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nerves

People especially when first trialing will complain about being affected by nerves. People tend to get nervous in anticipation of a test that they would like to do well at. The problem is that extreme nervousness often restricts blood flow to the brain causing an otherwise intelligent individual to act like a nimrod. So you see there is a completely logical medical reason as to why you act like a buffoon when you are trialing your dog. So clinically speaking hopefully here are some small bits of advise to help you manage the situation unless you are an Idiot (as per Dr. Henry H.Goddards classification based on the Binot-Simon concept of mental age). Just as a side note Idiots are not allowed to vote several states and I may not be capable of helping you if your voter card was revoked due to stupidity.

We often forget that dogsport is supposed to be fun and we are around our friends. Mistakes are rarely as original as we think them to be. Everyone has made some error in a trial and I believe there is no person that has ever had adverse effects upon their credit rating due to a mistake at a schutzhund trial..

I would like to take a brief moment to categorize

Incidental errors are minor errors that people will get a brief chuckle when being told of after the fact- such as having ones fly open, shoes untied. Usually minor and unnoticed by most spectators.. these errors will make you slightly uncomfortable.

Significant errors are things that can go wrong including things that can make a person fail a trial. Usually embarrassing but at the end of the day will not cause your insurance rates to rise but possibly may require medical attention. Usually the only thing to get hurt is your pride. It may be memorable, people may laugh a bit harder than an incidental error, but in general this will not be the end of the world either. Yes fewer people have made this error but still it has been done before and is rarely as original and as memorable as you think it to be

The majority of handler errors fall into these first two categories of errors. People who are new to the sport are often mortified when the commit one of these first two types of errors. However those with expedience in dogsport are often unimpressed by these types of occurrences. Their experiences cause the experienced handler to only be impressed by the lastly 3rd class of nerve based handler errors to which I will describe below.

Thermonuclear Handler Dysfunction or (THD) is a syndrome where overactive neuronal discharges disrupts cognitive, motor, and often gastrointestinal body functions. How often have you been at a trial when a person is showing is sick to their stomach? They are experiencing the prodromal symptoms of THD.

Sufferers of acute THD can often be spotted on such programs such as Americas Funniest Home Videos.or "You Tube"

A person who hits the jump with the dumbbell has made a significant handler error.. If the person hits the judge it would then be a THD.

A person who falls down during healing through the group has committed a significant error the person whose pants fall down while healing through the group has just experienced a THD.

Often minor handler errors can cause an increasing sense of nervousness which in turn will lead to more serious handler errors. This can lead to a self perpetuating state of errors that will eventually lead to a THD.

You will run across individuals who say they are not affected by nerves. I believe the Mayans (an advanced culture from the early 1950's) believed that it best to silence these individuals with a firm beating with a naturally preserved carcass of a platypus. (It is possible that my translation may be off) The Mayans believed that everyone gets nervous to some degree and that those who are not affected by nerves must be space aliens and therefore would require the ritualistic cleansing of the soul via striking of the cranium with an animal carcass to rid their body of evil spirits. (Again my translation may be a bit shaky)

So what have we learned today. I probably have not learned anything because by the time you read this it will have been a couple of days since I wrote this I do not know what I will be doing then.

What you need to think about is how to manage your nerves. Some may look to the Internet for advice by seeking suggestions from people who know less that you give yourself credit for but type better. If you do this you will need to find a person with a platypus carcass to administer the ritualistic knowledge infusion ceremony as described by the Mayans ( or was that the Wayans) in which you will be pummeled with the pelt of a platypus. Actually it would be better to seek guidance from More experienced club members and just relax.

Remember people will forget you not having control of your dog, people will not forget you not having control of your gastrointestinal facilities.

I am an Adrenaline Facilitator

Many people speak of being adrenaline junkies. they are reckless thrill seeking types who want to feel exhilarated and increase their heart rate.

But in practice these people still want to have some control There are many things that can accelerate your heart rate. Things other than mountain biking on Mount Saint Helen's during seismic activity. I have found that I am very gifted of providing this same biologic effect on a persons body as these adrenaline sports.

The process which i call adrenalin facilitation works like this. Say you would come up to me at a public place and notice i was wearing a watch. If you asked me if I had the time I would look at you and just respond "yes" and just walk away without actually telling you what time it was. Once you had figured out that I basically gave you information that was of no use to you, your heart rate would have risen slightly along with blood pressure etc. You would have just experienced adrenalin facilitation.

Say you are driving down the interstate at 80mph and I merged in front of you doing 60 and you had an extended period of time that you were unable to pass me. You would then be experiencing another example of adrenaline facilitation.

You may think that adrenaline facilitation is just me pissing people off. But then again you always had stupid little ideas like that... don't you.. you bloated sack of protoplasm. Se I have just applied adrenaline facilitation techniques on you without actually knowing who you are

I feel that by me applying adrenal facilitation techniques randomly I am actually doing the world a favor Nobody wants to see your grandmother snowboarding but I bet through some of these techniques applied properly I could get her heart rate every bit as high.

Helping you achieve inner peace and relaxation

Enjoying a summer holiday

Why should only the young enjoy immaturity?

The 4 Th of July was today and my wife and I went out and did some shopping. I purchased a megaphone with a siren for when I announce at dog events. My wife Stacey looked at me almost with pensive bewilderment as to why I need a megaphone. This one has 800 yard range with a 50 watt output. I had forgotten to purchase fireworks so I lit a couch on fire and threw Molotov cocktails at garden gnomes. My neighbor’s kids were igniting their expensive store purchased vanilla boring mildly safer fireworks. So I decided to enjoy the fireworks myself. I snuck as quietly as 270 pound Budweiser fueled ninja could sneak through the underbrush. As I got about 15 feet away I activated the siren and shouted attention K-Mart shoppers we have a special on sardines in aisle 9. The youngster ran frantically about and I felt a warm feeling deep inside me (which may have been the chorizo omelet chased with the aforementioned beverage reacting inside my gastrointestinal tract.) The directions for the megaphone said you are to never point it at a person because of the extreme volume levels but those people that write owners manuals have no way of knowing how fast the kid will heal. I got to feel good about making the Nintendo generation child actually do something to raise his heart rate and I gained a valuable memory.

Jeff Govednik

Making my wife cringe since 1995

Methane Footprint

Many people in the interest of trying to be Eco- conscious seek to lessen their carbon footprint. They use fancy light bulbs ,battery operated cars and other nifty doo dads to reduce their impact on the environment

Here's a thought. How about lessening your methane footprint . I was riding on a train the other day and I experienced turbulence in the dining car. I mean if you are really serious about improving the environment please do us a favor and improve the environment in the 30 square feet around yourself. Take a beano, skip, some milk just 1 day avoid the cabbage omelet with a Metamucil chaser while you are riding in the enclosed environment. If people want to lessen their impact on the environment they should try leaving less of a trace of themselves. (which I think is very noble). Now lose that invisible Friend that follows you around. I am asking you to please stop baking those air biskets in your gastrointestinal oven. Maybe you can buy some activated charcoal underwear. Just please stop being socially unacceptable

Dogs noses are exponentially more sensitive than a human so your lack of control might actually cause some to get lower scores

I Hope you are happy

New People

Firstly the title to this article may be a misnomer. Often these people are not actually new people. New people are actually small children and they are probably more interested in barney than schutzhund. If you see a child that inquires if Barney has a decent long bite then they should be nurtured appropriately. Often the people that come out to the club have been people for over 20 years so they should have some basic aptitude how to be a person even if they don't realize it. But for the sake of this article I will refer to the uninitiated as a new person however if you came out to my club as a new person i would just refer to as "Clyde" for the first 34 days until you graduated to "Bubba" for a period defined by your astrological sign and your affinity for polka music and then finally "Dude" until we decide on your new schutzhund name as defined by the club bylaws.

I am personally excited when new people come out to our club. There are several reasons for this. Firstly I like to write humor articles and new people can provide a bottomless well of new material. Secondly new people are often just trying to fit in and that makes them vulnerable to practical jokes.

Often the uninitiated have both the unfortunate problem of having little knowledge about the sport and trying to meet new people. Everyone wants to present our sport in the best possible light BUT occasionally the new people that come out, are as fishermen say are "not keepers" I know we should try to educate new people as best we can. I also know that many times people should be given some information first before they show up to a club. But there are still some after they are given information both written and spoken make you realize that they (not their dogs) came from a poor breeding program.

Yvette recalls: We had this chick who showed up at Club wearing tight designer hip-hugger jeans, layered tank top, full makeup, and a gold ring on almost every finger. Did I mention the bleach blonde hair? She and her boy toy pulled up the driveway in their shiny red sports car, with a young GSD sitting in her lap, as there is no back seat and no place for a crate. The dog was a nerve bag that hackled at the sight of a ladybug and had this spooky bark that sounded like “Ah woo woo wooooo”. We all just sat and stared at each other for a while. As we stood in our rubber tracking boots in the mud, with muddy dog prints all over our canvas pants and flannel shirts, both parties wondering who got the dress code wrong. We huddled together a safe distance away while the TD had a little chat with them, and we whispered to each other, “Who wants to bet THEY won’t be coming back?” They didn't’t stick around too long that day to watch, and we never saw either of them again.

There are several possibilities for why they never came back. They may have been abducted by space aliens who extracted the lady's' foundation and blush to help fuel their rocket ship to reach a far and distant galaxy. Then minus her outer paper mache like coating her and her boyfriend were then forced at phaserpoint to lip synch "captain and tenille songs" for several light years. It is also possible that the couple discovered Trey Anistasio's guitar work and then spent the rest of their lives seeking Phish bootlegs. However it also possible that they just had some unrealistic expectations of dog training.

This Brings me to my first
set of rules for the newcomer.

1) Show up the first time without your dog. This way you can see whats appropriate and whats not. Ask questions. Find out what the club members expectations of you are and what your expectations should be. Many clubs will give you a list of things that you will need.

2) Bring a crate. A crate is one of the best ways to keep your dog and other dogs safe. The doors of a car or SUV can open wider and make it easier for your dog to escape. If you cant fit a crate inside you car for transport bring a quality collapsible unit .to use once at training.

3) make sure that your leashes and collars are capable of holding your dog.

4) Wear appropriate clothing. This is the beauty of our dog sport… ugly is not only OK, but expected. In fact, beautiful well-dressed people are terribly out of place, and are sometimes even looked down on. Rather than thinking stylish think sturdy. You need to be able to move comfortably. You will probably get sweaty and dirty so if you try to dress overly stylish you will get laughed at when you become overly sweaty and dirty.

5) Have realistic expectations for your dog. Also try to give a realistic picture of your dog. You are coming out to train your first dog. More than likely your will not be able to do an FH2 and a Sch 3 your first time out. If your dog has aggression issues whether it be handler or dog you need to frank about those issues so that you may be safe and others may be as well. We all have some degree of kennel blindness. We like our dogs and they are like family to us. It is best that we remember this when going out for the first time. The more dogs you are around you will recognize some good traits and some bad. This recognition is essential to moving forward with training. Not every dog can get to a sch 3 but, if your dog has sound nerves there are OB , TR, and RH titles you can go for.

As an aside I believe that Kaiser has "handler blindness" He likes me even though I'm a moron. I used to be an imbecile but I applied my self and worked up.

Don't worry about appearing stupid. Most everyone training their dog has done something stupid at one time or another. Dogs have a way of humbling you. Ask anyone who has trained many dogs ; all of them will have the "my dog never did that before stories" The larger problem is when you are stupid but try to appear smart. Generally if you try to appear smarter than you actually are when you do something dumb people will think you are more stupid than you actually are.

6) Be prepared to "listen" Meaning you will need to stop but not only listen to the oscillations of your eardrums but to cogitate the meanings of the combined sounds to form ideas. You may wish to apply ideas to your training at a later date.

7) Get a feel for how the club runs training and ask how and when to do things. The key here is being polite and consider the training needs of others besides yourself. Laying a track in an inappropriate place may make much of a field unusable for others. Walking across others tracks or letting dog out on others tracks will generally result in an angry mob forming (reminiscent of those early Frankenstein movies) where several people want to strangle you. Ask when the training director or others would like you to do obedience. Do the same for protection.

8) If have any physical limitations that you have that may effect your or others training let the training director know. Do this in interest of safety not only of you and your dog but others as well. Say if your family has a history of spontaneous combustion when air supply songs are being played. You are out working your dog during the dry season someone turns on a soft rock station and several acres of prairie go up in flames. People would not expect that and it would create an unfair burden to anyone who wished to track on that field.

9) Other peoples dogs are not your dogs. Ask permission before attempting to pet someone Else's dog. There are a couple of reasons for this. First a persons may be trying to increase handler focus. Secondly you don't know how the dog will react. Do not stick your fingers in crates of dogs that are not your own. (DUH). Also try not to walk close to others vehicles and get their dogs worked up. If you have a dog that is a barker- park your dog farther away from other dogs. If you or your dog get someone Else's dog worked up in the crate they often will be tired out when it comes time to train or show.

10) Don't really have anything here but I wanted to make the list longer.

11) Remember there are some people that will never waste an opinion because of facts. At times these people are easy to spot. They are making statements such as 'orange Chicklets are a direct cause of global warming" At other times their statements are more insidious and harder to spot. So until you get a firm grasp of who to listen to remember everyone is entitled to share their opinion even if they did not share what neurochemical deficiency that was impairing their cognition to the point of their senseless statement.

Simply put: when some people open their mouth it creates a vacuum in their brain.

Now as club members we have to remember that we were all new once too. Almost every stupid thing that has ever been done has been tried at least unintentionally at least once before by other people. Generally we all have had the moment of cerebral ischemia where blood stops flowing to our brain momentarily and impedes our thinking. Generally the dumber the action the more witnesses there are to remind you of it later.

So here's some rules for club members to abide by with the new members.

1) Don't Bogart your knowledge. Whether you wish to give a list of training supplies and rules or formally or informally mentor the new person. It really doesn't matter but you will need to communicate your ideas to that new person so that they understand. If you a a Vulcan (like Mr Spock) you may wish to perform a mind meld.

2) Remember that this person likes their dog just as you like yours. Schutzhund may not be for everyone and that OK. Be honest, don't shred the person

3) Try to keep things simple. Homer Simpson once pontificated "whenever I put new stuff into my brain it pushes out other useful stuff" It is very easy to give a new person informational overload. So if you give theories on the space time continuum, black holes, a recipe for brussel sprout muffins, directions to St. Alfanso's pancake breakfast, and dog training information do not be surprised if they forget some things.

Remember we will alll getalong better if we can refrain from impeding each others mojo..

Worse things than failing a trial

My wife loves scary movies. You know the Friday the thirteenth and saw kind of movies. A lot of people like to be scared. Roller coasters, haunted houses etc people love those things. They enjoy being scared but still having some control. But let one person wake up when I’m driving 90 mph in his truck and suddenly I’m a bad driver. I mean seriously for that kind of exhilaration one might have fly all the way to Disneyworld and I am not sure they still make e-tickets. Another thing I have learned is that if you are driving over 100mph in a convertible it can have an adverse effect on your wife’s hairstyle. But I digress. Fear can be a good thing in moderation. Fear can stop us from doing inappropriate things. It is also natural to be afraid of things that we don’t understand such as brockiflower or that big singing rat in that kids pizza restaurant. I’ve often wondered if the real reason that they have that thing is to intimidate other rats. Sorry for the tangent. Anyway it is perfectly natural to experience some fear while showing your dog especially for the first time. But remember showing your dog while it may be stressful you really should not be afraid. I guess there is some amount of unpredictability when showing your dog just like when you let me drive your car and that’s what is scary to some people. But relax there are worse things than screwing up an exercise. Here are a few things that are worse than your dog making a mistake.

1) Brockiflower

2) Having a Brittany Spears CD stuck in your cars stereo when you have a long drive

3) Getting a seat on the airplane next to a guest on the Jerry Springer show.

4) Accidentally gargling with Windex

5) Yawning on a roller coaster 4 seats behind a person prone to motion sickness

6) Finding ½ a hair net breaded into the second piece of your all you can eat walleye.

7) Being snowed in your house and having the only two mixers available : Borscht and prune juice

You see very rarely is stupidity as original as we believe. Most of us have all made mistakes before and we will make them again. When you really screw something up at the moment that you do it can be painful. but as time passes these moments of impeded blood flow to your brain can give you a sort of immortality. It is better to be remembered as a good sport with bad luck than a petulant lint weasel with a bad attitude.

A guide to success in failure

I have recently gotten bored with failing trials. Yes I have been fortunate enough to fail at many things but for simplicities sake we will only address dog training. I have failed at levels from club all the way to a national level. Many who are inexperienced with failure tend to get angry while those of us who have more experience with failure are constantly seeking new and innovative methods for making failure enjoyable. I think that creative excuses can be a great initial step for success with failure. Some examples:

*: My dog was kidnapped by space aliens. replaced with an exact replica but unfortunately the dog was trained in klingon commands so we working on retraining.

* I think that interference caused by sunspots on the earths electromagnetic field caused my dog to forge/lag in his heeling. This same phenomena affects navigation devices in the Bermuda triangle.

* Blame failure on alcohol consumption even if you were not drinking. Come up with a horrible sounding mixed drink name and say that you should not have had it the night before.

. EXAMPLE:

Well I guess that I should not have drank that Siberian Monkey Lobotomy last night. If any one asks you what was in it tell them that you do not remember but is was really smooth. It will drive the bartenders in the hotel bar nuts and provide you with entertainment knowing you got some idiot to try and order one.

* Walk up to the trial Secretary and ask them if the trial field contains any armington purple ryegrass. The Secretary will probably tell you that they do not know. Shake your head and tell them your dog never shows well on arimington purple ryegrass.

* Tell the judge that your dog suffers from halotosaphobia and ask him if the helper has an allergy to floss.

Another strategy to employ is post failure damage control. Lets say your dog gets an 80 for all three phases. Go out and golf a couple of holes. When anyone asks about your weekend tell them you went out golfing and got an 80 ; you will not be lying. If your dog fails with a higher score go bowling (as most people would be happy with a 180-190). It is important to select an appropriate sport to your score as you would not want to tell folks you bowled an 80 or golfed a 170.

Some examples

Score sport

150-209 Bowling

100-149 Pop-a-shot basketball or Skee-Ball

60-99 Golf

30-59 Basketball

18-36 Mini Golf

10-17 Whack-a-Mole

0-10 Fishing

There are only a small number of people who show consistently well at a national level. The majority of us will never know how it feels to win a big event. But with a little practice and determination anyone can confuse people who are smarter than them.

Change and the future

I often hear people saying that we need a change. When I ask what needs to change they often reply well everything but they don't give any concrete examples. It is my belief that these people really do not understand change and are really not committed to it. They will point out one ore two things that they don't like and instead of working toward a positive resoluttion they tend to describe some covert force that is suppressing them from realizing their goal. Not to say there are not barriers to fixing any problem but we need to avoid the self imposed ones. Apply some effort is the first step. Applying in the proper direction is the next one. Go to any sports bar any you will inevitably see someone yelling a a tv for the sports persona to take different action as if the TV is a majical coonduet to their sports team. Yes Lovie Smith (the Bears coach) probably has installed the "bat-phone" like connections tto several taverns in Illinois. Ozzie Guillen might use them as well but most places will mute his microphone if children are present. This fan person is applying effort but not in the proper direction. In a small organazation affecting change is easier. Volunteer. Start small help out at trial then maybe a regional as you gain knowledge you will learn where to apply your effort. A slow steady consistant efferort is actually more useful than just some sporadic outburst only when you are dissasitfied.

If we really wanted complete change as some people believe. I have a plan.

To affect total change we need to get inexperienced ambivilant narssacists. Since all changes will be about them and they will not know any better this will probably lead to a complete change.

Another theory would be to use and 20 sided die (such as used in the game dungeons and dragons) so that more of the people posting on the internet will then understand the descion making proceedure.

Another posiisbility would be that would could build a radio beacon to attract extra terrestials with advanced knowledge to come down and run our organazation, but with current technogy we probably could reach intelligent life in 300-400 years (mark it down on the calendars kids I'm making a prediction and If I'm right then i will be reffered to as the fat nostradameus) So we may have a bit of a lag time.

As you can see these might not lead to the most positive changes. Tottal change requires totally removing all influences of the past. So maybe what we need is a more moderate approach. What we may need to do is be able to adapt. Handling change does not require the ability to see the future but working to ensure it

let us not be a DORK

We should strive to be both a gracious winner and lose with dignity. Which is entirely different than losing your dignity while winning. In the grand scheme of things will anybody remember that you took second place at a club trial in 1998? probably not, but they will remember you if you make an ass of yourself. People don't even remember things that you won except if its something big or money which they will ask to borrow.

When I was in High School I was voted to have the 3rd best sense of humor. I was beaten By Andy Dick (the comedic actor) who is way more funny than I. Now considering Mr Dick's problems of late with substance abuse I could petition My class to reconsider due to his use of performance enhancing substances. But In reality he was and is funnier than me me when he is sober. I wish him well in his recovery.

This serves to illustrate 2 important points

First I am being a gracious loser. In realizing the fact that this man was better at this particular endeavor than I. I am not making excuses I salute him on his success.

Secondly I am proving to everyone that I was not the weirdest most eccentric guy at my High school. There were 2 weirder guys and one was on TV.

Firmly realizing that currently I am not rich enough to be considered eccentric. My new goal is to make people doubt their own knowledge so that I appear to be smarter than I actually am. After people believe in my self professed knowledge I will be able to guide them to more socially acceptable behaviors and a calmer more fulfilling lifestyle though not acting like a dork. Really is that not what we are really seeking anyway.

First rule of not being a DORK- Realize that some people will have more knowledge than you. You will not always realize who these people are. Say you go to an open mike night and start boasting loudly of your prowess on the guitar. If your luck goes like mine in the back corner table would be Al Di Meola, Eddie Van Halen, Roy Clark, B.B. King and Eric Clapton. So after you played your your most compelling version of "Stairway to Heaven" that you ever played-- they would get up and play a version of the theme from sesame street and then make you look like a dork.

Second rule of not being a DORK -Realize That just because you were the winner of does not always mean that you have superior knowledge or talent. Everybody gets lucky once in a while. If you gloat excessively after a win others will then find it pleasurable when you get your ass handed to you.

Third Rule of not being a DORK- Realize that is much easier to be a spectator than a participant. Many people that are highly proficient at any activity will make it look effortless. When you stand on the sideline and criticise others who are trialing their dog I don't think its really fair. You don't see the competitors talking about your unfortunate haicut while on the field.

Fourth Rule of not being a DORK - Be appreciative of volunteers. these people give of themselves so that you can have a good time. Our organization is a predominately volunteer group. When you go to a big event try to remember that sure there will probably be some problems but the volunteers will try make the event run a smooth as possible.

Fifth rule of not being a DORK- Do not relive past accomplishments. every day brings new opportunities and while occasionally reliving the past can be fun do not live there. In this article I have violated my own rule so I hope that you are happy.

Sixth rule of not being a DORK - do not blame other for your own mistakes.

This is Merely the first cobble stone on the path to being cool. Often the road to not being a dork will take an acute detour into dorkville. As long as its a short trip do not worry some of these tips may help put you back on the right path eventually leading to a calmer more fulfilling lifestyle and away from polyester clothing.

a different trial

I was noticing on the Internet that people will often write thing that they know little or nothing about and speak with conviction about topics that they have limited knowledge of.

So i started thinking what if i carried that same style of writing over to the articles that I write for the magazine. I could save lots of time. i would not have to attend a trial so i could save on gas. Since there would be no need to check any facts the article would be pretty unusual.

perhaps something like this:

We had mild turnout at our club trial in central Illinois.Perhaps due to the weather. After the recent tornadic activity our tracking grounds were littered with trees, Asian carp carcasses that were sucked out of the Illinois river and most of the inventory of the local toupee factory that was stuck by the storm. As you might guess tracking conditions were difficult. Due to the distractions from the rotting carp meat and polyester hair that was sticking to everything because of the static electricity. Also there were many onlookers were taking pictures because they had never seen anything like a schuthund trial before.

Our obedience was then disrupted by the meteor that hit canned corn factory up the road but on the plus side the dogs were not so much affected by the gunfire test during heeling. We sent a couple of club members up the road with paper sacks because how often do you get to taste meteor popped pop corn? Sadly looters got there first and there was only the unpopped kernels left in the basement. It did not matter because during obedience one group member who had spent the previous evening indulging in Pabst Blue ribbon and pork rinds got ill and started a reverse peristaltic event of biblical proportions much like the pie eating contest in the movie "stand by me"

The protection phase was for the most part uneventful although it was difficult for the helpers to drive the dogs without tripping over the carp bodies or slipping on a wayward toupee.

All who attended remarked that the trial was memorable

Ok now here's the part of the article where I post links to give the article credibility

www.sears.com

www.ebay.com

jeff

Do I have a "Real" Dog

With more and more of us shopping on-line today and with more and move toward globalization it has become increasingly difficult to spot imitation merchandise. There have been many hidden camera investigations into designer clothing and other high dollar items being counterfeited and being sold as the genuine item. With merchandise items there are some subtle things you can look for to spot an imitation. As far as I know there is no literature on how to spot a fake dog. So in order to prevent embarrassment here are some tips to help you spot a fake spot.

1) A real dog should have approximately 4 legs. If the animal has 8 legs you may have a spider. If it is large and does a good hold and bark you may have an Gulf coast barking spider. While I have never actually seen one ,I have heard that these animals require frequent bathing to prevent odor problems

2) A dog should have fur. If it has scales you may have an alligator. Alligators tend to have nice grips but tend to be a little sharp. If your "dog" have has scales and has difficulty retrieving over a jump you may have been sold an alligator.

3) Look at size. If your dog is about 7 feet tall and about 400 lbs especially with brown and gray hair it is probably not a sable but in fact a grizzly bear. Grizzlies will do an incredible long bite but just like the alligator they tend to be a little on the sharp side and often have problems with handler aggression.

4) A dog does not have a shell. If your "dog" has a shell they might have sold you a snapping turtle. It would be difficult to get a 3 on a snapping turtle because of. they tend to track with a high nose.

5) If your dog is chrome with 2 slots in his back they sold you a toaster

Occasionally at trials you will hear people that are not showing claim they have a real dog (although no one has ever seen it work at a trial). The person will then claim that the dog besides doing V- rated protection excels at trigonometry and is better than any dog on the field today. They will the give some random excuse as to why they could not show. Sadly this is a sign of a much larger problem. The person has a prodromal symptom of fulminant ischemic halitosis. In laymans terms- lack of good oral hygiene has restricted blood flow to their brain causing the person to babble incessantly. You should ignore them.

Purchasing a dog from a reputable breeder is essential to avoid situations like this.

Hopefully these few small hints may save you from some embarrassment, prevent headaches and also save you money on postage. I am reasonably sure that it would take a lot of stamps to return a grizzly bear to the breeder and I always get so attached.

Jeff

My guide to improving your score

The most essential part of dog training is having a dog. There are many other animals that can be easier to train (such as dolphins or parrots). However they are not appropriate to our sport (I have never seen a dolphin do a nice blind search and my parrot is extremely dirty in a blind) Yes many people are looking for that edge that may gain themselves an extra point here or there. Some people will replace their equipment, training philosophy or even their dog. I am progressive enough to realize that if I replaced everything, my leashes, collars, kaiser, my haircut and my car that i would still have one problem. Me. Yes I could work hard to try and improve myself but just like when you are painting in art class you have to work with the canvas that you are given. It is hard to paint like Renoir on a used drop cloth. That's why I believe this year I am replacing everything including myself. I have never been at a trial where they have ever checked the handlers tattoos. I do not think there are any handlers that have been chipped (although there are a few that I suspect have a plate in their head) The way I figure it I could go out and train 3 times a week,.read everything on schutzhund that I can and give up twinkees and schlitz I'm probably a realistic 260 for 3 phases.. If i replaced myself as well depending on who I got to do it I figure I could be between 280-290 points instead of pounds and be better looking as well. Of course I kinda need to figure out how I would compensate my replacement since even I do not want to be me (at least for dog training) That part is a little fuzzy but I'm sure that it could be worked out. Then with all the extra time I have I could paint the house, do some yard work and clean the gutters. On second thought if there is someone who wants a 220 to 230. I would be available if they painted my house did some yard work and cleaned my gutters and we could share the twinkees and schlitz.

prevention of misinformation

When new people come out to your it is important to have a personable, knowledgeable person greet them.. Too often the person who steps up is that person who has just completed their first BH and are ready to start giving seminars. The problem is that person is generally not a bad person but who just has learned about voraus poles and wants to try to utilize them in tracking. Club members eyes start rolling. There is a phenomina that effects some people that when they open their mouth they experience a marked decrease in bloodflow to their brain. How do you prevent this misguided but well intentioned person from sticking their foot in their mouth up to their kneecap?

With a little bit of ingenuity on can hook up an e-collar to a folding chair. Get an aluminum one they conduct electricity better. You should be able to stop most conversations from a half mile away.

A habanaro pepper in a cup of coffee can make conversations difficult

hook a long line or tracking line to a tree within a short distance, as if you were going to back tie a dog. Hook other end to beltloop of the offending party and tell the newbie that you want to show them something. Walk away leaving offending party tied to tree.

Get the offending persons cellphone and program in your cell phone number. Under contact name, list as some important person that would never call him or her (like your state governor or Ceasar Millan). When they look at whos calling the phone will list said persons name as person calling. This is especially fun if you have a privacy manager to block the persons call so they can never call you back. Usually good for 3-4 hours of entertainment.

One should try to avoid possibly harmful methodology such as gluing the person to a toilet seat since you will inconvenience other club members and will probably make it more difficult to obtain a porti poti at a future date.

Remember at times silence can show a greater degree of intelligence. Be friendly and polite . It is far better to let people wonder about your knowledge than to prove a complete lack of it.

These are only a few suggestions on prevention of inappropriate conversations. You may want to develop your own methodology and creativity is essential to the process. There are some that might think these ideas a bit harsh, but I only share for the good of our sport. The uninitiated need the benefit of not having their minds clouded with superfluous information. Remember stupidity causes more injuries every year than not using your seat belt.

A few thoughts on "lines"

Often I see people arguing over their dogs lines. Some people prefer show lines while others prefer working lines. Some people love east German while others prefer Czech lines. So what line would suit your needs best? You should probably consult your training director but here are a few hints, If you are a fisherman you probably would like the mono-filament lines. While the retired may enjoy the carnival cruise lines. Astronomers have a special place in their hearts for Richard Lines. While if you needed to move a lot of freight I would choose an appropriate railway line. If your clothes were wet you may look for something in a clothes line. There are other lines you should avoid such as downed power lines.

Some people share their knowledge...

I share my confusion

Jeff

sardine shortage

I went to the store to buy sardines and there were none on the shelves. Another lady was also looking for sardines as well she told that another store was out as well. There is only one explanation there is a sardine shortage. The clerk told us that they were just out and should be receiving a shipment in the morning. Sure that is what he wants us to believe. As an agent for the retail mafia this is just a ploy to get me to return to store and burn more gas. It is obvious to me that this is just the surface of much greater conspiracy perpetrated by the Canadians and the sardine producers of the world to effect the global economy and drive the prices of sardines up to that of caviar because they are upset that sardines do not have the glamorous image like the aforementioned fish eggs.. Yes I could have just used some other substitute such canned tuna or sought out some other protein source, but I am not about to just stand by while such injustice is perpetrated on America. You may ask me questions such as: What proof do you have? or Where are the restrooms? As far as proof there were no sardines at two stores in central Illinois. First there are two stores then 200 where does the madness stop? As far as the Canadian connection , a Canadian judge failed me on my first BH and even though I deserved it and he never did anything to me I just know that some how he is involved. Also Paul Schaffer is Canadian. Are You starting to see a connection, Do not let facts cloud your judgment. This kind of collusion can impact our culture as we know it today.

We cannot let this happen if the Tabasco people go over to their side the world will be at their mercy.

ugly

I have read in many magazines that 40 is the new 30. So I was thinking that ugly could be the new beautiful. I am ugly, not circus freak ugly or extraterrestrial ugly but at least aesthetically unappealing. I am happy being ugly. Ugly is low maintenance. Shave your hair short, grow a beard to cover a scar or two and then all you need is a quick shower and a clean Hawaiian shirt and you are ready to meet the challenges of the day. This is not just advice for the ladies. Cheap Hawaiian shirts are great. Sure several polyesters gave their lives for it but it repels water and will probably survive for hundreds of years in a landfill so they are durable.

Yes I realize that some would say that I would be much happier if I were pretty. Yes I could spend hours applying hair product and primping and looking at myself in the mirror instead of enjoying life. Doesn't seem like much of a trade off to me. I have never understood the the concept of judging people by appearances. Yes kiddie pools are fun but they are shallow and you can have much more fun with a diving board and that does require some depth. Some people are truly interesting people who may have some valid knowledge to share. To filter them or group them by appearances is much like picking out fruit. If you pick out the best looking apple in the kitchen it might be made of plastic and while it will be very low in carbs it probably wont be as enjoyable as the imperfect one you grew yourself.

For those people unfamiliar with car culture there is a term "sleeper". A "sleeper' is an ugly stodgy looking car with extreme performance modifications that are not readily evident to the casual observer. I had a friend that who had a 4 door Malibu that looked completely innocuous from the outside. Under the hood it had 502cu Chevy that probably put out around 700(dynoed) horsepower (a dodge viper puts out around 500 horsepower). That car was the fastest car that anybody I knew ever owned. It was a very fun car, my friend took good care of it but it was ugly. Appearances can be deceiving So try to keep an open mind and just remember some of us may not be pretty, but we "sleepers" have a lot more fun.

Another myth I would like to dispel is that if you look good you will feel good. HORSEPUCKEY!!.. If you really believe that next time go to the dentist put on an Armani suit and tell him to start drilling. You shouldn't need Novocaine because you look good. Let me know how that works out for you.

Please do not confuse ugly people with smelly people. Often the beautiful people will bathe in cologne to the point that they should be required to have a material safety data sheet in their wallet. You get in an elevator and they smell like somebody drove a brush hog through a rose garden. They feel breathtaking but that is because in an enclosed space most people will find it hard to breathe.

Ugly people are much cooler to have as friends. They are like the mental equivalent of aluminum siding. Usually ugly people are much lower maintenance. In this day of $4 per gallon gasoline having ugly friends can improve your fuel economy since there is much less hair products being used, less cologne and less jewelry so the weight saving alone may increase your gas mileage. Also since less aerosol product are being used ugly people friendlier to the environment.

Ugly people can also be more spontaneous. Say you want to go out on the town as an ugly person my thoughts would be do I wear the blue bowling shirt or the red Hawaiian shirt. Those "beautiful" people will spend hours picking out jewelry, applying mouse, picking out the right outfit and by the time you are ready to go out the restaurant has closed and you are left eating at McDonald's with a bunch of people in bowling shirts.

I think that your starting to see a pattern. Ugly people are cool. In this environmentally sensitive era we are living in ugliness just makes more sense. Who need divas and drama queens with all the extra work that in entailed in having them as friends. With our busier lifestyles doesn't it make more sense to have friends that require less maintenance. Yes being ugly can lead to a calmer more fulfilling lifestyle.

A guide to web discussion

I've noticed that on several message boards people tend toward being argumentative and insulting. Not all of them. But on some there are folks who have only 7 functioning synapses in their entire brain and the feel the need to show the world that their 7 synapses work almost as well as the millions that normal people possess. These people feed off of drama like the fat guy eating spaghetti in "Monty pythons" the meaning of life" They argue about things they know, people they know, things they don't know, people they heard of, granola, breeders, kennels, aardvarks and topics so varied that no math genius could extrapolate a probability algorithm to predict the outcome. These people will argue with determination but maybe not a firm grip of reality (OK some don't even have a finger touching reality) I am not saying we can't disagree on any topic. There are many different training methods, different bloodlines and most have at least some merit. However there are some certain boundaries that I feel we should all heed.

!) write every response as if you are writing to Mike Tyson. Yes write it as if you are speaking to Iron Mike and he is in the next room and he is having a bad day. I have seen on some of the web boards people talking as if they are the reincarnation of the outlaw Josie Wales. YOU ARE ON A COMPUTER. This is a tool for exchange of ideas. Not that I'm a very tough person but in every fight I have ever been involved with I have never had anybody bring up dog training during the fight because that would be rude. IF you really want to be intimidating I really think that you may need to take off the bunny slippers and step away from the computer. You cannot stare a computer down since it has no eyelids and does not blink.

2) If you must insult someone please be original. Profanity while never really being appropriate is just too easy. Now if someone posts that a person has the intellectual capacity of a ground squirrel whose mother had been exposed extensively to both second hand smoke and Barry Manilow music, then you would have my attention.

3) If you are going to comment about a topic please have at least some fundamental understanding of the topic you are writing about.

4) When forming thoughts please try to use the gray matter in your brain. I think some people use lower parts of their central nervous system. It gets real difficult to understand if you are using your brain stem or hypothalamus to coordinate your thoughts since you are using brain incorrectly.

5) On dog related boards please keep topics dog related . If I went on the Swedish catapult society web page and discussed schutzhund, people would get annoyed. So don't talk about your trebuchet on a dog board.unless you are using it to teach a send out.

6) Of most jokes that are funny the first time many lose their effectiveness if you repeat them 453 times.

Please remember that as dog enthusiasts we need to project a positive image to both new people to our sports and to the uninitiated who may be just curious. Let's all agree that we should try not to look like a bunch of monkey's throwing intellectual poop at one another.

Jeff

A second language

I believe everyone one needs a second language. But when trying to select a second language try to pick something useful like German or English. Personally I am fluent in English, pig latin and profanity. Many people assume that they are well versed in profanity and insert a profane word in a sentence and assume that that makes them look cutting edge or tough or whatever but I am from the Peoria Illinois area, home to both Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor and honestly I am not impressed. Unless you can compose complete sentences using only profanity you should avoid using profanity because people may think that you are from Peoria and honestly how embarrassing is that. Yes I know for me all it takes my dog to blow a couple of motion exercises and I look like Yosemite Sam with tourettes syndrome. I am really working to suppress my Peoria influences. Some times when I get really angry I combine both pig latin and profanity. I'm sure many others have this same problem. You get so angry you start muttering incoherent guttural noises At other times i hear something like "What are you a trucking comedian? Your dog is a pencil ship.. I have no Idea what that means but the person who said it was very animated so I retorted something like "Thank you for your consideration you shad eating in bread icehole stupid fun of a pitch."' .But if you think of it that's not a really a coherent way to learn because you are using really nonspecific words. That's why I am proposing using the term BHLORK as the USA new approved profanity. Its meaningless kinda fun to say and will fit seamlessly where other profanity is used. EXAMPLE you bhlorking bhlork for brains stupid son of a bhlork, Bhlork you and bhlork anyone who bhlorking looks like you you bhlork eating bhlork head.

See its' catchy

Here's my proposal . When you go somwhere and some obtuse pinhead needs to be told off. Don't use profanity tell them to BHLORK OFF or call them a BHLORKHOLE or even better just respond by saying BHLORK. There will be no way for the person to respond to you if they are uncool. The offensive party will then be revealed to be a dork This will serve two important purposes First you will know that you told them off and secondly you will help create an underground counterculture.. People who read this will then recognize each other and realize hey that person likes jeff's writings and he or she is probably cool. You can the support others who like me and that's how the movement starts. There are prominent people who copy my writings because they want to seem cool. But you can be cool and not be a wannabe. There are powerful forces in our culture today that would like nothing more than squelch my coolness. But I really believe that there are a silent majority who do not broadcast their ignorance. But by using the work BHLORK you can show them that you control your own destiny. Yes we can start a movement!! I do not wish to be the leader, but a facilitator.. I believe it is my destiny in life to draw the coolness from your inner self and help you live a more satisfying lifestyle.

Bhlork them all Jeff

Guide to the group

At every trial, people comment on the abilities of the helpers, the skill of the tracklayeres and even the organization of the trial secretary. The group members are truly the unsung heroes of any trial. Silently doing their work often even unnoticed by the competitors. These men and women graciously provide a necessary component to all obedience levels from BH to sch III. To the untrained eye the group members appear to only be standing in a square but in fact this exercise requires a great deal of mental patience. Luckily there are a lot of mental patience in our club.

Before we start the actual exercise one must prepare him or herself for the work they are about to do.

