A/N: Me =/= the owner of Redwall, “Blood omen”, or the PPC. Or the webcomic Jack. Redd belongs to me but is based off of a character by Skyfur, who is also not me. Jill is mine.
Redd belongs to me but is based off of a character by Skyfur, who is also not me. Jill is mine.
Redd and Jill: Introductions and Insanity
“Allons, enfants de Patrie, le jour de gloire est arriveeeeeeee…”
A humanoid fox trotted down the gray corridors of HQ, singing quietly in rather clumsy French. “Contrenous de la tyranne, l'etendard sanglant est leve, l 'etendard sanglant est leveeeeeee…”
It was an odd sight, of course, to see an anthro fox walking around singing the French national anthem. Then again, in PPC HQ, nearly every sight is a weird sight.
But this one requires explaining.
Take a few steps back in time…
“Excuse me, how do you get to –”
“Don’t know. Ask someone else – POOKY, GET BACK HERE! I LOVE YOU!”
Redd blinked as the agent he was talking to whizzed down the hall on rollerblades, chasing after another agent who was wearing a large feather boa. Redd sighed and hefted his backpack. That was the umpteenth agent he had tried to ask so far. “Um, do you know how to get to Response Center –” he began asking another agent, but was quickly cut off by a wild cry of “DEATH TO THE SUE!” and a wave of a lightsaber. Redd took a quick step back. “Okay, never mind, then. Um, how do you get to Response Center –”
“Don’t ask me, I’m trying to find my own Response Center anyway. Bye!” Another agent raced off as Redd turned around. Finding the most stable-looking agent in the hallway – well, relatively stable – he pounced on the opportunity. “Excuse me, but…do you know how to get to Response Center #8264?”
The spiky-haired agent shook her head. “No, sorry.” She glanced at Redd. “Why? Have you gotten your memory removed by those freaky creatures that look like snot with a bazillion tentacles? Or did your partner knock you out and scrape out your gray matter?”
What freaky creatures with tentacles?...Redd wondered whether it was such a good idea to ask this agent after all. “Um, no. I don’t have a partner. Yet. I’m new.”
“Ah.” The agent nodded. “Well, you can’t get anywhere in Headquarters if you think about going there.”
“Dunno. Definitely something to do with the Flowers. Hey, did you know that the Sunflower Official is really dead?”
“…Really?” Redd edged away slightly. “I did see him at one point, and he seems to be in rather good health for someone dead.”
“Nah, nah. The one you were talking to was an imposter. The original was burnt to death by the Black Cats.”
Black cats? What black cats? “That’s…nice…Um, tell me, if you can’t reach a destination in Headquarters if you think about it…what do you do?”
“Most of us distract ourselves. Usually, if you have a partner, you talk. Or if you’re alone, you try thinking of something else.” The agent grinned. “Naturally, this doesn’t really work. We usually listen to music. Or sing to ourselves. If we’re tune-deaf – and some of us are – we just hum.” She checked her watch. “Oh, damnit, I’m late! Or really, really early! See ya! I’m Agent Shrike! Bye!”
“Wait –” But Agent Shrike had already left.
Redd blinked. “Okay…” he muttered under his breath. “Songs, songs, songs…”
The fox didn’t know any from his native continuum, the Mossflower universe, because in his home fic he was only there as a Token Lecherous Jerk with practically no personality. Manx and Shadow took pity on him when they arrived to destroy the Sue and decided to recruit him. People are still debating whether this was an act of mercy or cruel and unusual punishment. Nevertheless, he was put through Basic Training, learned the skills (read: lack of) to become a PPC Agent, and was added to the Department of Mary-Sues.
Redd shrugged and sauntered down the hall, starting to hum a song practically engraved in his mind from Basic Training. A girl sitting in front of him, usually wearing a red bandanna and a shirt striped with red, white, and blue, had always been singing this along with some song about barricades. Classes on the Proper Function of your Spork were normally immensely boring, so the song had stuck in Redd’s subconscious.
And now it’s the present, and the lyrics of “La Marseillaise” echo through the corridors…
“Entendezvous, dans les campagnes, mugir ces feroces soldats?” Redd sang. “Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras, egorger nos fils, nos compagnes…OW!”
The fox rubbed his nose. He had just walked into the wall, except…it wasn’t a wall, it was a door. A door with “8264” engraved onto the gray surface with what was probably a knife. “Huh,” Redd muttered, knocked on the door, then opened it.
Then he ducked, as an enormous, barb-headed arrow buried itself in the wall behind his head. “GAAAAH!” he shouted. “What the –”
“Sorrysorrysorrysorry!” someone shouted. “Are you okay?”
Redd felt his headfur. He seemed to have everything attached. “Yeah, I think so. Who’re you?”
A human girl – or at least human-looking, for no human could be so beautiful – appeared in the doorway, dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt and holding a crossbow, looking rueful in an appropriately angsty emo way. She had pale blond hair – almost white, like the purest snow – and if sapphires and emeralds could be melted and mixed together, they would be the color of her wide, scintillating, long-lashed, glorious eyes. Redd could almost feel himself drowning in those deep, liquid pools –
The fox shook his head, clearing his mind. He looked up to see the girl blushing slightly, a light rose color suffusing her cheeks – Redd blinked. The girl quirked her mouth into am embarrassed smile. Teeth, the fox thought. Blinding white teeth the color of fresh sheets of paper, and a tongue the color of – damn! Redd groaned. Was this going to happen all the time? Even though she is rather pretty for a human…NO! He clutched at his head.
