Episode Transcripts
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Episode Transcripts |
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First Two episodes of Season 1 |
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"Pilot"
Episode #1.01
CAST
GUEST CAST
SCENE I: Grace's Apartment/Will's Apartment WILL: What are you doing? GRACE: Hanging out. WILL: Come over. GRACE: Will, I can't. WILL: Come on, Grace. You know you want to. GRACE: Of course I want to, but-- WILL: It's going to be a good one. I can feel it. GRACE: It's always good. Still-- WILL: You're not going to come over, you want me to, uh... talk you through it? GRACE: It's tempting, but I think I'll watch ER here. WILL: Another night alone with my clicker. GRACE: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it? So, I went back to the sale today. WILL: Yeah. Did you get that black, flowy thing? GRACE: No, you were right. It's too "Stevie Nicks: The Heavy Years." WILL: Eriq La Salle just smiled. GRACE: Really? WILL: No. Did you buy anything? GRACE: Yeah. I got a great camisole. WILL: Yeah? Sexy? DANNY: [WALKING BY] I'm going to sleep. GRACE: Ask me in the morning. WILL: Was that Danny? GRACE: Yeah. Jealous? WILL: Huh! Honey, I don't need your man. I got George Clooney. GRACE: Sorry, babe. He doesn't bat for your team. WILL: Well... He hasn't seen me pitch. GRACE: Ok. Say good night, Gracie. WILL: Good night, Gracie.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
WILL: It's to you, Jack. JACK:
Give me a minute? Please? Ok? [SINGING]
WILL: [ANNOYED] It's to you, Jack. JACK:
Give me a minute, please. Wow! [SINGING]
WILL: Jack, now that you're moving in, can I make one small request? JACK: What's that? WILL: Change everything about your personality. JACK: Ha ha! I get it. Comedy... ROB: [TO WILL] You didn't tell me Jack was moving in with you. WILL: Not moving in. He's just staying with me till his apartment's finished. JURGEN: [HUMMING] Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. JACK:
Oh, I know that one! I know-- Uh, [SINGING]
WILL: Yeah. Jack. He's not humming your intro, ok? That's just a straight guy's way of thinking that you and I could ever be a couple. JACK: [TO JURGEN] Ok, first of all, Will should only be so lucky, ok? So let's just clear that right up. Second of all, you don't even know me that well. Why would you just assume that I was gay? [EVERYONE LAUGHS] Are you finished? Ok. FYI, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay. WILL: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay. JURGEN: Can we play poker? WILL: Yes. Come on, who's in? ROB: Yes. JACK: I'm in for 10. GRACE: [ENTERING] I'm fine. WILL: Grace? GRACE: You keep playing. JACK: Oh, look, it's Sporty Spice. WILL: Did you and Danny have a fight? GRACE: Yeah, but I-- I don't want to talk about it right now. I can't even think straight. WILL: That's funny. Neither can Jack. JACK: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me? GRACE: My dog knew.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment GRACE: Some fabrics never came in, and I wasn't able to make the presentation. Diamond Interiors got the job. WILL: Oh, I'm sorry. What a disappointment. GRACE: Thank you! See? That's all I wanted to hear, but Danny said, "Well, when you put everything off till the last minute..." WILL: Ooh. GRACE: Yeah. And I lost it. I started screaming, "Why can't you just let me have my feelings?" WILL: Grace, that is so Barbara DeAngelis "Making Love Work." GRACE: I know. Wasn't it? WILL: Yeah. GRACE: And then he says-- Get this-- "You don't have to get hysterical. You sound just like your mother." WILL: If you were on "Jerry Springer," that's the minute you jump out of your chair. GRACE: Yeah. Can you believe that? WILL: Hmm. You're staying here tonight. Go wash your face. I'll make up your bed. GRACE: [SIGHS] "You sound just like your mother." What kind of a person says that? [GRACE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM] WILL: A person you should've dumped a year ago. GRACE: [OFF-SCREEN] What? WILL: I said I hear they're re-releasing Vertigo. [A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.] GRACE: [OFF-SCREEN] "You sound just like your mother." When you want push someone's buttons, that'll do it. JACK: [ENTERING, CARRYING GUAPO'S BIRDCAGE AND HIS LUGGAGE] Hey, roomie! WILL: Ohh! Jack, you can't move in tonight. JACK: What? WILL: Grace is very upset. I told her she could stay here tonight. You can move in tomorrow. JACK: Ok, that's interesting. You think maybe you could've told me this-- Oh, I don't know-- Before I packed up my entire life?! WILL: You don't understand. Grace has had a really-- What's in the hat box, your tiara? JACK: [MOCKING LAUGHTER] Ah-ha ha ha. [TO THE BIRDCAGE] Look, Guapo, he made a funny. Shut up, Will! I just schlepped all the way over here from the East Side, and you know how much Guapo hates riding in taxis!
