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Chapter 1: Nick, Lyla, George, and the magic Underware
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It was a lonely night out as sea and the waves were calm. Nick sat in the rigging of the sails when he suddenly saw something glimmering out in the dark water. It was a fish, struggling to free itself from the grasp of a giant tentacle. The thing on the other end of the tentacle surfaced.
It was an enormous krakken, preparing to swallow the fish whole and digest it slowly, starting with its smallest fin and working up to the larger parts, which were mainly its lips. The thing's lips were huge and blue, either from cold or suffacation. The fish's mouth gaped as it was swallowed whole by the Krakken and Nick stared in horror, the rigging of the sails still in his hands.
He screamed in terror. Turning to run he realized he was still up in the rigging and had developed a sudden fear of heights. His hand came loose and he screamed as he fell face first toward the the deck, but then a tentacle grabbed him and held him aloft, saving him, for the time being. Nick had a terrible feeling that later the thing would eat him by tearing him apart limb from limb.
But, to the contrary, the krakken was only interested on going on a trip back to the Caribbean where his home was and make Nick his date to the undersea creature expo. He would take the sailor there and show him off like the catch of the day, putting him in a cage and brag to his friends and enemies about how poor Nick tried to kill him with a huge whale gun. Nick, however, had only been interested in running and screaming like a pitiful little HOOMAN.
Nick was frantically running around his cage, banging on the door. He finally gave up and decided to try to bribe the guard of his cage into letting him out. Nick began to try to catch a fish to give the guard, who happened to be a young teenage krakken. He constantly stank of fish, so Nick figured that he would want one.
He finally caught a fish, only to find it was a mermaid's tail. She turned and saw that Nick had grabbed her tail, and she prepared to slap him. Nick let go of her tail and began appolgizing frantically. The mermaid laughed at him and Nick explained his predicament, ending by asking her for help. The Mermaid would grow bored of him and decided to help him out anyway.
The mermaid went up to the guard and tried to convince him to let her take him on a date. The guard grunted and said yes. The mermaid asked him to let her guard the prisioner while the he went on coffee break. The guard came back to find that nobody was there. He punched the wall in frustration, leaving a dent. Somebody came out, it was the krakken who brought Nick to the expo. He wanted to see how his display was doing and when he saw his trophy catch gone, he fell over laughing. It was all a trick the krakken played because he had wanted to get back at his girlfriend, who had been the mermaid.
He knew that Lyla, the mermaid, would like Nick from the beginning, so he devised a plan to trick her into cheating on him. The Krakken, named George, had had his plan for many days now, waiting for a perfect chance to get an excuse to dump Lyla. Lyla, however had other plans. She actually liked Nick, unlike George, whom she considered to be a flatulent pig, unworthy of her time. Lyla planned to rescue Nick and use it as the perfect oppertunity to dump George, who she had heard talking about her. She simply couldn't let that happen, after all, she was Lyla, the mermaid, who was destined to rule the undersea kingdom, since she was the princess.
She had decided that Nick the sailor, who-could-suddenly-breathe-underwater-without-anything-to-help-him, would make a decent king. The only problem was that whatever force was keeping him from drowning was wearing off because we all realized that he could breathe under water, which wasn't natural, so the problem was that he couldn't breathe underwater. Lyla decided to visit an underwater mage, conveniently located at the intersection of Conch and Coral, and named Ursula. She offered to allow Nick to live underwater in return for her lost underware.
It was stolen years and years ago from her and contained great power. It was stolen by the one and only, GEORGE! Who sold them to Pyrrah's dragon, Phorrj. Lyla went to Phorrj, asking for her underpants back. He replied rather hautily, that the underpants were sold to somebody by the name of 'Spongebob' in exchange for a rather striking looking snail. Lyla, relieved to return to the ocean, to find Spongebob, who said he had sold it to the squid next door in exchange for an old clarinet, which he stated was for unclogging toilets. (Remember? "Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.")
Lyla groaned, exiting the house to go to the house next door, owned by none other than George, Lyla's ex-boyfriend Krakken who kidnapped Nick to use as a display in an udersea-expo, which was really a cover-up for George's plot to catch Lyla cheating so he could dump her.
Lyla strode, well, swam, up to the tiki-like house. She knocked on the door, to find it was George. She slapped him accross the face, then demanded that he return her undergarments. He walked, alright, swam, up the stairs, and came down with a very tiny bra.
