Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.
Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?

Summer: I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.

Caleb: Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.
Julie: Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.

Sandy: I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.
Ryan laughs: Actually, he kinda is.

Caleb: I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.
Sandy: And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.

Summer: Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. Kirsten looks confused. I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.

Jimmy: So what's going on in your life?
Julie: Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?

Julie: You two are still—?
Jimmy: Yeah, we're doing great. She's fantastic, sweet, limber. How about you and Caleb?
Julie: Not so limber.

Ryan: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.

Marissa: So, my mum's trying to drag me to cardio bar again. It's her idea of mother-daughter bonding.
Summer: Cardio bar, Coop?
Marissa: Well, she says it's the new Taibo. So maybe I can learn to kick her ass.
Summer: I don't think you need to do any more cardio.
Marissa: What's that supposed to mean?
Summer: Nothing. It's just that - well and I mean this in the least scandalous way but you're looking a little thin.
Marissa: I eat!

Ryan: How'd you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. motions for him to sit down. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sugar coat any details with you—
Ryan: Please don't.
Seth: —'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Ryan: You took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. But don't say it like that, cause it was a local. Okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the faint of heart.
Ryan: I can't believe after all that you took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. I think we're definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good.
Ryan: I don't know, I like the bus idea. It's cool.
Seth: Okay, what about maybe... boat sank, saved by whales? It's very Whale Rider.
Ryan: What else you' got?
Seth: I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island...

THE WAY WE WERE

Ryan: I'm gonna brood. Silently. Over here.

Ryan pointing at the Comic Book Club flyer: Who's this guy?
Seth: That's me with powers. The power to be handsome.
Ryan: I think this has a little something to do with the whole outcast thing.

Sandy: Since when is scotch part of a nutritious brunch?
Caleb: Since the DA's office finally decided they had enough to indict me.

Seth: Ryan would you please take the minutes?
Ryan: Uh, Seth it's just us.
Seth: Yeah, uh huh. Write that down.

Seth: Dude, I love that guy.
Ryan: You're not the only one. motions at Summer kissing Zach
Seth: No. She cannot be dating him. That's not even possible. How is that possible?
Ryan: A second ago you wanted to date him.

Marissa: Come on, I can't wait to show you the house. And my mom's face when she sees you in it.

Ryan: If I hadn't left, then you guys would have still have been together.
Summer: That isn't true. He would have found some Cohen-y way to break us up. He can't help it. He's Cohen.

Seth: I will bring these walls down with one single grand gesture!
Ryan: No! No grand gestures!

About the Sandy Cohen lox scramble with rye toast
Caleb: No, I'm not dragging Sandy into anything. Before he put these eggs in front of me he was the closest thing I had to a friend in this town.

Sandy: Have dinner with us, instead. I won't cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten's mad enough at you, she might.

Marissa: Ryan, we're not friends. We were never just friends.
Ryan: I guess that was the problem then. See ya.

Seth: Cohen. What are you doing?
Summer: Nothing. Why?
Seth: Looks like you're humping the hot dog stand.

Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?
Seth: I just want you.
Summer: No you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
Seth: I want to make that up to you.
Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you: what you need and what you want. You know, it seems that you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. And you know what? You can have it.

Sandy: Don't say anything. I'll follow you to the station. to the arresting officer: I'm his lawyer.

THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

Lindsay: Excuse me. I'm new. Is it alright to park here?
Bitchy Chick: Sure. If you're not too embarassed.

Lindsay: I'm just gonna wring out my shirt, and stuff toilet paper up my nose, and I'm sure I'll have no trouble fitting in now.

Seth: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan: Could be what?
Seth: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?

Seth: So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the urinals! walks off whistling as Ryan stands there stoically until Seth wanders back the other way
Seth: I don't know where they are.

Alex: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Kirsten: You quit?
Sandy: Quit slash got fired.

Jimmy: The woman I married wouldn't stand for that. Nobody puts Julie Cooper in a corner.

Caleb: When I have champagne I get giggly.
Sandy: When did you ever get giggly?

Marissa: Do you like this band?
Ryan: I like Journey.

Caleb: What do you suggest I do?
Sandy: I suggest you find a way to make it up to Kirsten. Now. Unless you want Julie to be your lawyer too.

Summer: Cohen, that was really sweet.
Seth: Pathetic and sweet?
Summer: No, just sweet.

Seth: Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.
Summer: Then maybe this is it for us.

Seth: This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.

Sandy: Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?
Kirsten: Harder, actually.

Sandy: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.
Caleb: She's my daughter, Sandy, I don't need to be supervised.
Sandy: No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.

THE NEW ERA

Seth about Lindsay: She's musical, she's witty... hopefully she's free for lunch.

Ryan: She's argumentative... bossy.
Seth: Yeah, that's my type.

Caleb: Are you a frittata man?
Sandy: I'm fine.

DJ: So, what, are we friends now?
Marissa: Judging by this conversation, probably not.

Seth: Man, I said I wanted to marry her, not date her okay?

Seth: Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story.

Seth: My friend Ryan, he's really cool, okay? He's very anti-establishment. He enjoys sunset walks on the beach, punching people, and not smiling.
Alex: And that's how you see me?
Seth: Yeah. Except more so.

Summer: Cohen... Ryan.
Seth: I have a date.
Summer: Wow! Have fun with Captain Oats.

Sandy: Today he sent me to go meet with his former assistant, Phyliss.
Kirsten: Phyliss died last year.
Sandy: Exactly. Literally, dead ends.

Julie: Now I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I have a way to make it up to you.
Kirsten: This can't be good.

Seth: I've redefined rock-bottom like several times tonight.

Kirsten: Oh, god. She just grazed an ass.
Jimmy: Ah, the not-so-subtle ass graze.

Sandy: I tried to talk to Phyliss earlier, but I left my Ouija board at home.

Seth to Summer: Can I talk to you for like, one minute? Zach, I'm really sorry.
Zach: Okay, I'm gonna go jump off the pier.

Seth: So. To recap. I got disco-ed by two girls in one night, and unfortunately that's just... not the first time it's happened.

THE SnOC

Seth: Ryan Atwood, afraid of a girl?
Ryan: I just might like her, and every time a big event happens...
Seth: Things go awry.

Sandy: What could he have possibly have done that would be so terrible that he'd rather go to jail?... Unless, life with Julie Cooper...

Kirsten: I don't want you getting yourself in trouble over this.
Sandy: Oh, honey. It's a little late for that.

Seth: Hey, need a hand with something?
Marissa: Sure.
Seth: Ryan, be a gentleman. heading off I've got class.

Summer: You've gotta go, like, Ice-Man on her ass.
Seth: Wow, was that your first X-Men reference?
Summer: Top Gun.
Seth: Top Gun. Hey. That's like one of the greatest love stories of our time.

Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

Julie: Jimmy, look.
Jimmy: Wow, she looks beautiful.
Julie: Yes, but more importantly she's with Ryan. Who right now looks like Prince Charming.

Sandy: Even if you were having an affair, 16 years is an awfully long time to be paying palimony... Unless there's a child.

Marissa: I already told you, the Winter Ball is just not his type of thing.
Ryan: Did he decide that or did you?

Zach: I get it. You're one of those couples. Joannie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Zach: Yeah, well, may the force be with you.

Alex: Why aren't you at the SnOC Winter Wank-off?

Julie: I was easier to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer then.
Jimmy: Jules, c'mon. You're still beautiful. and you were never that nice.

Ryan: I know something we can do that doesn't involve a lot talking.
Cut to them playing video games.

THE CHRISMUKKAH THAT ALMOST WASN'T

Sandy: Facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better than going to jail.
caleb: Kirsten maybe. Not Julie.

Seth: Father! Where are we going to find some Jews in Orange County?
Sandy: Leave me out of it.
Kirsten: Oy, humbug.
Seth: Oy, humbug.

Sandy: I've had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.

Lindsay: Every kid grows up... stops believing in Santa... I stopped believing in my dad.

Gathered in the kitchen, everyone finds out Caleb is Lindsay's Father
Awkward silence ensues
Seth: Good thing the kitchen's roomy.
Everyone turns and stares at Seth

Kirsten: I thouight you and Jimmy were getting along really well.
Julie: Oh really. What makes you say that?
Kirsten: Because last week you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

Seth singing: Moses and Jesus, they both had beards.

FAMILY TIES

Seth: Will you punch someone, please? For old time's sake?

Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Seth: Holy 80s teen comedy plot!

Sandy: Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
Seth: menacing his father with corn Hey! Maybe I don't feel like shucking these... Okay, maybe you should go and shuck 'em yourself, old man!
long pause until Sandy and Ryan start laughing
Ryan: That's good.
Sandy: You had me shaking in my boots.
Seth: I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the hulk. I get mad I turn into like a 75 year old yenta... named Sylvia.

Ryan: You realize we're both screwed.
Seth: Dude, I'm wearing a wifebeater.

Summer to Seth: Your breath smells like Marissa! You are so drunk!

Alex: Ryan, you have to take Seth home right now. He is wasted, and leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Sandy: What's going on? trash cans crash You guys okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We're being stealth! rolls across the hood of the car. Sort of.

Ryan: Talked to Alex?
Seth: She won't answer my calls.
Ryan: Hm. Might have something to do with all the vomit.
Seth: All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?
Ryan: Well, you wanted to be the bad boy.

Kirsten: Ah! If it isn't my son the wino.
Seth: You guys found out?
Kirsten: Well, you weren't exactly stealth.

Summer: Actually, I'm gonna go alone.
Zach: You're going by yourself?
Summer: Hans Solo. But if I change my mind I'll have Cohen get drunk and let you know.

Julie to Jimmy: Do you see what you're leaving me with? Do you see how screwed up she is?
Marissa: Of course I'm screwed up. I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut.

Marissa: I brought bagels.
Sandy: Well that's the secret password into the Cohen household.

THE POWER OF LOVE

Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I'm alone.
Seth: Okay, it's not as stealth but it works too.

Marissa: What happens with Seth and Alex has nothing to do with you and Zach.
Summer: I know. But I always thought that I would have sex first and that Cohen would catch syphilis from a public toilet.

Seth: I call this part "prepping the oven."

Seth: We made blueberry, buttermilk... and if you're feeling especially sinful, chocolate chip.

Sandy: Nothing like Julie Cooper to put fear into the hearts of children.

Seth: I think we should have a secret knock or something.

Sandy: We can't fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?
Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

THE EX-FACTOR

Sandy: Ask me while you're giving me the massage. I'm inclined to say yes.

Seth: Why have guys night out when we could have guys night in.

Summer: Am I about to get whacked?

Kirsten to Julie: Oh my. There's so much you here.

