Mystery Fanfic Theater 1427: So Harry’s Evil?
[Scene: RC #1427. A projection screen has been set up on the far wall, and near the back of the room, a small projector sits on a chair, humming softly. A laptop is hooked up to it, the screen showing a gray website with indistinguishable words. A tall girl with pale skin and long black hair fiddles with the computer, muttering occasionally to herself. On the blue couch against the back wall, next to the projector, three figures sit: an Asian teenage girl with short black hair and glasses, her companion a small, brown-blond haired girl occasionally taking random swigs from a bottle beside her, and at the very end, a red-haired, freckled young woman who looks rather uncomfortable. The brown-haired girl – named Manx – looks up at the screen first. She taps the Asian girl on the shoulder.]
Shadow: What – oh. Hi, and welcome to Mystery Fanfic Theater!
Manx: Here we mock badfic, annoying writing and just about anything stupidly written that comes our way. With me here is my partner, Shadow, and the lovely Ginny Weasley, my fellow riffers. This is our first MST – but it’s not a fanfiction, it’s a website article. (calls to the girl working on the projector) Arya, want to tell us about it?
Arya Dragon: Yeah. Um, well, I was surfing the net for Harry Potter sites, and I came across a forum discussion. One user linked to this ridiculous article – apparently it’s about how Harry Potter is evil, Tom Riddle represents Christ, and Voldemort is God.
Ginny: (rolls eyes) Oh, good grief.
Arya: It was so hilarious it was impossible not to do something, but it’d be pretty hard to PPC this thing since it isn’t a fanfic. So MSTing was the best option.
Manx: So we’re here. (in undertone) Thanks a lot, Arya.
Arya: Hey, at least it’s not a yiff-fic!
Manx: Whatever. Roll it.
[The girl nods, hits Enter on the keyboard, and leaves the room. The screen lights up and numbers appear, counting down. 5…4…3…2…1…]
Everyone: (with varying levels of enthusiasm) We’ve got story sign!
Shadow: (in an undertone) Yeah, great.
The Immaculate Conception as Perverted in the Pagan Harry Potter Books
Everyone: (silence, then hysterical laughter)
Shadow: (giggling madly) The Immaculate Conception? What the hell?
Ginny: I think I can guess. The Conception’s going to involve me, so you stuck me in here to destroy my brain. Correct?
Manx and Shadow: (look embarrassed and nod)
An article by Lurlene Tyranna Shores
Manx: Sounds like a Sue to me.
Shadow: I mean, Lurlene? Tyranna? Is Tyranna even a name?
Manx: It’s like a dinosaur name or something.
Shadow: Means “tyrannical terror of the Harry Potter fanbase”.
It was with fear and a great sense of shame and guilt that I touched
Shadow: (with a slowly lengthening grin) myself –
Manx: No. Bad Shadow. No Crow Syndrome.
Shadow: (sulkily) Fine.
the cover of a Harry Potter book for the first time, and then forced myself to sit through the movies.
Ginny: (sarcastically) Thank you very much for bashing the world that I live in. How kind of you.
Manx: If she’s all guilty and shameful about this, why’s she forcing herself to watch the movies or read the books?
For weeks I had prayed and asked for guidance, and I hope it was God's will that I did, and saw with my own eyes what is foisted upon the eyes and minds of our children.
Shadow: (irritatedly) It isn’t forced on us, lady. Contrary to popular belief, we actually read these books on our own.
Manx: Ah, so it’s for God. So that’s why this zealot’s forcing herself to read these (does air quotes) “abominations”.
I have heard many bad things about these books and movies,
(Ginny turns rigid. Manx and Shadow edge away from her.)
Ginny: (through clenched teeth) I would like to hunt down this woman and feed her to the giant squid. How dare she insult the wizarding world. How could she… (breaks off) Do you know a good place to get a…what’s it called…a…chainsaw?
(Manx and Shadow edge even further away from her.)
there would be countless instances of witchcraft,
Manx: (amused) No fucking shit.
Shadow: Well, DUH! These are FANTASY novels about Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Of COURSE they have “witchcraft”.
Manx: I’d like to do that very much.
Shadow: (waves hand) Go right ahead.
