Something died again today. {070405, 1255}

Its already April, and believe it or not, im graduating in less than a month. At the same time, there really is nothing to be excited about because this also means that I have less than a month to finish my final major, along with some other stupid time-sucking projects, most of which I have barely started on. Either way, I think that all this last minute bullshit has become nothing new to me.

Anyway, when the time comes (and surely in due time), my stress will be eleviated and reality will deal a hard punch to the face, because along with all the shitty things we hate about school also leaves the good memories and the wonderful friends and companions. Just like when your stinky little pet hamster dies on you or a close friend leaves for a faraway country.

The realisation comes a little slowly than others, that whatever we had in school has now departed and now, you're just a sad lonely fool with no friends, or the ex-ones who don't give a hoot about what you're doing today. It's as if... something had died - and all you have left are the memories of what had happened - and only the memories matter, because you really don't want to have to deal with having to meet up with those old friends again and having that awkward 'so how's so and so doing... who else did we miss out??' talk.

This time when I graduate, I hope that I never lose contact with any of the lovely friends that I made during this short year at school. Then again - there's no kidding me, that once its over, something else would have died again. Just as poly had died on me, and secondary and primary school as well. All I'd have left is once again the memories and myself, the sad, lonely, friendless fool.

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The guilt conscience. {070405, 1255}

The other day, after the strangest dream about bumping into my ex boss on the streets, I woke up in cold sweat and decidedly proceeded to unblock the two of them from my msn. Finally, after months of avoiding them, my guilt conscience has caught up with me. I have never thought that I was ever bothered by my actions, but i suppose my subconscious thought otherwise.

Over the course of this disappearing act I suppose I've learnt a lot more. Sometimes, it's easier to face up to the music, no matter how much shit you know is headed your way. Okay, so I skipped class today because I haven't done anything over the weekend, but that's not the point. Learn to live up, learn to face people and say no. It took me quite a while, sometimes I wonder how a girl like me who scores for tests and strives to do best for everything does such a shit job at managing herself. But nevertheless, I guess I've learnt - the hard way.

I was talking to a classmate the other day - she was my roommate while we were in Uk. She says it's amazing how well I tolerate people. Tolerating people - well that's my strength and my weakness, because I even tolerate the shitty people who don't deserve to be tolerated. Time to stop that nonsense.

Anyway, it finally dawned on me that day that it was time for me to face up to the music, to stop avoiding and start saying 'no' when I want to say no, and not get myself into shit before realising I should have done that. So that's why I finally unblocked my two ex-bosses from msn. It ended off pretty well I must say, my lady ex-boss finally msged me on msn, and we had a nice chat (the awkward ''where the fuck did you go' never came into the picture), she said business is doing great and all that shit. And she asked me if i was interested in working for them again once I graduate.

"Well, not to worry, C***** is definitely high up on my list!" I chuckled, awkwardly.

"Haha, good to know", she said.

And that's how the conversation ended. Telling the truth is really not as hard as it seems - especially so if you can add a little twist to it first, like I did.

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No one reads this anymore. {010205, 1640}

Of all the nerve.

It's a Wednesday today, a so-called extended holiday for me from Chinese New year, yet dutifully wasted on doing unnecessary things for school. First, its the idiotic e-invite and poster for a coming exhibition that I was "volunteered" in-charge of for designing, then now, someone else must send me another heart-wrenching email with more things to cramp up my already cramped-up day.

The horror, when I found out that I had now been placed in-charge of writing the welcome message from the dean himself. Yes, gasp all you can, because the message we have all so wittingly ignored in the first few pages of the school's graduation catalogue has all along been a sham! So shamelessly proclaimed by the insincere bloodsucking dean as his own, yet, written by airheaded 20 to 20-something year olds like myself. That same person whom I smile at when I see in school, the one with the friendly face and a cheerful stride - A LIAR. I should have seen it coming.

Why bother, I say. No one reads the damn thing anyway. Now, he has imparted his burden upon me, the very one that people like us has never given a damn about or thought twice about reading. I have to write a glorious message in his name - my article will have a picture of his smiling face and his proud title of dean - whereas he has never given a single thought to the words written, not a single drop of sweat or a gist of sincerity, BECAUSE I WROTE IT YOU SELFISH PRICK, every single fricking word by word by word.

He doesn't deserve a page for doing nothing. Give me that page. IT'S MINE.

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Goodbye Ang moh land. {030105, 2220}

Life has moved on, things have changed - we've all come to a stage where the year has passed quickly and the few people who used to frequent your so-called 'lame-o-blog', yes you the one reading this, has slowly drifted away to better, frequently updated blogs, much like the way friendship with old companions has started to fade in life. So I am bitter.

