We Wear Lavender Bracelets

to symbolize our unity and to remind us we are not alone

Hope Renewed
 the horror of
 clergy sexual 
 abuse
 
 
 
by Samantha
Sometimes, when we least expect it, something happens that changes our lives forever.

For me, it began shortly before my husband and I arranged for me to counsel with our pastor. Unbeknownst to us at that time, it had actually begun a lot earlier on.

My husband and I had been out of the church for many years, not void of faith or religion, just not attending the usual services. We had finally reached a point where we knew we needed to go back. Walking back into the church family where my husband had spent much of his childhood, and where I had spent some of the early years of my Christian walk, was exciting and frightening at the same time. There was a different pastor than when we had last attended, and he preached a sermon on love and acceptance that first day, so we thought ourselves on the right track again. We attended sporadically for about a year and then we fully committed ourselves.

The pastor and his wife befriended us, and we began to spend quite a lot of time with them and their family. The pastor was the one who pursued the friendship, always calling to invite us for lunch or dinner or something. We enjoyed their friendship, looked up to them as parents and role models, took Bible studies from them, sought counsel from them and worked together on church projects and committees with them. We were very much a part of the church and each other’s lives.

Our own lives were very stressful. I had health problems that were getting worse. We had our own business and were working far too much. We didn’t have much time for personal spiritual growth and my own faith was not as strong as it should have been, or could have been. My hope for a healthy future, void of physical pain, was fast disappearing. Our dog was very ill, my husband was having chest pains and it seemed as if each area of our lives had some stressful situation going on. Then something happened that, once again, raised some questions about my past and the abuse that I had suffered. (See Why Me? What Made Me Vulnerable?) Thankfully, I was able to tell my husband right away.

Having been to psychologists before, as a teenager and very young adult, I didn’t think they were particularly helpful, so I was not eager to see one again to help me with this problem. It seemed somewhat natural to ask the pastor to help me through this difficult time of sorting through these issues. He always seemed to care and he felt very badly about all the health problems I had, although initially, he made fun of one of them. My husband felt uneasy, and unsure if the pastor could separate his friendship from our counseling, but the pastor assured him all would be fine and that he could help me.

Looking back, it was the worst mistake of our lives.

Let me back up and explain… I had noticed odd things for quite some time, things I couldn’t quite put my finger on—the way the pastor would pay special attention to me—a look, a touch that seemed innocent, yet not—frequent phone calls or email and so on. I thought he just really enjoyed the friendship we all shared since on several occasions he had mentioned that he didn’t keep many close friends. My husband was unaware of some of these things prior to my commencing counseling with the pastor. Due to my lack of knowledge of the effects of abuse at that time, I couldn’t fully comprehend the magnitude of what was happening. I didn’t realize the pastor was grooming me to be his next victim. And besides, who wants to think that their pastor is capable of having ulterior motives in anything he says or does? A pastor is a representative of Christ, and in our eyes, a pastor could (should) do no wrong. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but I couldn’t really express what was happening and neither of us could understand, or knew how to discuss it.

Then I started noticing more and more things and, finally, I asked the pastor (via email) if he emailed all the church members this way or just me. I was not prepared for his reply “just you,” he said. That seemed to open the floodgates of emails and phone calls and then he began sharing his personal feelings for me. It wasn’t until much later that the pastor admitted he had “set his sights on me the moment we walked through the church doors that first day.” I had no idea at this point how to stop what had begun or how to tell my husband. I was afraid. I felt trapped. I was no longer myself, but a woman who lived to please her pastor, keep his secrets and keep him from getting upset, and a woman who could no longer confide in her husband as she had done for so many years. I became controlled by this pastor and did whatever I could to keep him from getting upset with me. I was crushed with guilt and shame and didn’t know how to make things better.

I know it seems totally absurd, but I honestly believed that he could, and would, counsel me and help me. I never dreamed he would use the time to further his own agenda. Immediately after we started counseling together, he tried to become more physical with me. Eventually, after a few appointments, he raped me in his office. I thought I would die afterward. I certainly wanted to. I could not fight off his constant pressure and demands for physical contact. I didn’t have the emotional strength to do so and I didn’t know how. So I continued to give in. I eventually believed that I must have been “in love” with him since I was involved with him in this way. After all, he had told me this was God’s will (all kinds of twisted Scripture!) and that he had never been happier in his life. I was, to him, his cure-all. He needed me. Why did I keep going? I don’t know. Somehow I believed I needed him and the help he gave, or was promising to give, I should say. I prayed for God to stop it, I begged the pastor to stop what he was doing and to stay with his wife. He only reiterated his love for me, his need for me, and he begged me not to tell anyone (especially my husband) and to run away and marry him.

By this point I didn’t believe I could quit counseling with him because I thought for certain I would die. Isn’t it odd how someone who is supposed to help you can be abusing you and yet you still feel like without his help you’ll die? That’s how I felt. Truth be told, I was dying either way. I had already begun the self-abuse patterns (cutting, beating, etc.) that I went through as a teenager, and I was making concrete plans to end my life. I was deeply depressed, even to the point of having hallucinations, and was becoming less and less able to function. The pastor knew these things and his response was, “I wish you didn’t feel the need to be so harsh with yourself.” Through the pastor’s bewitching influence, Satan had taken complete control of me and convinced me that I could not live without this pastor and that he was the only one who could help me.

My husband suffered greatly. He spoke with the pastor when he found out that something had happened and the pastor assured him it was a mistake and would never happen again. The pastor continually lied to my husband about what was happening and my husband didn’t know what to do. He talked about turning the pastor in, but that frightened me so much because I felt responsible for this man’s life, career and his family. I would tell my husband that if he told, I would leave or kill myself. I just couldn’t bear the thought of this situation coming to light. The pastor’s wife, however, was the one who finally turned him in. When it became known that the pastor was having an adulterous relationship with a congregant, the pastor was fired. He immediately left his wife and continued to stalk me (hang-up calls, drive-bys and so on) for quite some time. In fact, we have since moved (twice) and are not quite sure whether the stalking is finally over or not.

My husband and I had a very hard time coming through this. The church, unfortunately, was not very supportive, and did not handle the situation as well as it could have. Firing the pastor was the right thing to do, but that should have been only the beginning. Truth should have been told—to us and to the church family. But everything was kept hush-hush. My husband always supported me and kept trying to get me to open my eyes as to how I had been deceived and abused by the pastor. He wanted me to see how Satan had taken control of the pastor, and then me, and caused this whole mess. Don’t misunderstand—it was not an easy thing for us to go through. We had many fights and arguments and often thought we’d never survive the whole ordeal. But, praise God, He kept us together and helped us through it all.

What opened my eyes to the truth? Through God’s Providence, we were invited to a Tamar’s Voice meeting and learned the truth—that pastoral abuse is sadly common and that it is wrong, period. Later, after much prayer and growth in my relationship with the Lord, I learned that the greatest responsibility was with the pastor because he had the power, and that someone in a counseling/pastoral or other powerful position has the responsibility to protect and nurture the one who is seeking help. He is not to harm the one he is trying to help.

Although I was not completely innocent, I did lie; I did commit adultery; I was not the one to blame. I did not pursue this man. I never wanted a relationship with him. If it were not for his power over me as a “man of God,” as my counselor and father figure, he would never have been able to get me to participate in any of the horrible things I did. I was not infatuated with him because of his position, or for any other reason. There was no attraction. He was, to my husband and me, the father figure we needed. His family was the type of family we desired to be a part of, or so we thought. That was all. It took me a long time to understand that this was not an “affair.” It was abuse. It was calculated and premeditated. And we were the victims.

Although I have left out most all the gory details and the real terror in this brief recap, I do feel it is enough for someone to be able to understand the horror of clergy sexual abuse.