Manx: [CENSORED FOR SANITY PURPOSES]
Shadow: (weakly, on the floor) Thank you very much for destroying my brain.
brewing of drugs made by boiling alive babies pulled from the earth,
Manx: What the –
Ginny: She means the mandrakes?!
Shadow: (furiously) News flash, woman: THEY DIDN’T STEW THE BABIES, THEY STEWED THE FRICKIN’ LEAVES TO HELP THEIR FRIENDS! THEY WERE NOT “DRUGS”!
sexual congress with goats
(Ginny sputters in astonished laughter, Shadow gapes, then cracks up, and Manx starts singing the Hedgehog Song, giggling hysterically in between words. Shadow smacks her on the back of the head.)
Manx: (laughing) Does she – (snigger) – mean – (snicker) – Aberforth’s, ahem, inappropriate charms on a goat? (She finally stops speaking and rolls on the ground, practically apoplectic with amusement.)
and many more things not fit for young readers' and viewers' eyes,
Manx: (sarcastically) You’d be surprised at how many “young people”…wait for it…ACTUALLY READ THE BOOKS AND WATCH THE MOVIES AND DON’T CARE!
Ginny: (says nothing, but twitches. Manx and Shadow shuffle so far away from her they’re almost hanging off the edge of the couch.)
but what I found was much worse still than I had feared.
Ginny: (explodes) HOW?! YOU’VE ALREADY DECIDED THAT MY WORLD IS FULL OF EVIL MURDERING SATANISTS THAT LIKE TO KILL CHILDREN AND BUGGER GOATS! HOW CAN YOU FIND SOMETHING “WORSE” THAN THAT?!
Manx: Exactly. (stands up to rant at the screen) EFFIN’ IDIOT! THE HARRY POTTER NOVELS ARE PERFECTLY FINE! THEY ARE NOT TEACHING CHILDREN TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL OR SOMETHING EQUALLY STUPID!
Shadow: I completely agree. YOU BRAINLESS LUNKHEADED EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!
Please do not let your children read these books or watch these movies!
Ginny: (is speechless in astonished fury)
Manx: (open-mouthed) But how can you stop them? You’re treating the Harry Potter novels like, like, like…I don’t know…pornographic (Ginny visibly twitches) novels you should shield your children from! (gives up and smashes head against the wall)
Shadow: (twitching frantically) Can someone please just put me out of my misery? My brain hurts.
I will now tell you why:
Shadow: … I am such a total moron! (puts on an expression of mock sadness) It was because Harry Potter jumped out of his book and tried to suck the life from me with his terrible Satan-gifted powers, which by the way were never said to be from the devil in the books! He tried to tempt me into mortal sin by giving me the potion made of dead babies, which was actually made to heal people from a terrible sickness in the novels! He showed me inverted crosses and Wiccan symbols, which are normally harmless, and tried to stray me from the path of PERFECT LIGHT AND GOOD WHICH YOU CAN ONLY BE ON BY HATING CHILDREN’S BOOK SERIES! But I drove him off even though he was not even EVIL in the bloody BOOKS! (drops pretense) YOU FREAKING IDIOT!
Ginny: Oh, great. Not only is she an imbecile, a way-too-conservative Christian, and an idiot who likes to bash children’s books before she’s even READ them, she’s a terrible writer!
Manx: (mockingly) “I will now tell you why…” WERE YOU PAYING ATTENTION IN YOUR WRITING CLASSES, YOU GLAURUNGING IDIOT?!
The antagonist in the Harry Potter books is a man called Tom (parody of the Trinity, more about that in the next paragraph)
Manx: (gapes) Bzuh? How the… (shakes head) I really, really do not want to know how this stupid moron thought Tom was a “parody of the Trinity”.
Shadow: Exactly. (grins) Call me insane –
Manx: (muttering) You are.
Shadow: – but I would love to see this mindless woman’s false logic.
Ginny: (clenching fists) You-Know-Who’s real name was not representative of the Trinity. He was evil, heartless, cruel, sadistic, and completely vicious. He was NOT – (she stands up to scream at the screen) THE REPRESENTATION OF GOD, OR SOMETHING JUST AS RETARDED!
Marvolo (marvels miracles)
Shadow: (gritting teeth) Marvolo does not mean “marvels miracles”. I don’t know what it means, but that is certainly not it.
