January – Concerned about Hearts domination in the Edinburgh derby, the SPL ask Hearts to give the wee team a chance at Easter Road. Head Coach Graham Rix ‘plays himself’ - and is immediately arrested by Lothian & Borders finest. Having signed for Hibs during the transfer window, Stephen Simmons scores a hat-trick - as Hearts win 3-0. Elsewhere Rangers say Alex McLeish’s job as assistant coach to the reserve team is safe but under review.

February – After Hearts defeat Aberdeen 10-0 at Tynecastle, Dons chairman Stewart Milne repeats his assertion that Hearts fans should be wary of Vladimir Romanov. Lee Miller is sent off as Dundee United lose 5-0 to Hearts at Tannadice and the Arabs slump to the foot of the SPL. Miller still insists he made the correct choice turning down Hearts offer of a deal last summer even though his win bonus with United of a two pint carton of milk turned sour some time ago.

March – Almost a year to the day since the infamous Andy Davis ‘incident’ Rangers score in the fourteenth minute of injury time to rescue a 1-1 draw at Tynecastle. Rangers say Alex McLeish’s job as head programme seller is safe but under review. Scotland coach Walter Smith denies there is a crisis in the Scottish game as he announces a future squad that includes Kenny Dalglish, Tommy Gemmell and Denis Law. Rangers withdraw John Greig after he twisted an ankle whilst collecting his pension.

April – Hearts trip to Celtic Park is switched to Sunday for live coverage on Setanta. Roy ‘Keano’ Keane brandishes a machete and slices Roman Bednar in half forcing Graham Rix to abandon his principles and play two up front. Keane is shown a yellow card and with Bednar continually caught offside, Hearts lose 1-0. Hearts lead at the top of the SPL is now just ten points and there is a scare at the end of the game as the BBC’s Chick Young requires medical treatment after his tongue is swallowed up Gordon Strachan’s arse.

May –The final Edinburgh derby of the season is played at Murrayfield Stadium due to reconstruction work at Tynecastle. Controversy rages over the decision by the SPL to award three goals every time a shot at goal goes over the bar. While Vladimir Romanov is puzzled by Graham Rix’s decision to sign Francis Jeffers on loan from Rangers, the move is justified as Jeffers scores thirty goals, Hearts win 36-0 and win the league championship on goal difference from Celtic…... Rangers say Alex McLeish’s job as a bluenose burger seller is safe but under review.

June - Ronaldinho moves to Hearts as part of the deal which takes Jamie McAllister to Barcelona. The Brazilian says he’s confident he can compete with Lee Wallace for a place on the Hearts substitute bench. Barcelona sack Frank Rijkaard. Controversy in Glasgow as Rangers skipper Barry Ferguson decides to book a last minute holiday after glancing at the window of a Thomas Cook shop on his way home. Taking a note of the number 08001800 on the shop door, ‘Bazza’ can’t get through on the phone and decides to pay the shop a visit to complain. ‘That number, sir’ says the young shop assistant, ‘is our opening hours……’

July: Hearts share a 5-5 draw with FC Kaunas in a pre-season friendly. Hearts are five goals ahead at the break before a half-time, er, pep-talk from Vladimir Romanov changes the course of the game. Afterwards the entire Kaunas team sign permanent deals for Hearts - in exchange for Eddie ‘The Lithuanian Jim Hamilton’ Jankauskas. Dave Henderson sells Jambos.net to Vladimir Romanov for an undisclosed sum (which is spent in The Diggers shortly afterwards) Romanov declares the site will be the best in Europe within five years but questions are asked when he names Inspector Jambo as chief editor. IJ’s first ‘signing’ is a swear word filter - from Lithuania…..

August: Hearts kick off the defence of their SPL title with a 5-0 win over Rangers at Murrayfield in front of Hearts biggest ever home attendance of 67,500. To assist with the crowd control, Chick Young is asked to vacate his press box seat and sit in the Rangers end. A confused Young says he didn’t know there was a difference. Alex McLeish helps by agreeing to sell Rangers merchandise outside the stadium.

September: Ronaldinho scores his first goal for Hearts as the Jambos open their Champions League campaign with victory over Barcelona in the Nou Camp. A Graham Weir hat-trick completes the rout. Vladimir Romanov says he’ll fight any investigation from the Monopolies and Mergers Commission after Hearts win yet another Edinburgh derby. However a compromise is reached when Hearts agree to play Drew Busby, Rab Prentice and Alex Young in the next derby fixture at Easter Road.

October: Manchester United lose another Champions League fixture, this time at Murrayfield and manager Sir Alex Ferguson lets rip with a torrent of four lettered words. United owner Malcolm Glazier responds with one of his own - sack. Derek Riordan and Sam Morrow are in trouble again after a lads night out in Holland goes badly wrong. Both players are found wandering close to the Ajax football arena in an inebriated state with a small rodent with protruding teeth sticking out their arses. You’re ahead of me with the tabloid headline ‘Two Tits in Hamster Jam’ 

November: Hearts qualify for the last sixteen of the Champions League and lead the SPL by ten points. Celtic and Rangers seek permission to join the English FA Premiership so they have the chance of winning something. They’re turned down. Latest news reports that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in Leith. Police advise that three of the four have been detained. Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

December: A hat-trick by Drew Busby and a double by Rab Prentice give Hearts a 5-0 win in the derby at Easter Road. ‘What more can we do?’ pleads Vladimir Romanov.

Under pressure from the Monopolies and Mergers Commission, Hearts sack Graham Rix and appoint Alex McLeish. Hearts lose their next game to Falkirk at a deserted Murrayfield….

Roll on 2007!

Mike Smith, December 2005

At this time of year it is customary to look ahead to what the new year may bring and reflect on what our hopes and fears are for the months ahead. But now that 2005 is over it’s worth catching our breath for a moment and looking back on the second half of last year - possibly the most astonishing that I can recall in all my years following this damned team of ours.

The Hearts fans messageboards were close to meltdown towards the end of June. The new season was fast approaching and, having dispensed with the services of John Robertson some weeks earlier, Hearts still had no replacement for the post of Head Coach. No one in charge, therefore no new players and as pre-season training commenced there seemed little hope among the massed ranks of the Hearts support that the Romanov Revolution would begin this season. Then, right at the end of June, George Burley was appointed and, after a soulless goalless draw in a pre-season friendly in Dublin, players arrived in rapid succession at Tynecastle. Rudi Skacel, Julien Brellier, Edgaras Jankauskas, Michal Pospisil, Roman Bednar…..the Hearts team was transformed and a sell-out pre-season friendly against Middlesbrough at Tynecastle lit the blue touch paper for an incredible season. I remember sharing George Burley’s view that, given the disappointment of season 2004/05 when Hearts finished in fifth place in the league (and, unusually, behind the wee team), a third place finish in this season’s SPL - and, therefore, a place in the following season’s U.E.F.A. Cup - would be a successful start to the new era in Gorgie. But this campaign has seen more twists and turns than a waltzer at Portobello Fun Beach (which is where, apparently, a certain Edinburgh team spends its time when Hearts are overseas…)

Those same Hearts fans messageboards have again been close to meltdown in recent weeks as Hearts have struggled to maintain the relentless, free-flowing attacking football that brought them eight straight league wins at the beginning of the season. Some sections of the media, irked that the championship race this season isn’t restricted to the two Glasgow clubs, have also been quick to hang the crisis banners over the name of this famous football club. But, as I write this piece after witnessing a quite superb display by the boys in maroon in crushing Falkirk 5-0 at Tynecastle on Boxing Day, I think to myself if this is Hearts in crisis then bring it on!

Up to and including Boxing Day, Hearts had lost just twice in the SPL - to Hibs and Rangers. They had dropped just two points at Tynecastle and conceded two goals - only one of which was from open play. At the time of writing, Hearts sat seven points clear in second place in the SPL - this in a season where the talk at the beginning of the campaign was of striving to secure third place. Second place will mean entry to next season’s Champions League, albeit two qualifying rounds will have to be overcome first. Graham Rix has received much criticism, yet Hearts had lost only one game under his tutelage before the visit of Celtic on New Years Day - and the rout of Falkirk was Hearts biggest win of the season. Across the city, the team from Easter Road have been receiving plaudits from some of the media who declare the Hibees to be a better footballing side than Hearts, that Tony Mowbray’s men play football the way it should be played and have some of the finest young talent around in Scottish football. Yet, by Boxing Day, they were seven points behind Edinburgh’s big club. True, Hibs do have some fine young players, a point I conceded to a Hibee compatriot a few days ago over a pint of foaming ale. This was borne out in the recent Youth Cup tie between the two clubs at Tynecastle. Hearts youngsters were restricted to only winning by 5-1, which shows the progress being made with Hibs youth set-up…

There have been so many rumours and counter rumours emanating from Tynecastle recently that it’s difficult to keep up at times. Players unhappy, coaches unhappy, fans unhappy…….few of these stories are backed up with any hard facts. But they do make interesting newspaper headlines and postings on internet messageboards.

What is hard fact - but nevertheless is treated with scepticism by newspapers editors and some fans - is that Hearts currently sit in second place in the SPL. There is a more than reasonable chance of Champions League football coming to Edinburgh next season (the west end of Edinburgh in the unlikely event there are any Hibees reading this) And work will soon begin on a building a new stand at Tynecastle which will make an already impressive stadium one of the best in Scotland.

The last six months have been incredible for Hearts supporters. Despite what you may see and hear, the next six months may well surpass even that!

Mike Smith, January 2006

For the first time this season, boos and jeers greeted the referee’s final whistle last Saturday as the Hearts players trooped somewhat dejectedly off the park after a goalless encounter with Inverness Caledonian Thistle. It was one of Hearts poorest performances of the season, it was another two points dropped in their unlikely quest for the league championship - and it was another sign that the relationship between Vladimir Romanov and Hearts looks more and more like an unhappy arranged marriage rather than a marriage made in heaven.

Graham Rix has come in for a lot of stick in his first four games in charge of the maroons. The free-flowing football that was the hallmark of George Burley has been replaced by a more pragmatic approach which may have been more acceptable a year ago and was certainly practiced by Craig Levein but has resulted in Hearts dropping six points since the former England midfield player’s arrival - and which pay prove costly as Hearts attempt to reach the promised land.

Julien Brellier was suspended for Saturday’s game with the impressive Highlanders and his absence was sorely felt - but perhaps more than was necessary. I expected Neil Macfarlane to fill the Frenchman’s boots - the former Airdrie man, although not as talented as JB, has a similar style of play and could be guaranteed to give his all in the holding position in the middle of the park. When I heard Stephen Simmons’ name in the starting eleven, I was taken aback, almost as much as I was when I heard no mention of Roman Bednar, even on the substitute’s bench. Sure, Bednar was injured again which meant Calum Elliot would partner Michal Pospisil up front and on that score I’ve no problem as I’d prefer young Elliot to Eddie ‘£10k per week’ Jankauskas any day. But when the teams kicked off and it became clear that Paul Hartley was filling the Brellier role and, in turn, Simmons was attempting to play like Paul Hartley, my concerns - and of those around me - grew significantly. With Hartley’s influence nullified, his midfield partner Rudi Skacel looked like a fish out of water. Hearts top goalscorer spent much of the game trying to rouse an almost reticent home support instead of trying to add to his impressive goal tally.

