I woke up at 5:00 am and wandered around the house, ending up in Z's bed. Fell asleep. In my dream he came into his room and led me into the kitchen.
"Zack!!! Are you okay? Are you alright?"
Laughter. "You know I am, mom."
I grab his arm. I could feel it. It is solid and true. "I know you hate how I always ask this, but could I hold you?"
Laugher. "Sure mom."
My arms around him. His hair on my cheek, his skinny arms around my waist. He has a shiny blue button down shirt. "Where'd you get the shirt?"
"You know, down there." -him
"Down there??? What???"-me
Laugher. "Just joking. Up there. Everywhere. You know."
He is smiling. I don't notice braces. I don't think our mouths are moving but we are talking to each other. He tells me all sorts of things. He visits us three times a day, average, and he sees Grandpa Bob and Art and Thad, and Thad comes here, too. "She" ? works him a bit, there's always something to do, but he can't tell me what he does..."Let's just say I work in construction..." wild laughter erupts.
I get the impression that "She" is a spirit guide or teacher.
He walks me back to his room. I can hear his footsteps. He climbs into bed and snuggles in his blanket, curling up. Jada come walking in, and when I look at where he was, it's just a pile of blankets. She doesn't see him. I then wake up.
I break down and rage in Zack's room. I demand that he come back. I curse God and life and I cry for what seems like hours. That night he show's up in my dream, silent, and again I hug him.
2/18/05
This one is different. I'm at a ball game with Jada and Zack and he climbs up into the stands. I know it is a miracle, and I know that he is dead. Jada pushes on him and he topples over -- I run/climb to him. I am so happy, We go home and my mom is there -- we're all smiling, and we talk about how real this is -- it can't be a dream, it's too real -- and we didn't seem to notice it wasn't our house. For a while, Zack was a baby again. I thought about how we were a family of four and we'd just adopt one more. We called a doctor who came over and checked Z out, then checked my lungs and gave me a shot. We noticed bruising on Z's neck and thought we should go to the hospital. Meanwhile, I thought we should call Travis -- after all, it would be a shocker for him to come home and see Zack is back! We tried to use the phone, but wouldn't work...then I woke up. The best part of the dream? seeing you smile...you had braces, green jacket on...holding you both as a teen and as a baby.
I've been told that real bloggers blog every day.
I can't honestly say that I'd want to do that...my ramblings don't necessarily belong on this website. HOWEVER, I thought I'd use this space to post some of the awesome dreams I've had of Zack. If you, too have had dreams of him, please respond and share them. I'd love to read about them.
For the longest time, the dreams were very fragmented. Small, momentary dreams. He'd come into the kitchen and let me hug him. He doesn't say anything, but I can feel your arms around me. In another I try to make you talk and you say, "I don't know."
