Almost New Year's
	I posted this today (Dec. 30) on my writing blog, but I wanted to share it here, too. I'm resolving to not make resolutions this year. I've done so much changing I need to get to know who I am as I am right now. Here's my blog: All I’ve seen online this weekend are articles on how to make and keep a New Year’s resolution. I took all the Christmas decorations down this morning just so I could reclaim my house and have some semblance of normalcy again and now I’m supposed to “resolve” to change? I don’t think so. Why? Because New Year’s resolutions feel so mandatory; they’re so guilt-laden. I don’t feel any “renewal” on Jan. 1. It’s cold and snowy, I’m in a huge emotional let-down from the holidays – hardly a good place to be when resolving to change something negative about myself – and it’s all I can do to throw away the old and hang the new calendars around the house. The only difference from Dec. 31 to Jan. 1 is a number at the end of the year, but still I feel such angst, such pressure to change something. I’ve felt that way every month – no, every day – for three years now. It all started in earnest on Jan. 1, 2005, when I resolved to lose weight. It was the first resolution I’ve ever kept. It was a good thing to do, losing weight. No doubt it’s changed my life. But in the ensuing months and years, I’ve sought to improve everything about myself. And believe me, my friends, that’s a lot of self-improvement, most of which is still in progress or waiting to be discovered to be improved. I’m exhausted. I’m downright, absolutely, beat-to-the-ground exhausted. I don’t want to improve anything right now. I simply don’t have the energy. So it was with great relief that I read M.J. Ryan’s little article in this month’s Health magazine about resolutions. I read it last night as I fussed in my head about my exercise routine, my eating habits, the way I am (or am not) organized, how I spend money, what I will change about myself this year. Then I read, “This year, forget the resolutions!” ‘What?’ I thought. ‘You mean that’s possible?’ “What if this year you and I resolve to accept ourselves exactly as we are?” writes Ryan. “Imagine the relief we’ll feel if we kick the relentless self-improvement habit. You know – if we stop reciting chapter and verse about all our failings and mess-ups, and, instead, take pleasure in who we are right now.” Taking pleasure in who I am right now isn’t something I’ve thought much about. I take pleasure in the person I’m becoming. I forgot that there really is a person I am right now. “Can you do it?” Ryan continues. “If it seems difficult, that’s no surprise. In fact, I once read that the most frequent question to Ann Landers was, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ “Because we see ourselves as endless self-help projects, we’re constantly holding ourselves up to impossibly perfectionistic standards in everything from relationships to body shape to clothes-washing. And there’s no good reason for it. The truth is, our imperfections and inconsistencies, our messy closets and unmade beds, are just incidental parts of our wonderful, fulfilling lives.” Did you hear that? Our imperfections make us who we are. I’m not intentionally mean or forgetful or unorganized or flat-chested or someone for whom belly skin is an issue. I don’t mean to forget to call someone back or send an email or take out the garbage or pay a bill. Generally speaking, I’m a nice person. I’m a good person. Chances are, you are, too. This year, I’m adopting M.J. Ryan’s philosophy. I guess you could say I’m resolving to make no resolutions. Like the Rush song says, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” If I choose in 2008 to change something about myself, which no doubt I will, I will do it because I want to and not because of a date on a calendar or because everyone else is doing it. Are you making a resolution? Post a comment. Let us know if you are or are not, what it is or is not, or if you are, like me, going to breathe deep and get to know the you you are now. Here’s Ryan’s advice on “How to say no to perfection.” It made me smile last night and took a huge load off my shoulders: Take a break: For a full month, do nothing to improve yourself. Make a mistake: Try a small, intentional slip-up – on purpose – and notice what happens. Don’t call back the moment you said you would. When you do call, apologize and ask how you can help now. Leave the house a mess before having guests, and then check in with yourself after the party. Did everybody have fun even though you aren’t perfect? High-five yourself: At the end of the day, notice at least three things you did well and say, “Good job.”

A few of my favorite people
	This photo was taken on Christmas Eve. I know I've said this in posts before, but I am so very glad I chose to lose weight back on Jan. 1, 2005, so that I can be healthy for two of my favorite people: my husband and my granddaughter. I know conventional wisdom says we have to lose weight for ourselves, and I won't dispute that. But other people, the ones we love the most, are so integral to our decisions, at least they should be. I love Larry and Claire and my daughters and my son-in-law and my extended family and my friends. Yes, they'd still be my family and friends if I weighed 300 pounds again. They love me no matter what. But I'm able to love them better now, physically and emotionally.

Almost Christmas!
	I realized the other day that while I'm only 17 pounds lighter than last Christmas, I'm two to three clothing sizes smaller. I'm a little excited that my size 6 Levis are bagging and I might, just might, fit into a size 4. That is so surreal. I remember thinking three years ago how happy I'd be to get back into a size 12. Then when I got to a 12, I started thinking, 'What if I go just a little smaller?' And then at size 8 I thought, 'One more size. Let's see if I can do one more size.' I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be a size 6 let alone a 4 in anything. My hips have always been a nightmare, but I realize now that's because I didn't exercise the way I could to make them strong and virtually fat-free. Even with arthritic feet and knees, I've found a way to really work my glutes and thighs and to make a size 6 (and possibly a 4) a reality. That blows my mind. I went to a wedding yesterday. Baby Claire was there, too! Here are a few photos of me with my husband and daughter, Claire (wearing her fuzzy shrug) and me, and one of my daughter, son-in-law and Claire Bear.

Thanksgiving Day
	I chose not to eat turkey this year in keeping with my commitment to eating vegetarian, and everything I made was low-fat or fat-free. I stuck to my points, although it was difficult to not "pick" at the sweet potatoes and caramel apple salad. So addictive. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with food. I’m a pretty strong person, but I admit I really do love food. I know that sounds stupid, but I've always thought I wasn't affected by food. Truth is, I really do have trigger foods. On Oprah you'll hear me say I am/was "addicted" to simple carbs, but I originally said it because I thought that's what they wanted me to say. I realize now that that's true. I could eat simple carbs all the time if it wouldn't make me gain weight. They call my name. Tonight I have a few points left and I will have a salad, but what I want are corn tortilla crackers and hummus. Not a bad snack, but after the carbs I've already had today, not a good choice. Maintenance (and weight loss, or course) is so much about thinking through everything I put in my mouth. It's just so easy to slip into mindlessness. I refuse to gain weight because I can’t control my eating. That’s not how I roll. But man, it’s tough love. Here are a few photos from today. My granddaughter was initiated into our “Black Olives Over the Eyes” photo tradition.

November 11
	I just got back from Chicago after taping The Oprah Winfrey Show. The theme was weight loss and I was one of 21 guests who had lost weight without surgery or diet pills. It was the most incredible week of my life. I am not the same person today that I was last weekend. I blogged about it if you would like to read about my experiences (click here). I don't know the air date yet, but I will post it as soon as I know. My granddaughter is such a joy. She's on the verge of smiling. She'll open her eyes wide and form a little O with her mouth. I can't take my eyes off her and I can't get enough of her soft little head. I'm so glad to be thin for her. I will not miss out on her life because of the embarassment I felt in public when I was morbidly obese. The woman I was at 300 pounds was very wise. She knew it was time to lose weight. I thank God for her every day. Here's a photo of 1-month-old Claire.

October 21
	I just added a new page to my site called Maintenance. I will update it periodically when I specifically want to talk about the joys and struggles of maintenance. My general updates and comments will still be updated on my dated pages. My husband and I went to see our 8-day-old granddaughter Claire yesterday and my daughter took this photo of Claire and me. I was struck by how my hand covers her entire butt. She's a squirt, but she's strong. She'll be working out with Grandma in no time!