I honestly don’t know what I would have done without such a caring, compassionate and God-loving husband. I thank God for him each day, because without him, I surely would be dead. Countless times he listened to God’s voice speak to him through the Holy Spirit and he returned home just in time to reverse the suicide action I had taken and prevent my death.

So, where was God in all this? Well, I didn’t think He was there at the time. But now I can see clearly His intervention in all things—His working to bring good out of horror, His desire to draw me (and my husband) closer to Him, His desire to cleanse the church and to allow the pastor to make his choices—right or wrong. I believe God intends to use me and my husband as examples to other hurting couples and victimized women. We are proof of His power to save, heal and improve broken and hurting lives and relationships. (See Bible promises.)

The sad part is that the pastor has not chosen to confess, repent and return to God (or to his wife). God gave us all free will and the freedom to choose what we will do and whom we will serve in this life—God or Satan. He allowed the pastor to perpetrate his evil scheme to abuse me, and my husband. He also allowed us to make the decision to stay together and heal our brokenness. I hope one day the pastor will take advantage of God’s offer as we have—“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”—1 John 1:9

My hope has been renewed. My sins have been confessed and I am forgiven. I love my husband and appreciate his strength and character much more than ever. I love God even more than I ever thought I could. We have come through this terrible ordeal and have obtained a much better understanding of how the past affects our behavior and emotions today. I have a deeper relationship with both God and my husband. For that I am thankful. If I had to go through what I went through in order to get here, then it was worth the heartache and pain. It was worth the bloodshed (my own) and all the sleepless nights. God will always be with me and He has promised He will not give me more than I can bear—even though it may seem like it at the time. I just need to trust in Him completely.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”—1 Corinthians 10:13

Today I praise God for the good works He has done in my life. I praise Him for the opportunity to share my testimony in order to help others who are struggling now. I praise Him that He brought me through the pain of my childhood and adolescence so that I may be able to help someone else who is hurting in the same way. I thank Him for my husband whom I love dearly. Most of all, I thank Him for the gift of eternal life through Christ Jesus, without whom I am nothing.

Sometimes, when we least expect it, something happens that changes our lives forever.

Sometimes, it can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Be a Voice Yvonne Gross

 
Hello,
     My name is Yvonne Goss. The story of my sexual abuse started before the time of reason I was told. My three sisters and I were molested by our father from toddlers until our teens. I truly do feel that focusing on who we are now, and where the journey to healing has led us, is far more productive than reliving the abuse that we endured. I am a survivor.
    For many years I still thought of myself as a victim. And in doing that, I wasn't able to heal. My abuse was something that I never talked about. Only a part of my past that I wanted to block out. It wasn't until one of my daughters was molested by a Sunday School teacher that I had to look at my childhood, and face it. In doing so I believe that I have gone from a victim to a survivor.


    See her YouTube (click below)

    
     I have written a song about abuse called Be A Voice. 
Its something that God gave to me after I prayed and
cried out to Him as to what I could do to help children
that are suffering the same abuse that I suffered with growing up.
     My goal is not only to help survivors with the words to my song,
but to try and make a difference in the lives of future victim's of abuse.
 

 Where was God when I was being abused?

I grew up in the Roman Catholic church. In parochial school, I learned words such as hypocrite and contradict and excommunication, and the language of the Catholic congregation: catechism, confession, contrition, communion, confirmation, and the rituals of the Catholic church: The stations of the Cross, the Cross on the Rosary, and the Sign of the Cross: “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.” That included all the important people, but what category did little girls fall into? There seemed to be no place for me, so whenever I was in church, I never felt right or good.

Confession was a real dilemma for a little girl in a Catholic school uniform. Often I did not sin at all, but since Confession was mandatory, I invented sins, such as fibbing. To perform the rites of a good Catholic, I lied to the priest about how I had fibbed to my mother.

