Mimis Graphics

The eye of the storm is that one specific spot in the center of a twister, hurricane, or tornado that is calm, almost isolated from the frenzy of activity.  Everything around the corner remains peaceful.  How nice it would be if we too could be calm and serene in the midst of chaos--in the eye of the storm.

Surprisingly enough, it's much easier that  you might imagine to be in the eye of a "human storm."  What it takes is intention and practice.  Suppose, for example, that you are going to a family gathering that is going to be chaotic.  You can tell yourself that you are going to use the experience as an opportunity to remain calm.  You can commit to being the one person in the room who is going to be an example of peace.  You can practice breathing.  You can practice listening.  You can let others be right and enjoy the glory.  The point is, you can do it if you set your mind to it.

By starting out with harmless scenarios like family gatherings, cocktail parties, and birthday parties for children, you can build a track record and enjoy some success.  You'll notice that by being in the eye of the storm, you will be more present-moment oriented.  You'll enjoy yourself more than ever before.  Once you have mastered harmless circumstances like these, you can practice on more difficult areas of life--dealing with conflict, hardship, or grief.  If you start slowly, have some success, and keep practicing, pretty soon you'll know how to live in the eye of the storm.

When I was growing up my father used to count out loud to ten when he was angry with my sisters and me.  It was a strategy he, and many other parents, used to cool down before deciding what to do next.

I've improved this strategy by incorporating the use of the breath.  All you have to do is this: When you feel yourself getting angry, take a long, deep inhalation, and as you do, say the number one to yourself.  Then relax your entire body as you breathe out.  Repeat the same process with the number two, all the way through at least ten (if you are really angry, continue to twenty-five).  What you are doing here is clearing your mind with a mini version of a meditation exercise.  The combination of counting and breathing is so relaxing that it is almost impossible to remain angry once you are finished.  The increased oxygen in your lungs and the time gap between the moment you became angry and the time you finish the exercise enables you to increase your perspective.  It helps make "big stuff" look like "little stuff".  the exercise is equally effective in working with stress or frustration.  When ever you feel a little off, give it a try.

The truth is, this exercise is a wonderful way to spend a minute or two whether or not you're angry.  I've incorporated this strategy into my daily life simply because it's relaxing and I enjoy it.  Often, it helps me to keep from getting angry in the first place.

What does it mean to relax!  Despite hearing this term thousands of times during the course of our lives, very few peopl have deeply considered what it's really about. 

When you ask people (which I have done so many times) what it means to relax, most will answer in a way that suggests that relaxing is something you plan to do later--you do it on vacation, in a hammock, when you retire, or when you get everything done.  This implies of course, that most other times (the other 95 percent of your life) should be spent nervous, agitated, rushed, and frenzied.  Very few actually come out and say so, but this is the obvious implication.  Could this explain why so many of us operate as if life were one great big emergency?  Most of us postpone relaxation until our "in basket" is empty.  Of course it never is.

It's useful to think of relaxation as a quality of heart that you can access on a regular basis rather than something reserved for some time later.  You can relax now.  It's helpful to remember that relaxed people can still be superachievers and, in fact, that relaxation and creativity go hand in hand.  When I'm feeling uptight, for example, I don't even try to write.  But when I feel relaxed, my writing flows quickly and easily. 

Being more relaxed involves training yourself to respond differently to the dramas of life--turning a melodrama into a mellow-drama.  It comes, in part, from reminding yourself over and over again (with loving kindness and patience) that you have a choice in how you respond to life.  You can learn to relate to your thinking as well as your circumstances in new ways.  With practice, making these choices will translate into a more relaxed self.    Have a relaxing day okay?

Where do you get the most uptight?  If you're like most people, driving in traffic is probably high on your list.  To look at most major freeways these days, you'd think you were on a racetrack instead of a roadway.

There are three excellent reasons for becoming a less aggressive driver.  First, when you are aggressive, you puit yourself and everyone around you in extreme danger.  Second, driving aggressively is extremely stressful.  Your blood pressure goes up, your grip on the wheel tightens, your eyes are strained, and your thoughts are spinning out of control.  Finally, you end up saving no time in getting to where you want to go.

Recently, I was driving and the traffic was heavy, but moving.   I noticed an extremely aggressive and angry driver weaving in and out of the lanes, speeding up and slowing down.  Clearly, he was in a hurry.  For the most part I remained in the same lane for the entire forty mile journey.  I was listening to a new CD I had just purchased and daydreaming to along the way.  I enjoyed the trip a great deal because driving gives me a chance to be alone.  As I was exiting off the freeway, the aggressive driver came up behind me and raced on by.  Without realizing it I had actually arrived where I was going ahead of him.  All of his weaving, rapid acceleration, and putting families at risk had earned him nothing except perhaps some high blood pressure and a great deal of wear and tear on his vehicle.  On average, he and I had driven at the same speed. 

