In moments like these... I tend to miss you more, tend to feel the pain more. I guess, this is the time that I have to let go...give up. I don't think there is a way that I can make you turn my way no matter what I try. I had been patient for the past two years, standing by, watching from afar. I have guard my secret from you for far too long. I guess this is the time to bury it and keep it forgotten. Because there is no way you are going to reciprocate it or even glance my way. It hurts even more when you ignore me, although you don't do it on purpose or at least I know you don't. I had deliberately stayed away, I had deliberately kept my distance, not wanting to be too close and scare you away. But you unintentionally ignored me or even forgot about me and that hurts even more. I tried to say goodbye a couple of times and even pick a fight with you to make you hate me, thinking it would be easier for me to leave if you hate me, but you seek me out and talk me out of it. But this is not good. I'm feeling miserable as I have felt before when we are just plain friends and you belong to someone else and I pretend to be with someone else but all the while I was just waiting for you. All our conversations have meaning to me, if you could only read between the words and lines I gave you, my heart is already shouting out what I feel for you, over and over again, through my unspoken words but deliberate actions. Call me a coward, I would be proud of it, if this is the only way I could be close to you or be near you, I would just constantly watch from the distance, would continue hiding the words behind hidden meanings to satisfy my hurting heart. Ahhh....love...what sad fate you put me through, with an elusive Juliet with no families to hinder but something more harder obstacle for my elusively shy and forlorn Romeo. Ahh...fates...it was really doomed from the start! I am sick...my heart is hurting as well. I want to bury under the covers and forget the world...forget you. But how long am I gonna last to try to forget you, I can forget the world but how can I forget you? Your face is imprinted in my memory, no delete button, no erasing memory machine, no magic or illusion that could disenchant me when it comes to you. I guess, after all of these...my heart would go on...another year...another season....would continue falling for my reluctant Juliet from her secret Romeo.
It's not about having it all.... It's all about picking one person and making it work....When your heart is free, it's easy to make a decision. When you're head is clear, you know you have good judgement.When your life is turning topsy-turvy, and you have no reason for what's disturbing you remenber these words, keep your head up, don't say you love them, walk away from all that is hurting you.Find your power you know you are strong. Take that step and it will help you along. When your mind is at ease, sleep comes so very peacefully.When you start to dream they are they are wonderful and so very sweet. Why give up this bad elusive business. What is there to do? What can you do is find what you seek.I had an opportunity only a few people have on earth. God has bless me to share time and space with a person that HE had designed for me. I'm not only been blessed but divinely favored.I never thought I could meet someone like you. You are my friend, you are my smile, you are my everything.You are a breath-taking reflection of God's heart for me.Of how this person pursued me and loved me, even when I didn't love myself. You held my hand in darkness and you pulled me out into the light.You are my light, And it doesn't matter what happens in this life. As long as you are with me . When I look at you I know that there's a God. And HE love me so much. That HE took the time to create you just for me.I love you, past my mind, beyond my heart. I love you for my soul. And that's the space that only you and God dwell.
They often say that there is no such thing as forever, that no one can love as long as that and as deep as that. I may have run out of things to say, I may have run out words to write, I may have run out of feelings to express…but there are times, forever is the only word I can think of every time I want to describe what I feel for you, how I feel for you. My words may not mean much, or may not say everything I wanted to say but my words are precious to me, for they are the only way for me to express how much you mean to me. Of how you complete everything about me. That I am what I am now, because of you.
Sometimes I’m amazed that people could really change, that there would be someone in your life that could change you or complete you. You are all of these, Shui, and more. You changed and completed me.
You were the most amazing person I know, if you only knew how sometimes I get jealous of other people wanting to be close to you, you are mine and only mine. You once said that I’m yours, you just don’t know how happy you made me when you said that, you can claim me anytime you want, I am yours, and only yours. I can never belong to someone else, for you have branded me, claimed me, there’s no other way that it could be tainted by other hands, or be touched by anyone else. I will not let them, if ever we part ways, I would remain alone. I do not think I would be happy with anyone else, my Shui han. For we have vowed in the eyes of man and in the eyes of the higher being that we would belong only to each other, and only for each other…in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.
“No matter what I do, always remember that I love you, remember that, okay?” Yuki said seriously one night to his partner in life, they had just finished making passionate love to one another, and he was looking at Shuichi with those eyes, and that angelic face. Shuichi let out a sigh, no matter how many times he looked at his partner, he couldn’t helped but sigh and want to pinch himself, to see if he is really here, and this man is his better half, his husband, that they did got married in San Francisco, Yuki made all the arrangements that they would be officially be partners in life, and it was publicized, the world knows they belong together, and they have only each other, no one can stop them and Yuki vowed no one and nothing can separate them.
Yuki’s words finally registered to the boy’s senses, “Y-Yuki? Is everything okay? Why are you saying all those things? You’re not tired of me, are you?” he asked, about to cry.
Yuki smiled and gathered him in his arms, “No…no, never you. You will be the last person I would ever love, and you will be the last person that could ever be this close to me.” He said. And with that, he decided to postpone what he really had to say. He did not want to scare the boy. For now, he will let things happen on its own accord.
They just celebrated their 1st wedding anniversary, they had been living together for almost six years and been married for a year, Yuki had mellowed during those times they had started getting to know each other, he began to show his true feelings to the singer, and Shuichi had begun to change, too, he changed for Yuki, he try to act more mature for him, and try not to irritate him too much, so they began their second year in harmony, like two old pair of slippers, one cannot live without the other, one cannot function without each other.
“You have to learn to do stuff on your own, Shui, you cannot rely on other people all your life.” He said, when he was writing his lyrics and was bugging Hiro and Suguru for help.
“We’re a band, Yuki, we should rely on each other, it’s called team work, we must work together as a team, it’s not just my music but ours, they have to have a say too, on whatever lyrics I write.” Shuichi replied, and Yuki smiled, yes, that made sense. He grew quiet for a minute.
“Is there anything in this world that no one else can do that only I can do?”Yuki asked, holding him close.
Shuichi looked at him, leaned closer to him, “Like this, right now, Yuki. No one can make me more content than to have you there by my side, my better half. My other half. There could never be another person in the world that could make me feel this way than you, Yuki. Only you.” He said, and Yuki tried to hold back his tears when he heard those words.
I wished there is another way, I wish there is a better way to do this. To make you feel that am still there, that I did not really leave. That am just close by, watching over you, that there is nothing and no one you want more than just me. Call it selfish, but I want to be your forever love. Your only love…for you are mine that I would be watching over you from up above.
Yuki had a long talk with his editors, and interviewed expert freelance writers. He even met with his lawyers and accountants. Papers and contracts were drawn. He had taken care of everything, so in case the day comes that he had to leave, everything would be ready, and Shuichi won’t be so hurt that he left without saying goodbye, that it would only be for a short while, he would still feel that he was still there…watching over him, taking care of his “wife”…his better half.
Yuki hated hearing his voice or doing live interviews, but he just recently purchased a video camera and tons of tapes, and everyday when Shuichi leaves for work, he would sit in his study and taped something; he would talk and talk as if he was talking to Shuichi. And if ever Shuichi sees this would be so shock…Yuki is not a talker…he is a novelist, a writer. He would rather write words than talk. He is known to be a man of few words. But in this room, when he is alone, he had the need to do this, to talk to Shuichi even though his partner is not there and he is at work, but he talks and looks at the video as if it really is Shuichi he was talking to. He would even sometimes walk over the video camera to caress it, as if he was caressing his partner in real life. He was so busy during the day, he knew he got little time left. And he wanted to finish everything he had planned. He wanted it to be perfect like his love.
Shuichi had been noticing how tired his husband had been, how pale his face had grown, how thin he had been, his shirt would hang so loose that it would look so baggy on him.
“Are you feeling okay, Yuki? Maybe you are working too hard, you need a massage?” he asked innocently.
Yuki chortled, “A massage, ei? What are you gonna massage, brat? I’m too tired, I don’t think it would stand in attention for you.” He said, and laughed at his own joke.
Shuichi looked hurt, “I was just really thinking of a real massage, not going to bed with you, Yuki.” He said, pouting.
But when he did not hear a reply, he looked back at his husband and found him fast asleep, his head lolling to one side. Shuichi gathered him in his arms, and cradled his angel’s head. Yes, Yuki is his angel, his angel who always watched over him, who always listens to him, who always comforts him when he is down, inspire him to write more lyrics, cook dinner and do the chores. Yuki had always been the responsible one, but no matter who does who, Yuki would always be the man of the house, and Shuichi would be the “wife”, his partner and better half.
For the first time in their entire life, Yuki bought roses, blue roses, all three dozen of them. He parked the car in the garage, he was gonna surprise his wife by picking him up and taking him to dinner and spending the night watching over the skyline.
He was about to push open the door to the studio, when he heard voices, its was Shuichi and Ryuichi. “You know, Shui-Shui if you got tired of Yuki being so mean to you, am here, I won’t be mean to you.” He said.
Yuki waited in agony what Shuichi was going to say.
“Yuki is not mean, he is the gentlest person I know.” Shuichi replied, and his husband smiled about to walk in and gathered him in a tight embrace. But the minute he poked his head in the door, he saw Ryuichi, with his arms around Shuichi and kissing him, and Shuichi was just standing there, and accepting it.
Yuki yanked the door shut and run out of the studio, when he got to his car and opened the door, he saw the flowers, he got them threw them on the ground and stumped on them, got in the car and drove wildly out of the parking lot.
“What was that?” Ryuichi asked when the door slammed, and they both jumped. Yuki did not see how Shuichi slapped his idol and then push him.
“Don’t you dare do that again, Ryuichi sama. Don’t you ever do that again.” He had said, “I belong to Yuki and to Yuki alone.”
Shuichi’s heart was beating; he whirled around when he heard the door slammed. He run to it and rush out. The receptionist stopped him.
“Eiri san, your husband was here but he ran out of the door.” She said. It took Shuichi a long while to get used to being called Mrs. Eiri although he was supposed to be Mrs. Uesugi, which is Yuki’s real last name, but he would rather use Eiri’s first name instead.
Shuichi ran to the parking lot, checking Yuki’s parking spot and found the trampled roses. He gathered them in his arms and hugged them, it dawned on him, that Yuki saw him in another lie. That Yuki might think that he is cheating on him again. “Oh, Yuki.” He said, as tears began to fall down his face, as he gathered every piece of the roses.
Yuki was not home yet when he got there, he was not answering his phone, and he tried to leave voice messages, explaining everything. He saw the receipt for the restaurant, Yuki even ordered ahead, Shuichi wondered if he forgot something, an anniversary or a birthday or an occasion, nothing. He could not think of anything for Yuki to buy roses and make a hotel reservation after dinner. He even called the restaurant and hotel where they were supposed to be booked, no, Mr. Eiri is not there.
He began to get worried, was about to call Hiro and Suguru when the phone rang. Yuki was in an accident, his car was in a wreck, and Yuki was badly hurt and in surgery right now.
Hiro was so shock when he heard that Yuki was in an accident. He could not blame the novelist when he heard the full story. Even he would jump at the same conclusion if he sees Ayaka kissing another man.
Shuichi was crumpled in heap in the hospital chair; it was his entire fault that Yuki is in this situation. He was inconsolable. Everyone tried, Hiro could not think of what to say to the singer. Good thing Ryuichi did not show up or it would complicate things.
“It’s all my fault, Hiro, it’s all my fault.” Shuichi cried, over and over again, “If something happens to him I won’t forgive myself.” He said.
Hiro did not know what to say. If Shuichi had just stayed away from Ryuichi none of this would have happened, even the first time, it was Ryuichi, the singer knew that Yuki was extremely jealous of Ryuichi. Hiro knows the older man quite well now, he had changed a lot ever since he married the singer, and he could understand his situation now. He didn’t want to rub it in so he just stayed quiet and pat Shuichi at the back.
Yuki would not speak to him, would not even look at him when he woke up from surgery, he had a ruptured spleen and a concussion and lost a lot of blood. Shuichi just sat there, watching him quietly, tending to his needs; he can understand why Yuki is behaving this way. And he would do anything to bring it all back before everything turned out to be this way.
“Yuki…I .. ah…” he was about to explain. Yuki glared at him. But he knew he had to say it. So he continued, “You left before you saw everything, and hear everything, I slapped him and told him that I only belong to you.” He said, approaching, wanting to feel his skin, needing to feel him. He has been dying to feel him.
Yuki pushed him before he could go near him, “You shouldn’t be in that situation in the first place, you shouldn’t let it gone that far but, I bet you enjoyed it, kissing him! He is your god, after all, and I’m just your husband!” Yuki said, and doubled over from the pain.
Shuichi was about to rush to him, “Don’t come near me, don’t show your face here again, I want you out of my house! I don’t want to see you anymore!” Yuki shouted.
Shuichi gasped, Yuki’s anger is more intense than before, and will not even listen to his explanation, he should know better, Shuichi said to himself. Of all people, he should know the singer better.
“Y-Yuki, you didn’t mean that.” He said, tears streaking down his face, about to get up and walk to him again.
“Get out, get out, get out!” Yuki shouted, and this time the heart monitor beeped erratically, Shuichi rushed out not because he was sent out but because he wants to call the doctor.
Shuichi did not want to aggravate the situation further, so he decided to leave for a while and come back when Yuki had calmed down. He walked aimlessly, not knowing where to go and what to do. Yuki was right. It has been an old issue that just died down, if he did stay away from Ryuichi, not let his idol get so near to kiss him none of this would have happened. It really was his fault.
It was already dark when he got back to the hospital, Yuki was already sleeping, he touched the novelist as gently as he could, not wanting to wake him up, tears falling helpless down his face. Maybe he would give him enough space until his anger is gone.
Shuichi leaned down and kissed his husband, taking everything in, his scent, his looks, his feel, everything, and it might be awhile before he could get to see, touch or feel him again. After the hospital, he went home and packs a couple of things, he had already talked to Hiro and it was okay with him if he stayed there awhile.
Yuki opened his eyes when he heard the door closed quietly, a tear fell from his eye, his heart ached but he had to do this. Shuichi have to learn to live without him, he is got so used to having him around, and it would be hard, if he would be gone one day. It is a lot harder for him. He did not want to leave in the first place, he wanted to stay with him for the rest of his life, and the other life, and the life after that. He prayed so hard that the higher being with grant him his dying wish, to be reborn again and be with Shuichi, even in another form, in another being, just as long as he get to be close to him, he would be content and it would be the life he’d been dying to spend for all eternity. He would return his borrowed life and this host body to his maker and come back to his other half in another form, in another life.
Yuki stayed in the hospital for another week, and Shuichi always dropped in after visiting hours, when Yuki is asleep, or when he thinks that Yuki is asleep. He would just sit there quietly, watch him, touching him ever so lightly, and be content with just that. He does not know the extent of his anger and how long before Yuki forgives him, but these are the best moments of his life, just to sit there and stare at his angel while he sleeps. Unguarded…unmasked….Eiri Uesugi…in his true and natural form, the husband of Shuichi Shindou Uesugi. Little does Shuichi knew that Yuki is aware of his presence, and had forgiven him long ago. Yuki could not stand being away from him either; he is like his air, his blood, his mere reason for his existence, because without each other, they could not function, could not go on. Like the halve of a pair, they needed each other.
But they did not get back together sooner like Shuichi hoped they would, it lasted a month, Yuki did not call, and he was not at the house because he asked some of his friends to drop in on him unexpectedly just to see if he’s okay, he was even so desperate to ask Tohma to call in on his brother-in-law. Yuki was not living at their house for a month; no one knows where he was.
Shuichi did not realized that after he got out of the hospital because of the accident, he was moved to another private hospital under a different name, this time for his real sickness. Acute Leukemia. Yuki is dying and he did not want Shuichi to know. Mika, Tatsuha and Tohma knows but he made them swore not to tell anyone especially Shuichi. He had been preparing everything so that Shuichi will be taken care of when he leaves, he hired a very good writer to encode all his files that he had accumulated ever since he learned about his sickness, he worked extra hard to have so many stored, each one dedicated to Shuichi, his wife…his better half. It would be years before his editors ran out of something new to publish but that is why he hired an experience writer to continue his unfinished manuscripts for him, he had written drafts and plots as to where he wanted to take the stories he had not finished, and yes, it would always be for Shuichi Eiri. Their joint accounts, his royalties, his savings, his stocks and bonds, his car, their house, everything he had accumulated during his years alone, he named Shuichi as his beneficiary. He had prepared everything, he was braved enough to do all these things except to tell the one he loves that he would leave him soon. He did not have the heart to do so, because deep inside of him, he never wanted to leave. That for some unforeseen reason, he still believe he would live another lifetime with Shuichi.
Yuki’s phone rang, it was Shuichi. It has been weeks, he hardly had the strength to answer it but this time, he missed him, and he needed a little Shuichi to revitalize him.
“Hello? Yuki?” he asked, uncertain, a little surprised that Yuki answered the phone, he heard him sigh, and his tears started pouring.
“What do you want, brat?” Yuki asked, trying to sound angry, but a tear fell from his eye, he miss him, and he miss him so much.
“Yuki, where are you? No one knows where you are. I beg of you, please, let me see you. Just see you, I will not touch you, please let me see you. I beg of you.” Shuichi cried into the receiver, gripping it so hard, pleading as if his life depended on it, and it does. He knows he would die if he does not see Yuki again. Hearing him now, make his heartache; ache for the chance to hold him…feel him again.
“I will come home soon, am on a book tour, clean the house and do some chores for me, I haven’t been home in awhile, and the place must be a mess.” Yuki said.
Shuichi laughed, he was so happy to hear that, and he still could not believe that Yuki is asking him to come home again.
“Thank you, Yuki! Thank you! I love you so much and I miss you so much!” he shouted, suddenly he found the strength to jump and shout.
Yuki laughed, he was happy, too, hearing his voice again. “You’ll never change, you’re still noisy and loud, brat.” He said.
Shuichi was saying something when he heard a female voice in the background, “Mr. Eiri here are your medication, and you are scheduled for x-ray.” Yuki tried to cover the phone, but Shuichi heard it. He panicked again.
“Where are you, Yuki? Tell me!” he asked.
“I need to go, brat. I will see you on Friday.” He said, and hung up the phone, when Shuichi tried calling again, Yuki kept rejecting his calls until he turned off the phone and Shuichi could not call anymore.
Mika was staring at her brother’s back, he had grown so much, almost as tall as Yuki, they do look alike except for the hair and eyes, and some mannerism, but if you change all of that, they look like twins.
“Are you sure you want to do this, little brother?” Mika asked uncertain, wringing her fingers.
“Who wouldn’t want to bang someone famous?” Tatsuha asked, whirled around with a smile, with that smirk, he looked so much like Yuki.
“Tatchan!” Tohma cried in surprise, almost spilling his coffee.
Tatsuha laugh, “I’m kidding. I’m young and strong, I still got a good life ahead of me, when I’m sure that he is ready to move on, I will get back on with my life.” Tatsuha replied.
“What about your Ryuichi?” Mika asked. Tatsuha sighed and walked over to his sister and embraced her.
“He’s not going anywhere.” He said. They heard a groan in the bedroom.
“Eiri san is up.” Tohma said, and they all got up and walk to the bedroom.
Tatsuha leaned over and help his brother up, “We need to go, Aniki, Shuichi will be home any minute. Are you gonna be alright by yourself?” he asked.
“I will be fine, I’m not gonna die yet.” Yuki said. Mika gasped and started crying.
“Don’t say things like that Eiri.” She said, but she leaned over and gave her brother a kiss, and Yuki pulled away a bit but accepted the kiss. Tohma leaned and gave him a hug.
“Go happy, Eiri san.” He said, with a squeeze.
