That evening various conversations were taking place all round the country. One of them was when Jale had gone back to her office to advise of the outcome of her meeting with Stuart. Her superiors weren’t surprised by her feedback. She had told them things they had already long known. There had been a few ideas they hadn’t thought of, albeit things that seemed improbable. Something Stuart had said about the step-mother and the mother, and the step-daughter and the daughter, being the same person had jogged Jale’s memory. Could Stuart’s ex-wife and Kerry-Ann be the same person?
“I doubt it somehow” said her chief. “Kerry-Ann Stevens was a spoilt brat child star”. He laughed. “I remember her well”.
“His ex-wife was called Karen – Karen Kay”. Jale shrugged – she always developed this habit after a visit to The Associates.
“Some similarity don’t you think?”
“He’s got you at it now and I will say he’s good at getting you to think outside the frame”.
“But?” she said.
“But, I think you’re trying to find something that isn’t there. I’ve investigated him so much my brain hurts. I’ve got a whole dossier on him that I’d love to incinerate”.
“The first officer to look at him swore that one day he’d slip up and when that day came, he’d be there waiting. That officer had a nervous breakdown. Sometimes I think the reason Stuart's got all those press cuttings up in his office is a way of saying “and you can’t catch me””.
“So it’s true what they say about keeping enemies even closer?”
“My point exactly”.
“Do you remember when he sued that newspaper? Just remind me what he said to them “as you’ve been following me around and poking your nose into my private life for the last, how many years? Is this all you’ve managed to write about me? Were you worried about using up all the column space or something?”
“Yeah, I remember! It was a young, nubile freelance journalist’s first big scoop and they botched it”.
The event had been legendary, at least for the journalist. In Stuart’s unique way he had led the journalist on, even inviting them to his office, speaking to them gently and giving some kindly advice. Then he became pleasantly rude before turning nasty.
Could I make a suggestion? Before you write anything else, make sure that it’s factually correct. I may not like it, but facts that are true there’s nothing I can do about and this ... its rubbish. Even my kids would have written something better.
Just as the journalist had been about to go, in a style typical of Stuart, he had called them back and said very sharply:
You know what I’d do, if I were you? I’d go back to my office and clear my desk tonight. I’ll be instructing my solicitors first thing Monday morning. I hope you can afford it because I will take you to the cleaners for this.
The officer’s had all the other Stuart memorabilia laid out to see if it provided any giveaways about Stuart that they’d missed in the past.
“What exactly are you trying to find?” said Jale.
“The detective chief inspector has been following him for years and he’s never put a foot wrong yet or is there anything we’ve missed?”
On the table sat a copy of Stuart’s novel Superstar. On the front cover it stated:
Following an unprecedented response to the movie, this great British classic has been re-issued.
“You know what Stuart would say if this was anyone else’s? “I can hardly call this pulp fiction ‘a great British classic’”.
“He commented once that it was nice to have some royalties at last”.
“They gave him a cameo role in the film – and this is it”.
On the TV screen his film played and there was Stuart on a television that babbled away in the background from the film’s action. His appearance was more fashionable than they’d ever seen him. With blonde highlights in his hair and trendy clothes they hardly recognised the newscaster as Stuart, sat slightly hunched over a desk to negotiate reading from papers and an autocue. Suddenly Stuart was in close vision.
“Well there’s been growing evidence overnight from both scientists and observers that there could well be life on other planets. Kerry-Anne is out on Muswell Hill where some science fiction enthusiasts are out looking for UFOs”.
The inspector hit a few buttons on the remote control taking the film to the end credits. After all the actors’ credits, the relevant credits followed much more slowly:
Newscasters
Philip Bennett-Evans
Stuart Fitzpatrick
Kerry-Anne Stevens
Suzy Thompson
“Your point is?” said Jale.
“All of them are longstanding friends of Stuart’s”.
“Who is this Philip?”
“I’ve never seen him in anything else. All he ever does is film and documentary narration. A talking head in other words.”
"and Susy Thompson is?"
"A third of L3 - don't see much of her at all these days".
The inspector went back to the computer terminal and banged Stuart’s details into their National Database search facility sighing at the same time. The police intelligence gathered appeared on the screen alongside the public access information.
