A/N: Yay, my first sporking! Just a quick disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, creators of the PPC, the Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, one of the greatest writer of our time, Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, the second greatest writer of our time, and Marimtudada and the Elf from Hogwrats belongs to colmemunkee, one of the most astonishingly bad Suethors ever.
Mission One: The Elf from…Hogwrats?
Agent Manx set her backpack down in the middle of the cold steel floor and sighed, looking around her new room. Metal, metal everywhere – not very cozy or welcoming. Even the sofa looked hard, and the food replicators were iron-gray steel. A couple of Lord of the Rings posters and some furniture, as well as several trophies from the Sues she would slay, would certainly make the place more like home. She plucked a knife from her belt, flipped it up in the air, caught it, and replaced it in its sheath, wondering idly who her partner would be. Most likely someone insane – she had heard somewhere that most sane agents were balanced out with a psychotic partner.
Almost on cue, a knock on the metal door brought Manx to her senses. She hurried over to the entrance and opened the gate to reveal a tall girl, with short black hair, black eyes, and glasses, wearing a small and (to Manx’s eyes) faintly disturbing smile on her face.
“Hi, I’m Agent Shadow. You’re Manx, right? I’m your partner.”
“I heard,” said Manx, holding out a hand to shake. Wow, she really does look insane, she thought, as Shadow took her hand and nodded. “Come on in, Shadow.”
Shadow stepped inside, looking around. “Uh, nice place. Do you know when we’ll get our first mission?”
“I heard really soon was the norm. Maybe about –”
The rest of her sentence was drowned out by a loud BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! that filled the entire room. Shadow knelt down, her hands over her ears, and Manx swore, barely audible over the noise. She raced over to the console and pressed Mute. Then she saw the title of the Sue-fic, and froze, fists clenching and unclenching, teeth grinding.
Shadow gingerly took her hands off of her ears and stood up, but when she noticed Manx’s expression she almost felt like diving down on the floor again. Manx was rigid, her eye whites had gone bright red and there was a fixed grin on her face. A quiet growling noise was coming from her lips. All in all, she looked very, very scary.
“Manx?” Shadow said tentatively. She didn’t want to be too near her partner – there was no telling what she might do. Carefully, she edged away.
“Shadow, we’re friends, right?” The whisper came from Manx’s nearly unmoving lips.
“Err…yeah, I hope so…” Pleasepleaseplease don’t let her kill me, Shadow thought frantically.
“Good. Then could you be an even better friend and throw me a pillow?”
“Uh…” Shadow looked around frantically and grabbed a cushion off of the couch, throwing it at Manx.
Manx’s hands moved in a blur. Screaming furiously, she shredded the pillow into the smallest pieces she could make. Finally, Manx stopped, as cloth confetti and feathers rained down around her.
Shadow peeked out from behind the couch where she had been hiding. Manx was breathing heavily, a few feathers stuck to her forehead. She brushed them off impatiently. “Sorry about that. It’s Bloodwrath – makes you go berserk when you get really pissed off.” She took a deep breath. “But – jeez, anyone would go crazy from that.” She pointed at the console. “I mean, look at it!”
Shadow hurried over to look, then froze. “Meep,” she whispered quietly. Manx watched her grimly.
“I know. It’s horrible.” She slid a knife out of its sheath and lightly tested its sharpness with her palm. “Fear not, Canon, for the Sue shall die,” she hissed. “Make no mistake about that.”
“Okaaaaaay…” Shadow was beginning to doubt that Manx, as sane as she had seemed at the beginning, was truly normal.
“Alright. We go as Slytherin students. I think third or fourth year should be playing it safe, right?” Manx hurried over to the console and tapped away at the keyboard. “Okay. Shadow, you got all your equipment?”
“Yeah. Wands, portal generator, CAD, disguise generator, sunglasses, laptops, and lots of Bleeprin. Oh, and some new stuff I picked up from Makes-Things that I want to try out.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
Slinging their backpacks over their shoulders, the agents headed off into their first mission.
There was nothing around them. Literally nothing. Though the agents could see each other, and they seemed to be standing on something, there was no hint of walls or a ceiling. Altogether, it was very painful on the eyes.
The partners winced in unison, dropping their sunglasses over their eyes. “Ow, ow, ow,” muttered Shadow. Manx nodded in assent.
Suddenly, a loud voice boomed out all around them.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Rowling or Harry potter, but I!DO! Own Mârimtudâda (A/N: Isn’t it a wonder-full name? I wish my parrots named me that and I got that by putting my name into a ME name generator. But Harry rocks more! I Love HARRY POTTER HE IS SO HOTT)
Manx and Shadow dropped to the … well … what passed for the ground, covering their ears as the author bellowed out her undying love for Harry Potter. Yanking off her backpack, Shadow rummaged through, finally flinging a pair of earmuffs at her partner. Manx shoved them over her ears as Shadow did the same. In the silence, Manx pulled her laptop from her backpack and opened the Words page. She stared at the first chapter as the rest of the author’s note boomed around her unhearing ears.
Oh yeah and also Rowling own Harry (A/N: I WISH I owned him! Mwaha!) And J. J.R Token owns all of Middle earth (A/N: But if he didn’t then I would take HARRY! to ME and have secks with him and wed have BABIES together!)
“Oh, bloody hell,” muttered Manx, as an Author-Mini popped into existence, followed closely by Hogwrats, the mini from the title. Shadow ran to greet them as Manx read on. The author continued for some time, believing for some reason that sex should be spelled “secks” to protect “little kiddies” and make this story “g-rate”. Charge: patronizing children, Manx thought. She slipped her earmuffs off and motioned for Shadow to do the same, after distracting her from playing with the minis long enough to gain her attention. The nothingness of the Author’s Note did not vanish, though, with the advent of the actual story, and remained almost the same save for three blurry figures, the Sue, her mother, and a fairy.
