Lavender Power is that Resilience You Have Inside

to thrive past the abuse of violence & Sex

"Get it Together" by India Arie

Recovery is Possible When You Actively Pursue It!
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Eating Disorders
Food Addictions & Anerxia

Substance Abuse Drugs & Alcohol
Relationships & Sex Addictions

Sex Industry  & Slavery, Trafficking
Self Harming Cutting & Self-Mutilation

 
 
 
 
 
Ricki Lake
Gets Real About
Her Weight Issues
 For years, Ricki Lake has been an open book about her weight issues, but she never really revealed why she had those issues, until now.

Ricki feels one of the reasons she gained so much weight was because she was sexually abused around the age of six.

 

She says, "I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and I think it contributed. Who knows for sure? I've done many years in therapy and worked on all my issues. I didn't talk about it for, like, 15 or 20 years; I didn't admit that it had happened to me because I wanted to kind of bury things.

"It, in some way, made me who I am today... I don't want to be a poster child for this at all but it's very weird thing for children when they're violated in that way. Food became a comfort to me; it was my kind of security blanket."

Speaking exclusively to "Access Hollywood," Lake admitted she never confronted her abuser when she eventually told her parents of the abuse - but the person was "quickly removed" from her life. 

 
 
 
 
As people who have been where you are and understand your confusion, feelings and pain, we desire to help victims of clergy sexual abuse and misconduct and their families by making information readily available to them. We are available to provide encouragement, support via email, written correspondence, phone and conferences.
A ministry of compassion providing support, hope and encouragement for victims of clergy sexual abuse and misconduct.
 
Clergy sexual abuse and misconduct (including spiritual abuse) is wrong. It is the pastor’s (or any other person in the role of authority) responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries.
 It is our mission and prayer that through this web site, you will find answers and the truth about what’s happening to you.  
This site is for those who desire to receive true healing—spiritual, emotional and physical—from the devastation of clergy sexual abuse. True healing comes from God alone, through the power of His Word, alone.

  We take a faith-based, Scriptural approach to helping victims understand the devastation of clergy sexual abuse and how they can receive healing and wholeness by God’s grace.

   The information in this site is written from a Christian perspective and contains quotes from both Christian and secular writers (where they align themselves with the Word of God). 
We encourage you to please continue reading this article. 
 
 

 
 
 
 
The most important thing I ever learned was the sexual abuse was not my fault
 
 It was not an easy lesson to learn but for me, it was a milestone that changed my life forever. 
     I learned that the abuse was more about power, than it was about the sexual act itself.  Though that does not minimize the memories of the abuse, it has given me better peace of mind.
     As an adult, I entered into three marriages all of which ended due to domestic violence.   I am quite sure my choices were directly due to the incest I grew up around.  It has been ten years since the last time anyone ever laid an angry hand on me or verbally abused me.  The power I gained from going to enablers meetings, is where I learned about, Act and React.
 
 
 
 
 I thank God for giving me the strength to attend all those meetings and for finally letting it sink in. 
 
I stopped reacting to my husband's acting out and in less than a week I realized that I was stronger than I'd ever known possible.  
   I walked away from my last marriage which was the most violent of the three.  I left, knowing that I would have rough times ahead but also knowing that I had survived and could then start to work on my recovery.
     I still have a long ways to go; but I know that I will indeed get there!
     firefly_311
 Important Fact
It took me years to realize that just because I removed myself from an abusive situation, I didn't recover until I worked on my issues.
 

Childhood Abuse Linked to Adult Migraines

FindCounseling.com

Physical or sexual abuse experienced in childhood may predispose victims to migraine with depression later in life, shows a study of 949 female migraine sufferers.

The research, conducted by Dr. Gretchen Tietjen, a neurologist at the University of Toledo, shows that women who suffer from this debilitating duo are twice as likely to report having been sexually abused as children than women with migraine alone. When the abuse continued past age 12, migraineurs were five times as likely to report depression. Women with migraine and depression were also twice as likely to have experienced multiple forms of maltreatment and to have witnessed substance abuse or abusive behavior in their childhood homes as women with migraine alone.

Among the women studied, 40 percent reported experiencing 15 or more headaches per month. Eighteen percent of participants suffered from major depression while 38 percent had experienced either physical or sexual abuse and 12 percent reported both physical and sexual abuse.

The findings provide further evidence linking child abuse and neglect to lasting neurobiological disruptions and physical health problems.

ABSTRACT: History of childhood maltreatment is associated with comorbid depression in women with migraine

Survivor Manuals

Here is a Manual on Surviving:


     In the face of trauma like child sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, sexual assault, and neglect there are many how-to questions - How to heal - how to fight - how to trust - how to get justice - how to escape - how to end the cycle - How to be a better parent - How to find joy:

 Breaking the Silence

 
    The Survivor Manual is a weekly online show inspired by and created for abuse survivors.
 