The same priciple applies when you see drivers speeding by you so they can beat you to the next stoplight.  It simply doesn't pay to speed.  This is especially true if you get a ticket and hve to spend eight hours in traffic school.  It will take you years of dangerous speeding to make up this time alone. 

When you make the conscious decision to become a less aggressive driver, you begin using your time in the car to relax.  Try to see your driving not only as a way of getting you somewhere, but as a chance to breathe and to reflect.  Rather than temsing your muscles, see if you can relax them instead.  I even have a few CD's that are specifically geared toward muscular relaxation.  Sometimes I pop them in and listen.  By the time I reach my destination I feel more relaxed than I did before getting into the car.  During the course of your lifetime, you're probably going to spend a great deal of time driving.  You can spend those moments being frustrated, or you can use them wisely.  If you do the latter, you'll be a more relaxed person.

The happiest person on earth is not always happy.  In fact, the happiest people all have their fair share of low moods, problems, disappointments, and heartache.  Often the difference between a person who is happy and someone who is unhappy isn't how often they get low, or even how low they drop, but instead it's what they do with their low moods. How do they relate to their changing feelings?

Most people have it backward.  When they are feeling down they roll up their sleeves and get to work.  They take their low moods very seriously and try to figure out an analyze what's wrong.  They try to force themselves out of their low state, which tends to compound the problem rather than solve it.

When you observe peaceful, relaxed people, you find that when they are feeling good, they are very grateful.  They understand that voth positive and negative feelings come and go, and that there will come a time when they won't be feeling so good.  To happy people, this is okay, it's the way of things.  They accept the inevability of passing feelings.  So, when they are feeling depress, angry, or stressd out, they relate to these feelings with the same openess and wisdom.  Rather that fight their feelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accept their feelings, knowing that this too shall pass.  Rather than stumbling and fighting against their negative feelings, they are gracefulin their acceptance of them.  This allows them to come gently and gracefully out of negative feeling states into more positive states of mind.  One of the happiest people I know is someone who also gets quite low from time to time.  The difference, it seems, is that he has become comforable with his low moods.  It's almost as though he doesn't really care because he knows that, in due time, he will be happy again.  To him it's no big deal.

The next time you're feeling bad, rather than fight it, try to relax.  See if, instead of panicking you can be grateful and calm/  Know that if you don't fight your negative feelings, if you are graceful, they will pass away just as surely as the sun sets in the evening.

This simple strategy has had remarkable results for virtually everyone.  I know who has tried it.  The almost immediate results include increased patience, added perspectives, and, as a side benefit, more gratitude and respect from others.

The strategy itself is remarkably simple.  It involves nothing more than pausing--breathing--after the person to whom you are speaking is finished.  At first, the time gap, between your voicesmay seem like an eternity--but in reality, it amounts to only a fraction of a second of actual time.  You will get used to the power and beauty of breathing, and you will come to appreciate it as well.  It will bring you closer to, and earn you more respect from, virtually everyone you come in contact with.  You'll find that being listened to is one of the rarest and most treasured gifts you can offer.  All it takes is intention and practice.

If you observe the conversations around you, you'll notice that, often, what many of us do is simply wait for our chance to speak.  We're not really listening to the other person, but simply waiting for an opening to express our own view.  We often complete other people's sentences, or say things like, "Yeah,yeah," or "I know," very rapidly, urging them to hurry up so that we can have our turn.  It seems that talking to one another is sometimes more like sparring, back and forth, like fighters or Ping-Pong balls than it is enjoying or learning from the conversation.

This harried form of communication encourages us to criticize points of view, overreact, misinterpret meaning, impute false motives, and form opinions, all before our fellow communicator is even finishe speaking.  No wonder we are so often annoyed, bothered, and irritated with one another.  Sometimes, with our poor listening skills, it's a miracle that we have any friends at all!

I spent most of my life waiting for my turn to speak.  If you're at all like me, you'll be pleasantly amazed at the softer reactions and looks of surprise as youlet others completely finish their thought before you began yours.  Often, you will be allowing someone to fell listened to for the very first time.  You sill sense a feeling of relief coming from the person to whom you are speaking--and a much calmer, less rushed feeling between the two of you.  No need to worry that you won't get your turn to speak--you will.  In fact, it will be more rewarding to speak because the person you are speaking to will pick up on your respect and patience and will begin to do the same.

This is the title of a super book.  As the title suggests, wherever you go, you take yourself with you.  The significance of this statement is that it can teach you to stop constantly wishing you were somewhere else.  We tend to believe that if we were somewhere else--on vacation, with another partner, in a different carreer, a different home, a different circumstance--somehow we would be happier and more content.  We wouldn't!

