Don't ask me what am I doing whole night, I have no idea. I just sit in front of my computer and tap-tap-tapping...Sounds crazy but it's true. I even got some weird dreams cuz I got too much time to think about everything... For example...Last night I was dreaming that bloody dream again (some of my dreams r repeating). I am in a car, driving on some old road, and I am just thinking about that that I don't have driving licence and that I have no idea what am I doing here! I am holding the wheel so hard that my fingers hurt, I am running so fast and can't control anything! I panic, and then see a police officer who is right in front of me with a sign "STOP"...But I can't bloody stop cuz I am not controling the car!!!!! So I run right at him hearing the thump and see his body flying in the air making salto above my car...And I laugh, I laugh so madly and enjoy it, driving even faster......END of the dream.......Damn! Gotta stop watching violent cartoons!