The girl winced. “Sorry,” she said. “I was doing target practice and the target’s on the door, so…yeah.” She shrugged. “And I’m sorry about the whole weird description thing. I’m an ex-Sue. It happens.”
“Oh.” Redd blinked.
She shrugged and beckoned him inside. “Well, I’m Agent Jill. Jillian Morsamuda Greenleaf, anyway, but if you call me anything other than Jill I’ll shoot you with a Walther P99. I’m an Elf. So, who are you?”
“Redd. Used to be Redfleck, but Manx and Shadow – the agents who recruited me – named me Redd because of ‘copyright issues’. Anyway. Um, I guess you’re my new partner…that talking sunflower told me to go to this Response Center.” Redd looked around the room. It was small and square, as most RCs are. Two cots sat at opposite walls: one neatly made, looking as though no one had slept there for a month, the other rumpled and covered in books and bandoliers of ammo. Longbows and crossbows, along with quivers of arrows and crossbow bolts, hung on the walls next to a multitude of guns. The skins and pelts of several animals, some looking nastily familiar to Redd, were draped on the walls as well. Redd gulped. “So,” he said. “Nice place.” He sat down on one of the chairs next to the console, groaning softly. “Agh, I’ve been walking around for the last hou –”
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP!!! WAKE UP, NEWBIE, IT’S MISSION TIME! BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE –
Jill slammed her fist on the Mute button, silencing the console’s gleeful shriek. “Damnit,” she muttered. “Redd, don’t you know about the Laws of Narrative Comedy?
“Um…I think I might have been asleep for that lesson…”
“The second you get comfy in this place you get sent on a mission. It’s inevitable.”
“Eh, ‘s okay. It was bound to happen anyway sooner or later.” Jill glanced at the screen. “Let’s see…what little atrocity do we have here?”
A moment later she screamed a la Wilhelm, grabbed an oddly shaped gun, spun around, and sent a ray of plasma into the wall a few feet from Redd. The fox ducked as Jill scorched a few more holes in the gray walls, screaming what were probably Elvish profanities. Then she flung the gun to the side, yanked Redd onto his feet, and stormed over to the console.
“Damnit damnit damnit,” she snarled. “Of all the bloody things to foist on us, why this?”
“Er…what?” asked Redd. “What is it?”
“You do know of the Legendary Badfic, right? And of ‘legolas by laura’, right?”
“Uh…yes…oh, please don’t tell me –”
“No, no. That was already taken care of by those psychotic pyros over in Geographical Aberrations.” Jill finished programming her disguise and began opening a portal, slinging her backpack onto her shoulder. “Well, you did hear about those horrible smutfics? ‘That Series’, people called them?”
The portal hummed open. “Well,” Jill continued as they stepped through, “then if they were Redwall’s version of ‘Celebrian’, this is Redwall’s ‘legolas by laura’.”
I am what am known as a rouase a path of my ancestors for generations. we are protectors we are also half vermin we help those with the powers given to us by the almighty centuries ago in a land of depression .with theses unnatural powers we thought we could do any thing but we were wrong about a seven hundred years ago vulpiz became angered with our changes with ourselves thinking that all of us should be evil so he cursed my family for every other generation of my family to be imbedded with the evil disease known as the blood omen a disease that makes the diseased when angry bleed from the eyes and kill every thing in sight…………..this is my story
I am zain
Now in ermine form, Jill clutched at her eyes. “I think my brain is bleeding,” she said in a muffled voice. She crouched down in the fetal position, just in time to avoid the showers of overused periods falling from the Undescribed Sky. “Just – just – just no. No. Bad fic, bad writing, bad everything…”
Redd looked at the Words in vague yet disturbed interest. “What is a ‘rouase’? Does he mean ruse? Or rose? Or possibly rouse? What does he and his family protect? If they are half vermin, what is the other half? What kind of vermin? For all we know, they could be half centipede and half polecat. And what powers? There is no ‘almighty’ in Mossflower, if he means a god, and the name of the Lord of Hellgates is Vulpuz, not vulpiz. Why is this disease called the blood omen? It doesn’t seem to predict anything. Perhaps this author misinterpreted Bloodwrath. Why are there so many periods in his ellipses? Why is his name not capitalized? And –”
“Redd…to paraphrase the immortal words of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett…” Jill muttered.
“Shut up,” she snapped. “And what the heck is that thing?!” She pointed at the small, slimy creature that looked like a tiny Loch Ness monster and was now snuggling against Redd’s footpaw.
“I think it’s a mini-Deepcoiler,” Redd answered, tucking it into his knapsack. “His name is vulpiz. Now you be quiet. The first chapter’s beginning.”
Hi this is chapter 1 flame all you want
“Sure thing!” Redd called, grinning.
“Wow. First time I've ever seen a flame whore,” Jill muttered.
Far in the depths of his mind young zain was having a nightmare………..running keep on running zain you will make us free you will destroy all theses pathetic mortals and you will not escape your fate hahahahahaha ………zain arouse with a start and a scream he had ben having this dream for weeks and his fur was stained with sweat but other then that he had awesome gold black eyes that always seemed distant like he was somewhere else and his fur was a blackish brown color his father Caspian once again walked into his sons room he had snow white fur and eyes like pieces of ice which fit him perfectly being able to move water ice with his powers it was also evident zain got his features form his mother ughhh zain the dream again is it how many times must I wake up he said with a grin yes dad it was the dream AGAIN huh I would guess that other then when you have that dream you never scream ever yeah you are right I guess sighed zain but WHY do I keep having them I cant answer that for you son you’ll have to do it on your own aghhhhh what does this dream mean
The agents gaped, too astonished to even bother with covering their ears from the Words that boomed out overhead.
