On those days when I have no idea where my Bible is and on the ones when that thought doesn't play in my head to shame me, what colour are the contours of my heart? And do I really live for anything good when I think of nothing but coffee, sleep, and my late paycheck? And what about those days when it's not that I think of nothing but of everything insignificant? my need for a second layer of polish, the grafitti on 109th. I know that the toils that are scrawled in my cemented past are of a more hideous and confusing kind. When I sing a hymn to my Lord and think neither of the significance of His title or the meaning of the song- how much that refrain turns to a clang of brass. Concepts of truth, the everlasting, goodness and a grace beyond all reason- I try to contain it in my intelligence. I try and fail. I should keep straining, or stay in an awe of what evades my senses. Yet I sit content to lower slowly into a familiar darkness by which I'm more comfortable being swallowed. Lukewarm am I and therein the cancer is found. To root it out is painful- But my physician comes highly recommended.
(2004)
Apathy and Affluence
There is obscenity in the arrogance of affluence. Something is sickening to me about the books on my shelf, showcasing my specialities or my sensitivities- pages I'll never bother to read. There are nations without abundance, and how do we balance blessings with boasting, and differentiate apathy from everything aside? ::js::26.02.2006::
Adieu
There is something in this, you know. There is something to this exchange. You scrawl in your whimsical lettering Some numbers and a name A country and a code You dot your i's with hearts and hand the post-it note to me. I think that with this gesture we've politely cut the ties that bind. I write a neat and small address say something about "write me any time" smile and watch you turn toward life in a better far-off place. I place your post-it among the receipts and ticket stubs in my purse and I think about the distance. Don't forget to write.
(2005)
Let Go
You hold to your unique heartache as if it is a badge of honour and you scream in the middle of an empty street "I am not the same for she is gone!" Well, your voice resonates and your response: pidgeons shift their position fluttering away to a safer spot further along the wire.
::js::03.11.2005::
Beauty Unconditional
Jesus this is the me that you made and I'm wandering from the me you've designed to find myself in mes I've built with all this stuff from all these voices so contrary to you
Simplicity- a sweet song of love a child that asks to dance and play with the Creator of song and star where is that freedom I knew? I think I bound it to all these thoughts false minimum requirements distance and propriety a God that is holy but not a father this is not what you are but what I've built you to be
Thank you for daisies and rain laughter and simple moments beauty without condition
how strange and wonderful Lord that the strength to become is strength from you so much more than all I have you are so much more
strength enough from you beauty from you
this is the me that you have made a reflection of yourself
::js::18.01.2005::
Forest Pond
trees golden burning bright encircling, lifting, holding this little body of still water this bowl of fragrant leaves and pond life nestled somewhere deep in someplace that I don't know but would love to find traipsing through the wood with you
::js::29.09.2005::
Breakforth
This world is everything that I know, a moment like this all that I can comprehend. But in light of glory all breaths are as short as one. This life passes so quickly from us, so swiftly from our hands. How much do I hold onto, and how strong and unrelenting my grip! Father- all that has worth, the only one is Jesus, Jesus, Jesus- and Jesus and only Him. Pry from me all I hold so dear, May I hate this life for you! My Lord, let no photograph or memory be so much as to be indisposable. I discard it all if you ask- but I need you so! How can I see that I work for Heaven, for my eternal home, when all I see now is measurable by the clock ticking faithfully on the wall- time is all I know, this place all I understand. Don't allow my life and thoughts to remain earthbound. My Jesus, help me live this life for the next.
::js::26.01.2006::
Sponsors
Intricate
Oh Lord one day I will rest in your perfect peace one day I'll find a love that cannot be tarnished with time and hard realities. But until then I cling to intrication complication entangled in everything that I'm too scared to live without.
::js::22.11.2005::
Poisonous
God help me walk gracefully into my days ahead with you on my heart, on my lips, on my mind and help me to love when it kills me cause me to wish her well when tears are fighting my composure. I want to release all these decaying thoughts the poison I drink to wish others ill
::js::13.01.2005::
Oh be Thankful
The leaves not too long ago were vibrant- falling, blowing around They lay now silent on the ground, browning and forlorn. This signifies a time of thanks for summer and seasons past And I can thank God for you. But you are lost- and I've yet to learn how to give thanks for that.
::js::06.10.2005::
Rescue from Solitude
"There's someone out there" It is all you let yourself think about. Every female smile carries meaning every silence is intended heartbreak and every girl you know is weighed, measured, interviewed. Capacity, worth. You cannot stand to stand alone. there goes the last, here comes another. Your venus trap is set; an intricacy of prose to secure her interest. Your idea of love: two broken sinking souls to rescue one another. Hey, maybe you're still going down but you're not really alone. She's there, she stays. Maybe that's enough. You have banished solitude to find yourself alone beside another.
::js::03.01.2006::
Mid-December Woe
I want to think of some deep imagery, to write something profound about the reflection of a sunrise on planes of snow. But it's mid-December and the snow has melted. I find it strangely depressing to look outside at this confused natural state when I don't even really enjoy the cold. Exams and carols intermingle and everything important is suspended in time. And you are somewhere far from me across muddied fields of this undecided season.
::js::11.12.2005::
Sponsors
Fare Thee Well
Under a waning gibbous moon hung from a dark and starless sky, I bid too soon a fond farewell too soon received a cold goodbye.
Inconsistency
There is a picture of inconsistency and it is embodied in a short brunnette some twenty years of age she wanders through a mass of people looking for a face to anchor her attention wanting to be everything to anyone anything to everyone something to someone
::js::06.12.2005::
Hopeless Optimism
You- so fatalistic and maybe I'm too much an optimist but well I guess we failed to find the middle ground. This is a sad tale and it could have ended differently- but then even my favourite book I've tossed at the wall angry at the ending that made me cry. Characters often don't listen to direction screamed at them from the limited omniscience of a person enrapt in their life, looking from without. And how do we continue is there a way to save this from death? us in a lesser form, a strained friendship something better than nothing. Maybe I'm too much an optimist.
