Primate Screech is Monkey and Grilla's indie band. They formed the group in the early nineties, and survive today despite having only sold four tunes (where have we heard that before?)
Anyway, for all of you who want to know more about PS, here's the official guide, as written by Monkey:
The A to Z of Primate Screech (but with some letters missing)
Ever wondered what it’s like to be in a band? Well, after reading this special feature, you’ll still be wondering. Here we bring you all the secrets, facts and pointless trivia that you couldn’t really care less about, in “The A to Z of Primate Screech (but with some letters missing)”…
A is for Advert
Despite being cousins, Grilla and Monkey weren’t aware of each others intentions of being in a band until Monkey placed this advert (below) in the back pages of The Bolton Trumpet. Monkey was surprised when the sole respondent turned out to be Grilla, and Grilla was equally disappointed to discover that the “established indie band” didn’t yet exist.
B is for Butt
Monkey was once head-butted by a sheep… at school!
D is for Drum Machine
In order to impress Monkey when auditioning for the role of drummer, Grilla had secretly hidden a Yamaha DD50 drum machine under his hi-hat. When asked to begin, he sat back and sneakily pressed the “Demo” button with his big toe.
E is for Eardrums
Monkey has perforated eardrums following a mishap with a snow machine whilst working as a stagehand. This means he can do a special party trick where he drinks a glass of milk and squirts it out of his ears. (He can also sneeze spaghetti down his nostrils, but everyone can do that can’t they?)
F is for Feet
After Monkey reversed the MonkeyBus over one of Grilla’s feet (miraculously causing no injury), their manager insisted that Grilla had his feet insured third party, fire and theft.
G is for Glue
As a young teenager, Monkey was wrongfully suspected of glue-sniffing after a bizarre incident with a carrier bag during the Mayor’s Parade left him with a painful rash around his nose and mouth.
H is for Hamster
We couldn’t think of anything else beginning with “H”, but at least we can gratuitously use this photo…
M is for MonkeyMobile
Although Primate Screech use the MonkeyBus when touring, Monkey’s personal means of transport is his ‘MonkeyMobile’. The custom paint job is down to Grilla’s artistic talents and a surplus of “Autumn Gold“ non-drip gloss (due to mixing up square metres and square inches when decorating their house).
N is for Number One
Although Primate Screech have yet to release a successful Number One, Grilla released an impressive Number Two in the toilets near the Arndale Centre in 2004 and warned a stunned onlooker, “I’d give it ten minutes in there if I were you, our kid”.
P is for Pickled Onions
As a small chimp sitting in the kiddie seat of a shopping trolley in
R is for Residue
One of Monkey and Grilla’s favourite foods are the strange orange lumps of powdered residue that collect in the bottom corners of packets of Monster Munch, Wotsits, and Quavers.
Y is for Yeti
Just prior to getting on the coach for a school trip to see Bobby Knutt as Aladdin at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, 9-year-old Monkey accidentally put his right foot down a snow covered grate and ended up with a moon-boot full of water. This led to amusing squelching noises when he walked, and resulted in a line of soggy right footprints through the theatre foyer, which resembled those of a one-legged Yeti. (This incident would later provide the inspiration for the song “Monkey Feet”.)
Z is for Zoetrope
Although Monkey knows how to spell “Zoetrope”, he has no idea what it means, whereas Grilla knows what it means, but doesn’t know how to spell it! They often spend hours laughing about this, which highlights just how crazy and zany life can be when you’re in a band.