Manchester Outright
A Social and Support Group for GLBTQ Youth
The Parent's Page
MY CHILD IS GAY! NOW WHAT DO I DO? 
| Bewildered? Confused? Angry? Feeling guilty? Worried? Believe me, you're not alone. As the gay community comes out of the closet, parents by the hundreds of thousands are discovering that they are the parents of gay youth.
This can be a crisis or an opportunity, it's all up to you! |
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? MY CHILD?
What's happening is that you're finding out something very important about who your child is, and your child has revealed something very important to you about who he or she is. This can be a shattering experience for a parent, or it can be a growing experience. It depends on you.
There are some definite stages to the process you have embarked upon, whether willingly or not. They involve learning and growing. Sometimes it will be painful, sometimes joyful. What you get out of it depends on what you're willing to put into it, and how open you can hold your mind.
Some parents hold their prejudices more dearly than their children and actually reject their children outright, and simply disown them and throw them out on the street. You probably haven't done that, or you wouldn't be reading this. Right there, that puts you statistically ahead of fully one fourth of parents of gay children.
Now if you want make the best of this and know what sort of things you are going to go through as a parent of a gay child, read this letter from Jim Lokken to learn a little about the process and what you will learn.
Jim Lokken writes:
I'd like to share with you a bit of history, and a testimony.
Two San Francisco congregations of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America have been expelled from that denomination because they called and ordained a gay man and a lesbian couple who were not approved for call by the ELCA. The ordination took place January 20, 1990.
The three were qualified graduates of Lutheran seminaries, and were not approved for call because they publicly disclosed that they are gay or lesbian, and would not commit to lifelong abstinence from homosexual relationships as required by current ELCA policy. The two congregations were charged with violating the ELCA's constitution, which requires its congregations to call only clergy approved by the ELCA.
The following is an excerpt from testimony before the ELCA's Committee on Discipline in San Francisco, July 7, 1990.
The author was director of the Center for Theological Studies and a professor in the religion department at California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks. At the time this was written, he was also pastor of St. Matthew's Lutheran Church, North Hollywood, Calif. He has since been elected bishop of the Southern California (West) Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.
ONE FAMILY'S STORY
By Paul W. Egertson, Ph.D.
What do you say after someone you love says, "I'm gay"? That's the question our family faced a decade ago when the oldest of our six sons told his mother and me that he is homosexual. That's the question the ELCA family of faith recently faced because of three young men in a fiery furnace whose personal integrity would not allow them to deceive us about their sexual orientation during the process leading toward ordination. That's the question many congregational families will face in the future as more and more of their lesbian and gay members muster the courage to publicly share what they have privately known to be true for years.
I share our family story here, not because it is unique, but because it is a typical account of one way parents respond to the discovery that a child they both love and admire is gay. It is offered with the prayer that it can be helpful not only to other families, but also to our church family as we seek together a place to stand in relation to a reality that will not go away.
Step 1: Deny It
Looking back, we can see six steps on the road we have traveled. Upon hearing the news our son brought us, our first step was to *deny it.* Admittedly, we knew very little about homosexuality at the time. After all, what was there to know? God created people male and female for the purpose of reproducing the human race and provided marriage as the proper setting for it. Sexual activity between people of the same sex was obviously a distortion of nature prohibited by both Scripture and common sense. What more does one need to know than that?
While we knew very little about homosexuality, we knew a great deal about our son. He didn't fit the image we had of a homosexual at all. He had been a delightful child to raise: bright as a whip; multi-talented; self-directed and self-disciplined; honest and ethical to a fault; helpful and caring toward others. He graduated from high school with honors and from California Lutheran University with highest honors. Beyond that, he was a devoutly Christian young man, planning to enter the ordained ministry like his grandfather and father before him, not out of some pressure to maintain a family tradition, but out of a deep inner sense of call. In other words, he was about as perfect a child as any Christian parents could hope for in a world where nobody is perfect. If he thought he was gay, he must just be going through a phase of some kind and "when the right girl comes along" he will resolve it. In the meantime, let's all keep our heads and not panic.
Step 2: Explain It
When we could no longer deny it, we sought to *explain it.* How had this fine young man become gay? What caused it? Our state of ignorance was such that only two options seemed possible. Either he had chosen a style of life in contradiction to nature and the will of God, or his mother and I in our parenting had unknowingly contributed to a perverted development of his sexuality. Either his mother had emasculated him by smother love or I had been a weak, ineffective and/or too much absent father. Since we could not convince ourselves that this highly ethical boy had suddenly chosen a deviant style of life, the fault must have been our inadequacy as parents. We explored that explanation for a while but, self-serving as the conclusion was, we could not realistically see where that had been so in this case. So we went in search of other explanations. At this point our education began.
We learned that there are several theories on the causes of homosexuality; that they stand in conflict with each other; that none of them can be sufficiently established to produce a consensus; and the only certain truth at this point in time is that *nobody really knows.* The fact is that across time, nations, races, cultures and classes, a consistent percentage of persons in all populations just are homosexual and the fault cannot be laid at anyone's feet.
