Newsbleat

Invernessians love their art.

There’s the M&S Unicorn Goth Hub, the earthquake-style Virtues in Church Street and coloured lights under the Ness Bridge.

It’s a virtual renaissance.

Now there are plans for artwork to adorn the front of the Ramada Jarvis hotel to make it look a bit less, erm, awful.

The £70,000 project will involve either multi-media, digital technology or sculpture and textiles.

Oh yes, the Ramada will be transformed by having a bit of carpet or a big screen TV glued to the front of it.

Come on guys, knock it down.

Use the space for public gardens leading down to the Ness.

And build a decent non-Soviet-bleakness-style hotel along the river at the old swimming baths site, which seems to have been a builder’s dump for about 15 years now.

Poop poop!

The practice of emptying human excrement on the tracks at Inverness railway station is to come to end this month with the completion of £1.3million toilet upgrade.

Older trains, used on lines to the north, didn’t have retention tanks.

Given it’s taken till the year 2008 for dumping of crap in the middle of the station to stop, who knows when we can expect such luxuries as:

A station roof that doesn’t leak.

A station café that doesn’t feel like the waiting room to hell.

A train into Inverness from the east arriving earlier than 7.40am. Some of us do have work to do you know.

A train from Inverness to the east leaving later than 9.20pm. (Yes, bizarrely, if you live outside the throbbing metropolis you have to cut short your evening at the cinema/pub/club but Invernessians can jive till quarter to midnight in Nairn and catch a train home.)

Station entrances not festooned with chain-smokers. Welcome to the Highlands. Sorry about the phlegm.

And, the ultimate luxury, no drink on the trains. If we’re serious as a nation about stopping binge drinking, why do we have those trolleys of booze and why do we allow lager-quaffing roughnecks and alcopop-necking hen parties to turn train carriages (public spaces) into cackle and swear swamped torture chambers?

Newsbleat is tickled by Tilda Swinton’s forthcoming film festival.

The Oscar-winning actress, who lives in Nairn, has rented the old bingo hall on the High Street next to the bookshop and plans to screen some of her favourite films there between 15 and 23 August.

The festival will be called the Ballerina Ballroom Cinema of Dreams, after the original name of the venue where The Who and the Beatles apparently played in days of yore.

Exact details have yet to be publicised but it’s understood the entry fee will be home baking.

We hope the following Nairn-themed films are screened:

Star Wars V (The Ashers Edit), aka The Empire Biscuit Strikes Back

The Beach, obviously

A River Runs Through It

Lord of the Rings (In which Frodo and Co have to destroy the ring by throwing it into the fires of Cawdor)

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie Countryfare

The power struggle at Glenurquhart Road has created a new frenzy among Highland councillors - over job titles.

Now that the SNP has quit the administration, the independents are forming an alliance with eager Libdem and Labour members.

Part of their power-sharing agreement seems to be fancy titles for their business cards.

Hirsute healthcare practitioner Michael Foxley is to become Convener Sandy Park’s ’business partner’…

Mr Cromarty, David Alston, is to be crowned some sort of finance czar…

And fabrication yard veteran Jimmy Gray looks set to inherit the Inverness Provost’s chain and ermine robe for no good reason.

To ensure jobs for everyone, Newsbleat suggests the following offices be created and has some ideas for who could occupy them:

Webmaster - Bill Fernie (He did set up the excellent Caithness.org site)

Head Gardener - Margaret Davidson

Cultural ambassador - Roddy Balfour

Head gamekeeper - Jim Crawford

Bellydancer in Chief - Liz Macdonald

An Inverness institution could soon be at an end.

The ramshackle collection of cars for sale outside PC World on Telford Street has been the subject of a crackdown by trading standards.

Earlier this month 30 cars were for sale there.

The worry is that dealers are posing as private sellers to offload dodgy vehicles.

While Newsbleat applauds the efforts of the authorities to protect the public, it makes us wonder what other Inverness institutions are at risk…

The Bang On Boogie Man Band Busker in the High Street - Concerns over noise levels and bum notes in his rendition of Brown Eyed Girl could lead to his snare being muffled.

The former Safeway site on Millburn Road next to the Thistle Hotel - Fears are growing that this iconic eyesore will give way to shops or flats.

The bouncy Greig Street footbridge - Clearly an accident waiting to happen. And with the circus due in town, all it will take is one curious clown on a pogo stick…

A ‘wheely’ good idea to get Highlanders out of their cars seems to need a bit of a push.

Apparently only three people are regularly using the Re-cycle scheme which offers a total of 24 free bikes for commuters to take from the Rose Street car park in the city centre.

Ironic really.

The growth of the Highland Capital is largely due to people choosing to live here because of the quality of the environment but it’s this environment that is being put at risk because the increasing population feels it has no option but to use cars to get between home, work, schools and shops.

Planners need to get serious about this, insisting any new housing developments contain local shops and amenities with good networks of paths, cycle tracks and easy access to buses and trains.

