Male

Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He?s as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there?s a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you?ve swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest.

Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.

Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armor. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the @ss, all Aries traits. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere?s dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance?s point of view he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only on that counts.

The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he flings with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He?s sure he?s right. Especially when he is wrong.

Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash, and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don?t be fooled by the shy type. He may come on all ?Aw shucks? and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.

On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago was a brass plate with the inscription Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare ? If you don?t swing, don?t ring. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at seventy-six.

Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He?ll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder.

When he appears at the table, he?ll expect you to have a gourmet?s delight in one hand and his favorite cold drink in the other. And, you?d better look like you just stepped out of

the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn?t want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of a Mommy and the ethereal qualitites of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centerfold.

He thinks he is indestructible, but he?s extremely accident prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totaled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent headaches.

Just as he is either brash or shy, he?ll either be spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You?ll have to clip coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk while he plays Mr. Fix-It with the plumbing. You?ll learn to sew and to raise your own veggies while he attacks his latest money making scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practice road rage in the church parking lot. If he?s loose with cash, you?ll have to work two jobs to keep the creditors off your back and a roof over your heads.

Mr. Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then want to screw your brains out the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardor as you?re bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.

Your favorite Martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he?s going out with the boys, and a Capricorn would tell you he?s working late at the office, but Aries needs to rationalize his bad behavior. If you?re the b_tch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.

Female

She is independent, fun loving, and honest. She?s not a game player or easily shocked. This lady can clean her own house, balance her own checkbook, and put the pieces of a shattered dream back together with such aplomb that no one?s the wiser. She loves romance, sentiment, and me who are bold. And her ardor will not fade over the years. Just a minute, bud. Before you jump in that long line of frantic, scrambling men, take note. Those haggard guys are looking for the nearest exit.

If it doesn?t begin with ?I? and end with ?me,? the female Aries isn?t interested in the conversation. Ask how her day has been and be prepared for all the boring details. She thinks that because she?s fascinated with herself, why, naturally, so are you.

A female Ram will compete with you on every level. Land a huge account, and she?ll tell you that it was just dumb luck, while touting her own conquest of the day. Tell her you just won the Lotto and she?ll say, ?That?s nice, but I just broke a fingernail!?

She?s impatient, critical, and will start and stop as many projects as a Gemini. The difference is that when Aries starts something, it?s with one intent only, to end up at the head of the line. There?s nothing altruistic about this babe. She wants power, status, and lots of dough. And, to get it, she?ll drive herself, and you, to frenzy. If you want to be treated like a man, marry any other sign in the Universe. If you want to be told what to wear, eat, think, plus be constantly reminded that she is faster, better, and smarter than you, here?s your girl. Think of Mama Rose in Gypsy, the eternal stage mother, the woman who expects everyone to live her dream, dangle in her shadow.

She?s as jealous as Scorpio. But, don?t mistake her green-eyed snarling as insecurity. Jealousy in all Rams come from the need to be first. Even the kids will have to take a backseat to her in your affections. Prone to frequent temper tantrums, she is the perfect example of a pushy broad determined to get her way come hell or high water. She?s not squeamish about who she has to walk on, or sleep with, to get to the top of her chosen field.

Joan Crawford and archrival Bette Davis are perfect examples of why the Aries female is known as the Queen B_tch of the Universe, and deserves the title. The legendary feud between the two stars was well known in the Hollywood of the forties and fifties.

Davis said of Crawford, ?She?s slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.? In return Crawford said, ?I don?t hate Bette Davis...take away the pop eyes, the cigarette, and those funny clipped words and what have you got??

When the pair co-starred in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Bette had a Coca-Cola machine installed to irk Joan because of her affiliation with Pepsi. Joan got revenge by putting weights in her pockets when Davis had to drag her across the floor during a key scene. In an interview after filming wrapped, Davis said, ?The best time I had working with Joan was when I pushed her down the stairs.?

Remember this with your own firebrand. For every night you snuggle with her on the sofa, you?ll spend the next ten either dodging verbal or physical darts, or in an endless whirl of friends, dinners out, and rushing to be the first in line at the latest movie.

The female Ram can outgun, outrun, outshoot, outtalk, and outsmart everyone around her. How do you know? Just ask her. Like a Leo man, an Aries woman is a legend?in her own mind.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Male

He?s patient, prudent, and persevering, a tower of strength on whom you can lean. You?ll fall for his shy charm and those big, sad eyes. He may remind you of a slow-talkin?, slow-walkin? hero like Gary Copper or Henry Fonda. His needs are simple: home and hearth, a good woman, and a nest egg for that rainy day. Before you start drooling, read on sweetie.

Taurus may offer old-shoe comfort, but what you?re likely to get is an army-boot mentality. Hook up with the Bull and either do things his way, or do your thing alone. He won?t mind your independence, if it benefits him in some way, and as long as dinner is ready when he appears.

Don?t expect to be showered with praise and lavish attention. Do expect to be cast into the role of the little woman. Of all the men in the Universe, this one expects the 1950's text book version. He will buy your clothes, pick your friends, and criticize your beliefs. He is judgmental and fixed in his ideas, attitudes, and prejudices. Nothing you can say or do will change him. You?ll have the distinct feeling of being boiled alive slowly, just as the proverbial frog, and you will be right. Mr. T invented the smothering relationship.

He is jealous, possessive, and obsessive. Piss him off and he?ll hold a grudge. Unfortunately, it?s not a silent one. He will snipe and pick and make nasty remarks until you want to bash his head with the nearest blunt object.