Riddle (referring to the Divine mystery),
Manx: Well, okay, that’s fine, the reasoning is surprisingly strong here…BUT WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO DISSECT VOLDEMORT’S NAME IN A SPIRITUAL WAY?!
a man who is three as one, in the spiritual shape of an old man
Shadow: What the hell’s a spiritual shape?
(Voldemort ¨Cmeaning flight of death, a direct reference to the plagues over Egypt), in the body of the young man who lives in the diary (Bible),
Manx: And what the hell’s “cmeaning”?
Ginny: (icily) The diary was not the Bible, it was a Horcrux, and it almost killed me. I will not thank you if you persist in comparing objects of absolute evil to religious texts.
and as the spirit that guides (as in the first book when he fights the witches for a stone the Sorcerer's Stone that grants immortality and is in defiance of the punishment for the fall).
Manx: So…she’s saying…that Voldemort represents Satan…or he represents God…or he represents Christ… (groans) Oh, gods. This is too confusing…
Shadow: (amused) Best not to tempt fate, Manx. There’s only (does air quotes sarcastically) “ONE GOD”.
This Tom Riddle is clearly the God of Christian tradition as other Christian critics of Mrs. Rowling's books have pointed out. When Potter first sees Tom Riddle the Son, Tom is described as strangely blurred around the edges, suggesting a halo (p. 330).
Manx: But…but…what the…
Ginny: (furiously) He was blurred, you bloody madwoman, because he was a shard of You-Know-Who’s soul! He was using my life force to gain a foothold in this world, so he could kill Harry Potter, my future husband. Do you understand? Or should I repeat it in words of one syllable or less?
Shadow: Well, Manx, guess that answers your question. Voldemort equals Jesus. Now can we go? (gets up to leave)
Ginny: (pushes Shadow back down in her seat) No. Sit. You’re going to go through this just like me.
The reason why Mrs. Rowling calls Jesus Tom is simple.
Manx: (groans, shuts her eyes, and covers her ears.) I don’t wanna hear it.
Shadow: No more convoluted logic!
In England, the saying every Tom, Dick and Harry is highly popular and in this case alludes to the omnipresence of God in our world.
Ginny: No, it doesn’t.
Shadow: How the fuck does Tom, Dick and Harry relate to the omnipresence of God?
Manx: Don’t ask.
This is another attempt to confuse us by presenting a false, mixed up trinity: Tom, the Father; Dick, the Spirit (better known in the series as the ghost Sir Benedict de Mimpsy Porkington, affectively called Nearly-Headless-Dick by the children); and Harry, as the Son, the false Christ. Later, Tom the Son will remark that he and Potter are very alike (p. 340), causing more confusion in the heart of the reader.
Ginny: How in the world does Nearly-Headless-NICK represent the spirit? And it’s not bloody Benedict de Mimpsy Porkington, it is Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington. And we do not call him Nearly Headless Dick.
Shadow: But how the hell can Harry be the Son and Tom be the Father and Tom also be the Son…ARGH! (bashes head against wall)
Manx: (pats Shadow on shoulder) Told you not to ask. She probably doesn’t even know Tom is Voldemort. I bet the way she “read” the books was to turn the pages with ten-meter-long tongs and read a single sentence really really fast just to get the gist of the whole thing. (Shadow grins.)
Lucius Malfoy (meaning of bad/wrong faith, again this is misleading!),
Manx: (angrily quotes from Wikipedia article) Ahem. “Lucius is one of the small group of common forenames found in the culture of ancient Rome. It is derived from the Latin lux, meaning light.” See, you crazy woman? It means LIGHT. It does not mean “of bad or wrong faith”.
Shadow: Methinks she thinkest that Lucius is equable to Lucifer, meaning the master of Hell.
Manx: Shadow? No more Old English for you.
a respectably dressed family man with the pale hair and ethereal looks of an Angel, representing the Angel Gabriel of the Annunciation (Luke 1:31, but with the name of the fallen one in order to confuse Christian readers)
Manx: ARGH! He was not a family man, he was not representing an angel, and I doubt Rowling was trying to confuse oh-so-pure Christian readers about the nature of Lucius Malfoy’s spiritual status!
gives the girl of a humble home, Ginny Weasley, the diary of Tom Riddle.
(Ginny clenches her teeth, twitches, and stares hard at the screen. Manx and Shadow hide under the couch.)