Chapter 1: Mârimtudâda Once up on a time their lived a hot! Girl named Mârimtudâda, and she was special because she was born in Middle earth. But she was human and mortal not an elf even though her mom was an elf) so her age was matured in human years. But when she was one, and a fairy came to Give her mother the prophesy of her life, she said to her (that was the prophesies)
"She will grow up dutiful and fall in love with a prince who is destined to defeat the DARK LORD and when she does they will congeal and become 1 and then she will defeat the DARK LORD!"
A figure looking vaguely like an elf but with a blurred-out face, due to the Words not stating who it actually was, was standing in the middle of the nothingness, holding a baby but besides that not doing anything. An undescribed “fairy” was standing near them, giving the unknown elf a “prophecy”.
“Aaagh,” muttered Manx. “Charge: using species uncanonical to Middle-Earth.” Shadow was already typing, having written up a list of several charges by now. “And… congeal? So the Sue and her Twoo Wuv melt together? Odd.”
So her mother was worry and she said "she will not be safe here! And I am afraid that when she goes to defeat the DARK LORD then she will die and I will lose my only daughter!'
“We’re not worried, Unknown Elf. We want her to die,” hissed Shadow. “Diediediediedie. Kiiiiiilll.” Manx looked at her, eyebrows raised. “Sorry,” muttered Shadow.
Because the mom was worried that Mârimtudâda her daughter would be killed. So because the mother Was not very smart and she thought that the DARK LORD was SARON (Thanx to prophet song for pointing that out!) since she lived in Middle earth but really the prophesy was talking about the magic world, really it was VOLDERMORT and so she said
"hey I will send her to another planet, another world another time and she will be safe!" so she (the mom) cast a magic flying spell and sent 3-year old Mârimtudâda to Earth, next to Hogwarts, the school of Magic and Sorcery.
“Oh, trak’a,” hissed Manx, as three more Mini-Balrogs appeared out of nowhere and ran to Shadow. “Who’s a cutie widdle mini? Who’s da cutest widdle Balrog?” cooed Shadow as the minis sat down next to her.
“Shadow, could you pass your laptop here? I want to stick in a few more charges.” Shadow wrenched herself away from playing with the minis, two flaming demons and the other a giant spider, and slid the laptop over. Manx tapped at the keyboard. “Causing…elves…to…have…un…canonical…powers…dissing…the…elvish…race…” she whispered as the words appeared on the screen.
And the way the magic worked was that her mother seed “Openius portalius touis hogwratarius” and a blue portly open it was a round blue portal and Mârimtudâda step in and disappeared. Actively her mom push her in because she was only 1 and could not wok, remember?
Manx’s eyes turned red.
“Oh, damn,” muttered Shadow, edging away from the furious agent. Her partner’s hand was moving towards her wand, and she was afraid that the raging Manx would kill the Sue before she had even begun to charge her. Fortunately, it never happened, because the author’s voice boomed out around them, forcing them to stick their fingers in their ears. Again.
Tudy (her mom, Gladladriel caller her that)(A/N-I’m not shore that’s the way you spell her name is it? And I was to lazy to right her real name so I’m going to call her Tudy form now on: oh, and yah, I got a new beta reader and my dad instilled spell check, say Hi to my new beta reader thanks!)
“What? He installed spellcheck? THEN WHY DON’T YOU USE IT, YOU MISERABLE CHUNK OF MERDE?! AND GALADRIEL IS NOT! BLOODY! SPELLED! LIKE! THAAAAT! VA TE FAIR FOUTRE! DU ARSCHLOCH, YOU-”
Shadow leaped upon Manx, the newly created Mini-Balrog Gladladriel assisting her in forcibly restraining the furious agent. “Manx! Manx! You can kill her, okay?” Shadow whispered frantically. “Just after you charge her! Not now! PLEEEASE!! And be quiet, the Sue might hear us!” Shadow was afraid she would have to knock out her partner when Manx looked over her shoulder and, of all things, started to laugh hysterically. Shadow turned and followed her partner’s pointing finger, as the Words flowed around them.
Anyway, she was in her neighborhood working a round the block and her 18 year old chocolate hare swept around her when suddenly she saw HIM.
Shadow gaped at the sight. True to the words, a chocolate hare was sweeping methodically around the Sue’s feet, rather like an Easter bunny. Manx pushed herself onto her elbows, still pointing and giggling. “Oh, Eru…this is just too funny…”
Shadow blinked as she remembered something and reread the Words. “Wait, what? She’s eighteen and this is before she got her Hogwarts letter? Okay, the grammatical phrasing seems to be saying her hare is eighteen, but the author probably doesn’t know that…Okay, charge?”
Manx handed Shadow the laptop, still shaking with mirth, when she stopped laughing suddenly. “You know, I’m hungry.”
Rimtu (her dad called her that but I won’t tell you who he is yet because it mite be important later) looked at HIM with her dutiful gray/green eyes like the
see. HE was the most hansom boy ever! HE had an unrulier black hare and eyes that looked like she was drowning in wells.
“Another rabbit? Oh, god…” Yet another “hare” had appeared in the story, this time on the head of the “mysterious” HIM. Though the agents knew it was Harry, the words had not stated it yet, and the features on his face were blurry, save for his eyes. The Words governing the story had made “HIS” eyes appear to be paintings of the Sue drowning in a deep well. The Sue, as well, had changed from a badly-described blurry figure into a badly-described blurry figure with “dutiful gray/green eyes”.
“And she’s just made Galadriel commit incest,” Shadow sighed. “Regardless of the fact that elves cannot commit incest. Alright, maybe the father is Celeborn, but since most Suethors don’t pay much attention to him besides making him a L.O., the Sue won’t be his daughter. Which is good, because I don’t think he could have stood the shame. Charge?”
“Right on it. The pictures on Harry’s eyes are nice, you have to say. Pity we can’t salvage them.”
“They’ll disappear in a few minutes. And why is this so–called ‘author’ trying to build up ‘tension’ by not saying Harry Potter’s name? Everyone knows this Sue is after him.”
“Yeah. Charge, then. Say, can we at least shoot the rabbit on Harry’s head?”
“No. And what would you do with it? We can’t really cook it, and besides, I don’t want rabbit.”
“I just want something to shred. This pathetic excuse for a story is starting to fry my brain. Oh, look, the chapter’s ending.” Manx pointed at the Words on the laptop, then plucked something from a pile of dark brown shards around her. Among the pile were some pieces that looked suspiciously like paws, a nose, and … long ears?
“Want some more chocolate?” she asked.
"Hello" He said. "My name is Harry (A/N-OMG he is so HOTT in the move!) Who are you?"
Because the author’s note in parentheses was also inside the quotes, Harry ended up saying it as well. Shadow sniggered as the CAD beeped. Harry James Potter. Canon. Male. Out of Character 74.73 %.
Shadow looked at the device in Manx’s hand and blinked. “Wow. Only one sentence of dialogue and he’s almost completely OOC?”
“Only the first, Shadow, only the first…”
“Meep.” Shadow curled up into a ball on the ground.
With an author’s note screaming “PLEASE REVUE, FOR ME!” the chapter ended, and the world dissolved back into the pre-story nothingness again.
She thot about it fro a while. All she remembered was a blew lite and that Gladladriel called her an elf.
“Wait, what? What? Excuse me? What the hell is going on?” Manx stared at the Words. “First off, author – don't just split one chapter into two and call them separate. It just doesn’t work. Second, please, PLEASE proofread and spellcheck. I might have actually kept the majority of my brain cells if you’d just –”
“Manx. Stop. Don’t apply logic, it just makes it worse.” Shadow uncurled herself from the fetal position and glared at her partner.
Manx sighed. “Yeah, but … it’s just in my nature to point out mistakes and how to correct them. You know, Grammar-Nazi-ism. Anyway, oh, look! The Sue is giving an Angsty Past story. Wonderful.”
After that she woke up, crying, because she was in a strange place and strange people were bending over her Ina strange way. “what's going on/” she mumbled not very clearly because after all she WAS one year old.
“Yes, she WAS one year old. That means she can’t really talk apart from very small baby words! Not ‘what’s going on/’!! That’s impossible!” Manx screeched.
“Charge?” Shadow asked.
“Yeah. This is an incredibly stupid story. Oh, look, more undefined figures. Bending over ‘Marimtudada’ in a ‘strange way’. How can you bend over someone in a strange way? Charge.”
“we are your Parents now. Mârimtudâda. We are orthodontists and this is your sister Hermoine.” A girl with Bushy brown hare and brasses smiled and waved. She was also three.
“What? These are Hermione's parents? Excuse me? And they aren’t finding anything odd about a girl appearing out of nowhere and talking at only one year old? And, oh, look, perfect. Another mini. And Hermione has a ‘bushy brown hare’ and ‘brasses’. How does that work out?” The canon was obviously just as puzzled as Manx, compromising by having Hermione hold a brown rabbit in one hand that looked as though it was a hedge clipped into shape by a gardener, and a lump of brass in the other. “And the Words say the Sue was one? And Hermione was also three? God. Put down ‘changing your own age’ as a charge.”
Rimtu wined because she just found out her parents were dead. “what? My parent are did?” she Hermoine asked. But they just smiled and shook there heads. “we don't know, marimtu darling” they said. “but now your gonna live with us!YAY!”
“Riiiiiight.” Manx stared at the scene taking place before her. “This cannot be happening. I cannot believe a Sue is coming to live at the house of my childhood idol. How did she find out her parents were dead, anyway? No one talked to her, no one showed her, they didn’t die right in front of her…How is this happening? There is so much wrong with that sentence it’s practically a charge in itself. This whole chapter is a charge. This whole freaking story is a bloody charge. And –”
“Manx? Shut up. Is anything going to happen soon? I’m bored.”
As a matter of fact, something did happen. However, it jolted Shadow from being bored to being shoved a little further back in the land of insanity.
She grow up with them but her stepparent were really mean. They looked her up most of th time unless they torture her. When she and Hermoine got older, they worked at seven eleven and made slurpees.
Hermoine loved slurpees. But she was creepy becuzz she like braces so Tudy hated her because she had braces and hated braces so when her parents tortured her she yelled “i hate braces!”
Manx seized the hem of her robes, ripped off a long strip, and started mincing it with her teeth and nails. Between rips, Shadow heard her snarl, “Stupid – Sue – Hermione's – parents – aren’t – mean – or – abusing – curse – you – to – the – seventh – circle – of – hell – reserved – especially – for – Sues – like – you – and – Hermione – doesn't – bloody – have – braces – and – you – can’t – not – like – someone – because – they – freakin’ – have – BRACES!!!” She finished off the last tiny shred of fabric with one quick slice and flung away the tiny fibers of black cloth. As Manx prepared to launch herself at the Sue, teeth bared and eyes reddened, Shadow heard her growl, “And I’m going to make sure you die slow and hard, with as much pain as I can make, and I’ll stick those braces you hate so much right up your –”
Shadow, and all seven of the currently created minis, jumped on Manx, holding her down with all their might. However, strength and will are not the same as weight, and the Agent was thrashing on the ground, almost freeing an arm, when the mini J.R.R. Token sneaked up behind her and bashed her on the back of the head with a hardback copy of Deathly Hallows. Manx jerked and fell back, momentarily stunned. Shadow propped her up against the backpacks as the author continued to relate more of the Sue’s sob-story.