The truth is, if you have destructive mental habits--if you get annoyed and bothered easily, if you feel angry and frustrated a great deal of the time, or if you're constantly wishing things were different, these identical tendencies, will follow you, wherever you go.  And the reverse is also true.  If you are a generally happy person who rarely gets annoyed and bothered, then you can move from place to place, from person to person, with very negative impact.

Someone once asked me, "What are the people like in Florida?"  I asked him, "What are the people like in your home state?"  He replied, "Selfish and greedy."  I told him that he would probably find that people in Florida also are selfish and greedy.

Something wonderful begins to happen with the simple realization that life, like an automobile, is driven from the inside out, not the other way around.  As you focus more on becoming more peaceful with where you are, rather than focusing on where you would rather be, you begin to find peace right now, in the present.  Then, as you move around, try new things and meet new people, you carry that sense of inner peace with you.  It's absolutely true that "Wherever you go, there you are."

This is a Buddist teaching that I learned over twenty years ago.  It has provided me, again and again, with greatly needed perspective to guide me toward my goal of a more accepting self.

The essence of this teaching is that all of life is in a constant state of change.  Everything has a beginning and everything has an end.  Every tree begins with a seed and will eventually transform back into earth.  Every rock is formed and every rock will vanish.  In our modern world, this means that every car, every machine, every piece of clothing is created and all will wear out and crumble; it's only a matter of when.  Our bodies are born and they will die.  A glass is created and will eventually break.

There is peace to be found in this teaching.  When you expect something to break, you are not surprised or disappointd when it does.  Instead of becoming immobilized when something is destroyed, you feel grateful for the time you have had.

The easiest place to start is with the simple things, a glass of water, for example.  Pull out your favorite drinking glass.  Take a moment to look at it and appreciate its beauty and all it does for you.  Now, imagine that same glass as already broken, shattered all over the floor.  Try to maintain the perspective that, in time everything disintegrates and returns to its initial form.

Obviously, no one wants their favorite drinking glass, or anything else, to be broken.  This philosophy is not a perscription for becoming passive or apathetic, but for making peace with the way things are.  When your drinking glass does break this philosophy allows you to maintain your perspective.  Rather than thinking, "Oh my God!" you'll find yourself thinking , "Ah, there it goes."  Play with this awareness and you'll find yourself not only keeping your cool but appreciating life as never before.

If you enjoy learning as well as making other people happy, you'll love this idea.

Almost everyone feels that their own opinions are good ones, otherwise they wouldn't be sharing them with you.  One of the destuctive things that many of us do, however, is compare someone else's opinion with our belief, we either dismiss it or find fault with it.  We feel smug, the other person feels diminished and we learn nothing.

Almost every opinion has some merit, especially if we are looking for merit, rather than looking for errors.  The next time someone offers you an opinion, rather than judge or criticize it, see if you can find a grain of truth in what that person is saying.

If you think about it, when you judge someone else or their opinion, it really doesn't say anything about the other person, but it says quite a bit about your need to be judgmental.

I still catch myself critcizing other points of view, but far less than I used to.  All that changed was my intention to find the grain of truth in other positions.  If you practice this simple strategy, some wonderful things will begin to happen: You'll begin to understand those you interact with, others will be drawn to your accepting and loving energy, your learning curve will be enhanced, and, perhaps most important, you'll feel much better about yourself.

So often we are immobilized by the slightest criticism.  we treat it like an emergency, and defend ourselves as if we were in a battle.  In truth, however, criticism is nothing more than an observation by another person about us, our actions, or the way we think about something, that doesn't match the vision we have of ourselves.  Big deal!

When we react to criticism with a knee-jerk, defensive reponse, it hurts.  We feel attacked, and we have a need to defend or to offer a countercriticism.  We fill our minds with angry or hurtful thoughts directed at ourselves or at the person who is being critical.  All this reaction takes an enormous amount of mental energy.

An incredibly useful exercise is to agree with criticism directed toward you.  I'm not talking about turning into a doormat or fuining your self-esteem by believing all negativity that comes in your direction.  I'm only suggesting that there are many times when simply agreeing with criticism defuses the situation, satisfies a person's need to express a point of view, offers you a chance to learn something about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in another position, and perhaps most important, provides you an opportunity to remain calm.

One of the first times I cociously agreed with criticism directed toward me was many years ago when my husband said to me "Sometimes you talk too much."  I remember feeling momentarily hurt before agreeing.  I responded by saying, "You're right, I do talk too much sometimes."  I discovered something that changed my life.  In agreeing with him, I was able to see that he had a good point.  I often do talk too much!  What's more, my nondefensive reaction helped him to relax.  A few minutes later he said, "You know, you're easy to talk to."  I doubt he would have said that had I become angry at his observation.  I've since learned that reacting to criticism never makes the criticism go away.  In fact, negative reactions to criticism often convince the person doing the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessment of you.

Give this a try.  I think you'll discover that agreeing with an occasional criticism has more value than it costs.