Ginny: (softly) If you dare to write about me ever again like that, I will personally rip your lungs out and stuff them down your throat, then pull our your intestines and hang you from a thorn-covered tree with hippogriffs snapping at your feet below.
Manx: (looking sickened) Is that even physically possible?
Shadow: I doubt it.
It is not hard to realize this diary, containing the life history of our Lord Tom the Son, represents both the message that she is to become the Divine vessel, and the Christian Bible, the very base of our faith.
Ginny: The diary didn’t contain the “life history” of You-Know-Who! It was completely blank, and then it tried to kill me!
Manx: Argh. (buries head in hands) First you tell us Voldemort’s the Son. Then you say he’s the Father. Then it’s the Son again. (looks up) Make up your mind, you corpse-brained chunk of –
(The other MSTers leap on Manx and cover her mouth with pillows.)
Shadow: Please don’t say that. My brain’s still hurting from all that cursing you did before.
The Angel Malfoy, with modesty that befits his kind, does not touch the revered and frightened girl but puts the diary in the girl's cauldron, representive of her womb.
Manx: (hissing) Malfoy is not a fucking angel. He’s a fucking HUMAN and a fucking DEATH EATER. (in an undertone) Retard.
Ginny: (enraged) I was not revered when he threw that filthy diary in my cauldron, I was afraid that he was going to kill my father! And he was not bloody modest, he was being a cocky slimeball git!
Shadow: And how sick do you have to be to really think that a cauldron is like a womb?
The innocent Ginny
Ginny: ARGH! If she says something like that one more time…
confides in the diary, asking it questions, and the diary advises her, guides her, like the Holy Scripture. About the diary she says, I'm so glad I've got this diary to confide in ... It's like having a friend I can carry around in my pocket (p. 335). Isn't this the way we wish our children would think about the Holy Scripture?
Manx: (sarcastically) Yeah, well, you see, there’s a really big difference between the Holy Scripture and a soul-sucking blank diary that tries to pull a girl’s life force out of her while possessing her to kill roosters – HEM HEM – and write messages on the walls in red paint while letting an evil snake beast out of a pit. (yelling suddenly at the screen) HAVE YOU COMPLETELY MISSED OUT ON THE WHOLE POINT OF THE STORIES?! VOLDEMORT WAS EVIL, AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT!
(Ginny is merely speechless, absolutely furious.)
Ginny continues to ask Tom for guidance, until she, under the malevolent and seductive influence of the anti-Christ figure, Harry Potter, bearing the mark of the beast on his front, rejects it and it falls into his hands.
Ginny: (livid with rage) First off, my husband does not bear a “mark of the beast” on his front. I was not under any “seductive influence” from Harry when I threw the diary away BECAUSE YOU-KNOW-WHO WAS POSSESSING ME TO DO THINGS AGAINST MY WILL! Harry is NOT THE ANTICHRIST, YOU UTTERLY BRAINLESS CREATURE!
Manx: (nods) Can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said. Except maybe… (she stands) YOU COMPLETE, ABSOLUTE–
(Once again, the two other MSTers gag Manx with a pillow.)
The little girl writes Potter a poem: His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad, He is truly divine, the hero who conquered the dark(sic) lord. Once more a blasphemous attempt to turn the tables around and represent witchcraft, a dark force Christianity has faced and fought since the dark ages, as benevolent, and make God out to be something dark and fearful to us.
Everyone: What the –
Manx: (spits out feathers from the pillow) Eh?
Shadow: How in the world –
Ginny: That poem was, well, just an admittedly ridiculous love poem, not a way to make God look evil or whatever! Do the words “DARK LORD” and “EVIL” and “YOU-KNOW-WHO KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE” mean ANYTHING to you?!
Shadow: And I highly doubt it was blasphemous. Look, let me put it this way. Witchcraft or magic or whatever is like a hammer.
Shadow: Shut up and let me finish. Look, you can use the hammer for good, by making a house for someone –
Manx: Or you can use it for evil by bashing someone’s brains out.
Shadow: Exactly. But the point is, whether it’s used for good or evil, it’s a hammer. Same with magic.
Manx: (rolling eyes) This Random Analogy for Small-Minded Idiots brought to you by Manx and Shadow, killing Sues since 2007.
