Mr.Jellyfish - Your not a person. You are an emu.

Radomness

<WOAH! ITS A HAMBURGER!

Green, Moldy, Hash Cheese

DAWLS

T'WAS AWESOME!!!!!

Blow up cowboy suits!

Popular Joe-related question:
So, is Joe a permanent member of Guster?
Popular Joe-related answer: That'd be nice. But Joe is talking a big game about returning to his civilian life as a producer and solo artist at some point. And it's hard to blame him. His solo album, Daydreams, is completely addictive. Joe writes beautiful music. Joe is sensitive. Here are a couple of songs you can listen to:

The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.

Kristen: But luckily i have a spatula to aid me in my efforts

Sequoyah: A spatula! not even the likes of St. George would face something a terrible as cake mix with naught but a spatula

FunkyBassMan132 [5:25 PM]: hey hey, u going to the talent show?
EndlessWater731 [5:25 PM]: naw- i gotta watch charmed tonight
FunkyBassMan132 [5:26 PM]: i swear that show has like nicotine in it or something, everyone who watches it gets hooked and it pisses me off
EndlessWater731 [5:26 PM]: last night we found out that chris (EXTREMELY cute whitelighter- from the future) is actually wayatts brother-pipers son- and that he has to get piper and leo back together so he can be born
FunkyBassMan132 [5:27 PM]: get on the patch, or the gum
FunkyBassMan132 [5:27 PM]: im gonna invent that
EndlessWater731 [5:27 PM]: haha NEVER!
FunkyBassMan132 [5:28 PM]: "the charmed patch" have you tried to quit watching charmed but cant? do people think your a sorryt excuse fr a human being? do you hate yourself with a burning passion because of that damned show? then this is for you!

woah! its definately jeeves being a weatherman! damn- is there anything that dude cant do?

there he goes again!

Apple flavored strawberry pie!



the mighty muskrats face the cuk-a-munga!

<<hehe great site www.potheadsociety.com

EndlessWater731 [6:55 PM]: haha my dog is the talk of the town in monson maine
EndlessWater731 [6:56 PM]: we went up to our house this weekend
EndlessWater731 [6:56 PM]: and she got lost
EndlessWater731 [6:56 PM]: and word spreads
CmdrRaynor325 [6:57 PM]: lol, and how did you get your dog back?
EndlessWater731 [6:58 PM]: some nice redneck lady found her and put out the word around town
EndlessWater731 [6:58 PM]: eventually it got to my aunts-husbands-brothers-wife (no lie)
EndlessWater731 [6:59 PM]: and she told them whos it was
CmdrRaynor325 [6:59 PM]: lol, what would we do without rednecks

Hiya Barbie
Hi Ken
Do you wanna go for a ride?
Sure Ken.
Jump in.

I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world
Life in plastic, it´s fantastic.
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.
Imagination, life is your creation.

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

CHORUS

I´m a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world,
Dress me up, make it tight, I´m your dolly.
You're my doll, rock´n´roll, feel the glamour in pink,
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky.
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always yours"

CHORUS

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please,
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees.
Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again,
Hit the town, fool around, let´s go party

You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always yours"
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always yours"

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

CHORUS

CHORUS

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Come on Barbie, let´s go party!

Oh, I´m having so much fun!
Well Barbie, we are just getting started.
Oh, I love you Ken

The pee-pee jeans

yes, pee-pee. dont ask- just read.

So Mr. Jellyfish (both halves) are in Burlington Coat Factory over vacation. Mr. Jellyfish decides he wants a new big sweatshirt, so we go lookin for one in the boys department. Mr. Jellyfishes little sister came with us too. All of a sudden she squeals "PEE-PEE JEANS!!!" And bursts into fits of laughter. Mr. Jelly is like "what?!" but by then we'd lost it and were cracking up too. "thats..." (laughter) "what" (lots more laughter) "the brand is!" she managed to spit out before keeling over. Mr. Jelly looks up goes "DUR! Pepe jeans! NOT Pee-Pee!" But by then it was too late and all three of us were laughing histractially- watched by some perplexed guys.

Owell, waddayagonna do?

Doggie Drool

Mr.Jellyfish was editing his websiteand, once again, the *Sister is here. Mr Jellyfihs says he wants some sugar, so Sister goes "I'LL GET YOU SOME SUGAR! FOLLOW ME IF YOU WNAT TO KNOW WHERE THE SUGAR IS!" So Mr. Jellyfish goes with her to get some candy. But it wasn't candy. Sister took down the BAG of SUGAR, grabbed a spoon, and dug in, double, tripele dipped, showed us her mouth (full of sugar) and says "YUUMM".

Next five minutes- quite un-eventful. Then Sister finds candy canes. Eats 6. Mr Jellyfish (only 1/2) eats 4. Then they go insane. We got offline and went on the phone talking to *Mr. RubberDuckie. Then Sister rolls on teh dogbed and puts her butt in her face, making herself choke on the candycane shes eating. Literally CHOKING. but shes gets it out, an s'allgood, eats it (off the dogbed) she rolls over and drools multicolored on the carpet. Mr Jellyfish is like "now how ya gonna clean that up?" Sister takes the dogbed and pputs it over the drool. (shh... don't tell mr.jellyfishes parents!)