It was clear the system wouldn’t work and when Simmons was replaced by Camazzolla with twenty minutes to go we heaved a collective sigh of relief that Rix had at last seen the error of his ways. But the Brazilian immediately took up Simmons’ position and a somewhat bemused Hartley was stuck in the Brellier role - and Hearts continued to struggle to make any headground.

So Hearts are now three points behind Celtic and face a trip to Ibrox on Saturday to face a Rangers team buoyant from their unlikely qualification to the last sixteen of the Champions League. It’s more then conceivable that Hearts will be six points behind Celtic after the weekend and with The Hoops visiting Gorgie on New Years Day, west of Scotland cynics such as Andy Walker and Chick Young will snicker uncontrollably at the prospect of Gordon Strachan’s men stretching their lead to nine points before the last of the shortbread and Madeira cake has been consumed. As a memorable 2005 fades into the distance it may be accompanied by Hearts league championship hopes.

Anguished Hearts fans are torn by their team’s recent fall from grace. Accusing fingers are pointed not only at Graham Rix but at the man who brought him to Tynecastle - Vladimir Romanov. Roman Romanov said that Rix was not their first, second or even third choice for the job before giving the ex Arsenal man a mere six month contract. Despite what he may say in public, Rix must feel like the poor sod who can’t even get a dance at his work’s Christmas party. Yet, Romanov’s actions in getting rid of George Burley has backfired big time. The week Rix was appointed it was revealed that Romanov had returned, cap in hand, to Burley and asked the former Derby manager to return to Gorgie. There was as much chance of that as Derek Riordan getting the freedom of Prague. Romanov may have been big enough to admit he made a mistake but it was a mistake of titanic proportions - and the appointment of Rix looks more and more like a desperate measure. No self respecting manager of quality will touch the Hearts job after what happened to the man who took the club to the top of the SPL and Rix is hardly going to reject Romanov’s suggestions to substitute Brellier (who he doesn’t rate) or play Cesnauskis or Mikoliunas. As the former England player will tell you it’s a bit of a drop from challenging for a Champions League place to managing Crawley Town.

Yet, one has to think about the scenario if Vladimir Romanov hadn’t rode into town a year ago. Chris Robinson would still be in charge, Tynecastle would now be a pile of rubble, there would almost certainly less than ten thousand people bothering to sparsely populate Murrayfield on a regular basis and Hearts would be more than likely vying with Aberdeen and Motherwell for sixth place in the league. The debt would be starting mount once again and there’s little doubt in my mind that the last rites would be served on a Scottish institution before this decade was out.

The emotional attachment of this club of ours is in many ways too strong. I’ve said before that, though I have no wish to do so, I could change my religion (if I had one!) and my wife (no takers as yet on ebay) but nothing will change with regards my football team. It’s a loving relationship but is presently being forced into a marriage in which one partner calls all the shots. Whether I like it or not. I want to believe Vladimir Romanov when he says Hearts will be European champions in five years. But I can’t. And I not only fear for the methods that may be used to reach this unattainable Russian dream but I strongly fear for the consequences of the dream not being realised. I try to balance the fear of Vlad, however bemusing some of his actions are, walking away against that of where we would be today if George Foulkes hadn’t brought him to Tynecastle in the first place.

The fans have been sold into the dream and have been given a taste of the highlife. Now it’s turned a little sour. The real test will come in January. Hearts can still be challenging Celtic and, at worse, still hopeful of second place in the SPL and a potential Champions League spot next season. And the transfer window will be open to allow Romanov and maybe even Rix to bring in much needed backup to a squad that’s beginning to look a little battle weary. If Hearts are still up there at the end of next month, the dream may be on again. If not, the bells will toll for Rix and another dramatic chapter in this astonishing season will begin….

Mike Smith, December 2005

The day after the press conference that confirmed that Graham Rix would be the new Head Coach of Hearts, I heard a snippet of the 90 Minutes football show on Radio Scotland. The reporter was asked what the reaction of the fans had been and his reply was ‘Well, I think the jury’s still out - if you’ll excuse the pun’ Rather than castigate the reporter there was general sniggering in the studio, a reaction which didn’t surprise me at all. For it seems almost a prerequisite in football journalism these days that headline writers must come up with a play on words that will attract the interest of your average supporter.

Pressley Rocks Falkirk was the headline from a few weeks back as Captain Courageous (there’s another one!) rescued a point for ten men Hearts. The Hearts skipper’s surname, of course, is manna in heaven for football headline writers while those with perhaps less obvious connotations such as Craig Gordon can also be headlined. A Gordon for Me was a story about reputed interest in the Scotland international from an Italian club. Miller Time Fails to Brew was Jambos.net’s take on former Hearts player Lee Miller’s failure to make an impact during Dundee United’s recent visit to Gorgie. And, dare I say it, even Hearts own website has been getting in on the act with the editor clearly being a fan of The Clash referring to an item about Rudi Skacel with the phrase ‘Rudi Can’t Fail’, due reference to the song written by the late, great Joe Strummer. Of course, Hearts being owned by a Russian whose surname begins with ‘R’ is pure gold for the headline writers with The Romanov Revolution now almost a subtitle below the famous name of Heart of Midlothian FC.

The tabloid journalists, of course, are the worst culprits. Perhaps they are given a directive by their editors that their readers will not be interested in those long, thought-provoking articles that are a feature of the broadsheets so the headline has to be catchy - and pun-inducing. Dunfermline Athletic chairman John Yorkston was quoted in a tabloid newspaper recently about comments he made about the Livingston chairman Pearse Flynn. ‘That’s a Pearse of Nonsense’ read the headline without a hint of embarrassment. The paper’s rival looked ahead to the intriguing fixture in the FA Premiership between Wigan Athletic and Arsenal - ‘It’s Gunner be a Classic’. But the so called quality broadsheets aren’t immune from a bit of pun punishment either. The Scotsman reported Tony Mowbray’s reaction to Hibs youngster Dean Shiels getting his international debut for Northern Ireland against Portugal ‘Mowbray Takes Hat Off to Shiel’s First Cap’ Hmm. Mowbray’s team had, as if we could forget, been ‘heartbreakers’ a couple of weeks earlier after inflicting Hearts first league defeat of the season.

The recent departure of Roy Keane from Manchester United had the pun making writers rubbing their hands with glee. Celtic/West Bromwich Albion/Roma all ‘Keen on Keane’. Cue reputed interest from a former team-mate of the Irishman, Mark Hughes, now managing Blackburn Rovers, prompting the inevitable ‘Roy of the Rovers’ headline.

The liberal use of the pun is, perhaps, a supplement to the verbal array of clichés you hear from football players and managers on radio and television. At the end of the day, we came here looking to get a result and, all credit to the lads, they worked their socks off and got their rewards. Copyright all managers! Football vocabulary seems to be integrating itself into everyday language. A good friend of mine recently announced his engagement saying that, at 35, he had assessed his options and was looking for one last pay day. And, so far, his fiancé had ticked all the boxes……

Having recently become a grandfather, I certainly consider myself as a veteran although supporting Hearts, particularly throughout this incredible season, means I’m only giving myself a rolling six month contract. I’m not sure my health can be guaranteed for any longer!

The end of this season will mark the twentieth anniversary of that day at Dens Park when Hearts infamously lost the league championship on the last day of the season. Personally I don’t think I could face another barrage of Heartbreak for Hearts headlines two decades on. I’d much prefer Hearts Beat Strong or Rix Reigns in Gorgie or Tynecastle Title Triumph.

Puns, clichés or not - that would be something worth reading about!

Mike Smith, November 2005

 

 

 

Another day. Another bombshell dropped at Tynecastle. Ten days after the incredible dismissal of Head Coach George Burley - the man who took Hearts to the top of the league and gave the club its first genuine chance of winning the league in twenty years - another statement is issued to the Stock Exchange. Chief Executive Phil Anderton has been sacked (frighteningly the statement said ‘ceased to be’) and chairman George Foulkes resigns in protest. For the second time in under a fortnight, Hearts supporters are stunned. The unquestioning loyalty they feel - and are proud to feel - to their club was stretched when George Burley left. Now it is at breaking point. Vladimir Romanov now owns Hearts and it seems he’s determined to let no one forget it. But why would such a successful businessman take such extreme decisions which, on the face of it, appear at best foolhardy and at worst, dictatorial?

Burley, Anderton and Foulkes. Three honourable men. Three highly regarded, talented and valuable assets to a famous football club. All dismissed by a man who, sadly, appears to have lost all grounds of reason.

George Burley is an outstanding coach with a proven track record. In a short space of time he used his contacts to bring in the likes of Rudi Skacel, Roman Bednar etc. and the results spoke for themselves. Skacel has become a cult hero and the value of his countryman Bednar has been underlined by his absence from the first team for over a month - Hearts haven’t looked as convincing without him. Whatever Romanov didn't like about the former Premiership Manager of the Year, sacking him was a huge mistake in my view.
Now, the finest Chief Executive Hearts have had has suffered the same fate. Phil Anderton sold more season tickets than anyone else in the history of Hearts. He sold the club to a sceptical public and brought back the feelgood factor. Edinburgh businesses were falling over themselves wanting to be associated with the revolution at Hearts and it is understood that a major sponsorship deal was in the offing thanks to the man who thought up the Daz doorstep challenge. How Anderton has failed to match Romanov's expectations is beyond me. Sure, Firework Phil may have made mistakes along the way and it seems his handling of the Claudio Ranieri interview last week may have been significant. But if Anderton’s previous managerial appointment had been given the chance to build on very promising foundations instead of being shown the door by the Russian businessman, there would have been no need to talk to the former Chelsea boss. Even George Foulkes, despite his ill-advised two horse race comment last week, was a driving force in stopping the sale of Tynecastle. His passion for Hearts and his fierce opposition to Chris Robinson’s sale of Tynecastle marked him out as a man of the people. How ironic it is that Foulkes was the man who instigated Romanov’s arrival in Gorgie.

Hearts are no longer top of the SPL. They no longer have one of the finest coaches in the game. They no longer have a Chief Executive whose marketing of a football institution has sold more season tickets than at any other time in its 131 year history. And they no longer have a chairman whose love of the club went beyond pound signs and profit margins. They do have an owner who seems hell-bent on doing just about everything, even taking in the Dundee United - Celtic game last Sunday - will he be telling John McGlynn where Mikoliunas should play against the Arabs this Saturday?

Just who will be the next Head Coach at Hearts and, arguably less importantly, Chief Executive, is hard to figure. Taking the Hearts job is akin to putting your head in a noose and standing on a chair - you can be sure Vlad the Impaler will soon be along to kick the chair away. Surely any big name in football - as promised by the club - will run a mile if they spot Roman Romanov heading towards them? And what about the players? Television footage of them leaving Riccarton the afternoon after the night before was telling. Paul Hartley merely grimaced at the cameras. Steven Pressley sounded as if he had been told he was going back to Dundee United.

I've followed Hearts since 1968 and they've sailed pretty close to the win on more than

one occasion since. Just when I thought, even believed, that we had at last reached the promised land, it appears the journey was to a dead end. And it would seem Vladimir Romanov may be a man who will steer the club from this dead end - along a road marked ‘oblivion’

I’m not a religious man by any manner of means but I pray that the likes of Inspector Jambo and others are proved correct and Romanov will deliver. But for now I see nothing but dark clouds over Tynecastle. And I fear for the club I love in its present guise - more than ever before.