“…Was that all one sentence?” Redd whispered.
“Yeah,” Jill replied, stony-faced.
“And all one chapter?”
“…No,” he whimpered, staring in horror. “Please, no. SWEET MOTHER NATURE, WHAT HAS THIS AUTHOR DONE TO MY HOME?! DOES THIS PERSON KNOW WHAT A PUNCTUATION MARK IS?!”
“Or the enter key? Or the shift key? Or a quotation mark? Or, hell, a brain?” Jill hissed. “No, I don’t think so.” She pulled her laptop out of her backpack and began a chargelist as the next chapter started – labeled chapter three. Jill rubbed her forehead. “Agh,” she grumbled.
Zain stared at the ceiling for a good five minutes before realizing he had to meet up with Nakia today. He never really knew why he was her friend she was always telling him what to do or what he was doing wrong. But then again she had always been by his side she never left him when he was in trouble when they were kids and always took the blame she was loyal and even though she contradicted him constantly she was his best friend nonetheless.
“PUNCTUATION! BLESSED PUNCTUATION!” Redd fell to his knees in joy. “AT LAST, ACTUAL SENTENCES!”
“Sues, bloody Sues. That we will have to kill,” Jill said unenthusiastically.
“Ah, stop complaining. It’ll be fun!” Redd said happily. “Dibs on the bitch!”
“’Kay, fine. I get Zain.”
“Speaking of which…have they specified their species yet?”
“Nope. Don’t think so.”
Redd glanced at Zain, who had the odd appearance of an overly-described Generic Beast. With ‘blackish brown fur’ and ‘awesome gold black eyes’, yet a flat muzzle and no tail, he looked rather gross. “Ick.”
The Stu left his home, traveling to Nakia’s house.
when he got there he was greeted by screaming and arguing and saw nakia storm out of her home then she leered at him u sure took your sweet ass time didn’t ya oh great she’s in a good mood he thought to himself well I forgot you always forget your such a dumbass.
“Ow ow ow,” Jill moaned. “Quotation. Marks. Need. Quotation. Marks. To. Survive. AUGH.” She covered her ears as Zain and Nakia bantered back and forth. Or, rather, the author dully – and very loudly – recited their lines, as the lack of quotation marks made it unclear who was speaking. Nakia, due to an incredible lack of description, looked like a Generic Beast with gray fur.
Can we go now; zain said with a bored yawn okay nakia said with a smile where are we going? To prepare to prepare for what nakia said with a puzzled look on her face to leave this damned boring place and find an adventure he said with a wide grin. Oh and how will we do that you’re the only one of us with weapons and my father would say no. All the reason not to tell him ill get you a weapon my dad will say yes of course be ready tomorrow at dawn for now just think about writing a good goodbye letter Kay.
Redd ducked the flying semicolon as Jill typed up several charges. “Oh, this is bad,” she groaned. “Badbadbadbadbad. Look! An incredibly annoying monologue!”
Nakia on the other hand was having some doubts what am I doing she sighed ill never be a good adventurer and plus ill miss daddy she thought then she thought of all the times they argued about her mother he was always nagging her that she wasn’t acting enough like a lady well she would show him when she would return home one day to make her father proud of her.
“Using ‘hand’ instead of ‘paw’, as per usual in Mossflower. Using ‘ill’ instead of ‘I’ll’ a second time.” Jill thumped her head against the ground. “AUGH!”
“Why are you so pissed off? I’m the one whose home is getting completely and utterly screwed up,” Redd answered, then, “Oh, damnit, cover your ears, ANOTHER freakin’ author’s note!”
The two agents were readier this time, and managed to slip the Snerchmuffs in their backpacks over their ears. The Author’s Note finished, and chapter…three?...started.
“Bauh?” Redd managed.
“Eru Iluvatar,” Jill snarled, following it with a string of curses that really doesn’t need to be translated.
“What in hellgates?” Redd hissed. “Oh, Mother Nature – no.”
“Bad, bad, bad,” Jill growled. Out of the corner of his eye, Redd could swear he could see his partner’s canines grow longer. He edged away slightly.
Blood omen chapter 3
Zain walked nervously into his home and sat at the table where his father was sitting
Ummmmmm dad he sad nervously some sweat making its way down his face
Jill burst out laughing.
Redd looked at her, brows raised. Jill just laughed harder.
“What?” Redd asked.
“No, no, no,” she giggled. “Never mind – it’s just – it’s a human thing. Elf thing. Humanoid thing. Whatever.”
“What?” Redd insisted. Jill grinned.
“With humans, parents generally give talks on…well, y’know, puberty. Coming of age.” She waved her paws. “You know!”
“Yes, yes. Carry on?”
“We call it ‘the talk’.” Jill snickered.
Redd nodded. “Ah.”
“And the way this Stu is talking, it sounds like…like…” To Redd it sounded as though his partner was in serious danger of spontaneous combustion.
“Yes?” he asked.
“Like he’s just done something…you know…or felt…you know…or gotten a…a…oh, YOU KNOW! You’re supposed to be pervy lecherous person here! Beast! Whatever! You figure it out!” Jill flung her paws up in the air.