The terms green eyes and pickled toad should be enough to raise the alarm bells in the mind of any true Christian, but our children are not always well versed in the Divine truth of the Bible and defenceless against this sort of Satanic indoctrination.
Shadow: The hell?
Ginny: (fuming) So not only is she an imbecile, a way-too-conservative Christian, an idiot who likes to bash children’s books before she’s even READ them, and a terrible writer…she’s also prejudiced against green eyes?!
Manx: What the hell’s wrong with pickled toads anyway? Has this crazy woman ever dissected a frog? They’re pickled too!
Shadow: (sarcastically) And this bit of Rambling Info for Very Small Brains brought to you by RC #1427: Best Destruction of Organic Material, Anytime, Anywhere!
Ginny, like our own children, is captured by Potter's serpent-like green gaze,
Ginny: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF –
and maybe his tongue; Mrs. Rowling gives away in the first book that the boy can talk to snakes, and considering what we already know about Potter, we should not put seducing an innocent girl into original sin past him. Like our own children, it is a lure she cannot resist, and one the Virgin Mary never had to face.
(Ginny finally snaps. She screams, leaps up, and points her wand at the screen, shrieking every curse she can think of. The screen turns into numerous nasty things, at one point sprouting little flabby tentacles, then doing cartwheels, then getting covered in bat-winged, flapping boogers, and finally bursting into flames and exploding. Manx and Shadow, who have been hiding behind the couch this whole time, peek out over the top to see. They’re greeted with the sight of a panting Ginny, standing before a large crater, which is all that remains of the screen. But even as they watch, a new screen slowly materializes in the middle of the room.)
Ginny: What the – (she spins around) How did that happen?
(A mechanized, robotic voice comes from a loudspeaker at the top of the projector.)
Automated Voice: In the case of total destruction, MSTing Equipment’s warranty will replace the screen free of charge. We fully understand your furies over whatever fanfic or bad writing has been projected on the screen. Pirated Star Trek technology will be used to send the screen. However, if you destroy more than five screens, destroy one without need, or destroy one that has not been showing bad writing, you will be forced to slave in the MSTing Equipment Manufacturing Sweatshop for several millennia, you utter bastard. Thank you, and have a nice day.
(Everyone is silent, staring at the screen. Manx breaks the silence.)
Manx: Well. Yeah. That was unexpected.
(The projector whirs to life again, having been transformed into a large coffee table by Ginny’s spell.)
In this second book in the series, Mrs. Rowling, who for many years studied Satanism and Kabbalah in France and several other secularized old world countries, represents the Immaculate Conception by Ginny of Tom as rape, of the mind but also of the body, and the Annunciation as a fraud committed against the virgin girl meant to be the bride of the anti-Christ figure Potter.
Ginny: Yeah, this “Immaculate Conception” thing she’s making You-Know-Who’s possession of me become WAS rape, since I was completely unwilling! You idiot!
She does this inversion of our ancient truths without blinking an eyelash, and according to some is a representative on earth of the ancient demon Lilith, who was rejected by Adam as a wife for her forwardness and her refusal to take a wifes place.
Manx: Okay. That is it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Anyone can post their ideas and interpretations of books, movies, and fictional universes. However. (takes a deep breath) IF YOU THINK A PERFECTLY NORMAL NOVELIST IS LIKE A DEMON INCARNATE, YOU ARE SICK AND IDIOTIC AND SHOULD BE THROWN IN A LAKE!
Shadow: (muttering) How the hell do you blink an eyelash, anyway?
Before the conception of Tom Riddle, the Son, is completed, Potter pierces the Bible Ginny holds with the fang of a serpent-like poisonous monster, burns it, and reclaims his unconscious bride (the scene bears resemblance to the one in Rosemary's Baby since Ginny is also wearing a black robe and her legs are uncovered) while Tom is denied becoming flesh to save the world from Potter and his followers.
Manx: Harry doesn’t burn the diary, the venom does it!
Shadow: And I notice this crack-minded retard’s starting to refer to canonical objects by her weird spiritual reasoning.
Manx: And is she Amish or something? “Legs are uncovered…” Whatever!
A phoenix, favourite symbol of Freemasons like Hilary Clinton, a bird born from fire and with feathers the color of hellish flames, red, gold, orange and yellow (not coincidentally also the colors of Potter's house in the school) comes to Potter's aid.
