RADBOURNISMS

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DISNEY DRUGS

 

 SCANDAL

 

Victim of crime

This is Bambi, a young deer who was orphaned when his mother was brutally gunned down in the forest. Official records state it was the work of hunters. In truth, Bambi's mother was murdered because she had accidentally stumbled on to the biggest narcotics syndicate in the history of organised crime.

The drug involved is known as disney, a naturally occurring substance originally used as a highly effective fertility drug by dalmatian breeders. When taken, it induces a state commonly called "fantasia", with a very high euphoric feeling, accompanied by strange hallucinations and classical music. At present, the mining operation is small, involving just seven dwarfish employees who work deep in the forest producing sack after sack of the drug, along with a few diamonds as cover for their work. The entire operation is run by an innocent-looking woman, aptly named 'Snow White'. When we approached her for comments, we were told she was asleep and would be unavailable for one hundred years.

Transporting disney to it's target countries is carried out in a most unorthodox manner. Unsuspecting baby elephants with abnormally big ears snort enough of the drug to make them "as high as a kite". They then fly their deadly cargoes over international borders. The advantages of this for the traffickers are obvious; baby elephants are far too small to be detected by radar, so the flights are totally undetected and therefore unrestricted.

Another flight prepares for take off

Once in their target countries, the drug is divided between two rival families. The first is the Mouse family, under the cast-iron white gloved fists of Mickey Mouse, star of the pornographic 'classic', "Steamboat Willy", and his partner in crime, Minnie. The other is the Ducks. 'Don' Duck's policies are ruthlessly enforced by his equivalent of the Kray twins, the Duck Triplets, Huey, Dewey, and Louie. The two organisations control the vast majority of disney, pushing the dope on to it's unsuspecting victims.

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And what of the victims? The saddest of many stories we found was truly heartbreaking. It was of a lonely old toymaker who took disney to help fight the emptiness he felt inside. Soon, he began imagining a doll he had made was a real boy and could talk. He even forced the doll to take the drug, and it began talking to a smartly dressed insect. It just shows that this substance is so strong it can destroy anyone's life, even inanimate marionettes.

The warning is simple. Disney really screws you up, so just so no, or you may end up really Goofy.

 

Countdown Clock

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