     We believe that if all survivors heal and protect themselves - as well as their children - then we will Break the Cycle of abuse and lead joyful lives.
     Angela Shelton
 
 
 
 
     I have created an exercise that I would like to donate to counselors, therapists and individuals called An Exercise in Unconditional Self Love.  It is a step by step exercise that helps one incorporate self love into their life when they are going through a particularly difficult challenge in their life.  I would love to hear any feedback on the exercise that anyone has to offer. 
                                    Rita  NurturingArt.com

Dear Lavender Sisters,

 
Margie McKinnon 
  
   I'm the founder of the Lamplighters a movement for recovery from incest, sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. 
 
 
I'm also the author of
A Program for Recovery from
Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse
 
(both adult and children's version).
 
Join The Lamplighter Movement and begin attending their support groups.
Email Marjorie at Margie@theLamplighters.org  
 

Melissa 
     A close friend of mine told me she had met a man over the weekend. I should've felt happy for her. Well, I was. But I felt depressed and sorry for myself before I felt happy for her.

     Have you ever felt that a man wouldn't want to touch you?
 
     That a man could just look at you and think that you are a disgusting being?

     That's how I've felt most of my life.
     I knew a guy would end up seeing through me, that he would leave me if he ever found out about what happened to me, so I never allowed myself to get involved with a man. I let the shame and disgust of the abuser engulf me and represent who I was. I felt I was a filthy person who didn't deserve love. It's amazing how much you can hate yourself.

     Do you know what I did?  Early on, maybe fourth or fifth grade, I began cutting my hair short, super short, like a boy's hair. I could be mistaken for a boy. I think in a weird way I wanted to be a boy, because I had been taught through the abuse that boys were safe while girls were vulnerable, just because of our bodies. 
     As I grew older, into high school and beyond, I continued to wear baggy T-shirts and shapeless pants, so no hint of my breasts or curves could be visible. But at the same time, I craved male attention. I wanted a guy to love me. It's such a paradox. How could I be both things? Even when I met a guy and felt like something could develop, I would freeze up, freak out, sabotage any potential for a relationship that I craved and needed. It was crazy. I felt crazy.
     I have gotten better due to the healing process; I am aware of myself as a sexual being and I KNOW THAT IT IS OKAY, and my appearance reflects these new, better feelings that I have about myself. But the pattern has been set. Old habits die hard. I still don't try to meet men. I never thought it was normal to feel petrified, to have a flight-or-fight reaction even with a guy I liked, but I did and still do. I am finally angry that something beautiful was used AGAINST me when I was a child.

Tips for Abuse Survivors & their Dentist

  If this is your first time at Dental Fear Central and you've jumped straight to this page, I would suggest you look at the other pages as well. There you will find lots of helpful information, because many fears and ways to overcome them apply equally to people whose dental fears are linked to childhood abuse and to those whose fears have other reasons.

   Someone who is a survivor of childhood abuse has written this section of Dental Fear Central. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions, please email her at: gdentalfear@nospam.hotmail.com (remove "nospam." from the email address).

What does a Good Relationship Look Like?
     Before you can determine whether your new guy will be abusive, you need to understand what love is.  Really!  I know that sounds strange, but defining what love is and is not, is at the heart of the problem.
 
     A good relationship is when one ...
     where intimacy develops slowly from friendship to a commitment.  He doesn't have deep emotional scars from his childhood or a previous relationship.  he is capable of trusting and being trusted.
 
     A good relationship is when one ...
     that is based on a commitment.  You feel secure about the future of the relationship.  There is no confusion or fear of abandonment.  you feel relaxed and are not anxious about losing the relationship.
 
     A good relationship is when one ...
     where to people do not need each other.  They are already individually strong - the relationship enhances their lives.  There is consistent sharing of pleasurable activities.  you are not constantly disappointed or irritated by your partner's desctructive habits: alcoholism, love affairs, drug abuse or violence.
A good relationship is when one ...
     where there is trust and concern about each other's welfare and happiness.  You can openly talk about your needs and are listened to.
 
A good relationship is when one ...
     where two individuals can resolve conflicts in a peaceful, clam manner.  Feelings can be openly expressed safely.  Conflicts are resolved by coming to a compatible agreement.  There is no right or wrong person if the agreed decision does not work out satisfactorily.
 
by Nancy Kilmore 

How it Feels to Heal from Sexual Abuse


Carolyn Lehman
Strong at the Heart


  Let's get real about child sexual abuse. It hurts children and teens in profound ways. But people can heal—and go on to lead rich and interesting lives. People who survived everything from adolescent and childhood rape to incest, sexual assault and molestation. In healing, they found unexpected strengths. They've chosen to tell their stories and be photographed for my book, STRONG AT THE HEART, so that you can see how real teens and adults heal from sexual trauma.