Sandy: Okay, honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a giant Julie Cooper on the table.

Zach: Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? Because this is exactly how it begins.

Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend hooked up with a girl. There's only one thing to do in this situation.
Zach: You're gonna hook up with a guy?

Sandy: It's my fault. I've once again gotten caught up in this nasty game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo.

Seth: I've got a lot of testosterone pumping. Testosterone being the key ingredient missing in Alex's previoius relationship.

Ryan: Look, I don't know, I... I... I guess I was hoping this could be easy. For you and me to stay friends. For you and Lindsay to be friends.
Marissa: And have us all live happily ever after?
Ryan: Yeah, something like that.
Marissa: I know, it seems like a million years ago we dated, but it wasn't.
Ryan: I know that.
Marissa: And okay, maybe you're over it. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. Maybe it never did. But it meant a lot to me. You meant a lot to me. Still do.
Ryan: It's not like that, I don't know what it's like. And thinking you and Lindsay should be friends was a bad idea.
Marissa: Why? I like her. And if you do the math, she's my stepsister, so...
Ryan: I guess...
Marissa: Clearly, it's going to be strange for us for a while.
Ryan: Yeah, I know, you're right. I'm sorry. And that's what I came here to say.
Marissa: I'm sorry, too.

THE ACCOMPLICE

Seth: Is she back together with her lesbian ex? And if so is she open to some sort of menage-a-threeway as in the film Summer Lovers?

Zach: You should just focus on the good stuff in your life. Like school. Seth grimaces. Or... comics. Yeah, I got nothing.

Alex on the phone with Marissa: Are you calling me from outside my door? Because that would be... opens door and sees Seth Creepy.

Alex: Sorry, I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you two to meet.

Gail: As you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.
Kirsten: That's one way to put it.
Sandy: Who are you kidding, Gail? This place is a first-class dump. And I like it!

Max surveying Sandy's new office: I was under the impression you'd become a successful lawyer.

Marissa: You're not my father, Cal. You know what, if you want to be a parent go over to Lindsay's house and try to ruin her [life].

Seth: Hey! Brian Gatwood. AKA Kid Chino!

Seth: Turns out I don't make a very convincing Super Hero.

Summer: I don't wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth amused and impressed: That was funny.
Summer indignant: I know.

Summer about the purloined sketchbook of her: Princess Sparkle, you are not going to believe this.

Seth: I know that it's totally creepy. I know that. I'm sorry. It's was just a very long summer and I'm sorry and I will destroy all of them right now. I just need to find my X-Acto knife.

Ryan: How'd it go with Zach?
Seth: Well great until Summer came over and discovered my sketchbook.
Ryan: What'd she do?
Seth: Well I thought she was going to get a restraining order, but it turns out she's just gonna get her own action figure.

THE SECOND CHANCE

Ryan: Is this about Alex?
Seth: Ah, no no. She's merely kitchen table fodder at this point. She's no longer up to poolhouse standard.

Ryan: Look, I'm not the biggest fan of your dad—no offense—but I mean Luke Skywalker was happy to have a dad, even if it was Darth Vader.
Kirsten: You're right, she needs a dad.

Alex: Who knew you Harbor girls could throw down.
Marissa: Yeah, well, I'm not like the other girls.
Alex: Well, then I guess it's about time I show you the meth lab in the basement.
Marissa: I thought you'd never ask.

Sandy: I can see how that might salt your game.
Rebekah: "Salt my game"? Is that how they talk in Orange County?
Sandy: Stick around, you'll be saying "rad" in no time.

Ryan: Alright, look. Luke Skywalker was happy to find his dad, right? Even if he turned out to be Darth Vader.
Lindsay: Ryan, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader fought each other with lightsabers until one of them died.
Ryan: When you put it that way—
Lindsay: Look, just don't worry about my family. Or... our family. Whatever they are. Just let it be, okay?

Caleb: You know that... Yogalates or... Cardiobar... or whatever it is you've been up to are working wonders on your figure. And that top, it's so... fetching.

Summer: Oh, I will compromise your vision. Do not forget about my rage-blackouts!
Seth: Oh I have not. In fact it's part of your super powers.

Zach: And Cohen, you gotta nail Summer!
Seth: What?!
Summer: Excuse me?

Kirsten: Well didn't you use that Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader analogy?
Ryan: She poked a serious hole in that analogy.

Sandy: Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

Summer: Okay, let's be more professional! Less drooling, more drawing. And don't give me any junk in the trunk, either.

Seth: Okay, the way you're holding the pencil, you're choking it.
Summer: I am not! This pencil can breathe on its own!

Kirsten after Caleb's heart attack: That's the last time I try cooking.

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

After Kirsten sends roses down the trash compactor
Seth: Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe.

Summer about her earrings: Do you think these are too bling for a meeting?

Julie to Marissa: Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

Sandy: There are days that I think me and Kirsten are bulletproof. I don't wanna test that theory.

Summer: You know what? My teeth are all plaque-y. I'm gonna go for a last-minute floss.

Seth: Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is.

Seth: So, for Valentine's Day, you're giving Lindsay... Grandpa?

Caleb: I'm sorry, Ryan. I know it wasn't easy for you to string so many words together.

Caleb about Ryan: Setting fires... impregnating teenage girls...

THE TEST

Seth: Do you not see what's going on here?
Ryan: Yes. You're wallowing.

Ryan about Seth's obsession with Zach and Summer: No, Seth, you can't ask her. It's weird and it's creepy and it's none of your business.

Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?
Sandy: Well I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Julie about Caleb adopting Lindsay: And I told you, you have nothing to worry about. I will take care of that. Kirsten gives a look I saw that, Kirsten.

Sandy: The FBI was here.
Kirsten: Well it wouldn't be the Cohen house if it wasn't a visit from law enforcement.

Summer on the phone with Zach: I haven't seen Cohen, why? Well he always smells kind of weird.

Summer: I'm only saying this for the people that live with you: take a shower, Cohen. Zach and I didn't have sex.

Julie: You should get another glass of champagne. 'Cause this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.

Seth: I think closure's overrated. I'm more of a fan of open unrequited love.

Lindsay: I don't need to take a test. 'Cause I know that my real dad wouldn't treat me this way.

Summer: See ya, Cohen.
Seth: See ya, Summer.

Ryan about the movie: He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.
Sandy: Ah, good. My kinda hero.

THE RAINY DAY WOMEN

Seth: Think we should stick together? Kinda two-by-two like Noah did? He's very wise, Ryan. He had a beard.

Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.
Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.
Marissa: Mom!
Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.
Summer: Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.
Seth: Oh, zing!

Ryan about Lindsay's ranking system: So I come in right below pizza. That's good to know.
Lindsay: Yeah, well. A girl's gotta eat.

Kirsten: Well, my husband is currently transporting a fugitive who used to be his girlfriend.
Julie to Kirsten: I'll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.
Kirsten: Marissa? Well I'm sure it's just a phase.
Julie: It was for me.

Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing and you said you named your boat after her. Which I thought was a little weird considering you never actually talked to her.
Seth: Eureka, Ryan! I can't believe I just said Eureka. That's it!
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The way to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's gonna put Zachary's Euro-Trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Dammit. Eureka, Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze! Yes.
URyan: Uh huh. Except with what money?
Seth: Okay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I would just step outside. Let me ask you, man. Do you like the shape of the idea, even.
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Okay great. So all I need is money. Hang on. Yes, got the answer. But before I say Eureka again, do you see any other potential flaws or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
Seth: Then Eureka, Ryan! Eu-friggin-reka!

Summer: I don't want the Italians to think I have bad style. I'm representing America.
Zach: Well, that's very patriotic of you.

Seth: I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar, no snacks.

Julie: Look, Marissa, I'll admit it. I experimented a bit when I was your age. Albeit it involved a little Motley Crue and a lot of Jager.
Marissa: Woah, Mom. Way too much information.

Seth: Marissa and Alex: no longer welcome in the Red States.
Ryan: That I wouldn't have predicted. Think it's real?
Seth: God, I hope so.

Kirsten: Lindsay, no matter what happens, you'll always be a part of the family.
Caleb: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Nurse: Okay, we have a match. Caleb Nichol is the father of Lindsay Wheeler Gardner.

Seth on voicemail: Hey, it's me. Look, perhaps you're screening.... Perhaps you're being screened by security.

Summer: I can't go. I can't do this.
Zach: Truth be told, I didn't think you'd make it past security.
Summer: I'm really sorry.
Zach: You can't fight fate.

Kirsten: You took the bus.
Sandy: I told you, nothing could keep me away from you.
Kirsten: Is it over?
Sandy: I can promise you it never started.

THE MALLPISODE

Ryan: This thing with Lindsay is... different.
Seth: Different how?
Ryan: Different as in not fixed by pancakes. And don't ask me how I feel about waffles.
Seth: Got it.

Seth: This thing with Lindsay is just really kicking Ryan's ass.
Summer: Which is why it's a good thing we're like the Marines.
Seth: How are we like the Marines?
Summer: We leave no man behind. Look, Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won't. No. You have got to cheer him up. Semper Fi.
Seth: Oh, Semper Fi. That's so cute.

Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They're like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa's happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.

Julie: Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly Americans.

Seth: Ah. Father. I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb: Exactly what I said.
Sandy: Ah, nothing like a good crack about a plumber.

Carter: Look, I just don't think the world needs more proclamations about how Mukluks are the new Uggs.
Kirsten: Our bar's not that low.
Julie: He's right about Mukluks. Write that down.

As Ryan and Seth crawl through the duct system
Seth: Hey, Ryan what did I tell you. Isn't this great? It's like Goonies meets Die Hard by way of Mission Impossible. With I think a... slight hint of National Treasure.

Summer: Trapped in a department store. Which is like my ultimate fantasy.
Ryan: Okay, and what if we get caught?
Summer: We'll be stealth.

Ryan: So what do we do now?
Summer: I have an idea. puts on a hockey mask.
Ryan: You're going to kill us all with a chainsaw?

Lance: Actually, I have something for you.
Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something I drank cranberry juice for a week.

Julie: Alex, and I'm not saying this to be mean. Because you actually seem like a nice enough girl, and... I like your pants. But you're this week's yard guy.

Julie to Alex, about Marissa: She's only really been in love once, and he looked a little different in a wife beater.

About the Skill Crane ring prize
Caleb: You really want that ring, don't you?
Sandy: More than anything.
Caleb: I'll get more quarters.

Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functioning couple?
Summer: Oh my god, we can not be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. They're monsters.
Seth: I like monsters.

THE BLAZE OF GLORY

Seth: I gotta say, last year? Better than this year.
[...]
Ryan: Maybe it's because last year was new.