When she was 4, her mom came up to her and raped her and really hurt her and it TRAMATIZED Tudy yd lot. And her dad beet her with braces because they realy scratch like that time i hit my hand with my mouth and my braces (i don't have them anymore) they scratched my finger realy bad-it was bleeding.
When she was seven her parents took all the kids to the zoo but they left her at home and laftt when they cryed...she was so sad because she loved the yogurt they sold at the zoo and now she wouldn't get any. Her dad was SO mean!
Shadow fought an urge to either go berserk or laugh hysterically and typed up several more charges. “God, people, don’t make rape into some trivial one-sentence plot point that’s barely talked about in the next few chapters! And…oh, dear Eru…”
And now the Hottest boy on earth and mid el earth was in seven eleven. But how cud she tell him all this if he was mortal becuz she was a elf and she would live for a longer time?
“Didn’t she just say that she was mortal? Alright, charge…changing your own species…” Shadow absentmindedly huggled the mini-Balrog, mid el earth, that had just appeared.
Marimtudada thot about whether she should tell the hansom black brown hare she looked at it close it had pieces brown and even some blond he was so CUTE! She wondered if she shooed tell the beautiful boy she changed her mind. Yes, I'll tell him, she thot and thot.
She began to tell her story to the black hared with sparkling eyes boy. This is what she said:
Shadow was very, very glad Manx was still dazed from the knock on her head because she was sure her partner would have leaped up right then and done unspeakable things to the Sue, no matter how many books bounced off the back of her head. In the space of one moment, Harry was holding a rabbit with black, brown, and blond fur, and his eyes had little glints of light reflecting off them at random moments. The inner kleptomaniac in Shadow’s insane soul went whoopee and clicked its heels. Ooh…shiny… she thought.
My name is Marimtudada but I'm also called Tudy and other stuff. When I came here All i misremembered was a blew lite and that Gladladriel my mom called me a elf.
It occurred to Shadow that her own voice seemed to have an echo, but that thought was banished by pure rage pouring through her body. “How DARE she?! She’s – she’s – just pointlessly repeating the same thing over and over again!!! PLEASE, oh mighty GreyLadyBast, please give us the strength not to slay this Sue before we charge her, please, please, please…” Behind her, she heard a low mantra being repeated over and over again. “Oh great Jay and Acacia, creators of the almighty PPC, give me the power to give this Sue a long and painful death after I charge her… I will protect Canon. But only after I have completed the charge list and charged the 'Sue shall I kill her. Grant me strength, Mighty Tolkien, that I may destroy this abomination of your most holy work. Pleeeeeease…”
Manx had apparently recovered from J.R.R. Token’s whack on her head, because she was now on her knees, praying to all the canon authors she could think of, as well as some minor gods and deities of the Real World and canonical fanverses, not to mention fervent praying to GreyLadyBast. Shadow stared at her, wondering if head trauma had addled her partner’s brains. Ah, well, she thought, turning to the portal generator to send them ahead of this pointless repetition, at least she’s not actively trying to kill stuff anymore. She picked up the backpacks, tapped Manx on the shoulder to distract her from her constant praying, and stepped through the portal, the minis following in her wake like ducklings following their mother. In a way, it was. Except with a more PG-13 rating.
I APRESHYATE IT A LOT WEN YOU REVUE, REALLY SO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE REVUE AS WELL!
BUT NO FLAMES CUZ THEY MAIK ME SAD AND ALSO PLEASE DO NOT REPROT ME CAUSE THEN FF TAKE ME STORY DOWN AND IT MAKS ME REAL SAD! AND THEN I HAVE TO POST IT AGEN BECUZ YOU PEEPLE ARE SO MEEN!
“Aaaaagh,” groaned Shadow, almost deafened from the loud author’s note. “Calling con-crit “meen” – charge. Putting things in ALL CAPS – charge. Gak. You know, I’m going to be really glad when this story’s over and we can just kill the Sue.”
“Owww, my head,” mumbled Manx. “Jeez, J.R.R. Token, next time I go berserk, just try to hold me down, okay? Don’t jump me with Deathly Hallows.”
“That was what we were trying, Manx. You’re pretty strong for a four foot ten teenage girl. How old are you, anyway?”
“Somewhere between five and sixteen billion,” Manx replied vaguely. “Hey, look! She’s getting her letter! And she’s eighteen! What’s wrong with this story?”
“Well, everything,” said Shadow. She absentmindedly gulped down some Bleepka.
With stamps on them they were weird letters with letters on the stamp. it was a clay stamp and the letters were H and OGWRATS after that. It spelled Hogwrats!
“No freaking duh,” Shadow snapped. “Jeez, does she have to state the obvious?” Another swallow quickly followed the first gulp of Bleepka down.
Mârimtudâda opened her letter and took it out... it said...
“That she was a disgusting Sue that ought to be killed?” Manx said hopefully.
“Manx. Stop it. This is not an MST.”
“I know, I know…but I don’t care. Besides, it’s fun. Anyway, weren’t you just inserting a riff in between the lines a few seconds ago?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Shadow sighed. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t – oh dear Eru.”
“What is it?” Manx looked over Shadow’s shoulder at the scene before them. “Ohmygod. GreyLadyBast, help me.”
Welcome Tudy to Hogwrats! You were excepted today to learn here! You need a few things first! Here is the list:
A big caldron pot
Too books of spells and magic and 1 about defends against the dark art
A pet to carry letters like a owl or toed or dragon or snake
You also need stuff like capes to ware because magic people ware them not real clothes
And a big black pointed hat
And you should probably get paper and pens to write on
And a lot of feather to teach them to fly with magic!