Step 3: Fix It
When we could neither deny it nor explain it, we then sought to *fix it.* There were two options open: divine intervention and psychological therapy. As a devout Christian who knew from early childhood that something was very different about him and who suspected from adolescence that this difference was something unacceptable to God, our son had devoted himself to prayer and trust in the grace and power of God. Preachers said God loved all people unconditionally and could change persons who came to him with a broken and contrite heart. So for years, night after night in the privacy of his closet, he took his broken and contrite heart to the throne of grace. But God did not change him. Did that mean he was so defective that even a gracious God did not love him? What else is a teen-age mind to conclude? (Preachers, beware! Some people believe what you say.)
Since divine intervention failed, perhaps psychological therapy could succeed. So we pursued that, only to discover that most psychiatrists and psychologists had long since come to the conclusion that homosexuality is not an illness and that no known system of treatment can change it. Homosexual behavior can be changed by conditioning toward celibacy, but the inner affectional orientation of constitutional homosexuals is not changed. And that was the issue for us, because sexual activity was not the problem. In short, there was no known way to fix it. The best that therapy can do is help gay and lesbian persons accept the reality of their being before the socially imposed shame of it and the personal pain of it drives them to despair, drink, drugs, or death by suicide, all of which it does daily to numerous persons in our world.
Step 4: Mourn It
When you can't deny it, explain it, or change it, the only thing left is to *mourn it.* Parents have two choices at this point, and both of them involve some form of death. On the one hand, you can choose the death of rejection and separation from your child. You can say, "If that's the way you are, you're no son of mine." You can cut off relations as though the child never lived or as though the child has died. That's an option many parents have taken and an option many congregations have taken in response to their lesbian and gay members. But quite frankly, that was never an option for us because we could not believe this son we knew so well was in any sense a perverted person.
The other option is to suffer the death of your own ignorance, prejudice, opinions, attitudes and misunderstandings. Then you mourn the loss of a nice and tidy worldview in which everything fits neatly into boxes of black or white, right or wrong, true or false. And you mourn the loss of security provided by a few biblical passages that can tell you which is which so you don't have to take the responsibility for making a judgment.
Along with those losses goes the death of your hopes and dreams of ordinary happiness for your child, particularly as that comes through the joys of marriage, children and a life approved by family, friends, church and society. And in our son's case, there is also the probable death of any hope for ordination into the ministry to which he has always felt called by God, unless he is willing to sacrifice for it all experiences of human love expressed through physical intimacy.
During the process of mourning, his mother and I came to realize how close we were to shifting the focus from our son's struggle to our own. That final form of death for parents is to recognize that their pain is secondary to their child's suffering and to take up their role as supporters of the life they brought into the world, the life their child has to live out in the world. When that happened for us, the question became, "How is he handling this in terms of his own life, health and happiness?" It is his problem, not ours. He doesn't need us to increase his struggle by making the problem our own and then looking to him for a solution.
Step 5: Accept It
When he came to the place where he could accept the reality of his sexual orientation as given, we were able to take the next step and *accept it.* It was at this point that we remembered one version of the Serenity Prayer: "Lord, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference."
For us that has come to mean the acceptance of something in the being of our son that neither we nor he would have chosen, something neither he nor we can change. More than that, it has come to mean seeking change in those things which can be changed, namely the attitudes toward and understandings of homosexuality that remain dominant in both church and society. For we have come to realize that the biggest problem in being gay is not the gayness, but the reaction of heterosexuals to it. And we want to join with those who seek the ways of healing and wholeness at this point of pain in our world.
As parents, we are grateful to the pastors and members of St. Francis Lutheran Church in San Francisco, where our son experienced that gospel of reconciliation in both word and action through which the Holy Spirit has kept him "united with Jesus Christ in the one true Faith." It is our prayer that every Lutheran parent or gay or lesbian children can some day have the assurance that their children will encounter that same gospel acceptance in any Lutheran congregation they may attend.
Step 6: Celebrate It
At this juncture on our journey we are in the process of taking a sixth and final step: *celebrate it!* We may not be fully on this step yet, but our weight has clearly shifted there. Where you end up on this journey depends on what you think homosexuality is. To what may it be rightly compared? Your answer to that will finally determine the place you will stand.
At least four options are open for consideration:
First, you might say that homosexuality is a conscious and defiant rebellion against the laws of God and nature. In that case, it is simply sin and our only proper response is the announcement of God's judgment, the offer of grace, and a call for repentance. But is that what homosexuality is?
A second option is to say that homosexuality is an illness like alcoholism, where behavioral activity brings the bondage of addiction that only total abstinence can break. If that's the case, then clearly celibacy is a sufficient solution to the problem. But is that what homosexuality is?
A third option is to say that homosexuality is a tragedy of nature, something never intended by God and contrary to his will, but something that happens regularly in our world nonetheless. It is one more demonstration of the effect of the Fall in the world. In that case, it is like mental retardation, a condition for which the victim is not responsible, which cannot be changed, but something we can never call good. If that's what it is, then shouldn't we treat homosexuals with the same compassion and understanding as we grant to others who innocently suffer as victims of a broken world? Then shouldn't we make special rules for them so that life can be as full as possible within the limits of their deformity? When people have no legs, we provide wheelchairs as substitutes and set aside special parking spaces which are illegal for others to use but permitted for them. Could we provide homosexuals with a substitute structure for marriage that would allow them the personal fulfillment that comes through sanctioned committed relationships. But is that what homosexuality is?