Ryan: Live in the now, Seth.
Seth: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Kirsten: He wants to take it beyond gossip and dish. Focus on culture, the local art scene.
Sandy: So it's really more of a pamphlet than a magazine.

Seth: That guy worked an entire summer in construction. And also he enjoys architecture and burning stuff down.

Marissa: That's a good idea. Thanks.
Seth: Don't mention it... especially not to Summer.

Ryan: So... can I borrow Captain Oats?
Seth to Captain Oats: Oats? Now Ryan is going to use you as an
inspiration. Now, if he touches you any place weird... and by weird I mean whispers to Captain Oats, I want you to neigh as loud as you can.

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.
Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.
Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

Sandy: So you started out with a porn director and ended up with Caleb. I'd consider that a lateral move.

Carter: This magazine is just a photo opportunity for 55 year old women with 25 year old breasts.
But this is chance to turn this community upside-down. Be subversive, irreverant.
Carter: I'd rather be drunk.

Seth: Did I say slept in a tent? What I mean to say is that they repented for lent.

Seth: Someone's going to kill me.

Ryan: I'm not going to the bonfire.
Julie: But you have go to the bonfire.
Ryan: What, are you and Seth working on the same team now?

Ryan: It's not about me, I'm here because of her mom.
Alex: What are you and Julie Cooper a team, now?

Marissa: Hey. I thought you weren't coming.
Ryan: Captain Oats was rather concerned that he wouldn't be represented.

Julie: I am so screwed.
Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

THE BROTHERS GRIM

Ryan getting off the phone: That was Trey.
Kirsten: Your brother?
Ryan: Yeah. He's getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.
Seth: Well, there's that family trip you wanted.

Kirsten: I know Trey is the only family that Ryan has and I do think that we should help him—
Sandy: But you're scared I'll want to adopt him.

Summer seeing Zach pull up on a Vespa: Oh my god, I'm having a panic spiral.

Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki. A naked mistake.
Kirsten: Excuse me?
Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on ramen, and I needed the money.

Seth to Zach: Hey, man. You came back. People never leave and come back.

Seth: You're still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version. I think. But some people think Ryan's gotten more softer.
Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.

Caleb: Is there anything else?
Julie: Well I made an adult film in the 80s with an ex-boyfriend whos is now threatening to to release it on the internet unless I pay him half a million dollars. And I would really like to redo the kitchen.

Zach: I'll always remember how you owned that Whack-a-Mole.

Summer: And you told Cohen because you knew it would get back to me.
Zach: Within minutes.

Ryan: Remember what happened last time you came to Chino?
Marissa: Yeah. I saved your ass.

Seth: I saw the high road there and I just did not take it on that one.

Julie: You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now

THE RISKY BUSINESS

Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.
Seth entering: Ah yeah, the old scallion and shiv omelet. I've seen Lockup. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.
Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Segal, man.
Seth: Yeah, a divided house can not eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.

Sandy: So a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yardsale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.

Sandy: Hey, guys. I'm chairing The OC Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard sale.
Seth: Hey, Dad, that's fantastic.
Ryan: Good luck with that.

Trey: This is the crystal egg from Risky Business?
Newpsie 2: Well it's not the F-14 from Top Gun.

Sandy: Joanne. Tell me you didn't order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.

Sandy: Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? looks at sheet $75. I guess it's more "esque" than Erté.

Ryan: Okay, you stay here.
Seth: What are you going to do?
Ryan: I don't know.
Seth: Okay, I got a plan. The kind of plan that made me All-Camp Capture-the-Flag Champ Tahoe. And it is extremely stealth.

Ryan: Hey, go deep.
Seth to himself: This never worked in PE.

THE RAGER

Seth: He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins. pause I wish I'd never made that reference.

Carter: Kirsten, congratulations. As of this morning you are a bona fide magazine publisher.
Kirsten: I know. The first issue's on the stands.
Carter: I was referring to our first libel suit.

Seth: Would you relax. He's probably just going to buy cigarettes.... Or getting into that suspicious looking Camaro.... With a guy that looks like Lou Reed.

Zach: What are you doing telling her I'm gay?
Seth: Now I said "gay vibe." I distinctly remember saying "gay vibe." And the two are very different.

Ryan: I think your mom would understand, don't you think? If she came home right now.
Marissa: Oh definitely. I mean, she did say Trey could have a beer.

Sandy to Trey: Keep your mouth shut. I'll meet you in jail. to the arresting officer Officer, I'm his lawyer.

THE OC CONFIDENTIAL

Seth: Okay, so when the cops showed up and asked who's responsible for the girl floating in the pool, he was like, what: "I'm an ex-con on parole. I know, I'll say me."

Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.
Ryan: Whatever it takes.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

David: Also, we're wondering about Cosmo Girl. Her magic flask. Could she get her power from like a magic sport drink, instead? The thing is, legal's like worried about lawsuits from the parents of teen alcoholics. Um... oh, the Ironist. Boy, a little cerebral.
Seth: Is he being ironic?

Jessica to Summer: How 'bout you?
Summer: Hm? Oh no, strictly ganga. Yeah, what's from the Earth is of the greatest worth.
Marissa as Jessica walks away: I'm gonna kill you.

Lance: No pre-nup?
Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies that.

Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?
Carter: According to my notes (checks notes) I stopped taking notes.
Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?
Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job rather well because I'm hammered.

Carter: Could you possibly find a driver tonight? We failed to make use of the silver bucket.
Server: Are you staying locally?
Carter: Ah, no. Orange County, actually.
Server: Ew. I'm sorry.

THE RETURN OF THE NANA

Seth: I don't believe it, Ryan. Brighteyes has two albums in the top ten.
Ryan: You okay with that?
Seth: Yeah I just feel like the rest of the world's finally caught up to me. It's a little bit scary.
Ryan: Yeah, it's a lot scary.
Seth: Tell me I'm still special.

Sandy: You know the Nana and her schedule. Friday night's Mah Jongg.
Seth: What? Since when's Friday night Mah Jongg? That totally throws off my schedule.

Summer after clocking Zach: Zach! I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I was in a rage blackout and my therapist told me boxing might help me work through it,

Seth: I can't believe she beat me.
Ryan: I can. Can we eat now?
Seth: Absolutely not. I won't go down like that. These people look up to me. I'm like a god to them.

Seth: So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?
Mary Sue: Actually, it's not quite a dance contest.
Seth: It isn't?
Mary Sue: No. pulls out whipped cream
Ryan: She's got whipped cream, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I know. Maybe she's... baking a cake.
Mary Sue: See, I'm gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you're gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.
Seth: Did she say cherry?
Mary Sue: If we win it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.
Seth: Yeah. It's for Grandma. What exactly does she have?
Ryan: Yeah, we'll just hope Summer hasn't paid her cable bill.

Bobby: She's a great lady, huh? Your mom. Quite the pistol.
Sandy: I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

Bible Beater Boyfriend: ...but her best friend told me she entered some contest down here. Immodestly revealing her body for money.
Ryan: Well, Spring Break. That does happen.
BBB: Doesn't where we're from.
Ryan: Where's that?
BBB: Bob Jones University. If they find out what she's doing here, she'll be expelled. Which won't matter when she's burning in hell.
Ryan: Mm. Yeah, that's rough.
BBB: Worst part is, I think she's cheating on me with whoever her partner in sin is.That's why I brought my boys with me.
Seth: Oh, yeah? Your frat brothers?
BBB: Bible Study Buddies.

Seth: Who are those guys?
Ryan: Uh, they're in the same Bible study class.
Seth: Oh. Think we could convince them to turn the other cheek?

THE SHOWDOWN

Sandy: Do you think I look like Tony Blair?
Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.
Sandy: Good hair, leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Summer: You know, I really thought things were going to be different this time, but you haven't changed at all. You've found new and even more public ways of disappointing me.

Caleb: You spent two hours making Eggs Benedict for a man with a heart condition. Doesn't that seem a little insane to you?

Knock on the door
Kirsten: Come in! Oh, hey, Claire. What is it?
Claire: The men were cleaning out Carter's office and they found this with a note saying it should be given it to you.
I had to include a quote from The OC from a Claire. Yay, Claires.

Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up. I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.

Zach: It's gonna take a little more than quick quips and pop culture-laden bromides to win Little Miss Vixen.
Seth: So it's war.
Zach: It's war.

Caleb: So what's today's heart attack special, Julie? Deep-fried ribs? Steak Tartar? That Supersize guy oughta spend some time with you.

Ryan: Seth, please tell me you're not using the Comic Book Club to spy on Summer and Zach.
Cut to Comic Book Club member spying on Summer and Zach.

Julie: Oh my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?
Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.
Summer: I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.

THE O.Sea

As Seth comes to visit Ryan in the early morning
Ryan: What time is it?
Seth: It's 5:30... ish.
Ryan: You're showing up earlier and earlier.
Seth: Yeah, well, we had a lot of ground to cover, so I figured, since we're both up, we may as well get a jump on it.

Julie: Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself. But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advice.
Sandy: Hey, if this involves you being naked, please: you gotta warn me.

Seth: ...Comedy is just tragedy plus time.

Caleb: I see you pulled out all the stops. One last ditch effort to stop this divorce from going forward.
Julie: God! Paranoid, much?

Seth: So we ended up— well, we flipped a coin.
George Lucas: You flipped a coin?
Seth: Yeah. And you know, it sounds crazy, but at the time—

Caleb: You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.
Julie: Ooh. Past tense. That stings.
Caleb: Sorry. Grammatical error.

Seth rushing in to prom: Sorry I'm late. I was caught in traffic. realizing with dawning horror: I'm on stage.
Crowd Member: You're not Zach Stevens!
Seth: No, I'm not.
Emcee Guy: I think you should step down.
Crowd Member: Seth Cohen's a tool!
[...]
Crowd Member: But he's a tool

THE DEARLY BELOVED

Sandy at Caleb's funeral: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievement were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather, a truly terrible father-in-law... So, he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. Rest in peace, Caleb. And if you can't do that, I'm sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

Hailey: So you moved to Hawaii. How is it?
Jimmy: It's fantastic. You would not believe the North Shore.
Hailey: So I've heard.

Julie: If it would help, I could take over Kirsten Watch for awhile.
Sandy: I don't know if anything's gonna help.
Julie: So then let her glower at me. I'm used to it.
Sandy: Unfortunately, so am I these days. Thank you Julie.

Seth about the Bait Shop: Do I still even work here? I should find out for tax purposes.

Trey: I was helping Jess out and it got a little outta control.
Ryan: Story of your life, right?
Trey: Yeah, but that was it, man. I told her I'm done.
Ryan: Done. You've been done before, too.
Trey: Dude, I know, but Jess turned out to be a little crazier than I expected.
Ryan: Really? That a surprise considering you met her face down in a pool.