Ginny: Has this woman absolutely missed out on the snake symbolism of Slytherin House?
Shadow: I don’t doubt it.
Manx: Hilary Clinton’s a Freemason?
Not surprisingly, Ginny weeps silently after being 'rescued' by Potter, for deep inside she knows that now she will face a fate worse than death, and that she is lost (p. 350). The movie ends with Potter and his mentor, a master in the Satanic art of shape shifting, humiliating the Angel of the Annunciation.
Ginny: AAAAAARGH! For the love of Merlin, I was crying because I was in shock! I was almost KILLED! I was not crying because I was “facing a fate worse than death” or anything!
Manx: And how the fuck is shapeshifting Satanic?
In a particularly distasteful and lewd display, Potter tries to tempt the rightfully furious Angel by raising his pant leg and showing him his nude ankle. In this way the Harry Potter books contribute to the hidden gay agenda.
(Shocked silence. Everyone stares at each other. Then they all start laughing hysterically.)
Shadow: (wiping her eyes, giggling madly) HAHAHAHAHAAAAH! This is just hilarious!
Ginny: Well, Manx, (giggle) I guess this answers your question. Yep, she’s either Amish or from the sixteenth century. (snigger) “Nude ankle”, my Pygmy Puff’s arse.
When this temptation is refused, he has a malignant house spirit who embodies all the evils of stem-cell research curse the angel down.
(More hysterical laughter. Shadow is rolling on the floor, giggling, Manx is snickering madly and beating the couch arm, and Ginny is lying on the couch, screaming with laughter.)
Manx: If she means (snort) Dobby, I think I’m going to (snicker) die of laughter!
Shadow: (hysterical giggling) I know (gasp) I should make some sort of snarky comment, but this…(she points to the screen) This just speaks for itself.
In the book Blood in Vein, notorious Satanist Brian Hodge puts the blasphemous words, There are many gods. There are many sons conceived by rape.¡± as an answer to the question, What of your being the Son of God? into the mouth of Jesus (p. 271 of the paperback). This is common practice among Satanists, representing God as one of a multitude so we will lose direction, and perverting the birth of our Saviour in rituals where they invert crosses, spill the blood of roosters, have goats rape virgins, and eat newborns. And we now see that they will stop at nothing.
Manx: (as Lurlene) They’ve entered my brain! They’re eating it from the inside! That’s why I’m writing such retarded articles! Guard your children! AAAAAEEERGH!!!
Shadow: That wasn’t funny.
Manx: Well, what can you say after a statement like that?
Throughout every next book in the series, Our Lord Voldemort/God tries to smite Potter and, according to Mrs. Rowling, every time he fails, reinforcing gullible readers' confidence in the power of evil.
Manx: Um, kinda the OPPOSITE … Rowling’s saying that VOLDEMORT is EVIL, and fails to kill HARRY, the PROTAGONIST and therefore, you know, the GOOD person?
Shadow: And I distinctly remember that in the third book and the sixth Harry does not combat Voldemort.
Ginny: This bit of Canonical Information, Shortened for Miniscule Minds, brought to you by –
Shadow: Stop. It was funny the first time. Funny the second time. Not the third time.
Potter's godfather, the ancient Egyptian demon Sirius (better know to us as Satan, or Potter's [GOD] ie true father, historically Set)
Everyone: What the FUCK?!
Shadow: (sarcastically) Oh, I know nothing about Egyptian mythology! But I’ll just say that Sirius is in the Egyptian pantheon just to relate him to Set, who in fact is NOT Satan!
who also takes the shape of a large black dog, and is described as both beautiful and violent by Mrs Rowling, appears in three of the books and returns physically to the underworld when Potter turns sixteen and is no longer in need of his protection.
Ginny: (coldly) Do not ever speak about Sirius that way again. In fact, don’t speak about Sirius at all.
Manx: Brainless idiot.
One wonders if the infernal nuptials of Potter's mother Lily, also named after Lilith, and this dog will be described in any of the following books.
Manx: (completely astonished) Wow.
Shadow: How the fuck did she think that?!
Ginny: (laughing) Oh, this is hilarious.
Nothing good can come of this
Manx: …terribly written article!
Shadow: Right you are.