Commonly known: Stuart Fitzpatrick, Ralph Fitzpatrick or often just as Ralph. Occasionally is identified as Stuart Watts for non-publicity work. Born: David Stuart Watts 16 July 1960 Falkirk Scotland. Parents: Marlene McGowan and Alan Watts. Stepfather: Hugh Fitzpatrick. Spouse: Karen Robinson – missing, declared legally dead 1990. Children: Neil Watts [Born 1977] Annie Fitzpatrick [born 1981]. Criminal record links: Jason Paul, Karen Robinson [Karen Kay or Karen Fitzpatrick], Fay Anderson, Philip Tew and Robert Sinclair. Places of residence: Falkirk, Glasgow, London, Southport, Bristol, Manchester [current place of residence]. Publications: Superstar. Films: The history of love [Alan Apparent], Superstar [Newsreader], Weekender [Dancer] Television work: It’s my turn [Host], Scottish Television Network [In-vision continuity], Top of the Pops [Host], Ill-health farm [John Player], Techno World [Presenter], L3 [Guest], 1996 with a bullet [Host ]Radio work: Mosaic [Presenter], Talk UK [Presenter], Energy FM [Drive time], Radio 24-7 [Breakfast show, Drive time], Radio City [Guest Host].
He typed Stuart’s name into ex-Wikipedia and a more interesting version of events appeared.
David Stuart Fitzpatrick – redirected from Ralph.
Born David Stuart Watts, and keen to avoid being nicknamed by the song “Davey Watts”, he switched to using his second name, adopted his stepfather’s surname and then adopted the persona Ralph as a pirate DJ. “Ralphing” he said was the term an office junior used to describe people throwing up.
Stuart began in television, and is still remembered, for his stint on the teen magazine program It’s my turn hosting two series with Kerry Smithers. After a short stint providing in-vision continuity links on Scottish Television Network Stuart was not seen on television again for ten years.
Before he was famous Stuart wrote his only novel The history of love which was discovered on a pub shelf and made into a film in 1996. Ralph described the resurrection of his book as being “the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The company I worked for kicked my arse over it. Escorting me off the premises their parting words were “bye-bye Stuart, hope to see you at the film awards one day””.
Stuart has worked as a data-entry clerk, a library assistant, a market researcher, a play leader and an account clerk before making his DJ debut on the pirate station The Matrix. He also worked clubs and school discos. He also worked on many other pirate stations. His first legal station was Talk UK – a cable station copying the concept of Talk Radio – where he simultaneously worked for the parent company as an account clerk, a program researcher, an advertising sales executive, finally working as a Team Leader in channel sales for cable subscribers. It was here that he met Lily Tan, Lorraine Hughes and Lucy Miller later to become L3. Next Stuart joined Energy FM and from there was invited as a guest to Radio 24-7 where he stayed to host drive time and the breakfast show.
The alleged “Ralph V Radio 24-7” controversy was that Stuart resigned and returned to Radio 24-7 three times. Stuart said Radio 24-7 finally threatened “If you leave us again that’s it. This is absolutely the last time we’re taking you back”. A warning he clearly paid attention to. Ironically, when Stuart suffered a brain haemorrhage six months later, and was absent from the airwaves for nearly nine months, his slot on the breakfast show, and the format, was originally kept open. Vicky Hamwick and Judy “J-J” James covered initially sometimes with assistance from Janet Korea who took the show for the first week Stuart was ill. For the final six months of Stuart’s absence Agnes St John from the twin station Radio City took over the show with a new format, which Ralph retained. Agnes stayed as a regular stand in for a further year before “going home” to Radio City. “In return” Ralph said “I sometimes stood in for her at Radio City until she finally quit her Night Sounds show”.
Returning fit once again Stuart remained at Radio 24-7 for a further six years making his final stint the most distinguished. Despite leaving the station for the very last time, he continued to be a stand in until becoming the station controller. Yet for someone who’d finally “got a proper job” he never seemed to be doing it because he was always on our screens. On quitting that role – which was short lived - he declared “I’ve had my turn. It’s time for someone else to have a go”. He later said “once I was off the airwaves I was no longer tied in to an “appearance approval” clause. The only thing I was barred from was working on was other radio stations. I did some educational programmes, games shows, quiz shows, all things I never had time to do before including, of all things, a cat food commercial”.