Then he burst into laughter.
“See, I knew you’d get it,” Jill said, sounding pleased.
The Stu’s conversation with his father, Caspian, had progressed beyond asking for permission to leave home (to which Caspian promptly agreed) to talking about the Stu’s supposed powers.
Yea Zain said with a frown how will I find it though it’s been sixteen years and I still don’t know how to reveal them
“That means Zain is at least…um…” Redd did the mental math. “Sixty-four seasons old.” He shook a clenched paw at the scene. “Seasons, Suethor, SEASONS! NOT years, SEASONS!”
“Okay! Okay! Calm down, Redd!” Jill yelled. “Jeez…” She glanced at the fic, then froze.
“What is it?” Redd asked. Jill pointed, shaking visibly.
Oh yea I have to gather provisions and make nakia a weapon in the forge
Oh Caspian said what kind of weapon are you making for her he asked
Well Zain said a bow she has a great eye and perfect aim
“A bow,” Jill snarled between gritted teeth. “A bow. He is making this Sue who has perfect aim a BOW. In. The. FORGE. How the fucking hell do you make a BOW in the FORGE?! You CAN’T make a BOW IN THE FORGE. It is bloody IMPOSSIBLE. A forge is used for WORKING METAL. NOT WOOD, WHICH IS WHAT BOWS ARE MADE OF. BOWS DO NOT TEND TO WORK WELL IF THEY ARE MADE. IN. THE. FORGE. WHICH. HAS. FIRE. FIRE AND WOOD DO NOT GO TOGETHER. FIRE BURNS WOOD. UNLESS YOU WANT A BOW THAT IS ONLY USEFUL FOR CHARCOAL, YOU DON’T. MAKE. BOWS. IN. THE FORGE. Unless you’re making a METAL BOW. Metal does not BEND very well, that is why people use WOOD to make BOWS. Now I can understand if you’re making arrows. You make the arrowheads out of metal, although if you’re making ARROWSHAFTS out of metal that works just about as well as a METAL. FREAKING. BOW. But a BLOODY FUCKING METAL BUGGERING BOW IS ABOUT AS OF MUCH USE TO A WARRIOR AS THE ABILITY TO REGURGITATE WHOLE LOBSTERS OR DO THE CAN-CAN ON STILTS. YOU CANNOT. MAKE. WORKING. BOWS. OUT. OF. METAL. IT WON’T WORK. METAL DOES NOT BEND VERY WELL. YOU THINK IT’S ALL IN THE STRING? YOU THINK THE BENDIER THE STRING IS, OKAY, IT’S ALL FINE AND DANDY? WELL, IT’S NOT. THE STRING CAN BE MADE OF LEATHER OR UNICORN HAIR OR THE TENDONS OF A FLATULATING COW FOR ALL I CARE, THE BOW. MUST. BE. MADE. OF. WOOD. WOOD. ACTUALLY. BENDS. DO YOU KNOW WHY ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN MEDIEVAL MOVIES ARE SHOOTING ARROWS FROM BOWS MADE OF WOOD? THAT IS BECAUSE. THAT. ACTUALLY. WORKS. UNLIKE A FUCKING BLOODY METAL BOW FROM HELLGATES THAT CAN. NOT. WORK. AT. BUGGERING. ALL. WITHOUT. FUCKING. UP. THE. LAWS. OF. PHYSICS. METAL DOES NOT MAKE A BOW. BOWS ARE NOT MADE OF METAL. SURE, THE BOWS IN MODERN DAYS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY’RE MADE OF, PLASTIC OR SOMETHING, THOSE FREAKY BOWS WITH A BILLION PARTS AND LITTLE STICKS TO LAY YOUR ARROWS ON, BUT THEY ARE PROBABLY NOT MADE OF METAL. AND IF THEY ARE BY SOME MIRACLE MADE OF METAL, IT IS SOME SORT OF SPECIALIZED CARBON STEEL THAT THEY DID NOT HAVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES. I DO NOT CARE IF YOU HAVE SUPERPOWERS. I DO NOT CARE IF YOUR POWERS MAKE YOU OH SO UBERSPESHUL. UNLESS YOUR POWERS INCLUDE THE ABILITY TO MAKE METAL GO AGAINST THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, METAL. DOES. NOT. MAKE. A. BOW. NOW ROAST IN HELLGATES, YOU BLOODY CANON-WARPING FIENDS, YOU AND YOUR SUPERPOWERS AND YOUR PERFECT AIM AND YOUR BLOODY BLOOD OMENS AND –”
Jill's furious tirade was cut off by Redd’s backpack to the back of her head. “Sorry about that,” he muttered as his partner slumped forward. “And you talk to me about calming down.”
The agent’s rant had gone on through that chapter and into the next. Without her noticing, the scene had changed, making them “Far under the earth somewhere to the Deep South”. A “dark mysterious voice” was speaking to a rat named Arconcos, seeming distressed because “he” (probably Zain) was not “heeding his dreams”.
My lord he said with a hiss he will not heed the lore of dreams he is not an overly superstious creature but he said smoothly I think I know how to make him act.
Explain arconcos the voice echoed
Well his best friend is the mortal nakia disgusting creature we do something to harm her he will follow the clues and come to us to save her
“Ah, so it is Zain,” Redd mused. “Unless Nakia has a different best friend. And I doubt this Suethor would have enough imagination to think of someone different.”