WILL: Ok. Ok. Take it easy, Jack. You sound just like your mother. JACK: [HORRIFIED GASP] Crossing the line! Ok, you nasty, bitter, lonely, balding man. I don't need this crap from you, Will. You know what? I just don't need it. [EXITING] What time tomorrow? WILL: 8:00-ish. JACK: [EXITING] Fine.
SCENE IV: Will's Office
HARLIN: You're my lawyer. You tell me. What have I got to do to buy this company? WILL: Well, first you've got to get something called a Hart-Scott-Rodino antitrust clearance and then we can negotiate standstills and lockups. Naturally, that's after we do due diligence. HARLIN: What the hell is doo-doo diligence? WILL: No, Harlin, after we do due diligence. HARLIN: Doesn't matter how slow you say it, Will. It's still doo-doo, isn't it? I just want to know what it means. WILL: It's just crap that lawyers deal with. Harlin, I'll handle it. I've been representing your corporation for 5 years now, remember? HARLIN: I know, but my wife's been bugging me about the business lately. She wants me to be a little more hands-on. WILL: You sure she's talking about the business? HARLIN: [LAUGHS] Yeah, she's talking about the business. But I trust you, Will, so you do that doodoo... That you do so well. [HARLIN EXITS] WILL'S ASSISTANT (OVER THE INTERCOM): [BUZZ] Will, it's Grace on line one. WILL: Hey. GRACE: Can I stay at your apartment again tonight? WILL: Of course. As long as you want. What are you doing? GRACE: I'm looking for tissues. WILL: Have your assistant get them for you. GRACE: She's late again. WILL: [SCOFFS] Oh! Fire her already. GRACE: I'm not going to fire Karen. Her social contacts keep my business afloat. WILL: Why does she even work? I mean, isn't she worth, like, a gazillion dollars? GRACE: She feels working keeps her down to earth. KAREN: [ENTERING] I know. I'm late. My driver had another bronchial incident. It was disgusting. I had to raise the partition. But that's no excuse. I should be punished. I'm writing you a check. WILL [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]: Karen, tell Grace she should fire you. KAREN: Grace, tell Will to redirect his anger at his mother where it belongs. Whoops. GRACE: [TO WILL] Call me later. WILL [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]: Bye. [GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
KAREN: All right, honey, here you go. Guilt, be gone! GRACE: Karen, I don't want a check. I want assistance. I'm the boss. I give you checks. KAREN: Yes, you do, honey, and I love them. I do. You know, I keep them all right here in this box. So, what else? GRACE: [SIGHS] Danny and I got into a fight. KAREN: Oh, honey, call him and make up. GRACE: Why would I do that? It wasn't my fault. KAREN: Well, in the long run, it doesn't matter. GRACE: I don't know that there's going to be a long run. KAREN: Uh...Grace? You're... You're what, 40? GRACE: I'll be 31 next month. KAREN: So I rounded up. [BEAT] Honey, Danny is a good catch. You've been living together for a year. Close the deal already. [THE TELEPHONE RINGS] KAREN: I'm serious, Grace. Pick up the pace. [RING...] GRACE: I'm serious, Karen. Pick up the phone. [RING...] KAREN: Oh! [KAREN PICKS UP THE PHONE] Grace Adler Designs...
SCENE V: Will's Apartment ELLEN: So, Will, have you seen Michael since you two broke up? WILL: Uh-- GRACE: No, he hasn't, but I have. Michael's not doing well. He got fat, he's depressed, cheap haircuts, not good. Actually it's really sad. ROB: What are you talking about? I just saw him. He looks great. GRACE: Uh, Rob...you're dismissed. WILL: Thanks for trying, sweetie. GRACE: His haircut really was awful. WILL: I know. You know what? I think it's time for $25,000 Pyramid. ROB: Hello! ELLEN: All right. So, Will, are you going to keep the place? WILL: Well, I thought it was going to be a little too expensive, so I told Jack-- [KNOCK ON DOOR] WILL: Oh, no. JACK: [ENTERING, CARRYING HIS LUGGAGE AND GUAPO'S BIRDCAGE] Hi, honey, I'm home. Oh, are we entertaining? [TO ROB AND ELLEN] Welcome! WILL: Jack, I meant to call you, but I-- JACK: Don't even--! GRACE: Wait, wait. I can stay at Rob and Ellen's tonight. JACK: No, you can't, Grace, because, apparently, you matter. How about that? WILL: Jack, I am so sorry. I-- Are bandannas back in? 'Cause I didn't get that memo. JACK: [SING-SONG] Ha, ha-ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Let me tell you something, Will Truman, ok? I don't need to live here, all right? And you know what? Guess who loses. Hello, you do, because I could've turned you into a human being instead of this rude, self-absorbed, getting chunkier every day-- Oops, did that slip out-- Thing that you are. [BEAT] What time tomorrow? WILL: 8:00-ish. JACK: Fine. [JACK EXITS.] WILL: Let's play the pyramid! GRACE: Whoo! ELLEN: Ok. You two first. GRACE: Ok. You give, I'll receive. WILL: Just as God intended it. ROB: Ellen's timing. Here's your first subject. WILL: All right. ROB: Go.
WILL: Ok, ok. Uh... [READING THE CARD] Oh, driftwood. Uh...John Wayne. Your parents' marriage. GRACE: Things that are dead. WILL: Yes. Uh...my one night stand on Fire Island. GRACE: Latin things! WILL: Good. Uh... The postcard I sent you from Italy. Uh, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. GRACE: Oh! Things that make you cry! WILL: Yes. Um...Professor Gopnick's teeth-- GRACE: Things that are yellow! WILL: Yes. And, uh...a cane. Uh, uh, a railing. GRACE: Huh? No, come on, give me another clue! WILL: Uh...each other. GRACE: Things that you lean on! WILL: That's it! GRACE: Yeah! ELLEN: You guys. That was amazing, Grace. You and Danny never do this well when we play. GRACE: I know. I'm going to break up with him. [SIGHS] It's just time. Our relationship has reached a fork in the road, and...ending it with Danny is the right...prong. Excuse me. [GRACE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM.] WILL: Uh... things that bring a dinner party to a crashing halt?
SCENE VI: Will's Office WILL: So, how did it go? GRACE: Not like I thought. WILL: Oh, Gracie, I'm sorry, but, you know, you give it some time-- GRACE: No, Will. He proposed.
SCENE VII: Grace's Office DELIVERY GUY: Grace Adler Design? KAREN: Oh, my God, would you look at that? Now, who in the world would be sending-- Oh, carnations. They must be for you. Oh, yup, they're from Danny. Oh, well, isn't he a sweetheart? Uh-- [READING THE CARD] Oh, my. Well. I'm surprised you're still walking. GRACE: Give me that. [READING THE CARD, LAUGHING] Oh, he is so great. I can't believe I ever doubted he was the one.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment WILL: Bon appetit. So, what am I going to do about Grace?
JACK: What's the big deal? Why don't you... Can I get a skosh more gravy? [MAKES A CHOKING NOISE] It's a little dry. You don't like Danny, I mean, just tell her it's a bad idea. WILL: I don't tell people who to marry. JACK: Ok, you always tell me what you think of the men I date. WILL: I'm talking about marriage, not Rudy, the Jewish cowboy you met on the Internet. JACK: Shalom, my lonesome prairie dog. [BEAT] Look, she's your best friend, Will. You have to tell her what you think. Be honest. WILL: I can't. Before my brother married Ginny, he asked me what I honestly thought of her. Well, I told him. She's morose and controlling and icy. Well, they got married anyway. Now she hates me, and my brother and I don't talk. Couldn't handle losing Grace like that. JACK: Hmm. You know, I'm going to call Rudy again. [BEAT] Oh, God, I'm sorry. But more importantly, it's terrible about you and your brother. It's awful. It's-- [JACK STOPS WILL FROM POURING HIM WINE] No, no, no, do you have any mineral water? Sulfites. WILL: So, when are you moving in? JACK: Well, I'm going to be away on business for a while, and, uh-- WILL: With what--ha! What business? JACK: Business. I have business. And clients. And work-related...business. WILL: How is the work-related client business these days? JACK: What is this? Why do you have to be so mean? WILL: Because you love it, and I love you, and-- and you love gel. And you have a home here when you get back. JACK: You see? You can be a very great guy when you want to be. WILL: Well, I got to be nicer to you. JACK: Yes, you do. WILL: Because you are a good friend. JACK: Yes, I am. WILL: I know it's got to be rough on you. JACK: Will, don't. WILL: Trapped in a man's body like that.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment GRACE: Hi. WILL: Hey. GRACE: What are you watching? WILL: Pop Up Video. Turns out Fiona Apple doesn't particularly like apples. Apple Brown Betty was invented by a guy named Darren, and get this: Bobby Darin's dog was named Fiona. You get--what are the odds of that? GRACE: I said "yes." WILL: What? GRACE: I said "yes." WILL: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Come here! GRACE: Aah! [WILL AND GRACE HUG] WILL: Wow, let's have a look at that ring. Oh, it's beautiful. When is the stone being put in? GRACE: I knew you were going to say that. WILL: Well, this... You know, I'm--I'm thirsty. GRACE: What? WILL: What what? I'm happy for you. GRACE: Lying. Lying man talking. WILL: Grace, stop it. I am happy for you. I want you two to have a great life together. GRACE: You do? Oh, thank God. I was so worried coming over here. So I have your blessing then? WILL: Yes. GRACE: I love you. WILL: Love you. GRACE: Ok, I've got to go tell my family. WILL: Uh, Grace, don't. GRACE: I have to, Will. They're paying. WILL: No. I mean, don't marry Danny. GRACE: What? WILL: Honey, I got to be honest. This guy's not enough for you. I mean, your passion, and you're--you're creative and beautiful and perfect, and this guy, I mean, you should be with someone more...somebody else. I mean, he's not funny, he doesn't know what your favorite flower is, he's passive-aggressive, the man high-five's you after sex, Grace. You're so afraid you're never going to get married, you can't even see how wrong he is for you. I mean, think about it. If you really believed he was the one, would you be asking me for my blessing? GRACE: Go to hell, Will. [GRACE EXITS]