Meantime Newsbleat suggests an alternative commuter scheme to slowly wean Highlanders off their addiction to cars - Flintstones vehicles.

All the convenience and familiarity of being behind the wheel but no pollution and your feet get a bit of exercise!

Yabba dabba doo.

Newsbleat condemns the latest speeder on the A96 but has to admit to a certain amount of envy.

The offshore worker was fined £750 and banned from driving for a year after being caught doing at least 127mph between Forres and Elgin.

The mild envy stems from the fact that when your Newsbleat correspondent uses the A96 there’s always some boy on a tractor forcing everyone to putter along in second gear.

Maybe this ‘offshore worker‘ had access to the ultimate classified document - A96 tractor movements.

Highland Council is under pressure to show some ambition when it comes to its £6million plans for flood defence walls down the banks of the River Ness in Inverness city centre.

The walls are set to range from three to four feet in height and will weave their way round existing trees.

Given the picture-postcard prettiness of the river and the popularity of the grassy banks on sunny days, this proposal sounds uglier than a singles night in Smithton.

One suggestion is for the walls to hold a promenade with decking and seating areas beside the Ness.

Newsbleat thinks the council should go further and either:

Make the walls out of Perspex. During high water levels we’d be able to watch fish, bicycles and other river dwellers bob by.

Or

Get rid of the tarmac roads either side of the river and plant these areas with grass, nature’s sponge. Then we would have wide riverside avenues free from traffic, noise and pollution where we can stroll and picnic in good weather, and if the Ness bursts its banks, the grass gets a bit wet for a few hours. Or is that too simple a solution?

If it’s sophisticated café culture you’re after, never mind Paris or Milan - set coordinates for Inverness, Scotland.

A planning application for a European-style café in Falcon Square with open air seating has been submitted to Highland Council by the owners of the Eastgate Centre.

Jackie Cuddy, the centre’s manager, said: "A glass fronted café will improve the atmosphere and increase footfall in the square. It will also enhance the appeal of the city centre – people will be able to relax with a cup of coffee and watch the world go by, just as they do in many other European cities.”

Firstly, how do you increase footfall by taking up space in an already tiny area?

And secondly: ‘watch the world go by‘?

Ah yes, the appeal of lingering at the bus stop with a latte while the number 2A idles waiting on a drunk guy counting out the exact change. And once this magnificent chariot departs you have the panoramic vista of the outside wall of Marks and Spencer to drink in.

Of course, Newsbleat is being unfair.

Café-goers could look the other way and be warmed by the sight of a swarm of emos under the unicorn statue while the gentle strains of ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ waft from the speaker on the wall outside the Filling Station.

Garcon, un autre café si vous plait…

Business leaders are apparently worried at the number of vacant shop units in Inverness city centre.

Hardly surprising when you consider the high business rates, ongoing bus route chaos, Tescos with everything under one roof, and the fact that people are lazy and don’t like waddling more than a few steps from their car to the check out.

The locations with most properties for let are Church Street with eight vacant units, Academy Street with seven and the Eastgate Shopping Centre with six.

But Newsbleat believes it has the answer.

Inverness needs to get back to its roots.

Never mind Starbucks and ‘exciting’ branches of HSBC, what the Highland Capital needs is…

1. A decent record shop. In fact, any record shop. Even Record Rendezvous with its sinister collection of flute band cassettes was better than HMV whose idea of a jazz section seems to be a couple of Nina Simone compilations.

2. A green grocer! No wonder Invernessians look so peely wally. There’s no-where in the city centre other than M&S you can buy a satsuma for crying out loud.

3. Retro is good. Bring back Littlewoods and Melven’s. Beige slacks, a depressing Neil Gunn novel and a packet of Monster Munch. What more could you ask for?

Clearly a magazine of taste, this month’s Inverness City Advertiser gives Newsbleat a plug full of praise.

Thanks guys.

This month’s Advertiser also contains details of the recent ICA Awards.

The categories are pretty straightforward, so to spice things up Newsbleat helpfully suggests the following for next year:

Best Free Bread In A Restaurant - The Kitchen. You get a wee chopping board, bread knife and everything.

Pub With Wonkiest Furniture - Hootananny. Sitting down is like a form of Russian roulette.

Best Carrot Cake - MacLean’s Bakers in Nairn and Forres. Moist would be an understatement.

Best Local Personality - The woman who does the tannoy announcements in the Eastgate Centre. Remember, heelies are not permitted.

Best Stall At The Farmers’ Market - The French Gateaux People. Eclairly the best.

Venue Whose Sign Should Revolve Like Bond’s Number Plates - Diablos Cantinas, The Gate or whatever it‘s called this week.

And finally…

The Newsbleat Dead End Award - To be shared jointly between Portmahomack, Cromarty and Findhorn. In special recognition of the fact these places aren’t on the way to anywhere but make the journey worthwhile.

This week sees a Highland Council planning meeting to decide whether a retail development including a large Sainsbury’s supermarket gets the go-ahead for Balmakeith on the eastern edge of Nairn.