Very good arconcos now gather a team and……… make sure the jackal whelp dose not get to him first
Yes master arconcos said and he slithered away to obey his master
“How the fuck do rats slither?” a voice behind Redd asked, sounding disgruntled. Jill sat up, rubbing her head. “Are they slugs? No, they are rats. And jackals are not supposed to be in the Mossflower universe. And that hurt,” she told her partner.
“Sorry,” said the fox, not sounding sorry at all.
Jill grunted. “Meh. Aw, ERU, not another one!” This was in response to yet another original character appearing – this one the “jackal whelp” the voice had spoken of.
Huff Huff darkhan was panting running away from the underground police he was a jackal his fur was black and his eyes were a amber color ha-ha cant catch me weaklings he shouted tauntingly at the guards as they chased him through the underground chasm hmm light he exclaimed he hated leaving his sister and mother behind but he had no choice his mother was to frail to make the journey he intended to make and his sister was too young none the less he was going to put a stop to the tyrants plans for the crimson king so that his family could live in peace above ground
“Yup. Another run-on,” Redd replied, rubbing his ears in pain. “Ow.”
He over heard the tyrants plans for the crimson king known as Zain he had to find and warn his future king of the tyrants plans to take over the free world using the powers of the crimson king he sprinted through the caves into fresh air ahhhhh he explained finally I lost those dumbasses I must find this Zain person so that he can help me nay help the free world
“BREATHE, you idiot! BREATHE!” Jill shouted. “You’re in fresh air, now USE THOSE LUNGS OF YOURS AND INHALE!”
The jackal did nothing of the sort. Instead, he “pawed his sword handle” (Jill and Redd snickered madly, then high-fived. Pervy PPCers stick together) and was attacked by two guards. Guards of what, the story didn’t say, and the agents sat back, rather bored, watching the guards get their asses kicked. Of course – what Stu is complete without strength to rival Martin? The jackal then found a “great power source” (what kind of power, it was not said) and decided to follow it.
“Henceforth, I declare this the Fic of Unspecificness,” Redd announced, waving a bottle in the air. The two had discovered a bottle of Bleepka in Jill’s backpack, most likely old, but probably the better for it. During the fight scene, they had drunk about half of it, and were likely to drain it within the next few minutes.
Just in time, the two remembered to follow the story on to Zain’s house, where the Stu was awakening from sleep.
Zain awoke with a start it was in the middle of the night but he sensed something was not right he heard noises and bangs as he heard footpaws storm up the stairs
ZAIN Caspian yelled GET UP WERE UNDER ATTACK
I knew this Zain explained as his eyes began to turn red with the blood omen we have to find nakia dad
Zain remember don’t let him take control
Yea yea Zain muttered as blood began to run down his face lets go
“And…this kid has never gotten this ‘Blood omen’ before…but yet he’s completely cool when it happens? Shit, I was less cool about my period, and I knew it was probably going to happen sometime, and it’s probably a little less disgusting than blood running out of your freaking eyes and you going completely psycho! And no, PMS does NOT compare!” Jill yelled. “And stop laughing!” she told Redd, who got an elbow in his ribs.
Nakia was scared she heard loud noises so she went into the kitchen and grabbed a pan then she saw the first rats face look them she smashed it knoking him out cold a pair of hands dragged her outside a bunch of rats had her and was now putting fire to herhome she screamed as she realized her father was wstill inside let me go she yelled daddy hehehe your daddys dead now whelp that was the last thing he said as Zains scythe went through his head he shuddered and fell
“Dibs on the scythe!” Jill and Redd chorused together, then glared at each other.
“Fine. We share it,” Jill snapped. “You have it when you absolutely need it, I get it when I absolutely need it, and we keep it hung up on the wall next to the pelts of these pathetic Sues. Deal?”
“Eh, fine,” Redd replied with a shrug.
SO YOU WANT SOME MORE YOU FILTHY MORTLALS
“He’s trying for drama and completely failing,” Redd said, sounding bored as Zain “brutally slashed all of them to pieces”. “And what the hell is a ‘mortlal’?” The fox began to file under his right claws with the left ones. “Agh. This is dull.”
The Stu held Nakia as Redd and Jill grimaced. “Saccharine…overload…” Jill groaned as the Sue and Stu shared a horrifically stupid Sappy Moment™. Then she blinked. “What the hell?”
A tiny creature with dull gray fur, no face, and no tail trotted out of the scene. Redd blinked. “I think it’s naki9a. I suppose it’s a mini-Sue.” He poked the mini, then dropped her into his backpack. Squeals came from it as naki9a met vulpiz. “Hmm. Wonder what we should do with her.”
“Pit her in battles against those mini-Sues that Manx and Shadow picked up?” Jill mused. “Or just keep her as a pet?”
“Mini-Sue death matches. Totally.”
HIA the next chapter R&R I am finally getting my chapters longer yay
“Yes. Yay. Hooray,” Redd said, his voice completely flat.
Chapter 5 Crimson King
Zain could hardly remember the events of last night other then nakia losing her father and Zain killing 7 rats in about 30 seconds but he awoke with something relatively heavy he opened his eyes to find nakia on laying next to him with her head on his chest he moved away slowly his face burning when she awoke as well and grasped his wrist
“There were no other events of last night besides the Sue’s dad getting killed and the Stu here slaughtering those rats,” Jill hissed, wincing as she experienced an entire night flying past in one second. Finding that you haven’t eaten in what feels like twelve hours is not very good to one’s stomach, so she pulled out a small bag of beef jerky and gnawed on a chunk. “Mmm, teriyaki,” she mumbled through a mouthful of beef. She offered some to the fox, who took it, chomping away. Jill opened her laptop and read through some of the Words ahead. “Hey, Redd –” she began, then, “AW MY GOD IS HIS HEAD ON FIRE?!”