Thank you. See you in September.
Oh Yah PS we have a new teacher for defends his name is Bil and he is a genius in physic.
With a lot of love!
PS oh and also yah you mite want to by a broom a Numbuss Two Thousand so you can play kwidich at school!
END OF LETTR
Four minis trotted out of the story and hurried towards Shadow. “Oh, man,” she said, counting the mini-Balrogs and Aragogs clustered around her feet. “Eleven already…”
“There’s more coming.” Manx said, turning from bashing her head against the wall of the Seven Eleven to look down at the story page on the laptop. “There’s at least – oh dear Eru – forty or fifty coming in.”
“Sheesh.” Shadow peered over her partner’s shoulder. “Hey, before we kill the Sue, could I run ahead through a portal and get all the minis from the next few chapters? Just to keep them safe in one spot. Take care of the ones appearing in a few minutes.”
“Alright, I don’t know if ‘safe’ is the right word, since I’m not that good with minis, but…agh. She gets a Cute Animal Friend in the next chapter. And another at about the eighth chapter. Jeez. When you come back, take over the charges for a while, okay? I’m going to kill those stupid CAF’s.”
“Alright.” Shadow opened a portal and stepped through, bringing the machine with her. “Bye!” she shouted, then the portal shut. Manx lay back on the backpacks, swigged presumably non-alcoholic Bleepka, ignored the various unknown objects jabbing into her back, and watched the Words. The Sue was now talking to Harry pointlessly about various angsty stuff, creating a few more minis in the process. The “plot” went on as usual, involving Harry carting the Sue off to Diagon Alley, or as he said, Diagonaly, and buying a new wand for some ridiculous reason (‘the teachers take it a way during the summer so dememters don’t com ‘Oh dememters they attract to magic wond right yah?’ sed Rimtu...). As Manx watched the Sue receiving a pink wand with sparkles, while Harry forgot Ollivander’s name and bought a new wand to replace his perfectly fine canonical wand, she noticed something about the wand he was buying and snerked. Bleepka sprayed everywhere, as Manx fell on the floor of Ollivander’s shop, sputtering with laughter. At this point, a portal opened right next to Manx and her partner stepped through, followed closely by many minis. Shadow wiped her forehead, which was covered in sweat.
“Well, that’s done and over with – Why are you laughing like that?”
Manx pointed, still giggling. Shadow took one look and turned her head, covering her eyes. “OhdearErupleasemakeitstop,” she whimpered. “That – that – that’s got to be the worst color I’ve EVER seen in any fic!! Even URPLE!!” Manx was laughing too hard to even reply.
The author had just described Harry’s new wand as being “midnite green”. The canon was apparently as confused as the agents were, because the wand in Harry’s hand was alternately shifting between green and black, when the canon finally settled on a black-and-green mix that was almost as eye-burning as urple or wilver. Shadow groaned and looked up at the fic again, pointedly averting her eyes from the new wand. “Jeez, what is it with this person? She rapes canon, destroys our favorite characters, and to top it off she makes up colors! Can it get worse?” (Somewhere above, the ones who enforce the Laws of Narrative Comedy took note.)
“Yes,” snapped Manx. “It’s a Suefic, of course it’s going to get worse.”
“Well, at least this doesn’t have any smut in it.” (Somewhere above, the enforcers of the Laws of Narrative Comedy leaped up and down, squeeing.)
Suddenly Manx froze, pointing a finger at the Words. “What?” Shadow asked. She looked over her partner’s shoulder.
Harry laffed andTudy laffed.
It was tru luv.
The two were speechless. Then, finally, Manx looked at her partner. Shadow looked back at her, a faint expression of horror growing on her face.
“Do you want to say it?” she asked.
“We’ll say it together,” Manx replied.
The agents took a deep breath and then shouted.
On that note, the chapter ended, shifting into chapter four.
Harry and Tudy went to the owl shop next and got her an awl which Marimtu named NOLAEL it was pretty midnite brown and black and a little white to. Then they went to get her a broom because she needed a fire blot.
Manx and Shadow snerked almost in unison. True to the Words, the Sue’s pet wasn’t even an owl, it was an awl. That meant it was now sharp and pointy, and colored in a sickening blend of “midnite brown”, black, and white. It shifted back into an owl after a few seconds. Manx grinned, holding up her wand. “I really, really, really want to kill that,” she whispered.
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Shadow replied. “The Sue pretty much forgets about it for the rest of the story, so you can kill it now.”
“Avada Kedavra!” Manx hissed. A jet of green light shot out of her wand and struck the owl Nolael. The CAF keeled over, dead. “Yay!” she whispered, and as the Sue passed them, snagged the owl from her hands, as no cage had been described. “I’ve always wanted to get one of these!”
“What are you going to do with it, stuff it?” Shadow asked.
“No.” Manx smirked, turning away from her partner to stick the CAF into her backpack. “I’ve got an even better idea…”
When they got to the store she was sad because all the fire blots were sold! So she went to the owner who said nope! no more fire blots sorry!" and Marim started crying because she real wanted 1
Yet another mini rushed out of the story, joining its fellows. Shadow huggled it as it snuggled up to the insane agent. “Hi, you sweetie cutie pie,” she cooed. Manx turned away, focusing on the Words and typing up several more charges.
Then Ron came in. He was shorter then Tudy and his hair was spiky and long! He was eating a HUGE cheese burger.
"HI Ron!" said Harry and marimtudada said "Oh hi, my name is Marimtudada but its long so you can call me nickname if you want! What are you doing?"