Sandy: You are a part of it. Whether you want to be or not. You want to run away again? Get in your boat and sail away? Your mother needs you.
Enter Ryan
Sandy: Come on in Ryan, you should hear this.
Seth: Yeah, apparently mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. So plan your afternoon accordingly.

Kirsten: Oh, don't you say a word. I let you into this house.
Ryan: Yeah, you did. Because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.

Jimmy: What if I decided to stay? What if we gave it another shot? We're both older and wiser now.
Julie: We'll, I'm certainly wiser.

Seth: This whole floating in the pool thing is not really helping.
Ryan: Yeah, I hear you.
Seth: Neither is video games or the wisdom of Chuck Klosterman.
Ryan: You know, we should get out of the house. Hit an old folks home, some shuffleboard action.
Seth: I'm not really in the mood for old people.
Ryan: IMAX movie? Something with sharks?
Seth: Eh, I don't like sharks.
Doorbell rings
Seth: The way things have been going, I bet that's Oliver.

Ryan: All year, I have tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.
Seth: Wait, Ryan, what are you gonna do?
Ryan: I'm gonna settle this with Trey. Once and for all.

Marissa: Hey, what's going on?
Seth: Well, we're on our way to Trey's, but you're closer. Maybe you can stop him.
Marissa: What are you talking about?
Seth: Ryan knows.

Kirsten to the boys: Sit. You are having Eggs Benedict Gruyere avec Paté de Foie.
Sandy: Something smells... fancy.

Kirsten: You know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth: Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning. I just don't think they're gonna have French fusion on the menu.

Summer: You know, college fairs are kind of like shopping. It's all about brand recognition.
Seth: Did you know Princeton was once called the College of New Jersey.

Seth: He could be off joining the Foreign Legion. Could be off joining a cult. Ryan could be— I don't know, he could be taking place in a mass marriage right now. Drinking Koolaid. With brand new sneakers. So many sick things...

Seth: Ryan's about a yellow slicker and a graveyard away from becoming the Gorton's fisherman.
Summer: Huh. Yeah, not getting the reference.

Seth about his plan: I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer: You mean the place where Theresa may or may not have conceived Ryan's baby and the place where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer: Ew. But I like it.

Sandy: I for one, I love The Tofu. Tofuna. Tofurkey. Tobagel. Cream Tocheese. Too much?
Seth: It was a valiant effort.

Ryan: I may not be an Atwood anymore, but I'm not a Cohen either. I don't know what I am.

Seth: Hey. It's The Return of the Not-So-Ancient Mariner.

THE SWELLS

Taylor: Have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is gonna spend the night in the gym.
Summer: Oh! Can't make it.
Seth: Yeah. I'm taking off my arm with a hacksaw.

Summer about Marissa: She's not studying. She's at the beach with Johnny.
awkward pause
Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Summer: I'm just the messenger.

Taylor's Mom: Taylor, untuck your shirt. Your ass is so not made for low riders.
Taylor: Got it.

Volchek: Hey Casey, hold up a second. I thought you were dating Harper.
Casey: I am.
Volchek: Doesn't look like it.

Seth: Summer called. She said something about you getting to some guy's house on Dune Row right away. Some emergency.
Ryan: Is it Marissa?
Seth to Ryan: I don't know. My cell phone was confiscated. Which I do believe is a violation of my civil liberties!

Seth's Voicemail: This is Seth. It's 2005. You know how these things work.

Seth: Ryan, I am freaking out right now. I'm using a payphone. And god knows what Asian strain of lip herpes I'm contracting.
Ryan: That's disgusting. I'll be there as soon as possible.

Summer: I'm sorry I overreacted. I meddled. Oh my god, I'm Seth.

Julie: There is not a lie in the world I haven't heard or told so just give it to me straight. It'll save us a lot of time.
Charlotte: I was never going to hurt you, Julie.
Julie: Right. You were just going to scam me into throwing a big charity and leave me to pick up the pieces so you could skip town.
Charlotte: What if you help me?
Julie: Are you drinking again?

Kirsten: I thought you loathed corporate America.
Sandy: Oh I do. I loathe it all. The greed, Republicans, navy suits.

Sandy: Listen I expect you to take this job seriously. I'm not gonna be out drinking with you every night after work. Weekends maybe. And tonight. Game on, Matt.
Matt: Game on, boss.

Taylor: Sorry! I can't hear you.
Summer to Taylor: What do you mean you can't hear—? You're responding!
Taylor: Sorry!

THE ANGER MANAGEMENT

Summer: What, like you didn't start it by hooking up with someone's girlfriend?
Seth: Good point. Or that's unnecessary to continuity. Either/or.

Taylor: So, you're like Seth's best friend, right?
Ryan: Don't tell Captain Oats.
Taylor: That's funny. I didn't know that you were funny.

Seth: Even if I didn't love Summer? Her and I, we're totally incompatible, seeing as how she's crazy and I'm not.
Ryan: I thought you said she wasn't that bad.
Seth: Taylor Townsend? In fourth grade she campaigned against making the school handicap accessible. She said it was "reverse Darwinism". Besides who— who— wants Dean Hess' seconds.

Summer: Who was that? It sounded like a girl.
Seth: Did it? Yeah. Well, sure. Because I'm listening to the radio. And This American Life is on. And so there's a girl talking.
Summer: Is that that show where those hipster know-it-alls talk about how fascinating ordinary people are? God.

Taylor: Hi Summer. You look really cute.
Summer: I know. But more importantly why are you always talking to my boyfriend?

Taylor: I live in this dream world where I think that Summer is my friend and that you like me. And the truth is that I don't have anybody. I mean, god, even the Grinch has that stupid little dog!

Charlotte: Julie, what the hell do you think you're doing?
Julie: Oh. Could you not hear me? I always hold the microphone too far away.

Julie: Now, I think it's time you left, don't you? This town's only really big enough for one manipulative bitch. Take care, sweetie.

Summer: Yakuza? Were you with Taylor?
Seth: She's having an emotional crisis.
Summer: Yeah, well she's about to have a physical one.

Sandy: I fired four people today. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this job.
Kirsten: I'm glad you're upset.
Sandy: Good pep talk!

THE GAME PLAN

Seth: Okay picture me at college. Big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond?
Ryan: I don't know. I never really pictured you living in a pond.
Seth: Me neither.

Mrs. Rushfield: So we'll deal with grades and boards later, but for now I just want to get a feel for what you want. Where you imagine yourself.
Seth: Ah, somewhere cold. Or brisk. I would settle for brisk.
Summer: I want 365 sun days. I don't mean the day after Saturday.
Ryan: Ah...

Seth: I just had a meeting with the counselor and she said I had a very good shot at getting in. Because I'm awesome.

Seth acting out the conversation: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley. Where did you get that gun? Why do you have this gun?" That doesn't have a good ring to it.

Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, Doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It's not a hip-hop war.

Julie: Kirsten, I don't need your charity.
Kirsten: Then why are you living in a trailer? I'm sorry. I followed you yesterday.
Julie: Well, then I certainly hope you're opening up a detective agency.

Summer: What is it with people showing up with bags?

Gus: Hey, Julie!
Julie: I've got a gun, Gus.
Gus: That's cool.

Ryan: What happens on vacations? Do I stay in the poolhouse?
Sandy: No matter where you go, this will always be your home.

Sandy: Yeah, you missed my story about playing Nanki-Poo in The Mikado.

Summer: Uh oh, you and Seth are going to have to do the long distance thing. Better not cheat on each other.
Ryan: It's college. Things happen.
Seth: Are you questioning my sexuality?

THE DISCONNECT

Julie: Sandy, I don't think I'm in favor of low income housing.
Kirsten: Julie, you live in a trailer park.

Summer: Well maybe I never had a dream. You know, maybe for once in my life I actually want to do something in my life. Like something important. Be the first woman in space or win one of the noble prizes.
Seth: Summer, women have been going to space since the 60s. And it's not noble prizes, it's Nobel prize. Marie Curie won in 1903 for discovering radium.
Summer: I think you've made your point.

Kirsten: Is that a pirate costume?
Seth: Summer and I are at war.
Sandy: A pirate war?
Seth: Well it turns out Brown usually takes only one student from Harbor and we both want to be it so I need a hook.
Sandy: Oh, you mean like a Captain Hook?

Seth: Did you just whack me with your tuba?
Summer: Did you just jab me with your peg leg?
Seth: It's a tap, you little whacker.
Summer: Jab, jabber. Why do you have to be better than me at everything.
Seth: See, that's just it, Summer. I'm not better than you at everything. There was one thing that I was better at.

Jeff: I haven't invited anyone. I was hoping, Julie, that you might join me for dinner.
Kirsten: Mr. XYZ, if this is a joke it's not funny. I spent two days cooking and Julie bought a Flower Mart.

Seth: So, Ryan. You're a working man now. How's the job going? Model homes, calculators, dudes in suits. I bet that's pretty exciting stuff.
Ryan: You'd be surprised.

Seth: ...My intelligence was the one quality she admired in me. It made me almost a man in her eyes.
Ryan: C'mon, man. That's not true. You've got plenty of other positive qualities. You're funny. When you want to be.
Seth: Have you noticed how Summer's gotten a lot funnier lately? I mean I think she's funnier than me now.
You're an expert in comic books and Yakuza films.
Seth: Girls don't like that.
Ryan: You know how to work a grill.

Summer: A vicodin love confession is still a love confession.

Kirsten: How was your date?
Julie: Oh, it was awful. We totally didn't click, we had nothing to talk about, his tongue was like sandpaper.

THE CHRISMUKKAH BAR MITZ-VAHKKAH

Summer: And what do you think, Cohen?
Seth: My Chrismukkah forecast calls for trouble.

Kirsten: I came to see how you were.
Julie: I'm great. Some of the neighbors are having a cock fight in an hour using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.
Kirsten: Good. 'Cause I'm awful.
Julie: I'm spitting Skol into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that—if I wanted to—I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.

Sandy: It's a sacred religious event. A tradition that marks a Jewish child's obligation to observe the ten commandments.
Seth: I'm sorry. And that's the problem with the Jews right there. We have no concept of marketing.

Seth: As soon as you hear "that's what friends are for" you're done.
Ryan: That song is Jewish?
Seth: It might as well be. It's a staple of every bar mitzvah. It's you and all your friends, your arms around each other swaying. It's awesome.
Ryan: I thought all the kids you invited went to Luke's birthday party.
Seth: It's hypothetically awesome.