*Name has been changed

SMAGNETIZZARE

~*theres no high like the General*~

old songs of the week

Come to where the magic is...where the rainbow ends. Follow, Follow, My Little Pony... My Little Pony n' Friends, through the clouds and past the stars...where the river bends. Follow, Follow, My Little Pony...My Little Pony n' friends. Where you find your heart's desire...where, that all depends. Follow, Follow, My Little Pony...My Little Pony n' friends.

whats on your butt?

POTC stuff









tracklist
<01> Elf in a Bottle <02> Paranoid Elfdroid <03> Ooops... I Killed an Orc Again <04> Elffriend <05> I'm Too Sexy for My Bow <05> Independent Elves* <06> With a Little Help from the Fellowship <07> I'm not an Elfboy, Not Yet an Elfman <08> Lothlorien Wood <09> I Might Be Wrong (tribute to Boromir) <10> Elf It Be <11> Gimli and Me <12> Elf Marmalade bonus track: Treebeardfingers (instrumental featuring The Mirkwood Elves Orchestra) *featuring Haldir and the Sons of Elrond

Political stuff

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

It could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also -- like any
good bartender -- engage in appropriate conversation.

So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him
a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150." And the robot proceeds to make
conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic
chemistry, and so on.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns
around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking,
but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and
asks, "What's your IQ?"   The man replies, "50"

And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

<< no, i lied. but its awesome. i want to . go kerry! (and its KRISTEN saying this

btw. ) yeah all of this has been me. haley has no life anymore. hey- she said it herself

de button is from http://www.stateradio.com

^^^that should be a link^^^^

CAMPAIGN 2000 - JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT

Hard Working Depp Fan on October 16, 2000:

Hey there, all you Red-Blooded Americans!

Our Johnny has been spending far too much time away from his homeland, and it's time to lure him back to the good ol' U.S. of A.!

And what better way than to elect Johnny

THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!

So hop on the bandwagon, and join in the grassroots movement to bring Johnny back home. Remember our Motto:

"JOHNNY DEPP FOR PRESIDENT!"
"Why Trash Hotel Rooms When You Can Trash The Oval Office?"

from home page

song of the week:

Brad:i was alone, my daddy was alone, you were still by my side (where was that 3ed chord i wanted?-

Chad: you wanted the a minor didnt you?

Brad: i did want the a minor) where were you- i dont know peter what did he say ooohh?

Pete: he said. standin at your storefront on friday morning i felt like a fool in the rain, i was, hard-out, cut-up, i was stinkin like a fat ol'pig

Brad: like a fat ol'pig?!

Pete: yeah i was just a little

Brad: ooohhhoohhooh

Pete: just a man without any home, i didnt want to leave you, i didnt want to be left

(Brad: he was stinkin like a fat ol'pig yes he was, stinkin like a fat ol' pig yes he was, he was stinkin like a fat ol' pig yes he was)

ooohooohoohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

3/18/05
grr dont wanna update----added to and deleted from randomness. uhhthats about it. love yas all who signed my guestbook!
3/10/05

extremely sick of updating. think i may stop. but then u wouldnt know what to look for. hmm. desicions desicions. added to little did i know... with fillo facts. adding to randomness with well, random things. think im gonna have a song of the week up there^^^ this week shall be hey mickey (hey mickey!). ooh i just had a good idea. all the old stuff will fo to the comming soon page, and ill rename that something else. like, all the stuff that takes up a lot of space that u dont need to see every time you go to one page! yes! gotta get workin...

3/4/05

Added to randomness..brita did the other day too. she also added Guster to 'spatch.'ster,'dio and others page, previously Dispatch n'such, previously Dispatch.

Today i added 50 things to do at walmart (not from stacys site- i found it on my own) and 20 things to say to telemarketers to FunStuff page (after fun vot-ey stuff).

think i did somthing else that i cant remember...

2/17/05

Mr Jellyfish is over a year old! i dont have the exact date of when it was started- but the 1st update was february 11 of last year. So happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear mr J man, happy birthday to you (and many mooore) Well I think its come a long way, thanks to all of you who have been with us through it. (haha yeah- all 5 of you). Im hoping this year will be better, and that people will actually like the site.

2/16/05n

Changed "...and more randomness" to "Little Did I know..." b/c i never liked the first name anyway. I found a funky "NEW!" icon that i had fun with thanks to stacy wanting to know who invented q-tips (answer to that one on randomness pg). Found some interesting things about whats best to wipe your "arse" with, and a great quote from a story about lepracahuns. (yes i know i cant spell). thats about it 4 today.

2/15/05

Added mucho polls. Edited stuff. yeah... dont feel like writing.

1/28/05

yeas- feeling like wanting to be wanted. So im changing it all around. girlworld changed to "...and more randomness" , but girlworld paragraph is on it. also, added "terrifying childrens movies" to that page. any additions? lol theres soo many...

dont forget to sign guestbook! loveya

1/27/05

I worked on it yesterday too....but uh i didn't update. I put the girl-world page in place of "jellyfull stuff" cuz i know no one really cared about that. (hell, i didnt even care about it). The stories have been moved to randomness. And randomness has been upated. I'm adding a google whack sectin- send me ur winners (or post them in the guestbook and ill add them to the regular site asap). uh i think thats it...mucho love to all.