SCENE X: Grace's Office KAREN: [ON PHONE] No, Rosario-- por favor, honey, listen to me for a second, ok? Take Olivia and Mason to la store de los toys. WILL: [ENTERING] Where's Grace? KAREN: [TO WILL] Oh, honey, thank God. How do you say "toy store" in Spanish? WILL: Tienda de juguetes. KAREN: Mm-hmm. Thanks. [INTO PHONE] F. A. O-ye, Schwartz-o. ¡Sí! Sí, Rosario. Gracias. Hola. [HANGS UP PHONE.] WILL: I haven't slept. I can't get any work done. Where is she? KAREN: Will, just stop right there. I cannot tell you anything. It's a secret. WILL: What is? KAREN: She's at City Hall, getting married-- [TO HERSELF] Oh, devil! Oh! WILL: What? What about the big wedding? KAREN: Well, she thought it was best to get it over with quickly, not make a big to-do, and I say brava. [GRACE ENTERS, CRYING, WEARING A WEDDING DRESS.] WILL: Grace. GRACE: Oh, look who's here. WILL: I'm sorry-- GRACE: Oh, it's a little late for that. WILL: No, I'm here, Grace. I'm here to support your marriage. GRACE: There is no marriage. WILL: What? GRACE: There is no marriage. And you want to know why? Because my best friend-- that would be the part you're supposed to play-- my best friend dropped a bomb of... poo on my head! KAREN: Ew. Honey, um... no... GRACE: I mean, I was fine! I was getting married and then you come along. You come, and you poison with the... the thorns from the-- the flower... [CRYING] You know, I had this metaphor worked out earlier, but I'm just very upset right now. WILL: Gracie, I just want you to be happy. GRACE: No, Will. You want me to be alone, like you. WILL: Is that the way you see this? GRACE: Yes! WILL: That's interesting, 'cause I, uh... never thought of myself as being alone. [WILL EXITS.] KAREN: Well, that was a little harsh. GRACE: Good! KAREN: Uh, y-yes, yes, it is. He's a bad person, very bad. Grace, I think it's time for a couple of blue bippies. GRACE: I don't want any pills. KAREN: They're not for you, honey. They're for me. [RATTLES THE PILLS] You know, marriage is...what? Marriage is... Marriage is, ok? What the hell, that's all you need to-- [GRACE HAS EXITED] Grace? Oh! Now she's gone. She's gone, and I'm sitting here talking to myself like a crazy person. Oh, my god, listen to me. I'm still doing it!
SCENE XI: Will's Office GRACE: Will, I am--I am so sorry for what I said back there. [GRACE'S VEIL GETS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR, SNAPPING HER HEAD BACK. WILL UNCATCHES IT FOR HER.] WILL: I know. It was mean, but... I know. GRACE: This morning, on the way to the ceremony, Danny looked at me and said, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you," and I turned to him and said... "you know, the limo has a phone." It wasn't right. He was a smart, attractive man who loved me... And who I loved, by the way. Why wasn't it right? WILL: Sweetie, remember in college, we saw that French film about a man and a woman that were perfect for one another, but they kept missing each other, and in the last scene, they meet on a plane, because that's the way it was destined to be, remember? And you said, "That's going to be me." Gracie, you're just in the middle of your movie. Danny was a plot point, a nice, decent, postcoital-high-5-ing plot point. There's still time, you know. Go get some Raisinets. GRACE: I like Red Vines. WILL: Whatever you want. The point is, it's not over. If your movie's going to have a happy ending, you just have to see it through. Come here. GRACE: Uh-uh. WILL: [KISSING HER FOREHEAD] Mwah! What do you say we go get a drink? GRACE: Yes! WILL: What is with that dress? GRACE: Oh, give me a break. I had 5 minutes to prepare for this. WILL: Still.
SCENE XII: A Bar PATRON #1: [TO WILL] I want you to make a toast to your lovely new bride! CROWD: [CHEERING] Yeah! Yay! WILL: Here's to the ball and chain. If she makes it through the night, ba-bing! I think I'll keep her!
GRACE: Wait...my turn. To my Will: You are my hero and my soul mate, and I'm a better woman for loving you. CROWD: Aww... PATRON #1: Hey, hey, hey, come on, you two, how's about a kiss? CROWD: Oh, yeah! Yeah! [CHANTING] Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! [WILL KISSES GRACE] GRACE: Nothing? Anything? WILL: Sorry. Nothing. Hmm.
