Zachary "Moose" Triplett

In 5th grade, Zack was caught playing "spin the bottle" at school and had to write the following essay as punishment.  I had no idea kissing was so gross!  Enjoy!

I’m sorry that I played spin the bottle and I realize that it was wrong.  The only reason that I did it was because all of my friends did.  It was stupid of me to play.  I know it is wrong to kiss on the school yard even if it was just on the hand.  I didn’t kiss anyone and no one kissed me.  I also know I’m getting to that age where I want to do this kind of stuff.  As I’m getting older, I’m getting smarter and dumber when it comes to this kind of thing.  Maybe it’s just the way I am.  But, anyway, kids shouldn’t be doing things like that.  We’re just kids!  It wasn’t very smart of me but I wasn’t thinking.  I’m just a mindless 5^th grader. 

Once again, I’m sorry.  I’ll never do it again.  And I’m mad at myself for doing it.  I was scared that I would get caught and I don’t know why I listened to my friends.  I knew I couldn’t escape the teacher’s ever-watching eye.   So, let’s see, I’ve ruined my reputation, and gotten in serious trouble!  When I was little, I never thought about this kind of thing.  I never liked that before.  I thought it was gross.  I used to hate girls.  For some reason, my brain wasn’t working that day.  Now, here I am, sitting out because I was stupid and I played spin the bottle and I regret it.

I realize that kissing isn’t very good for your health.  For all we know, that person could have the flu or the cold, or even scabies!  Kissing someone could mean no school for a week!  Bad hygene won’t help you at all in life.  Unless you want people to think you’re gross.  Now that I think about it, kissing is gross.  You have no idea what kinds of germs other people have!  Getting sick is bad, especially if it’s from another person.  I mean, it’s okay if you’ve been dating for six years but otherwise stay away from kisses! 

Playing spin the bottle was a stupid idea anyway – I’m lucky no one kissed me and I didn’t kiss anyone.  The people who did kiss are probably covered with other people’s germs.  I now know how gross kissing is and I’ll never do it in school again.  It was dumb of me to do it – you don’t know how many germs that other person has.  I bet the people who did kiss will be sick.  It isn’t very smart to kiss at a young age unless you know the person really well – if you do, you’ll regret it.  Good hygene is essential, especially at eleven.  I’m an idiot for playing.  It’s really gross how many germs you can get.  I’m very sorry.

with thanks to Harper's Magazine... 

1.       A song about cheese and how it is really good bus sometimes too hot.  So hot it could burn the top of your mouth off!

2.       A song about a man ordering a burrito and being extremely intimidated by the burrito’s size.  Like Gordo.

3.       A male and female duet in which I should sing both parts.  The song is about the girl loving the boy ‘cause he knows what to put in her coffee and the boy loving the girl ‘cause she likes zombies.

4.       A song about how cool Super-Deer is.

5.       A song about the process of baking muffins.  Although, now that I think about it, a song entirely about baking would be boring, so include something about smelly feet.

6.       A song about a polar bear fighting (to the death, of course) a unicorn.

7.       A song that repeats the words “Ooodleoodleooodleooolooooloooo!”

8.       A song about Marty, the blind octopus.

9.       Kung fu apple man!  (WHISHAAAAAH!)

10.   A song about a samurai riding an eagle.  The song should include the words “Ra-pa-pa-pa” real fast-like.

Power to the Poo

Chocolate Wedgie

Maybe Crayons

I Eat Crayons

The Exploding Cats

7 Dollar Pretzel

Living on Pine-Sol

Eating Cheese

Milktreat

Order of the Baby Clown

Fabulous Duck

Milkfish

Squirmy Pizza

Red Sheep

Flaming Pants

Frogman

The song on this page is J.A.R by Greenday and it's one he used to play for me.  I never paid much attention to the lyrics.  One night after Zack had died, I was in the car thinking about him and this song came on.  The lyrics have so much meaning to me now...

