--➸ Dear Diary.
➵100511
Litstening to: B2ST - On a rainy day
I don't know who I am anymore. Easily giving up on things, I don't want to continue trying anymore. Why did I become like this? not too long ago I thought my life was going smoothly that God was on my side and that he was laying down the right path for me to walk on. I strongly believed. Where did that faith go? I start the day with tears on my face and I go to sleep with tears on my face... I feel stupid and retarded. I know what kind of advice I give to others that are going through the same problem as I am, but I can never take my own advice. Why is that? My mind is full of unanswered questions. I guess it's not unanswered questions. I know the answers, I'm just in denial.What can I do to make myself feel better? I know human mind is a powerful thing. we can easily 'program' ourselves to think certain ways and respond to certain ways depending on the situations. So why can't I 'program' myself to feel better? I'm just circling around the same area all the time lately. When will I actually take the risk to move out of that circular pattern? I don't know. With all that I was faced with another guy... He basically gave me an ultimatum. I asked for time. I felt like jumping into a dating realm right after I 'kinda broke up' with my ex was just too much. I needed some time to process and actually 'mend' things in my heart. But when I asked for that time.... he said if I decide to take the 'time' he'll move on and that he's not going to even consider dating me at all in the future. Is it too much to ask for a time? it wasn't even like a year.. I just wanted some time for myself for 2 months... I felt like I never had the opportunity to actually accept my "single-ness" before. Right when I got to college, I had paul, when I broke up with paul, I had andy, when I broke up with andy, I had sean. I just... needed some time to actually embrace my status as a 'single' and really trying to love myself. Is it really worth going for a guy that puts you in the spot and makes you choose? I don't know. I don't like the feeling. I had so much freedom when I was with Andy, but this new relationship seems like a constant stress to me. I need some time to breathe and think things through. I've been talking to other people about this, and in the end, they all said the same thing "If that person really cares for you, they would not give you an ultimatum." I don't know what to do anymore. Right when I thought my life was going somewhere I'm slapped on the face with reality. F.
➵092811
Sad to say that the relationship I had with Andy is completely over. We both decided to move on from whatever we had I guess. It's just funny to me how much I was able to love this person. I was approached by central/tacoma church kids asking me why I decided to go out with him? and that I stuck with him all this time. I gave it a thought. My answer was unsure. Why was it? Because I didn't have anyone? Because I wanted a boyfriend? Because I wanted to feel like somebody? Because I wanted to be loved? sure, all of that answers may be true. I wish it weren't the case, but it's the truth. There's no need to deny it I guess. But more importantly I saw something in him that attracted me to him. Other people might not see Andy as a guy that they would like to get to know/date due to his attitudes towards people, his views on things and his stubbornness, but What I saw was someone that actually was really sweet and caring. (He may not show it the way that most people can see) Yes, he was sweet and he cared a lot about me. (hopefully he thinks that too -_-) Overall, I wouldn't trade my last 2 years with anything else in this world. He was the most important person in my life (other than my family and God), he may not agree with me but for me at least, Andy was my number one guy in my life. I can honestly say I loved this person. Even as of right now, I can lay my life for this person. I just want to thank God for giving him to me. And I hope that God can show and lead him to a great girl that he can cherish and care just like how he did with me. :) I will always love you Andy. -- From Your friend. <3
➵070311
Listening to: Laura story- Blessings
I thought I had reached rock bottom last time, but apparently it wasn't true. NOW I've reached rock bottom. Jobless, boyfriend-less, best-friendless. Andy said he wanted to spend the Sunday to have a long talk. So I requested it off, but when corporate saw it, they thought it was unreasonable to request the day off. So they decided to cut me off. But I can't really tell Andy that it was because of that reason. well, I guess I could tell him, but I don't want him to feel guilty or anything (on a second thought, I don't think he'll even feel guilty about it. I don't think he cares period.) I've been watching bridesmaid the movie almost every day. I don't know I can really connect with the main character in the movie. She seems to be portraying my life exactly. Well I haven't met a cop and fell in love with him, but til that point where she loses her job due to her relationship issues, friendless because of relationship issues etc. Just everything about that movie til the second Act is definitely the story of my life. Second movie that I've been obsessing over is the "he's just not that into you." Wow, I never thought I would enjoy romance comedy this much, but now I do. Why is that? I know watching movie and being drawn into a movie can be a horrible thing. I may be living in a fantasy world if I keep this up. But what can I say, watching movie is my drug to my chaotic life right now.
My mother's leaving to Korea at the end of the month. I'm so glad she is leaving from this stressful life. At least for a month, it'll give her the time to rejuvenate. I know I haven't been at home in federal way a lot to pin point every inky detail of their lives. but I really don't like my stepfather right now. He is not doing anything in the house, my mother is almost at her death bed and he is giving her more stress than ever because she's not doing anything in the house. COME ON. seriously? I pray that I don't end up with a guy like him in the future. I told my mom to pack her belongings before leaving to Korea. I want her to permanently move to Korea. She'll be much happier there. Since my grandmother is also sick, I want my mom to be there for my grandmother. That way, my mom would not live in regret. I want everything to work out for her, but things aren't looking so great. I remember my stepfather threatening my mother saying, if she leaves him, he'll kill her, me and my sister and then he'll kill himself. Who says that? I love Bo dearly, but her father, not so much. I want to reach out to her and talk to her, but I'm afraid. I'm really afraid of what might happen. For now, I must keep quiet of everything. wait for the opportunity to rise and then strike.