Redd gaped at the Words.
Where ya goin she asked
Ummm he said his face on fire umm just letting you sleep grateful that it was dark so she could not see him blushing
No stay with me she grasped his arm a little tighter please I don’t wanna be alone right now
“…Are we going to be forced to watch Sue sex scenes?” Jill asked in growing horror. “Sue sex scenes with horrible spelling and grammar? Sue sex scenes with horrible spelling and grammar and with one of the participants having his head on fire? Because if we are I think I’ll shoot myself with my own crossbow.”
“Only your dirty mind would think that would happen in this situation,” said Redd, being rather hypocritical. He himself was very pervy. The fox scanned the fic ahead. “No, I don’t think there’s going to be any sex, but…” He grinned broadly and pointed at the Words now going past.
Nakia awoke again this time Zain was still asleep she looked at his face he was so……… handsome cute she blushed at her own thoughts of him as she slowly fell back to sleep
“To dream of him, of course? In incredibly graphic detail?” Redd asked with a wicked grin. Jill thwapped him.
“EWWWW! And you go after me for being a sicko?” Jill yelled, punching him on the arm. Redd just laughed.
(sigh) was the only thing that escaped dark khans mouth he had basically no idea where he was going just that he was following a strong energy source that just might be the crimson king (zain) . He was pretty much bored out of his mind with nothing to do but follow the source that might lead him to the person who might possibly be the strongest creature on the planet
“Yeah. He was bored out of his mind. While tracking this ‘crimson king’ that seems so important to him and is also supposedly the ‘strongest creature on the planet’. Right.” Jill nodded. Then she cracked up, barely managing to keep enough composure to type up a fresh charge. “This freaking thing just about sporks itself,” she giggled, picking up dark khans, the mini-Stu, and dropping him into her backpack. “There’s almost nothing we can actually do with this fic. Except just kill it at the end. Laptop, please?” Redd handed her the computer – he had been playing (and mastering) Minesweeper any time there had been a boring bit. Jill glanced at the chargelist. “Hmm. Looks like enough to kill. Shall we? We can ambush that jackal once he comes around the bend…look.”
“…Jill, that jackal is almost twice your height.”
“Oh.” Jill looked at darkhan with an expression of vague interest. “Well, we’ll deal with that.” And before Redd could stop her, she launched herself at the Stu.
I wonder he exclaimed if he’s a jackal he mused yeah it has to be jackals must be the strongest creatures and the smartest yea yea the crimson king must be a jackal yes he must be jackals are defiantly strong and smart enough to be a living god like the crimson king heh yeah
Dark khan continued to think this as he followed the strong energy source
The last thought he would ever think, in fact.
A small white shape blurred out of the darkness, leaping through the air. Darkhan turned to swat the attacker to the ground, but in mid-leap, the thing…transformed. It grew larger – much larger – and sprouted thick gray fur, and once it landed on the jackal, he quickly became aware it had become almost twice his size and grown more teeth. Large teeth. Teeth that were currently almost touching his muzzle. He almost screamed, but was too terrified to do so.
“Okay,” the wolf growled, speaking to a fox that stood nearby, looking almost as petrified as the Stu. “Redd, get me the skinning knife, okay?”
Redd stared. “You – you – you just turned into a wolf,” he said shakily.
“Yes, I am perfectly aware of that,” Jill snapped. “I am a werewolf. Deal. Now, get the freakin’ knife out so that I may take the pelt of this jackal as a trophy.”
Redd started, then pulled the blade out of his backpack. Jill began reciting charges.
“Darkhan, also known as Gary Stu, we charge you with being a Gary Stu, with being an annoying bit-character, with being a jackal when jackals are not supposed to be present in Mossflower, with having strength to rival Martin’s, with being able to detect ‘power sources’, with being amazingly bored for some reason when you’re on a Great Big Uber-Quest to, I quote, ‘follow the source that might lead him to the person who might possibly be the strongest creature on the planet’. And while we’re at it, using ‘person’ instead of ‘beast’. Oh, and with being speciesist, too. Any last words?”
may yo b ccursed to hell darkhan said.
“Oh, what a waste. Bye-bye!” Jill promptly sliced his throat open, then leaped off the jackal’s body as blood spurted from the wound. “Eurgh,” she muttered, wincing as her body returned to the stoat shape. “Okay. Portal generator?”
Wordlessly, the fox gave her the machine. Jill opened a portal to their Response Center, then shoved the jackal through. The next portal was to Zain’s house, where Caspian was tossing and turning in bed.
As they stepped through, Redd asked tentatively, “So…you can transform into a wolf?”
“It’s a bloody Sue power. Get the picture?” Jill answered. “Look, I can’t help being a werewolf any more than you can help having a tail. Get it?” She sighed. “There’s an agent over in some other department who’s a were-penguin. And there’s several other werewolves, but I don’t really know them. Look, there’s an agent who was created because the author misspelled some Beethoven sonata. Stuff. Happens. Okay?”
“…Just asking,” Redd muttered, after a brief silence.