The couple left. Tatsuha, squatted down in from of his older brother, “I’m gonna miss you, bro. But I promise I will take care of him for you, and make sure he is happy. I promise I would be good to him.” He said there were tears in Yuki’s eyes; he pulled his brother into a hug. He did not say anything, he did not have to. “You’re welcome. I will see you again soon. I love you, Aniki.” Tatsuha said, and kissed his brother on the lips.
Yuki held him tight, “I love you, too.” He said.
When they all left, Yuki decided to lie back down again, he needs his strength, he wants to do this with his wife, even for the last time.
When Shuichi got home, he rushed to the bedroom to check if Yuki is back, when he found him asleep, he was hesitant to go to him. He walked slowly to the bed, tears already falling down his face. A month, he has not seen him for almost a month….a month of hell without Yuki. He knelt by Yuki’s side of the bed, touching his arm slowly, gently. Shuichi took his hand and kissed it. He was content with that, just to be able to smell him, feel him and kiss him. He would be content just seeing him. Yuki felt him and stirred. Shuichi gasped, dropping Yuki’s hand and moving away for a bit, expecting the worse.
“Hey.” Yuki greeted, as his vision focused. He saw the tears, and made a sound at the back of his throat, he reached out for him, and Shuichi with a speed of light filled the gap between them, each of them bathing each other’s faces with kisses and tears. Hungry lips, met skin and lips, arms tangled around each other, clothes discarded and ripped away, the need of the feel of the skin was urgent, skin to skin, heat to heat, their bodies became one. Lips locked in one single motion, without any promise of breaking away, giving each other air, giving each other life again, they felt they had died when they grew apart. Borne of familiarity over the years, they dance to the erotic motion of each other’s bodies, knowing what each need, supplying it, needing it as well. Hands roamed spaces they had missed touching. It was not just a union of bodies, but of soul. Husband and wife, consummating their vows as man and wife. There could never be anything as beautiful as two people so much in love.
“Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…” Shuichi chanted repeatedly, as if he is going to go crazy, he wanted to shout so loud and let the world know he is the luckiest man in the entire universe.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Yuki whispered to him over and over again, as he thrust inside the glorious man he calls his wife, kissing every part of his skin that came in contact with his lips, caressing him all over, he just could not get enough of this man.
Over and over again, they made love, touch each other, feel each other, kiss each other, as if they have not seen each other for years. Both of them crying, so happy and sad at the same time they let it dragged on like this. No words uttered. No need for words, their bodies understood what each other need, and they granted it, with each loving touch and loving look.
They were laughing in the wee hours of the morning, Shuichi did not want to go to work, he wanted to stay and be with Yuki, but Yuki said, he probably would be so tired from all the exercise and marathon that they did, that he would be sleeping the whole day. Yuki urged him to go, and he would be home to cook dinner and they would spend time together.
Shuichi fell asleep, too tired to keep his eyes open. Yuki dragged his body to the bathroom to get his medication, he needed it, he slipped and fell to the floor, he bit his lips very hard, to muffle the pain. He almost swooned from it. He crawled to the floor, to grab his pants and reach for the phone. He dialed a number, he did not need to say anything, the one on the other line knew he was needed.
Tatsuha and Tohma walked in the house quietly found Yuki sprawled by the door, they lifted him up and carried him to the waiting ambulance.
Shuichi woke up to the smell of breakfast. He was surprised, he thought he would find his husband still in bed, and he would have an excuse to cuddle. But Yuki must be excited to have him back that is why he was up early. Shuichi blushed when he remembered what they did last night, every possible position; they could not just get enough of each other.
He found him in the kitchen. Whistling a Nittle Grasper tune, which is odd. When Yuki felt him by the door, he stopped whistling, “Oh, good, you’re up, get something to eat K would be here any minute to pick you up.” He said.
“You didn’t have to do this Yuki; I know you are tired from your trip.” Shuichi said. Yuki leaned down and kissed the top of his head.
“I wanted to, so eat up.” Yuki said.