speaking of moving, I also should look for place to stay permanently. If my mother leaves to Korea for good, I have to take all of my stuff from my house to where I will be living. But my room right now is too tiny to hold everything. And I think I need a place where there's kitchen and a bathroom. I guess I really have no choice but to look at the Chinatown studios. They're cheap and has everything I guess. First thing's first. I gotta find a job.... When my church members found out that I got laid off, they were all willing to try to help me out. Alex told me to give him the resume so that he could talk to his boss, Hak told me to do the unemployment check, David told me to work for him (for NO MONEY, WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? -_- funny guy) and Tracey told me to apply for Nordstrom for anniversary sales and she'll talk to her old boss about it. Even just those those words were encouraging. I guess that's why you go to Church, aside from believing in God, you develop unbreakable bond amongst people. I can't thank enough for giving those people to me. I know hitting rock bottom should keep me in a downy dumps for quite a bit, but knowing that I've reached the bottom, I'm some-what relieved. because you know what? the only way to go now is... UP. I'll slowly put my shattered life pieces back together. Let it take days, months, years... I'll make it into whole again. Just watch. I don't know where my life's gonna take me, but I'm hoping that I'll end up somewhere in Loma Linda. I used to harbor negative thoughts about Loma Linda University. Maybe because I've heard so many stories of people just saying "I'm going to PUC or La sierra, or Andrews to go to Loma Linda Med." I HATED hearing that. For me, those people were unworthy. but then again, God has weird way of making things work and not work for people. People with passion to help other people will end up succeeding in Med school, I never heard anyone that had a degree that said "I just graduated with whatever I have... " All the people that actually finished had PASSION towards what they did. So what happened to those who went to PUC, La Sierra or Andrews to go to loma linda u? My guess is that they've changed their course. So in the end, those people who graduated from Loma Linda U are very passionate and people loving beings. :) And who doesn't love that?! alright alright. My real reason to go near Loma Linda U is that I wanted to meet someone like George Lee. I had the chance to meet him at our church through pastor Choi. At first I really believed he was this STRICT guy with very conservative thoughts about SDA church. but BOY WAS I WRONG. He was so sweet to his kids, his eyes were filled with love, his stories were miracles from God. His interests in each and every one of us is what amazed me the most. He was so easy to get along, so easy to open up to, so comfortable that made me want to marry someone just like him. (Funny how Tracey and Jeannie thought the EXACT SAME THING) I know God has appointed someone great to be my husband. But I know I have to undergo a lot of transformation myself to meet this guy. I want to devote my life to God, don't question or doubt any of his decisions or his ways. Pray that everything will be ok, Really believing him in spirit and in truth. Yesterday night, I prayed to God that he would give me eyes to see his wonders and ears to hear his voice and his advice. I'm sure that's already being put into action. I may have several heartaches from now on but I know it'll help me get through. In the end, It'll all be worth it. I remember David telling me that "God doesn't give you a task that you can't overcome. He knows that you can do it." and that really stuck to my brain like a freshly chewed gum. I used to have doubts that "I can't do any of this, this is too hard, I wanna give up." etc, but now that I know God's with me in every step, I just gotta reach out to him to guide me step by step. Can I do it? You better believe it.
1 samuel 12:24 says "But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you." He's done so much for me so far. I'm still living with nothing broken (except for my heart. -_- ) Family still healthy, I got two legs and two arms and a perfectly fine brain to work with. I just gotta put faith and effort and I'll be good. I just pray that I can keep this up.
➵061211
Listening to: Sleep - Azure Ray
Great. I've hit rock bottom. Finished spring quarter with B average, lost ex/friend by breaking up with him, best friend-less, lost faith, lost trust in people.. List could go on and on but I shall stop here. It's a bit depressing thinking about all the things that went wrong. So how did I get here in the first place? well, I underestimated the course load and ended up with B average, went back to the guy more than 10+ knowing that he clearly doesn't want to be with me, jealousy broke me and my best friend apart, started to blame God for my misfortunes, dealing with people that hurt me in the end made me loose trust in people. Story of my life.
Lately, I catch myself falling asleep talking to customers, unable to focus on making art portfolio, wandering off somewhere when I wasn't lost to begin with, constantly fighting myself not to fall asleep..... I know this feeling. I've went through it once before. not too long ago. I'm afraid of how I'm going to deal with my new depression this time. Will I succeed in the thing that I couldn't do on my last depression? by succeeding, do I mean, giving up? Thought of my last depression gives me chills. I was just a moving body walking around amongst the living without a soul. Breathing, but not really living. so how do I fix my problems? having hopes/goals seems to be the cause of my misfortunes.. so what do I do? I don't want to have hopes about my life anymore. having hopes made my depression worse. yes, I hoped for everything to work out great between me and my ex'. yes, I hoped that I could live a normal life without any hardships, but no. I tried my best to get accepted by the person, by being involved in church more and with family and school work. but what do I get in the end? "I want someone who's out of college free to do what they want, whereas you're in school and church and family take up so much of your little free time. It's too much work." Ironic, because it's coming from the person that wants to go back to school for Law. When all those reasons contradict each other you KNOW something's up, or at least know that the person's not telling you the whole story. :/ It'll be hard but I gotta respect the other person. Slowly erasing memories of each other; becoming "strangers again"
I honestly don't know what my future is going to be like, I don't know where I'll be, i don't know who I'll be with, I don't know how I'm going to be living. What I do know is that no matter what, that is going to be MY LIFE. I don't want to change for anyone anymore. I'm going to live the way I please. I'm done kissing up to people's ass. I'm done shush-ing secrets just because they're ashamed of it. I'm done being friends with people that will screw my life over.
I don't want to go to church anymore, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to do anything anymore. How long will I be in this slump? only time will tell. When the time is right, I'll get up and face all my problems the way I should, the way an actual christian would. Can't wait til the day I see the light again and my new self.
➵120810
"3 tips on how to forget your ex"
rule number 1:Do Not Demonize Your Ex
One thing that we are all tempted to do is to cast your ex in a bad light, to train yourself to hate them rather than want them back in a reactive exercise to crush any longing and pain by making them seem less desirable and unneeded.
rule number 2: Reevaluate Yourself
One issue with breakup is that of self worth. It does not matter who's fault it was or who left who in the end we all tend to see the relationship as a failure and in turn see ourself as a failure.
rule number 3: 3. Do Not Be Irrational
We all do it at some point, we get very drunk or go out and spend more than we can afford on clothes or food or anything else we enjoy to cover our problems.
unable to focus on my review/studying for finals, I decided to search on some tips that might help me forget some stuff... it seems like when one thing goes wrong, it's followed by another .. and another. I'm just curious to how I will overcome this. it's just too overwhelming right now.... when I read the 3 tips, I thought to myself, whether I did any of these when I broke up with paul. the answer was. yes, but 2/3. for me, I think I IDOLIZED paul not demonize him. lol; by putting paul into a perfect image I had of him, I was unable to move on. and the rule #2, and #3, was just... too hard NOT to do...;lol for andy, I dont' want to demonize him, nor do I feel unworthy because of what happened... for my situation, I couldn't help it, I'm the victim and I'm still the victim. maybe because I tried my hardest to be best for him... I have no regrets. no more "if I have done "FILL IN THE BLANK" maybe we could've stayed together.." I did all my part as a friend, as a girlfriend. It's kinda funny. I accepted his family background just as it were, he comes from scandalous family where his dad ran away and got married to another woman, has a kid... etc while his gossip spread across the county even to korea. even with that I swallowed everything and accepted him just the way he was. I never asked him to do the same, but rather, I assumed he would. see I think my problem is I assume things too much. now that my brother-in-law's incident got to andy, I'm sure he'll tell it everyone around him.... It was a biggest mistake I've ever made. God help me. even with all that... I can't help but to think 'maybe he'll text me.. ' 'or maybe he'll surprise me at my place..' I'm just a big sucker like that. you would think that I learned my lessons by now, but that's just how I cope with things I guess. until reality hits me in the head. HARD. I had hoped too many things from paul's relationship, and now this. sad part is that running away physically doesn't help either since emotions are attached to my mind. -_-; but maybe if I start a new life somewhere, it'll get my mind off of things? I've been looking at places around Glendale California, and Loma Linda area to see how much I have to save up and etc... my next 1~2 years in washington will be hell, but hopefully right after I graduate, I'll have enough money saved up to move to cali right away. I have nothing to look forward to in washington state anymore. everyday I dream of leaving this miserable state. gloomy and rainiy.. not a good combo when you have breakups to mix with. I'm praying everyday to God that my time here will be over soon.