Jill turned around. “Sorry. It’s just…yeah.” She shrugged. “It’s a weird issue with me. Could we just forget it and get back to killing the fic?”
Redd nodded assent, and they turned to the fic.
Caspian could not sleep he rolled around in bed thinking about Laura his deceased wife
Jill smirked. “Should you say the dirty joke, or should I?” she asked.
“My turn, I think,” Redd replied. “I think I can definitely tell why he couldn’t sleep…”
The werewolf snickered.
he thought of how beautiful she was and smiled as he realized how much Zain looked like her
The smile was promptly wiped off his face by an arrowpoint pricking his neck.
“Don’t. Move,” Jill hissed. “I can send this arrow through your throat in a tenth of a second. Redd, wanna charge him?”
“Sure. Caspian, also known as Gary Stu, we charge you with being a Gary Stu, with being an annoying bit-character, with screwing up the English language, with being an unspecified ‘half-vermin’, with having ‘ice powers’ that you don’t ever use at all, and with contradicting yourself. Bye-bye!” Jill stood up and neatly put the arrow through his brain. The Stu shuddered and died. “Mmm-kay,” Jill muttered. “And we’re off to kill Arconcos, the Amazing Slithering Rat. By the way, what do you think that ‘mysterious voice’ is?”
“Um…” Redd checked the fic. “His name is Zenithar, and I still have no idea what the hell he is. I suppose we can kill him along with Arconcos.” He opened a portal to earlier in the fic – the part in which Arconcos was speaking with the not-so-mysterious voice – and stepped through.
The rat was standing in an undefined space, conversing with the voice.
Yes master arconcos said
Actually, it came out more as “Yes masgkgllllgkllgh…” as Redd looped a garrote around his neck. Jill pointed a crossbow at the darkness.
“Okay, um…Zenithar…I charge you with being a Gary Stu, with destroying the English language, with being a stereotypical fantasy villain, with not specifying your species, and with being annoying. Bye!” She shot, and the dead Generic Creature topped out of the shadows.
Arconcos clawed at the cord around his neck as Redd snarled in his ear, “Arconcos, also known as Gary Stu, I charge you with being a Gary Stu, with buggering up the English language, with being a stereotypical fantasy sidekick, and with slithering. We sentence you to death.” He tightened the rope until the writhing rat gave a final gurgle and lay still. The fox shoved him through a portal to the Response Center. “So,” he said, “shall we finish off the last two?”
“What do you think?” Jill ducked briefly into their Response Center, rummaging through a pile of weaponry. “Hmm, lessee…yep, that one.” She came out of the portal hauling an enormous weapon behind her. Had Redd known more about the Discworld than just “it has the Hedgehog Song”, he would have recognized the huge crossbow as a miniature Piecemaker. As it was, it just looked like a small siege machine. Jill hefted it on her shoulder.
“Well,” she said happily, sounding for all the world as though she were on a picnic. “Off we go!”
With that, the two portalled ahead.
Listen stay here Zain asked
Okay ill wait here replied nakia
He came back with a beautiful black bow made of a metal she could not identify also with a quiver of arrows the arrows were completely black and had a raven feather at the end of each one
Here Zain said is a bow made of a very rare metal called ebony it can take a lot of practice to use but im confident you’ll be able to use it very well
She held it in her hands for a while then jumped up and hugged him around his waist much to his embarrassment thank you she sniffed
A much blushing Zain said ummm no problem
So ummmm what are we waiting for lets go to your father for a sec might as well see if he wants to come after last night
Yea I guess your right Zain agreed lets go
They found Caspian near the back of Zains house polishing beautiful sword made of an unidentifiable purplish ice
Ummmm nakia asked how come that sword doesn’t melt
“Plotholes, my friend,” came a voice, and Zain and Nakia spun around to see a fox leaning against a Generic Tree next to Caspian. Except…it wasn’t Caspian, it was another white-furred beast, who looked up with a grin. “Hiyah,” she said.
who are you what have you done to my dad Zain said.
Jill winced and rubbed her head. “Please don’t talk like that,” she said. “Really. Your lack of grammar hurts my brain.”
WAT HAVEYOU DONE Zain bellowed. Blood started to trickle down his face.
“That can’t be healthy,” Jill replied. She sighed and reached beside her with one paw. It came up holding an enormous crossbow loaded with a bundle of what looked like forty bolts. She pointed it casually at the two characters.
“Here’s the deal,” Jill said calmly. “We will end up killing you anyway, so –”
RELEAAAAAAAAAAASE Zain screamed, and suddenly, he was behind the stoat. He struck Jill hard with the pole of his scythe, sending her smashing against the wall of the house. Eyes streaming blood, he raised the scythe to slash off the dazed agent’s head. Then he slumped forward. Redd had smacked a stick across the back of his head.
Nakia screamed. Redd knocked her out, too, and dropped to his knees next to his partner. “Crap,” he muttered. “Jill!”
“Ow,” the stoat groaned, struggling to her knees. “Um. Shit, I am going to kill that bastard. Did he just stop time?”
“Yeah. I think so.” Redd glanced worriedly at his partner.
“Guess that’s another charge, then…ow ow ow…” She leaned against the house, then straightened up.
“They will die for this,” she growled. “Now. Tie ‘em up.”
Zain awoke with a huge paw on his chest. Further observation proved that it was covered in gray fur and had large claws. Looking up showed that, yes indeed, a wolf was standing on him.