"You left this here last week," he said as he handed it to Lyla. Lyla blushed a funny shade of purple then demanded to have the mage's magic underware back, not her own bra. George smiled and said that he planned on keeping it for old times sake, but he was willing to give it up in exchange for a used pair of underwear and another boy to put on display in his windows.
Then eat him for a long dead friend he promised he would eat the boy that killed him. He got bored trying to catch Nick, so he would eat any boy, even the fat ones, like Artha or the overly skinny and pale ones like Moordryd. Lyla decided on finding a fat homeless person nobody liked. She knew just the person and he happened to be named Phistus. He had been Down City Council leader, until he lost power to a young teen named Artha Penn. Penn got into power by using Wraith Dragons to trip his dragon, named Brutarus.
Lyla, however, felt sorry for Phistus and became his friend. She decided not to feed him to George and instead settled on giving George Mortis the guide and mentor to our favorite Mary Sue, Artha Penn, who took over Phistus' job by tripping his dragon Brutaris during a jousting match. Lyla returned to the house of George, Artha in hand, grinning madly. George opened the door, finding Lyla and Artha on his doorstep. He said that his thoughts were running around 'OMGWTFBBQ?!', and similar things, such as 'Why'd you bring me this stupid canon Sue? He had wanted to have Word Penn or Connor Paynn!' They were relatively unknown people, working together as dragon and dragon, living out their lives in the legendary Old City, inconveniently located at the bottom of Dragon City.
Lyla sighed before hugging a stuffed teddy that she had found under the couch at the Paynn residence last week. It was very dusty, slightly damp, and reeked of dragon waste. She began to wonder how many Wraiths had used it as chewtoys, until a tag was found, stating that the teddy was created last week at a Microsoft building in New York City, California.
She sighed once more, before heading to the dragon temple, where she intended to retfieve SOMEBODY, even if it wasn't Mortis, to feed to George, who had refused Artha. Lyla snagged the first person she saw, who happened to be Arroww, Beau's brother, a Canadian dragon that hatched three thousand years ago. Though he was tough and a little bony, Lyla thought he would make a wonderful pet and playmate for Beau, who Lyla would then get close to Artha, who she could do 'stuff' to. Once Lyla had his complete trust, she attacked him with a roll of Duct tape and green trapping gear. She took him as the sacrifice to George, who promptly rejected him as too much of a Gary Stu, and also way too obnoxious.
Lyla smacked her head; she'd forgotten she'd already offered Artha to George and fetched MORTIS and KITT WONN, to dance the calyso with the Jolly Green Giant, a vegetarian and a meat-hater, AKA Toucan sam, the brightly coloured bird known to lay eggs and have kids, despite the fact he's a male. Then again male seahorses are genetically hardwired to do the same thing despite the fact that clams like to eat them, and sharks find them to be wonderful toothpicks. They enjoy advertising Toucan Sam's brightly colored fruit loops. They are supposedly cereal, but in reality they are filled with microchips to track the movements of everyone that consumes them in a giant government conspiracy to control the minds of everyone outside of the Illuminati, including gargoyles, wraiths, banshees and minotaurs.
Due to the fact that to the government they are beasts of a parallel realm they have no rights or voices with them in any way, shape, or Life, after all, banshees areundead creatures that love to hug, kiss, haunt, and generally screw with people, both figiuratively and literally. The good part is that they tend to stick to people's Imaginations, only bothering people intheir favorite easy chairs, living rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms, and especially toilets. The government planned on using Banshees to de-throne Lyla, who they were enraged at for marrying Nick.
Lyla, however sought refuge in a ghost-proof room with Nick, who she hadn't yet officially married. The two stared at each other long and hard, knowing that if Lyla didn't succeed, Nick would quiver like a bowl of jello in an earthquake, and become unable to breathe, thus turning him a lovely shade of purple, indigo and plaid, making Lyla give him mouth to mouth in order to Revive him, only she didn't realize that because they were underwater and she breathed water, all she would be doing was filling his lungs with liquid, Which would definitely kill him dead, sending him to Davy Jones' locker, known for stripping the dead to the bones and sending the skeletons to rattle in someone's closet. Fortunately, the skeletons always keep their money, which some people find very very disturbing since they kept it in their skulls.