"oh I’m going to by myself a Fire Blot. Actually I just gone one, see?'
"Cool" sadi Marimtu. She decides she don’t like ron because cheese burgers make you fat, just like Ron can.
“Okay.” Manx closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “Alright. I must not slay. Must not slay. Must not slay…Oh, scheisse! I can’t stand this anymore! This Sue is so…so utterly disgusting I think I’m going to puke! There are so many things wrong with this bloody story it’s completely pissing me off! Oh, damn…”
Harry looked at her with a weird expression in his eye. :Why are you look at Ron that way Rn is my best friend Ron is nice when you get to no him!"
Marimtudada smiles but inside she think, 'Ron is DUMB.'
“Ron is NOT – fucking – dumb!!” Manx screamed. She picked up a backpack, emptied out the contents, and started punching it as hard as she could. The mini-Aragog that had just appeared squeaked in fright and ran to hide behind Shadow. Pummeling the backpack, Manx hissed, “And he’s not rich enough to get a Firebolt and definitely not fat, and he does not have long, spiky hair! GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, Sue!!”
Fortunately, the agent’s rant was quickly stopped by a very, very, very sudden scene change.
After that ron went to get his ice cream and Tudy and harry went home. In September, just a few days later they went to Hogwrats.
Both agents fell over as the setting changed from Diagon Alley to Hogwarts. “Ow!” Manx yelled as her head smacked against the hard stone floor. “Bloody hell!”
They went on a big metal long train. Harry saw her and smiles.
The scene shifted again to the Hogwarts Express. Manx was now not the only one cursing, as Shadow whacked her head against the wall. They were in an undescribed compartment, with Harry, Ron, and Hermione sitting with glazed eyes on flat gray benches. The Sue then further bastardized the canonical characters by making Ron fat and making him “look creepy at her”.
After the meta train, Harry ron Hermoine all got off because they were going to Hogwrats last year and new what to do but Marimtudada stayed then she also got off.” Whoops!' SHE Said because she made a mistake.
“Hang on, hang on. So … apparently, because the Canons have been to Hogwarts before, they know how to get off a train? That’s just bizarre. Put in ‘being stupid’ as a charge.” Shadow quickly typed up the charge onto a list that had over forty charges already.
Then a really big ugly hairy giant man came out and said in a real ugly strange accent he said...
"'oleo evv ;re'eone;!" and nobody understood him and then he sed "endoesug hoeijw doiejfsxnS vopeijfamdas vpdjfqwmd psj" and that meant "first yeers come here' so Marimtu said 'Oh!'.
Then she and hermoine harry ron went to the ugly dude person.
Manx smashed her head over and over against the Hogwarts Express. After the third whack, Shadow joined her. Finally, Manx staggered back, a large bruise growing above her left eyebrow. “Okay,” she growled. “Shadow, you take over the charges. I’m going to portal ahead and grab those annoying bit-characters that the Sue made to replace Hagrid and the DADA teacher.”
“While you’re there, Manx, could you get that unicorn CAF?” Shadow asked, grinning. “The stuffed head would look good on our wall.” Manx nodded, opening a portal to Chapter Eight, and stepped through to arrive in the Forbidden Forest. She was behind a wide expanse of Generic Space, on which the bit-character stood, with her “long red hares that swept and sway in the breeze”. The unicorn was standing beside Manx in the Forbidden Forest, and neighed, startled, as Manx left the portal. Surprised, it tried to run off, but Manx grabbed it by the mane and hit it with a swift Killing Curse. However, its wild whinnies before death attracted the attention of Vironza, the bit-character, and she hurried over. Before she could do anything, though, Manx snapped “Stupefy!” and Stunned her. Manx opened a portal to her call center, dragging the CAF into the room to skin later. Opening another portal to the DADA room, she sneaked inside, quickly hitting Bil, the other bit-character, with a Stunning Spell as well. Finally, Manx hauled Vironza and Bil through a new portal to the Slytherin girl’s dorm, dropped them by her partner, and then stared. Shadow was laughing hysterically, trying to keep quiet but failing miserably.
“What’s so funny?” Manx asked. Shadow just pointed and collapsed into giggles again. Manx looked out at the story and gaped in astonishment. “Oh. Dear. Eru,” she whispered.
A miniature version of the Sue wandered aimlessly around the larger version’s legs. The author had apparently misspelled her own creation’s name, putting two m’s into the Sue’s long and confusing name. Marimmtudada was now officially the first documented Mini-Sue.
“What do you think we should do with it?” Shadow asked eagerly. “Kill it?”
“No…” Manx smiled in a way that should never be seen on a warm-blooded animal. “Let’s keep it in a tank. Feed it bacon. Just use it to commemorate our first kill.”
“Awesome idea.” Shadow held up her wand. “You want me to grab it now?”
“Yeah.” Shadow hit the Mini-Sue with a Stunning Spell, whispered “Accio Mini-Sue!” and caught the six-inch-tall mini in her hand. The real Sue didn’t notice, original characters normally unaware of minis anyway. Shadow tucked the miniature version of the Sue into an outside pocket in her backpack, picked up her laptop, and stood. “Should we charge that stupid Sue now?”
“What – Oh, yeah. Yes.” Manx smiled quietly. “I shall relish it.”
Grabbing Bil’s collar, she hauled the Sue’s father upright and whispered, “Renervate.” The bit character awoke, shaking his head groggily, but quickly froze as Manx put the full Body-Bind on him. Next to her, Shadow was doing the same to Vironza. The Sue noticed them from across the room. “Wat are you doin!??1?!11! Stop it1” she yelled, pulling out her pink sparkly wand. Manx waited until she was about ten feet away, then hit her point-blank with a Body-Bind. Then she turned to the two bit-characters.