When I could decide for myself, I realized that a religious institution is not for me. Some people feel stifled by it and some use church just to gain status. Religion can be a source of strength to others. The principles of religion, such as The Golden Rule or The Ten Commandments serve to instill peace and love. I learned that it is okay if traditional religion has no significance for me.

I learned that there is a difference between religion and spirituality. My main premise of spirituality is the belief in a Higher Power. With spirituality, humans attain an awareness that acknowledges the soul because we are intrinsically spiritual beings in human form. I thought the soul hovered above or around the body, but not quite in it. Then, I learned that the body is a vessel for the soul to inhabit, and the soul is the essence of love as it manifests in the world.

God’s love (your personal vision) is alive and present in the soul. Our spiritual connection is our unity with God, and the love of God in the universe. Every soul finds redemption as a child in God’s family because love is perfect and pure within all of us.     Spirituality took on a new meaning, not as a means to get to Heaven, but as a way to get through each day on earth.  

It was a relief to learn that I’m not a heretic without hope of redemption.

 Adapted from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story by Lynn C. Tolson

                

Bible for Christian Women

The Bible for Christian Women to find the courage and strength from the stories of strong and courageous women in the bible. 

    It is a wonderful study bible!  

Rules From God 2009

1. Wake Up !! Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !! The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!! Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. "He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!! For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!  To the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!  For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, And He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !! Your Prayers. "Do not worry about anything; Instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6

God Answers Prayer.

Maria Pinkston, President and CEO (Founder)
     In 1996, she married an old high school boyfriend. The wedding was lavish with over 350 guests in attendance. It was Maria’s fairy tale wedding. But soon, that fairy tale took a dramatic turn into a living nightmare. It ended with thoughts of suicide, depression, death-threats against her, choke holds, intimidation, and fear. Maria survived three and a half years of abuse by her husband. She was finally delivered when her pastor noticed her zombie-like stare one evening during bible study. Up until that point, Maria was the victim of religious scriptural misinterpretation and confusion. A group of Christian wives informed her that she had made a vow before God and that vow cannot be broken. It is for this reason that Maria is now led to end her silence and speak out against abuse.
In March of 2000, she found the courage to leave her abusive spouse and follow the will of God. In fact, during her healing process God told Maria to expose her experience with violence.
     She is currently writing her dissertation: An Autoethnography on African American Christian Women - Survivors of Domestic Violence. She plans to publish this (and others) for clergy to understand the position they have in helping those who are hurting.
     In March of 2005, God again spoke to her heart and told Maria it was time to begin the journey toward fulfilling his vision for her life. Soon The Soul Sanctuary was registered with the state of Florida, and papers have been filed with the IRS to secure nonprofit status. The domain name was secured thus confirming to Maria that this was truly God directing her path since he placed the name The Soul Sanctuary in heart spirit in 2000. God's vision is much larger than Maria. It is about the message of hope for women and men of all walks of life who are hurting and brokenhearted but are searching for the truth-VIOLENCE IS WRONG!

 A Battered Woman's True Story 

Kelly Cry     Supreme Love

     I wrote my story because of an extraordinary experience which never left my mind.
     I also wrote it because I had this deep need to understand what I went through, and in a way, it was cathartic for me. 

Writing this book changed my whole life!

We are an active community for survivors of all types of abuse. Our aim is to bring friendship and support to survivors in need, and ultimately to help one another come to a place of healing in our lives!

Christian Survivors Ministries is centered around a well moderated message board. We have a five year old, & thriving community of survivors - all seeking to support each other through the realities of daily living as a survivor!

 Iyanla Vanzant
     Born in the back of a taxi in New York City, she lived in the projects and was passed from one relative to another after her mother's death when she was two.  Then there were the rape by an uncle when she was nine, the pregnancy when she was sixteen, the abusive husband who once beat her so badly she was hospitalized, the attempted suicide.
 
    Iyanla speaks from experience, and she speaks deeply from her heart and soul.
    Iyanla burst into celebrity with her best-selling book, Acts of Faith and her appearance on Oprah, where she has become a regular guest.
     She's been called "an empowerment specialist," a "spiritual bounty hunter," and "a spiritual goddess." Where she came from to where she is now is an arc of inspiring proportions.
 