Back to school again. Everyone of us are ironically missing those round-bellied ang mohs who pushes us around on the streets and views us as the stereotypical 'chinese people' - no matter how Malay you look, Malay = asian = chinese - To them, I am simply part of the group of a couple-ay-crayzy-chinese-people. Yes, we miss it all - the awful cold, the triple times currency, the shitty food... and the list never ends.

Anywhoo. Somehow now that I'm back I no longer feel intimidated by them, maybe because its so much easier to think you are the smart one when they're not in the picture. Unfortunately, the cheesy "somewhere I belong" crap is starting to take a lot more sense for me. And alas, as I am writing this, that creepy song is slowly gnawing into the insides of my brain like a flesh-eating disease.

Consider these:

- Over here, there are no smart mouth ang mohs to force you to consider the fact that you are actually dumb. Yes, for once, you can actually BELIEVE that you are really smart in the comforts of your own home!

- Everyone here wears shitty clothes so you get away with wearing shitty clothes yourself.

- I once never knew that winter clothing had to be fashionable.! To me, winter clothes = fricking winter clothes. To them, winter clothes = hot babe. Remind me never to wear whatever I wore back there ever again.

- I no longer have to survive on shitty lunches ever again. NO MORE COLD SANDWICHES FOR ME, EVER. That shit is just not edible. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

- Stereotypically, people here are rude and brash; they cut queues, don't say their 'please's or 'thank you's, push you to get onto the bus, talk loudly and unethically, gorge at food with their bare unwashed hands, don't offer the seat to pregnant ladies or old people whos hips may crumble at any given time - Some things maybe not the way I like it best, but perhaps the very things I've gotten accustomed to after years of taking the sloth and torture in the slates of this hell-hole.

For all those reasons, that is why I choose to live here. In this LOVELY (very very loosely), concrete-jungle of a place with scorching sun all year round called home. I wouldn't consider moving anywhere else in the world, ever.

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Time. {171205, 0051}

I wondered for a month how nice home would be, then now I wish I hadn't spent all that time pondering.

(Copyright of me, you asshole. )

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Swoosh! {250905, 1741}

Time is swooshing past, lots of things to do, many things have changed, many more needs to be changed. Yes yes, I know I have not updated for months. MONTHS! That is because I have been completely absorbed into school, work, money and many other crappy things that life has in store for all of us. Maybe absorbed is not the most accurate word; I would say sucked or devoured, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Anyway, I think the least awkward way to start off would be by keeping all of you, or one or two of you, my dying audience, updated!

UPDATES UPDATES UPDATES (A rushed one)!

Okay, let's start off with the most obvious thing in my life right now. SCHOOL.

~ School sucks.

~ School is nothing like what I envisioned it to be in my dreams (while I was still working) - white pure heavenly space with beautiful angels singing in the background...

~ I have no time to cut my toenails

~ I have a deadline tomorrow and assessment for all 7 projects on thursday, 3 of which I have yet to touch, let alone complete.

~ I will be going to uk on the 12th of november, and arriving back in singapore on the 9th of december.

~ Everyone in school is hyped up about the trip but I don't fricking see why the hell they should be so excited about. CALM DOWN MORONS. SPONSOR MY TRIP THEN I'LL BE EXCITED.

~ I STILL NEED MONEY.

Work.

~ I have promised my boss to work freelance and part time for him till I go for my trip in november.

~ He gave me too much work to do.

~ Now, I'm avoiding his calls! O'oh.

Life.

~ Life sucks.

~ I'm broke.

~ I have not had Fish & Co for ages.

~ And yes, YOU STILL SUCK.

Okay, that is all for now. I promise I'll be back with more. EVENTUALLY.

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I Piss Myself Off. {030805, 1512}

I've been meaning to get a new phone for ages. Preferrably something nice and stylish to replace the stinky old phone I've been using for close to 2 years alrd. The speaker is fucked and I have had to use the damn hands-free, and it now plays KOOL animations on the screen - something like inverted + upside down inbox and KOOL funky horizontal lines. Ironically the exterior looks almost brand new, only a couple of mini scratches here and there.

Anyway, I've been pissing myself off trying to get the ideal phone for myself, me, being the same old perfectionist me. Changed my mind a couple of times, been really fussy and whiney about what to get and what not to get. Along the process, I get really turned off by myself - something like I really don't get what's the fricking point of fussing over material objects. That's when I would then change my mind about buying it completely, turn over, see my miserable phone sitting by the table staring at me coldly, wires entangled like giant tentacles waiting to lash at me and eat me alive, and I sigh, and start whining and trying to find a new phone all over again. THE HORROR.

So I finally have had enough of this bullshit I've been piling onto myself. Within this week, I will get a new phone, that something new, that something stylish to put an end to my handphone nightmare misery. Then, I will skip to the bin, drop in the old one idly, and quite possibly start whining about something else.

Being broke.

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Mortifying facts. {270705, 1540}

Ever since the start of school my room has been in a sorry state of neglect. If you think work sucks, think again, then shut up. School is pretty horrific too, TRUST ME.