Finally, we might say that homosexuality is one of the varieties of nature, one of those delightful differences that regularly appear in counterpoint to the ordinary norm. In that case, it is like left-handedness, a minority condition in a world where most people are right-handed and a few are ambidextrous, but a natural variation that has its own contribution to make to the wholeness of the world. There was a time when people considered left-handedness so deviant that it had to be punished or changed. But in trying to force that change, we discovered the same thing we're finding with homosexuality now: attempts to change them don't change them but only cause more serious problems. Once that was clear in regard to left-handedness, we were freed to discover some positive benefits southpaws offer the world. Professional baseball teams, for example, value them highly. In fact, you can't win a championship without some lefties. Is that what homosexuality is? If so, we can celebrate it as a gift of God.
Unfortunately, there are no experts right now who can answer our questions or tell us which of the above options will turn out to be true. All we can do is digest the best information available from scientific research and search the Scriptures for what they do and don't say, praying that the Spirit will lead us into all truth. In the meantime, we all walk by faith and run with risk. Each of us will place our own bet and be responsible for it. As for me and my house, we're putting our money on the *celebration* line. We would rather err on the side of helping hurting people than on the side of hurting helpless people. May God have mercy on us.
Jim Lokken, St. Francis Lutheran Church, San Francisco
WHY DID MY CHILD HAVE TO TELL ME?
Your child wants to be honest with you. Trying to pretend to be something he or she is not, is a tremendous burden, one that carries with it a great deal of guilt and shame. You've tried to teach your child honesty, and now your child has shown that he or she loves you enough to be honest with you about who he or she is, even at great personal risk of rejection. In making this revelation, your child has lifted a great burden of guilt and shame from his or her shoulders, and you need to understand what a great relief it is to not have to lie about who you are.
As a parent, you doubtlessly value honesty in your child a great deal. It is a mark of his or her character. And the fact that your child has entrusted you with this information is an indication that your efforts in teaching him or her honesty and integrity have paid off.
While this is undeniably a great burden for you, it is also an opportunity. The opportunity lies in the fact that you now know your child better than you ever did, and so this situation affords you the opportunity to get closer to your child than you have ever been. If you can be honest with your child about your own feelings, and how you love him or her in spite of this revelation, you can use this situation to draw closer to your child and become more important to him or her than you have ever been. Isn't this what you want as a parent?
Wondering if you did something wrong? Wondering if there is something you didn't do right? Why has this happened to you?
Don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Chances are you're a wonderful parent, and your gay child is going to be a wonderful adult like yourself. Your gay or transgendered child isn't that way because of anything you did, nor anything anyone else did, for that matter.
As science learns more about the origins of homosexuality and transgenderism, it is becoming increasingly clear that these orientations have their origins very early in life. Most gay men and a large number of lesbians will tell you that they knew early in life -- in some cases, awareness of being "different" are among the earliest memories. Some evidence even indicates prenatal influences, even genetic patterns are involved.
The old claim by psychologists that homosexuality indicates a weak father and a domineering mother have long since been disproven by study after study. The only psychologists that still maintain such positions are those who have a hidden agenda -- usually a religious agenda, or a deeply homophobic attitude. Objective science has long since abandoned the idea that parenting styles has any significant influence on homosexual or transgendered orientations.
The most important emotional contribution any parent can make to their childrens' lives is to love them. Like most parents, you've done that, and continue to do so, or you wouldn't be here reading this. And now that you know about your child's orientation, they need your love and support more than ever. That's what this web page is all about -- helping you love your child and giving him or her the support he or she needs.
The laws of just under half of the states in the United States criminalize gay sex to some extent. No laws prohibit the mere status of homosexuality (as is the case in some countries). About half of all other countries criminalize gay sex. Even though the criminalization varies from non-existent all the way to felony, these laws are rarely enforced.
That doesn't mean they are benign. They are often used as an excuse to discriminate. Lesbians and particularly gay men are often told things like, "We don't rent property to unconvicted felons!" Such a declaration can be rather hurting to a young couple looking for an apartment. The same excuse is used to deny employment, service in restaurants, rooms in motels, etc. So these laws are used for evil purposes, even if they aren't enforced. This is why the bigots stubbornly oppose the repeal of these laws, even though they know they aren't being used to put gay people in jail.
As a parent, you should know if anyone does, that your child is fundamentally the good person you raised him or her to be. He or she does not deserve such treatment. For this reason, it is your responsiblilty to your child to work for the repeal of such laws, and see to it that this kind of discrimination is ended.
SHOULD WE TELL THE FAMILY? WHAT ABOUT THE NEIGHBORS?
The decision to tell anyone else really belongs with your child. He or she has an enormous investment in many relationships that could be damaged or destroyed by such revelations, and for his or her own psychological well-being, it is important for him or her to be in control of who is told.
This is often difficult for a parent to realize, but it can often be extremely difficult for a child to tell someone he or she has known most or all of his or her life about such matters, when the very real chance exists that the person being told will reject him or her and refuse any further contact.
Another consideration is the fact that the child may have more experience in dealing with the issue of prejudice and discrimination than you may realize. He or she may have been out to trusted friends for years before you were told. And in so doing, your child may have learned far more about how to handle this kind of revelation than you may suspect.
You cannot make your child be honest, particularly when the consequences can be as devastating as outright rejection. Your child will grow far stronger morally if he or she does this on his or her own, or you make the revelation with his or her permission, than if you simply tell others without asking.