Lyla still needed to retrieve the mage, named Ursula's, magic underwear from George, who she needed to feed somebody in order for him to give it to her so she could have Ursula give Nick the power to breathe underwater. Nick, in the meantime, still in the ghost-proof room with Lyla, hiding from the Banshees the government intended to use to de-throne Lyla, who they didn't want as queen since she was going to marry Nick, was beginning to find it very hard to breathe. Lyla knew she had to Get the sacrifice to George soon, or whatever force keeping Nick alive would fade. Lyla checked her watch, shaped in a shell for convenience.
The convenience part Lyla had yet to figure out, but sometime these banshees had to go and get their phantom nails polished and their floaty bed-head hair fixed and their spooking licenses checked to make sure they were scaring everyone right. Lyla knew that they simply had to leave sometime, and this room was quite ghost-proofed, and had a built-in and fully stocked fridge, complete with three sodas.
Nick was finding he was having trouble breathing, and Lyla knew what she had to do. She gathered all her remaining courage and kissed him on the lips before swimming out into the open water to find a sacrifice for George. She grabbed George's hated mother-in-law, and threw her into George's open mouth, before he knew who it was. George ate her, remarking that she tasted somewhat squid-y, and slightly old, and a bit flabby. He handed Lylaa set of glue-on gills, the cheap kind, with ugly blue sparkles. Lyla glared at him, "This isn't what you said you'd give me! I want the magic underware and my extra bra! Wait. I didn't say that. I want my other few undergarments that you have of mine, even though since I have a fish's tail I can't wear anything but my tail-undies and my bra! I'll let you keep that one, but I NEED the magic underware!"
George forked over an old and vastly oversized set of Ninja Turtles underwear, somewhat soiled from their last 'accident', and certainly not fit to wear, reeking of Lord-knows-what. Lyla grimaced and took the mage's magic underware. She left George's cave and went to wash those nasty things, patch up the holes, and dig a grave for Nick. On second thought, two graves, the second one for George, and he might end up with a roommate, a nice big hole for Nick's human body, After the the underwater breathing ceremony was completed, Nick would be turned into a merman and lose his human body.
The ceremony would take place without any real fanfare, and George will die in the process, only to be resurected as a merman himself. George, however, had been preparing for this so he could take over the underwater world. But first, he had to clean the tables, wash out the toilet, and take a boiling oil shower.
Lyla swam as fast as she could to that mage, who was sitting in her shop conveniently located on the intersection of Conch and Coral Streets.
"Welcome, child, you have my underwear?" The mage, Ursula asked.
Lyla nodded and forked them over, but only after putting them on a ten-foot pole. Ursula grinned, then took them in her hand, rubbing her cheek on the rotten-smelling cloth. Lyla couldn't help but gag, promptly puking her lunch, which had consisted of fried merman, slow-cooked over an undersea vent, fried fries, and Word Paynn's left-hand claws. That was what it looked like, but it was mostly fish.
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Chapter 2- Ursula's Other Demands
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As Lyla glanced about the room, Ursula made on more demand. She said that Lyla had to clean the entire house of Ursula, with only a toothbrush, missing the majority of its bristles, and a toilet bowl brush, with the remains of what appeared to be horribly abused looking Artha Plushie. Lyla kindly flushed it down the toilet, so it could go the big nice place that all plushies go to after they're 'dead'. Even though Lyla knew that the plushie would probably be torn apart by Sue hating sewer rats, she felt she had to free it from the terrible sea witch who had been using it on her toilet brush to clean things nastier than toilets.
After Lyla had a respectful silence for the abused Artha plushie, she then turned, going back to her job, soon finding several things hanging around the sea mage's house, including a Parm toy, which was totally nude and decorated with pins, a cross, and a large vat of ashed, marked clearly "STUFF I HATE". Lyla dared to glance into the large vat and saw another Artha plushie, this one with its head ripped off but no further damage, a book titled 'Remystified Mysteries Demystified', along with a bunch of bent paper clips, stuck through a piece of paper with small dots of blood all over it. Lyla shuddered and continued to dust with her toothbrush. As she did so, she encountered such horrors as more maimed plushies, as well as a mysteriously well-kept Moordryd doll, and a pretty good looking duplicate of Beau. Lyla then began to wonder how the DB world worked. Anyways, how did Beau sprout those frills and fly?? They gave insufficient lift to keep him airborne for any amount of time. Lyla sighed. She would have to ask either Word Pinhead or Artha Pain-In-The-!&# how he didi it.