My Friend Drove Off The Other Day
Now He's Gone And All They Say
Is You Gotta Live It Up 'cause Life Goes On
Now I See I'm Mortal, Too
I Can't Live My Life Like You
Gotta Live It Up While Life Goes On
And I Think It's Alright
That I Do What I Like
'cause That's The Way I Wanna Live
So I Give And I'm Still Givin'
Now I Wonder 'bout My Friend
If He Gave All He Could Give,
'cause He Lived His Life Like I Live Mine
If You Could See Inside My Head
You Would Start To Understand
The Things I Value In My Heart
You Know That
I Know That
You're Watching Me
Gotta Make A Plan
Gotta Do What's Right
Can't Run Around In Circles If You Wanna Build A Life
But I Don't Wanna Make A Plan For A Day Far Away
While I'm Young And While I'm Able All I Wanna Do Is...

Zack had the following written out in a blue binder...he used to come up with these when he was feeling bored.

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills.
2. Leave your supermarket cart in the middle of the parking lot.
3. Eat produce at the store.  Don’t buy it.
4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two.
5. Before exiting an elevator, push all of the buttons.
6. Knock on the door of a bathroom stall and say, “How’s it going in there?”
7. Announce loudly when you’re going to the restroom.
8. Chew other people’s pencils
9. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
10. Wear large hats during movies.
11. Poke strangers.
12. Tell little children the truth about Santa.
13. Select the same song on the jukebox 50 times.
14. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa.
15. Invent nonsense internet slang and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
16. If you’re right handed, shake with your left.
17. Say the word “bunnies” after every sentence.  Bunnies.
18. Adjust the tint on your TV so people are green, and tell people you like it that way.
19. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team.
20. Drum on every available surface.
21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
22. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
23. Dress only in clothes colored hunter’s orange.
24. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
25. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and eat all the free mints by the cast register.
26. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
27. Repeat everything anyone says to you as a question.  “Repeat everything anyone says to you as a question?”
28. Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
29. Reply to everything your mom says with, “that’s what YOU think.”
30. Twitch when you eat.
31. Go around a mall hitting things with a plastic wrench while playing random notes on a kazoo.
32. Ask a waiter to get you a drink, and when it arrives pour it slowly on the floor.
33. walk and talk backwards.
34. Smile.  All the time.
35. Mail odd things (shoes, jars of toenail clippings, jello) to your parents, and if they ask about it, claim it must be your evil twin.
36. Tape many toothbrushes to your door.
37. When a friend spends the night and is trying to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “didja ever wonder why…”   Be creative.
38. When riding in a car with friends, listen to radio static.
39. Bump into people on purpose.
40. When feeling angry, do the Y-M-C-A.  Get angry often.
41. Make loud train noises whenever you hear the word “duck.”
42. Call everyone you meet “Clarence.”
43. Hug people you don’t know and pretend they’re old elementary school pals.
44. Put your mattress under your bedframe and your dirty clothes on top of it.  When mom asks you about it, mutter “gotta save space” twenty times.
45. When someone says something offensive, write down homonyms for the word and mail them to the person.
46. Read each word aloud, loudly, as you write essays in school.
47. Give your furniture names.  When friends are over, introduce them.

We found this mysterious message on a crumpled up piece of paper in Zack's room.  What secrets does it hold?  What fire lurks within?  What did he have to hide from prying eyes in a code of his own making?  Here is the text as we found it...

GSVHV ZIV GSV HZXIVW WLXFNVMGH LU GSV OZMTF ZTV LU LFI KVLKOV.

R PNLD RGH WFNY.  GSV OZMTFZTV WLVHMG SZEV Z MZIV, BVG.

RN LFG LU RWVZH.

GSRH RH WFMY!

Curious?  here's the translation, thanks to the diligent decoding of detective Chris Madsen --

These are the the sacred documents of the language of our people.

I know it's dumb.  The language doesn't have a name, yes.

I'm out of ideas.

THIS IS DUMB!

1.  When people call me Moose the Goose.

2.  MY SISTER!

3.  Homework on Fridays

4.  Off-beat music

5.  People who think they're all gangsta-style yo yo fool