"A New Lease on Life"
Episode #1.2
CAST
SCENE I: Grace's Office GRACE: ...Then Regis looked right into the camera and said, "Just give her the damn Emmy already." WILL: No. "La Lucci." He didn't say "her." "Give La Lucci the damn Emmy." GRACE: Right, right. La Lucci. Do it. Do Regis. WILL: [IMITATING REGIS] Give La Lucci the damn Emmy already! GRACE: Now do Regis finding out he has a week to live. WILL: Grace, no. Bad taste. And I need some time to work on that one. So, you seeing apartments today? GRACE: Do Regis after he's had too much melon. WILL: Stalling. GRACE: Not stalling. WILL: Grace, you haven't even been looking at apartments. GRACE: So not true. Look, there's one now. [POINTING OUT THE WINDOW] There's one, and there's one. WILL: Danny gets back to town in a week. You need to move out of his apartment and away from Ex-Boyfriend Land. GRACE: Oh, I hate Ex-Boyfriend Land. WILL: So start fresh. When Michael left me, I completely changed the whole apartment. GRACE: Will, your apartment is exactly the same. WILL: The point is, you need a new place. GRACE: Yeah. Well, easy for you to say, Mr. Rent Control. Mr. View of the Park. Mr. Perfect Apartment. Oh, my god. Why don't I move in with you? WILL: Wow. GRACE: Huh? WILL: Uh, Can't. I promised Jack he could stay with me. GRACE: Just 'til his floors are done. Excuse me, how great is this? I love you, you love me, and I love the fact I won't have to pretend I'm looking for apartments. WILL: Ok, let me think about this. No! I love you, but no, no. Grace, we need to have our own apartments. GRACE: Why? WILL: Because...we're grownups. Well, aren't we? GRACE: What just happened? We were having fun, we were playing Regis, and suddenly, I'm supposed to grow up, get my own place and pay bills? I hate you. WILL: No, you don't. Look, I have got to get to work, and you have got to start looking for a new apartment. GRACE: Go. Go, you big grownup. WILL: [IMITATING REGIS] What do you mean I only have a week to live? What am I gonna tell Gelman? Nah.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment JACK:
[SINGING]
[WILL ENTERS] JACK:
Hey. [BRINGING WILL THE BOWL OF FOOD] I made it myself. It's a dry snack
mix. I call it "Garlic Jazz." I think you might like it, but if you don't...
[SINGING]
WILL: Knock it off. Don't make me laugh. You're buggin' me. JACK: Ok, how am I bugging you? [JACK SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH, SPILLING "GARLIC JAZZ" ALL OVER.] WILL: How about projectile "garlic jazz" all over my $4,000 sofa? JACK: Each time you describe the sofa, you add another thousand. [JACK'S PARROT GUAPO "RAWKS."] WILL: And must you always let that bird out of its cage? JACK: Hey, birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim. Will's gotta lighten up. WILL: Sorry, Jack. I didn't get much sleep. You were on the phone 'til 4 a.m. I could hear you gushing three rooms away. JACK: For your information, I was having a heart-to-heart call with someone who actually cares about me. WILL: Jack, nobody actually cares about you at Dial-a-Dude. JACK: I don't know what you're talking about. WILL: It's $2.99 a minute. JACK: And so not worth it. WILL: Jack McFarland, you are a frustrating roommate. You make expensive phone calls, but you don't pay the bills. You eat a lot, but you never cook. You put on a maid's uniform, but you never clean the house. JACK: Ok, what is this, huh? What's with the vertical eyebrows? You and Grace get in a fight? WILL: No, we did not get in a fight. She wants to move in, and I said no, and I might have been a little insensitive. JACK: Do I have garlic jazz breath? WILL: [SIGHS] That's right. I forgot. It's always about you. JACK: Why are you so angry? Why don't you tell me what this is really about? Oh...my god. You're in love with me, aren't you? WILL: Do you smell toast? Because I think you're having a stroke.
SCENE III: Grace's Office GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] Look, all I'm saying is you're a realtor. Let's get a little real. I mean, who can afford-- No, no, no, no. No, don't hang up. Please, I'm sorry. I'll have my assistant here fax over the application. [HANGING UP THE PHONE] Ohh. That's gonna cost me a muffin basket. KAREN: [SORTING BLOUSES] Oh, my god. I already have this. Well, so now I have two. GRACE: I could live with my sister for a few months. I could also shove bamboo under my fingernails. KAREN: [HOLDING UP A MINI-SKIRT] Ok, now, this is something "I got it, so I'll have it. Maybe I'll wear it, maybe I won't." But, uh...maybe I will. Heh heh heh. Whoo! GRACE: Last month, I had a fiancé and a 2-bedroom apartment. Next month, single and homeless. Right on track! [THUMBS UP] KAREN: [HOLDING UP A BLOUSE] Ok. Now this is just fun. It's beach, cocktails with the Pearlmans. Kicky little blouse. Cheeriness. Dick's gotta stop drinking. GRACE: Karen, do you also hold up sandwiches in front of starving children? KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm being insensitive. I should really-- Do you want a blouse? GRACE: No, thank you. I want an apartment. Can you please fax this application over to the realtor? KAREN: Oh, honey. Machinery. No. [BEAT] Honey, now, why do you have to be the one to move out in the first place? GRACE: Oh, it's the breakup rule. Whoever cancels the marriage is forced to wander the streets of New York without a place to plug in her hot rollers. KAREN: Well, honey, you know that Danny would take you back in a heartbeat. GRACE: Karen, I'm not gonna marry someone just because I want a nice apartment. KAREN: Um...yes. That--That would be wrong. GRACE: It would be settling. I want to marry "the one." KAREN: And well you should, honey. How else are you gonna get to the two and the three?