➵120310
listening to: believe - Hillsong
past 2 weeks been very $hitty for me. Excuse me for my language, but once someone listens to my situation they'll understand why my weeks been crappy. it all started when my sister and brother in law came to visit for thanksgiving. I've been receiving a lot of computer science help from my brother in law at that time, so I was mainly talking about school stuff. everything go out of control out of sudden when I first caught him shining his iphone at my face at 3~4 am one morning. I thought it was pretty weird, but never really thought anything bad about it. (I should've.) the second time I just simply heard my door click. which was also at night. (early morning) the third time I didn't really wake up to any sound, but rather, the feeling. I had something wet around my face, and that forced me to wake up from my slumber. when I woke up to check it out I was still half asleep and that I wasn't thinking clearly. I felt something wet, and immediately I thought it was my drool. that morning my mom came into my room to wake me up, and asked me in a surprised voice saying "WHAT IS THAT?" pointing to the side of my face. when I stood up to see what she was pointing at I noticed some dried up white spots around the blankets... immediately I knew what that was. and I also believe my mom had an inkling of what it could be. I didn't DARE to mention that to my sister nor show a sign of something wrong to my brother in law. just when I thought the day couldn't get any weirder. I had a bad feeling about staying at my room in seattle alone with my brother-in-law. I did everything in my power to get out of the room; so I made up some bull-crap saying I can't do computer science anymore for it's too hard for me to handle. blah blah blah. once I got out, I felt like I could breathe again, but that feeling was gone shortly after I got a phone call from my brother in law saying he's coming by to whereever I was to talk. I don't remember a lot about the conversation cuz of what happened that morning.. but one thing I do remember is this, "you're now a woman.. etc.." after that whole conversation has passed, I thought it was over. until one Monday, he called right after I got done with my classes saying he's close to my apartment, and that he needed to talk again. turns out he lied to my mom to get out of the house to come and talk to me. I tried so much to talk outside... but he insisted that we go into my room. I ran out of excuses, so we ended up going into my room. the whole time he was trying to explain something, my brother in law was just really, weird... ESPECIALLY that time he was very out of his mind? kinda state... and he threw me this question. "for me to forget about everything, I need to ask you one thing..." and my heart just DROPPED at that point. I just had a REALLY bad idea about what he was gonna ask... then he said. "can I kiss you?" . WTF. like seriously? right on then, I said NO, and basically showed him out. guy in a right mind would NEVER ask his wife's SISTER whether he could kiss her! on tuesday, I decided to go down to federal way, since my sister was leaving that very night. I prayed to God for him to give me a chance to talk to my sister, but that was never given. instead, I was able to confront my brother in law while my sister was sleeping. I told him what I saw during the night etc. He said sorry serveral times and gave me explanations to his behaviors. his reasons were that he was abused by his relatives as a child, and he has urges to video record people on the metro and do **SOMETHING** with it. he even got into a huge fight with my sister due to the VIDEO that he forgot to delete and my sister happened to come across it. but I just couldn't accept his apology, because you know why? my sister told my mom that the huge fight had something to do with me. He tried covering EVERYTHING fro my sister. but my poor sister has every right in the world to know what happened. people don't change over time. and if he's really sincerely sorry, he'll kneel down to my sister and sincerely apologize to my sister on what he did wrong. rather, I did not see a sincere side of him, but rather, lies.... he's been trying to buy me stuff and send me money... but honestly I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY. I feel as if he's trying to buy my apology.
I told the whole story to a guy who I was partly in a relationship with... but I should've listened to my mom.... he ended up leaving me again, for same reasons. "can't deal with...
if that guy uses every reasons to get away from me whenever I'm at the most vulnerable state, he's.... not worth my time right? sigh...it's hard letting go of things... once again, I fall asleep holding onto the bible.... My youth pastor sent me a message recently saying "you're just like jesus, right after his baptism he was faced with a trial ... and you, .. I'm curious to what God has in stored for you. I strongly believe you'll be a great person in God's hands."
I'm not sure what my future will be like.. but I do believe I will succeed if I hold tightly onto God's hands.....
"It is written: Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." "It is also written: do not put the lord your God to the test" ... - Matthew 4:4, 7.
➵110510
watching : up
I want to know for sure you're the one.
I don't want to have any doubts ....
I guess once you figure out the truth it's hard to go back
to being blind....
I am trying my best to put it in the past..
but it's not working.. it seems..
I feel so vulnerable when I'm with you.
I can't be my own self...
people say it's normal to feel vulnerable,
but I'm not liking what I'm feeling.
I feel like i'm relying on you too much
when I don't want to..
you say it's ok now,
but you know that it burdens you,
you know that you want to escape it someday
what should I do?
...
➵103110
listening to: my own little world - matthew west
more and more I'm getting tired of samething repeating over and over.... you've been playing with my emotions this past year or so... we made plans, rather, YOU made plans for us . first christmas events you first began to play with my emotions. the constant pull and push.. second you bailed out on me on valentines day, you promised me you'll make it up to me. we made plans to go watch whales, we made plans to go to a ballet...every week or so we made plans to do something... those never happened...when tickets were all there.. you decided to call everything off. then there was actual going out, shortly you broke it off. even after break up you went back and forth...
and now when I thought everything was going smoothly this samething happens. I specifically told you that I won't be working on sunday. whatever we decide to do that was our plan for the day. you bailed once again. I'm beginning to question... what exactly am I to you? someone you can just make plans whenever you don't have anything? and cancel it off whenever you feel like? I don't think so. I'm sick'n tired.... Maybe it really is time for me to move on?
I remember Chris also mentioned the one specific reason why you pissed him off so much... and that reason is the very reason I'm getting tired of you... if you know you have a church event coming up, don't bother to make plans with me. it would've been fine if you told me straight up "something came up from church and I don't think I'll be able to hang out with you- sorry" but what did I get? nothing. Not even a sorry not even a reply of anything how I was doing... whatever. just keep on doing whatever you're doing right now I'm sure I'll be able to move on faster than ever.