“Bil and Vironza,” she began, “you two are charged with being stupid bit characters only created to replace two teachers at Hogwarts, both of whom we like, thankyouverymuch, being the parents of a Mary-Sue, having really, really stupid names, and being a “genius at physic/frisk”. These entitle you to a slow and painful death.” Manx grinned. “Any last words?” Shadow lifted the Body-Bind.
“wy r u doin this –” Bil began.
Shadow gave an evil smile that must have been practiced in front of a mirror for many days. “It’s our job. Minis, up and at ‘em!”
The horde of flaming demons and huge black spiders rushed forward, the last sight the bit-characters would ever see…
Manx and Shadow both smiled grimly as the two screamed in agony. Finally, Bil and Vironza exploded in a poof of pink sparkly glitter. The agents turned to the main Sue, propped up against the wall. “Want to charge her first?” Shadow asked. Manx nodded. Stepping forward, laptop in hand, she read out the charge list.
“Marim – didu – didi - thing, we charge you with being a Mary-Sue, using a Middle-Earth name generator for a bizarre character’s name, being patronizing to children, creating Mini-Balrogs and Aragogs, mangling the English language beyond recognition –”
Manx stopped for a moment, bent down, placed the laptop on the ground, grabbed the Sue by the neck, and shook her hard, snarling “Thou shalt NOT EVER destroy English! Thou hast SPELLCHECK! Thou hast just SAID SO!” and then began anew, standing up. “We also charge you with completely disregarding both Middle-Earth and Harry Potter canon, using Sue-Elvish, with making Elves display uncanonical powers, with mangling Elvish genetics, with dissing the elvish race, with being horribly vague and undescriptive, with using uncanonical species, and with making Elves use modern slang.” She paused for breath, and kicked the frozen Sue hard in the ribs. “That’s for the honor of the elves!” she shouted, and plunged back in again.
“You are also charged with installing author’s notes in the middle of the story, with trying to create suspense and failing miserably, with being able to talk at only one year old, with suddenly changing your age, with making people do undefined “strange things”, with making Hermione’s parents abusive AFTER they’d just been happy you had arrived, with disliking people for ridiculous reasons, with making EVERYONE disgustingly out-of-character, with making people beat you with braces, with making rape into a trivial plot point for wangst –”
At this point, Shadow knelt down, lifted up the Sue, and punched her hard on the jaw. “Do. Not. Make. Rape. Trivialized,” she intoned, and stepped back.
“–with repeating entire paragraphs pointlessly, with making Galadriel commit adultery –” Again, Manx stopped, and kicked the Sue hard, this time on the stomach– “–and with making Harry cry for a girl he’s only known for five seconds.” Manx handed over the laptop to her partner. “Shadow, I believe it is your turn,” she said, smiling. The Asian agent stepped forward, unsmiling and grim.
“Marithingamabobber, you are also charged with calling con-crit “meen”, with putting things in ALL CAPS, with being redundant, with stating the obvious, with creating pointless bit-characters to replace the teachers you don’t like –”
Manx knelt down and all-out screamed in the Sue’s ear. “HAGRID – IS – NOT – BLOODY – STUPID!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD!!!”
Shadow continued. “–with making horrible “rhymes”, with making a person from Los Angeles go to Hogwarts, in England, with making it possible to walk from Los Angeles to London, with forgetting character’s names, with making Ollivander create uncanonical wands –” Here Manx grabbed the Sue’s wand from her hand and snapped it in one quick motion, then tossed aside the halves. “–with creating colors, with creating nausea-inducing Twoo Wuv, with having and neglecting TWO Cute Animal Friends–”
Manx grabbed the Portal Generator and opened a portal into their call center, seized the unicorn by the horn, and hauled it out, shaking its head in front of the Sue’s horrified eyes. Then she zipped open her backpack and yanked out the owl, dangling it before the Sue’s face. “You know, I’m normally against killing CAF’s, as long as they aren’t like unicorns, but if they’re horribly written, forget it! You forgot this stupid owl for six freaking chapters! What is wrong with you?!” she hissed.
“–with making Ron rich, with making Ron fat, with being INCREDIBLY moronic, with making Hagrid “stupid” and making him incomprehensible, with dissing Slytherin House, with dissing Hermione, with making Dumbledore act stupid, with misspelling your OWN name and hereby creating a Mini-Sue, with making up uncanonical creatures, with switching your house in Hogwarts for some bizarre reason, with changing your race, and last but not least, supremely pissing off PPC agents! We now sentence you to a disgusting and horrible death.” Shadow snapped the laptop shut and grinned. “Manx – portal to you-know-where.” Shadow’s partner smiled, opening a portal behind which growls issued. The Sue turned pale.
The two agents grabbed the Sue, each one holding up one end, and carried her through the portal. “Yoo-hoo! Fluffy!” Manx called, grinning immensely. “We got some foooood for you!”
The enormous three-headed dog growled and snuffled at the air. His eyes brightened. All canonical creatures held an inner grudge against Mary-Sues, and Fluffy was no exception. He was a homicidal maniac anyway, so what was really the difference? Shadow smiled. “Ready?” she asked. Manx nodded, and they each swung their end of the Sue backwards.
“And a-one, and a-two, and a-threee…” The Sue went sailing through the air. Fluffy’s right head whipped down and snatched the rigid body from the jaws of its middle brother. Soon, a fight broke out as the three heads fought over the still-Body-Bound Sue. Though the enchantment forced her to be unmoving, the Agents could almost feel the screams. Manx grinned. Shadow winced and mimed throwing up.
