Man, I just realized I forgot to go on wild spring break during my college days. Now I’ll never get to climb a mountain in an ad for herpes medicine. Who knew that sores on your penis could be so liberating?
The Butthole Surfers said that it’s better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do, but I’m not sure that statement extends to people. Because really, there’s a lot of people I think I’d regret more if I actually did them. My high school principal Gus, for example. Not that I had a chance with Gus, but I don’t know, I never really tried. I think it just would have made things awkward.
Dream Interpretation
Last night I had a dream that my ladyfriend and I were helping three ghosts that died in a car accident during the 1950’s find their way to, I don’t know, wherever ghosts go, in this case, I guess the big malt shop in the sky. Anyways, long story short, the lady grows a penis and asks me to give her a park bench handjob, I’m a little puzzled, but I do it anyway, because hey, what are friends for? So, my question is this, what is the significance of the fact that my dick was bigger than hers?
True stories are seldom funny. I guess you had to be there.
Moving on,
I am going to open a tapas restaurant. I’m going to call it, "Dry Humpers." If anyone here has ever been to Hooters, you get the general idea. More or less, a good looking guy will come to your table with a delectable spread of Mediterranean appetizers and grind his package into your Mom’s thigh until you accidentally end up ordering twice as much food as you want just to get him to go away. This will be a mystery to your mother, who will think that the young gentleman in the booty shorts actually views her as a sexual being, which is something that no one on Earth has done since your dad died. (Sorry about your dad.)
But here’s where Dry Humper’s will be better than every other Sexuality/Bar Food fusion restaurant, not every waiter will be physically attractive. Don’t worry, they’ll all be hung like churchbells, but some of the waiters will just have great personalities. They won’t be pushy, and they won’t look that great in the outfits that we make them wear, so you will get to feeling sorry for them, having to work in a place like this, and then maybe you will take them back to your place and blow them or just show them your collection of ceramic cats before telling them that you are saving yourself for Marie Francois Girbaud himself. I’m not speaking directly to you, Chris Waelti, but I highly doubt that the architect of the early nineteen nineties exceedingly high waisted pants craze is going to fly his jet to Central Wisconsin in his quest for true love.
So come on down to Dry Humper’s! Gay or straight, we can make you salivate. (I paid fifty grand to get that slogan dreamt up, so I’m going to fucking use it.) I’m not saying that I’m opening up a den of male prostitution disguised as a family restaurant, but I’m also not saying that I’m not. The codeword is, "Ramblin’ Ample Sampler," I know it’s a mouthful, but so is Terry.
Also, this job costs money to work at.