BUT I WANT SOME OBJECTIVE INFORMATION!
The American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association and numerous other professional medical and mental health groups have all issued statements to the effect that homosexuality is a normal human variation, and should not be stigmatized or discriminated against.
For those looking for scientific information...
In May of 1994, Scientific American published a pair of articles on the origins of homosexuality. These discuss the genetic differences that have been noticed in some gay men, as well as the anatomical differences that have been noticed in certain brain structures in gay men. The articles discuss some of the research that has been done on the subject.
The premier book on the subject is probably "The Science of Desire: The Search for the Gay Gene and the Biology of Behavior" by Dean Hamer and Peter Copeland. It discusses in great detail not only their own research, but that of others, and discusses both the strengths and weaknesses of that research.
Another book is "Evidence for a Biological Influence in Male Homosexuality," by Simon LeVay and Dean H. Hamer. It discusses two pieces of evidence, a structure within the human brain and a genetic link, which point to a biological component for male homosexuality.
There are many more books which touch on this subject, some of which are listed on the bottom of this web page.
BUT THE BIBLE SAYS THIS IS A TERRIBLE SIN!
Not so fast... Biblical scholars aren't quite so quick to rush to judgement as are many local preachers and televangelists. Here's what the bible experts have to say.
The whole tone of the bible on the subject of homosexuality has been misconstrued. The ancients weren't anywhere near as concerned about it as modern interpreters imagine.
About Sodom and Gommorah...
The prophet Ezekiel discusses at some length the sins of Sodom, and makes it clear that the sin of sodom wasn't homosexuality, it was inhospitality towards travelers from the desert (Ezek. 16:48-50). That this was the interpretation of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah held by Jesus is clear (Matthew 10:14-15, Mark 6:11, Luke 10:11-12); in using Sodom as an example in these scriptures, Jesus is making reference to the interpretation of the event by Ezekiel. Some versions of the bible even have Jesus quote Ezekiel in this context.
An excellent book on this whole topic is "What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality", by Daniel A. Helminiak, PhD. (ordering information in the bibliography section)
Check the bibliography for others, and if you're really interested, check the bibliography on the bible and homosexuality.
Gay people in the bible
Gay people see themselves portrayed positively in several places in the bible. In the Old Testament, the entire book of Ruth is one of the most beautiful stories of love between two women that has ever been written. How ironic it is that many passages from this beautiful scripture have been used over the years in heterosexual marriage ceremonies!
The story of David and Johnathan in the book of I Samuel is also a beautiful gay love story (I Samuel 19:1 through 23:29). In it, each shows the committment and sacrifice for each other that every gay couple has experienced and can instantly recognize.
Even Jesus was unquestionably aware of homosexuality, and yet there is no record that he ever condemned it. In at least one instance, he praised the faith of a gay man! In the original Greek version of the beautiful story of Jesus healing the centurion's servant (Matthew 8:5-13, Luke 7:2-10), the words used to describe the centurion's companion isn't "servant" at all. They translate accurately as "beloved boy," a phrase that clearly connotes the common practice at the time of older gay men or gay men in positions of authority keeping younger men as their lovers and partners.
BUT ISN'T HOMOSEXUALITY AN UNNATURAL PERVERSION?
Homosexuality is a normal part of human behavior, apparently biological in origin, and can't be changed. It appears with about the same frequency in all cultures. Homosexuality is more about love than it is about sex.
The hatemongers out there would love to have us believe that homosexuals are all perverted sex addicts, out to destroy every vestige of family life and childhood innocence. The reality is quite different.
Being gay isn't about sex as much as it is about love. Being gay means loving persons of the same sex. For most gay men and lesbians, sex is an adjunct to love, just like it is for most heterosexuals.
Why should love between two consenting persons be considered wrong?
Simply being gay does not mean there is an overwhelming drive to have sex as often as possible, nor is there any drive to have sex with children or with the unwilling. Such notions come from another age, when nothing was known about homosexuality other than rumor and stereotypes. Yet it is surprising how often those notions are still presented as fact.
A few years ago, the American Psychological Association undertook a study to find out just how common pedophilia is among gay men. The results of the study indicated that it was actually less common among gay men than among hetersexual men matched for age and background. The result was so startling that they redesigned the study and did it again -- with the same result! So it's true! Gay men are not any more likely to be pedophiles than are heterosexual men!
Homosexuality is quite natural, too. It is cross-cultural, meaning that it appears with about the same frequency in all cultures. How those cultures handle it, of course varies substantially. Many Native American cultures celebrated it -- and considered it a great spiritual gift, even making great spiritual leaders of their gay men. Even today, there are many cultures around the world where it is considered quite normal and natural.
Our response to homosexuality and transgenderism in this culture is the result simply of cultural influences. Many other cultures, greatly admired by our own (such as the ancient Greeks for example), were highly supportive of their gay, lesbian and transgendered members. Our own discrimination against the homosexuals in our midst says more about us than about others!
I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH MY CHILD BEING GAY. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME!
Are you sure? Here are some questions to ask yourself. If you answer them honestly, it will reveal to you just how accepting you really are.
Being supportive of your child requires accepting your child fully. If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then you've flunked the acceptance test and have got some homework to do. Your assignment is to check out PFLAG, an organization set up with the idea that parents who've been where you are now are the best people to help you understand what your child's homosexuality is really all about.
WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON IN MY CHILD'S MIND?
If your child came out voluntarily, your child had a lot to consider before coming out to you. If you'd like to gain some insight into what your child was considering, read What You Should Know Before You Come Out To Your Parents, The following brochure was written by the parents of gay children who have already been where you are now.
Read The "Coming Out" Page Before Coming Out to your Parents
MY CHILD COULD'T POSSIBLY BE GAY. HE DOESN'T FIT THE IMAGE!
Don't count on it. You'd be surprised at who's gay!
Many gay people live "in the closet" all their lives and never tell anyone except their lovers.
Read Nancy Lampkin Olsen's story of her son's coming out, and how it has affected their relationship. Now that gay people are coming out of the closet, the old stereotypes are slowly breaking down. People are discovering that people they had known all their lives are gay, whom they had never suspected. Read Laura Siegel's story and learn how she has become a champion for her son.
DOES THIS MEAN MY CHILD IS GOING TO BE WILDLY FLAMBOYANT, OFFENDING EVERYONE I KNOW?
THIS IS AWFUL! IT MEANS MY KID'S GOING TO LIVE A LONELY, MISERABLE LIFE!
There are many books about the lives of gay, lesbian and transgendered people.
BUT I'LL NEVER HAVE ANY GRANDCHILDREN!
THE OPTIONS FOR LESBIAN COUPLES
Child welfare agencies, even when they are homophobic, realize that placing a child in the home of a gay or lesbian couple has to be more nurturing for the child than an endless succession of foster homes or life on the streets. So many, if not most states now allow lesbian couples to adopt children. Nearly all states allow lesbian couples to act as foster parents.
I'M DESPERATE TO TALK TO SOMEBODY!
You're in luck! There is a wonderful, loving support organization for people in just your situation, and there's most likely a chapter near you.
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, known as PFLAG, is an organization that was put together by parents who have been through what you are going through, for the purpose of supporting parents and family members in just your situation. www.pflag.org/
If there isn't one (or even if there is), consider joining PFLAG's unofficial "virtual chapter"here on the Internet.
There's no substitute for talking things over with a parent whose been there before you. PFLAG will go a long way towards easing your fears and addressing your concerns. Give it a try!
PFLAG NH Newsletter
(the newsletter used to be monthly but is now
quarterly)
Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays NH
PO Box 485
Winnisquam NH 03289
Office: 603-528-6175
Helpline: 1-800-750-2524
Email: admin@pflagnh.org
Chapters: North Country, Lakes Region, Plymouth,
Seacoast, Concord, Upper Valley.
WE WANT YOU TO ... JOIN THE PFLAG NH BOARD!
When: 3rd Tuesday of each Month from 6:30-8:30 PM
Where: South Congregational Church, Concord NH
Why: To enhance and support many lives, most
especially, the lives of your GLBT friends and family
JOIN THE PFLAG NH BOARD!
To nominate yourself or others, please contact Gordon
Sherman or Gayle Spelman at 1-800-750-2524.
LEAVING A LEGACY BY BY SHEILA DION, PFLAG NH
ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT
We all have the opportunity to make a difference in
the community that our children and grandchildren will
inherit. How would you like to be remembered? Legacy
gifts, or planned gifts, can help you accomplish your
financial goals and at the same time leave a powerful
legacy to help further PFLAG's mission of education,
advocacy and support for GLBT people and their
families. Everyone, regardless of age, needs a legal
will. When you make a will, you ensure that your
wishes are respected.
• Without a will, you lose control over your property;
• Without a will, the government decides on the
distribution of your possessions and savings;
• With a will, the taxes on your estate will be
minimized, reducing the burden on your loved ones;
• Having a will is a sign of concern for loved ones.
It is simple to make a planned gift in your will,
trust, or other estate plan that continues your
commitment to PFLAG NH. Charitable gift planning
allows you to take advantage of favorable federal and
state tax laws and in many cases you can reduce
transfer taxes including gift and estate taxes. You
can give to PFLAG NH with a bequest through your will
or revocable living trust or by naming PFLAG NH as a
beneficiary of your bank account, retirement and
pension plan or insurance policy. Legacy gifts are one
of the most significant demonstrations of commitment
to the community that an individual can make. If you
would like to have direct involvement in furthering
PFLAG's mission of education, advocacy and support of
New Hampshire's GLBT community for generations to
come, please consider a legacy gift.
PFLAG NH RECEIVES GRANT
The NH Charitable Foundation has awarded PFLAG NH a
$4000.00 grant to support project and administrative
costs for our Speakers' Bureau and Safe Schools
Project. We want to thank NHCF for believing in our
cause and helping to further our mission of education,
advocacy and support for the families of GLBT people.
In 2002, PFLAG NH applied for a three year grant of
$5000.00 per year from NHCF. We received a one year
grant of $5000.00 with the condition that if we
increased our membership by 10 - 15%, we could apply
again in 2003. Thanks to you, our members, we met and
exceeded that amount by 28%! The State Council wants
to thank each and every-one of you who supports PFLAG
NH with your volunteerism, membership dues and
donations. Without your support, we could not do the
work we do on behalf of your GLBT loved ones.
2004 Membership Form for Renewal or New Members
Membership: Includes Chapter, State and National PFLAG
Dues.