Young Seth: This is my funeral. Not my bar mitzvah. And no one showed up. And you said Summer Roberts was coming.

Seth: Jews don't believe in saints. Just really good stand up comics.

Seth: That was remarkable timing, my mom right there.
Sandy: Oy, humbug.

Neil: The way my wife self-medicates she could be a pharmacist. Been miserable for years.
Julie: I live in a trailer park.

Sandy: Marissa, come join us. You're practically family.
Seth: I think technically she is.

Seth: Seth Cohen. Hello. Ryan... forgot his glasses so he's going to be right back.
Sandy: Ryan doesn't wear glasses.
Seth: He does when he's reading from right to left.

Sandy: What did I tell ya!
Kirsten: Best. Chrismukkah. Ever.

THE SAFE HARBOR

Summer: If we're going to launch a successful campaign to get Marissa back into Harbor we have to find someone who can organize the masses. Someone who they'll follow, you know, into battle.
Seth: You mean General Townsend?
Summer: Affirmative.

Taylor withdraws from the campaign
Seth: I guess that means no button guy.
Summer: Seth!
Seth: I just wanted to meet the button guy!

Neil: The girls should be home any minute. I think they were up most of the night last night working on the petition. They're so hopeful.
Julie: And here we are about to ruin everything.
Neil: It's really selfish of us if you think about it, isn't it?
Julie: You know, I suppose I could wait a couple of days, see how things pan out.
Neil: It really is more of a weekend conversation, isn't it?
Julie: You are so right.
Neil: You know, I could really go for a drink.
Julie: You read my mind.

Ryan: Alright, so it's down to the three of us, the AV club, and the comic book geeks.
Seth: Actually Leon is still a bit of a hold out.

Summer: I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi. Naturally. And Taylor is the leather-faced guy who talks to horses.
Seth: You want me to trade sex for signatures?
Summer: Get her on board. I want Marissa back at this school.
Seth: I feel so dirty.

Seth: I have been sanctioned to offer you sexual favors. I swear Summer said it was okay.
Taylor: Wow. Anything else, you would facing a long night. Involving candle wax, tubesocks and the new Fiona Apple CD. But Marissa, I can't.
Seth: Okay, well, lucky for both of us I have the option to forego manwhoring and make an appeal to your heart. Because I know that you have one.

Neil about the pork rinds: I'll just, take these and be outside trading stock tips with your friend, Gus.

Summer: Surrender, much? I bet Napoleon never talked like this.
Ryan: Well, maybe he should have before he was defeated and exiled.
Seth: Summer, my little Empress, this is our Waterloo. Let's just retreat and minimize collateral damage.

Marissa: Thanks so much for doing this.
Ryan: It really means a lot.
Sandy: Ornery judge, captive audience, righteousness on my side. I feel right at home.

THE SISTER ACT

Seth: Every time things are going too well around here, that's when doom comes aknockin'.
Ryan: Doom?
Seth: Aknockin'. doorbell Or aringin'. Right on time. Don't answer it. It's probably a flaming bag of crap.
Ryan: Or FedEx.

Kirsten: Veronica. What are you doing here?
Veronica: Hello, Kirsten. I hear you and Julie are starting a new dating service. I want you to set me up with the delicious Dr. Neil Roberts.
Kirsten: The father of Marissa's best friend? The girl you called "Little Miss Columbine" at last week's board meeting?

Sandy: Do you know Veronica Townsend?
Neil: Do I know Veronica Townsend? Sandy, I know every former A-cup in this town.

Marissa: I can't find my stupid jacket.
Ryan: I'll help.
Marissa: It's brown. With things on it.
Ryan: And it's stupid?

Seth: I love how people just come in now. No more of that useless back and forth to the front door.

Julie: I'll be okay, Kiki. I'm like the Gulf Region. At this point, what's one more hurricane?

Kirsten: Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and... you-know-who.
Seth: Now we have a quorum.

Marissa: I'm sorry. But we were just trying to spare you.
Kaitlin: From what? From being a part of this family?

Summer: My god. That is amazing. And all you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?
Seth: Yes, that is exactly what I said.
Summer: You told her he had genital warts? C'mon!

Summer: Of course I didn't mean to hit you.
Seth: I know. I just find it interesting how your hand collided with my face.

THE POT STIRRER

Seth: Dude, I planned my first escape on an Etch-a-Sketch. This is my dream. It's just, I don't know, man. It's real.
Ryan: Well, why don't you talk to Summer about it. I mean, I'm sure she's freaking out a bit, too.
Seth: I'll be fine. Seriously. This is just my process.
Ryan: Fair enough. You're pouring coffee in your cereal.

Neil: I'm just happy that we're finally meeting. After you postponed twice I thought maybe you changed your mind.
Julie: No. I just, kept thinking about the fact that our daughters are best friends, I'm a recent widow, you're just out of a marriage.
Neil: So what finally tipped the scales?
Julie: I felt something.
Neil: Me too.
Julie: I'm so sorry. reaching for her wallet I really have to go—
Neil: No no. I've got this. Julie, how 'bout dinner on Sunday night? I know this terrible burger joint. Even the owner avoids it. We'll be totally alone.
Julie: Sunday then.

Ryan: "Who has been the greatest influence in your intellectual development?"
Summer: Um, Miuccia Prada.
Seth: You probably wanna say something more like Einstein or—
Summer: So you want me to lie?
Seth: No, it's just, uh, I don't think Prada is the answer they're looking for.
Summer: Well this interview could determine the rest of our lives, right? Well, if I say something I don't believe in I could end up with the wrong life. How awful would that be?
Ryan: She has a point.
Summer: I have to go get a mani-pedi.
Seth: Summer.
Summer: Cohen. If you memorize the answers you think they want to hear, that's fine. But I believe in being myself. And by the way, Miuccia Prada combines styles from time periods in a way that people never even imagined possible.

Seth: You know I was taught that when you have something good, what you're supposed to do is you hang on to it. You know? You hang on to it with both hands. And if someone tries to take it from you. what you should do is you should make sure they pry it from your cold, dead fingers.

Julie: You know, after years of doing cardiobar and yogalates I forgot how good this feels. I got three honks.

Seth: You're a mystery solver. You're like an Encyclopedia Brown.

Seth: I love it when you go for the comedy. But I would not quit your day job beating up people.

Seth: Dude, I am not stoned anymore.
Ryan: Okay, then why are you in my shower?
Seth: Woah. How'd that happen?
Ryan: Just drink the coffee.

Sandy: I balked at taking him out to dinner, but I'm totally cool about turning your apartment into a Playboy grotto.

Can't be quoted, but the awkward moment when Ryan is trying to extract himself from the scene with Julie and Neil? Funny.

Summer: I'm looking to see if Brown has a course in human sexuality. 'Cause no offense, you are so taking that.

THE CLIFF HANGER

Seth: So I wanted to be alone. Are you the only one in this family that's allowed to brood?

Seth: We're getting dangerously close to an After-School Special here, Ryan. It's marijuana and I did it twice.

Julie: I know you've been married for, like, 200 years, but you must remember something about dating.
Kirsten: Well I hope so or I'm in the wrong business.

Johnny: Look, Marissa and I have a history together, alright? It's complicated.
Kaitlin: Uncomplicate it. Do something.

Neil looking through the New Match book: She's pretty.
Julie: Pear-shaped. But pretty.
Neil: Oo. Look at her. Nice... smile.
Julie: Yeah. Adult braces.

Ryan: Look, maybe you just feel sorry for him. Or, maybe sometimes you didn't think you could talk to me, I wasn't listening. Or maybe you're in love with him. Either way you've gotta figure it out. Until then, I don't want to see you.
Marissa: Look, I know things have been confusing—
Ryan leaves. Literally, figuratively and... temporarily. Marissa sucks.

Julie: It's my own fault. I let you do the scheming. Clearly not your wheelhouse. From now on if someone needs to be manipulated we put me in charge.
Kirsten: Fair enough.

Summer: Cohen, you are in a deceit spiral. And if you don't stop now, you could turn in to some creepy old men who have secret attics where they hide stolen money and porn.
Seth: Okay, first of all? That sounds awesome. Second of all, it could be worse. I got scared.
Summer: Scared?
Seth: Yeah. Tongue-tied, dizzy, my bladder felt weak.

Summer: What's that smell?
Seth: It is... incense. I was doing yoga plus I had some really bad gas.
Summer: Gross.

Julie: Go away Gus. I told you, I don't want to play strip pinochle.
Neil: You play strip pinochle?
Julie: Long story.

Neil: You can be manipulative, you can be aggressive. I've known you to stretch the truth on occasion. But the fact is, when I'm not around you, I miss you.
Julie: You do?
Neil: What can I say? I've fallen for you.
Julie: Well this just may be your lucky night. I have an extra Hot Pocket.

Johnny: Dude, you are the last person I want to see right now.
Ryan: Okay, alright, let's get you down from here. We can talk about it later, okay?
Johnny: Right, right. So you can save me one more time for Marissa.

THE HEAVY LIFTING

Seth: You can't blame yourself. You tried.
Ryan: And failed.

Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission, you toppled the dessert tray.
Julie: Yeah, but it did get his attention.

Sadie: He said you might think it's cheesy, but that's what you were to him. An angel. [Of Suck].

Sandy to Matt: This is your fourth quarter bonus, by the way.

Sadie: It's a funeral. People say sorry before they say hello.

Kaitlin: You're like an adult.
Justin: My parents are therapists. They're annoying, but pretty smart.

Sandy: Who knew women's panties were such a minefield?
Seth: Don't say panties.

Kaitlin: Are you going to try and act like this is a strange coincidence?
Justin: Not... anymore.

Summer: Hm. That's pretty smart. You may just have rocked my world. I'm wearing the thong.
Seth: Yeah, that's... that's my mom's.
Summer: Ew.

Julie: Oh no. I don't do oysters. If I'm going to swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me.

Justin: Hey. Kaitlin. I think there's something in your eye. What— it couldn't be! Is that a tear?
Kaitlin: Shut up.

THE ROAD WARRIOR

Seth: I've got two girls in bikinis trying to seduce me. Which sounds awesome. But I'm scared, I'm wet, and I'm cold, Ryan.
Ryan: Okay. Alright, I'll be right there. I just gotta towel off.
Seth: Why do you have to towel off?

Kirsten: Maybe you two should stop sneaking around and go public.
Julie: I don't disagree. And neither does my chiropractor.

Ryan: What's this guy doing here?
Volchok: That's funny, because I was just about to ask her the same thing about you.
Ryan: Yeah, well, you've always been kind of slow.