SCENE IV: Will's Office WILL: $2,900 for a loft in Noho. $2,300 for a loft in Soho. GRACE: It's too much to pay for any... 'ho. WILL: Ok, here: "Charming one bedroom, Chelsea adjacent, well-maintained, $1,500." Sounds great. GRACE: Ok, let me decode: "Charming"? Tiny. "Chelsea adjacent"? New Jersey. "Well-maintained"? Super washes blood off sidewalk daily. WILL: Grace, you're not helping. This is for you. GRACE: Ok. Fine. Fine. Let me see. Ok. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Here it is. Perfect. [READING PAPER] "Upper West Side. Spacious 2-bedroom, 2-bath, fireplace--" WILL: This is great. GRACE: "Hardwood floors, terrace, beautifully decorated by talented woman who hates looking for apartments, gay best friend included." Aha! WILL: Grace, you can't move in with me. GRACE: Why not? WILL: Because... You know it's a bad idea. GRACE: I hate when people say I know that. How would I know that? WILL: All right, let's go over the reasons why you shouldn't. Ok? Reason number one: You just got out of a relationship, and you need to wipe the slate clean. GRACE: Ok. Reason number one why I should: I would never let you walk out of the house with mustard on your face. Come here. [LICKS HER THUMB...] WILL: No, no! Yecchh! GRACE: Reason number 2: The dry cleaner in your neighborhood calls me "nice lady." WILL: He calls me "nice lady." You need to build your own nest. I mean, living with me, I'd just become a crutch for you. GRACE: So be my crutch. WILL: Ohh, you are so Markie Post in every single Lifetime movie. GRACE: Eww. WILL: Grace! This is right. You'll see, it's gonna be great for you. GRACE: How?! I'll be in a crappy apartment somewhere alone, sitting around reading a human interest story about...I don't know, a kitty with no hind legs, who pulls herself around on a cart. Then I'll be sad because I'm alone and kind of wounded, and I'll identify with the kitty. I am that kitty. WILL: You are not that kitty! Trust me. You're a...you're a big ol' calico. GRACE: Really? WILL: Yeah. GRACE: Yeah. I can do this. WILL: You can do this. GRACE: I should do this. WILL: Mm-hmm. GRACE: In fact, this could be the best thing I've ever done for myself. WILL: Look at you! Gettin' on, gettin' past. [LOOKING AT HIS HOT DOG] Gettin' a little sick. What's in this thing? GRACE: Will? I'm scared. WILL: Of course you're scared. You're supposed to be scared. I'm scared. GRACE: You are? WILL: Yeah...Just ate a hot dog from a vendor with 3 teeth. I'm terrified.
SCENE V: Will's Office WILL: [POINTING TO A CONTRACT] Sign here. Initial here. Put the pen here. Shake my hand here. As your attorney, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that you are now the largest manufacturer of buffalo feed in the entire southwest. HARLIN: Say it again! WILL: You are now the largest manufacturer of buffalo feed in the entire southwest. HARLIN: It just sounds sexy, doesn't it? WILL: I'm hot. HARLIN: Yeah. Come on, let's go celebrate. WILL: Oh, Harlin, could I take a rain check? I am so tired. HARLIN: Figuring out all those billable hours really wiped you out, did it? WILL: No. It's this guy who's living with me. HARLIN: Look, Will, uh... I know it's none of my business, but... when my wife and I are having a problem, I light some candles, get out some nice aromatic oil, then rub it up-- [BEAT] It's just none of my business. WILL: No, it's just a friend who's staying with me temporarily. He keeps odd hours, he's got the energy of a ferret. He's messy, and he's got this enormous bird. HARLIN: Uh, by bird, you mean...? WILL: Bird. HARLIN: Just checkin'.
SCENE VI: Will's Office ELLEN, WILL'S SECRETARY: [OVER INTERCOM] Will, it's Grace on line 2. WILL: Hey! GRACE: [OVER SPEAKER PHONE] I found it. It's great. Come over now. Where is it? It's in Brooklyn Heights. Get off at the Borough Hall stop. I'll meet you there. WILL: Wait, this connection must be bad. I could've sworn I heard you say Brooklyn.