Mike Smith, 1 November 2005

 

 

 

 

There are certain traumatic events in your life which remain etched in your memory. You remember where you were when such a moment occurs. On a personal level, the sudden death of my father aged just 58 in 1997 left me devastated for some time. On a Hearts supporting level, such traumas have been seeing a certain team winning 7-0 at Tynecastle in 1973, Hearts suffer the indignity of relegation for the first time in 1977, the transfer of John Robertson to Newcastle United in 1987, hearing the news that Wallace Mercer had tried to buy Hibernian in 1990 and seeing the 1998 Scottish Cup winning team break up with alarming rapidity in 1998. Saturday October 22^nd 2005 saw one more trauma added to the painfully long list of being a Hearts supporter.

All was well in the Station Tavern just before one o’clock. We supped our pre-match pint optimistic, as one can ever be as a Jambo, that Hearts would complete the first round of games in the SPL undefeated and remain top of the league. The television in the corner was showing the Sky Sports News channel. The sound was low but as I glanced up I saw Tynecastle Park on the screen. Sky Sports nowadays pays Scottish football scant attention, particularly on a Saturday lunchtime so I immediately knew something was wrong. Then the news broke and the yellow tickertape at the foot of the screen displayed the news which stunned us all - George Burley had left Hearts. As bombshells go, this was one of nuclear proportions.

In 37 years of following the Hearts I've seen more ups and downs than David Blunkett's guide dog. But just when you think you've seen it all something else happens to make you reach for the Prozac. Whatever the rights and wrongs surrounding the departure of George Burley, I found myself asking - not the first time - how much masochistic tendencies do I possess that makes me follow the fortunes of Heart of Midlothian Football Club? When Frank Skinner and David Badiel wrote that dirge about the England football team nearly a decade ago, part of their lyrics may well have been written about Hearts. So many jokes, so many jeers and all those oh so nears…..This season with the Jambos sitting proudly top of the league, unbeaten after the first quarter and playing some of the best football seen at Tynecastle in years, I finally managed to shed my coat of pessimism. Like the tee-shirt says, I started to believe Hearts could win the league championship. George Burley had brought in some top quality players - is there a better midfield player in the country than Rudi Skacel? - and there’s no doubt in my mind that the Old Firm were running scared of the revitalised boys in maroon. The fans gloated to all who would listen that their team was at the top to stay, a Champions League place beckoned for next season and the Romanov Revolution would transform Hearts from also-rans to a real power in the land. But when the news of George Burley’s departure broke, the feel-good factor drifted away….

Like thousands of other Hearts fans I was in a state of shock that weekend. Watching Hearts is a welcome break from the grind of trying to earn a crust, particularly welcome this season with the team playing so well. But the leaving of Burley - in particular the manner and its timing - was a shock to the system. Despite Hearts beating Dunfermline the weekend had been ruined. The affect on me was so intense I began to think I was having a Nick Hornby moment. In his excellent book Fever Pitch, Hornby, after years of devotion to his beloved Arsenal, suddenly realises there is more to life than football. They day after Burley’s Bombshell, I began asking myself whether Hearts meant too much to me. The feelings of despair I felt that weekend surely had to be put into perspective? As my wife never tires of telling me ‘it’s only a game’. But this season Hearts have the supporters on such a high with their marvellous football. Fans even older than me said the maroons were playing just like they did in the halcyon days of the 1950s. We all believed we were in on something special. Then, suddenly, shockingly, the driving force behind it all was gone….

That weekend I vowed never to be seduced by Hearts again. As in 1973, 1977 and 1986 I declared that my devotion to Hearts would be downgraded to merely a hobby. I would not suffer any further trauma inflicted by the this damned team of mine. I have a life outside football, a family that means the world to me. I would get on with the rest of my life and my passionate life-long affair with Heart of Midlothian Football Club would fall down my list of priorities quicker than Scotland down the world rankings. Giving the impression I didn’t care about events at Tynecastle the day after Hearts became managerless, I readily agreed to accompany my wife on a dreaded trip to IKEA. Until Sky Sports News came on again. ‘You go’ I said to the missus, ‘I want to hear Sir Bobby Robson’s interview. Apparently he’s keen on the Hearts job’

And the flames of passion had been rekindled once more…….

Mike Smith, 25 October 2005

Another World Cup qualifying campaign draws to a close. Another failure for Scotland. Growing up in the 1970s, fans like me were spoiled by a national team which regularly qualified for the World Cup finals. Players such as Kenny Dalglish, Joe Jordan and Graeme Souness could grace most national teams and World Cup qualifiers were big events in this country. One of the most emotional occasions of my life came in 1977, watching Scotland defeat Wales at Anfield to clinch their place at the ill-fated World Cup finals in Argentina 1978. As Scottish Television’s Arthur Montford memorably exclaimed when Dalglish headed home Scotland’s second goal, ‘Argentina Here We Come’! Nearly thirty years on, Scotland lose at home to Belarus and apathy reigns.

I have to confess that I felt more pains of anguish when Hearts lost their one hundred per cent record in the SPL at Falkirk the other week than when Belarus finally extinguished Scotland’s flickering hopes of qualifying for next year’s World Cup finals in Germany. With Roman Bednar and Takis Fyssas out through injury and Craig Gordon harshly sent off, it seemed Hearts superb start to the season was about to suffer its first setback until Captain Marvel hauled Burley’s Boys back into the game with two late goals. While Hearts are still top of the league, the west of Scotland media hacks aren’t slow to remind us that a Celtic victory in the east end of Glasgow on Saturday will knock the Jambos from the top spot. Cue ‘Heartbreak as Jambos Bubble Bursts’ headlines in the downmarket tabloids who have already ran spurious tales of Hearts players heading for pastures new in the build up to Saturday’s game. Scotland, however, never looked like making it to Germany next year from the moment they dropped two points at home to Slovenia in their opening game.

Since the debacle in Argentina in 1978, the S.F.A. have presided over the gradual but painful decline of Scottish football. Under the ebullient Ally MacLeod, Scotland courted bravado never witnessed before in the build up to the ‘78 finals with the men in grey suits arranging the Scots’ lap of honour in an open-topped bus around the Hampden Park track several days before the squad flew out to South America. MacLeod, himself, declared that Scotland would definitely ‘win a medal.’ Comedian (although I use the term loosely) Andy Cameron appeared on Top of the Pops to bellow ‘We’re On the March With Ally’s Army’ and the feel good factor about Scottish football was never higher. Then when the finals kicked off we had to endure a 3-1 defeat by Peru, the Willie Johnston drugs scandal, a draw with Iran…….well, you know the rest.

The S.F.A. have played down Scottish football ever since, determined they would never again be embarrassed by such magnitude. The appointment of canny Jock Stein as national coach was ideal for the bureaucrats with the subsequent appointments of Andy Roxburgh and Craig Brown further illustrations of the Presbyterian nature of the men in charge of the game in this country. Berti Vogts’ appointment was just a mistake - and the man who recommended his appointment, Hearts old friend David Taylor, should do the honourable thing and resign. That said, if Berti had changed a winning team for a must win match against Belarus and opted for playing for just one striker, the little German would have been crucified. But Uncle Walter Smith’s cosy relationship with the Scottish media ensured he would be given a relatively easy ride by the Sunday papers.

I made no attempt to get a ticket for last Saturday’s game at the National Stadium. I headed to Aberdeen on Saturday morning and I was struck (not literally I should add!) by the numbers of kilted Scots fans drinking at 9.30 in the morning at Waverley Station. It seems to me that the majority of those who watch Scotland these days are from outwith the central belt. Fans of clubs other than the Old Firm may well see Scotland games as their only chance of getting to Hampden and enjoying a football day out. In my view, this is a good thing as the poisonous bigotry that attaches itself to many of those who support Celtic or Rangers is not prevalent when it comes to supporting the national team. But I wonder how many fans feel the way I do? Whilst wanting Scotland to do well, it’s a disappointment when they don’t rather than enduring the feelings of despair and a ruinous weekend when Hearts lose.

Depending on the result of Scotland’s final qualifying match against Slovenia, the Scots may well find themselves as fifth seeds when the qualifying draw is made for Euro 2008 in January. That will be bad enough news for the chaps in the hallowed corridors of Hampden Park.

But even worse - will anyone really care any more?

Mike Smith, October 2005

 

There are ninety five days until Christmas but the pantomime season has already begun in Glasgow. The ugly sisters who make up the Scottish Football Association’s Disciplinary Committee have opted to give fellow ugly sister Neil Lennon a three match ban following the ginger-haired one’s attempted head butt on referee Stuart Dougal during the recent re-enactment of the Battle of the Boyne at Ibrox. Three matches. One of which is the Mickey Mouse Challenge Cup tie against Falkirk at Darkhead on Wednesday. Celtic manager Gordon Strachan must have left Hampden Park with a smile as wide as a Bratislava winning margin, his plea for clemency clearly having done the trick with the SFA suits. But what are the rest of Scottish football to make of yet another astonishing decision by the men who purport to run the game in this country?

Hearts supporters are still raging about the incident at Tynecastle six months ago in which assistant referee Andy Davis signalled a last minute penalty for Rangers thereby, in effect, handing Alex McLeish’s men the league championship. Saulius Mikoliunas took umbrage with Mr Davis and barged into him on the touchline. What the Lithuanian did was wrong although you could understand his rage - after all the home support were incandescent. The S.F.A., waiting for an opportunity to exact revenge on Hearts following Craig Levein’s success in extracting the urine some months earlier, duly slapped an eight match ban on the midfielder. That’s right, Neil - an eight match ban. This was reduced to five after an appeal but this was more to save face rather than apply justice. Mikoliunas, a young player new to Scotland and still blissfully unaware of the mechanisms of a governing body which regularly cow-tows to the Bigot Brothers, immediately regretted his actions but it was clear he was going to be made an example of. An example which, inevitably, isn’t used as a benchmark when Celtic and Rangers are up in front of the beaks who make Laurel and Hardy look like competent administrators.

Neil Lennon is one of most unpopular players in Scottish football. His role in the Celtic team appears little more than winding up the opposition. His former manager Martin O’Neill couldn’t understand why the Hearts support ‘singled out’ the ex Northern Ireland player for abuse during a visit to Tynecastle last season. All O’Neill needed to do was watch the game or if still in doubt ask the twelve thousand maroon and white clad fans baying for Lennon’s blood. At 33, Lennon is one of the most experienced players in the SPL, making his attempted assault on Stuart Dougal all the more inexcusable. But, once again, the Comedy Store that is the S.F.A. don’t see it that way. And once again David Taylor and his cronies make a decision that flies in the face of the people who ultimately pay their inflated salaries - the fans.

On the same day that Rangers announced plans to build a casino, their rivals’ Head Coach rolled two sixes and collected his chips. I wouldn’t put it past Celtic to try and stretch their luck still further and appeal against the decision. The S.F.A. are a laughing stock in the eyes of the majority of Scottish football fans but the tragedy is they can’t see it. I suspect the Lennon decision will be the first of several designed to ensure that, in spite of Hearts being five points clear at the top of the SPL - or perhaps because of it - the league championship will remain by hook, or more likely crook, in Glasgow. If only the offices of the S.F.A. would turn into a pumpkin at the end of the season…..

Mike Smith, September 2005

 

 

Ten months ago, more than two thousand Hearts supporters had a trip to remember as their heroes secured a remarkable result in European football - perhaps Hearts greatest ever - in inflicting a rare home defeat for Swiss Champions FC Basle. While few of the celebrating Jambos would have dared forecast a 2-1 win for John Robertson’s men, even fewer would have placed any Swiss Francs on what would happen to another team who would challenge Basle’s supremacy that season.

