Gordon Freeman (Half Life)
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Aside from being the loveable loser in the Summer Contest setting, Gordon Freeman happens to be the main character of Half Life.
...not that you see him in the game, of course. And who are we kidding?
No one cares about Gordon Freeman's role in Half-Life. They care about
how much of an absolute fucking loser he is.
"The day Gordon Freeman wins a match will be the day the universe implodes." -Board 8
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GFNW...a highly contagious disease...and also a lie... all these years...
Think about it.
We know, to this point anyway, that Gordon has never won.
GFNW. It's a disease, a virus, he has.
BUT,
it is also contagious. Every opponent that Gordon has ever fought has
never won a match after facing Gordon. Why? Because they got too close
to him and contracted the near-lethal infection!
We have Tina Armstrong in 2002. She beat Gordon in her first match. She then lost to Aeris and never reappeared.
In
2003, we had Max Payne. Max Payne was actually 1-1 in 2002, so he had
won a little. After defeating Gordo in '03 though, he was defeated by
Sephy. The next year he returned, trying to rid himself of the horrible
scars left on him by this flesh-eating virus, but he met defeat at the
hands of Tommy Vercetti and never returned, subject to the horrors of
GFNW.
In 2004, our infected nerd tried his hand at the ever
oh-so-popular, Samuel Fisher. Sammy went into this match 0-1 (a loss at
the hands of Magus), and became the 3rd to defeat the sickly one. The
following match, he was raped by Samus... understandable... most people
are... but it didn't matter.... the virus was there.... Poor Mr. Fisher
just didn't know it yet.... He returned in 2005, unbeknownst to him
that the virus was getting stronger on him, as Fisher was doubled by
the Master of Disaster, Donkey Kong. Victim number 3 for our man in
need of immunization.
Then, came 2005, and Gordon's urge to
"kill"..... or rather... "take down his opponent with him" rose again,
as he fought the zombie slaying protagonist of Resident Evil 4, Leon
Kennedy. Like the past 4 times, Leon made short work of the man who was
going on his 4th year with the same illness. And oce again, Gordon made
his secret strike. Leon got doubled by the Bomber. And is there any
doubt he'll get beaten by Bowser? Of course not.
With the
exception of Tina, each character has fought (and lost) their next
round battle right after Gordon, appeared the next year, and lost in
the first round, then never returned. Gordon has already struck down 3
people in this manner, and he's aiming to have the disease that he
inflicted last year cut down his 4th victim...
Is this all a
part of Gordon's plan? To take down his enemies slowly by infecting
them with his disease, that he's clearly built up an immunity to all
these years, that other characters can't handle? Has his losing all
this time actually all been a hoax...? A way to fool the masses into
thinking he's weak....? A way to take down his opponents one by one,
without actually beating them, until only the strong and the fodder
(like Phoenix Wright) remain?
So, let's look at his possible 5th
victim.... Phoenix... if Phoenix wins... well... the same pattern may
very wll hold true... Phoenix would lose to Sora, and then probably not
make it out of the first round in 2007, so he won't return. Very
possible. That would be Victim #5 indeed....
But if Gordon wins,
impossible as it may seem, then Phoenix is a victim anyway, and Gordon
has simply finally put his plan into full-fledged action, taking down
an opponent by actually BEATING them.
So, let's summarize
then... if Gordon's oppoent loses... well, then it seems either that
GFNW has affected the opponent SO QUICKLY, that it causes them to lose
that very match, or that Gordon is actually trying to move on to the
next phase of his plan winning........ So, obviously, if Gordon wins,
then he wins.
On the other hand, if Gordon faces an opponent and that opponent
wins... then that character actually loses, since they're around no
more and Gordon still is... hanging around with his immunity, while the
others are susceptible. So, like in the past, when Gordon loses to an
opponent, in actuality, that opponent actually loses, since he dies to
the next few opponents and then never returns... while Gordon
disappears... so since Gordon's opponent lost...... does this mean
Gordon actually won when he lost?
And if this has happened the past 4 years... then has Gordon been fooling us all this time?
He's
made us think he never wins, by pretending to fall victim to this
terrible disease that he's actually immune to (or built up since '02 or
'03 maybe). But, if that was actually all "pretending" then could it be
that....