Our country is now beleaguered in the Harry Potter merchandize, colorfully, festively almost announcing the arrival of the anti-Christ.
Shadow: Uh, we’re celebrating the arrival of a new book to our favorite series. Not the arrival of the Antichrist or something.
The worst product available to corrupt our youth was Potter's vibrating broomstick, now taken off the market under pressure of Christian parents because it taught young girls how to abuse themselves and awoke their interest in the sins of the flesh. This is damage that cannot be undone.
Manx: Um, I looked that up, and I think the vibrating thing was unintentional.
Shadow: But funny!
Ginny: Vibrating broomstick?
Shadow: Don’t ask.
Our own President and his wife have let this evil into the White House and have boasted Harry Potter themed Christmas decorations!
Manx: Big fucking deal!
Ginny: (enraged) If they call my husband or the Wizarding world evil again, I swear I’ll…
The Vatican, not coincidentally located in the centre of Europe,
Manx: And that has to do with evil how?
has sided with the Satanists and proclaimed Harry Potter harmless; once again the Catholic Church forsakes the Christ and sides with those who would pull us down with them into eternal damnation.
Manx: (exasperated) Oh, for heaven’s sake! Make up your mind! Either you’re a unified church dedicated to saving souls or you’re denouncing the very people in your religion who actually aren’t uptight jerks!
Ginny: Damn right.
It may be already too late to save our world, but we can save our souls and refuse the ticket for a one-way trip to hell Potter provides. It is never too late to cancel your trip.
Ginny: (through gritted teeth) My husband is not providing a trip to hell. He saved the world, for God’s sakes!
Shadow: Fucking right. (screams at the screen) IDIOT! READ THE BOOKS IN DEPTH AND YOU’LL REALIZE ROWLING IS NOT TRYING TO SATANIZE YOUR KIDS! SHE IS JUST WRITING VERY GOOD BOOKS THAT ARE INTERESTING AND WELL-CREATED AND JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE MAGIC IN THEM! ARGH!
God bless you and be with you always
Manx: (sarcastically) Why, thank you.
Shadow: (mock prayerful attitude) God, for Christmas I would like peace on earth, a pony, and someone to kick this idiot off the net.
Ginny: It’s over! YES!
Comments about this article should be sent to the author Lurlene Tyranna Shores
(MSTers look at each other and grin.)
Ginny: (grinning) I truly hope this person is getting hundreds of messages telling her how awful her reasoning is.
(Manx and Shadow nod as the projector turns off.)
Manx: (collapses over the couch) Yes, it’s done! Finally!
Shadow: Ow. My brain.
Ginny: (still gaping at the screen) That was the worst thing I have ever witnessed.
Manx: (whispering to Shadow) Do you think she remembers the Suefics?
Shadow: Doubt it. Which reminds me… (she takes the neuralyzer out of her belt.) Ginny? Look this way.
Ginny: (turns head) What –
(Manx hurries over to the console and opens a portal to Harry and Ginny’s house. Shadow taps the immobile Ginny on the shoulder and motions for her to go through the portal.)
Manx: Bye, Ginny!
(Ginny steps through, and the portal shuts, leaving the two agents standing in the middle of the room. The door opens a moment later, and Arya Dragon steps through.)
Arya: Hey, guys. How was it?
Manx: (collapses on couch) It was awful. AWFUL.
Shadow: But hilarious.
Manx: Yeah…“nude ankle”? WTF?
Shadow: Methinks the author doth be modest overmuch.
Manx: Shadow, what did I tell you about Old English?
Arya: (impatiently) So can I get my screen back now?
Manx: Oh. Yeah. Sure.
(They help Arya wheel the screen out, Shadow carrying the projector. As they near the door, she stops, and turns around to the camera.)
Shadow: Well, guys, it was fun…sort of…
Manx: (muffled, in the corridor) Damn right! It was awful!
Shadow: Yeah, whatever. Well…see you next time, on Mystery Fanfic Theater 1427!
(As she reaches forward to switch off the camera, Manx’s voice can be heard shouting from the hallway.)
Manx: Wait, there’s a next time?
(Shadow grimaces, leans forward, and the camera goes dark.)
A/N: Well, that was very…odd. And bad. Very bad.
And I apologize if Ginny’s accent – or lack of it – bothers you, but, well, I’m a New Yorker. Sorry.