SCENE VII: Grace's New Apartment GRACE: So what do you think? WILL: I think we're in Brooklyn. GRACE: You hate it. WILL: No. No, I don't. Who knew there were such nice apartments in Brooklyn? I thought the only thing in Brooklyn were the Dodgers and about 300,000 guys named Guido. GRACE: Will, the Dodgers left Brooklyn in 1958. WILL: Sweetie, you know I don't follow the volleyball. [LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW] Look at that tree! GRACE: They really do grow in Brooklyn. WILL: Grace... You have a new apartment! GRACE: I know! Ha ha! WILL: We need to do something. GRACE: We need to play the game. WILL: Yes! What game? GRACE: The guess-where-all-my-stuff's-gonna-go game. WILL: Wha--. GRACE: I just made it up. WILL: Ohh. Excellent game. GRACE: Ready? WILL: Yeah. GRACE: I'm up against a wall with a southern exposure that gets all the light during the day. What am I? WILL: You're the ficus. GRACE: Yes. Good. Moving on. [SITTING ON THE MANTLE] I'm above the fireplace. What am I? WILL: You're the ugly piece of string art you got in Santa Fe. Grace, if you're not even gonna challenge me, I can leave right now. GRACE: Ok. Ok. WILL: Captain's chair. Come on, Grace! GRACE: Ok. Ok. I got one. [STANDS AGAINST THE WALL, MAKING SPITTING NOISES] Kkcch-puuh! Kkcch-puuh! Kkcch-puuh! What am I? WILL: I don't know what that is, but I am really embarrassed for you right now. GRACE: I'm the humidifier! WILL: Oh, gosh. GRACE: One! Yes! Comin' back! Ok... WILL: [PICKING UP PAPERS FROM THE MANTLE] The lease. GRACE: Haven't done anything yet. WILL: No, it's a 2-year lease. And you've signed it. GRACE: Ok! I am old, and I once lived in Aunt Reba's house, and I'm not Uncle Joe. WILL: You know, sweetie, I gotta go. I left Harlin back at the office, and I gotta get back. I'm sorry. [KISSING] Mwah! GRACE: Oh. Ok. Call me. WILL: I Will. I'm really happy for you. [WILL EXITS.] GRACE: I'm a coffee table.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment (WILL enters the house and turns on the TV.) TV: Tonight, Conan's guests include comedian Sandra Bernhard, 12-year-old pig caller Jody Marchenko, and Regis Philbin. (WILL sits down. JACK's parrot, GUAPO, climbs up on the couch behind him. WILL turns around, sees GUAPO and sighs.)
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment WILL: Jack, I'm sorry, but-- JACK: Morning, roomie. Last night, you missed it. They had grizzly bear attacks on the Discovery Channel. It was good, but, uh... I wanted better. WILL: What did you break? JACK: Will, can't a fella just make another fella a little meal? WILL: You broke another wineglass, didn't you? JACK: Welcome to Cynical Island, population you. I just think it's a little sad, Will, that you can't accept a simple act of kindness without turning it into something ugly and bitter. [BEAT] Ok. Guapo pooped on one of your suits. There. Let the bile flow. WILL: Jack... It's all right. JACK: Excuse me? WILL: It's a suit. I can get it dry-cleaned. JACK: Well, that--that's true. WILL: Since I'm going, do you need anything cleaned? On me. JACK: Where's Guapo?! What did you do with him?! [CALLING GUAPO] Pretty bird! [WHISTLING] WILL: Jack, Guapo is fine. What? Can't a fella dry-clean another fella's-- I want you out. I'm asking Grace to move in. [JACK KNOCKS A WINE GLASS INTO THE SINK AND IT SHATTERS.] JACK: Oops. I did break another wineglass. WILL: Jack, come on. You're leaving in a week anyway. She belongs here. I thought if she had her own place, it would be good for her, but it's...it's not good for me. She's so much a part of my everyday life. I can't have her all the way over in Brooklyn. JACK: So you think you and Grace moving in together is the best thing to do for the both of you? WILL: Yeah. I'm sure of it. JACK: And I'm out? No, no, that's very interesting. Now I know how your suit feels. WILL: Oh, Jack! Come on! It's not that big a deal. You can stay at your mother's. JACK: [HORRIFIED GASP] What is that, some type of sick joke?! WILL: All right. Then maybe you can stay-- JACK: No, No, you know what? I can take care of myself, thank you very much. Don't worry about me. I'm a survivor. [EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM.] WILL: So you'll be at your mother's? JACK: [OFF-SCREEN] Yeah.