GORDON FREEMAN ALWAYS WINS???
Indirectly anyway.
In
summary overall then, GFNW is a disease that Gordon is immune to. When
others fight him, he inflicts the character with that disease. He
pretends to be unpopular and pretends to lose. The disease slowly eats
away at the other character as they lose and lose and eventually never
return. Gordy always returns though. He maybe realized this after 2002,
or maybe before the contests even existed, that he could use his
immunity to his advantage. Tina was actually more susceptible, as she
was only in 1 extra match, and never returned. Tina, Max, Sam, and soon
to be Leon (who already has been inflicted, and will soon lose, and
maybe never return) have all fallen in this manner. If Phoenix loses,
Gordon has perhaps finally decided to stop the facade... This would
defeat the concept of GFNW, and perhaps it would finally cure Gordon of
his horrible disease... Unfortunately, he may not be able to use it to
his advantage anymore, unless........
UNLESS..... maybe that
would be just a trap too, and it just so happened that Phoenix was SO
susceptible to GFNW, that he went down from it before the match was
even OVER! And thus, even though he "technically" won, one could argue
he only "won" as much as he won the matches from 2002-2005, that he
still had GFNW.
If Phoenix won however, well, then the pattern
would continue, as it would anyway (if the latter about Gordon winning
was true), and Phoenix would get owned by GFNW, and Gordon would live
to fight another day.
Also, I have reason to believe this disease may also have affected Alyx, but I believe she isn't immune to it.
So,
in conclusion... Gordon is using his actual disease to his advantage by
destroying, surely but surely, everyone in his path.....
Every time Gordon loses the battle... but he wins the war.
(Courtesy WiggumFan267;
WiggumFan267@warmmail.com)
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Gordon Freeman's Contest History
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Win-Loss Record
2-6
Summer 2002 Contest
East Division - 3 Seed
Eastern Round 1 --- Lost to (14) Tina Armstrong, 22560 [40.03%] - 33801 [59.97%]
Extrapolated Strength --- 53rd Place [11.31%]
Summer 2003 Contest
South Division - 7 Seed
Southern Round 1 --- Lost to (10) Max Payne, 41997 [46.01%] - 49281 [53.99%]
Extrapolated Strength --- 53rd Place [15.35%]
Summer 2004 Contest
Chaos Division - 10 Seed
Chaos Round 1 --- Lost to (7) Sam Fisher, 33528 [44.57%] - 41691 [55.43%]
Extrapolated Strength --- 54th Place [13.40%]
Some of you have wondered why the term GFNW came to be.
Don't lie to me. Of course you have. I've seen you.
The
abbreviation of GFNW -- Gordon Freeman Never Wins -- seems, at its
core, to be simple enough. There's Gordon Freeman, he never wins,
mystery solved, time for some pie.
But then there are some
who continue to question this -- why only Gordon Freeman? Why not other
hapless losers, like Guybrush Threepwood? Or Conker? Or Tails? And so
on and so forth. Some have wondered if Gordon Freeman is, in fact,
being 'hated upon'.
Well, I am here right now to insist that this is, in fact, not the case. Nobody hates
Gordon Freeman; it is, in fact, almost impossible for us to do so by
virtue of his character design (as will be elaborated upon shortly).
No, the answer lies not with the board but with Gordon Freeman himself
-- and, as you shall see, Gordon Freeman is one of the most interesting
cases you may ever come across.
You see, Gordon Freeman is
designed specifically to cater to the sort of people who frequent sites
like this one. He's the unmitigated genius (he holds, if I recall
correctly, an advanced degree from MIT in... whatever the hell
scientific field he's in) equivalent of an everyman -- sort of an
everynerd, if you will. He's not physically imposing in the slightest,
his eyesight is poor enough to warrant big ol' Elvis Costello glasses
and he spends his entire life in desperate need of a shave -- but
through his sheer intellect and survival skills, he singlehandedly
fights off an entire invasion and saves the universe from peril.
So
here we have a protagonist who, for all intents and purposes, should be
a bastion of pride for us all -- a hero, a role model and a paragon of
virtue. Right?