The Stu opened his mouth to scream his Superpower of Time-Stopping, but the wolf’s other paw clamped over it.
“Don’t even think about it,” she growled. “I am majorly pissed off. You have fucked up with one of my favorite childhood fandoms, destroyed my brain with your lack of SPAG, and also nearly killed me. And even if you stop time now, well…one, you probably won’t be able to get up, and two, I’m going to kill you.” Jill smirked. “After these messages.”
Redd stepped forward. He coughed, then began. “Zain, also known as Gary Stu, we charge you with being a Gary Stu, with completely and utterly destroying the English language, with being a ‘rouase’, with having Sue-per Speshul Stu Powers, with being an undefined ‘half-vermin’, with creating the mini-Deepcoiler vulpiz, with having the ‘blood omen’, with being a flame whore, with having too many periods in your ellipses, with forgetting what a sentence or a punctuation mark is, with never ever EVER using apostrophes or quotation marks, with having ‘gold black eyes’, whatever those are, with having two third chapters and no second chapter, with being sixteen YEARS old and not SEASONS old, with making a METAL BOW in the freaking FORGE, with being a ‘crimson king’, whatever the hell that is, with suddenly manifesting a scythe, with creating the mini-Sue naki9a, with Sudden Face Combustion, with thinking ebony is a metal, with stopping time, with pissing off PPC agents, and with almost making the brains of PPC agents explode.” He lowered the laptop. “Die.”
Zain gave a loud, un-quotation-marked scream before Jill’s claw sliced through his chest. She dragged it down, ripping open his stomach, then she carefully slashed his throat and poked her claws into his eyes. Covered in pink blood, and looking like the Monster from the Pepto-Bismol Lagoon, Jill finally ripped out his heart and squished it. It spurted sparkling blood.
Redd looked incredibly sick, but turned away to charge Nakia. “Nakia, also known as Mary Sue, we charge you with being a Mary Sue, with mangling the English language, with not specifying your species or looks, with having an incredibly annoying accent that sounds like a really stereotypical Harlem girl…” He turned to his partner. “What’s a Harlem?”
“A cultural district in a Real World city. Keep going.”
“Um…with using ‘hand’ instead of ‘paw’, with using ‘ill’ instead of ‘I’ll’, with completely recovering from a supposed tragedy in…oh, what, five seconds? And with pissing us off.” He picked up the Piecemaker from where it lay and pointed it at Nakia, bound and propped up against the house. “Bye-bye.”
When the smoke cleared, Jill looked up from where she had flung herself to the ground. Nothing was left of either Sue nor house – only rubble and a faint coating of pink covering everything was left.
Redd stood there, looking shocked and staring at the crossbow in his hand. “Ho…ly…crap,” he whispered.
And Jill just grinned.
Zain blinked. Something very, very bad had happened – that he knew. He didn’t know what it had been, though.
He looked around. He stood on a wide desert filled with black sand, featureless but for the mountains in the distance – and the creature approaching.
It wore a robe of brown that seemed to twist like a living thing and held an enormous scythe. Its head was hooded, but as it came nearer it looked up. Zain stared into huge, red eyes in the face of a green-furred rabbit.
“Zain, I expect?” it said in harsh tones. The robe seemed to writhe more.
Zain couldn’t speak. He was terrified. This was…this could not be happening…
He spun around to see another coming nearer – cloaked in black this time, wielding a scythe that turned the air blue around its blade, its bony muzzle stuck out of its hood. Literally bony. There was only a rat’s skeleton under the robe.
SQUEAK, it said. SQUEAK EEK IK SQUEAK.
From what Zain could tell, it sounded rather annoyed.
“What?” replied the green-furred rabbit. “Go away. This one is mine.”
SQUEAK! the rat replied indignantly. SQUEAK SQUEAK EEK SQUEAK! EEK IK SQUEAK!
“No, to hell with that! I got here first!” the rabbit shouted.
SQUEAK EEK IK, SQUEAK IK SQUEAK EEK, the rat retorted.
“How the hell do you know he’s a rat? It says ‘half-breed’, now what kind of a creature is that? You just don’t know –”
The rat replied with a surprisingly comprehensive and definitely obscene gesture.
The rabbit looked like he was about to go insane, but he sighed and rubbed his head. “Look, every time I show up for a rat or mouse or anything like that, you come here too. This is not your continuum – ”
SQUEAK EEK, the rat replied.
“Fine, it’s not mine either, but anyway…this is not going to work. I have superiors who will kick my tail from here to Tuesday if I show up letting a soul get away.”
SQUEAK EEK SQUEAK, SQUEAK SQUEAK EEK EEK, the rat pointed out reasonably.
“That doesn’t matter. You’re still not employed by them,” the rabbit snapped. “Look – could you just do your little grasscutting thing, let me take him to Judgment, and go off to your own canon? That’s what you’re supposed to do, anyway.”
The rat considered, then shrugged. SQUEAK.
“Good.” The rabbit turned back to the terrified Zain. He grinned. “Now, on to business…”
The rat swung his scythe. It sliced through the thin blue line linking Zain to his body – well, what was left of his body. Then as the Stu leaped up to run away, the rabbit reached out with his twisting robe and sucked him into his stomach.
“You see, Death of Rats?” the rabbit asked as his cloak closed over Zain. “Worked fine. Sister Vanity will like him a lot.”
And the last thing Zain heard was the rat’s chittering laughter.