A decade ago FC Thun were playing in the Swiss amateur league with their average attendance hovering around the 100 mark. Formed in 1898, they have flirted with success just once in the past century when they were beaten finalists in the Swiss Cup of 1955 (a cup record which sounds remarkably familiar to a certain team nearer to home!) But their recent progress which has seen them finish in the top three of the Swiss League twice in the last three seasons has transformed the small Alpine club. With a budget of approximately six million Swiss francs (the equivalent of Steven Gerrard and Rio Ferdinand’s recent annual salary combined), FC Thun eliminated Dynamo Kiev and then Swedish champions Malmo to qualify for this season’s lucrative Champions League (that’s enough clichés - Ed). Their rapid success, however, has presented its own problems - their tiny Lachen Stadium in the shadow of the Alps has a capacity of just 10,000 and, therefore, is not big enough to hold Champions League games. As a result they’ve had to play their ties in FC Berne’s 32,000 seated Stade de Suisse (the sensibly re-named Wankdorf Stadium)

Now the former amateur team are ready for the big time. They’ve been drawn in a Champions League group with Arsenal, Ajax and Sparta Prague. Their chairman, the ebullient Kurt Weder thinks that moving their home ties to Berne will not present a problem and confidently predicts that FC Thun will actually sell the place out. With former Liverpool striker Jari Litmanen the main threat up front and former Hibs defender Allen Orman at the back, the Champions League newcomers certainly won’t lack experience. Their captain, Andres Gerber, was quoted as saying it shows that you can achieve great things in football without having a lot of money.

Such an achievement must be music to the ears of Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov. If a club the size of FC Thun, a club with no history of achievement or success can reach the so-called Holy Grail of Champions League football, there is surely hope for Hearts. Swiss football has been dominated over the years by FC Grasshoppers of Zurich and, more recently, FC Basle. Although their dominance is not quite as strong as the Old Firm in this country, the fact that FC Thun can come from nowhere to challenge for honours and take their place at the table of Europe’s elite is a remarkable story - one which, if repeated in Scotland, will have the likes of Chick Young and Davie Provan choking on their fish suppers and bottles of buckie!

I wish FC Thun all the very best in their Champions League campaign although I don’t doubt when ITV cover the Arsenal-Thun game Clive Tyldesley and co. will be falling over themselves with patronising remarks about the little Swiss club. The idea of Thun competing in the Champions League may well have been ridiculed by sports hacks a year ago - but now it’s about to happen it’s the club who are having the last laugh.

A scenario which will not have gone unnoticed in the corridors of Tynecastle Stadium….

Mike Smith, 12 September 2005

 

It doesn’t sit easy, does it? Five games into the league season, Hearts are top of the league with a one hundred per cent record. Five points - yes, five points - clear. The Old Firm are trailing behind, with Rangers six points behind and already getting fidgety about their trip to Tynecastle at the end of September. Sell-out crowds at Tynecastle chant ‘We Shall Not be Moved’ with unbridled glee as Rudi Skacel scores yet another goal. The smugness in Gorgie is palpable - but with each passing week the tension increases markedly. For this is Heart of Midlothian - a team synonymous with kicking its supporters in the teeth. But the question on every Hearts fans’ lips is - is this the genuine dawn of an era or another crass imitation?

I didn’t enjoy last week’s win over Motherwell. Sure, it was Hearts first win over Terry Butcher’s side since Phil Anderton last sold a packet of Daz, but the atmosphere was fraught. Craig Gordon’s fabulous save in the dying moments from Kinniburgh’s volley earned rapturous applause from those in maroon as well as sporting claps on the back from some of the Motherwell players. But the relief on the faces of the huge numbers of Hearts fans at Tynecastle told its own story.

There’s a two week break now until Hearts head for Livingston - a game which has been switched to a Sunday to accommodate the Setanta Television cameras. A sign of the times that Livingston v. Hearts is deemed to be the pick of the weekend fixtures. A sign of the times too that Hearts fans were queuing some considerable way down McLeod Street in order to get a ticket. Certainly the fervour surrounding Hearts at present is good news for the Lithuanian bankers who will look forward to the extra revenue from live television coverage and the massive increase in ticket sales going a little way towards reducing the £19m debt which proved so unmanageable for the Bank of Scotland who demanded an annual sale of player(s) just to meet the accrued interest. But for long suffering Hearts fans who have been through more hard times than a Celtic Champions League flag seller, waiting for the inevitable fall to earth is akin to Graeme Souness getting the sack from Newcastle United - you fear it’s going to happen but you hope it’s put off for as long as possible.

The real test of this Hearts team lies twofold. First, the games against the Old Firm. It’s all very well the likes of Aberdeen and Hibernian defeating Rangers but with Hearts clear at the top of the SPL the Gruesome Twosome will see their trips to Tynecastle as among the biggest of the season - and will raise their game accordingly. Hearts have nothing to fear from the visit of Alex McLeish’s side at the end of September but none of us will be surprised if the game happens to turn on a controversial decision or two in favour of the Govan team. The S.F.A. still haven’t forgotten Craig Levein making fools out of them or George Foulkes standing up to the Hampden suits following Rangers last visit to Gorgie in March.

Second, a true test of Hearts mettle will come when they do suffer defeat. Hearts haven’t lost a game since George Burley arrived to transform the maroons and it’s how the team will react to a setback or two that will really show what they’re made of. Burley knows only too well that the squad isn’t yet of sufficient quality to cope with injuries and suspensions, a fact proved last week when the team huffed and puffed to a 2-0 win over the amateurs of Queens Park in the CIS Insurance Cup.

If Hearts can handle this and are still jostling with the Old Firm for top spot in the SPL come Christmas, this may well be an historic season. Neither of Glasgow’s ‘big two’ have been convincing so far this season and if Hearts are still close to the top of the league come the chimes of the New Year bells, I don’t doubt Vladimir Romanov will come to George Burley’s aid with a potful of roubles. Back in 1998, Jim Jefferies’ plea to Chris Robinson for money to buy the two players he felt was necessary for Hearts to win the league fell on deaf ears. Hearts finished third in the Premier League with the not inconsiderable consolation of the Scottish Cup. There seems no reason to doubt that Romanov doesn’t match Burley’s undoubted ambition - he’s proved thus far that he does - and if Hearts can make their squad stronger during the home run then the championship dream that has burnt in the minds of Jambos for forty six years may become reality.

Not only that, we won’t have to worry about going to Dens Park in May…….

If only we could keep this dream alive!

Mike Smith, August 2005

 

 If there were two teams who must have hated the sight of Motherwell last season, they were surely Celtic and Hearts. On the final day of the campaign, ‘Well striker Scott McDonald did a pretty convincing impression of a certain Albert Kidd Esquire when he scored twice in the last ten minutes to deny Celtic the league championship. From a Hearts point of view of course, it seemed we could have played Motherwell every week and still not have beaten them – four league games and one painful CIS Insurance Cup semi-final all brought varying degrees of disappointment. The semi-final at Easter Road saw Hearts return to their penchant of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, having come back from two goals down only to lose the tie in the final minute of extra-time. But last season was not the only time the Lanarkshire men have caused angst for those of a maroon persuasion.

Amid the current upsurge in interest in Hearts, I found myself thinking the other day (that’s a rare event – Ed) about when life as a Jambo was somewhat more grim than it is now. Our opponents today were also the opposition for one of the worst days of my Hearts supporting life. Back in May 1982, Hearts were struggling – and I mean struggling – to scramble out of the First Division and return to the Premier League after a twelve month absence. Season 1981/2 had been a woeful one with defeats to East Stirlingshire and Queens Park, manager Tony Ford being handed his P45 and the mighty Dumbarton coming back from 2-1 down to thrash hapless Hearts 5-2 – and this at Tynecastle. Despite this, Hearts faced Davie Hay’s Motherwell in Gorgie on the final day of the season knowing a win would secure promotion. Even a draw would be enough provided promotion bedfellows Kilmarnock didn’t put six goals past Queen of the South on the same afternoon.

More than fifteen thousand fans piled into the crumbling Tynecastle terrace not at all confident that a Hearts team containing the ageing Peter Marinello (who Arsenal believed to be the next George Best when he was at Hibernian), would manage to beat a young Motherwell side that contained up and coming stars like Gary McAllister and Brian McClair. Having collapsed to a 3-0 defeat when Motherwell came to Tynecastle earlier that season - the amber and clarets cantered to the First Division championship that season- the maroons struggled all afternoon and never looked like even threatening to score. Hearts fans misery was compounded when The Steelmen scored the only goal of the game in the first half. We stood, dismayed, on the terracing and our dismay turned to abject grief when the news came through from Rugby Park that Kilmarnock were indeed six goals ahead against The Doonhamers - and this by half-time.

So we shuffled out of Tynecastle at the end of the game knowing we would have to face the likes of Dumbarton and Alloa Athletic for another season. Disgruntled Hearts fans made their displeasure known during the game to the extent that new chairman Wallace Mercer came down from his position in the director’s box to appeal to the fans for calm. Easier said than done as it was widely believed that if Hearts didn’t secure promotion, the financial plight of the club meant it would be part-time football for season 1982/83. But Mercer pledged Hearts would remain full-time for one more season meaning the pressure on manager Alex Macdonald would be immense. But Macdonald recruited former Rangers teammate Sandy Jardine for the following campaign and his skill, experience and composure ensured Hearts would indeed get the necessary promotion the following year.

Another game involving Motherwell also features in the games 'I would rather forget category‘. The somewhat embarrassing 6-1 thrashing of a rather depleted Hearts team at Fir Park just before Christmas in 2002 marked the end of their career in a maroon jersey for several young Hearts players pressed into first team service before they were ready as a result of injuries and suspensions.

What a changed Hearts line-up now - and, having failed to beat the Lanarkshire men in five attempts last season, there's been a change in fortune too!

Mike Smith, 27 August 2005

 

Only a fool would predict the outcome of an Old Firm game” snarled Willie Miller on BBC Radio Scotland a couple of years back. Presenter Richard Gordon seized the opportunity.

“Chick?”

“I’m going for Rangers……”

Cue hoots of derision from the rest of the Sportsound panel as the man who is to sports journalism what Inspector Jambo is to alcohol abstinence made yet another faux pas. Chick Young said recently if Hearts win the SPL this season he will buy George Burley a crate of champagne. If Hearts do become champions for the first time in forty six years, one would imagine champagne will not be in short supply in the Tynecastle boardroom. Of course, it’s unlikely Hearts will be playing in next season’s UEFA Champions League - even George Burley has said third place is the aim for this season - but it’s Young’s sneering dismissive stance which irritates me and doubtless most of the rest of the maroon army.

It’s twenty years since anyone outside the Bigot Brothers won the Premier League with genuine challenges to their domination as scarce as a Chris Robinson Appreciation Society meeting in The Diggers. Aberdeen lost the title on the last day of the season in 1990 and while Motherwell and Hibernian both made half-hearted attempts at challenging the gruesome twosome, no one could forget the finest Hearts team of a generation pushing the Old Firm for most of season 1997/98, before lifting the Scottish Cup at Celtic Park. But we’ve had two decades of the championship flag not leaving Glasgow. This is the status quo which those ‘journalists’ who worship the Old Firm don’t wish to see broken. They yearn to see Celtic and Rangers fulfil their fantasy of playing in the English Premiership and teams like Hearts are an obstacle, a hindrance to the hacks dream of writing about their idols from the likes of Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge and Anfield. Well, fellas, believe me that ain’t gonna happen and as far as European aspirations go, you’ll have to contend yourselves with a couple of trips a season to watch the Old Firm struggle against Slovakian or Cypriot opposition.