The land isn’t zoned for such a development, so planners are recommending refusal.

But various voices, including at least one local councillor, are calling for permission to be granted.

Apparently a Sainsbury’s will stop Nairnites driving to Inverness or Forres for their messages.

That’s probably right enough.

However, Newsbleat believes it would seriously dent the town centre and its range of independent shops.

An ’everything under one roof’ supermarket at Balmakeith won’t complement the High Street; it’ll directly compete with it.

If Sainsbury’s were proposing to set up shop opposite Somerfield at the bus station (where a Lidl was recently mooted), or if the Council were promoting Balmakeith as an alternative High Street for independent retailers to cater for the growth of Nairn, then we’d be talking about healthy and fair competition.

Almost certainly the politicians will buckle and soon Nairn could be just like Inverness and other soulless towns in Scotland: by-passed with roundabouts and retail parks.

One of the biggest names in hip-hop is heading for da Highlands this summer.

Dizzee Rascal, real name Dylan Mills, plays Inverness's Ironworks on 20 August.

In 2003 aged just 19 he won the Mercury Prize for his debut album "Boy in da Corner".

Newsbleat thinks this is cooler than a polar bear’s toenails and points out the Highlands has a rich hip-hop heritage.

Who can forget ‘The Message’ by Grandmaster Flash and the Findhorn Five, all about the struggles of living in a hippy commune: “It’s like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under…”

Then of course The Beastie Boys did that great Invernessian anthem, “Fight For Your Right Enough.”

And Busta Rhymes’ real name is Busta Farraline Park.

Word.

A fly in a frozen baguette…

Curry that seemed to contain soap…

And ‘unusual tasting’ lemonade.

More than 160 food hygiene complaints were investigated by Highland Council officials last year.

Newsbleat is of the opinion we enjoy a high standard of cleanliness in our restaurants; it’s the famed ‘Highland hospitality’ that needs to be tackled:

“I know the sign says 5pm but we actually send the chef home at 4.”

“No I can’t do you an ice cream. I’ve just washed the spoon.”

“Please don’t sit there. I’ve already hoovered.”

“Would you like milk with your camomile tea?”

“There’s hot food in these hot serving dishes. I’ve no idea how you lift the lids off without burning yourself. Can I get you some more toast?”

600 people have apparently signed a petition opposing the Northern Meeting Park in Inverness as the location for a multi-million pounds Museum and Art Gallery.

The petition organisers claim the park was sold to Highland Council so that it could be used by the people of Inverness for recreation.

They say they’re not against a museum and art gallery.

Good.

Newsbleat is backing their bid to retain a valuable green space so close to the city centre and hopes the focus now shifts to one of the other sites mooted - Castle Street.

Building an art gallery on the ugly car park behind the Town House would be a double victory - yes, a great facility and attraction the city deserves but it would also deprive neds of a place to rev their engines while waiting for burds to emerge from the former Mr G’s.

In fact, we can imagine the scene: a late night exhibition has just finished - worthies in chinos having had a few glasses of wine spill out onto Castle Street and make a bee line for McDonalds to jostle for a big mac.

Talk about a multi-cultural society.

It seems the Loch Ness Monster has been hijacked by the Swiss in a bid to boost visitors to the cuckoo clock creating country.

A new tourism brochure features a beast suspiciously similar to Nessie swimming across Lake Lucerne.

As much as we love Nessie and the coach loads of white haired pensioners and camera wielding tourists who stand in the middle of the A82, Newsbleat believes we should seize the opportunity and offer to do a swap - the Swiss can keep our monster if we can have their chocolate.

We could rename Loch Ness Loch Nestle and have Dores beach made entirely out of praline shells. Mmm…

There are plenty of lobster-coloured prats on the streets of the Highlands at the moment thanks to the heatwave.

The Met Office says Inverness was the hottest place in the UK yesterday, at 25 degC - hotter than Cape Town and Casablanca.

Suffering the effects of too much sun, Newsbleat is imagining the Highland Capital as the setting for the classic Humphrey Bogart film…

Rick (played by suave Kim the Busker) says: ‘Of all the gin joints, in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into Chili Palmers, or the Room or whatever it’s called these days…’

Ilsa (played by ice cool Nancy of the Victorian Market joke shop) says: ‘Let’s see, the last time we met was the day the Germans marched into town and set up a sauerkraut stall in the continental market…’

Captain Renault (played by that master of comic timing Tich McCooey) says: ‘I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here! Unplug that puggy!’

Dingwall.

County town of Ross-shire, home of possibly the world’s last Wimpy burger bar, and now - it seems - the gateway to space and time.

Some lamp-posts are being replaced on the High Street.

Local councillor, the indefatigable Margaret Paterson, has said: “The new lights will light up this area of the town..” (Er, you‘d hope so.)

But she added that they would give Dingwall “a new dimension".

Newsbleat can only imagine this means the beams of light will act as teleport devices.

Expect quite a queue as gadgies jostle for a quantum leap out of their 1970s time warp.