 
 
 
God's Promises for You
 
     Filled with inspirational promises about valuing others, anger, suffering, praising God, Jesus and more, this is a promise book filled with comfort and guidance that you'll turn to again and again during times of need.

This unique collection of promises from God's Word speaks to each person of God's passion and concern for everyone. The accompanying text includes a wide variety of wise and lively writings from Max that are not only heart-warming but informative.

Shelley Lubben  
Unfortunately, some of you have been taught wrong things about God. Some of you think God is mean and far away. Maybe your parents shoved the Bible down your throat. Maybe you had a religious relative who was cruel to you. I'm sorry if that happened to you. It happened to me too. My mother always preached the Bible at me but then rarely showed me love and affection. It confused me as a child because in Sunday School I learned that God loves me and yet my parents didn't teach me the real meaning of love.
     It's important to recognize that when kids grow up the only God they see is through their parents. I looked at my parents and I saw God as mean and distant. As I grew older and frankly, more desperate due to my horrible lifestyle, I began to turn to God in my desperation and He revealed Himself to me in a real way.

Learning to Breathe Again
by Tammy Trent

    Anything from Tammy Trent is such a gift from God.  Her testimony is so special.  Reading this book will give you the HOPE you need to become a true survivor of anything!



Lord Heal My Hurt  
No Matter How Deep the Wounds, God Can Heal Your Hurts.
Everyone hurts. The pain runs deep, the scars never seem to fade, the memories torment us. As a result, our growth is stunted, our walk crippled, our relationships infected. Will relief never come?

Yes—when you put yourself in the hands of Jehovah-rapha, the God who heals! No matter what you've done or what's been done to you, He wants to be your refuge. He loves you. And He offers healing for your deepest wounds.

Discover how God can turn your sorrow into joy in Lord, Heal My Hurts. Let Kay Arthur guide you through the Scriptures so you can be set free from past hurts by the power of God. This powerful, insightful study will minister to you in deeply restorative ways. And these are truths you will want to share with others.

Often the family will not be able to accept
 This is very common when the abuser is a family member, and more so when it is a parent.

     The mother may very often be unwilling to believe the child for fear of breaking up the family. She may have no financial or emotional resources of her own that she can call on to help her deal with this terrible trauma, and she may be unwilling to face the shame of public awareness. This may prevent her from seeking professional help in dealing with it.

     She may even feel some anger at the child for bringing the situation out into the light and for taking the husband's attentions that are rightfully hers. This is not an anger that is obvious, it is very difficult recognize because it is an unconscious anger. The mother may feel anger at the husband for betraying the marital fidelity, specially with a child.
 
     This anger becomes more pronounced the older the child is. The anger is very real and it comes with a great deal of pain for all family members. It is not uncommon for the rest of the family to blame the victim for causing the pain of discovery by revealing the abuse, rather than the offender for the actual abuse. This only isolates the victim even further The family does not want to deal with the shame and hurt of the betrayal of trust by the abuser. Anger is a great way to avoid feeling pain, and no one can feel guilt while they are feeling anger.

      The child who has been sexually abused learns to associate sex with caring, and begins to sexualize all of their behaviors in an effort to gain caring and nurturing. This indicates that the child has learned that sex equals caring, and that to gain the love and caring that all children need to grow, the child mistakenly believes that sexual behavior is the appropriate and required behavior. When you see a child behaving in a seductive or inappropriate sexual manner, this signifies someone has taught the child :This is how you get attention, this is how you get love". This is wrong, and it sets the child up to become a victim again later on.

Jesus loves U2

     The saying, “Let go and let God,” can come across as though the survivor doesn’t have enough faith. Some may feel as though they are failing, since they have been told to let go and let God. Personally, in my opinion, it is as if they are also saying that because a person struggles with painful emotions, they just can't seem to let it go already. They just can't get it right. While this may not be how the person intended for it to come across, religion is a sensitive thing and telling people to simply let go and let God can be misunderstood.

      Second, the comment, "Let it go, it's in your past," insinuates that one should not be feeling any pain from their past. It's as though because they have left their abuser, they are all better now. That's not the case. Once a person leaves their abuser, they are now in a safe environment to feel, for the first time in a very long time. The abuse may very well be in their past; however, telling a survivor that they must let it go and forget about it, is wrong. Each person must wait until they feel ready to discuss and disclose the information of their abuse. No victim or survivor can simply forget it. The wounds go very deep. It simply cannot be forgotten. Over time, I believe, the memories will not be as strong or as painful; however, they won’t ever be truly forgotten.

       The comment, "Don't dwell on it," means what? Personally, don't dwell on it means that the person must now forget it entirely. Again, forgetting is not possible. When a survivor is just beginning to process their emotions, it can seem to outsiders as though they are dwelling on it. However, the reality is that they are not dwelling on it, but they are needing to process it, in order to move on with their lives. Each person processes at their own pace. Who are others to determine the pace of the survivor? They are not the ones that endured the abuse, the survivor is. They are not the ones that must now face those emotional demons -- the survivor is. Their process must be at their own pace. Otherwise, you end up with someone like myself, who wore the mask in order to not offend or disappoint anyone else.

      Lastly, the statement, "The more you think about how you feel, the worse you will feel," is completely backwards. I believe the more you think about how you feel, the better you will feel. If a survivor does not express their feelings and emotions, over the issues of the abuse they endured, it will fester within them, until they act out somehow. For some, it comes out in passive-aggressive behavior. They are not free, or safe, to express what they feel, so they lash out at others in subtle ways, such as the passive-aggressive behavior. Displaced anger can also happen.

Every survivor has the right, and the freedom, to process at their own pace, without fear of judgement from others.

Kelli Deister
Bellaonline

The Wounded Heart
Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse
by Dr. Dan Allender

Almost everyone knows a victim of childhood sexual abuse; it has no religious or social boundaries. And sexual abuse is probably the most ''soul-deadening'' trauma there is. For adult victims, here is a way out of the rage, fear, and confusion.

Jewels Testimony

     I wanted to tell my story of child sexual abuse. I was abused by My Grandfather, Father and Brother. My life was a living nightmare. When I was eight my mother sent me to a church at the corner of our street. It was Good Friday and they presented the crucifixion of Christ. I sat in the front row with my little sister and I can still see that preacher telling about what Jesus did for us, I asked the Lord to forgive me on that day.

     The nightmare did continue for years and I wasn't taught anymore about Jesus. I met a man at the age of twenty five and He told me again about the Lord. I always believed there was a God because I would lie in my bed every night and say, now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. I was a very scared little girl and because of the fear I forgot each time it happen and acted like I had a family that loved me.

     When I was forty five I remembered at night in the dark. I could feel something around my neck, I was so afraid but then it came back to me what happened. Step by step I went through my dark past. I went through bouts of depression that was so bad I couldn't walk across the kitchen. My family was suffering too as I went through this. I have been recovering all this while one memory at a time.

    There was a time at the beginning where I didn't want to live, if it meant I had to remember. As time went on I worked through feelings of anger and despair. Sadness was always around me. I began to look at God as if it was His fault. He allowed me to be born into the wrong family. I was angry at Him for that. Life would never be worth living with what I went through. It took me years to recover.

    The Lord chipped away at my heart and made it moldable so He could teach me what He wanted me to know. I have forgiven my family for what they did. I praise Him for helping me in the blackness. He loves us no matter what we have gone through or what we are going to go through. He rescued me and set my foot on a rock. (Jesus) One thing I am sure of is, God is faithful to his people.” I praise Him for His goodness to me." He saved and is restoring my soul and I praise Him!

Love in Jesus, Jewel