➵103010
listening to: Beloved- tenth avenue north
holy. it's been almost a month since I wrote in here :P last 3 week's been very hectic. I found out that DXARTS wasn't something I truly wanted. it's pretty sad to find myself still looking for something that I won't regret doing. My major was biology, but now that I think about it I believe I've made a terrible mistake in taking those course. yes, i love biology, and yes I did enjoy my bird classes etc, but when I look 5~7 years back in my past, I realized that I truly enjoyed drawing. drawing was my passion and it will always be. I lost part of myself when I chose the biology major. Maybe because I never really DID have time to draw? it was either study, dating, fooling around with friends, back to biology study. same routine all over and over again. well it's too late to explore more fields so I decided to tackle on a CSE course. I want to stick with computer science major til I graduate. the work load is beyond description. (perhaps, it's because I enrolled into the course after 2 weeks after the quarter started? O_O) ahaha dumb move yes. -_- but I just couldn't wait. I was too curious to see whether I'll actually like the course or not. and guess what. I do! :) now just few more CSE classes and I'll be able to take all the classes that has to do with computer animations/3D. Hopefully I can get into dreamworks! :) living in California, having a job at dreamworks as an animator ....My life will be perfect. A lot of people asked me why I chose Dreamworks over Pixar. . . and everytime my answer's been "Dreamworks create better movies!" but now that I think about it, it's not the movie quality it totally depends on how I perceive the movie. pixar may have great family-oriented films, but I never went ""WOW" over it. (except for finding nemo. I cry EVERYTIME watching that! T^T ) whereas, dreamworks, I go speechless. the first movie I ever watched by dreamworks was probably prince of egypt. even with limited technology, they worked on the "splitting sea" scene til it was perfect. then there's shrek triology. + forever after. & kung fu panda. and recently my favorite movie became "How to train your dragon" also by dreamworks. it just amazes me how much emotion that one film can hold. Dreamworks was able to convey all the intended emotions to the viewers and that's just amazing. it'll be an honor if I can actually be part of the dreamworks team. :) What I'm thankful is that in CSE department there's this one professor that I want to have as a mentor. She worked for dreamworks and pixar and now she's a professor at our school! when I found about that I thought my heart had stopped. I was too excited! :) but for me, I can't talk to her just yet. I have to get all my programs ready, all my art portfolio ready! which means~~ new monitor and a computer! :) I have to buy a new computer that'll help me render maya at a faster pace, not to mention lots of internal memory T^T there goes all my hard earned money.. lol HAHAHA I can rant about my excitement/joy for animation classes but this is where I shall stop about my school life :P
I do have other things on my mind other than my school stuff... (although my brother in law will probably say "you don't even have time to think about other stuff!!") but yeah..... going out with an ex........ is that really a good idea? I mean since I already went out with the guy it's not like i feel uncomfortable... it's just.. long story short, we broke up, he tried to go on a date with another girl while saying he still loves me, and now he's back in my life. hmmmmm. how much can I trust the guy? from my previous relationship with guys I know that they're all the same, they'll never keep their words, nor are they gonna fix/try.... even if I give him a chance I'm afraid I'll end up regretting it. in the end, the person that gets hurt will be me.. but I guess everyone needs second chances? I know from the bottom of my heart he's a great guy. but more and more I deal with $hitty things like this, I lose trust in people. this is where I should really "follow my heart" huh? he's been doing a lot of stuff to earn my trust again though. I can really see he's trying. He checks up on me often, provides study snacks, not to mention showing affection? (he was never really good at showing affection... ) but now he's texting me a lot of cute stuff and all that jazz :P although I'm kinda torn in a way He told me he never wanted to live in California and I told him I never want a long distant relationship. My goal is to go to dreamworks and live in California. it comes down to me choosing one over the other.... but knowing myself I don't think I'll ever give up on my goal of going to dreamworks... is it still worth it to go out with him now? sigh. My head is gonna explode with everything!! help me God~ @__@
➵100610
Listening to: Imagine me without you - Jaci
feels like I'm doing something RIGHT for the first time in my life. I've been studying all day yesterday trying to catch up to my current readings in classes, really priortize my daily activities. I'm feeling GOOD. it's been a long time since I felt this refreshed and accomplished. This just shows that how much i've been screwing myself over haha.. I'm beginning to find what's really important to me.. before it was just me pursuing things that only appeared "lovely" &"good". I still get fooled by it's outer appearances once in while, but it'll take more than just a mere physical beauties and temptations to break my center. it's either I got stronger or I became more of a pessimist. scrutinizing every inch of my life, doubting and not being able to just BELIEVE from the start. either way, I guess it's crucial part to have in order to live in a world like this. No matter what the case is, I just hope God can see my true intentions behind my actions.
I don't live in vengence, but rather just like Jesus I want to be able to turn my other cheek as well....I want the strength and the love to live the way like Jesus.....
➵092310
Listening to : came to the rescue- Hillsong
Today, I became a U.S Citizen! funny thing is, I don't feel any different. lol; maybe I just need to wait until I get US passport and really use it to travel... maybe then, I'll feel like a real US citizen.. getting a US citizenship definitely brought myself a step closer to achieving my goal! :D i get to travel now that I have a passport! during the last 3~4 years, I couldn't go anywhere outside of the US since I didn't have my korean passport. but all that's done and done!
anyways aside from Citizenship issue, one thing's been bugging me this whole week. I remember mijin unnie's sermon on saturday.... how we stunt our growth towards God due to our fear, worries, anger, temptations.. etc. I've been going in and out of the sermon room due to some unexpected issues, and in the end, I ended up not hearing the conclusions on mijin's sermon.. :( The best thing I could do is, try to find the answer/conclusion on my own... but it's not so easy... From my personal experiences, I believe "being honest" is the major key to getting close to God. God will not judge us based on what we say out of our mouths, but rather, what's stored inside of our hearts. and the motives... It's like you HAVE to be honest to the other person to gain their trust. and from Trust you gain faith.. I don't know, my head's been filled with how God's love work... but more and more I seem to be digging into things that I really can't interpret... maybe it's just one of those things I leave it as it is.. don't even try to scrutinize every part of it.. just simply.. BELIEVE.
➵091110
Just when I thought everything was going ok.... this happens.. I guess we weren't meant to be after all... Your words and your actions may be in harmony, but your heart's not in it.. if you desire the other girl, go for it. I think I'm slowly learning how to let go. i'm FINALLY letting go.. I guess that's what you wanted all along. I know why you changed your mind.. I know what you've been feeling I know what you've been thinking... I practically know everything that's been going on for the past few weeks. despite all that, the mere thought of "love" I thought I could go back to loving you.
I asked you to be honest with me. you failed to do that as well. remember the guy named goo majoon? from the k drama? he's a cheater... and that's what I'm sensing from you. I'm not going to ask you to tell me everything you did... just... I just wanted you to be honest with me.. but I guess that's too late now. I guess I'm not good enough of a woman to hold onto a guy that I care about. hope you find someone that you can be with for a very long time... hopefully that other girl can make your life more stable....
➵090910
I saw and heard things I shouldn't have...
I came too far.. there's no turning back for me
no going back to the past.
