This section of Bryan Johnston's Fun-Filled House of Wacky and Good Times Emporium is devoted to demonstrating how much the Toronto Maple Leafs suck.

They suck a lot. True story.

And while it is true that they booted my beloved Ottawa Senators in seven games (again), they are coming up on 40 years without a Stanley Cup championship. Ouch. That has to hurt. Meanwhile, the Senators last won the Cup in 1927 (in fact, we won Stanley four times that decade), before leaving the NHL in 1933. That's a span of six years. The Ottawa Senators made a glorious revival in 1992. They've been in the league for 12 years. That's a combined total of only 18 years since their last sip from Lord Stanley's Cup. Am I reaching here? Perhaps, but the numbers don't lie...

And, just for the record, the Senators were one goal away from the Stanley Cup final in 2003. The Leafs haven't been that close since 1993. Leaf fans are in denial, folks...always talking about their success while the Sens are still struggling. Um...hello? Reality check.

Hey, it's all in good fun, right? (Although that doesn't diminish my relentless hatred for the perennial whiners and dirty players that are the Toronto Maple Leafs). The proof is in the puddin' (never really understood that expression, but it seems appropriate here), and the Ottawa Senators will hoist Stanley above their heads long before the Leafs. The Senators have some of the most dynamic, explosive, and young talent in the league, while the Leafs continue to sign and resign dinosaurs and other players who are definitely on the downward slope of their careers. Good plan, eh?

Go Sens Go!!

Leafs and Fans Shut Out Again
Another New Team Reaches Cup Final before Toronto

By STEVE SIMMONS-Toronto Sun

Watching the loud celebration on a television screen on Saturday night,
my oldest son mumbled out loud what is too often heard around Toronto.

"We should have won in '93," he said, being so full of perspective and
only six years old at the time of the Maple Leafs' seven-game semi-final
loss against the Los Angeles Kings. And then he blurted out: "And how
did the Leafs lose to Carolina, anyway?"

This is the sentiment far away from the Stanley Cup final, where two
teams will play for an NHL championship and neither of them are the
Leafs. This is the only city in which normally optimistic 17-year-olds
will ask: "Do you think we'll ever win the Stanley Cup in my lifetime?"

And how, exactly, is a guiding father supposed to answer that question?

The numbers and the history are indeed daunting over these 37 empty
springs. There have been 74 separate opportunities to compete for the
Stanley Cup since Toronto was last victorious and not once have the
Leafs been among the last two standing.

Never mind winning. Try getting there first.

Never mind that they are on a short list that includes such hockey
hotbeds as Nashville and Columbus, Atlanta and Phoenix. Never mind that
they are lumped in with hockey-come-lately places like Ottawa, San Jose
and St. Paul, Minn.

The way the figures break down over the years is even more depressing
for the very passionate who call themselves Leafs fans:

- Every Original Six team except Toronto has played for the Cup or won
it since 1967. In total, five of the Original Six have played for the
Cup 28 times in the past 37 years, none of them less than three times each.

- Of the six expansion teams added to the NHL in 1967-68, every one,
except the defunct California Golden Seals, has played for the Cup. And
when you consider that the Seals moved to Cleveland and eventually
merged to become part of the Minnesota North Stars, you can actually
argue they have been involved with a Cup finalist.

- In 1970, the NHL again expanded, placing franchises in Buffalo and
Vancouver. Neither team has won the Cup, but each has played for it twice.

- In the continuing growth, the Atlanta (Calgary) Flames and New York
Islanders were added to the NHL roster two years later. Combined, they
have won five Stanley Cups and played in the final on three other
occasions.

- The next teams to join the NHL were the Washington Capitals and the
Kansas City Scouts. The Kansas City franchise moved to Colorado and
eventually to New Jersey, where the Devils have won won three of the
past 10 Cups

- All 18 teams -- if you include the California argument -- who became
part of the NHL after the Leafs' most recent win in 1967 have played for
the Cup.

- The NHL grew to 21 teams with the addition of four teams from the
World Hockey Association. Three of those four teams have since
relocated, but have still been involved in nine Stanley Cup finals,
winning seven.

- Three of the youngest NHL franchises -- in the traditional non-hockey
markets of Florida, Tampa and Anaheim -- have all reached the Stanley
Cup final.

In Philadelphia right now, Flyers fans are bemoaning the fact that the
Flyers haven't won the Cup since 1975. But since then, they have at
least made it to the final five different times.

All they want in Toronto is one time. One lousy time.

Since 1967, the Maple Leafs have had 17 coaches, nine general managers,
seven captains, record profits and not a lot of hope. Once in 37 years
-- in 1993 -- they were legitimately one win away from the final.

The year they should have won the Cup. If only they had gotten there.

SEEING STANLEY UP CLOSE

22 NHL teams have been in the Stanley Cup final since 1967:

- Montreal Canadiens: 11 appearances, 10 wins (1968, 1969, 1971, 1973,
1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1986, 1989, 1993)

- Boston Bruins: 7, 2 (1970, 1972, 1974, 1977, 1978, 1988, 1990)

- Philadelphia Flyers: 7, 2 (1974, 1975, 1976, 1980, 1985, 1987, 1997)

- Edmonton Oilers: 6, 5 (1983, 1984, 1985, 1987, 1988, 1990)

- N.Y. Islanders: 5, 4 (1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984)

- Detroit Red Wings: 4, 3 (1995, 1997, 1998, 2002)

- New Jersey Devils: 4, 3 (1995, 2000, 2001, 2003)

- Dallas/Minnesota Stars: 4, 1 (1981, 1991, 1999, 2000)

- N.Y. Rangers: 3, 1 (1972, 1979, 1994)

- Calgary Flames: 3, 1 (1986, 1989, 2004)

- St. Louis Blues: 3, 0 (1968, 1969, 1970)

- Chicago Blackhawks: 3, 0 (1971, 1973, 1992)

- Colorado Avalanche: 2, 2 (1996, 2001)

- Pittsburgh Penguins: 2, 2 (1991, 1992)

- Buffalo Sabres: 2, 0 (1975, 1999)

- Vancouver Canucks: 2, 0 (1982, 1994)

- Tampa Bay Lightning: 1, 1 (2004)

- Mighty Ducks of Anaheim: 1, 0 (2003)

- Carolina Hurricanes: 1, 0 (2002)

- Washington Capitals: 1, 0 (1998)

- Florida Panthers: 1, 0 (1996)

- Los Angeles Kings: 1, 0 (1993)

UPDATE

The Toronto Maple Leafs have resigned Ed Belfour, Gary Roberts, and Joe Nieuwendyk, thus confirming that they are aiming at officially becoming the oldest team in the NHL. They have set their sights on this lofty goal, as capturing Lord Stanley's Cup obviously ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Look out, Detroit Red Wings...the Toronto Maple Leafs are after your "Senior Team" trophy.