Finally, the Sue was little more than chunks of flesh and bone in the three-headed dog’s stomach, and some pink sparkly bloodstains on the walls. Shadow cleaned the walls with a quick “Scourgify!” as canon snapped back into shape. Hastily opening another portal to HQ, in case Fluffy felt hungry again, Manx gathered up all their equipment and tossed it through. Behind her she heard Shadow trying to convince the minis to find their way to their respective Fanfiction Universities, as Manx dragged out the unicorn and dumped it in the mini’s midst. “Okay, minis,” she said. “You can eat this CAF –” she drew a knife from her belt and sliced a long line lengthwise down the center of its stomach “– but only if you promise not to tear the skin and if you go to your Universities afterwards.” The minis hesitated. Manx sighed. “Look,” she said, running into her call center and pressing some buttons on the food replicator, “I’ll throw some raw eggs into the bargain…”
The minis rushed forward and began devouring the unicorn. Shadow tossed two dozen of the raw eggs into the fray and carefully stepped out of egg-and-blood splatter range. Manx turned to her. “I think I’m going to go into the call center and start skinning the owl. When the minis are done, just drag the CAF in here.” She walked into the room, shut the portal, and pulled the owl out of her backpack. Manx started to skin it inexpertly, occasionally glancing at the laptop where she had opened an online guide to taxidermy. After about twenty minutes, the portal opened again and Shadow staggered through, hauling a heavy unicorn pelt over her shoulder. The skull and bones had apparently been left intact, though the horn was slightly chipped. “Manx?” she asked urgently.
“Mmm-hmm,” her partner replied, still skinning the owl.
“Manx! Help! I think my spine’s about to collapse!”
“MANX! HELP ME ALREADY!!”
“Mmm-hmm… What? Oh. Okay.” Manx stood up and hefted the unicorn’s front legs over her shoulder and dragged it towards the wall. “Help hang it up, Shadow.”
Between them, they pinned the CAF by its hooves in a spread-eagled position on the wall. Manx stepped back, surveying the pelt critically. Blood oozed down the walls from the unicorn hide. “You know, it looks really good. Let’s leave it up to dry, and then maybe replace the eyes with glass once they start to rot…” She turned to see Shadow snatching her knife off of the couch, then dragging a chair over to the unicorn pelt. “What are you doing?”
Shadow started digging at the Cute Animal Friend’s skull. “I’m – rrgh – trying – gah – to get this – urk – horn out!” She finally managed to file away most of the bone holding the horn in place and started to saw at the horn proper.
Manx wrinkled her eyebrows. “Why would you want to have the horn?”
“Why would you want to skin an owl?”
Manx frowned. “I’m making a hat.”
Shadow stopped filing at the horn. “A hat?”
“What? You have to admit it’s a good idea!”
“Well, yeah, sort of … but a detachable unicorn horn is useful. You could wave it around threateningly and attempt to stab people with it.” Shadow waved the knife around, nearly taking off her own nose, and resumed hacking at the horn.
Manx sighed, and returned to her skinning of the owl. Yes, a hat, she thought. Cut off the legs, the chest, and maybe put marbles for eyes…She smiled, and chugged a new bottle of Bleepka. Perfect.
About an hour later, Agent X walked down the hall. A veteran of PPC HQ, and on of the most homicidal agents alive, she turned her thoughts away from getting to the new agent’s call center and instead hummed “The Battle of the Pelennor Fields”, focusing her whole mind into getting the notes right. In no time, she’d arrived in front of a door behind which loud singing erupted.
“–with a giraffe if you stand on a stool, but the hedgehog–”
Agent X pushed open the door.
Two girls danced around the room. One, short with brownish-blond hair, seemed to be wearing an owl on her head, and the other waved around a large unicorn horn, her boyishly short black hair whirling around her head. The shorter agent was holding a near-empty bottle of Bleepka in her hand, and the taller, Asian one held a copy of The Children of Húrin, which she occasionally whacked over her own head. Both were singing the Hedgehog Song at the top of their lungs.
“–as a friend to the children, commend me the Yak–”
Agent X loudly cleared her throat. The agents stopped dancing and yelling and turned to her.
“So, well…” Agent X wasn’t known for being very socially active, though being able to shred five Sues in less than a minute with the maximum of pain garnered you a lot of attention in HQ. “Hi, Manx, hi, Shadow. How are you?”
Agent Shadow stared at her for a few seconds, and then spoke.
“We are the…the…the…” She turned to Manx for assistance.
“Agents?” she offered.
“Yeah! Agents! Right! I knew that.” Shadow turned back to Agent X.
“We are the agents that say…that say…uh…” Once again, she looked at Manx for guidance.
“WTF?” Manx suggested.
“Yeah! Yeah! WTF!” Shadow said, waving the unicorn horn more frantically now.
“WTF! WTF!” Manx proclaimed, pronouncing it as “wutufuh”, not as the acronym or the saying it was based off of. “WTF!”
“We are the Agents who say…WTF!” And with that, the two were dancing around the room again.
Agent X shook her head. These two, already on their way to true insanity after one fic. Well, she thought, closing the door behind her as she walked out of their room, at least they’ll rid the canon of Sues very efficiently.
And behind her, the two voices were raised in song once more:
“–or make time to a snail if you slow to a crawl,
BUT THE HEDGEHOG CAN NEVER BE BUGGERED AT ALL!!”
A/N: So, that’s it! First sporkage! Reviews? Con-crit? Hell, flames? (I love flames. Perfect to barbeque Sues.) And any suggestions for a next kill? I’d like something either Lord of the Rings of Pirates of the Caribbean. Maybe a Warrior!Sue.
LONG LIVE THE PPC!!
(And a very quick disclaimer. The Hedgehog Song is owned by Terry Pratchett. Some of the verses, however ((the one about the yak)) are owned by Mark A. Mandel.)