I know too much now to go back.... so what am I doing?.. I wanna be lost somewhere... and never be found... that way I don't have to face the reality. no more worrying, no more living in doubts, no more living in assumptions... I did actually try to get lost on purpose.... one day I tried to get on a random bus that would take me to a random place... but wherever I went, I knew exactly where I was, or atleast I knew how I got there... that's when I realized I couldn't be lost, people know how to be found again from being lost. you either go back to the way you came from, or find a new way... there's always a way to get out of that "lost"-ness if you just look for the light. so why is it that we can't thrust away the feeling of being lost?.... I think we allow ourselves to be lost. wishing someone else to find and rescue from that deep pit of hopelessness.. too bad. you got yourself in it, you gotta get yourself out of it.. no one's there to help you. you can only help yourself.
➵090610
I feel like I'm in the middle of a war.. My body verses my mind. I planned a date with myself to go to the Seattle Aquarium and finish the book there. Everything was going according to plan. I got to the seattle Aquarium safely, walked towards the local fish viewing room with all the chairs and I don't know what happened, but my body failed to keep on going. without me realizing it, I had fell to the ground, collapsing. For the first time in my life. I didn't know what to do at that moment, for it was a weird feeling, the world wasn't spinning like how movie depicts it, no thoughts, just.. boom. A lot of people were there, the kids were there, but they were too pre-occupied by their family, not a one word of "are you alright?".. no one to lend a hand.. 'but that's alright I still have my God'... I thought to myself. I don't want to think of any more "what about me?" thoughts.. it only produces more selfishness.. besides! I have my friend that keeps me company everyday! :D my little unicorn pillow, Uni-chan. :]]
I'm beginning to feel that my body has reached it's limit. I keep on shivering when it's almost 75 ~80 degrees in my room. my face is burning with fever. My body collapsing. experiencing cold-sweat. vomiting right after eating... few days back I've met up with someone in my dream. I don't know what it's called in English, Grim reaper? I believe? told me that my time is near.. It's a bit scary to think that right now, since majority of my dreams' been coming true lately. I don't know whether this is the work of my body being in a weak stage, or whether it's really true.. nonetheless, I know my body needs recovery from whatever it is, but what? Just when I thought I was doing a great job of overcoming my emotional stress, my body fails on me. but it's ok. this fight will be worth it in the end. For I have found my God.
I was born into a Christian household. I grew up in Christian community all my life. My Uncle was a pastor in Korea, and My stepdad is also a pastor. I spent my sundays in church with all my cousins in Korea, and when I moved to United States, I was forced to attend SDA church by my mother and my stepdad. The pressure was great, since the church wasn't what I expected. it was so gloomy dark and no happy faces like my old sunday church. the only thing they taught were "WE're the right kind of christians, all Sunday churches are WRONG." at a young age, I believed it. I believed sunday church were WRONG. but as I grew older, I began to lose faith. I began to lose my patience with SDA church people. Living in a pastor's household really opened my eyes into all the things around it. I saw and heard SO MANY hippocrites. and I thought to myself, "these are the people that goes to church with their head held high thinking they're the RIGHT ones.." Who are THEY to say what's wrong and what's right? for I did not see any righteousness in them. I was losing faith faster than I can ever imagine. more like in a DAY, I was disgusted by church members. Thinking back, those were the times that I also had my depression. For several years I've been in depression, whatever other people did, I didn't care. Whatever I did I didn't care. saw the whole world as a chunk of rotten fruit. At the end of my senior year in High school, I decided something needed to be done for me to change into a better person. I tried so much to be happy when I was ripping inside, I tried to encourage other people when I was the one crying out for help, and I guess it showed? that's when I met Paul. For the time I was with him he showered me with compliments and how great I was.. When we broke up, my happiness my faith my hope level dropped to the rock bottom. I let my emotions get the best of me. But I will not make the same mistake. For I know emotions are the easy way out of things. It'll always be "I'm depressed, so this is why I am doing this." or "I'm hurt so I'm not going to do this" .. I'll use emotions to justify my actions. Who wants to hear excuses? no one. Lately Bible reading's been a great help. Whenever I feel something's wrong I reach for the bible. The times in the future will be hard as well, but I should really be strong. I discoverd 'my God' at an age of 21, but I'm just glad I found him. I can take on the responsibility now. being a true christian and all. I'll hold on to God no matter what. and in the end, I can proudly say "I've fought the good fight. and I've won, for God's on my side."
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your father who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." - Matthew 6: 5-8
➵090310
listening to "deeply in love- hillsong"
Today certainly was an interesting day... lately I've been trying to figure out what I'm capable of.. desperately trying to figure out my worth.. why I was sent to this earth.. and such.
I was under mild depression today,. unable to cheer myself up from this endless hopelessness. Only God will know the pain I was going through.. on top of that the pressure of finding my passport for citizenship got to me as well. knowing that if I don't find this thing, the interview will basically go to waste. $700 down the drain.. in times like these I lose my value. I feel worthless.
until,
my church boy called me,.. asking if I can just talk with him. I answered "sure" :) turns out, he got into a car accident while his parents were out of town. He told me he was feeling depressed and that he's so frustrated with the world he wanted to commit suicide. that's when it hit me. 'he called me when he could've been calling all the other people...' he may be just one person but he chose me out of everyone to get comfort. he definitely made me see where my worthy-ness lies once again. If I, older 'church nuna', can't even be emotionally stable, how can I work god's wonders by helping other people? I need to be strong for other people's sake and for my sake as well. I am really grateful to you my boy. for you showed me what I was living for. I want to be a strong center for my church. where people can rely on. I don't want to be hindered by the wickedness that surrounds us each day. I want to be a shelter for those who seek comfort. In order for me to achieve that goal, I have to be strong on my own. really win against my own emotional war. Please God give me strength...
Today's verse: Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. – Psalm 42:5-6
➵090210
today, I spent the whole day cleaning my room. Cleaning helps clear one's head as well, or so I thought.. but truth is, the more I tried to clear my head the more confused I get.. Maybe this is my way to organize my thoughts a little... my Macbook and hillsongs. I know something's bothering me when I can't focus on one thing... I go back and forth from one thing to another unable to see the finish of whatever I started.. I honestly don't know what to do at this kind of situation. I can't even sit still. Why is it that I'm so anxious about things? Friendships at it's worst.. family on the verge of cracking, relationship that I can't help but to watch fall apart from far away.. I know at a hard times like this, God's there.. I strongly believe that or I should atleast... but why is it that I still have this doubt about God's strength?..... this jittery feelings in my heart seems to be blocking off from thinking straight for the day... so here I am, writing down whatever that comes to my mind for now.. hopefully I can re-organize my thoughts to function properly for tomorrow's sabbath lesson. I met this friend.. approximately a year and a half ago for the first time. when he visited my church for the first time, never really thought what kind of future I'll be having with him. few months after our first meeting, he called me out one day, asking to join him with few of his friends... our memories started from there. At first, I enjoyed hanging out with him just because I was in an emotional break-down due to my breakup with paul... (come to think of it, my break up was around this time... end of august and september..funny how history repeats it self...) somehow this friend became my comfort zone. When I was with him, he was able to ease my pain to the minimum... We shared a lot of memories together... started with failed date.. :) which I'm sure he felt bad about it, but that's something I can look back and really remember... the feelings I had were so real even by thinking back to it makes my heart beat faster. The thrill of being lost on the road to snoqualmie.. it's something only I'll have. no one else.. Flowers for my dorm room, just here and there small gifts, the thoughts, the hugs,.. every little thing made worthwhile. I had doubts about hanging out with him because of what other's been saying about him. now that I think about it, I let the rumors get to me. Rather than seeing him with my own eyes, I was blinded with rumors... unable to see his true self. If I realized that sooner, maybe the timing wouldn't be off, huh?. over the months I've spent with him, I realized people mistook his speech and his actions. He was just misunderstood from the start. the more I tried to understand him, the more I fell for him. Before I can rescue myself from this whirlpool of emotions, I was in too deep..