October 15
	Now that my granddaughter is here, my schedule is turned upside down. Yesterday, I worked out for the first time in three days and when I was done, I felt like myself again. I didn't realize how much tension and stress had built up since getting the phone call last Thursday that it was "baby time!" I used to think I exercise only to stay thin, but yesterday's workout showed me that I also exercise to be less tense and more clear-headed. I crave it, the sweat and the endorphines. I sleep better, eat better, all bodily systems work better when I exercise. I hope it never becomes a chore. There are days when I don't want to exercise, days when I have a million other things to do that have no choice but get done. By making exercise a priority, I've found that all those other million things that must get done actually get done and more efficiently because I'm a happier me when I've worked out. I was getting sick of me and my worried mind yesterday before I went to the gym. I liked myself a whole lot more when I got back to my daughter's house afterwards. More photos of baby Claire! Here I am with my son-in-law's mother. We look pretty good for being grannies! And here's Claire fresh home from the hospital and on a rare moment when her eyes are open.

September 9
	My husband and I went out to dinner last night at Foxburg Inn, a beautiful restaurant along the Allegheny River. I've learned to assert my specific dietetic needs when I go out to eat to make sure I know exactly what I'm eating. I don't like food surprises. I ordered the haddock broiled in no oil or added fat and it turned out great. I also ordered the green beans steamed without the garlic butter they offered. No problem. I stayed totally on plan and had room to enjoy a few mussels in garlic and butter. It has been months since we've been out alone together. With all the birthday surprises, the boys' summer visit and our trip to Minnesota, we'd almost forgotten how to be best friends. I think we've figured it out again .

September 6
	I'm home from a 10-day vacation in Minnesota. I stayed 100 percent on program and lost .4 pounds! The only exercise equipment available to me were some lousy treadmills that barely worked, but I at least walked at a level 10 and 4.0 mph for 40 minutes on 4 days of vacation. At least it was something. I don't eat fast food, or if I'm desperate I'll have Subway, so I brought along my own food for the long drive out to Minnesota from Pennsylvania. Here is a photo to prove that yes, you really can make and eat a salad on the Ohio Turnpike - LOL! On this trip, I had the honor of meeting a fellow Weight Watcher from the 100+ boards, Kickie. We met at an Applebees in Wisconsin. She's FABULOUS and beautiful and knows this program inside and out. I'm so very glad to be her friend. I also got to meet the awesome Cassidy from the boards! What a treat! Two WW hotties in one vacation :) We had lunch at Panera, talked forever, then went to Trader Joe's where a very cute check out guy took our photo in front of the wine, of course. Here we are in the parking lot in a self-portrait as Cassidy talks to RedHd25 on the phone. I think everyone needs to meet Cassidy. Not only is she beautiful, she is very wise and has her head on straight. And she speed walks like a maniac! Go Cassidy! When I got home from vacation I had a doctor's appointment to address my painful right shoulder. After the MRI it was apparent that I have a full rotator cuff tear with a torn bicep tendon thrown in for good measure. This will require surgery, which I've scheduled for Oct. 30. It also means I have to lay off the strength training. This makes me very sad and I'm not sure how to handle the news quite yet. I love working out and while I can still do my aerobic exercises and ab/core work, I have to be extremely careful with my shoulder. Here's a photo of me with my niece that shows the definition I've come to love in my arms. I am really upset that I will lose much of it.  I know, in three to four months I can work on getting it back, but it will never be the same. Deep breath, Lynn. Life is still good, right? Well, no more boo-hooing. I'll be fine. That's all for this update. Thanks for visiting!

August 6
	I can't believe I haven't updated this page since Easter. Where has the time gone? I'm maintaining at about 133-134, working out 5-6 days a week, and feeling really good. Feeling "thin" is really cool. I'm still getting used to it. I threw my husband a surprise birthday party last weekend and many of the people there hadn't seen me in awhile. I've pretty much gotten used to what I look like, but I forget some people are used to seeing me at either 300 pounds or 200 pounds or 160, whatever. It's kind of embarrassing to hear "Oh my God I wouldn't have recognized you!" time after time. I understand people I haven't seen in awhile are going to react, but sometimes the tone of their voice, the loudness, makes me feel like I was so ugly and worthless when I was fat, but now I'm worthy of being looked at. I know that's my own insecurities talking, but they were out in full force on Saturday night. I did, however, smile and say thank you and moved on to other subjects.           Here I am with two of my husband's college friends who came up for the party weekend. The other is a photo my little neice wanted of my tattoo, only you can't see the tattoo that well. I got it when I was 30. I forget I have iti sometimes.   I'm going to a family reunion at the end of August in Minnesota and I'm sure the same thing will happen. I just tell myself to smile and be gracious. That's my hope.

Easter 2007
	I made ham and au gratin potatoes for my family today, but I ate salmon and cauliflower. It's really important to keep a clear head during holidays. All days, really, but especially during holidays. I am quite content to not let food dictate my days. It really takes discipline and determination to lose weight and keep it off. I'm more disiplined and determined than I was even 4 months ago. I see what's at stake - I could gain weight and that's not a part of my plan. Period. If anything, I want to lose another 5-8 pounds and tone even more. Here's me in my "Easter dress."  Unfortunately it was snowy and cold and so I couldn't wear anything but long sleeves and tights and boots. It WILL warm up soon.

April 7 - Me and Bungee
	I'm just mellowing tonight with my old cat Bungee. My fat girl was in my head as my stepson took these photos. "Oh, I'll look so bad - big thighs, double chin...." is what I thought. Why is being thin such a hard thing for me to grasp? I guess I'll keep working on that.

March 20
	I met another WW board member! Gwen was in Pittsburgh on business and so Carol, Chris and I met up with her for dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. What a beautiful, sweet and intelligent woman she is! She fit in just fine with the three of us  Here we are at the restaurant (from left): Chris, Carol, me and Gwen. My shirt is cut quite low, but I don't have a whole lot left to show off. Sadly, I am now a B cup. I held on to the Cs this entire journey, but they disappeared with the last three pounds. I'm in maintenance now and it's going very well. I've added 3 points to my daily intake plus I eat an activity point or two so I average 24-26 points a day. This makes me very happy. AND I lost weight last week in my first week of maintenance. That happens sometimes. I finally got a summer wardrobe together. Last year I was Ms. Frump in elastic band shorts and loose t-shirts because I kept losing and I didn't want to buy things in new sizes every 6 weeks. I'm comfortably in a size 8 for most things - an occasional 6 here or 10 there - and medium or small shirts (alas, the whole boobies-R-gone thing). I even bought a bathing suit - a pink and brown tankini that I just might actually wear this summer, in public actually! I've decided to stay steady with the cardio portion of my daily (or almost daily) workouts and not do any further increase in resistance or time. I'd like to learn to maintain my weight as I maintain my exercise. I now do 45-55 minutes at a relatively heavy pace, sharing time between the elliptical, treadmill, bike and arc trainer. I've added free weights to my upper body regimine, alternating them with weight machines every other day. I had been doing weight training 2-3 times a week and now I'm doing it 4-5 times a week. My muscles can handle the pace now. Overall, I'm feeling good and slowly accepting my body at goal. I still can't say the words "I am thin" out loud because all my life I've told myself I've had a few pounds (at least) to lose. It will take some time for me to really embrace the whole "thin" thing.

February 24
	It's been almost a year since I met these two in real life. We met on the Weight Watchers board, figured out we live close to each other, and have been shopping ever since. From left to right we are: Carol (SnowGirl), Me, and Chris (CrispyRice). Happy anniversary to us!

	I've learned not to listen to other people when it comes to my weight goal. My original goal was 150 pounds just because my doctor and I decided to pick a number. When you’re sitting at nearly 300 pounds, your goal weight is the LEAST of your concerns.   So I get to 150. I look at my body and know immediately I’m not “there” yet. I’ve been working out too hard to be satisfied with a half-done, half-toned body. So I changed my goal to a waist size – 32 inches. I got there in January and STILL didn’t feel done yet. The reason? I knew there was a more toned body in me somewhere. I didn’t know how it would look, but I KNEW deep down it was there.   So now I’m at 140.4. NOW the body I was hoping for is emerging. My final stubborn area – my lower stomach and hips – are getting stronger, carrying less fat and *gasp* getting flat, despite the fact that I’ve had two children and was morbidly obese for several years. What I thought was skin is turning out to have been fat because much of the “flap” is gone. That amuses me in so many ways. People worry so much about skin before they’ve lost any weight and you simply DO NOT KNOW what it will look like or be like until you get almost to goal.   So anyway, I really think 138 is where I want to declare “goal,” but I know my body will continue to change shape even after I hit that number. It just means I get to eat more food J   Anyway, when people say to you “Oh you’re too skinny!” or “Oh you’re losing too much!” or “You don’t need to lose any more!” remember that YOU are in charge of YOUR body. YOU get to decide how you want your body to look. I didn’t like the way it looked at 150. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like ME. I’m more comfortable with the way my body looks now. THIS is how I wanted it to feel.   I’m ready to take on those last few pounds, especially knowing that it is, finally, my goal number.