Young had the temerity to criticise George Burley for bringing in a batch of foreign players on loan, saying they surely weren’t any better than any of the youngsters currently on Hearts books. Well, Edgaris Jankauskis, Rudi Skacel, Roman Bednar and Julien Brellier appear to be a tad better than the likes of Graham Weir, Dennis Wyness and the now departed Joe Hamill who has now joined up with his mentor Craig Levein at Leicester, a brave move considering Levein may be looking to move to pastures new himself come Christmas. Young conveniently overlooked the fact that Hearts started the recent derby match with seven Scots - and ended the demolition with ten. Young’s erstwhile colleague, Jim Traynor, bemoaned the fact that Hearts were bringing in players on loan and that this was going against the spirit of the game. I seem to recall that Celtic won the Scottish Cup last season (and very nearly the league title) on the back of loan signing Craig Bellamy who would have cost £6m if the board of directors at Darkheid had managed to prise the lid off the assorted biscuits tin to gain access to the petty cash. Rangers, too, had the Greek fella Kyrgiakos on loan and neither of the Old Squirm are brimming with top class young Scots players although Bob Malcolm’s performance at Pittodrie on Sunday was worthy of a Perrier Award nomination at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Chick Young’s diatribe against the Romanov Revolution is a clear sign that he and his fellow west of Scotland hacks are worried. Worried that some team, at last, will challenge the Old Firm dominance of Scottish football. When Hearts do lose a game this season there will be a large and probably disorderly queue of Glasgow sports writers waiting to say ‘I told you so’. But the Romanov Revolution is only just beginning. I have no doubt that Hearts will make ground on Celtic and Rangers this season and the race to the championship winning line may well be neck and neck in a season or two. And if - or should that be when - Hearts eventually win major honours again there will be no need for Chick Young to supply a crate of cheap plonk. It will be vintage stuff at Tynecastle….

 

Mike Smith, August 2005

 

 

 

 

 

I read an article a couple of weeks back about Hibernian commemorating the fiftieth anniversary of them being the first British club to play in the European Cup by playing a friendly against the club who were their opponents in the opening round back in 1955, Rot-Weis Essen. Much was made of the Easter Road club’s achievement of not only overcoming the Germans but of making the semi-final stage of the inaugural frontrunner of the modern day Champions League. Now you can call me an old cynic (you’re an old cynic!) but, with all due respect, the road to the semi-finals of that first European Cup back in the mid fifties was scarcely a long or winding one.

Having defeated Rot-Weis Essen, Hibernian suddenly found themselves in the quarter finals against Swedish side Djurgaarden. Leith’s finest couldn’t believe their luck as the severity of the Swedish winter meant the away leg meant a tricky trip to the other side of the world – if you set out the wrong way. Djurgaarden’s home leg was played at Firhill, home of Partick Thistle. Inevitably, Hibernian won the tie and reached the dizzy heights of the semi-finals where they lost to French out fit Reims who, in turn, lost the final 4-3 to Real Madrid in Paris in the spring of 1956.

I shared a pint or three with a Hibernian fanatic last week and he was extolling the achievements of that team and how it would be highly unlikely that, fifty years on, a Scottish club would get anywhere near the semi-finals of the Champions League. For the first time that evening we agreed but not before I pointed out that the Hibernian team of 1955 had played just one match outside of Scotland to reach the last four. In fact the Hibees, impressive a team as they were, really shouldn’t have been in the European Cup at all. Aberdeen were Scottish champions at the end of season 1954/55 but declined the opportunity to take part. Their reluctance to rub shoulders with their European counterparts was due, in part, to the S.F.A. Scottish football’s governing body wasn’t too keen on this new fangled competition as it might threaten crucial domestic fixtures such as the East of Scotland Shield and tut-tutted Hibernian’s innovative stance in accepting U.E.F.A.’s invitation to take part.

Such attitudes are scarcely believable half a century on. Both Edinburgh clubs have been infrequent European visitors in the intervening decades. Hibernian had some memorable European nights against the likes of Liverpool and Juventus back in the 1970s when Archie Macpherson had hair and The Proclaimers were of an age where they could scarcely crawl five hundred feet let along walk five hundred miles. Hearts heroic European tales are more recent with momentous victories in Bordeaux and Basle helping to raise Scotland’s co-efficient to enable both Rangers and Celtic to play in this season’s Champions League (assuming they both qualify for the group stages)

Hibernian, of course, are in this season’s U.E.F.A. Cup and they’ll be hoping to emulate Hearts achievement in reaching the lucrative group stage. Being community minded, I can advise those Hibbies heading for the continent that, since you were last there, the monetary currency is now the Euro, the Berlin Wall no longer exists and General Franco no longer rules Spain. You should also note that the U.E.F.A. Cup is now an even more protracted affair than the European Champions League – winning your first tie doesn’t mean immediate entry to the quarter finals and playing your away leg in Glasgow. You’ll have to negotiate another four tricky fixtures in a league format before getting anywhere near the last thirty-two. And as most U.E.F.A. Cup ties are played on a Thursday evening, you’ll have to put up with regular Sunday games in the SPL. Assuming that is, your team sets off on a lengthy cup run which, according to the numerous Hibbies I have spoken to recently, is a foregone conclusion. Nothing wrong with a bit of optimism – and they’ve already exceeded last season’s efforts when they were eliminated from the Inter-Toto cup before the end of the Edinburgh Trades fortnight…

In a couple of weeks, the first Edinburgh derby of the season will test Hibernian’s European credentials. A more cosmopolitan Hearts team will, perhaps, give Tony Mowbray’s side an idea of what to expect – particularly if they’re drawn against Lithuanian opposition. Despite my jovial dig at our city rivals, I genuinely hope Hibs do well in Europe this season. Not only will it give the club an opportunity to commemorate it in 2055, it may mean Hearts don’t have to pre-qualify for the first round proper this time next year…..

 

Mike Smith, July 2005 

 

 

Here at Smith Towers, I've been looking ahead to the new season and trying to predict what will happen in the new campaign. But I got bored (either of the Old Squirm will win the league, Hibs won’t win the Scottish Cup, Scotland will get humped by Italy etc. etc.) so I thought I’d predict things you won’t be reading about in season 2005/06… July: Hearts kick off the season in disastrous fashion at Rugby Park. Gary Locke scores a hat-trick, the third of which is a sixty-yard sprint before lobbing the on-rushing Craig Gordon. Allan Johnston is substituted and given a standing ovation from the visiting support. New Hearts boss George Burley’s job is already under threat with the Hearts board believed to have made an approach to Jim Jefferies. But the Killie manager’s lack of English is seen as a problem. August: Derek Riordan casts aside years of self-denial and scores a hat-trick in the Edinburgh derby – as Hearts win 3-0 at Tynecastle. An outraged Tony Mowbray offers Riordan to Hearts in a swap deal for Graham Weir but the deal collapses when Hearts boss George Burley insists that Hibs take Jamie McAllister as well. Burley is offered a two year extension to his contract….. September: Scotland boss Walter Smith denies he is turning back the clock after he calls up Charlie Nicholas, Ally McCoist and Andy Goram for the crucial World Cup qualifier against Italy. Andy Webster, now of Rangers, captains the side and forms the central defensive partnership with a former Ibrox defender – John Greig. Scotland lose 5-0 and Webster is almost sold back to Hearts but the deal collapses when Hearts boss George Burley insists that Rangers take Jamie McAllister as well…. October: Hearts thrash Celtic 4-0 at the Tattie Bowel with Paul Hartley netting a hat-trick. Inevitably, two days after the game, Celtic make yet another bid for Hartley but the deal collapses when Hearts boss George Burley insists that Celtic take Jamie McAllister as well… November: Dundee United, struggling at the bottom of the table, visit Tynecastle and Lee Miller is given an affectionate ovation by the Hearts support, a feeling which intensifies when he scores what proves to be the winner for George Burley’s men with seconds to go. United boss Gordon Chisholm is sacked to be replaced by Rita Fairclough from Coronation Street with Norris Cole as her assistant. December: Hearts visit Ibrox just before Christmas and thrash the Sons of William 3-0. Graham Weir scores a double and is now Scotland’s leading scorer with thirty five league goals with Barney Battle’s scoring record now well within his grasp. Chelsea’s Jose Mourinho spends Hogmanay at the Balmoral Hotel looking decidedly suspicious. Hearts report the Chelsea boss for alleged tapping until it’s revealed that Stephen Simmons presence in the vicinity of the top hotel was merely to buy a Whopper from Burger King across the road. January: Another derby at Tynecastle and Hibs chief Tony Mowbray denies he is taking panic measures when he includes The Proclaimers in the Hibs midfield. John Leslie also starts the game but is pulled off at half-time…..George Burley, having seen his Hearts side put Hibs to the sword twice already this season, sees the wee team’s line-up and decides to give them a chance. Jamie McAllister plays from the start but is substituted after half an hour after being at fault for both Charlie Reid’s goals. But there’s a second half transformation as Gary Smith is given a torrid time by Hearts sub Ronnie Corbett’s aerial power and Hearts go on to win 3-2. February: Hearts welcome Aberdeen to Tynecastle particularly as the glow from Jimmy Calderwood’s nuclear fusioned tan means the floodlights don’t have to be turned on until ten minutes to go. Dons fans throw hundreds of toilet rolls on to the pitch just before kick-off but Lothian & Border’s police quickly have things under control as they said they were aware before the game of the threat of Andrex…. March: The month sees three league fixtures which no one would have thought possible a decade ago – Livingston, Inverness Caley and Falkirk. SPL chiefs deny the league has been devalued and have advised Hearts that next week’s midweek game with Midlothian Ladies Pipe Band is to be covered by Setanta. Hearts make an offer for the pipe band’s strapping centre half Big Bertha Grimshaw but the deal collapses when Hearts boss George Burley insists that pipe band take Jamie McAllister as part of the deal….. April: Rangers sack Alex McLeish and replace him with Craig Levein, recently dismissed by Leicester City. Rangers are paired with Hearts in the semi-finals of the Scottish Cup and sneak through thanks to goals by Mark De Vries, Patrick Kisnorbo and Andy Davis. Davis’ goal was from a thirty five yard free-kick – Hearts question the integrity of the decision but the SFA question Hearts integrity of their decision to start with Robbie Neilson, Jamie McAllister and Stephen Simmons. ‘Fair enuffski’ says Vladimir Romanov – George Burley is sacked two days later. May: Another remarkable season draws to a close but Hearts have failed to break the Old Firm stranglehold on Scottish football. Romanov gets bored and sells his majority shareholding to a mysterious Russian catering supreme. Christophimir Robinsoninus promises Hearts a new 67,000 seater stadium within walking distance of Tynecastle, appoints Tommy McLean as manager ands re-signs Hans Eskillson. I’m dreading August 2006......  Mike Smith, July 2005

Integrity. A word bandied about Tynecastle on more than one occasion during the season just ended. Assistant referee Andy Davis’ insistence that Lee Miler had fouled Rangers Kyrgiakos in early March meant Rangers won a match they didn’t deserve to  - and consequently, some would argue, won a championship they scarcely deserved to. Integrity is, of course, displayed by all posters on JNet (surely shum mishtake – Ed) but, leaving aside contentious officials, it’s a trait becoming more and more rare among football players. Now I’m not talking about ludicrous excessive cheating like some Johnny Foreigner types. But some players in the SPL and the FA Premiership do seem to have developed their own subtle form of ‘influencing the referee’. Such as:

Standing over the ball when a free-kick is awarded to the other team. Designed to prevent the quick free-kick, it seems to this writer that most players try this and generally get away with it. Rarely are such indiscretions given a warning by the referee and the game then slows down to the pace of Phil Stamp on a good day. Obstruction anyone?