Summer: My dad has disastrous taste in women. If I don't step in he'll wind up with the first money-grubbing slutbag that gets into the backseat of his Mazerati.
Kirsten: Julie, would you like to take this?

Sadie: Your bookie?
Ryan: No. It's just Seth. I'll call him in the morning.

Seth: Dude, where are you?
Ryan: Indio. How much trouble am I in?
Seth: Ah, none yet. Mom and Dad think you're helping inner city kids paint an overpass mural. I'm rolling around in your bed right now. So it looks slept in.
Ryan: You probably do that anyway.

Taylor: Just what are we going to tell Summer?
Summer: What's who going to tell Summer?
Seth: Do I need to call a locksmith?
Summer: What are you doing here, T-Bag?

Bail Bond Guy: I got authority to protect this property with lethal force. You know what that means?
Ryan: It means we'll be out in the car.

Sadie: Stakeout look so much cooler in movies.
Ryan: Yeah, that's because they cut right to the part where the guy shows up.

THE JOURNEY

Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday's your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan's turning 16. Becoming a fully franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school. The important thing is we need a party.

Seth: What do you want to do with this? holds up Marissa's invitation
Ryan: You're the Birthday General.
Seth: First of all, I'm the Birthday Captain. And the decision of whether to invite Marissa or not is way beyond my pay grade.

Claire's fun fact: The invite type looked a lot like Caflisch with some tweaks to the ss. The more you know...

Summer: Look, I got nothing against you. In theory. But my dad just got out of a marriage and I don't want him rushing back into another.
Julie: Oh, Summer. I totally understand. We are nowhere near close to getting engaged. Trust me.

Marissa to Volchok: So what, are you stalking me now?

Julie: The truth is I asked you to breakfast for a reason. For the past few months I've been seeing Neil Roberts.
Marissa: Dr. Roberts? Wait, what have you had done?

Summer: Um, hi. Two homeless guys just got into a fight over the crudité and knocked down Scientist Ryan.

Sandy: As of today we may no longer be your legal guardians, but you will always be part of this family.

Sadie: You do know this is a Foreigner song, right?
Ryan: Yeah.
Sadie: Okay.

THE UNDERTOW

Seth: Who knew my new PlayStation idol would be your new girlfr— new...
Sadie: Friend.
Seth: Friend... Girl friend.
Summer: Nice save.
Sadie: I think friend is the word.
Ryan: I'm gonna get that.
Sadie: Nice dodge.
Ryan: Thanks.

Taylor: Holy Kodak moment!
Summer: I guess Seth just aced his Brown interview.
Taylor: That's fantastic. We're so gonna party tonight. I'll make a flan.
Summer: You know what, Taylor, Seth and I were thinking about hanging out alone. My dad's out of town, so...
Taylor: Ah. Say no more. nudging Summer Hm. Hm.
Summer: What's wrong with your eye?
Taylor: It's a knowing wink, Summer.

Sadie: You're still into toy cars? You know I'm gonna choose to find that cute instead of creepy.
Ryan: It's just something someone gave me.
Sadie: This wouldn't by any chance have anything to do with that Hooters waitress that showed up at your door yesterday.

Kirsten: Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks, doesn't mean she should be ignored.

Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.
Which totally sounded like a Brody ad lib to me.

Jen: Here I am. Down a boyfriend. Up a stalker.

Ryan: Look, you gotta stop dating guys like him. And I gotta stop dating girls like you.

Seth: Is that a no to the Wheelbarrow?
Summer: I'll Wheelbarrow you.

THE SECRETS AND LIES

Summer: I'm sounding out a hot new couple alert. Act like you knew nothing.
Seth: I don't.

Seth: So if the body doesn't lie...
Summer: Then it's saying, "Ew."
Seth: "Ew"? Or "Touch my pooper"?

Seth: Tense, tightly-wound shut-in. That's all I want out of you, okay? It's kind of a Boo Radley-shade. Far away from The Bait Shop and all of it's unsavory characters.

Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That's a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It's just hard to tell these days.

Summer: Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You're mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put her words together these days.
Seth: She's usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He's so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.

Matt: You think thing's have been complicated? You haven't seen anything yet. Boss.

Summer: You may be Mrs. Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts, but if you make my dad happy—
Neil: Which she does.
Julie: I do.
Summer: Then I'm happy.

Summer: We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents' engagement party to skank out with the surf Nazi.
Seth: Your dad and Julie got engaged? You kind of buried the lead there, Summer.
Summer: We've got bigger fish here, Cohen. Marissa is on a slut spiral and we need to stop her.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Seth: All this time I thought getting into college would make things so much easier.
Ryan: Yeah. Not gonna happen.
Seth: There's a cold front coming through.

Taylor: Have you spoken to Marissa lately?
Summer: Well, if you count "Pass the milk" and "Don't be so skanky,"—

Ryan: Everything okay?
Seth: Yeah. No. It's just that if she sees me she'll dress me like a Timberland Barbie.

Summer: I can't believe Ryan and Sadie are moving to Berkeley together. I think that's so romantic.
Seth: I don't know what Ryan's thinking.
Summer: What are you talking about?
Seth: Well he's 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you're with the one you think you should be with. That you'll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don't.

Ryan: Seth, uh, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth: Did I get into—? Ryan, now who's smoking pot. Listen to me: the only class that I've ever gotten less than an A in is gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs. Rushfield cry. So of course I... augh, how could I not get in?

Taylor: Summer, getting a man is like capturing a wily silverback gorilla in the Ugandan highlands. You see, nature is telling that gorilla to stay in the wild. But you and I know that that gorilla would be much happier back in the zoo on a normal feeding schedule. But sometimes he's just got to roar and beat his chest before you shoot him with a tranq dart.
Summer: So what you're saying is he's trying to exert his gorilla independence.
Taylor: Exactly.

Summer: Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?
Marissa: Lord of the Rings.

Neil: Hey. You okay?
Julie: Please, I just— I can't do this right now.
Neil: Do what?
Julie: Sit here and be tested as wife/mother material while I'm worried about my daughter's future. I get it, okay? It's not what you expected. I failed. Fine. But right now I need to think about Marissa.
Neil: Julie, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were being tested. I— I was wrong. And you've hardly failed. I think Marissa is very lucky to have you as her mom.
Summer: Hey, guys. We're going to the party.
Marissa: Bye Mom, bye Dr. Roberts.
Neil: See what I mean.

Taylor: Hi. I'm Taylor. I used to be like total enemies with those guys but I'm pretty much second circle core now.

THE DAWN PATROL

Julie: Keep that grimey paw away from me. Unless you wanna see what ten years of cardiobar can do to your face.

Kirsten: Well whatever happens, you have at least one proud mother watching you when you graduate.
Ryan: Thanks.

Teacher: You do an impression of me, Mr. Cohen?
Seth: Ah. No, no, I don't do any impressions. I don't, um, use props, I don't like jokes in general.
Teacher: Well, why don't you work on some one-liners in Dr. Kim's office.

Julie: Listen up, Tommy Lee. You're just the latest in a series of experiments my daughter likes to make when acting out. So enjoy it. Because right here, right now is as good as it gets for you. Soon Marissa's gonna wake up and realize she is so much better than you and your life.
Volchok: You think she's gonna come running back to you.
Julie: Marissa knows that I will be there for her whenever she decides to come home because I am her family. Not some punk with a smirk, three brain cells, and a good coke connection. You tell her that.

Dawn: You don't have to lie to me, Ryan. And you don't have to worry about me embarassing you at your graduation.
Ryan: Mom—
Dawn: You know what, I may not have been the best mother in the world, but I have never been ashamed of my family.

Chloe: I'm sorry.
Ryan: It's okay. Your little family intervention seems to have worked.
Chloe: Oh. Then I'm not sorry. For anything that may have happened.
Ryan: Me neither.

Seth: Gonna be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining, ah, maybe some brainstorming, you don't mind?
Ryan: It's good to be home. Alright, how are we going to get your Summer back?
Seth: Plan A: I fake my own death. You never wanna underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
Ryan: Is there a plan B?
Seth: Yeah yeah. Uh, I could hack in through the Brown firewall into the Admission's office mainframe and reverse my acceptance.
Ryan: That's actually a good idea. You know how to do that?
Seth: I had an uncle that went to DeVry.

THE COLLEGE TRY

Summer to Marissa: 48 hours ago, Coop, you were Newport's Courtney Love.

Julie: Marissa, honey, you know it's not too late to go with you. I promise I won't embarrass you. I can pretend to be part of your entourage. Or your Scientology guide.

Neil: Honey, I don't get it. You throw all of these parties with the dating service.
Julie: Well, I have Kirsten then. She's my wing woman.
Neil: So invite Kirsten. And Sandy. He can network with the doctors and she can... wing woman.

Seth: Ryan, I am touching ivy right now.
Ryan: What?
Seth: Real ivy. It grows on the buildings here. Those pictures in the brochure, they are not Photoshopped.
Ryan: I take it you're in the middle of the quad right now?
Seth: Yeah. Dead center.
Ryan: Pretty stealth. I can't imagine anyone actually seeing you there.
Seth: I know, I know, it's a Summer hot zone. I just had to come and visit campus for a few minutes.
Ryan: And it's perfect?
Seth: Man, it's better than perfect. Seth Cohen has come home to roost.
Off Screen: Cohen!?
Ryan: Who's that?
Seth: I don't know. I'm too afraid to turn around.

Seth: Mocking Newport with Anna Stern. That is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Anna: Mine too.

Brown Guy: The fact is, the US has been performing their own jihads for decades. Just instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.
Brown Girl: Totally.
Summer: You guys, what is a jihad?
Brown Guy: Exactly.
Brown Girl: Way to reframe the question, Summer.
Summer: Hm.

Marissa: So, I know the whole "friendship" thing didn't really work out in Newport, but—
Ryan: That was Newport, you know. Everything feels different here. I'm willing to try.
Marissa: Hm. Well I don't know. You know, 'cause if I was in your circle of friends I might accidentally let it slip that you used to do musicals.
Ryan: I have enough dirt on you to last the next four years. So bring it on.
Marissa: That might be true.

Tour Guy: Kumar? Your name is Kumar?
Seth: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half-Indian, I'm half-Jewish. I am a HinJew.

Seth: Summer, you can't just ignore me forever.
Summer: Oh yes I can. Don't you remember middle school? I was really good at ignoring you. Now I'm just getting back inshape.

Sandy: You told him?
Kirsten: I didn't think Ryan would come home.
Sandy: Oh, you know Ryan better than that.
Kirsten: It just happened. You weren't there. You had to take a business call.
Sandy: Oh, so you told Ryan about Theresa to punish me.