1/8/05

FINALLY figured out what to put on that page- Elias fund. (i will love you forever if you donate!) also added someting else wich i cant remember...oh yeah..i updated Dispatch page w/stuff stolen from www.foundationsrecords.com check it out- its awesome! and if we didnt steal stuff you'd never know 1/2 of it existed so  peace and love

kristen

1/7/05

added more special google-y stuff, STILL trying to figure out what to put on that page! if someone doesnt say something soon its gonna get ugly- we have dirt on a lot of you out there and that seems to be the only interesting thing we can think of! (ho kai- i can) lol jk. no blackmail on this site. but c'mon- does anyone ever even come on here anymore?

12/13/04

heyhey. i added daniel radcliffe to the list of HP actores (lol yes- it did take about ayear)

and so. thats about it. haleys kinda gone- i guess you all know that. :*(

so its just me now. anyone got ideas about what to put on that extra page?

12/6/04

trying to add moosic to background- worked once then tried to get

hale bopps opinion and then it didnt work (i didnt get mosic or opinon :*( no one loves me)

10/22/04

wow haven't updated in forever! hey these colors are hard to read. oh well sixs

for you then, doesnt it? well i'm trying to edite the fun stuff page, but free webs

had to get all frikkin tecnical and have a load-y thing that WONT LOAD!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

yeah when i hit "edit paragraph" it was like webs somehting loading and it

ahs one of thise bars that move when they load stuff.. and theres just too mucho in

that paragraph so it WONT FRIKKIN LOAD! grrr. i'll try jsut leving it,,, then mayb ei can have

something to update you guys on. well what i'm trying ot put is a banner thind that says

"John Kerry Is a Douchebag But I'm Voting For Him Anyway" yeha its pretty funny.

so gotta go try to get that up. cya.

peace and posivitity

-- kristin

9/6/7

yeah some stuff was done yesterday but i didnt write it down!

so heres what up: Dispatch page is up and running. I LOVE IT!!!!!! I'm gonna go to my own site just

to see the yummyfullness. (Very into the term "full" at the moment!)

Jelly Tales have moved to Jellyfull Stuff (new-ish page) in place of the Dear Jelly and Jelly Tales pages.

All the contents are still there, they're just on a different page.

ciao for now my peeps

9/1 (holy crud its september!)

Movie reviews are at the bottom of the fun stuff page and their page was deleted, the Dispatch page is in their place, check it out!

its awesome and i don't have time now but hopefully tomorrow i will be able to get some pictures on before i go to DC--peace and love- mr j

8/16

very into pink at the moment. my pink cons are in the mail! yey!

wow we haven't worked on this in a very long time.

well i changed randomness around a little (still wanting to delete

the beatles pictures..but she'd kill me if i did) (thats not even how

you spell "beatles"! Its Beetles! i didnt know that until i watched

That Thing You Do. Good times man, good times) anyway, does

anyone even come here anymore? I'm gonna work on here for a

half hour, change things around and delete the old stuff we don't

need anymore. anyone got anything new? or something they hate

they dont want to see anymore?? email! EMAIL! EMAIL!

6/25

yeas i am french today! zere iz no particular reason except i have just been

informed zat I will not be taking french...zee most romantic of languagez.

sadsad thiange. i must now instead take ittalian so i will speak withs zee

accent for zee time being. anyway what iz supposed to be here iz newz of

zis site...we have not been up on our site-keeping due to several

computeral difficulties. we appologize and bring news zat we are here now

to serve yough. what we have learned from johnny depp iz being added to

fun stuff as well as a song parody to LOTR and a bunch of other stuff that

we are yet to decide on. Also dispatch will soon be honored on zis site

becauze we simply adore zhem!!! zey are beau-tifuul

5/12

Added to the ramdomness/quotes today... in the process of addding

"what we've learned from Johnny Depp" to the fun stuff page

and that's gonna be all stuff we came up with- with help and

imput from you of course! think thats about it..

5/5

Sexy Cartoon characters up an running on the Fav. Actors page.

We're going to have a discussion on friday, 5/7, at 4:00 for all Deppheads

(Johnny Depp lovers) that is visit this page. Be there or be square! Just stay on the

home page an login to the chat at the bottom, (a window pops up asking for your login name- type

something creative!!) and chat. oh and all the iconator things are as of now- dead and

buried. they're too annoying

4/27

umm-trying to add a guestmap.... must ask the Twins how they did it.....

going to add a Sexy Cartoon Chatacters page, haven't done it yet but

if i put down that i did then i should do it eventually...

4/9

Added a whole bunch of stuff. In the Fun Stuff page, under fun stuffies

i added a lot of funkkydelic Optical Illusions. Also, under Fav Actors I

added lots of Orly Icons/Blinkies. Moreto come, I got the whole day out

so I'll be workin.

4/6

Cleanin up. we've got lotsa emails that this site is confusin an too all-over-the-place. we'll resrtict

Pirates to their paragraph too, if itll make u feel better jess. also, we're takin out all the mabobs

that only show up 1/2 the time.okydoky then???

Remember to e-mail MrJellyfish1234@aol.com wit questions and comments

2/27?

Idunno. its a saturday. We added Yummy Tummy to the fun stuff and beatles and more qoutes

to randomness. People- oyu gotta write back!!! We need opinions and sugestions! It's the only way

this site will get better. So ya. Oh- more fun stuff is on its way- we gots a scanner now! eehehe.

Tell MR Jellyfish celerberties u like or despise, we'll get their pic up for you. We have fun with

the despied celbs. You'll see.. so far we have Britney Spears and 50 Cent... They're not up yet tho.. Theyll be in fun stuff.

Email MrJellyfish1234@aol.com with stuff!

2/11/04

HEY! we're gonna start puttin updates on here. so ya. we added a few more quiz results and a spoof "Johnny Depp

For President" to the Fun Stuff page. Check it out! Oh- and write to us and tell us what to add or what you'd like to see

on our page. MrJellyfish1234@aol.com lookin foward to hearin from u!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ORLANDO!!! 1/13/04

sexy pictures

Synopsis

For the roguish yet charming Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp), the crystalline waters of the Caribbean, like the high seas the world over, present a vast playground where adventure and mystery abound. But Jacks idyllic life capsizes after his nemesis, the wily Captain Barbossa (Rush), steals his ship, the Black Pearl, and later attacks the town of Port Royal, kidnapping the Governors (Pryce) beautiful daughter, Elizabeth Swann (Knightley). Elizabeths childhood friend, Will Turner (Bloom), joins forces with Jack to commandeer the fastest ship in the British fleet, the HMS Interceptor, in a gallant attempt to rescue her and recapture the Black Pearl. The duo and their motley crew are pursued by Elizabeths betrothed, the debonair, ambitious Commodore Norrington (Davenport), aboard the HMS Dauntless. Unbeknownst to Will, there is a curse that has doomed Barbossa and his crew to live forever as the undead, where each moonlight, they are transformed into living skeletons. The curse they carry can be broken only if a once-plundered treasure is restored. Stunning visual effects bring these formidable foes to life as our valiant heroes clash mightily with Barbossa and his invincible pirates of the Caribbean.

That is an increadibly cool pic with johnny in a flag! totally awesome!
;





from "fun stuff" page

Anamations (movey things)

check out www.full-bloom.net for more Orly anamations- they have cool

ones but "hotlinking is not allowed" nah-nah-nah

                 <<<GOTTA GO!!!!!

Dispatch is the best band EVER

and they wil be sorely missed! *tears* (no, that one was not scarcastic! DISPATCH ROCKS!)

MOVIE REVIEWS

Rockin Awesome Movies

summeries and comments are welcome additions:

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN! hott guys, drunk guys, pirates, an actually NEW and ORIGIONAL story line. Its got a lil bit of everything for everyone. but its a rockin awesome movie.

Harry Potter Series. They rock. End Of.

And more recently:

Finding Neverland (this should have won an oscar! DAMN YOU OSCAR-DAMN YOU!)

Troy

Aladdin

Anastasia

Zenon (hehe!) (but hey- if you havent seen this you- you gotta. its a must)

Under The Tuscan Sun

Bend It Like Beckham

Secret Window

The Day After Tomorrow

Mean Girls

A Cinderella Story (damn chads hot!)

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Lord Of The Rings (yes the whole series)

Josie And The Pussycats

Moulin Rouge

Tuck Everlasting

A Walk To Remember

French Kiss

American Outlaws

Uptown Girls

Almost Famous

The Recruit

Titanic

Domestic Disturbance

School Of Rock

Model Behavior

Three Musketeers

Bruce Almighty

MovieSummeries-AriStyle

Titanic- We're on a big ship! (I dont want to be here) (WOW I'm SO LUCKY TO BE HERE!) I love you! I love you! I cant be in love with you! Ahhhhhh the ships sinking! Noooooooooooooo Don't die! *up* - he's dead- waddayagonnado? I'll always remember him..........

Tuck Everlasting- I'm Gonna live forever! (You wern't supposed to hear that!) SO I'll kidnap you! YA! Now I love you! I love you too! Live forever with me! No-she cant! Yes-she can! It;s her desicion! *up*- she died- whddayagonnado? I'll always remember her.............

Moulin Rouge- I'm a cortasan! I'm a penniless man who loves you! I love you too! We musn't! We did! lets try to fool everyone into thinking we dont love one another! no, i'll fool YOU too! I love you again! Me too! *up*- she died- waddayagonnado? I'll always remember her..............

Things to Do or Say to...

As follows:

20 things to say to telemarketers
9 things I hate about man kind
19 things to do in a public restroom
How to drive other people insane
Questions that have confused mankind
50 Things to do at Walmart
108 things to do in an elevator

20 Things To Say To Telemarketers:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

ok- at my birthday party we were about to sing happy birthday to (me) and a telemarketer called. I said "yeah, welll its my birthday party and " really valley-girlish and the dude was like "oh! im so sorry! well call you back later at a more convient time! have a happy birthday!"

even if its not your birthday- DO IT! see if theyre courteious or not. have fun laughing after over kahula cake and soda.

9 Things I Hate About Mankind

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $15 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks: "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

19 Things to do in a Public Restroom:

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with apple juice. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Oooh, you might want to get
a doctor to check that out"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

How TO Drive Other People Insane:

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1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars
   to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be:
   'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or
   'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
   that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair
   dancing.

6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
   their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the
    entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12) Dont use any punctuation

13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

14) Ask people what sex they are.

15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

16) Sing along at the opera.

17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them
    one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is
    the opposite gender.)

19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For
    example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party 'cause
    you're not in the mood'.

Questions That Have Confused Mankind:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

50 Things To Do At WalMart:

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them 'Bob', and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "The customer is always right dammit!!" Make a scene.

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. Climb things.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to "boobs".

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a 'Shnerple' looks like to assist them.

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as 'A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline'.

47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SKETCHY CONTENT!!!

♥

108 things to do in an elevator

1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.

3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".

6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

9) Shave.

10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off

13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

16) One word: Flatulence!

17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

18) Do Tai Chi exercises.

19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.

22) Meow occasionally.

23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

31) Leave a box between the doors.

32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

34) Start a sing-along.

35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

36) Play the harmonica.

37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.

38) Lean against the button panel.

39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

42) Bring a chair along.

43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

44) Blow spit bubbles.

45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?"

52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"

53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes

53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.

54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"

55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea

56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you

57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax

58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"

59) Have sex with your imaginary friend

60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you

61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"

62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia

63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"

64) Perform a striptease

65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"

66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever

67) Let your mobile phone ring - dont anwser it.

68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first. Does anyone want some?"

69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.

70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days"

71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor

72)Paint the walls of the lift.

73) On entering, ask the passengers if they want to be your friend. Burst into tears if they say no.

74) Stop the lift and say "twenty years in prison for murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two hours. Just my luck!"

75) Get back to nature - go in naked

76) Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over"

77) Announce in a computer like voice "this lift will self destruct in 5 4 3 2 .....oh heres my floor"

78) Serve tea and coffee

79) Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when the others dont

80) Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.

81) Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too

82) Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right

83) As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

84) Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50

85) Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a horse"

86) Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly affective if you are dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in an emergency

87) Yodel

88) Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other passengers skin and say "ooh, look at your pores"

89) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and over again.

90) Ask the others "Do you mind if I do my eminem impression?", then bring out a chainsaw and a mask.

91) Try breakdancing

92) Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next to you "you lookin' at me?"

93) Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".

94) Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.

95) Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking "do you wanna try this one?"

96) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "it is time..."

97) Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"

98) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

99) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

100) Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

New! Added 27th April 2002. With thanks to John

101) Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.

102) Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.

103) Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it again in exactly the same tone of voice.

104) Strip naked and ask if 'your' (not my) bum looks big in this dress.

105) Release cockroaches and rats or doves.

106) Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

107) Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover yourself with foam.

108) Blast out some heavy metal music (Rammstein or Disturbed oughtta do the trick) sing along, while headbanging.

~*theres no high like the General*~

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stories, articles, stuff

As follows:

1. dumb RI laws

2. the secret diary of legolas

3. the dating game middle earth style

Dumb Rhode Island Laws

It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years. (KEWL!)
Impersonating a town sealer, auctioneer, corder of wood, or a fence-viewer is against the law. Penalty: $20 to $100 fine.

It is illegal to place a windmill within twenty-five (25) rods of any traveled street or road.

Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.

Exercising any labor, business, or work, or using any game, sport, play, or recreation, or causing any of the above to be done to or by your children, servants, or apprentices on the first day of the week (Sunday) results in a penalty of $5 for the first offense and $10 for the second.

Professional sports, except ice polo and hockey, must obtain a license to play games on Sunday.

Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. -SECTION 11-40-1

It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged.

It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

Newport

You cannot smoke a pipe after sunset.

Providence

There is not an appeals process for exemtion of property tax due to a disability or poverty.

It is illegal to wear transparent clothing.

You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

West Warwick

It is illegal to use water on even-numbered days for the sole purpose of watering plants, gardens, or lawns. If you break this law there is a fine of $25-$100

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS

By Cassandra Claire
(Used by permission of the author.)

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.
I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by far.
Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.
Day 33:
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

The Very Secret Diary of Legolas, Chapter Two:

Day One: Whee!
Day Two: I like to run!
Day Three: I look good when I run!
Day Four: I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good exercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?
Day Six: Is Gimli staring at my butt?
Day Seven: No wonder he's always lagging behind.
Day Eight: Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.
Day Nine: Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.
Still prettiest.
Day Ten: Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.
Day Eleven: Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?
Day Twelve: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never date Gandalf.
Day Fifteen: Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V. bitter.
Day Nineteen: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.
Day Twenty: Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.
Day Twenty-seven: Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!
Day Twenty-nine: Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."
Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.
Day Twenty-Nine: Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.
Day Thirty: Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.
Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!

The Dating Game: Middle-Earth Style
by Aly Took

Round 1: Elves and Men

We start at the set of "The Dating Game". On one side of a wall, sits one empty chair, and on the other, three chairs with three nervous-looking bachelors in them. They're all sitting and shifting their weight, fidgeting or twiddling their thumbs, anxious to start the game. The camera zooms in as the host begins the show.

"Hello, and welcome to 'The Dating Game'. Tonight is our special fellowship edition. Let's meet our bachelors." The camera moves on to the first bachelor, as the host continues. "Bachelor number one, tell us a little about yourself."

The man was wearing almost all black from head to toe. He was sitting very straight and proper in his chair, paying full attention. As he spoke, he almost sounded like he was bragging. "My name is Aragorn, and I'm heir to the throne of Gondor," he said proudly.

"I see. Well, tell us, why are you a member of the fellowship?"

He thought for a moment. "Well, you see, I need emotional support. I'm insecure and constantly need people to tell me, 'Of course you'll be a great king! You're not like Isilidur.' Oh, and I told Frodo that he had my sword. So I guess I need to come along and carry it for him."
"He's too short, you see," he added.

"Uh huh - ok then. Bachelor number two, tell us a little about yourself. Why are you a member of the fellowship?"

The elf sat straight and tall with his legs crossed and his hands neatly folded in his lap. As he spoke, he had a perky smile on his face and almost seemed to bounce with the emphasis on each of his words. "My name is Legolas Greenleaf, Elf Prince of Mirkwood."

"Ooh, more royalty," added the host.

"Yes, and I'm in the fellowship because it needed a little class. I saw everyone else who was joining, and thought to myself, 'You're prettier than them, I'm sure they could use you as an attractive way to forget the certain doom of the world.' You know?" he continued.

"Well, we're in for an interesting game tonight. Bachelor number three, do we wanna know who you are or why you're in the fellowship?"

Another man sat slumped down in his chair with an angry stare on his face. His words had a rash and nasty tone to them. "I'm Boromir, and I'm in the fellowship to represent Gondor," he said sternly.

"Aragorn doesn't do that?"

"Who?" he asked with a confused look.

"Aragorn, the one that said he was king of Gondor."

"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king," Boromir answered harshly.

"Hmm - well, let's get started. Let's meet our bachelorette, Arwen Evenstar. Come on out, Arwen."

Arwen walks out with an excited smile on her face and takes a seat in the empty chair.

"Tell us a little about yourself."

"Well, I'm an elf, from Rivendell. And I'm hoping to meet the man, or elf, of my dreams tonight."

"Then it's a good thing we didn't invite any hobbits!" the host teased. "Alright Arwen, you can start with your questions now. You know how to play, right?"

"Of course! Now, bachelor number one, what are you looking for most in a relationship?"

"Well, a queen I guess. I need some one to bear me an heir. I'm gonna be king!" he said, quite enthusiastically.

"Uh huh - bachelor number two, same question."

"Ooh! I want someone to share my beauty secrets with!" Legolas nearly shouted.

"O - k? Bachelor number three, same question I guess."

"I want someone to blow my horn of Gondor."

The audience burst into laughter.

"What? I'm tired of blowing my own horn!" he said, not understanding the audience's amusement.

Trying to hold back her laughter, Arwen continues. "Bachelor number one, what would you do if you got the ring?"

"Oh, well I'd wear it. Kings wear a lot of gold you see. And like I said, I'm a king."

"Bachelor number two, same question," she said, not interested in the rest of his answer.

"I'd give it to my best friend! Cuz that's what friends do! Besides, gold doesn't go well with my complexion, and I'm pretty enough as it is. I'm sure they could use it."

"Hmm - bachelor number three?"

"I'd rule the world with it. Do you have the ring? Give it to me! Give me the ring!"

"Huh - alright then. Moving on. Bachelor number one, what's your idea of a perfect date?"

"Easy. We'd start off polishing my crown together, see, cuz kings wear crowns. And like I said, I'm a king. Then we'd talk more about me being king, and then I'd see to it that she would bear me an heir," he said, with a sly grin, even though she couldn't see him.

"Bachelor number two!" she shouted, pretending not to hear what had just been said.

"Oh, well, first we'd get our hair done, and then we'd do each other's nails and share embarrassing stories! Ooh! Then we'd play truth or dare!" he added, nearly jumping out of the chair, unable to contain his excitement.

"That's nice. Bachelor number three?" she asked, not sure she really wanted to know.

After a long silence he responded. "What the heck am I doing here, anyway? No one will ever go out with me! I'm too much of a jerk!" he yelled, as he ran offstage crying.

"Yeah, I could tell," Arwen said. "Well, one down."

"Could we hurry this up? I have a facial scheduled in half an hour." Legolas asked.

"Gladly," she said. "Bachelor number one, what were your thoughts when Frodo said he'd take the ring to Mordor?"

"Well, I figured that if I help out, people will think I'm brave. So I should probably help, cuz kings are supposed to be brave."

"Well you're persistent. Bachelor number two?"

"I figured I should help because I needed a tan, and my leggings weren't fitting as well as they used to, so I needed to get out and do some walking. You know?"

"You mean your pretty boy tights that you like to nance around in?" Aragorn asked, teasingly.

"They're leggings, I'll have you know. And I don't nance!" Legolas said in return.

"You do too!" Aragorn insisted.

"Do not! I run! I do NOT nance!" Legolas demanded.

"Do so," Aragorn said, just loud enough for Legolas to hear.

"I'll bet," Arwen said, ending the argument. "Um, bachelor number one, what is your best feature?" She dared to ask, knowing she'd end up regretting it.

"My royal bloodline, of course. Because it's royal. Cuz you see..."

"You're a king! I get it! Bachelor number two?"

"My hair! No! My ability to pick the perfect outfit! No! My flawless porcelain-like skin! Oh jeez, I can't decide!"

"Mmm hmm..."

"Oh no! I'm late for my appointment, I have to go now!" Legolas called as he, too, jumped out of his chair and left the stage.

"See? He completely just nanced out of here," Aragorn said, still determined to prove his point.

"Don't worry about that! Bachelor number one, you're our winner! Come on out," the host said.

Arwen closed her eyes as Aragorn walked out in front of her.

"Surprise!" he yelled.

Her smile faded as she recognized him. "Ok, let's get this date over with now."

"Were you surprised?" he asked with a huge smile on his face.

"Sure, whatever, now let's go."

"So, do you love me?" he asked in a pathetic voice.

"Woah, slow down now! Don't expect me to give up my immortality or anything," she said as she dragged him offstage, obviously in a hurry to finish this.

"What a cute couple! Stay tuned for our next round. The hobbits!" the host said.

Round 2: Hobbits

"Welcome back to the show!" the host said as the lights came up and the cameras moved in to begin the next round. "We're now going to start our hobbit round, which is a little different because now we have four bachelors instead of just three trying to win the date with our lucky hobbit bachelorette. Let's meet them now. Bachelor number one, who are you and why are you in the fellowship?"

Now taking the attention off the ring that he held out in his hand for no apparent reason, the hobbit answered. "I'm Frodo of the Shire, and I'm in the fellowship because I am the ringbearer. I'm the one that volunteered to take the ring to Mordor. All the dwarves, men, and even elves were pansies. Especially that Legolas guy."

"So we saw," the host quipped. "Bachelor number two, who are you and why are you in the fellowship?"

The second hobbit sat a little slumped in his chair with his arms crossed. He occasionally looked over at Frodo to be sure that his friend was still there, safe and sound. "I'm Samwise Gamgee, and I'm in the fellowship to protect Mr. Frodo. Plus, I really didn't want Gandalf to turn me into anything unnatural, and I figured this was the only way to keep myself safe."

"Probably a good idea. Bachelor number three, how about you?"

Sitting leaned slightly to one side, as if trying to escape the hobbit to the left of him, he answered, "I'm Merry Brandybuck, and I'm in the fellowship because...um...I really don't know why. I guess I just didn't want to stay at home."

"Oh, all right then. Bachelor number four?"

Sitting in the same fashion as Merry, slightly leaned towards his right, he responded, "I'm Pippin Took, and I joined the fellowship..."

"Cuz you're a clone," Merry snapped before Pippin could finish.

"What are you talking about?" Pippin asked, looking directly at Merry.

"You only joined the fellowship cuz I did! Admit it! If I hadn"t joined, you wouldn't have!"

"That's not true! And I think YOU joined just because I did!" Pippin yelled.

They went on for a few minutes arguing like this until the host spoke. "Knock it off you two! We don't care! Let's just start this game! Can we bring out our bachelorette, Rosie Cotton?"

Hearing her cue, Rosie walked out calmly and sat in the empty chair that was left for her. After taking her seat, she just sat and smiled, waiting for the host to begin the game.

"Can you tell us a little about yourself?"

"My name is Rosie Cotton, and I'm here tonight because you asked me to be. You said that you'd pay me to come on the show and take out some loser for just one night."

"Moving on!" the host said, with a nervous laugh, "Would you like to begin asking you're questions now, Rosie?"

"Sure. Bachelor number one, how do you react to people that call you 'vertically challenged'?"

"I simply tell them that power can be held in the smallest of things," he said very matter-of-factly.

"Well you're optimistic. Bachelor number two?"

"I hit them with my frying pan. I like that frying pan. Comes in handy a lot."

"Well then, that's nice," she said, caught off-guard by the response.

"Bachelor number three, how do you react?"

"Actually, I'm not all that short anymore. Not since I met up with the ents. Since drinking the draft, I've become quite tall."

"Me too!" chimed Pippin.

"Um, you're not supposed to give any hints towards your identity, gentlemen. Just keep that in mind," the host corrected.

"Bachelor number one, if you could be any kid of vegetable, what would you be?"

A little curious as to what that question had to do with anything, Frodo answered, "I'd be an onion."

"May I ask why?" Rosie questioned.

A grin grew on Frodo's face. "Because you can make it into rings!"

"Alrighty then," she said, rolling her eyes at the bad joke, "Bachelor number two?"

"Hmm, well I know a lot about vegetables, and, after workin' with 'em all day, I know that I wouldn't wanna be one of any kind."

"Could you just humor me, please?" Rosie asked.

"Oh alright, I guess I'd be corn."

"Why corn?"

"I dunno! I just named a random vegetable!"

"Ok, ok! You don't have to get angry! Bachelor number three?"

"Oh I'd definitely be a carrot. They're just so...carrot-like."

"I see. Interesting - bachelor number four?"

"Ooh! I'd be a mushroom!" he said without pausing.

"Mushrooms are actually a fungus," Frodo corrected.

"Like you, you fungus! You ARE a mushroom!" Merry shouted.

"Don't start that again!" the host warned. "Rosie, continue please."

"All right. Bachelor number one, what do you like to do at parties?"

He chuckled to himself and grinned, "I like to see how many laughs I can get by doing the chicken dance. The lasses seem to love it!"

"Good for you. Bachelor number two, what do you do at parties?"

"I usually just have an ale. And then another. And then another. And then..."

"I think I get it. And bachelor number three? How about you?"

"I check out the food! Can never have too much food at a party, and I'm the judge of it!"

"Ok then. Bachelor number four?"

"I like to see what kind of mischief I can make. I like to do the wrong thing at the wrong time."

"Uh huh. Bachelor number one, if you could compare yourself to any kind of animal, what would it be?"

"A DEER!" he answered very enthusiastically. "ONE THAT'S STUCK IN HEADLIGHTS!"

Rosie jumped at the sudden volume change in his voice. "Ok then. That's awfully interesting. And bachelor number two?"

"You like to do these comparisons, don't ya?"

"Just answer the question," the host said.

"Fine then. I've been told that I'm a lot like a teddy bear cuz I'm always looking like I need a hug."

A little surprised at this answer which was so unexpected after the 'frying pan' one, Rosie continued. "Bachelor number three?"

"Oh I would have to say a rabbit. There's just so many connections! I mean, big furry feet, lives in a hole, likes carrots. Definitely a rabbit."

"And bachelor number four, how about you?"

"I don't really know. I haven't put much thought into it before. I guess I could say..."

"A COPY-CAT!" Merry shouted, again before Pippin could answer.

"No! I was going to say a dog, because I'm loyal."

"And you like to scratch yourself in public!" Merry added.

"Alright, that's it!" Pippin yelled as he and Merry both jumped out of their chairs. Pippin ran at Merry, who responded by simply stepping to the side. Pippin fell into the audience then jumped up and brushed himself off as if he had intended to miss. "I'm ok!" he said, heading back for his chair.
"Rats," Merry said under his breath.

"Let's not have any more of that or you're both out of here!" the host yelled. "Rosie, try to hurry it up, please."

"Ok, last question. Bachelor number one, what is your favorite thing to do with your spare time?"

"I like to have conversations with my precious - I mean, my ring. I'll talk to it, and it will whisper something to me in the language of Mordor. I like trying to guess what it is saying!"

"That's something you don't hear everyday. Bachelor number two?"

"I like to practice my 'For the love of the shire! I need a hug!' look. If I do it right, it works every time!"

"Hmm, that's nice. Bachelor number three?"

"I like to go through Farmer Maggot's garden and look for - "

"Carrots, mmm hmm. Got it. Bachelor number four?"

"I also like to go through Farmer Maggot's garden, but I don't look for carrots."

"GET YOUR OWN FAVORITE PASSTIME AND QUITE COPYING ME!" Merry yelled at Pippin, jumping up in rage.

"IF I WAS BACHELOR NUMBER THREE, YOUR ANSWERS WOULD BE COPYING ME!" was all Pippin could think to shout in response.

"Oh yeah?" Merry asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah!" Pippin (not so cleverly) retorted.

"Bring it!" Merry yelled as he leapt at Pippin. They fell to the floor punching and kicking each other. Security came and separated them, with great effort. The two were still trying to attack one another while being dragged off the set.

"Rosie, just pick so we can end this insanity!" the host desperately shouted.

"Ok, ok! I pick, uuuum..."

Shouts of "Pick number two!" and, "Number one is a hottie!" were heard from the audience.

"Um, I pick, Bachelor number one!" Rosie said, responding to the loudest and most numerous of the audience's opinions.

"Rosie, prepare to meet your bachelor!" the host said, as Rosie covered her eyes with both hands. Frodo walked around to the side of the wall where Rosie was. Sam instinctively got up and followed him. When she sensed someone standing in front of her, Rosie opened her eyes. She was a little confused when she saw two hobbits there instead of just one.

"Um, which one of you is Bachelor number one?" she asked.

"Huh?" Frodo questioned, unaware that Sam had followed him. Now seeing that he wasn't alone, he turned to Sam. "Go back Sam! I'm going on this date alone."

"Of course you are! And I'm coming with you!" Sam responded. "It's something Gandalf said! 'Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee!' And I don't mean to. I don't mean to," Sam said, with tears coming on.

"Oh Sam!" Frodo said as he hugged his misty-eyed companion. "You can come if you like! I'm sorry I tried to leave you!"

"Um, guys?" Rosie said, still confused. "So, which one of you is bachelor number one?"

"Oh, that's me," Frodo responded, breaking away from Sam. "My name's Frodo Baggins - er - Underhill. Frodo Underhill."

"I'm Rosie. And this is?" she asked, now looking at Sam.

"Oh, that's Sam. He's coming with us on our date."

"Is he now? Well, all right then. If you insist," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

The three then walked offstage and headed out of the studio. Frodo suddenly remembered that he'd left his precious ring sitting on his chair back inside. He ran in to get it. When he had it once more, he put the chain around his neck again, and ran offstage and tried to catch up. Unfortunately, his 'natural grace' kicked in just as he ran out of the studio door and he fell flat on his face.

"How many times has he fallen now?" Rosie asked.

"Um, I think that makes nine," Sam answered.

"Well, this guy just has bad luck, doesn't he?"

"I'm all right! I'm not hurt!" Frodo said, standing up once again. "Shall we?" he asked, walking on. They then met Bill the Pony who was waiting for them in the parking lot. Frodo helped Rosie into the saddle on the pony's back as he and Sam walked along side them. The camera goes back to the host as they began to speak again.
"Thank God that's over. Stay tuned for our next round!"

~*theres no high like the General*~