Appealing for every decision – I have to say Hearts own Andy Webster appears to have taken this to an art form. Five yards in front of the opposing striker, oor Andy launches a clearance towards Chris Robinson in the director’s box then immediately sticks up his hand. ‘Offside ref!” pleads the former Arbroath player which cuts no ice with a smirking Willie Young. Arsenal’s Tony Adams perfected this some years ago and Aberdeen’s Willie Miller north of the border imitated it.

Defensive wall not retreating ten yards at free-kicks – every team is guilty of this. It’s not often we see Hearts score from a direct free-kick twenty five yards out – but this has much to do with our opponents defence being close enough to check the stubble on Paul Hartley’s chin. Once the referee directs the players the required distance away and then turns his back, the players compound the situation by sneaking forward again like insolent schoolboys. Normally a bookable offence unless your name is Chris Sutton….

Kicking the ball away – some interesting variations here. Some big useless lumps of defenders (no names but you know who you are Bobo Balde) smack the ball into the crowd while others go on a mazy dribble in the wrong direction. Or, in the case of Craig Bellamy, deftly control the ball several yards away from the free-kick  - and then leave it.

Shirt-tugging – becoming more and more prevalent at corner-kicks. For some reason some players think they become invisible when defending a free-kick (Jamie McAllister usually is) and pull and drag their opponents until they fall over (no names but you know who you are Bobo Balde) safe in the knowledge the referee is unlikely to award a penalty. Unless his assistant is a certain Andrew Davis….

Arguing – some players can’t get through ninety minutes without having a go at the hapless referee. Some players even argue with the crowd (isn’t it so Neil Lennon?), corner flags, goal posts and team mates. I wonder where Graeme Hogg is these days?

Pretending to have been shot – a trait more common amongst those foreign chappies. Nacho Novo recently got 5.9 from a Spaniard in the press box when he performed a triple somersault with pike after a sniper targeted him from the main stand. Credit the Ibrox phsyio, though – thirty seconds after Novo appeared lifeless, a quick dab with some cold water and a bit of cloth and the Spanish striker was running about quicker than Marvin Andrews after a prayer meeting.

There are other misdemeanours which, frankly, I can’t be arsed to write about. The infamous Mrs Smith is due home from work any minute now so I’m going to pretend to be dead and ignore her pleas to get up from the couch where I’ve been lying sprawled for the past couple of hours.

Just so long as she doesn’t have a cold sponge….

 

Mike Smith, May 2005

 

 

 

 

 

 Imagine your boss says to you ‘Look, I’m really pleased with your performance this last year so I’m going to pay you more money as a result’ What would your reply be? For most of us normal working class folk, we would, in all probability, say ‘thanks very much’ and grab the offer with both hands. If you’re a professional footballer, however, it seems different rules apply to employment protocol.

Hearts took Lee Miller from the obscurity of Bristol City reserves and gave him the opportunity to resurrect his flagging career at Tynecastle. True, the agreement was for a loan period but with a view to a permanent transfer if things went well. Things certainly did go well for the former Falkirk striker with eleven goals in twenty-two games for the maroons. After finally agreeing a fee with Bristol City, Hearts appeared to have secured a more than able replacement for Mark De Vries. Then greed took a hand…

As soon as Aberdeen  - and the possibility of a bigger pay packet – became interested, Miller’s form for Hearts dipped. Indeed, in the final league game of the season, ironically at Pittodrie, Miller had his poorest game yet for the JTs and was duly substituted to chants of ‘there’s only one Lee Miller’ – from the Aberdeen fans.

Miller had ignored Hearts offer of a reputed £5000 per week in the hope that Aberdeen would offer more. It looked like Miller would sign for The Dons – certainly a smug Willie Miller seemed to think so – but Aberdeen were dealt some of their own medicine when Dundee United, having secured their Premier League status on that same final day, also expressed an interest. Miller duly stalled on the Pittodrie offer and Willie Miller did a ‘Hearts’ and promptly told his namesake to bugger off. Lee Miller was paraded as a Dundee United player last Friday, complete with a tangerine and black scarf and a cheesy grin – but doubtless with a smaller pay packet than he would have had had he remained in Gorgie with the club who took him from reserve team football to the Scotland World Cup squad. That’s gratitude for you.

Two years ago, Hearts salvaged Paul Hartley’s career from the wreckage of St. Johnstone’s plummet down the First Division table. Transformed from an average midfield journeyman to a Scotland international by Craig Levein and then John Robertson, Hartley has attracted interest from Celtic. Naturally, the attraction of more lucre for a place on the substitute’s bench in the east end of Glasgow has meant Hartley has rejected the chance to extend his career at the club that rescued him from a football backwater and enabled him to have the opportunity to play at the San Siro. That’s gratitude for you.

This is nothing new of course. This time last year Scott Severin headed for the dubious delights of Aberdeen after his much yearned for move to the English Premiership didn’t materialise i.e. no one else came in for him. Twelve months on there’s talk of Severin refusing to sign an extension to his Pittodrie contract in the hope that an English Premiership club will move for him. They won’t – but Craig Levein’s Leicester City are apparently keen and if they offer enough money doubtless Scott will be off faster than you can say ‘two year contract’. That’s gratitude for you.

Across Edinburgh, Ian Murray has been granted a divorce from his much-publicised love affair with Hibernian to enable him to sign for Rangers. One presumes we will no longer see ‘7-0’ shaved on the back of Murray’s head. A pound sign perhaps but not 7-0….Likewise, Derek Riordan has forgotten about the time he was loaned out to Cowdenbeath and, after one impressive season at Easter Road, has decided to turn down an extension to his present deal with Hibernian. Doubtless, Riordan will be like Paul Hartley and be sitting by the telephone all summer waiting for the call from Celtic Park. That’s gratitude for you.

Sadly, that’s the way it’s always been and, in all likelihood, always will be. Hearts 1998 Scottish Cup winning team disappeared from Gorgie quicker than George Bush from a Make Poverty History rally. Those players who kiss the badge on their shirts after scoring for their teams are mocking the fans who part with hard earned cash to help pay their wages. Supporters stick by their team through thick and thin – the days of players showing similar loyalty seems to have gone for good. Gary Mackay was the last Hearts player to demonstrate his total commitment to the club – I doubt we’ll see his likes again. All we can hope for is that Hearts youth system, flourishing with the new academy, produce sufficient talent to make replacing the mercenaries much easier. If so, the fans will continue to fork out money for season tickets knowing that the team will continue to flourish. Now that’s gratitude for you….

 

 Mike Smith, June 2005

 

 

It’s been a difficult season for one of the largest clubs in the country with a big and loyal support. There’s been a change of manager. League form has been patchy. They’ve had a good run in Europe that, inevitably given this club’s recent history, ended in disappointment. There was a recent on field incident that brought the club into disrepute with the authorities. Even a decent run in the cup saw a semi-final  - switched to a Sunday lunch-time kick-off time to suit the demands of television – end in tears and the hope of glory was snuffed out yet again. Their hopes of playing in Europe next season now lie with a somewhat embarrassing entry to the Inter-Toto Cup. Just one trophy in four decades means more agony for their long suffering fans who now look to a former Scotland internationalist who was a playing legend not so long ago. Does all this sound familiar? To quote the manager of this great club ‘for sure’. For I’m not talking about Hearts – rather one of England’s biggest clubs. And if any fans of football clubs can be classed as soul brothers, then it’s surely those of Heart of Midlothian – and Newcastle United.

The Toon Army have endured a bitter week which saw them lose 4-1 to both Sporting Lisbon and Manchester United to end any hopes Newcastle may have had of ending their trophyless drought which now stretches back more than three and a half decades. The Magpies will have noted that a former player who once wore the famous black and white number nine jersey – if only for six months – is now in charge at Hearts. Of course, it’s the nephew of a former Hearts player from the 1950s  - Jim Souness – who is now in charge at St. James Park. A further link between the clubs is the man who brought John Robertson to Tynecastle a quarter of a century ago and is still revered on Tyneside. Bobby Moncur was a Newcastle centre half of some distinction and skippered the club to their last major trophy, the Inter-City Fairs Cup (now the UEFA Cup) back in 1969. During his brief stint as Hearts boss in 1980, he signed Robbo, Gary Mackay and Dave Bowman.

Fans of both clubs who have followed their heroes in the last three decades could regale us with remarkably similar tales of swings of outrageous fortune. Both have suffered the ignominy of relegation. Both have suffered the heartbreak of defeat in cup finals. Both have secured memorable results in Europe only to fail when it mattered most. On the domestic front, while Hearts threw away the league championship in heartbreaking fashion in the last eight minutes of the season in 1986, Newcastle United dispensed with a ten point lead at the top of the Premiership in the last weeks of season 1995/96.  Fans of both clubs have suffered heartbreak although at least Hearts fans have seen their team win long awaited silverware in the shape of the Scottish Cup on 1998. The Toon Army can still dream only dream of glory.

As another barren season for both clubs draws to a close, supporters of both teams will be counting the days until August when the ritual starts all over again. Will it be Hearts year? Will it be Newcastle United’s year? Thousands of Jambos and Geordies will believe, like any other season, that it will be. There can be fewer displays of such passionate loyalty as those shown by the fans at Tynecastle and Tyneside. Few would grudge them their hour of glory if, or perhaps that should be when, it comes. Here’s to glory for success starved Jambos and the Toon Army!

 

 Mike Smith, 17 April 2005

 

They’ve been queuing up. The assembled hacks of the tabloid newspapers and the broadsheets, the smirking Jim White and Charlie Nicholas on SKY Television, Chick Young, that font of football knowledge on BBC radio – and even Hearts own Chief Executive, Phil Anderton whose condemnation was as swift as it was outright. Just about everyone it seems has leapt to brand the minority of Hearts fans who booed during the minute’s silence to mark the death of the Pope at Hampden last Sunday as the scum of the earth.  It’s ironic, however, that the hallowed halls of the venue of the disgraceful scenes from Sunday should now prove to be ominously silent….

The Scottish Football Association’s decision to have a minute’s silence before the weekend’s Scottish Cup semi-finals was, it seems to me, a premeditated attempt to gain revenge on Heart of Midlothian Football Club. Hearts has embarrassed the powers that be not once, but twice in the last eighteen months. First, Craig Levein refused to pay a ludicrous fine imposed by the SFA after a quite ridiculous display of refereeing by Dougie MacDonald at Rugby Park two years ago. Levein refused to kowtow to the beaks even when the fine doubled then quadrupled and, in the end, the SFA buckled and a compromise was reached. Levein  - and Hearts  - took on the suits and won and there were red faces at Hampden. Then, last month, the SFA refused to even consider Hearts request for an inquiry into linesman Andy Davis’ mysterious decision that led to a penalty kick to Rangers in the last minute of a game at Tynecastle. Saulius Mikoliunas was rightly ordered off for his reaction but was hit by an over reactionary ban of eight matches. However, the beaks were embarrassed again when an independent tribunal decided to cut the length of the ban imposed on the Lithuanian. Hearts 2 SFA 0.