Today Stuart’s appearances are largely restricted to retrospective television programs. He’s consistently refused to be interviewed about It’s my turn, believing his misdemeanors were unfavorably linked with the program’s title. When It’s my turn featured on After they were famous Stuart was the only presenter not interviewed. The extent to which he currently works has never revealed other than “considerable amounts of work without any publicity angles”. Last year we found a series on food facts for schools that he’d presented and a set of computer training films. Stuart has narrated many television programs under his “real” name of Stuart Fitzpatrick. Notably he’s narrated Worst ever pop records and True Crimes of music retaining his identity on the credits merely as Ralph. Stuart has lately appeared hosting the television awards, playing the hotel receptionist in L3’s continuing parody Not the flake commercial and, surprisingly, alongside old chum Kerry Stevens, who both played television newsreaders in the film Superstar. His last major appearance was hosting 1996 with a bullet. However he has done some inconsequential roles, or as Stuart puts it “insignificant”, film and TV extras.
Stuart lives in Manchester with his best mate Rob.
“There’s nothing there that we don’t already know about him” said Jale.
“Might it be better concentrating on using him as a resource, after all, he has helped us secure a couple of arrests?”
“I remember Stuart a long time ago” said the Scotsman.
“Most criminals get a wee bit cocky after a while, they start bragging about what they’ve done. He’s not like that. He's never once slipped up . So either he’s squeaky clean or he’s playing his cards very close to his chest”.
“Don’t forget what he did to that journalist. If we put a foot wrong he’s got enough money now to sue the pants off all of us”.
“Have you seen this before?” said the Scotsman. He’d found some footage on YouTube.
If you squashed together the entire time I spent in that film, it amounts to less than ten minutes. So you can’t take it very seriously or personally. If they marketed that film on the back of me being in it, I think everyone would be very disappointed. We spent two days at the studios of “London Tonight”, six months before the film was made. On the Friday we just observed and then on Saturday we practiced being the newscasters in the morning reading exactly the same news that had gone out the previous day. In the afternoon we recorded. Each of us had about half an hour of continuous recording. When we were in-vision but not speaking, we’d been given things to do. So we were seen to be busily writing notes and conferring on them with each other or a a supervisor, which we were actively encouraged to do. What we were actually doing was a general knowledge quiz. In the film, during some of the action, there would be a television playing in the background and suddenly you got a close shot or a long shot that focused on us reading the news. One of the clips I remember was the guy reflecting on his life and saying:
“It was no good trying to deny that I was guilty, the police recognized me as clearly as if I had been on telly at lunchtime giving the weather forecast”.
Immediately the camera cut to me saying
“... and in my hometown of Glasgow it’s going to be very cold, very wet and very windy throughout this weekend. Not good weather to put an umbrella up. My advice, unless going outdoors can’t be avoided, stay at home with a good book or a video. Just this once I’m glad that I will be staying here in London.”
There were a few funnies as well, demonstrating, for example, that people were not taking the threat of a nuclear war very seriously. When Philip said
“and the Bikini State tonight is …” at which point he was distracted by Suzy walking across the screen wearing a red bikini to hand him a sheet of paper after which he said “very nice!”
The most serious note was almost at the end of the film. Kerry’s announcement coincided with the girl who always imagined she’d grow up to marry the newsreader now realizing that her hopes were dashed forever.
“Finally the late news tonight comes from inside our studio. My colleague Philip is getting married tomorrow afternoon. His intended is our film editor Erica Stevenson. From all of us here we’d like to wish you all the best for the future and hope you have a lovely day tomorrow. We’ll catch up with you at your evening reception tomorrow . To the rest of you, Stuart and I will meet you back here on Monday at six. Have a great weekend”.
We never saw any of the film being made. I didn't even recognise myself in it. When people talk about me being a newscaster in this film they visualize me as a talking head on a black screen in the style of Red Dwarf”.