stand up people will be in green while other funny things will be in red!

lu- on the first day of school i got a phone call from the prinecipal she was like "ok today ur daughter said f" and i said to her "well when i was in high school im pretty sure f was apart of the alaphabet too" and she said "i know that ur a comedian and i hope that u dont talk to ur daughter like this at home" and i said "well im sorry i hope u dont think im a,a or a b or god forbid a c but i think u need to get f'ed"

squrilly songs- 1. im the lord and master

                         you all are bastreds

                         worship me, or ill stab your eyes till you bleed

                          im the lord and master

                          2. so im, a squrill

                            your not, how pathic you are

                            so im, a squrill

                            your not, your just human, how pathtic you r

                            you dont have a fluffly tail

                            you dont have squrilly wrath

                           you just build to destroy

                           while i collect some nuts

                           you all SUCK

   the starbucks song-   glen...glen,glen,glen... glen glen glen

                                    glens the man , goin to work

                                    got his tie, got ambition

                                    he knows one day he just might become.....

                                     Supervisor...........

                                    ....Roy...Roy,Roy,Roy...................

ant(a gay guy)- so i was in a fight with this guy very strong, manly man, so i came up to him and said in a strog voice im gonna kick your ass, but first im gonna squeeze it!

 ellen degeneres-You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

  Robin williams-"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

   Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
--Ken Dodd

eileen- some say the glass is half empty, others say it is half full i jus wanna know who the hell has been drinkin my beer?

 Answering Machine

Funny Answering Machine Messages...

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep

"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."

I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply

Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I'll call you, cause you called me.  We're the ______ family.  So leave your
name and number at the tone.  Sorry that we're not at home. 

"Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.
BEEP."

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes:
Caution: I drive like you do!
Strangers have the best candy
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate
No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone
I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
I'm a cruel and heartless bitch but I’m damn good at it
I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go
" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
If you're rich, I’msingle! 

my child was immate of the month at the county jail

horn broken look out for finger

if water were vodka and i were a duck id swim to the bottom and never come up but water aint vodka and im not a duck so give me the bottle and shut the hell up!!

Robin williams- damn its a hot one, id like to thank the people who came up to me and said "hot enough for ya?" and i said "no i like my sweat to run down the crack of my ass like niagra falls"

???- my brain is like lightining, one berillent flash and its over

Samm- im 1% french *lifts up pant leg* look, look! look at the forest!!!!

Conan OBrien Quotes	Pages: 1
(b. 1963) - American talk-show host. - Click icon to send that quote to a friend.
John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, 'Can I get me a hunting license here?' After hearing about it President Bush said, 'It should be 'Can me get me a hunting license here?
Paris Hilton has trademarked the words "that’s hot”. In a related story Paris Hilton’s doctors have trademarked the words "that’s contagious”.
A law banning the sale of assault weapons has expired, which means it's now legal to buy Uzis and AK 47s. The NRA said that now its owners can protect their families from up to 200 burglars at once.
This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.   Jay Leno Quotes Pages: 1   2   3 (b. 1950) - American talk-show host. - Click icon to send that quote to a friend.    A 46-year-old doctor in Guernsey, England, has had to quit his job because he couldn’t stop having sex with his female patients. And here’s the scary part — he’s a veterinarian.    In Australia a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleepwalking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers while she’s asleep. ... They could have diagnosed this years ago, but no guys ever complained.    A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!    Congratulations to Billy Joel, married over the weekend. His wife is 23 years old. I heard he had his wife screaming on the wedding night. It’s not what you think, she was a passenger in the car when he was driving.    According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair.    What do you think of this? According to a sports illustrated poll, 30% of male reads said they would rather watch a big playoff game than have sex. The other 70 said "hey that’s why they have half time."    You know the two best places to be during an earthquake? Either under a doorway or at Hooters.    A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”    This year there are 50 women on the Forbes richest list, or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.    President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.   Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"   Embarrassing Moment - First Date We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off."   Consumer Labels In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide: 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)   2. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)   3. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's "just" a suggestion)   4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)   5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Hmm . . . .)   6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)   7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)   8. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)   9. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to underwater?)   10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)   11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)   12. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)   13. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)   14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive   How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.   A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!   woody allen- "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." Charles Lamb. "The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." Charles Dickens. "If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter." Albert Grant "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." George Burns.   Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes directions: read these outloud (English Phrase) I think you need a facelift (Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat (English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive? (Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni It's very dark in here Wai So Dim This is a tow away zone No Pah King You are not very bright Yu So Dum I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty! Wai Hang Mi? Please stay a while longer Wai Go Nao? They have arrived Hai Dei Kum. Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Sing Ka. Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching?