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Memorable Quotes
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that.... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio Dante: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio Dante: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher: It's like marriage counseling?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.
Carmela Soprano: You know, Ma, your son loves you very much. He worries all the time. And he felt bad that you didn't come to the open house. I don't care if you think it's disrespectful, but I want you to cut the drama. It's killing Tony.
Livia Soprano: What are you talking about?
Carmela Soprano: I'm talking about this. This "poor mother, nobody loves me" victim crap. It is textbook manipulation. And I hate seeing Tony so upset over it. I know how to talk to people. I am a mother too, don't forget. You know the power that you have. And you use it like a pro.
Livia Soprano: Power? What power? I don't have power. I'm a shut-in.
Carmela Soprano: You're bigger than life. You are his mother. I don't think for one second that you don't know what you're doing to him.
Livia Soprano: Who me? Me? What did I do?
Meadow Soprano: Are you in the Mafia?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Am I in the what?
Meadow Soprano: Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's total crap, who told you that?
Meadow Soprano: Dad, I've lived in the house all my life. I've seen the police come with warrants. I've seen you going out at three in the morning.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?
Meadow Soprano: Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive. And you're the last person I would want to perpetuate it.
Meadow Soprano: Fine. There is no Mafia.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright look, Mead, you're a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?
Meadow Soprano: At least you don't keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it's actually kinda neat.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: They seen The Godfather, right?
Meadow Soprano: Not really. "Casino" we like, Sharon Stone, the 70's clothes, pills ...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.
Meadow Soprano: Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like... Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, and I'm not.
Meadow Soprano: You finally told the truth about this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market ...
Meadow Soprano: Look, Dad, please, okay? Don't start mealy-mouthing.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: What, no fucking ziti?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when you asked me what Irina's cousin had, that you don't have? Well, I thought about it, 'cause it's a good fucking question. And I figured out that it's not that you're not sexy. No, you didn't lose that. I realized that she actually had something to say.
Carmela Soprano: I'm here, Tony! I have things to say!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Things other than bring the chairs in! She was a grown woman who was kicked around. She's a woman who had to struggle and didn't bitch and moan.
Carmela Soprano: Unlike me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Carmela Soprano: Well, let me ask you a question, Tony. Who the fuck wanted it like this? This fucking house, and...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Bullshit! For 20 fucking years all you did was fiddle with the air conditioning and bitch! And bitch, and bitch, and bitch to me!
Carmela Soprano: Well, well, well. It looks like all this time you wanted Tracy and Hepburn. Well let me ask you a question, Tony. What about all the other pigs you had your dick in? The strippers, the cocktail waitresses, were they all your best pals too? You fucking hypocrite.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: The world really went downhill, since 9/11. You know, Quasimodo predicted all of this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who did what?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: You know, the middle east. The end of the world.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus. Quasimodo's the hunchback of Notre Dame.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Oh, right. Notredamus.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus and Notre Dame, that's two things different completely.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: It's interesting that they'd be so similar, though. You know, I always thought "Ok, you got the hunchback of Notre Dame. But you also got your quarterback and your headback of Notre Dame".
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Notre Dame's a fucking cathedral!
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Obviously, I know. I'm just saying. It's interesting, the coincidences. What, you're gonna tell me you never pondered that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No!
[The dean of a college that Meadown is applying to is asking Tony for a 10000$ donation]
Carmela Soprano: I think you should pay him, Tony.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No fucking way.
Carmela Soprano: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 10000 dollars?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down.
Carmela Soprano: No, he's not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?
[Tony can't get a Hasidic jew to give up his restaurant, so he calls Hesh.]
Hesh Rabkin: Yeah.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm here with my non-shellfish eating friend. I gotta tell you something, I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason.
Hesh Rabkin: Didn't I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you to keep away from those fanatics?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's leaving me no options. This guy's willing to go down with the ship like no man I've ever seen.
Hesh Rabkin: Here's a thought... Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth, I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? Oh. That's a fucking brilliant idea.
Hesh Rabkin: Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
[hangs up]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Paulie! Get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Federal marshals are so far up my ass I can taste Brylcreem.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got any idea what my life would be worth if certain people found out I checked into a laughing academy?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it a... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why don't you kick me in the fuckin' head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know what you're going through must be painful.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This shit isn't painful. It's empty... dead.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.
[Tony *did* destroy Artie's restaurant, but his mother just tried to have him killed]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I didn't touch your place Artie, I swear on my mother.
Carmela Soprano: Act like a good Catholic for fifteen fucking minutes. Is that so much to ask?
[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.
[Tony describes a dream he had about a common acquaintance]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm doing her doggy-style, and I finish, you know. And her big ass is... look, we don't have time for this shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's interesting that you would say a big ass, 'cause Jean is quite slender.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We've got bigger things to talk about than Jean Cusamano's ass.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like feelings of worthlessness sparked by your mother's plot to have you killed?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you ever had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Are you kidding? I don't let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Log off, that "cookies" shit makes me nervous!
Meadow Soprano: [on the phone] Is dad there?
Carmela Soprano: He's out back by the grill.
Meadow Soprano: Burning a cross?
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: How much White Castle did you have?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: I had none. I swear.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: I can SMELL it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're looking good. Looking better.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That can be arranged.
Adriana La Cerva: I love you, Chris.
Christopher Moltisanti: You better!
[After Matthew Bevilaqua tries to clean up cheese from Silvo Dante, and Silvio goes ballistic]
Matthew Bevilaqua: I'm just trying to clean the cheese from your feet.
Silvio Dante: Why now? Huh? Leave the fucking cheese alone. I stick mother fuckin' provolone in my socks every night so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Now get out of here!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Chris Multasanti] You may not love me but you will respect me!
[Jimmy Altieri has just been whacked for wearing a wire]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Altieri's wake is tonight.
Christopher: I phoned in a bomb scare.
[While playing hearts]
Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiro: I've eaten more queens than Launcelot.
Carmela Soprano: Now, you liked Jackie; so you don't want to believe that he did this to himself. So, like a lot of other people you go around looking for boogey men to blame- boogey men with Italian names.
[Uncle Junior just told Tony he had a mentally handicapped uncle]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I remember my mother and my mother arguing about... something, I don't know. I remember her talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I thought she meant you
Christopher Moltisanti: [talking about Jon Favreau] "Swingers"! He can suck my dick! It swings, too!
Christopher Moltisanti: This is "Scarface", final scene, bazookas under each arm, "say hello to my little friend!"
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Anthony is a cunt hair away from owning all Northern Jersey - and I am that cunt hair.
Carmela Soprano: He's
[Tony's]
Carmela Soprano: a good man. He's a good father.
Dr. Krakower: You tell me he's a depressed criminal, prone to anger, serially unfaithful. Is that your definition of a good man?... You must trust your initial impulse and consider leaving him. You'll never be able to feel good about yourself. You'll never be able to quell the feelings of guilt and shame that you talked about, so long as you're his accomplice.
Carmela Soprano: You're wrong about the accomplice part, though.
Dr. Krakower: You sure?
Carmela Soprano: All I did was make sure he's got clean clothes in his closet and dinner on his table.
Dr. Krakower: So "enable" would be a more accurate job description for what you do than "accomplice". My apologies.... Take only the children--what's left of them--and go.
Carmela Soprano: My priest said I should work with him, help him to become a better man.
Dr. Krakower: How's that going? ...
Carmela Soprano: I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support.
Dr. Krakower: You're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money. You can't either. One thing you can never say: You haven't been told.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A wrong decision is better than indecision.
Silvio Dante: You're only as good as your last envelope.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: To the victor goes the spoils!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Now, get the fuck outta here before I shoved that quotation book up your fat fucking ass!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You wanna talk rules? You wanna talk all that old-school bullshit? Then remember this rule: I am the motherfuckin'-fuckin' one who calls the shots!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
[Tony disapproves of Meadow's new boyfriend because he is black]
Carmela Soprano: If you want her to be with him, just keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not if I cut off those arms.
Ariel: For 2 years, 900 jews held their own against 15000 Roman Soldiers, in the Massada. They wouldn't give up. Where are the Romans now, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're looking at them, asshole.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.
Christopher Moltisanti: Get the fuck out of here.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: So that's a crack 'ho.
[Matt is tied down and has just finished being interrogated by Tony]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: See if we got something to drink. So what can I get you? You want a Fanta, something like that?
[Matt takes a sip]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How is that? I mean, you sure you want a diet drink? You don't want something with some sugar in it?
Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiro: There's only diet.
Matthew Bevilaqua: It's good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You finished?
Matthew Bevilaqua: Thank you, t.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: 'Cause that sugarless motherfucker, it's the last fucking drink you're ever gonna have!
[shoots him]
[Tony and Christopher are dragging a dismembered body through the woods.]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You gotta stop with that drug shit. You got your whole future ahead of you.
[Chris and Paulie just botched a hit on a Russian gangster, and are lost in the woods. They call Tony, and get a bad reception.]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Listen to me, this guy was a Russian green beret. He was in the ministry of the interior or something. He single-handedly killed 16 Chechen rebels. Be fucking careful.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: All right.
[hangs up]
Christopher Moltisanti: What did he say?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: He said the guy killed 16 Czechoslovakians, and he was an interior decorator.
Christopher Moltisanti: Interior decorator? His appartment looked like shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, the language! Do you blow your father with that mouth?
[Christopher is stoned]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I called you here, 'cause I got something to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna rely on you more and more, 'cause you're the only one I can fully trust. Syl and Paulie... they're old friends, but you're one thing they're not.
Christopher Moltisanti: What's that, T?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Blood. You're gonna lead this family into the 21st century.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, Tony, technically we're already in the 21st century...
[Tony looks at him, confused]
Christopher Moltisanti: Forget about it. You won't regret this, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, there's this Russian woman. She told me something that's very true. She said, only here, in America, do we expect to be happy. I mean this woman, she had a terrible leg disease since she was 9. She was dirt poor. She's getting on with her life. I mean, over here, we come and we bitch to shrinks. I mean, what the fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, part of that may be true. But, who said that after getting out of the dirt and the poverty, do we have to stop looking for truth and happiness.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Truth and happiness? Come on, I'm a fat fucking crook from New Jersey. What truth and happiness?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Once you enter this family, there's no getting out.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Listen to me, the only reason I did this is because you're my nephew, and I love you. If it were anybody else, they would've gotten that intervention through the back of their fucking head.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I were you, I would seriously consider salads!
[Leaves]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Why won't you take a look in a mirror, you insensitive fuck!
[A union leader won't go along with one of the Sopranos' schemes. Bobby is sent to fix the situation.]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: How's it going? You're the head of the union aren't you?
Union Leader: Yeah, I am. Who are you?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Just a casual observer. You know, I've been following the situation, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't make much sense to me. I mean you recently got an offer, for a lot of money. And, if you don't get paid, you can't feed your family. I presume you got a family. I'm a family man myself, and I gotta tell you I'd rather take two shots to the back of the fucking head than not be able to feed my family.
[makes a gun with his hand and points it to the back of his own head]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: One... Two... To the back of the head. You think about that.
[About Christopher]
Richie Aprile: The attitude on that camel-nose fuck. He ever lays his hand on my niece again I'm gonna tear him apart piece by piece.
Matthew Bevilaqua: Camel nose! You can't make that shit up.
Richie Aprile: What the fuck are you talking about? I just did. Did you ever notice he's the only motherfucker who can smoke a cigarette in the rain with his hands tied behind his back? That nose is like a natural canopy.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, I don't think it's gonna happen. I mean I've heard the guy's opinion on giving back pieces of Israel. Who the fuck knows what he's gonna say about this shit.
[about Massive G, a gansta rapper]
Christopher Moltisanti: Who the fuck does he think he is? O.G.? Original Gangster? All he fucking does is talk! I'm the fucking Original Gangster! The guy's got a house in the Hamptons. Alec Baldwin comes over. Whitney Houston comes over. What the fuck do I got? I sit outside a fucking pork store!
Teittleman: Mr. Soprano, he hit my daughter. You have a daughter, right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, I do.
Teittleman: What would you do if someone hit your daughter.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'd go talk to him...
Silvio Dante: With a ball peen hammer.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are things?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Good. I had a real good week. Friend of mine's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise I'm having a good week.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's he in for?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First they thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this and that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You worried about him?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jackie? Jackie's so fucking mean, he'll scare that cancer away.
[In the nursing home, where his mother lives]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I don't understand. All the money I put in this place, and my mother is getting picked on by the others. I want it stopped.
Nursing home supervisor: You'll have to excuse these girls. Sometimes they think it's a high school with wheelchairs.
Christopher Moltisanti: Adriana, I want you to marry me. I got you a ring, and everything...
[shows her the ring]
Adriana's mother: There was a robbery at Tiffany's, this morning! I bet you there's pieces of broken glass in it!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio Dante: Oh, yeah.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How long did it take for the guy to come?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.
Christopher Moltisanti: I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Tony, please, for my father.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The warranty on his death certificate expired two weeks ago. Your bullshit expired along with it!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My god.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What, your dad never cut off anybody's pinkie?
Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi: The Soprano family has always been a little pushy.
Carmine Lupertazzi: Family? They're a glorified crew!
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Whatever they are, Carmine, they make us a lot of money.
Jimmy Altieri: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher Moltisanti: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.
[Paulie and Christopher chase Mikey into the woods, until he finally twists his ankle and falls]
Mikey Palmice: Please, please, come on! No!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuckin' poison ivy all over me.
Christopher Moltisanti: My friend Brendan, you shot him in the bathtub, naked. No chance to run.
Mikey Palmice: I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior! He fucking hated that kid!
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, right. It was Junior. Mr. Magoo!
Federal interrogator: You prefer Corrado or Junior?
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: I prefer mr. Soprano.
Federal interrogator: Your tenure as boss was a short one. Actually, it was unusual in several ways. Let me put this to you as simply as I can. You can avoid sentencing on these charges if you will testify that in fact, you were not the boss of North Jersey, that in fact, your nephew Anthony Soprano was and is. That he de facto controlled your capos with the backing of two of the new york families communicating through their emissary, John Sacrimoni. We want Johnny Sack. But more than him, we want Mangano and Teresi.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: I want to fuck Angie Dickinson, let's see who gets lucky first.
Christopher Moltisanti: Whatever you do, do not engage Silvio in conversation.
Writing coach: Welcome. Why don't you tell the group something about yourself?
Christopher Moltisanti: My name is Chris Maceviti. I work on Wall Street. Not on Wall Street, but you know, stocks.
Writing coach: You write?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah... I want to write for the movies. "Goodfellas", shit like that.
Writing coach: Any special reason you chose this class?
Christopher Moltisanti: I didn't. It's a birthday present from my girlfriend. I had some problems with my screenplay so, I bought that book, "how to write a movie in 21 days". That was like a year ago.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
[about DVD players]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I hear there's not as many titles available as on laser.
Brendan Filone: There's more coming, though.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My internist told me the picture's not that different from laser either.
Brendan Filone: But the sound, way improved.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Good. 'Cause nothing beats popping up some Orville Redenbachers and listening to "men in black".
[Christopher hijacked a truck full of DVD players]
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: For 21 fuckin' years Comley's been putting food on my table, protection money.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher didn't know it was Comley's truck, going in.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano: Bullshit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want my DVD player? You could watch "Grumpy Old Men".
Eduardo Arnaz: We ain't saying shit until there's an attorney present.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Well, go ahead, make a statement.
[sticks a gun in Eduardo's face]
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: I got Jonny fuckin' Cochrane right here for you!
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [to a bunch of latinos] Now, go find a Taco Bell, before I pop a cap in your ass!
Silvio Dante: Chrissie, I hear you're doing good with the gambling.
Christopher Moltisanti: You kidding me? With the money I made, I could go work at Denny's for the rest of my life.
Silvio Dante: Yeah, like they would ever hire you.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, Mikey. How's it going?
Mikey Palmice: Good, Tony. How you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not bad. How's the boy?
Mikey Palmice: What boy is that, Tony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The one you're sleeping with.
[Christopher just got out of drug rehab]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, what step are you at now?
Christopher Moltisanti: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apoligize to all the people I fucked over when I was using.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Juror #9: So, let's keep in touch. Call me when your grandson is born.
Female Juror: When he's born, I wouldn't want to be thinking about you.
[About his father]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The belt was his favorite child development tool.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was very high strung, my mother. Very dramatic. Every night to her was a night at the opera.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Livia Soprano: [to Tony] I could stick this fork in your eye!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That must have been devastating.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it turned out it was no big deal.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To see your father handcuffed, being led away by the police.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: At the time I thought my head was gonna explode. He looked... helpless. When I got home my mother had a different perspective, which made me feel better.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So in her pain she reached out to you.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's one way to put it.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Livia Soprano: Your father may not be home for dinner tonight. Go wash up.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know.
Livia Soprano: What do you know?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I saw him getting arrested. What did he do?
Livia Soprano: He didn't do anything. They just pick on the Italians.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [about his father] He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.
Ralph Cifaretto: [to Jackie Jr.] Your father, god rest his soul, had balls the size of an Irish broad's ass.
[About a truck hijacking]
Brendan Filone: Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm taking a pass.