$35 Family/Partnership
$25 Single
$10 Newsletter Only
Additional Contribution $_____________
NAME
TELEPHONE (optional)
ADDRESS
ZIP
Chapter Affiliation (please circle one):
Keene
Concord
Plymouth
Seacoast
North Country
Lakes Region
Upper Valley
Please make check payable to: PFLAG NH
Mail to PFLAG NH, PO Box 485, Winnisquam, NH 03289
Please send me the PFLAG NH E-news. My email address
is:
Confidentiality: The PFLAG NH Mailing List is
confidential and is never shared with any other
organizations. Everything PFLAG NH sends comes in a
plain envelope with only a return address. If you
prefer not to receive the National PFLAG mailings,
which do come with the PFLAG logo on the envelope, let
us know.:
PFLAG NH BOARD
President: Roberta Barry
Vice Presidents: Carol Perkins & Margie Lindsley
Secretary: Gayle Spelman
Treasurer: Cheryl Elliott
Lisa Hartley: Derry
Kit Carter: Lancaster
Gordon Sherman: Francestown
Duncan McInnes: Durham
BarbieAnn Rounds: W. Lebanon
Anne Boedecker – Concord
Ursula Kneissl – Concord
Sandy Conley – Seacoast
Paula Spink - Laconia
Administrative Assistant: Sheila Dion
NE REGIONAL DIRECTOR
Peg Gage: Exeter – 603-772-2113
PFLAG NATIONAL OFFICE
1726 M Street NW, Suite 400 Washington, DC 20036
202 467 8180 ext. 226
rschlittler@pflag.org
www.pflag.org
Newsletter Editor: David Pendleton, P.O. Box 203,
Lancaster, NH 03584 – Email: dpend@ncia.net
PFLAG NH ON THE WEB at www.pflagnh.org
INFORMATION: PFLAG NH is a non-profit 501©(3)
organization. Dues and contributions are
tax-deductible. PFLAG NH, an affiliate of PFLAG
(Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays), is
dedicated to the preservation of families in loving
relationships, to educating an ill-informed public
about homosexuality, and to the attainment of full
civil rights for gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and
transgender people and their families. Parents,
children and friends are all welcome at our meetings.
MONTHLY MEETINGS: All are welcome to join in the
support and discussions with facilitators, programs
and speakers. People participate as much or as little
as they wish. All information is kept confidential.
Anyone reluctant to speak before others may arrange
for a private discussion.
Plymouth: 2 nd Tuesdays from 7-9 pm, Plymouth
Congregational Church. 536-3823.
Seacoast: 1 st Tuesdays, 7-9 pm, Stratham Community
Church, Stratham. 772-5196.
North Country: 3 rd Mondays, 7-9 pm, Congregational
Church, Lancaster. 788-5584.
Lakes Region: 2 nd Sunday, 6:30-8:30 pm, UU Society,
172 Pleasant St., Laconia. 528-1714.
Keene: 1 st Tuesdays, 7-9 pm, St. James Church, 44
West St., Keene. 355-1040.
Concord: 3 rd Sundays, 3-5 pm, First Congregational
Church. Washington and North Main St., Concord.
428-3127.
Upper Valley: 2 nd Mondays, 7-9 pm, Dartmouth
Hitchcock Medical Center, Auditorium A, Lebanon NH.
298-5874
OTHER ORGANIZATIONS
Straight Spouse Support Network
In Southwest NH call Jane: 413 625-6033
In Southeast NH call Ann: 603 895-2216
Seacoast area call Duncan: 603 868-3441
GAY, LESBIAN AND STRAIGHT EDUCATION NETWORK (GLSEN)
Lakes Region (603) 968-8656 lrnhglsen@hotmail.com
Southwest NH (603) 878-4361 glsenswnh@yahoo.com
culliton@jlc.net
PFLAG NH Helpline: 800-750-2524, (603) 528-6175,
admin@pflagnh.org
To speak with someone now, please don’t hesitate to
call for information or support between meetings. In
NH area:
Cy/Gordon – Monadnock 547-2545
Carol – Plymouth 536-3823
Betty – Stratham 772-5196
Paula/Don – Laconia 528-1714
Nancy – Nashua 880-8709
Nora – Kensington 772-3893
Jean/John – Keene 355-1040
David – Lancaster 603 788 5584
Family Resource Connection Library: 1-800-298-4321 or
http://webster.state.nh.us/nhsl/frc
Books & videos on GLBT issues and other issues
concerning families, mailed free of charge with return
postage.
PFLAG TRANSGENDER NETWORK: Lisa – 434-0888 or email
ollatw@aol.com
SUPPORT FOR TEENS
G/LEARN - Hanover: 802 296-3858
Headrest Teenline - 800 639-6095
Trevor GLBT Teenline - 800-850-8078
Outright Groups: A safe place for GLBT teens age 21
and under. Discussion, support, info, friendship and
programs:
Concord: ask for Martha 224-2407
Nashua: 889-8210
Seacoast: 431-1013
Manchester: 537-7004
Vermont: 800 452-2428
SUPPORT FOR ADULTS
Gay Info Line : 224-1686
Capital Gay Men: 224-6884
Seacost Gay Men: 430-4052
Women Meeting Women: 883-9969
Headrest Crisis Line: 800 639-6095
HIV/AIDS SUPPORT
Family HIV 653-1492
ACORN AIDS Service Org. 448-8887
Merrimack Valley AIDS Project 226-0607
So. NH HIV/AIDS Task Force 595-8464
AIDS Response Seacoast 433-5377
AIDS Service Monadnock 800-639-7903
Gr. Manchester AIDS Project 623-0710
PFLAG NH’s work is supported in part by the NH
Charitable Foundation, the Durum Fund, the Jocelyn F.