Shuichi look up, waiting for Yuki to give him a morning kiss, his eyes closed. Yuki looked at him, hesitant but gave him a light kiss on the lips, and hurriedly turned away, pretending to be doing something else. Shuichi looked at his husband, and find it weird, he didn’t feel that spark he used to feel whenever he come in contact with Yuki, even by just touching him. But he shrugged it off, maybe he is still a bit mad, he thought.
The past few days was glorious, he was so happy being with Yuki again, but Shuichi felt something strange from the last time they had been together and since he woke when Yuki got back. Yuki will always find an excuse not to be so intimate with him, Yuki would hold him and kiss him, but even his kisses are different. Everything about Yuki is different now, his sleeping habits, his mannerism, as if he is a completely different person when he came back.
He asked Yuki to pick him up at NG one time, because he has stuff to bring to the house. They accidentally bumped into Ryuichi at the entrance, both singers were shocked to Yuki’s reaction, Ryuichi expected to be punched the next time he saw the novelist again.
“Ryuichi Sakuma!” Yuki called excitedly, the singer could tell that something is odd, as if Yuki was even glad to see Ryuichi. And when Yuki realized it, he bowed his head, “I’m warning you, stay away from my wife!” he said, and brush pass them both, the two singers were looking at Yuki and was really shocked, they were expecting the novelist to pulverized Ryuichi the next time they meet.
Shuichi was confused. He felt that Yuki had changed a lot, he had became withdrawn like the first time they were living together the only difference is, back then Yuki was irritable and always mean to Shuichi but this time he is just aloof to the singer, as if he doesn’t want anything to do with his wife. And Yuki did not touch him again; they do not make love anymore, so he was brooding over it. Thinking if he had done something to make his husband changed so drastically.
Yuki found his crying quietly by the couch, and he came to him, embracing him. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, gently.
Shuichi looked at him, his tear-streaked face looked intently at the man he married for love, “Don’t you love me anymore, Yuki? Have I done something to make you mad?” he asked him.
Yuki’s face paled. He smiled a little. “N-No, of course not, why do you say that, brat. I love you with all of my heart.” He said, meaning it.
“If you do, how come you don’t touch me anymore? Why don’t we make love anymore? Are you tired of me?” he asked, his words stabbed the novelist like dagger.
Yuki bowed his head and began crying. Shuichi panicked and gathered him in his arms, Yuki never cries, he rarely cries. And if he does its something grave and serious.
“Oh, Yuki. Please do not cry, please do not cry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” he whispered, showering his husband with kisses.
Yuki gathered him in his arms, and Shuichi could feel every breathe that his husband take, his pain…a pain that was bottomless and inconsolable.
“How do I begin to explain, Shui? I don’t want you to hate me, but you have to understand, these was all done because Yuki loves you so much.” Yuki said.
Shuichi looked at him confused. What’s going on? Yuki loves you so much? Didn’t he mean that I love you so much?
Yuki looked at him again, and held his hand in his, “Please try to hear me out first before you react, okay?” Yuki asked, looking at him, closely, rubbing his eye carefully. That’s one of the odd things he discovered, Yuki doesn’t wear his glasses anymore.
Shuichi nodded slowly, gripping his husband’s hands which was cold as ice.
It took the novelist awhile before he began. “I love my brother so much, he is mean and arrogant but deep inside he is a wonderful person, a lot of things happened to him, maybe that’s one of the reasons why he is not used to dealing with people. But you married him, put up with him, and he changed a lot because of you.” And he looked at Shuichi, the singer’s face was twisted in confusion.
“Yuki has acute leukemia, Shui. He is in the hospital right now. He couldn’t bear to tell you. Maybe he is in denial, or maybe he just don’t want to let you go, or don’t want to hurt you but, he did all these things to prepare you until the day he dies.”
“Yuki what are you saying? I’m scared and confuse.” Shuichi said.
“I’m Tatsuha, Shui chan. My brother asked me to take his place when he was rushed to the hospital on the early morning he came back, you were still sleeping, we took him.” Tatsuha said.
Shuichi let out a cry, he was too weak to react. Tatsuha gathered him in his arms, the monk was also crying. The holy man’s revelation explained a lot of those odd things.