Kirsten: I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen. Who has told me countless times over the past year how important this hospital is to him.
Julie to Neil: Ouch.
Kirsten: You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.

THE PARTY FAVOR

Ryan: Have you told her there's nothing going on between you and Anna?
Seth: I've tried, but every time I get close she pulls her rape whistle.

Summer: Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer and then I would get your bones to the sharks.

Kirsten: When are we gonna talk about us?
Sandy: In public again, or were you thinking about something a little more private this time?
Kirsten: I'm sorry I attacked you. But it at least got you to listen.

Taylor: Now you know how I'm going with Sun Ho.
Summer: The guy from the Korean barbecue?
Taylor: Oh yeah. We, like, totally found each other at the sweatshirt party. He's got this wonderfully hairless body. It's like hooking up with a seal.
Summer: I have to go.

Summer's Voicemail: "Hey it's Summer. Leave a message."
Seth: Summer, hey. I just want to apologize for what happened in the girls bathroom today. I didn't mean to follow you in. Or spook Mrs. Rushfield. I was just trying to explain that the idea of a romance between me and Anna is so insane that—
Anna: Hello Seth.
Seth: I gotta go.

Seth: Ah, there she is. Look at a true friend, Ryan. 2000 miles she flies.
Anna: In a middle seat.
Seth: All to make sure Summer and I go to the prom together. Tell me, would you do so much?
Ryan: Let's not test it.

Marissa: So do you think Kevin will like this?
Summer: Yeah, if it rips off easy.

Seth: Oh my god. You what this is? This is the pirate's cave from Goonies. I've died and gone to heaven.

Summer: You know, just everyone, leave me alone.
Seth: She probably just needs a moist washcloth. Or maybe, like, a towelette.
Anna: Cohen.
Seth: What? What? Is there a no-towelette clause in your plan? 'Cause right now I'm thinking that phase two kinda sucks. Does anyone have a towelette? Does anyone have a towelette?!?! We've gotta find a towelette!

Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. Summer throws up again Alright. Want me to hold your crown? Summer throws up again Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.

Volchok: You probably think I'm an idiot, huh? Screw things up with Marissa. Steal money when everyone's gonna know I took it.
Ryan: I don't think about you. But yes, you're an idiot.

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

Theresa: I don't know what the Korean word for "threesome" is, but I'm pretty sure it was used.

Kirsten: Responsible for development? Sandy, the only thing that's responsible for is a lot of sleepless nights and Matt Ramsey's black eye. You know my father was Man of the Year.
Sandy: The irony is not lost on me, believe me.

Kirsten: Why don't you say good morning to Newport's Man of the Year.
Seth: I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to this community.
Ryan: You'd have to be a man first. Congratulations, Sandy.

Ryan: Whatever you're into. Drugs, guns...
Volchok: That's none of your business.
Ryan: I know. And I don't want it to be.

Hadley: Shut up.
Kaitlin: You shut up.
Marissa: Okay, both of you shut up.

Seth: Are you decent? If I come in am I inviting years of therapy?

Sandy: You smoked pot in our home.
Seth: Would you rather I do it somewhere else? Like my college dorm?
Sandy: That would require you getting into college.
Seth: Do you think it's such a great idea me going away to college when mom's been drinking again?
Sandy: What are you talking about?
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.

Neil: It feels like a conflict of interest. I may have to testify against the man. I'm sure they'll understand.
Julie: Well I don't. The Cohens are like family, Neil.

Julie: You changed your mind.
Neil: No, you changed my mind. You're a very passionate woman. And surprisingly principled.
Julie: I'd like to think so.
Neil: If you feel so strongly about family, how could I not want to be a part of yours?

Copper: Who are you, his lawyer?
Sandy: I'm his father.

THE GRADUATES

Seth: "Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray."

Seth: This is it, dude. We never have to set foot in this stupid school or this stupid student lounge again.
Ryan: Nostalgic already, huh?
Seth: Never gonna have to see any of these shoe-peeing, shallow water polo-playing—
A guy knocks into Seth
Water Polo Player: Get outta my way, geek. What is that, a dress?
Seth: It's a graduation gown. You're wearing one too.
Water Polo Player to his friend: Queered and Weird are wearing a "gown".

Ryan: You know, this is gonna sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I'd kinda like to be the last person to say goodbye.
Marissa: You know, it's funny. I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Taylor: And if I could leave you all with one final word of advice: Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don't let the bastards get you down.

Sandy: I know the last few years have been a roller coaster. There's been tragedy and comedy. And first loves, broken hearts. Family members we've lost and found. It hasn't all been perfect, but we're all a family here. So cheers.

Taylor: It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!

Ryan: ...And thanks again for the car.
Dawn: You bet.
Seth: Ryan got a car? Really? I've been waiting for years for a car. I'm supposed to be the spoiled one.

Ryan: Again, I think the pearls would have looked good on you.
Volchok: Yeah, you're a funny kid.

Julie: I just want you to know, everything I ever did—good, bad or otherwise—I did it for you. So that you could have a better life than I had. And I know I wasn't perfect. I mean, the thing with Luke, and, trying to frame Ryan for attempted homicide, I—
Marissa: Mom, I love you. Just know that.
Julie: Oh, sweetheart. That's all I wanted. I love you too.

Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
Marissa: I definitely never would have talked to Seth.
Summer: Oh hell no. Me either.
Seth: Hahahah!
Ryan: See, you owe me one, buddy.
Seth: Me? She'd still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.

Summer: I can't believe that for a minute I was actually interested in Atwood. laughs Okay, no offense.
Ryan: None taken, beeyotch.
Marissa: It was only until you found out he was from Chino.
Summer: Exactly.
Ryan: You actually invited me to Holly's beach house.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I'm not faring well, this trip down memory lane.

Marissa: I'm sorry for all the craziness.
Ryan: I wouldn't have done it any differently. Except maybe Oliver.

Julie: Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?
Kaitlin: 'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.

Seth: So, Friday morning. A little check-in before the weekend. I'm still here, kickin' the Newport-style. I can't believe I just said that. But yeah. Things are good. Ryan's decision to defer college seems to be working out well. He's got a new place, new job, making some new friends. Sandy Cohen is doing what he does best. Fighting the man. Sticking up for the little guy...

Seth: I'm sorry, maybe I didn't understand you correctly. Did you seriously ask if there was a comic book based on The X-Men movie?

Seth: Table set for four. Still feels kind of weird.
Sandy: Well things have been a little weird around here lately. Tonight might not be any different. We shouldn't be expecting any miracles.
Seth: No zippy one-liners.
Kirsten: Not a lot of smiles.
Sandy: Few grunts. Occasional shrug.
Seth: Yeah, it'll be just like old times.
Sandy: And I'm looking forward to it.

Neil: Julie! My god! Are you alright? Is there an earthquake I didn't feel?
Julie: No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV.
Neil: Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in?
Julie: I didn't know it was a built-in.
Neil: It's not anymore.

Summer: I don't do sarcasm anymore. I'm post-ironic.
Seth: You mean earnest?

Seth: You know, I don't usually refer to myself as a genius, but I may have to make an exception.

Summer: Ryan, take a deep breath. Just let me do what I do best.
Ryan: Which is what?
Summer: Giving orders. Just do what I say, Atwood. One last time.

Sandy: You know, at the risk of saying too much, being there with her when it happened... You're never going to get over it, but you'll get used to it. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, even if it hurts.
Ryan: Yeah, it's not a good time, okay?
Sandy: Okay. I'm going to shut up now.

Julie and Ryan meet at Marissa's grave
Julie: I was wondering when you'd finally come here.
Ryan: Thanks for meeting me.
Julie: I'm here every day.

THE GRINGOS

Seth: Can't let you go.
Ryan: It's not really your choice.
Seth: So what? Then you're just going to find Volchok and either kill him or get yourself killed? That's insane.
Ryan: This conversation is over. Seth jumps into the Jeep What— what are you doing?
Seth: I'm coming with you. It's not like you're leaving me any choice.
Ryan: I'm gonna tell the cops. I just need to see him first.
Seth: No offense, but, like, nobody believes that.

Seth: So where we going?
Ryan: Mexico.
Seth: Perfect. I need Chiclets.

Summer to Taylor: How did you get here before me? Do you have a secret twin? Because that would explain so much.

Taylor shocked: When was the last time you shaved your legs? It's like a forest. more shocked Oh my god, your toenails!
Summer: Yeah, I don't do that stuff anymore.
Taylor: Obviously. You've got hobbit feet.

Sandy: You know what I think this is?
Kirsten: A coded message.
Sandy: Nothing. Probably the name of a band. Seth wrote it on a paper and put it in his pocket. Relax, sweetheart. phone rings Hello.
Seth: Dad, it's me. Did you get my note? I had to write it in code in case Ryan found it.
Sandy: Right. The note.

Waitress: Is that true? That Volchok killed a girl?
Seth: Yes.
Waitress: I know where he is.

Seth: So did you kill him? I mean that was the plan, right? Not the lie you told me when you said "Trust me, man."

Julie: Kaitlin, I can't, I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't.

THE COLD TURKEY

Sandy comforting Kirsten: It's Thanksgiving. You just watch, this family's going to come together for the holidays. It's what we Cohens do.

Kirsten: When a kid is stealing stuffing in my kitchen, that's usually a sign that something is wrong.
Taylor: I would talk to you, Mrs. Cohen, but this is simply too private.
Kirsten: I'll make you a plate of food.
Taylor: Livingroom?

Seth: I still can't believe you had no reaction to my tattoo.
Summer: I had a reaction. I told you to get that thing removed.

Seth is instructed to keep the dinenr guests from the shelter occupied
Seth: Okay, who here has not seen Battlestar Galactica season one?
Shelter Guy: I missed the season finale.
Seth: Get ready to have your mind blown. In this, Starbuck is a woman....

Ryan: You didn't try to help. You didn't even stop.
Volchok: I got scared. I freaked. I don't know.
Ryan: And she died. On the side of the road.

Sandy: Hey! Didn't I defendant you a couple years ago for a B&E?
Daryl: Yeah. Now I remember. I called you Crazy Eyebrow Man.
Sandy: Well. I'll take that as a compliment.

Julie: Hi.
Sandy: Julie, whatever it is, it'll have to wait. We're having Thanksgiving.
Julie: I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Sandy: I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
Julie: I don't think I've ever meant it.

Julie: Tell me about her.
Ryan: What?
Julie: Anything. Just... tell me about her.

THE METAMORPHOSIS

Summer kisses Seth
Seth: Careful, lady. My girlfriend's gonna be here any second.
Summer punching Seth: Shut up, Cohen.
Seth: Hey. You just punched me. My baby's back.