Gutchess Fund, the Rogers Family Trust for the Lakes
Region, the Greater Piscataqua Community Foundation,
the Alces Fund, the Chicago Resource Center, and the
Haymarket People’s Fund.
WHAT ABOUT AIDS?
This is the bad news. But there's hope. Here are some grim statistics (for 1999) from the Center for Disease Control, the U.S. government's primary public health agency dealing with this epidemic: Adolescent gay men are infected with the virus at a rate approximately three times that of the straight population (though heterosexuals are catching up fast). In urban areas of the United States, between 5 and 8 percent of all adolescents are infected with the virus that causes AIDS. And AIDS is now the leading cause of death of young men between the ages of 25 and 44. It beats out cancer, traffic accidents, handgun violence and all other infectious diseases.
Your child doesn't have to be part of this grim reality. Here's what you can do to prevent it:
SPECIAL HELP FOR TRANSGENDERED.
Being transgendered creates a special set of unique problems for your child. Here are some resources.
First, it's really helpful to understand what being transgendered means. If you're a typical parent, you probably have lots of questions about your transgendered child you haven't any idea how to go about getting answered. Well, you're in luck!
The kind folks at PFLAG have put together a special place on the web just for the transgendered. It has some really helpful stuff, and it's evolving all the time, so check it often.
ARE THERE SOME BOOKS I CAN READ?
Yes. Tons of them. Here's a list to help you get started, and you can obtain most of them from major book stores or on Amazon.com.
BOOKS FOR PARENTS, SUPPORTERS AND CAREGIVERS, OF SEXUAL MINORITY YOUTH
All books listed here can be purchased from Amazon.com.http://www.amazon.com
SUPPORT FOR PARENTS NEWLY OUT
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Is It A Choice? Answers to 300 Most Asked Questions About Gay And Lesbian People by Eric Marcus. This book is a godsend to parents whose children have just come out to them. Many report that it "seems like it was written just for me," in the words of one Amazon.com reader. It's a great starting point, especially if you've just gotten the news and have a ton of questions. |
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Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark, Ph.D. is easily the best single book I can recommend. Sensitively written by a gay psychologist who has worked with gay people as well as their parents and family for many years, this book is guaranteed to bring many a tear of recognition to your eyes with its many heart-felt stories and examples. If you buy no other book, this should be the one. Originally written over thirty years ago, it has been through many editions and is still in print after all these years - enduring testimony to its timeless value. |
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My Child Is Gay by Bryce McDougall, editor. This is a collection of stories written by parents about the experiences they faced in coming to terms with the revelation that they had a gay son or daughter. As one parent put it, "It brought me great comfort to know other parents went through the same kinds of feelings I did. I cried and yes laughed a little with each new story." A terrific companion to Loving Someone Gay (see book above). |
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Beyond Acceptance by Griffin, Wirth and Wirth. This is a book that will help to understand the experiences your child is having in dealing with the world. It's about as good as it gets for not having been there yourself. It will also help you understand what you can do to help make the world a better place for your child. |
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Straight Parents, Gay Children by Robert A. Bernstein, is by the parent of a lesbian, who describes in great detail, and a very open and honest manner, his thought-processes as he went through the various stages of grief, shock, anger, acceptance and advocacy in understanding his own daughter. It will help you appreciate what you can expect as the parent of a gay child. |
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Joining The Tribe: Growing Up Gay And Lesbian in the 90's by Linnea A. Due, is a book that can really help a parent understand what it is for a gay youth to be coming out in contemporary society. Recommended highly to help you get inside your child's mind. |
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Lesbian and Gay Youth: Care and Counseling by Caitlin Ryan and Donna Futterman is the book that the high schools would use as a manual for health education and the counseling of gay youth if they really cared. But they don't, so it's up to you as a parent, counselor or other caregiver. It's chock full of practical advice for the caregivers of gay youth, whether parents, counselors or psychologists.
BOOKS ABOUT GAYS AND RELIGION |
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Stranger At The Gate by Rev. Mel White. This is the deeply moving autobiography of a man who, as a speechwriter and film maker for most of the great luminaries of the evangelical movement, struggled with his own homosexuality until he had a powerful spiritual experience that taught him that God loved him in spite of his being gay. |
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The New Testament and Homosexuality by Robin Scroggs is a title that bounces around seminaries and schools of divinity a lot - because it is probably the most thorough treatment of its subject that is still in print. It's one that is suitable for the serious Bible student, but is accessible to the general reader as well. Many report that it has demonstrated to them that popular interpretations of New Testament scriptures relating to homosexuality are simply incorrect, and the Bible isn't unfriendly to gays at all. |
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What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel Helminiak, Ph.D., is a book whose title accurately describes the contents: written for those concerned about Biblical scripture that would seem to condemn homosexuality, Helminiak, a Biblical scholar himself, shows clearly that, of widely quoted scriptures (particularly in Romans and Leviticus), the usual interpretations are simply wrong! |
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Openly Gay, Openly Christian: How The Bible Is Really Gay Friendly by Rev. Samuel Kader. This book is for you if you're having trouble accepting your child's being gay and Christian at the same time. Many people have had their faith shored up and saved by this book. |
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The Church And The Homosexual by John J. McNeil, is a book for you to give your minister or any theologian who finds himself dealing with gay people. A book of thoroughgoing scholarship, it has turned around the attitude of many a minister and student of theology. Written in an easily accessible style, yet well-documented and thoroughly researched, it has stood the test of serious scholarly review and criticism for years.