The first consideration is diet, if you are lactose intolerant pay special attention. I like to have a high caloric snack before I start (like a twinkee covered with nacho cheese and jalapenos)

Next you should consider stretching before starting any physical activity You are only walking about thirty feet but if you cramp up it will be a severe distraction to the dog and an unfair burden to the group. The handler may have to repeat the exercise and other group members will have extra work due to your extreme insolence. David St. Hubbins stated that many people spontaneously combust each year it's just not widely reported. It would be very rude to spontaneoulsy combust during a trial and if you are going to spontaneoulsy combust you should wait until after the trial. Since spontaneous human combustion is not covered anywhere in the USA rules it would put both the judge and your fellow group members in an awkward position. There is not much literature whether stretching can help prevent spontaneous human combustion but I am reasonably sure that stretching will not increase ones proclivity to sponatanieously combust.

Next you should be aware of your rules and the different phases of a schutzhund trial.

IMPORTANT there is no group work in the tracking or protection phases of a schutzhund trial. At the judges direction you should walk to the designated spot in the field.

NOTE: you will need to be standing up before walking out to the field. We will cover standing in a later article.. You will stand near the other 3 people until the judges thank you. You will then walk off the field and wait for further direction.

After the trial is finished you may leave the field, generally the judge will no longer need you but if you are really dedicated you may wish to offer the judge your cell phone number in case of an emergency.. You can and should practice your group skills at your clubs training days.

You may want to consult with your training director for additional guidance.

guide to standing

A guide to standing from the Delavan Institute of Canine Knowledge

Standing is a very practical activity that can be used in many daily activities and not just schutzhund. Standing is essential to ambulation since if you were not standing before you started walking you would essentially be break dancing. Remember the only excuse for spinning around on your back is being hit by a car. Standing up is the safest way to use an escalator. You are 32% more likely to be attacted by a hyena if you are sitting down. Standing up is very useful when playing golf since it is very difficult to get any distance on your drives when you are in a prone position. Standing is useful but not required for playing whack a mole. There are probably more uses for standing and you may wish to discuss them with your training director.

Robert W. Hancock a certified universal standing specialist (CUSS) agreed to help me with this article because he believes that standing leads to a calmer more relaxing lifestyle. He also agreed to help because the judge is counting this toward his 100 hours of community service. Mr Hancock has been standing for almost fifty years. His first 12-18 months were a little shaky but he since has become an expert. I learned that I was a natural at this activity when I was in grade school. I told the teacher that it would be difficult to stand on Uranus since it has a strong gravitational pull and is practically devoid of oxygen. I said it would be much easier to stand on Pluto but they might ask you to leave the majic kingdom. The teacher then told me to stand in the corner as an example to the class (I'm sure because of my extensive knowledge of standing) I learned a very valuable lession that day although I've forgotten what it was.

Proper form is essential to standing up. Proper form can help prevent injury as well as avoiding adverse anomalous phenomina. Note standing may not help a person avoid alien abduction. First you should place your feet on the floor soles down. . If you place your feet on the floor soles up and try to stand you may risk serious tendon damage.

Before we stand up we must understand the barriers to standing. Drinking a liter of tequilla can have an adverse effect on your vestibular apparatus and may impede your ability to stand. If you have drank a liter of tequilla you should lay down on the floor since it would be difficult to fall off it. Explosions can be a barrier to standing. If you were 500 feet away from a one kiliton nuclear blast you would find it difficult to stand while you are being vaporized because of the shockwave. Explosive diarrhea can be a barrier to standing. It is difficult to stand while unconscious.

Remember if you are sitting down you are not standing up. Standing is a time honored tradition that has been immortilized in such songs as "saw her standing there" by the beatles and "get up stand up" by Bob Marley. With a litle bit of practice and confidence you can enjoy this activity with your freinds.

Jeff Govednik and Robert W. Hancock have over 85 years standing experience, They have both been members in good standing with the credit union. They have stood in corners in school and stood up for weddings. Rob has written for stand up comedians. Both have been urged not to stand around while others are working. (undoubtedly because of their skill at standing is a distraction to others)

READ ON...

Guide for the BH bicyclist

Another unsung hero of a schutzhund trial is the bike rider for the bh test. Your goal as the BH bicyclist is to be a distraction. You should be familiar on how to operate a bicycle. You should have been familiar since you were like 6 or 7 but here is a short guide to help you flawlessly complete this endeavor.

Get a bicycle that is appropriate to your size. If you can't reach the pedals or if you look like magila gorilla riding a tricycle chances are you have the wrong size bike.

Bicycles can be very stable but you must be moving. Motion on a bicycle causes a gyroscope effect that provides stability. If you are not moving you should place one foot on the ground. If you keep both feet on the pedals while you are stopped it will increase your chances of falling down. Gravity is generally the reason that you will fall down. It would be very difficult to fall up.

Familiarize yourself with both the front and rear brakes of the bicycle. Never use the front brake by it self or you will perform what is known as a "face plant". It is called a face plant because inertia will cause you to catapult over the handlebars and essentially "plant" your face in the pavement. Severe face plants may be detrimental to you personal aesthetics.

Leave the X-games tricks to the professionals. Doing a wheelie when your 12 is cool. Rupturing your spleen when doing a wheelie when your 40 is not. Remember you should be a distraction, not a spectacle

Jeff

About the author

So often we read of people who list several letters after their names showing their accomplishments in either an educational or whatever field. Many times in sport we even see people list letters after their dogs names as well. Usually when people address me they put a couple of letters in front of my name (one of which is an F) If you are like me maybe you don't many accomplishments in either the didatic or sport field and you would like to give an accurate description of you real life experiences.

Here is my real life description of myself

Jeff Govednik HBO, ESPN2, Z-28 240z,450sl, LT-1(x2), MGB, MGD, IOU, TGIF, XYZPDQ, BYOB and over1000RBI's

Kaiser Sch I,II,III, Fh

Monster DQ (many times)KFC,SBD, TCBY, and many BLT's

Penny CGC, CDX

Chaos UTI

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Contents by Jeff Govednik

Everything on this page is the "exclusive orginal work" of Jeff Govednik.

Please do not post any article without the express permission of Jeff Govednik.

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