Ryan: You know you might want to relax.
Taylor: Distract me. Tell me about this, uh, cage fighting. It's something I've been meaning to get into.
Ryan: Yeah? Ask me for another favor and I'd be happy to show you.
Taylor: Oh, Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce. I like it!

Kirsten: So you're really giving up on men?
Julie: Men are to me what Chardonnay is to you. One sip and I'm upside down on a chandelier. Not that you've ever done that.

Seth: Old Summer's been replaced by the real Summer and she looks suspiciously like the new Summer.
Ryan: So she's still in her Go Green phase?
Seth: I don't think it's a phase, man. I think this is her life now and it's obvious I don't fit in.

Julie: Kirsten, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I'm not feeling so hot. Do you mind if I take a raincheck on our girls night in?
Kirsten: Julie, did you just put on lipstick?
Julie: What? No? Uh. I'm just a little flushed. I'll call you.

Terry: Have you met my friend? Julie Cooper, urban cougar.

Seth: Hey Summer. I know flying home early is your move but I stole it. I just want you to keep doing what you're doing because I think it's pretty amazing. So if you don't hear from me for awhile it's not because I don't love you. It's because I do.

THE SLEEPING BEAUTY

Seth: Bollywood, huh? I didn't know you were such a world cinema buff. Especially at 2:30 in the morning.
Ryan: What are you doing up?
Seth: I had a dream. Summer was marrying Ralph Nader and I was playing the marimba at the wedding.
Ryan: Good gig.

Taylor: You might want to sit down. I have huge news and a favor to ask of you.
Seth: You're in love with Ryan and you want my help convincing him to date you.
Taylor: Wow.
Seth: You said he was funny. It's kind of a giveaway.

Summer: Did you find out what they were doing with them?
Che: Eh. It doesn't matter. If it wasn't evil they wouldn't have to keep them locked up in cages like animals.

Seth: I was into recycling way before it was cool. Al Gore, he got half of that stuff from a paper I wrote in sixth grade. I just don't, you know, make a stink because he does good work.

Seth: I saw you dancing with Taylor.
Ryan: Yeah. Is that look supposed to mean something?
Seth: Crazier things have happened. None that I can recall this instant, but—
Ryan: Okay, I don't think so.
Seth: Ask yourself why. She's smart, she's funny.
Ryan: Dude, just forget about it, okay? I'm not gonna date Taylor.

Che: Summer, have I accomplished anything this semester?
Summer: Are you kidding? Che, there would be no political activism at Brown without you. Oh my god, are you getting kicked out?
Che: No. But I think you might be.
Summer: What?
Che: Yeah, they needed a scapegoat. You said yourself that I'm too important to the movement, so...

Sandy: Hey, how'd it go with The Bullit?
Kirsten: Well, as it turns out Julie was dating his 25 year-old son.
Sandy: That's a weird coincidence.
Kirsten: That about sums it up.

THE SUMMER BUMMER

Dean: I'm afraid you're no longer a student here.
Summer: But my dad is living in Seattle with the step-monster. And Taylor Townsend is sleeping in my old bed. And Seth is moving out here so we can be together.
Dean: Ms. Roberts, you need to go home.
Summer: This is my home.

Che: At the reservation they taught us, sometimes the weaker gazelle must be devoured for the good of the herd.
Summer: Oh Che, just shut up, okay? Before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off the fumes from your burning flesh.
Che: Dark.

Kirsten: I couldn't help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.
Ryan: Uh. Oh, did I?
Kirsten: Well since he's out of town and he's going to be moving out next semester you're going to need a new Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.
Ryan: That's very thoughtful.
Kirsten: So, how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind?
Ryan: Usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.

Sandy: Listen, if there's anything else I can do for you I'm gonna be in my room reading comics and listening to indie rock.
Ryan: Sounds good. Seth.

Bullit: I know the Jews are good with numbers and lending stuff—
Sandy: Now there's a stereotype that's not even remotely offensive.

Ryan: What are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?
Taylor: Well, what if I did? Hm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening and pay him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? What difference does it make to you?
Ryan: Well, it's a little strange.
Taylor: Well, so am I. Which is why you ran away from me last night.
Ryan: No, it wasn't 'cause you're strange.
Taylor: What, you don't find me strange?
Ryan: No, I do. But it's not why I took off.

Julie: phone rings Spencer.
Pam: I wish. But it's probably for the best. I am tin roof rusted.
(Gotta love the B-52s)

THE CHRISMUKK-HUH?

Sandy: Kirsten.
Summer: What happened?
Kirsten: Taylor and Ryan, they were hanging decorations and I guess the ladder fell.
Seth: What did the doctor say?
Kirsten: Well, they said apparently there's no serious injury. We just have to wait for them wake up.

Taylor: I am so grateful that if I have to be in a parallel universe that you're here with me. Of course you probably wish you were with someone that you actually want to date. That would be nice, wouldn't it?
Ryan: Oh, even in a parallel universe she never stops.

Alt-Sandy: A philanthropist means you help people.
Alt-Julie: Oh! Well you learn something new everyday.

Taylor: finding out about Julie and Chester. Alt-yoinks! seeing them together Double alt-yoinks! realizing Marissa may still be alive Triple alt-yoinks.

Julie: Oh, now honey I told you my family only drinks wine coolers.
Kaitlin: We're having a very Britney Christmas, mother.
Julie: Yes. Watch out. I might put you on my lap while we drive out there.

Seth: [J]ust like Dorothy had to go see the Wizard, they've got some mission they have to accomplish before they can return.
Sandy: Like what?
Seth: Ah, anything. Could be like our world, only messed up. They've got to reset the balance. Could be a world ruled by giant vegetables and they've got to topple the vegetable despot so they can come back.
Sandy: You had me 'til vegetable despot.

Julie: Veronica, listen. I know you're not the warm and fuzzy type. But it is Christmas Eve and it would mean so much if you could be there. And if you get on that plane right now I'll tell security you have a bomb.
Kaitlin: Wow. Very Jack Bauer of you.

Ryan: I'm from an alternate universe where your dad adopted me and you and Summer are in love. And unless I fix things here—which means getting your parents and you and Summer together—I can't go home.
Alt-Seth: I always knew this would happen.
Ryan: Doesn't surprise me.

Ryan: There's some guy who wants to meet you in the master bathroom. Something about getting a thong off.
Alt-Julie: Oo! That's charity talk. Thong is an acronym for The Homeless of Newport... Go. Or something.

Alt-Summer: Who's this random guy we're all listening to and why am I not drunk yet?

Kaitlin: Between you and me, Taylor in a coma is kind of a nice break.

THE EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY

Ryan: What do you wanna do now?
Seth: Oh, curl up in a fetus position and weep. Although perhaps the unborn baby metaphor—
Ryan: Not really appropriate.

Summer: How did I get here? How did I go from being an Ivy League Al Gore-in-the-making to a knocked up college drop out with a boyfriend that forgets to pack his toothbrush when he travels? How did this happen?
Taylor: You know what? It's a new year. We all get a fresh start. Okay? You and me and Seth and Ryan. We can all be whatever we want to be. And everything negative will be left in last year.

Zerk-nong: What's my name?
Slutty Alien: Zerknong.
Zerk-nong: Spell it.
Slutty Alien: Z-U—
Zerk-nong: E.
Slutty Alien: Oh. Z-E-R-K-N—
Zerk-nong: Hyphen.
Slutty Alien: Hyphen-N-O-N-G...

Taylor: If you're here for sex there's like five guys ahead of you.
Ryan: Okay, look I'm sorry that I jumped to conclusions tonight. But you can't be paranoid either about being divorced or any of it. It doesn't mean anything.
Taylor: So you don't think I'm a whore?
Ryan: No. No, of course not.
Taylor: Good. Because I'm not. Unless of course you want me to be.
Ryan: Is that my negligée?
Taylor: Um hm.
Ryan: Well I want that back.
Taylor: C'mon. Before I change my mind.
Ryan: Alright, but just to be clear—
Taylor: Everything but.

Summer: Is that gonna like squirt invisible ink or something?
Seth: No. But it will make you engaged.
Summer: What? Are you insane.
Seth: Possibly.

Julie: I'm not trading sex for silence, Frank. I may be a madame but I'm not a whore.
Frank: Good to know. But that's not why I brought you here.
Julie: It's not?
Frank: Sit down.
Julie: So why did you bring me here?
Frank: For information.
Julie: Information about what?
Frank: About the Cohen family.
Julie: Why?
Frank: Because I'm not who I say I am.
Julie: And who are you?
Frank: I'm Ryan's father.

MY TWO DADS

Taylor: You got engaged? Why didn't you say something sooner?
Summer: Denial.
Taylor: Hm. Romantic.

Ryan: So you asked her before you looked at the test?
Seth: I was trying to be a man. A plan with a fundamental conceptual flaw.

Seth: I feel good about this. I think a little long-term lifelong commitment is exactly what I needed.
Ryan: This is bad.
Seth: This is so bad.

Taylor: So what are you going to do? Level with him and tell him the truth?
Summer: Frak that. He wants a game of chicken he's gonna get it. I'm goin' Bridezilla on his ass.

Summer: Julie, I really appreciate you helping me by filling in for Rabbi Gunderman(?). But this just is not working.
Julie: Right. And whenever you want to let me know what "this" is I'm all ears. As much as I've enjoyed learning the Hebrew alphabet with you.

Julie: And now you don't want to call it off because you'll hurt his feelings. Summer shakes her head. Or because if you do he'll get the upperhand.
Summer: Exactly.
Julie: Now we're talking my kind of dating game.
Summer: Manipulating the opposite sex. God, Julie! Why didn't I come to you earlier?
Julie: Thank you, Summer.

Ryan: Dude, you can't bring an animal in here. What are you doing?
Seth: How dare you talk to your nephew that way. Don't listen to mean old Uncle Ryan, Pancakes. That's just the 'roids talking. They do make him huge, I know.
Ryan: Will you get him out of here please before he ends up in a quesadilla?

Frank: This oughta keep things straight with Gordon. I think you'll find these books are cooked so you can hide as much as you make.
Julie: Ah. The prostitution ring. No. After you busted me on New Years I decided to quit. It's hard out there for a pimp.

Seth: What are we watching?
Sandy: Well, it's about meerkats.
Seth: Meerkats. Why are we watching it?
Kirsten: Because I wanted to.
Sandy: And we don't want to get your mother angry. You haven't seen her right-cross.
Ryan: Yeah. Your dad's is pretty good though.
Seth: Well that makes sense. He was in a gang.
Kirsten: Don't remind me.
Seth: The Jets, is what I've heard.
Sandy: We robbed from the poor and gave to the poor.