BOOKS SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN IN FAMILIES WITH GAY YOUTH |
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The Sissy Duckling by Harvey Fierstein is one of the very rare resources useful for explaining the gay experience to younger children, ages five through eight. Based loosely on the Hans Christian Anderson fairytale, it is lushly illustrated and follows the antics of "Elmer" the sissy duckling, and what he goes through at school and on the playground. An excellent resource for answering young children that are asking questions you find difficult to explain. Useful as well for teaching sensitivity to young children who have a tendency to bully playmates.
BOOKS SUITABLE FOR GAY YOUTH |
Fiction
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Am I Blue? Coming Out From The Silence edited by Marion Dane Bauer. Originally published in 1994, this classic colletion of short stories is still current in its themes and the issues it presents. Offers insightful answers to problems facing gay and lesbian youth, presenting them in an entertaining manner. A great collection and a wonderful read. It's a terrific introduction to gay youth literature. |
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Deliver Us From Evie by M. E. Kerr, is a classic novel about a lesbian teen who faces the intolerance of a rejecting Christian farm family in the Midwestern U.S. It's a lesbian love story that doesn't end in the usual disaster - no car crashes, no sin, no victims. It is just a fast-paced story that is gripping in its emotional appeal to young lesbians. A classic originally published in 1994. |
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Rainbow Boys by Robert Sanchez is an important new novel that touches on the problems (and in many cases, solutions) to the problems that young gay men face in coming out in today's society. Yet the novel is well drawn, and it will pull the reader into the lives and drama of the characters' dilemmas. It's a great read, not just for gay youth but straight youth as well, who are supportive and want to understand how their gay friends are forced to deal with life. |
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Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden is one of the great classics of gay youth literature (originally published in 1982). Sweetly sensitive, yet realistic, it helps young lesbians understand and reaffirm their feelings and reinforce their self-worth. This book got great reviews when it was first released, and its value and deep appeal has stood the test of time - one of those rare books that remains so popular it is still in print twenty years after it was first published. |
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Substitute For Love by Karen Kallmaker. This book about a young lesbian, closeted to herself as well as the world, discovering love in her first real romance to another young woman. It talks about the struggles that discovery will inevitably cause. It was nominated for several awards, and rightly so - destined to become a classic in its own right. |
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Metes and Bounds by Jay Quinn, is an unusual novel about a young gay country boy from the midwest who discovers himself amidst the world of surfers and sea, construction sites and surfing piers in North Carolina. Told in the first person, like someone living it would really tell it, it's a story that gay men can really identify with - and that makes it particularly gripping for young gay men. |
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At Swim, Two Boys: A Novel by Jamie O'Neil was a book subject to a great deal of controversial hype when it was first published, but the hype was surprisingly well deserved. This book is a historical novel, of two Irish teens discovering themselves and their love for each other on the beaches of Ireland in 1915, set against the background of the violence and disruption of the Easter Uprising of Dublin in that year. |
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Dream Boy by Jim Grimsley, is a very unusual novel. Written in a dreamy, almost detached style, it is the story of two teens struggling to painfully acknowledge their homosexuality as they hang on to their love for each other while their families and their lives fall apart around them. The book asks questions that encourage deep thinking about issues such as religion, child abuse, family and societal tolerance. |
L&G parents support group
begins 10/28, Portsmouth, NH
From: kkriegl@communitycampus.org
Famillies First is sponsoring a support group for
lesbian and
gay parents. The group will meet monthly on the
fourth Tuesday
from 6:00 to 7:30 PM at the Community Campus in
Portsmouth,
NH. Child care will be provided. The first meeting
is Oct. 28. FMI:
603-422-8208 (Press2) or
http://www.FamiliesFirstSeacoast.org.
www.pflag.org/
www.critpath.org
Manchester Outright is a nonprofit organization established to provide direct and indirect support to and enhance the positive development of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth in the greater Manchester area. The purpose of Manchester Outright is to provide supportive activities, community education, and to foster awareness regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth issues.
Manchester Outright support meetings are held every Tuesday evening from 7-9pm at the Unitarian Church located at 669 Union Street, Manchester, NH (Manchester Outright is NOT affiliated with the Unitarian Church). There is no membership or admission required – any youth under age 22 are welcome – trained adult facilitators are always present.
If you would like more information please contact Manchester Outright at P.O. Box 492, Manchester, NH 03105. We are always looking for additional facilitators and welcome new board members.
Email us at: http://manchesteroutright@yahoo.com
WANTED:
ADULTS WHO CARE ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELL BEING OF TODAY'S GLBTQ YOUTH!
Manchester Outright is currently accepting applications from adults, over 25 years old, to become group facilitators. Facilitators monitor the meetings to maintain a safe environment for the youth to be, share, learn and have fun.
If you are interested, please call Manchester Outright at 537-7004 or email us at manchesteroutright@yahoo.com.
