The Curtains family is huge. They all have the same long thin nose - and the big loose jaw that seems to float around as though strangely disconnected. I suppose that's why they are known as "the dangling Curtains."

Charlie was the only member of the family I knew well. He'd often turn up at our Saturday night parties, usually uninvited. His round shiny face, little pink ears and beady eyes gave him the appearance of a leprechaun. But despite all these oddities Charlie was remarkably popular with the women - which only goes to show their lack of taste, because the rest of us were pretty handsome men.

Then I started to notice Charlie was spending a lot of time near my wife, Esmerelda, whilst all the real men were at their proper place near the keg. I became very suspicious. Then at the pub a few weeks ago "One-eye" Hawke took me aside. He's renowned for making full use of his good eye. 'I'm afraid I've rotten news for ya, mate. Me informants declare your missus and Charlie Curtains are an item.'

Well, leaving my pint behind I sped home and dragged Esmerelda into the front seat of the Holden. 'Important business,' I explained as we raced to Charlie's home. The whole family was there so I had to part all these Curtains until I finally located Charlie and forced him outside. With Esmerelda bawling her eyes out, Charlie admitted they'd been up to a bit of nonsense. And that's when I lost it . 'You conniving little bastard, if I find out you've been near my bride again then for you it is...'

'No, no,' Charlie screamed, 'please don't use the "c" word again. If I hear it one more time I'll explode.'

Anyhow, Charlie promised to be a good lad and, because Esmerelda is pretty useful around the house, I gave her another chance. But it didn't work. Last week she left me to shack up with Charlie. As she was getting into the taxi she patted me on the shoulder and said, 'Sorry, luv, but I reckon it was inevitable - with my maiden name of Railing.' And with that she drew a final curtain across our marriage.

Ross Duffy

meet Ross Duffy