few people told me, I'll be faced with many hardships due to my family situation. Getting married will not be an easy task for me for people judge me based on my parents situation. I was faced with that sooner than I thought. My dear friend told me he couldn't deal with my mother.... and for that, he can't see a future with me. but I don't want to blame my mother for putting me in a situation where I have to face the cruel world by myself for what she's done.. but I can't help myself but to wonder "what if's" what if my family were back together... what if my family had no problem, what if... what if.... I hate asking myself what ifs, because it's not helping me go anywhere, but rather be stuck in a fantasy of how things should've been like.. "what ifs" don't bring any improvement into one's life.. but I guess i'm a human being after all? eh?. unable to get away from the grasp of darkness.
I want to give everything I have for someone dear to me. Is this like...God's love? unconditional love? or is it me being stupid? when I clearly know the other person doesn't feel the same way I can't help myself but to give up everything.... I guess I'm still learning how not to love like that.... it hurts.... it hurts.. so much I want to cut out my heart and lock it away from the world... ending the pain will mean ending my life. what am I suppose to do?...
➵083110
While studying Proverbs, I realized often what bible teaches you can't be applied to our real life today. once again I face the dilemma of how to live my life. It'll always be a dilemma as long as I make it one. now that I've found my answer I am quite at peace... for God gave me this verse to live my life by. "Pay attention and listen to the sayings of the wise; apply your heart to what I teach, for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart and have all of them ready on your lips." - Proverbs 22:17-18 People often say, "do something spontaneous!" or "free-spirit is good for your soul". Having spontaneity and free-spirit it could often lead to irresponsibility and destruction, because there's no self-control in spontaneity and free-spirit. "The emphasis on the inward man is the key point which separates Christianity from all other religions. The control of the inner man is the secret to a righteous life." -THE HUMAN HEART-self control. I began to study more on Self-control for my own good. Sure my motivation started from my attempt to help a dear friend, but if I don't fully comprehend and haven't even applied to my own life on the topic, how can I teach/tell others to have self-control? I've witnessed my dear friend going through some trouble trying to have self-control. It wasn't easy, I know for a fact that I was under pressure of losing it myself as well... but I gotta remember now that "Proper living is developed and controlled at the source of one's action- the impulses of his heart. This may be man's most difficult challenge, but it will be his greatest victory" - THE HUMAN HEART-self control. I know this is a difficult challenge, but how can we improve without trying our best to change? right?
Becuase the heart is the control center of a man, one can assume the heart IS the man. As jesus said in Matthews 12:33-35, "you brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks... evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him," whatever that is stored up in side shows up through one's mouth. Once we start bearing the fruit of evil, our life will be contaminated. so how am I suppose to achieve this "self-control" that we all seek?
1.] through discipline and guidance. -
of course, the guidance comes from God, and his words; the bible. But other then that, we must also submit ourselves to the teachings from the others and parents. When we're old enough, we grow thick from pride, it becomes harder for each and every one of us to submit to advices that are given. but a real wise person, would take the advice and apply it.
2.] Through self-restraint.
self restraint verses can be found almost everywhere in proverbs. such as "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city" - proverbs 16:32, or "Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control" - proverbs 25:28 resisting and fleeing from temptation, knowing one's limit, distinguishing what is wrong and what is right, there are so many things that we need to have self-control over, no wonder we view this as the "most difficult challenge to a mankind".
Lately, I've been having trouble trusting people. there was a time (not too long ago, few days ago? perhaps?) where I lived in assumption. My head was filled with countless doubts, not to mention one assumption lead to the other. More and more I realized I was going into an endless pit of darkness. when I realized what I've been doing to myself, I couldn't do anything but to ask for help. And here I am, desperate to learn the topic of self-control. For my sake and for those around me. Dear heavenly father,. I kneel before you today to help us realize our strengths. I ask you to give us the will to have self-control. For there's no self-control, our heart that is the center and a streams of our life will have no protection against all the wickedness around us.. I ask for your guidance... God.. help us...and watch over us.
Today's verse. "By wisdom the lord laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew. My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." - Proverbs 3:24-26
➵ 083010
Yesterday, I asked God to help me realize how I can be a better person. A person that doesn't burden others. Especially to the people I love. I can feel that God's doing his amazing miracles on me right now, because he just gave me the answer today. This topic is about "worthy woman" in the bible's case, I guess this is about woman as 'wife' not just by her self, but in a relation to the husband. In previous chapters of proverbs, we decided to break down the verses and really dig deep into what the verses shout out to us. One of our church members read the verse "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones" - Proverbs 12:4. and at our first glance, we took it literally. Where it's just a relationship between wife and a husband. but if you look at it closely, the wife represents the church and/or us, Christians. where as husband is God. So if I interpret correctly, the topic of "worthy woman" is being a worthy person, in relation to God. Worthy woman's life should contain 4 things.
-------[Her Life]
[1.] must be a hard worker. She must look for tasks that needs to be done and is willing to do them rather than complain or leave them undone
"She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." -proverbs 31:13-15
[2.] Must be wise and industrious. She is a good business manager and can make wise decisions on her own.
"She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She seems that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers." - Proverbs 31:16-19
[3.] Must be kind and generous. Must be a giving person. "She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy." - Proverbs 31:20
[4.] Must be benefit to family. She provides the every need of her family. and an asset to her husband's standing in the community. Even brings extra income needed for the family.
"When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes" - Proverbs 31: 21-24
------[Her character]
[I.] Strength and Honor
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." - Proverbs 31:25
[II.] wisdom
"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." - Proverbs 31:26
[III.] busy
"She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." - Proverbs 31:27
Being a worthy woman will not come easy. But at least knowing what 'worthy woman' are like, I feel confident that one day I can be 'worthy' as well. whether in church, or in my own household. Secret to being a worthy woman was mentioned in Proverbs 31:30-31. it states "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised." You don't need charms and you don't need beauty to be a worthy woman. only the earthly things would require for women to be charming and beautiful, but In God's eyes, If I fear God with my whole heart, That's when my life as a worthy woman begins... Please lord, shape me into the person I was meant to be... mold me into a person worthy of having the title "worthy woman."