SCENE X: Grace's Office JACK: [ENTERING] Grace! Grace! Where are you? You're making a huge mistake. [JACK NOTICES KAREN] Are you Karen? KAREN: Yes, honey. JACK: Well, Peter, Paul and Mary, you are fabulous! KAREN: Well, thank you. Who are you? JACK: I'm Jack. KAREN: Jack...? Ohh, Will's Jack? Well, hello, honey. We've talked on the phone a million times. I can't believe we've never met. JACK: Look at you, you little hottie. Stand up! KAREN: Ohh! No! Come on! [STANDS UP, BENDING OVER TO PICK UP HER PURSE, WITH HER BUTT IN THE AIR] JACK: Look at you. You are a rocketship! KAREN: Ohh, get outta here, you strange person. [REMOVES SWEATER TO SHOW OFF HER TIGHT TOP] This is-- [BEAT] What is this? JACK: P.S., loving the boobs! Perky, with all kinds of attitude. Store-bought? KAREN: Uh-uh. JACK: Right on! God, I had no idea you would be so...kitten with a whip! Come on, let's touch stomachs! [JACK PULLS UP HIS SHIRT.] KAREN: Oh, my lord, you are a complete freak! [KAREN LIFTS UP HER SHIRT AND HER AND JACK TOUCH STOMACHS.] So, honey, what are you doing here? Why are you here? Hmm? What's going on? What's happening? [POINTING TO THE TASSLE] What's that? JACK: Well, I borrowed this tassle from Grace, like, two months ago, and I never returned it. KAREN: You borrowed one tassle? For what? JACK: Let's just say a lamp. KAREN: Ok. Come on, honey, stick around, talk to me. I have nothing to do today. Grace is taking the day off to move. JACK: Not where you think. Shoes? KAREN: Chanel. JACK: Fabulous. KAREN: I know. Honey, what are you telling me? JACK: Will is asking her to move in with him. KAREN: [BOTH GASPING] Ohh, honey, no, no! She can't move into his place! That's not acceptable! JACK: Tell me about it, you feisty little shih-tzu. KAREN: Oh, honey, how's she ever gonna get married if she's playing house with a gay guy? No offense. [OFF JACK'S LOOK] Just guessing.
SCENE XI: Grace's Apartment WILL: Hey. GRACE: Hi! How did you get up without buzzing? WILL: Ah, for 3 bucks you can get into any building on this block. Actually, this one only cost 2. GRACE: See? I'm a bargain. So... What do you think? WILL: It's great. I met one of your neighbors on the way in. I'm sure he's a lot less threatening with his pants on. GRACE: Ok, got it, Will. Brooklyn bad. Manhattan good. Look. [POINTING TO A VASE ON THE MANTLE] Is this perfect here or what? WILL: It's perfect. It's also mine. GRACE: Oh, my gosh, it is? It is! WILL: Keep it, keep it. GRACE: Really? Thanks. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Tell me where this mirror should go. How about here? [HOLDING UP MIRROR ON WALL] WILL: Over. [GRACE MOVES MIRROR ACCORDING TO WILL'S DIRECTIONS] Over. GRACE: Hello. Arms! WILL: Further. Come on. Yit-dit-dit-dit-dit. GRACE: Will, I'm going out the door. WILL: Trust me. Take it into the hallway. Now get in the elevator and go downstairs and get in the cab that's gonna take you back to my apartment 'cause I want you to move in with me. GRACE: [HOLDING THE MIRROR IN FRONT OF WILL’S FACE] Look at you. Look at what you're doing. This is the face of a man who's driving me crazy. WILL: Why? I thought you'd be happy. I'm talking to my-- Can we put this down, please? [MOVING THE MIRROR] We're born roommates! What's the problem? GRACE: What's the problem? The problem is it's too late. I can't believe this! What happened?! What happened to the whole you being a crutch thing? WILL: Some people might call it a crutch, but what's a crutch? It's support! Support from someone who loves you, someone who--who has a terrace, which you don't, out here in--in Murderville. GRACE: I can't believe you're doing this. Why are you doing this? WILL: You're too far away. GRACE: Listen to me. I packed boxes, I overpaid movers, my mother's been here and hates it. I'm staying. WILL: Grace, you just left the man you were gonna marry. I just got out of a 7-year relationship. Why should we go through that alone? At the end of the day, I like to be with my best friend. GRACE: So would I, but...I'm here. WILL: I can't talk you out of this? I'm a lawyer, I'm very good at this sort of thing. GRACE: I know. You talked me into it. WILL: I...I should sue myself. GRACE: Will, I've gotta do this. I have to have done this. Be happy for me. It's good that I have my own place, even if it is in Brooklyn. [BROOKLYN ACCENT] Ya know what I'm tawkin' about, ya big mook, with yer 90-mile-an-hour hair?
SCENE XII: Grace's Apartment GRACE: Ok, I've done this.
SCENE XIII: Will's Apartment (WILL is eating ice cream as GRACE enters carrying her luggage. She smiles and carries her luggage into her new bedroom.) GRACE: [OFF-SCREEN] Good night, Will. WILL: Good night, Gracie.
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A
room without windows. A room without doors...