Had a recent project that has got to do with kitchen sponges. Apparently i landed myself with the damn sponge out of sheer bad shopping judgement (we were supposed to buy anything), but I shan't talk about that coz everyone else has worse products than me. Anyway, so. We were to transform the product we bought into something else. Say an advertising campaign, or another product altogether, or some shit like that.

As I continued on with doing my research, I was reminded of a few daunting realities of the sponge. My online research went on and on about how the sponge harboured EVIL bacteria and viruses and explained in depth the disgusting details that a kitchen sponge could possibly be.

Now. I'm a clean freak, and we all know that already. When i see the sponge sitting around in my kitchen now, i imagine mountains of evil looking bacteria and decomposing food bursting out of its surface and contaminating everything in its path. That was how I came to the conclusion that I will be using the sponge as a catalyst for teaching small little children how to be creative. Children deserve to learn it the hard way. *evil grin*.

Anyway, I have this problem of attracting tons of mosquitoes. My arms and legs would all be covered by mosquito bites should I go anywhere, and I mean anywhere. I just read something comforting today about the reason why mosquitoes are attracted to me. No, it's not because I've got sweet blood, or because they find me cute.

According to the book, here are the main reasons why mosquitoes are attracted to me:

1. Colour - they're mostly attracted to the colour blue, particularly dark blue, unless its dark, then they probably cant tell what damn colour you're wearing. I get attacked even when I'm not wearing blue, so this is not so relevant to me.

2. Shape - Fat, large people with large surface area of skin. Sigh.

3. Movement - Fidgety people who can't stop moving.

4. The amount of carbon dioxide you emit. - This explains the shape and movement bit. Apparently the larger you are and the more you fidget, the more carbon dioxide you emit. Meaning, I EMIT A LOT OF CARBON DIOXIDE. SOUNDS GROSS.

Sigh. That's all.

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Dumb Student. {110705, 2128}

Being back to school wasn't exactly what I pictured it to be. I am officially surrounded by losers who have only one thing on their minds - being the fucking best. It's tiresome. It's only the first day.

My class consists of all sorts of people. The nice people, the fake people, the i-wish-they'd-shut-up-coz-i-don't-get-your-joke people, and then there's also the i-have-something-up-my-sleeve-but-i-won't-go-there-yet people and the i'm-too-cool-for-you people. Same kind of breed of people we've had through the years of education that we've gone through so far. The nerd who looks just like the nerd we had back in poly and the ah-lian who looks just like the smart-mouth bitch you had in secondary school. God is running out of faces to create.

I guess one outstanding similarity I can point out up to date is the constant urge to boast about one's abilities. They're all waiting for the opportunity to show off their work and 10 page resumes. All anticipating the moment where the lecturer asks to see our old work - and when he finally does ask to see it the next day, you can almost see that sinister satisfied smirk on everyone's faces. All so proud. All so eager to compete, and to let everyone else know how good they are. All oblivous that they actually suck a whole lot of mean ass.

A pretty straightforward first impression. Let's just hold on tight and see where this mean ride will take me.

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Unshackled. {040705, 1345}

IM FREE! I am. I'm bitter, but I'm free. I only have one week, BUT IM STILL GODDAMNED FREE! I love it. What was it that I love doing again? Oh yeah, being free. If that includes bumming around at home and doing nothing, being bored of my freaking wits, actually having PLENTY of time suddenly to sit around by my best friend the computer and updating this thing. I think that pretty much explains a lot.

That is right, as all of you know (you don't? Ah, fuck you.), I am officially resigned from my job, incomeless and VERRY bitter for not getting a bonus before I left. ONE GODDAMNED YEAR ++ WITH YOU GODDAMNED MUTHAFUCKAS AND STILL NO GODDAMNED BONUS?? I HATE YOU. I had shut the office door behind me and barely left with a smile. In fact, I sniffled, pouted my lips, then left, very very angry and disappointed, right before slamming the door against the cats. Then I swore never to return there ever again.

So, this leaves me to 2 days before orientation (which is on weds), and a full week before school starts. I am not at all excited - in fact, I am very worried thinking about how I have to start over again in school - just as I thought it was all over goddamit. And then, I am also worried about how school will be draining my resources through large expenses, or as I prefer to explain in layman terms, BLOODSUCKING MY MONEY DRY. I don't know if I'll have enough money. I'm at a very broke corner, people.

My dad says that we can probably get by, and I know what that means. It means that if we do not have enough money, I will simply have to sell my bed and sleep on the floor with the lovely dustmites, or heck, even more simply, sell the house and sleep with the cockroaches in the dump. OKAY SO IM PARANOID. Let's just see how it goes from here.

To end off away from the paranoia, here's a list of things I will miss at work:

-

oh yeah, and not forgetting

-

And that is the end. Goodbye, ugly muthafucka.

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