OK, this is the hardest page to put out here. I was starting to really struggle with my weight right around the time I got married in 1998. By 1999 I weighed 215 pounds and I had had enough. I'd had high blood pressure most of my adult life (hereditary) and have been on medication since 1985. Losing weight does not affect the numbers, but gaining weight does. I decided to follow the DASH Diet from Harvard or Yale (I get them confused) and it is similar to the old Weight Watchers exchange program. I began in October and by December I had lost 25 pounds. I was back to 190 and my goal was 150.

That's the gang: Larry, my stepson Andy, me, my daughter Carlene, stepson Kevin and other daughter Cassie in our 1999 Christmas photo. They all look so little then, especially me! I can't wait to be 190 again.

A lot of emotional stuff was going in my life at this time. After 16 years I was finally authentically grieving the death of my first husband, Carlene's father, as a result of Carlene's high school project in which she wrote a biography of her dad with the help of several of his friends. Combine that with also grieving the loss of the old younger boyfriend (not so much him but what he did to me and said to me after we broke up), I was a mess. My doctor put me on Paxil and THAT nasty journey began. Actually, it did help me deal with the overwhelming emotions of that time, but I should've gotten off it as soon as the weight started piling on. But I was so numb I didn't really care.

By 2001 I weighed 240 pounds. Here's a photo of me with all my sibs and my parents at my dad's 70th birthday party in February 2001. It was a great party, but emotionally I was a wreck. I hated how I looked, was very anxious about what my sibs would think of my weight gain since I hadn't seen them in awhile. While no one said anything, the abuse I gave myself was more than enough. That's me second from the right next to my older sister who got me drunk the night before I graduated from college! The little guy in the far left corner is my other sister's son who wouldn't leave her side the whole weekend but who refused to smile that night.

This photo was taken in June 2001 when Carlene graduated from high school. I was 245 pounds there and absolutely hating the camera.

So, September 11 hits. My younger daughter, full of patriotic ideas, decided to join the Army Reserves. She was a junior in high school and only 17. After much discussion, I agreed to sign her entrance papers. She went to 9-week basic training at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri in summer 2002. Here we are at her graduation. I was never so happy to see someone in my entire life. The day I got to hold her in my arms again was a day I'll never forget. It was the summer from hell. I had just quit my job at the paper and bought an antique store earlier that year. 9/11 changed us all and for me it meant finding meaning in my life. Being my own boss has brought me much joy and strength. But I digress. In this photo below I weighed about 280. I had begun feeling more than just tired from being overweight and my periods were all screwed up. I even skipping a few. I was too young for menopause and I certainly wasn't pregnant. I found out I had hypothyroidism and probably had started developing it, gee, at about the same time I started Paxil, thus a double whammy with the weight gain. Good lord.   

Now we're getting to the hardest photos to post. By the time my brother and his wife came to visit in April 2003, I was near my highest weight. In this photo I weighed about 290. I absolutely hate how I look and nothing anyone says will ever make me like this photo. I didn't hate myself, but I hated how I looked.

And now for the final painful photo because I refuse to put anymore of my fat self on these pages. This is me with Cassie on her birthday just last December. I was almost at my "enough" point. A few weeks later I started losing weight - 15 pounds on my own and then joined WW in February.