If you've been sexually abused or assaulted:
   Remember, you are not alone. Other people have been through this and made it out the other side. You can, too.
   Reach out. Tell a parent, friend, teacher or counselor. Or call one of the national help lines now. Keep telling until you find the support you want and need.
   Don't take on the blame. When a child is molested by an adult, the adult is responsible, no matter what the child did, said or felt at the time. If a person of any age forces sex on another, that is rape.
    Be kind to yourself. Accept that you may feel fear, rage, sadness, shame or guilt. Or not feel much at all. What happened can affect your thoughts about yourself, other people, or your own sexuality. These feelings and thoughts are normal after rape or abuse. Healing lets you work through them so that you can be in charge of your life and your future.
    Find ways to tell your story. Draw, write, sing. Putting your experience outside of yourself is an excellent way to help yourself heal.
    Get outside. Walk, run, ride a bike. Get in touch with nature. When you are physically active, you feel better.
    Know that you can heal. No matter when the assault occurred, even if it was years ago, healing is always possible. Look for a counselor who is trained to help sexual abuse survivors. Call your local Rape Crisis center or a national helpline for referrals.


I joined a support group that helped me to realize I was not alone.
    That was a huge step for me and although I was terrified walking into a group and telling them my secrets, once I got in there and started listening to their stories, and sharing my own, I knew I was in the right place. They could understand exactly how I felt and knew what I was going through. On the outer surface, had I passed these women in a store or on the street, I would not be able to tell the hurt they felt inside, but inside those walls of that room, we opened up and shared with one another our pain and our tears, and something even greater came of that...We supported one another as well.

    If one of us was having a hard day where our memories felt like they were going to overwhelm us and take us under the surface, another group member would throw a lifeline and help us get through it by being there for us and understanding, giving hugs and compassionate words of support. I really don't know if I could have made it without my support group. 

    The other benefit of the group was that when I stepped forward to help lift up another member's spirit when she was hurting, it in turn helped me too and taught me ways to nurture myself as well. I learned new coping skills and learned to get rid of those old messages that played in my head and replace them with new life affirming messages.

    You may not feel strong today, but believe me you are. You are strong inside and you are a courageous woman
      After all you survived!

    They say we all survived for a reason and if you can get to the point of sharing your story and your experiences, you just never know who may read your words and it may give them the hope they need to heal from the effects of sexual abuse.  

 - Tammy PolarB

    Wild Recovery is a Narcotics Anonymous group that is part of the Greater San Jose Area fellowship. Instead of meeting in the same room each week, they meet all around the bay area in beautiful settings. 


     Look into starting one in your area!
      Whereas all meetings are special, Wild Recovery has the extra advantage of hiking and having their meetings in the outdoors. This gives the group a chance to exercise, and talk in a more informal setting, before and after the meeting. Members agree that the beauty of nature, the opportunities to hike with other recovering addicts, in your own backyard makes Wild Recovery a special gift.  Wild Recovery meetings usually are held near the half-way point of the hike. The meetings follow a Speaker/ Discussion format and last from 45 minutes to an hour.

www.wildrecovery.org

Rape Survivors Anonymous   

     The commonly used line “one day at a time” is great advice, and a helpful affirmation for survivors embarking on a healing journey.

  1. We admitted we were powerless over the attack and that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power, as we understood that power.
  4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, and our attack.
  5. Admitted to our higher power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our attack, how it impacted us, and that it was not our fault.
  6. We’re entirely ready to have that higher power remove all these defects within our thinking.
  7. Humbly asked the higher power to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons our actions had harmed as a result of our being raped, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through spirituality and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our higher power, as we understood that power, praying only for knowledge of our higher power’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other victims and survivors, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
http://groups.msn.com/RapeSurvivorsAnonymous 

a Milestone that Changed My Life Forever

     The most thing I ever learned was that the sexual abuse was not my fault.  It was not an easy lesson to learn. But for me, it was a Milestone that Changed My Life Forever.  I learned that the abuse was more about power, than it was about the sexual act itself.  Though that does not minimize the memories of the abuse, it has given me better peace of mind.
     As an adult, I entered into three marriages all of which ended due to domestic violence. I am quite sure my choices were directly due to the incest I grew up around.  It has been ten years since the last time anyone ever laid an angry hand on me or verbally abused me.  The power I gained from going to enablers meetings, is where I learned about, Act and React.

 
     I Thank God for giving me the strength to attend all those meetings and for finally letting it sink in.  I stopped reacting to my husband's acting out and in less than a week I realized that I was stronger than I'd ever known possible.  
      I walked away from my last marriage which was the most violent of the three.  I left, knowing that I would have rough times ahead but also knowing that I had survived and could then start to work on my recovery.
 
    IMPORTANT FACT THAT IT TOOK ME YEARS TO REALIZE
Just because your remove yourself from an abusive situation,
You aren't recoverying until you work on your issues.
     I still have a long ways to go;
      but I know that I will indeed get there!
 
firefly_311