➵082910
Today, or should I say yesterday? (it's currently 1:13 AM) I just came back from Mijin Unnie's house celebrating our church praise team leader, DAVID HONG'S 24th birthday!!! :D Overall yesterday was truly blessing and amazing. For the first time in my life, I took charge of sabbath school. Hearing from my church members that I did amazing really motivates me to do things more for church. (EJ's sermon was amazing! I was able to relate to him since the topic was on our 'inner peace') but I gotta be careful about one thing. while studying on proverbs, I came across where the proverb study guide mentions. that "Most people are motivated-either for good or bad- more from their emotions than their intellect- not because emotion is stronger than intellect, but because such motivation is the easier of the two. Emotional motivation is not necessarily a good thing. The complexities of life are so great and the problems so heavy that the more we face them, the more 'mixed up' we become. Therefore, it is imperative to keep our hearts and emotions under control rather than being ruled by them." -THE HUMAN HEART- broken spirit. It's one of my biggest issue. My emotions get the best of me. It dictates every move and every thought in my head. I lose control over it in a snap of a finger. When I clearly know the right thing is completely the opposite, I follow my emotions... I've been studying proverbs to help understand myself better, and truly be the best person I can be in God's eyes. But When a spirit is broken I cannot help myself nor can others help me nor can I help others... as it was stated in Proverbs 18:14. "A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?" ... also that reminded me of my ex's quote "Before there can be a 'we,' there must first be a "me!" "- Andy Kim.:]] there are 3 ways where one's spirit can be broken. 1. by fear, 2.by anxiety, 3. by depression. (all of them are what I'm feeling currently.) I wonder if Solomon really diagnosed his every emotions to be wise? Studying Proverbs is in a way my own mental therapy session. Since it's not dealing with people, I can really relax and rely on my relationship with God. Lately God's been my guidance and therapy counselor! Trusting in Lord is one way to put the pieces back together, so I shall hold on to him and Go to him rather than seeking help from the earthly things. I understand that the path I'm about to walk is going to be hard for it is nigh impossible for me to do it on my own. I'm hoping God would walk beside me on my own pace. No rush, no pressure no nothing. Just me and God taking a stroll towards a better path. I wonder if all my worries burden him? I just found out that I was a burden to my 2nd ex... I wonder when I'll ever be a burden free person ...? That I'll have to dig real deep into proverbs to get an answer. :) or God will tell me someday :)
So part of my healing process started with my journal. The web page is just for me to quickly gather my thoughts (since typing is easier than writing in pen. lol) But the journal I'm talking about is where I write things that I'm thankful for, for that specific day. I named it "give thanks journal" It used to be named 'Olivia' but now it has a different purpose. I'm beginning to heal myself by almost forcing myself to think positively. Negative thoughts will produce more distance from God, and I cannot afford to have that happen more. I have a huge distance from God as it is, If I fell apart from him even more, I'd be in a dark hole of despair. never will I be rescued.. I felt really great writing in the journal. once you start writing one person's name, it leads to the another and another and another... endless chain of thankful-ness. I never thought I had that much people to thank on daily basis, but I DID! I surprised myself. I hope to continue til my journal is completely filled with people's names and the reason why I'm thankful for ... :]]
Today's verse: "Do not be anxious about anything. but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. " - Philippians 4: 6-9
➵082810
"Don't get disappointed when God doesn't give you what you want..For he knows the best time for you to have it.."
Listening to Hillsong- "still" -on repeat.
"Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust"
While listening to Still, the quote above appeared on the video. Knowing the Still's lyrics, I thought to myself "is that really relevant to the song?"but you know what? It may not fit 100% perfectly with the song, but it was 100% perfect for me to hear it. it's actually a quote that I found my comfort in starting this morning. Lately I feel as though my dream that I had is becoming a reality. Not in a good sense. I can feel that someone dear to me is drifting way from me faster than I can hold onto him... It feels as though he's trying to hide it.... perhaps for my sake?.. If he finds someone dear to him, I guess it's all good... :) this is my 1st ex experience all over again... I lose others and I lose myself in the process... I can feel myself slowly deteriorating.. bits by bits til the point where I don't even know if I exist or not... If my love for someone can hurt me this much, think of God's ... what I'm going through may be 1"/XXXX amount of numbers" but I know now that I can relate to him. and that... you wish for that person to find peace. and when they decide to come back welcome them with open arms... God truly is amazing. I know someday he'll work miracles in my life and those people around me. I strongly believe that day is coming soon. And when it does, I shall glorify his grace to the whole world. without any mixed despair I will be able to give my 100% no, 200% of myself. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Til the point where I believe my life is completely ruined. When I was born, one of the fortune teller told my mother that my life will be ruined around the age of 20 to 21... due to guys.. one was my 1st ex. 2nd is now my 2nd ex... I was looking forward to my trip with the whales... that I requested a day off on Monday. When I knew the plans never gets carried out between me and my ex.. this is when I feel hopeless the most. When I can't do anything about it. Story of my life....;; Praying to God won't make my job hours reappear, or drop $80 right in front of my eyes (since it's $10/hr and I was assigned to work 8 hour shift...) funny how things work out or should I say, NOT work out, but I'm not gonna give up yet. God please help me not to make the same mistakes again. I know it is impossible to live without sin just by living on our own....So here I am. I give myself to you God. Heal my broken heart and use me to glorify you. For your time on earth is coming soon.
"Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." -Matthew 4:4
➵082710
i gotta say, this is pretty scary. so my horoscope for august said this . "The sun will move through a sensitive area of your chart this month, leading to MAJOR mood swings. To cope until the 23rd (when the sun switches signs), keep an upbeat playlist in constant rotation: Nothing boosts a taurus girl's spirits like her favorite tunes!" so apprently 23rd is the day where the last break up happened and within the month of august, it was on and off over and over again. lol see why I'm freaked out?! I don't want to believe in these superstitious things but really getting everything right and even the DATE is pretty crazy..;; Anyways, My friday started off a bit rocky, but it turned into a very rewarding night :) I had an intense discussion on proverbs chapter 11 today with our college group. Having Josh Ro there made everything all fired up! :D He has a passion and a deep understanding of everything around him it seems... I envy that. Lately I've been jealous of a lot of things. (people as well) Being jealous was part of who I was and who I am now as long as I can remember, So really suppressing my jealousy will be a major task I'll be working all my time on earth. while reading proverbs today, this one particular verse stood out from the rest of them. "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones" -Proverbs 15:30. When I happened to think about envying people, My God once again guides me into the right path. Josh even told me that he felt the peace within himself after reading a bible verse from proverbs each morning. and he agreed when I mentioned that I feel like crap from the sunrise to the sunset when I don't start my day with the bible. few moments later David mentioned when we have something that's worthwhile and feels great by reading you'd want to go back to it, but funny thing was everyone agreed that it's not the same for bible reading. We really have to have a will-power this strong urge more towards forcing ourselves to read the bible each day. Why is that? the answer was obvious... the work of Satan. All the thoughts are coming together now. I know I enjoy watching horror movies like exorcism of emily rose and etc, was because I believed those "entities" existed. Never really encountered it myself, but for the first time I'm beginning to 'see' and 'realize' what he's doing to me. I know that more I hold onto God, the more I will be witnessing the work of Satan. I'm going to do the best I can to fight it off. I think I'm doing... good so far? I could be working on Fridays to get more money even on Saturdays, but I told the manager I couldn't due to religious reasons. I'm so grateful that they respect the religious side of me :) It's always a nice feeling to get accepted. Just wished my friends would accept me just the way I am...; but that's not important right now! Right now I want to pray for my ex. He's going through a lot of stuff, He wants to figure out where he wants to be in his life, what he wants to do in his life. the path's aren't really set for him yet but I pray to you God, that you show him the path you made for him. I care deeply about him. Now that I realize what I'm missing out on. But until he's ready and until I'm ready I won't force my self in his life. So please help us God for I wish nothing more than for us to grow in your guidance. Help us grow to be the people we're meant to be.
