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Why My Child? From a Mother of a Rape Victim
I got to my daughter's apartment not long after the call, but it seemed like an eternity to get to her. I got there to find out that my child had been raped, that someone thought they had the right to break into her home while she was sleeping and violate her. I saw my daughter's face, eyes that looked so different, so desperate and swollen from crying, bruises, and scratches all over her.
At that moment it felt like something had just crashed down on me, I felt smothered, it felt like slow motion, disbelief, confusion, and then I heard a voice in my head telling me to get it together, your daughter needs you, you have to be strong, if you're feeling this way...imagine how she's feeling! I got myself together, I had to be there for her.
The whole day was a blurr, I could hear everyone talking around me, I was with her as they checked her out in the hospital, I heard the nurses talking, the detective talking to me....it all felt like a dream, a very bad dream....like it was distant, I could hear their voices but it sounded like an echo, distant. This couldn't have happened to my child, this only happens to other people. The next few days were the same, they felt kind of blurry. Then the anger set in, I felt true hate for the first time in my life. I had disliked people before, but never truly from the depths of my soul had I ever hated someone. I hated him for that too.
I hated him for what he took from my daughter, her world would never be the same again and I couldn't do anything about it. My husband and I felt so helpless. Her rapist wasn't caught. She never got that closure; none of us ever got to face him. There was DNA, but he wasn't in the system. There had been another rape two weeks before, the same DNA as my daughter's rapist.
The hate was just consuming me. I knew I had to find it in myself to forgive him. I didn't know how was going to do this, but then I heard another voice say, "Pray for him, you can't hate someone you're praying for." And then I thought, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I had to forgive and pray for him before I could be any good for anyone or anything, and my daughter needed me.
There's no right or wrong, every victim in their own way and time. I am only writing from a mother's point of view, I can't understand what the victim feels. I can only understand the pain and suffering the parent feels. I cried a lot, I just didn't let her see me or hear me, I still cry at times. I know that parents can blame themselves as well; it's not our fault either. I would ask, "why her instead of me, why did she have to go through this?", we can't dwell on that either. I do know that God has a plan, and for some reason my daughter went through this, for some reason I am the mother of a rape victim. In her time she will have something to offer, she will do good...she is so amazing and strong.
She inspires me, and I'm so proud of her. I have something to offer as well, God is just now leading me to speak out, to get involved, to help those that don't have a voice. God Bless all victims, I pray for you. Take care of yourselves, be good to yourselves, don't let anyone tell you that you have to let go, that you have to move on now, that you have to forget, that you should keep it to yourself. You do what you need to heal. In your time, your way.....just make sure you talk to someone, don't keep it in. And remember that it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. You are beautiful, you are strong, and together we can all get through it.
By Cathy Parson
Rape is an Act of Violence
It is all about control. Gratification for the rapist is short-lived. This is the reason he is constantly seeking a victim. This will continue until he is caught.
The rapist doesn’t care about the victim’s age, pretty or not, sexy or not, woman or child. His only goal is to satisfy the urge
he has to control, to intimidate, and use his victim for his own gratification.
A rapist has all kinds of faces. He can be a neighbor, a boyfriend, a church member, a teacher, or a relative. He can be anyone.
Women do not always pay attention to their surroundings.
By nature, we are trusting. This does not mean that we deserve to be raped. No one deserves this. Once this happens to you, it is something you will never forget. It will be with you for the rest of your life. Always keep in mind that you are the victim.
You will find that some people do not take rape seriously. “It’s just sex,” they say. NO-it is an act of violence and control
and it remains in the heart of the victim forever.
A woman who has been raped has a tendency to keep it hid. She worries about what people think or will say. This is the biggest lie she tells herself, so she keeps it hid. You must have the courage to report this invasion. You will find there are people who will help you, comfort you, and care for you. It is healing to talk about it, to cry, and to share. A lot of victims blame themselves. “If I hadn’t done this, or wore this dress, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.” This is mistake number one.
Mistake number two is thinking you can deal with this yourself. You will need help. Sharing is healing. You will gain strength and courage, and soon you will be able to help other rape victims. Rape is an act of violence where the rapist enjoys power and control over his victim. It has nothing to do with sex.
It is all about control. The rapist seeks gratification, which doesn’t last very long, so he is constantly seeking other victims. Report your rape immediately. Seek medical attention to help prevent pregnancy, to be tested for transmitted infections and injuries. Do not shower or change your clothing.
Remember, you are the victim. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Eventually, you can turn your pain and fear into something good by helping other victims.
Judy Parsons
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Stacey A. Branchini
co-founded It Happened to Alexa Foundation after her daughter was brutally raped. They provide women who have been victims of rape or sexual assault with limited amount of financial assistance to defray costs of transportation and housing, in order that the family may attend and take part in the criminal justice proceedings and support the victim at this most difficult time. They want to encourage sexual assault victims to report to law enforcement and promote effective prosecution of sex crimes.
What Should I Do/Expect as a Rape Survivor or Support Person?
- What is the legal definition of rape?
- What is the best course of action immediately after someone is raped?
- If she decides not to report to police, should a rape victim still go to the hospital?
- Are there other legal avenues available to the rape victim besides criminal prosecution?
- He's out on bail and I'm afraid, what can I do?
- She's not acting like I would expect a rape victim to act. Is that unusual?
- How do I know what she's feeling?
- Why is family so important to a rape victim?
- What can I do to support her?
- How long will it take for her to recover?
- What should I avoid doing or saying?
- I think she needs counseling, but she rejects the suggestion, what can I do?
- What other financial resources are available to victims?
It Happened to Alexa Foundation's provenance is a brutal one. In the fall of 1999, Tom and Stacey Branchini drove their daughter, Alexa, from Lewiston to Boston, where she would be starting school at Boston University. Ten days later they received a call telling them that Alexa had been raped and was recovering in a hospital in Boston. The perpetrator had been apprehended, and a trial was impending.
Photo by Linda E. Gellman
Alexa’s trial was exceedingly difficult and drawn-out, explains Executive Director Ellen Augellos, involving as it did rigorous cross-examinations and accusations that it had been consensual sex instead of rape.
“But she remained strong and determined,” Augellos says, “knowing that she had her parents’ love and support backing her.”
After 18 grueling months, the trial finally got underway. It lasted for six weeks, during which time Alexa and her parents spent a total of 27 days in Boston. The trial resulted in Alexa’s attacker being sentenced to 40 to 45 years in prison.
It Happened to Alexa Foundation's was founded by the Branchini after Tom and Stacey considered two things:
- how important it was that they were able to be with Alexa during her emotionally taxing trial;
- and that their presence at the trial required more money than many families in similar circumstances can afford.
Resources for Internet Tracking
Child Predator Busters works with high profile criminal profilers investigating, researching and assisting law enforcement to acquire warrants for the arrest of child predators. CPB assists families as an advocate and educator, helping families through the court process. CPB also acts as an intermediary, speaking to child protection and law enforcement agencies on behalf of families and children. When possible, CPB assists children financially to replace items such as clothing and beds that they may have been used during victimization.
CPB also assists law enforcement with active investigations. Our reputation is such that several agencies now pay officers to work for Child Predator Busters.
CPB takes measures to ensure progress is being made on your behalf, to catch predators and keep children safe.
Child Predator Busters
158 S. 110th Street
Mesa, Arizona 85208
Phone: (480) 634-5300
Web: www.ChildPredatorBusters.org
E-mail: sher@childpredatorbusters.org
with leads we investigate,