The SFA are many things but one thing they are not is naïve. They knew that a certain element of Hearts fans, no matter how small, would totally disrespect the minute’s silence to mark the passing of a religious leader. They knew these people would embarrass Hearts. But still they went ahead with the decision to have a minute’s silence. Would the SFA have agreed to this if the semi-final had been between Celtic and Rangers? Somehow, I think not.

Phil Anderton is right – the so-called Hearts fans who booed and jeered at Hampden on Sunday have no place at Tynecastle. They have been rightly been condemned and they have brought shame on the club. If Hearts can identify them, those people will surely face a lifetime ban from Tynecastle. But at least Hearts have demonstrated they are determined to tackle the problem. The fact that several thousand Celtic fans reacted with chants of ‘dirty orange bastards’ seems to have passed many observers by. As does the fact that pro IRA sings emanate from Celtic fans at every Celtic-Hearts game I’ve been to. Equally, Rangers show little signs of quelling the anti-Catholic stance of many of their supporters. But, hey, I’m forgetting – the Old Firm fans are the greatest in the world aren’t they?

Meanwhile, it’s hardly unsurprising that there’s been next to no reaction from Scottish football’s governing body about Sunday’s debacle. I envisaged David Taylor and his cronies tut-tutting at kick-off and passing each other a knowing wink. We’ll show those tykes from Tynecastle who’s in charge.

And the image of the game in Scotland takes yet another battering…..

 

Mike Smith, 11 April 2005

The infamous Mrs Smith snarled to me the other day that I have become a creature of habit. As we approach 23 years of wedded ‘bliss’ I was somewhat taken aback by her snide comment as Saturday has always meant going to the Hearts game. Even when my two daughters were born, this didn’t change (Chong, get your priorities right my good man!) But she qualified it somewhat by opining that as Hearts weren’t playing last Saturday I was something like a fish out of water. However, it got me thinking about how predictable I’ve become by maintaining the ritual that is Following the Hearts (available from the cl.. – get on with it – Ed) For instance, here’s my schedule for a typical game at Tynecastle:

12.30      Arrive at The Station Tavern, Gorgie Road. Barmaid sees me arrive and instantly begins to pour a pint of Tennents Velvet.

13.30      Three pints in and already there’s the first reference to how no one can lace Rab Prentice’s boots.

14.45   Leave the pub in a much more expectant mood than two hours previously.

14.50      Negotiate the steps up the Wheatfield Stand, trying to evade a middle aged woman bawling ‘Half Time Draw Tickets’ at the top of her voice. I get enough of women bawling at home…

15.0       Game kicks off with the last strains of Hector Nicol fading away.

15.05      First shout from the crowd urging Jamie McAllister to go forth and multiply.

15.15      First comparison of Robbie Neilson to famous biblical figure as in ‘Jesus Christ, Robbie!’

15.20      Stephen Simmons likened to the contents of the overflowing urinal in the downstairs gents.

15.21      Member of Masonic Lodge of dubious parentage wearing luminous yellow shirt and struggling to keep up with play is identified as a Mr Dallas from Motherwell….

15.40      Mass exodus of fans head for a piss, pie, hot dog or any combination of the three in a usually failed attempt to beat the queues.

15.45   Half-time arrives – it’s generally agreed that Dennis Wyness is akin to the canal which joins the womb and vulva of the female mammal and is less than competent in the art of putting the ball in the net (look it up – Ed)

15.55  Several hundred crumpled pieces of paper are collectively tossed into the air as the winning ticket for the half time draw is announced. My mate gets within ten thousand of the winning number. He’s rather sceptical as less than five thousand tickets were sold….

16.00   Second half kicks off to loud cheers – Scott Wilson announces that Hibs are two goals down at half-time.

16.02   The vast majority of those who sit in our section of the Wheatfield Stand returns to their seats.

16.20      I remark that this game is tedious and has goalless draw written all over it. The forwards haven’t got a clue and Lee Miller has done feck all.

16.21      Lee Miller scores a wonder goal from twenty five yards after beating three men on the edge of the penalty box. I always knew he was liable to score a goal out of nothing.

16.35   The part-time Hearts fans head for the exits. The fiftysomethings mutter something about having to pick up the wife from the Gyle Shopping Centre while those with kids argue their case for getting home in time to watch Ant and Dec…

16.40 Obligatory ‘how long is there to go’ question – particularly prevalent if Hearts are leading by a single goal.

16.45    Hugh Dallas, anxious to find out the score from Ibrox, blows for full-time right on cue. Hearts have scraped a victory and all’s well with the world. We join the cue for the exits.

17.02  We finally snake our way down the steps of the stand and head for The Station Tavern. The general consensus of opinion is that the game was shite, Hearts were rubbish and there must be better things to do on a Saturday afternoon.

See you next week then!

 

Mike Smith, 27 March 2005

 

Watching Scotland’s rugby players giving a committed but ultimately losing performance against the Auld Enemy at the weekend brought back memories of a bitter sweet weekend fifteen years ago. On 17 March 1990 Scotland triumphed over England at Murrayfield to clinch an historic Grand Slam. While Edinburgh celebrated I, along with three thousand other Hearts fans, was at Pittodrie Stadium to witness Hearts bowing out of the Scottish Cup after a 4-1 demolition by Aberdeen. It was a long journey back to the capital as Hearts were very much fancied to end years of near misses and go on to lift the cup. Although Hearts ended season 1989/90 as joint runners-up in the Premier League – they shared that mantle with Aberdeen albeit both clubs were seven points behind champions Rangers in the days when just two points were awarded for a win - the end of Alex MacDonald’s managerial career at Tynecastle was about to come into view. Doddy was sacked six months later following an inauspicious start to season 1990/91 and it was the end of an era in Gorgie.

You may think this is yet another inane rambling by a forty something Hearts fan thinking back on what might have been but after hearing comments from some disgruntled Hearts fans after last Saturday’s victory over Livingston I wonder why, as Jambos, their expectations are evidently much higher than to be regarded as realistic. In recent years, Hearts have been, the Old Firm excepted, the most consistent team in the Premier League. Third place in successive seasons have meant regular, memorable forays into Europe. That this has been achieved against a backdrop of spiralling debt, continuous cutbacks, antagonism towards the board of directors and a very real threat to our spiritual home of Tynecastle Stadium, is nothing short of remarkable. Craig Levein and now John Robertson deserve immense credit for continuing to thrive in the face of adversity.

At the beginning of this season, I said on this website that Hearts could not expect to punch above their weight yet again particularly as yet another group of players which included Andy Kirk and Steven Boyack departed Gorgie. I said back in August I’d gladly settle for another top six finish and a decent cup run. Well, despite a change of manager, despite the sale of Tynecastle coming within a hairs breadth of becoming reality, despite Craig Levein poaching Messrs. Maybury, De Vries and Kisnorbo, despite an almost horrendous injury list, Hearts have secured that top six finish and have had not one, not two but three decent cup runs, one of which is still not over. But still the negativity emanates from the Tynecastle stands. I cringed when I heard stadium announcer Graeme Easton mention the names of Jamie McAllister, Stephen Simmons and Robbie Neilson in the Hearts starting line-up on Saturday. It wasn’t long before all three were being urged to ‘go forth and multiply’ by a hypercritical Hearts support that numbered little more than 9,000.

Of course those who part with hard-earned cash have the right to voice their opinions. But just as our Head Coach has earned something of a reputation of being a moaner, so too have the fans become perhaps the hardest to please in the country. Some people may find this difficult to comprehend but there have been more positives than negatives in Gorgie this term. The three Lithuanian players have been a revelation. The departure of Alan Maybury was a huge loss but the emergence of young Lee Wallace as a full-back of immense promise has been an unexpected bonus – the new Gary Naysmith in this writer’s opinion. Lee Miller is a much better striker than the injury prone Mark De Vries who, at the time of writing, has still to score at the right end for Leicester City. Paul Hartley has emerged as skilful as any Hearts player in recent memory and a Scotland cap beckons for the man whose career undoubtedly went into reverse during his time at Easter Road. And one of the most inspirational skippers Hearts have ever had – and the man who may well be groomed to become the next Hearts manager, Steven Pressley - has committed himself to at least another two years in Gorgie.

Okay, Hearts may not get into the U.E.F.A Cup next season. But given the wind of change at Tynecastle this season that has, at times, reached hurricane proportions, the fact we’ll go into April still with a chance of gaining entry to European competition speaks volumes for the resilience of this great club of ours. We would have been grateful for such a scenario a decade ago when Tommy McLean’s tenure as Hearts manager flirted with relegation play-offs. And we would have positively lapped this up twenty-four years ago when East Stirling and Queens Park were boasting of wins over the famous Heart of Midlothian.

All of which just goes to prove – nostalgia ain’t what it used to be!

 

Mike Smith, 20 March 2005

 

"Right you" hissed the infamous Mrs Smith, "I've booked us a week in Tenerife in February"
"That's nice dear" I whined, "but it means I'll miss the Hearts-Kilmarnock game at Tynecastle and it’s wasting my hard- earned season ticket.

“You must think I'm stupid" she retorted, "you were at the Hearts-Kilmarnock game last Saturday. Even I know you don't play the same team twice in the same week. Anyway, it's booked now - here's your credit card back......"
Okay, I thought. A week in the sun sounds good, even if it means being with she who must be obeyed for a solid week. But you know my luck....

The challenge I faced was not finding how Hearts were doing on 12^th February – in this age of internet technology and satellite communications that was the easy part – but convincing Mrs Smith that she had my undivided attention. After all this was the reason, apparently, why we were on holiday. But with careful planning and a bit of luck I was confident of success particularly as the television in our hotel room had SKY Sports One for free.

Saturday afternoon arrived and my usual pre-match tension was increased by the fact we were hundreds of miles away from Gorgie and I had no idea of team news. And my mobile phone, which normally keeps me updated with text messages, couldn’t get a connection.

“You know, my dear,” I said pleadingly and with more than a touch of sarcasm, “I’m rather tired from all our wild parties this week. Why don’t we just lie by the hotel pool and relax this afternoon?”

Taking the bait, Mrs Smith readily agreed. And, while the weather for much of the week on

 

the sunshine island had been anything but sunshine, Lady Luck smiled on me and the sun

 

broke through the clouds on Saturday lunchtime. An afternoon attempting to get a suntan

 

beckoned. And quick access to the football results had been successfully negotiated. As we

 

lay on our respective sun loungers, a quick glance at the watch told me it was shortly after

 

three o’clock. Time to instigate Operation Killie.

“It’s hot – why don’t I nip up to our room and make us both a chilled drink? You just lie there, dear…”

Mrs Smith grunted in agreement so I darted to our room and switched on the television. As luck would have it, Hearts scored twice within the opening half hour and I gave thanks to Miko for easing my nerves. Mrs Smith was quick to note on my return that, not only had it taken me fully thirty minutes to fill two glasses of chilled fruit juice, my general demeanour seemed much more relaxed than when before I departed. Her suspicions were further aroused when, forty minutes later I readily offered to refill the glasses and disappeared to discover Hearts had scored a third, Hibs were three goals down at Ibrox and the world was a much better place.

As I rejoined Mrs Smith at 4.55, my ruse had been well and truly rumbled.

“So I take it Hearts won?” she snapped as I almost dropped her not so chilled fruit juice over her. The rest of Saturday evening was taken up with me explaining that as the fridge in our room appeared to be faulty, I was trying to fix the ice compartment in order that I could attend to my beloved’s needs. She wasn’t convinced but it was worth it knowing that Hearts had won convincingly, the boys had played well, a psychological edge had been gained ahead of the Scottish Cup replay at Rugby Park and the boys in maroon were now just a couple of points behind the Green Brazil from Leith.

And I celebrated with something a wee bit stronger than fruit juice!

 

 

Mike Smith, February 2005 

 

I gave another airing to The Beatles classic album Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club the other day. The opening lyrics to ‘A Day in the Life’ rang true – I Heard the News Today, Oh Boy……I had just heard that Alan Maybury and Mark De Vries were set to leave Tynecastle to team up again with Craig Levein at Leicester City. While De Vries will forever be remembered for those four goals he scored against Hibernian two and a half years ago (is it really as long ago as that?) I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that we had seen the best of the big Surinamese striker. He scored two goals in Brag earlier this season but, in truth, has done little else of note in an injury-hit season. I had expected De Vries to leave but my heart sank when I heard that Alan Maybury would joining him on the flight to East Midlands Airport…

Irish Alan, as Hearts fans affectionately dubbed him, came to Gorgie a little over three years ago having been deemed surplus to requirements by a Leeds United team ‘chasing the dream’. A lot was made of the fact that while Maybury had limited first team experience at Elland Road, he did play in a Champions League tie against Italian giants Lazio. Craig Levein certainly recognised the Irishman’s qualities and in the three years that followed, Maybury’s determined and committed performances at right back were a feature of Hearts play.

Hearts were often deemed a physical side under Craig Levein but a will to win and imperishable spirit were epitomised by Maybury whose forages down the flanks would thrill Hearts supporters. He made his debut on 13 October 2001 against St. Johnstone at Tynecastle. Hearts had struggled in the month prior to Maybury’s arrival and had just gone out of the League Cup to Ross County on penalty kicks. But the Irishman’s inspired performance against the Perth Saints helped Hearts to a convincing 3-0 win and Maybury wasted little time in becoming a firm favourite with the fans.

Although hardly a prolific goalscorer – his aim was to prevent goals not score them – few who witnessed the first of his four goals for Hearts would ever forget it. Just before Christmas 2002, Hearts had struggled to break down a resilient Partick Thistle team at Tynecastle. With just minutes remaining and a goalless draw looking on the cards, Maybury took the ball on the right wing and galloped into the Thistle penalty box. With most of the home support urging the full back to deliver a telling cross, Maybury smashed an unstoppable shot into the roof of the net to give Hearts a valuable 1-0 win. Tynecastle erupted! Maybury was mobbed by delirious team mates as Hearts fans and players alike acclaimed a superb strike.

But it was for his battling defensive qualities that Alan Maybury is best remembered. If there were a fifty-fifty ball to be contested, those of us who like a wee flutter would never bet against Maybury coming out on top. He played a crucial part in Hearts memorable U.E.F.A. Cup campaign earlier this season, although, personally, I thought his finest hour and a half came in Bordeaux last season – Maybury was immense that night. But that’s not to say he was not a skilful player – in what proved to be his last game for Hearts, Maybury showed a superb piece of skill shortly before passing the ball to Paul Hartley (who unfortunately hit a misplaced pass which led Hibs to opened the scoring – but we’ll gloss over that…) The fact that Alan is now a regular in the impressive Republic of Ireland team speaks volumes for his qualities as a player.

Part of the lyrics of  ‘A Day in the Life’ mentions a lucky guy who made the grade. It was more than just luck that saw Alan Maybury make the grade. He was, in my opinion, one of the finest full backs to play for Hearts in the last twenty years. It pains me to say he’ll be sorely missed at Tynecastle – but I know every Hearts supporter will wish Irish Alan all the very best at Leicester.

 

 Mike Smith, January 2005

 

 

A few weeks ago I wrote a piece for jambos.net called The Future’s Bright. I opined that, under John Robertson, Hearts would likely play more of a passing game than they did under Craig Levein while the imminent arrival of Vladimir Romanov could see the club’s debt become a thing of the past. Of course, being a Hearts fan I should have known better than to let wild optimism go to my head…

When the January transfer window opened we knew there would be departures from Tynecastle as those Hearts players out of contract at the end of the season chose to jump ship now rather than wait for the harbours of new clubs to come into view. We also knew that Craig Levein would don his pirate’s costume and plunder the good ship Heart of Midlothian with Mark De Vries, Patrick Kisnorbo and, most damagingly of all, Alan Maybury all heading for the Walkers Stadium. De Vries and Kisnorbo have struggled to make an impression this season (De Vries’ two goals in Braga apart) but the loss of Maybury is a huge blow to John Robertson’s hopes of maintaining Hearts as the third force in Scottish football. Such hopes appear to be disappearing fast…

I wrote at the start of this season that I worried about the threadbare nature of Hearts squad. If I was worried then, I’m close to panic stricken now. Andy Kirk, Scott Severin and Steven Boyack all left Tynecastle last season – Jamie McAllister and Ramon Pereira were drafted in. Given that Pereira has now been linked with Nottingham Forest and Hearts have now waved Maybury and De Vries out of the Tynecastle exit door (with Kisnorbo soon to be joining them) one can only feel sympathy for John Robertson. Robbo’s been told he has to save another £1.2m from the wage bill. At this rate, the wee man is going to have a squad of just fourteen players. Given the drastic cutbacks Hearts have had to face almost every year since they won the Scottish Cup nearly seven years ago, one has to ask what the hell is going on at our once great club?

Hearts have finished third in the SPL in successive seasons and have enjoyed moderate, yet money spinning, runs in the U.E.F.A. Cup as a result. The home ties with Schalke 04 and Ferencvaros in particular must have made some impact on Hearts bank balance. They attracted Hearts biggest home attendances in fifteen years, for heaven’s sake. The size of the playing squad has been cut every year since 1998. Hearts have the biggest home attendances outside the Old Firm (although Aberdeen are likely to take this mantle this year) Every club has to sell players as was demonstrated by Rangers when they sold Jean-Alain Boumsoung to Newcastle United earlier this month. But why is it that Hearts have to sell more than most? The accumlative shredding of the squad has resulted in some poor Hearts performances this season and with the blow of losing Alan Maybury, in particular, one can only fear for the rest of the season. Yes, Hearts are still in the Scottish Cup (although the replay with a revitalised Partick Thistle will still prove tricky) and we have a CIS Insurance Cup semi-final to look forward to. But third place in the SPL is fast becoming a distant prospect. Yet John Robertson will still be expected to deliver the goods.

In my view it’s those in the boardroom who have to deliver. I can only hope some serious questions are asked at the AGM at the end of the month. Because if the proposed take-over by Vladimir Romanov fails to materialise, Tynecastle will be demolished and Hearts will be moving to Murrayfield. And those same boardroom members who have cut Hearts finances to the core may find there’s nothing left to deliver….

 

Mike Smith, January 2005

 

January – Hearts score fifteen goals without reply in the derby at Easter Road –    John Robertson scores the fifteenth from the halfway line. Tony Mowbray says his team played all the football and Hearts got lucky. Gretna knock Dundee United out of the Scottish Cup and Ian McCall is told to stay away from Tannadice, morning, noon and night. February – Stevie Crawford celebrates a return to Easter Road by hitting the winner against Motherwell – to put Hearts into the League Cup Final. Kilmarnock sign injury prone Paul Ritchie, a one-legged Neil McCann and 67 year old Alan Lawrence. All three play against Hearts at Tynecastle alongside Allan Johnston, Gary Locke and Gary Wales as the Hearts team of 1996 loses 5-0. March – Rangers score in the fourteenth minute of injury time to rescue a 1-1 draw at Tynecastle. Scotland’s World Cup hopes are finally destroyed as a weakened Italy team win 12-0 in Rome. The Italians show great sportsmanship by playing 55 year old Pasquale Bruno in goal but to no effect. Bruno signs for Kilmarnock soon after. John Rowbotham referees the League Cup Final and sends off the entire Hearts team for entering the field of play without permission. Rangers then kick-off and win 1-0 although there’s a hint of suspicion about Nacho Novo’s late winner…. April – Hearts trip to Celtic Park is switched to Sunday for live coverage on Setanta. Angry at missing the omnibus edition of EastEnders, my wife throws the remote control at the television and it bounces off the screen. Chris Sutton falls down, Celtic are awarded a penalty kick and Hearts lose 1-0. May –The final Edinburgh derby is played at Murrayfield Stadium. Tony Mowbray is angered by the decision by the SPL to award Hearts three goals every time a shot at goal goes over the bar. Mark De Vries bags five hat-tricks as Hearst win 35-0. Hibs reach the Scottish Cup final but get lost en route to Hampden Park. Celtic win the trophy by default. June – Alan Maybury, Paul Hartley and Phil Stamp sign for Leicester City. Martin O’Neil leaves Celtic for Manchester United. The Celtic board announce they are looking for an experienced manager with an in-depth knowledge of the game and whose man-management skills are second to none. They immediately contact Tony Mowbray – surely the Hibs manager knows someone from England who fits the bill? July – John Robertson is missing as Hearts parade new signings Hadinov, Krossitova and Snaphislegsov. Hearts agree to play a pre-season friendly in an impoverished run-down town in Lithuania where poverty and depravation are a way of life. Robbo says it’s the ideal preparation for the first Edinburgh derby of the season at Easter Road. August – Tony Mowbray resigns after Hibs accept a five figure sum from Plymouth Argyle for Derek Riordan - £101.50. Alex McLeish returns to Easter Road as Hibs new manager and promises to take the team to a new level. Hibs fans begin looking out old maps of Stranraer…. September – Hearts knock out Real Madrid from the U.E.F.A. Cup to qualify for the lucrative group stages. They are drawn with Anderlecht, Paris St. Germain, Hamburg and Real Maroon FC who began their U.E.F.A. Cup campaign in January in the Inter-Toto Cup. U.E.F.A deny the competition has been devalued… October – The Monopolies Commission investigate as Hearts win another Edinburgh derby at Tynecastle. Walter Smith resigns as Scotland manager after Scotland’s slump in the world rankings reaches an all-time low. They are now behind Dalkeith Thistle Ladies Over-55s team who admit they are interested in Hibs’ Tam ‘The Bam’ McManus – they want to know where he get his hair done… November – Controversy as John Robertson appears to give a curt response when asked about who will be arriving at Tynecastle when the transfer window re-opens in January. It soon emerges that Lithuanian full-back Ivan Fuctifino has signed a pre-contract deal with Hearts. December – Hearts qualify for the last 32 of the U.E.F.A. Cup making it a double Edinburgh celebration as Hibs register their interest for the first 832 of next season’s Inter-Diddy Cup. The Lithuanian ‘revolution’ at Tynecastle has been a great success. Hearts sit second in the SPL while even the fans are getting into the spirit of things by urging John Robertson to replace Jamie McAllister with another Lithuanian import Gerrimoff. Sales of the hugely popular book Follow the Hearts reach an all-time high......... Roll on 2006!    Mike Smith, January 2005