Mulling these curious thoughts over, Lyla did not notice as Ursula crept up behind her and scared the living daylights out of her. She span round and brushed Ursula's teeth with the old and worn brush! Ursula smiled, now knowing that her teeth were much whiter, but they were still an ugly shade of green yellow with looked like the innards of something that died. Lyla shuddered and wondered what sort of toothpaste the witch used or didn't use. She looked away and her gaze found a micro-version of the towers used to freeze people, like in the DB episode 'Wraith Booster'. She stared at it, horrified, and Ursula said solemly, "They make wonderful snacks, cook quickly, and are very tender. The other red meat, so to speak."
Lyla shuddered at the thought of deep fried baby, but the more she thought about it, the more it sounded like a unique and tasty treat, perhaps well worth the trouble of having kids. Lyla licked her lips, then shook her head. What was she thinking? Babies were just babies, they weren't for eating, but... Well, a little taste couldn't hurt... Perhaps she could ask for a bite. Wait, hold on a minute, she was thinking about babies instead of poor old Nick. She remembered that she had brought with her a baby, freshly dead, that might make a tasty treat, and then she can go save poor old Nick. Maybe she should rename him to 'Santa'?
Suddenly Lyla had a better idea. Lifting up the entire toilet, she crept over to Ursula and smashed her over the had with the toilet, but to her surprise the toilet turned out to be made of the same stuff as a break-away vase (the stuff they smash over people's heads in plays and movies). Lyla groaned as Ursula turned around and stuffed a fried BABY down her throat, big toe first!! Lyla began to gag and tried to get it down, the meaty thing ending up to be quite delicious, unpolluted by drugs of any type, but Lyla soon realized what she had done, as Ursula jammed the thing's softened skull down her throat, clamping the 'trap' shut afterwards, so one could not puke, only hope to get it all digested. Lyla resisted the urge to gag, especially whenever Ursula stripped to nudity and got into a duct tape suit. Lyla then was overwhelmed by the urge to lay an egg!
She gasped in horror as she heard a farting sound, and it was coming from behind her. Lyla slowly turned around to find Artha and Moordryd, having farting contests with their dragons! Lyla stared, then promptly decided to join in, farting right along with the others. Lyla soon began to rip the biggest broccoli-cheese casserole farts to ever appear in the known universe, excluding those made by Lyla's father himself!
Moordryd and Artha then proceeded to gawk at her unseeingly, stunned by the smelliness of it all, and their apparent un-drown-y-ness Moordryd then began turning around, taking his shirt off in the process, and forcing it down Beau's throat, followed closely by himself. Artha stared wide-eyed at Moordryd's wedgie-ified pink-heart underwear, exposed when Beau clawed his pants off. Artha then began to laugh uncontrollably at Beau's apparent meal, the once-brilliant Moordryd now jamming himself down Beau's big throat. Moordryd glanced around himself, satisfied that he'd be digested. Eventually. the smell of the bile and acid seriously turned him on, for some reason. Not sure why. He turned round and grabbed Artha, while Beau just gulped them both down. Yay for vore! Lyla then stuck her hands in the air and began a dance called the Dragon's Tango! You put your one tail in, you put your one tail out you put your one tail in and you shake it in Artha's face! That's what it's all about, HEY!
Lyla sobered suddenly, realizing that she had forgotten about poor old Moordryd, trying futilely to die by draconic digestion. But what about Nick? The poor old kid was probably suffocating, but on the other hand, he's lasted this long, he'll be just fine. Of course he was an air-breather, and unlike mermaids, they couldn't breathe underwater. Lyla finished cleaning with the toothbrush and was about to ask Ursula for the magical cure for Nick when Ursula turned around, a mop in hand. She said to 'have some fun' with it, pointing at her own breasts. Lyla grimaced, wishing that Ursula would get her head out of her *!# and keep her end of the stupid little deal. Of course, Ursula had no intention of doing so unless someone would clean the sweat out from under her underarms, like a good little Mexican slave. Lyla shuddered, then asked if she could see Ursula's office. Ursula, surprised, said "Of course, as long as you clean my toenails, give me a massage, and make Artha die in the goriest way possible." Lyla almost retched at the sight of the mental images of the numerous horrors mentioned. But the thought of killing Artha? It made Lyla grin with delight, promptly sprouting nice, feathery white wings, and grabbing a unique pitchfork, named 'Angelfire', +3 to Strength, -1 to Intelligence, and +10 damage. Lyla glanced with dismay at the part about losing some of her intelligence, but what did it matter? She was already slightly moronic, and greatly opinionated, so why would being a little more of a numbskull matter? She might be able to get that Special Ed. she needs, and move on to being a dragon lover. Heck, she might even do just that.
Oh well, no time for that now. Off to hide in Artha's toilet bowl! Then, whenever he decided that his bladder was full, she'd leap up and bite his nads off, while he pissed himself. Or she could just send the pitchfork through is entire body. That would work just as long as he didn't wear his super-cup. The thought of that was just so unlikely, though, that she could probably get away with it, and even give Artha to DC Security. What was she waiting for? Time to start filing complants. meanwhile Nick's skin was turning a faint purple color, but strangely he could still move about and was alive. Lyla stayed in wait for Artha, her pitchfork ready, and pointy. Lyla had decided not to hide in the toilet, but instead she hid in the toilet paper roll. Safe place, at least!
Whenever Artha came into the bathroom, Lyla poked Artha's hand and made it bleed with the pitchfork. Artha squealed like a pig and peed on his shoes. Lyla laughed, then proceeded to castrate and administer a penectomy to Artha. Artha screamed in mixed pain and pleasure. But Lyla still hadn't killed him. She picked up the pitchfork and slapped on an angel costume, only to grab a flaming whip and behead the Sue, painfully. Lyla laughed at the Sue's pitiful attempts at counter attacking, he reached for a Fork, for when Lyla had hidden in the toilet paper roll, she had had to leave a lure of food with a fork nearby, along with a glass of lemonade, mixed with cyanide and dragon urine, fresh from the source, better known as Fracshun. Fracshun never liked Artha, and Lyla couldn't fathom why he ever would. Of course, Fracshun wanted to offer some 'milk' from the same spot, but Lyla was not that cruel.
Artha bit down on the lethal concoction then Artha began to turn a nasty shade of grey and then suddenly a hazy greenish-blue. Artha clutched his stomach as he fell over and started to turn into a dragon, with green and orange, and eyes that were the color of goldish-black. Lyla shuddered at him, for he was sprouting wings and the started to turn funny colors, such as Purple, the Gold and then all of the sudden Artha started to dance the Chicken dance, with a splash of the Macarena. He looked like a flying serpent mixed with a crocodile and he had a head the size of a sperm whale's. The scariest thing was his dance caused everyone else to laugh and point uncontrollably, but it was also scary. It made Lyla want to puke and throw a chicken at him. Of course, that was only her first of many, and then she drink some apple juice, because everybody loves to see someone sit and drink Apple Juice, watch Artha Squirm and scream as more feathers and wings sprung out and then turn an awful shade of greenish-yellow. Then Artha just fell over and started to cry and died. Lyla blinked, wondering why it had taken place, she then jump on beau and ran to tell Ursula that she had had just killed artha and ask what the other tasks were.
Ursula's reply was, "Finish off Penn racing but leave the Dragon Eye Crew to me as I am madly in love with myself and there is nothing you can do to talk me out of it, but maybe if you do this for me I'll give you what you want. I want you to dance around in a chicken, while wearing a pink dress and a purple hat. Lyla sadly put on the pink dress, the purple hat and red, sparkly glitter shoes, just to make sure that Ursula was happy. Lyla was completely embarassed that she was doing this, but then she remembered that Nick was probably suffocating, so she had to through it, and try to do her best, so that Ursula would feel good about herself and give her the potion to save Nick. 'But what dance to try?' she thought to herself
Aaaand, in the next section, the n00bs who hadn't read any of the story starte to post it....
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Chapter 3: The N00bs Started To Post....
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She sighed again and started off with the can-can, followed closely by the man with the red cow. Then the jolly green giant followed by "The tinker has my pots!" and left with Ursula began to wonder what the heck these cookies were for, so she took one and sniffed it surreptitously before finally tasting it and then the rabbit started to dance the tango with a professional dancer. He dropped the rabbit at the end and said the football has got to go to Paris in order to kiss a banana at the subway Under the peanut butter. A pickle was pinned by a lost carrot looking for a way out of the forty-nine floored building so he could jump into a pie and reverse the ovens and eat the said the knitting chimpanzee who had just ate the carrot while he knitted a blue and white Afghan with a red hat for "...PAGE 28?" the turtle said. "Why that could really cause a an overload of the brain so he could count the DUCKS were typing on the Garbage can looking at a huge mutant animal that looked like a rabbit with a horn protruding out of it's back. It hopped over to attack a mouse by the
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