	We like to have a lot of fun on the WW 100+ To Lose boards. My friend, Palida, came up with this haiku. I just love her and it just made me laugh so I thought I'd share: Ignorance is bliss I can't tell feathers from dots Nobody likes me There are people online, as in real life, who just make trouble. Most people on the boards are legit, a few are not. Join us sometime and see what I mean. Just go to www.weightwatchers.com and click on Message Boards and go to 100+ To Lose. You really will find it most entertaining and enlightening.

Why Weight Watchers ticks me off
	Sometimes WW really ticks me off: http://tinyurl.com/3xfs7r   First of all, they want us to think of this program as a lifestyle change, not a “diet.” Second, that list has MAYBE two or three healthy foods on it. Come on! Why did they publish this as a list “dieters can’t live without”? Um, I live without most of that stuff just fine. AND I’m not a dieter. I was thinking it was a list of power foods and all I got was junk.   Just another way Weight Watchers, the corporation, makes me so frustrated. Their food, which I don’t eat ever, has a high sodium and high sugar content, so out of step with healthy eating, and I understand from those who have tried it, it disagrees with most people’s digestive system.   Chucklhd, a very smart chicka from the Sunday morning 100+ boards, put her list together and here’s what she said:   “A list of foods real people who choose to live a healthy lifestyle can't live without! (NON-Dieters!) Please add as the day goes on: artichokes apples blueberries brussel sprouts oatmeal milk yogurt cheese (ff or lf of course) chicken turkey fish carrots spinich ok this one may just be for me but Peanut Butter) I really need it!”   Here’s a website that lists some of the BEST power foods you can eat: http://www.clevelandclinic.org/heartcenter/pub/guide/prevention/nutrition/35powerfoods.htm. Good stuff.

January 12
	Happy new year! I'm just a few weeks from my 2-year anniversary on Weight Watchers. I can't believe how the time has flown. I especially can't wrap my brain around 152 pounds gone so far. My body has changed so much. It entered "familiar" territory at around 180, a weight I'd been for several years. Going down the scale to 170 and 160, I was feeling great, liking what I saw, etc., and then I hit 155 and I didn't recognize myself. I'd started working out at the gym when I weighed 168 and so this "new" body was unfamiliar, even though I was 150 pounds for several years in my 20s and early 30s. It was sculpting into something I didn't recognize. I developed muscles I didn't know I had. This was both exciting and terrifying.  Now at 143.6, I've become highly critical of my flaws. I have loose skin under my arm pits, along my belly and my inner thighs. It's not bad compared to what it could be, but I find myself getting mad at it, like it somehow chose to be there, like it has a mind of its own. Accepting these physical flaws is something I work on every day. I remind myself to not obsess and to love my body for all it is, both the good and the bad. My upper and lower hip bones are beginning to protrude, which looks kind of cool. My stomach, despite the skin, is shrinking nicely due to a solid 10-minute a day ab workout. The key for me is patience, something I have very little of. But I'm working on it.   I don't know when I'll get to goal since that will happen when my waist measures 32 inches. That's less than an inch away. I'm starting to worry now about maintenance. I know, why worry about something I'm not even doing yet, but it eeks into my mind quite often and so instead of ignore it, I try to learn what I can from it. I have to trust myself, trust my body. This journey is long from over. It's lifelong. I'm just now beginning to understand that. This is a photo of me in my new size 8 Levis! Below is a photo of my flat ass, the one I can NEVER find pants to stay up on.