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever" -Psalms 28 :7~9
➵082610
I think I'm beginning to find my inner peace.. when you know the other person no longer wants you, why bother mending everything? I guess no need to try anymore huh? more and more I think about it, I come to a conclusion that guys are exactly the same... except the person you'll be marrying. hopefully I won't marry some douche-bags... lol; that would suck. :P well nonetheless, it's time for me to step up and really erase everything about my past once again. I don't know whether its because of the on and off things but it's not as difficult for me to deal with break-ups anymore. I guess that's a plus about break-ups. you learn how to deal with it more and more. I've been really enjoying learning lately, surprising, yes :]] it's more of a life lesson that i'm enjoying though. working together and really talking together with some of my co-workers made me realize a lot of things. They maybe around their early 20's, mid 20's and ... our manager is around 30's they have goals, they have a definite goal they're trying to achieve. They have morals. They all have a strong center on which they stand. I really do admire them. admire plus a bit of jealousy. sometimes I feel like the world turns its back on me too many times. When things are looking bright there's always a downfall following right after. that maybe part of life, but come on, I'm just a human being, I need a break sometimes. Every time when I go through some hardships, it may be due to friends, families, sig. others, I tend to think really negative thoughts. in other words, I go back to my old self. where depression dictated most of my daily routines, suicidal thoughts flashing every 5 seconds...I caught myself thinking of slitting wrist of mine not too long ago... I question "what if I don't live in this world? everyone will be happy... I'll be happy.." ..... my old self will probably give in completely give up in life by now with everything going on in my life. amazingly enough, after every little negative thoughts I hear in the back of my head saying "don't give up yet," . I don't know I, myself, unconsciously thinks positive thoughts? or that it's the work of God. It's just lately I've been reading proverbs daily. (at least I tried to.. it's working out nicely i'd have to say :) ) Every verse I read, I feel as though God's giving me criticisms on how i'm living my life right now Every single verse speaks out to me very strongly. I had many moments when I randomly open up the bible and start reading. Every single verse I read are the verses I needed to hear that very moment. My mom told me ever since I was a young girl that I cannot leave God's side. And ever since I was a young girl I knew that God was next to me where ever I went. Now that I think about it, maybe it's because of that thought I'm still here. I didn't give up just yet. and just knowing that God is right next to me I will succeed in whatever he wants me to do.. I give myself to you oh lord. I want to hold your hands tightly and rise back up strongly God. Help me never to give up on you, Help me never to drift away from you and most importantly Help me realize my purpose in life....
➵082510
It's been awhile since I updated on this webpage.. and here I go again. :]] Lots of things happened since valentines day til now. Both good & the bad. I got a job at Fran's Chocolate (we carry Obama's favorite chocolate~~ <3) met new people during youth rally, got to go on dates and been in a relationship. Although the relationship part is now over > . <. I think every relationship happens for a reason. I can proudly say that I learned a lot this time. with every relationships & break-ups you learn things you've never find out on your own. For me, I can actually say I'm glad things happened the way it did. Now that I've experienced worse of the worst I can move on and not make the same mistake. Ever. This relationship really drained my energy out. First with going back and forth between break-ups and make-ups. After awhile, my feelings just died. it's either happens or not. sure at first it was hard to adjust, but it's like what he said to me "if you keep crying, your tears lose it's effect." i can say the same thing. second thing was that because i was 3 years younger, he treated me like an immature child. like I don't know any better. Sure, I'm young-ER but that doesn't mean I don't know anything, in ways you need to grow up buddy. If you decided to ask me out, take on a full responsibility, and if you feel like breaking up because you can't handle it, then embrace that as well. I've lowered myself too many times by accepting him every time he came back. You once told me what I wanted, i wanted the relationship. You were the one who's always wishy-washy about the decision. I wanted to have a good ending since my mother seemed to like you more than she liked... my 1st ex. and everyone around us were cheering for us. but in the end you had to just create all this drama. even after we ended you came back to me asking "it'll be tough but are you willing to try making things work?" and I replied happily by saying "yeah!" although I knew I had doubts, and I knew there was a very little faith involved I never wanted to give up in rebuilding friendships & relationships. but less than 24 hours later you called it off. that's the kind of guy you are. You'll never be satisfied and you'll never stick to your decisions when situations gets worse.. You told me you didn't like how I faced my problems, becuase I run away from them too much. then What ARE you doing? is this how you face your problems? end things when it gets bad, and when you think it's calmed down a bit you come back to it thinking everything will be ok? Honestly saying I was satisfied with you. at some point I just wanted you to be satisfied with me, but I guess that's not part of your nature to be satisfied with anything you have... you asked me I had to have a reason to like someone, and I failed to give you those reasons. it's because part of liking/loving someone is also accepting all their flaws as well. I didn't have one specific reason to like you, I had to like you overall in general to actually decide to go out with you. You're a man of logic and I'm a girl of feelings/emotions. I guess this is where we clash. well, It's over and I wont' go back. you've been asking me to go find a guy better than you and I told you I didn't wanted to why push me away so much? I think I know the reason why now.. well I've lowered myself 6 times already and there will not be a 7th. It's time I get my dignity back. It's time I get someone better than you, just like you said. I want a guy...
who believes in God. - knowing that the guy will not give up when I'm going through a hardship. Just like our heavenly father will never give up on us :)Part of having each other is to help each other when one of them are in need.
who knows what he wants - If you don't think you're set and don't know your path, don't even bother to get into a relationship & wishy-washy guys are a big No no.
who knows how to put me back to my place - sure I'll get angry for arguing back, but if you're right I'll shut up after a little bit of time. This is where I think my sister and my brother in law are perfect :) straight forward, and no nagging please.