“I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to deceive you, my brother didn’t want to tell you because he couldn’t even bear leaving you. He loves you so much, Shui. We were going to tell you, but not until you are ready. I didn’t know you know my brother so well, I never thought you could see through me, I have his face and his voice but I thought I could pull it through and tell you when we feel you are strong enough to handle it.” Tatsuha explained.
“When? When he dies? Are you going to deprive me of that, too? I want to see him, please, if you love him as you say you do, don’t let him die alone, let me be with him, until his last days.” Shuichi said, cried hysterically.
Tatsuha nodded, and Shuichi looked at him closely. “I knew then that you are not the man I married, you may have deceived my eyes but not what inside my heart, there are certain things that is uniquely Yuki, the way he kissed me, the way he holds me, even his sarcastic tones, there’s a distinct quality in it that I will know that you are just pretending to be like him. There’s no spark when you kiss me, no tingling feeling, no warmth, no familiarity, like am living with a stranger with a familiar face.” Shuichi said.
Tatsuha nodded and admired him even more, “You really are worthy, Mrs. Eiri Uesugi, you really deserved to be loved by my brother, and I’m proud to be your brother-in-law.” Tatsuha said, ruffling the singer’s hair.
Do you believe in eternal love? I think that is different for everyone else but mine goes by one name, Eiri Yuki. I don’t even know what makes up forever love. Is it forever if you love someone even until death? Or is it a feeling that perseveres, even after death? Is such a love valid? Even if you’re the one who foolishly let go? Yuki had done everything he could to make it easier for me when he goes. His dying thoughts were of me. I never thought it would be possible to love someone that much. I think now, if I was to die, my dying thought would be of Eiri Yuki.
“I found you again, after I thought I’ve lost you. I would never let you get lost again, I would be here until the very end. I would be strong, because your love made me strong.” Shuichi whispered in Yuki’s ear. The singer didn’t cry when he saw the one he loves lying there, Yuki wouldn’t like that. He wanted everything how Yuki want it. If he cries and begs now, all the things Yuki did would be for nothing.
Everyday, he sat there, talking to him, reading to him. No one disturbs him. They are in their own little world. Shuichi knew that this is how Yuki would want it.
When the day came that Yuki finally opened his eyes, Shuichi was staring at him, and holding his hand, so, the first thing that Yuki saw was that face of the one he loves the most.
Shuichi cried but he was smiling at the same time, because he knew he was given a once in a last time chance. He can now say goodbye to him. He touched the hand to his lips, leaned closer and kiss him fervently.
“I love you, Yuki, take that with you when you go, take my love with you.” Shuichi said.
“I love you, Shuichi Eiri, wait for me.” Yuki said, in a weak voice, he was smiling weakly, a tear fell from his eye.
“You need to rest now, Yuki. Don’t worry about me, I would be alright, I would wait for you. No matter what form or manner you choose, my heart would always know its you. You will be my angel, watching over me.” Shuichi said, and embrace his last warmth, inhaling his scent, feeling his skin, hearing his heartbeat. He knew it won’t be long and he would have to leave.
“Look at me, brat.” He said. And Shuichi looked at him, wiping his tears so he can see him better. “I want you to be the last person I see before I go.” He said, reached out and touched his face. “I love you Shuichi.” He said.
“I love you Eiri.” He said, smiling. When Yuki closed his eyes, Shuichi leaned closer and kissed his lips for the very last time.
No one had prepared me for this…the raw ache that Yuki left behind. “I do want to take you with me, but I don’t think I can.” Yuki had said in his tape.
“My darkness may never end but yours will.” He said.
If you’re going, I will take everything, I’m not leaving any of it behind. All of my precious memories of you. I can’t stop believing, I can’t stop wanting him, I can’t help it but give Yuki all of my heart, even if he’s gone.
Ever since then, I don’t know why, its been hard to breathe, because Yuki was my air. There’s only one person in this whole world to who my feelings are within plain view, between us, there’s no use hiding anything.
There are so many things I want to tell him, the person who showed me forever love in this world. When he comes back, I’m not going to let him leave me ever again.
Owari
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