And yet, he just can't seem win a popularity contest on GameFAQs. Even once. Ever. The man lost to Max Payne. The man lost to Tina Armstrong, and I sincerely doubt eighty per cent of the board even knows who she is. Half-Life could have beat Metroid Prime, but something held it back; three guesses!
I have come to the conclusion, based upon the available evidence, that Gordon Freeman is genuinely trying to lose.
Think about this. Under any and all circumstances, Gordon Freeman
should easily be able to defeat any opponent at any given time no
matter what the odds, because he is the very manifestation of each and
every one of us -- we are him, he is us, and to anti-vote
ourselves would be distinctly difficult to do. Therefore, the only
logical conclusion is that each and every time Gordon Freeman is pitted
against even the most pitiful of foes (which, you'll notice, he always
is), he uses his unmatched and awe-inspiring intellect to find a way, any way, to lose every single time. I suspect it may be some sort of sport for him.
The other possible conclusion is that he acts as a modern-day
equivalent of Wile E. Coyote -- that, following in the teachings of
Doctor Coyote, he believes himself to be superior to all other forms of
life because of his incredible brainpower and then crafts elegant and
seemingly foolproof plans for success that each and every time backfire
in a spectacularly hilarious way and lead to his inevitable undoing. If
you cannot picture Gordon Freeman being hit by a train as he sits alone
huddled in a small shack filling carrots with nitroglycerine, then I
genuinely pity you.
Whether he is using his peerless
intellectual capacity to intentionally lose or to unintentionally lose,
the end result is the same and can be proclaimed with absolute
certainty -- Gordon. Freeman. Never. Wins.
So
there you have it, gentle reader; the day that Gordon Freeman wins a
match is the day that his intelligence, which by design is our intelligence, no longer counts for anything. And for all of our sakes, I pray that such a demoralizing day never comes.
Mystery solved. Time for some pie.
-Amazing Telephone
Summer 2005 Contest
20XX Division - 4 Seed
20XX Round 1 --- Lost to (5) Leon Kennedy, 38810 [41.43%] - 54875 [58.57%]
Extrapolated Strength --- 40th Place [20.88%]
There are only so many jokes that one can make about Gordon always
losing, though it's funny that he always increases in strength and
loses anyway. In fact this year he had Half-Life 2 to work off of and still
lost. As for whether or not Gordon increased or simply overperformed on
Leon remains to be seen, though we're in dire need of a match between
Gordon and Face CATS.
The funniest thing of all is that no one has ever broken 60% on Gordon. Not once.
And his worst loss is still against Tina Armstrong, no less. Funny stuff. Summer 2006 Contest
Destiny Division - 5 Seed
Destiny Round 1 --- Defeated (4) Phoenix Wright, 64324 [58.20%] - 46204 [41.80%]
Destiny Semifinal --- Lost to (1) Sora, 43996 [36.07%] - 77994 [63.93%]
Extrapolated Strength --- 33rd Place [27.63%]
Fitting that this division's name was destiny. Two traditions died this contest: Gordon Freeman finally won a match, and Gordon Freeman managed to not break 40% in a loss. Now watch everyone stop nominating him because of GFNW being dead -_-
Summer 2007 Contest
Division 8 - Third Group
Division 8 Round 1 --- 2nd place, 38131 [29.57%] - Duke Nukem, 38913 [30.18%] - Ike, 37086 [28.76%] - Guybrush Threepwood, 14817 [11.49%]
Division 8 Round 2 --- 3rd place, 24034 [18.84%] - Sonic the Hedgehog, 56616 [44.39%] - Sub-Zero, 29931 [23.47%] - Duke Nukem, 16961 [13.30%]
Man, good thing for Gordon that he actually won that match last year. That slight confidence boost proved to be the difference maker here. Mr. Freeman couldn't handle the pressure of being favored to WIN, but he still managed to advance to the second round for the second year in a row, holding off Ike, who had been announced as a playable character in Super Smash Brothers Brawl during the nomination period. He exacted a measure of revenge against the Duke in round 2, easily outperforming him. Was it possible that Gordon was holding back? Is it possible that he's been holding back all this time...? That is a scary thought.
-Ulti
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