Brendan Filone: What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!
Christopher Moltisanti: There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?
Brendan Filone: Come on, it's 5:15.
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe one reason things are so fucked up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.
Brendan Filone: Fuck Tony. That's a quote.
Christopher Moltisanti: We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?
Brendan Filone: Hey, coach? Suck my dick.
Christopher Moltisanti: Gimme one good reason I should not jack this truck.
Brendan Filone: Hey, don't feel bad. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again. Taking that outrageous fuckin' tribute? It's like, not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say "Thanks for the hat".
Mikey Palmice: [Points a gun to Brendan's head] Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack.
[shoots him]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Christopher] You leave Comley Trucking and every other fucking item on this planet that belongs to my uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the fuck alone.
Christopher Moltisanti: In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization.
Christopher Moltisanti: So, you're telling me you didn't take cash from Jilly Ruffalo, to kill my father?
Barry Haydu: I never even heard of Jilly Ruffalo.
Christopher Moltisanti: [points a gun at him] Oh, really?
Barry Haydu: Look, whoever told you this, is setting you up. He's lying.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, either way, it wouldn't make any difference.
Barry Haydu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?
Christopher Moltisanti: Because, he wants you dead.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher Moltisanti: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why are you making me do this, you fat, fucking, miserable piece of shit?
Meadow Soprano: My friends don't judge me. And fuck them if they do, I'll cut them off.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: We got any good tequila? You know that acupuncturist down in Puerto Rico? 26... Tell you, this broad, her ass was the second coming. Never wore panties. Brushed her teeth with this shit. Every night she'd drink me under the fucking table. And I'd eat her out when I was down there.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, Puss. Did she even really exist?
[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What do you got?
Christopher Moltisanti: Wet shoes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the fucking Yankees.
Christopher Moltisanti: So, you won't talk about this to anybody?
Black Thug: I got the mouth of a statue, nigga.
Christopher Moltisanti: Of course Tony can count on me! When the fuck have I not been there for him 100%?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Hey, Sil.
Silvio Dante: What?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: "What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.
Silvio Dante: [imitates Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!
[during sex]
Janice 'Parvati' Soprano: How much money did you make today, slut?
Ralph Cifaretto: 300$.
Janice 'Parvati' Soprano: That's not enough. I'm gonna put you back on the street, bitch!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It says, in this book, that Christopher Columbus was a slave trader.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you finally read a book and it's bullshit!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmela, there's something I got to confess- What are you doing?
Carmela Soprano: Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face!
Silvio Dante: My daughter got off on this feminist rant. She told me it's demeaning for a girl to be working at the Bing. The fact that these girls make 1500$ a week has no bearing with my principessa.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: I want you to sanction a hit on Ralph Cifaretto.
Carmine Lupertazzi: Why?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: He violated my wife's honor.
Carmine Lupertazzi: He slept with Ginny?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: No. He insulted her.
Carmine Lupertazzi: What did he say?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Can't you take my word for it?
Carmine Lupertazzi: Not if you want him clipped over it.
[Three of Tony's capos enter a room angrily]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There was a time, Mead, when the Italian people didn't have a lot of options.
Meadow Soprano: You mean like Mario Cuomo?
[Tony stares at her]
Meadow Soprano: Sorry.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know I put food on the table. My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself. To consider myself... A rebel. Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on route 22.
Joanne Moltisanti: When you find him, I want him to suffer! You hear me, Sil? I want that mother fucker in agony!
Silvio Dante: Don't worry. We'll do the best we can.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?... I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?
Adriana La Cerva: Is Tony still actin' all mean?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' asshole. Ever since I questioned his judgment on some Ralphie/Jackie jr. problem. Like he's fuckin' infallible, pope Tony the 23rd or some shit.
Carmela Soprano: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.
Kelli Aprile: Jesus Christ, look at who our father was! My brother wasn't killed by some drug dealer! He was killed by some fat fuck in see-through socks!
Ralphie Cifaretto: I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm gonna pass.
Artie Bucco: Why not?
Ralphie Cifaretto: 'Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: Jennifer, civilization...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh, don't worry, I won't break the social compact. But that's not saying... there isn't a certain satisfaction in knowing that I could have that asshole squashed like a bug... if I wanted!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil, break it down for 'em. What two business have traditionally been recession-proof since time immemorial?
Silvio Dante: Certain aspects of show business and our thing.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: So what was the story with Princess Di? Did the Queen have her whacked?
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