William Randolph Heast provides a classic example of the Taurean love of possessions gone berserk. He spent tens of millions of dollars to build himself a real castle filled with priceless art and furnishings from all over the world. According to Hollywood legend, Hearst built the castle for his ladylove, Marion Davies, because his wife refused to divorce him. Talk about a gilded cage and a grim fairy tale. You would think a guy with all that power and dough would have no trouble buying off a wife. Well, Marion didn?t get a wedding ring and she didn?t get the castle. It was his castle, filled with his possessions. She was just a living adornment for the furniture.

The Taurean love for food is renowned, and the Bull likes to eat. By your second anniversary he could be wearing triple-X sweats and a truss. He is capable of eating himself into multiple heart attacks and will expect you to play nurse for real.

His idea of excitement is switching from the food channel to Wrestlemania. It?s convenient, not too far from the refrigerator, and best of all, doesn?t cost anything. You may be irresistible, and he may love you madly, but he will never understand why you need any other company but his. If he does take you out, it will be to one of his favorite restaurants, where he?ll be too busy stuffing his face to make decent conversation.

He?s a cheapskate. Only a Taurus could live on a beer and beans budget unnecessarily. He may have millions, but you?ll never see the bank accounts, although you might get an allowance. If you do get his money, it will only be because you outlived him, or murdered him in his sleep. The latter will become a tempting idea as time goes by.

Sigmund Freud?s use of psychoanalysis was a breakthrough in the filed of psychiatry. But only a Taurus man could be at once so obtuse and so egotistical as to define a woman?s frustrations and unresolved emotional distress as penis envy. Freud?s Scorpio ascendant only fueled his obsession with sex. Virtually all of his theories held sex responsible for all the emotional ills of mankind. Including Sigi, who had a lengthy affair with his wife?s younger sister. The original Freudian slip.

The Bull?s favorite game is Grand Inquisitor. He will expect you to report every detail of your day. He will also rummage through your private papers and read your diary at the first opportunity. If you have a past and are foolish enough to reveal it, he is capable of using it against you at any time for the rest of your life. Your best bet is a safe-deposit box, and to lie your @ss off.

He is so stable, he?s inert. Work and home are all he knows, or needs. Although he?s marathon man between the sheets, what he really wants is a housekeeper, and is so insensitive that you must hit him with a skillet to get attention. If you?re the type who needs excitement now and then, you could lick the light socket or have an affair. With a Taurus man, I?d opt for the former. The Bull is not the forgive-and-forget type. Although he hates change, he is perfectly capable of tossing you out on your ear one day and moving in your replacement the next.

Female

She is Mother Earth in a black teddy. She is faithful, courageous, and strong. The Taurus woman seeks security and a dependable mate. Money is not important as long as you can provide a nice home and the basic necessities. She has a refreshingly simple viewpoint of life. Picture fresh-baked bread, a cozy love nest, and her dainty hand in yours. Before you fall on your knees to offer that engagement ring, picture an iron hand in that little velvet glove.

She?s as tough as nails, no matter how hard she tries to convince you, and herself, otherwise. She is also a victim. You, on the other hand, will be a bastard from the instant you slip the wedding ring on her finger. Don?t forget it.

If you argue, beware; she has all the wrath of her male counterpart and the same penchant for violence. Without hesitation, she will throw whatever she happens to have in her hand, including a butcher knife, at your head.

Food is an emotional pleasure. She will eat when she?s happy, depressed, angry, or just plain hungry, which is most of the time. By your second anniversary, her summer wardrobe will consist of an oversize blue muumuu and flip flops. In winter the muumuu will be red and she?ll replace the sandals with hunting socks. She?ll pull the whole outfit together with a woolen shawl she found at the secondhand store. Along with the weight gain will come a natural slowing down of the urge to keep the house tidy. Her reasoning will be that it only gets dirty again. She will, however, expect you to work two jobs to pay for her new car. She deserves it for putting up with you.

She likes to start family feuds, then sit back and observe the mayhem. Emotionally as sensitive as a drill sergeant, she spouts orders, makes pronouncements, plans everyone?s future, and expects blind obedience. Try to reason with her, and she?ll set her jaw and plant her swollen feet.

A female Taurus doesn?t believe in anything she can?t clutch in her greedy little hands. Possessing an idea, other than where her next meal is coming from, is as foreign to this lady as is the thought of you with another woman. Get caught with your pants down and she may refuse to believe her own eyes. Security, even with a lowlife, is more important than her self-esteem.

She?s easily depressed. Running out of vanilla ice cream can cause a funk. When down, she resembles the maniacal nurse in Misery. Yours may not be your greatest fan, but she?s certainly capable of hobbling you to keep you home. Not physically, but emotionally and financially. She will spend your money faster than you can earn it, while investing her in an account you?ll never find.

She is a martyr. She blames the world, her job, the kids, and you for her own faults. If she has four plates of lasagna, then is ill later, it?s your fault for letting her eat so much. If she runs over a cat on the way to work, it?s the cat?s fault for being in the road.

She is also a survivor. Consider Russia?s Catherine the Great. Her family was duped into allowing an arranged marriage with the heir to the throne of Russia. When the prince turned out to be a half-wit, and Russia, a near-barbaric country, Catherine?s mother protested the travesty and was dispatched back home without a good-bye. Catherine was nineteen.

Kate the Great not only survived; she thrived. She used her earthy sensuality to screw her way into the hearts of the prince?s personal guard and soon produced a bouncy, and normal, baby boy. Rumor had it that the baby?s father was a Cossack guard. Didn?t matter to a people who had been subjected to the whims of a madman. Later, with another lover?s help, Catherine seized power, had the evil emperor dispatched, and saved the country. She ruled for nearly forty years.

Your lady bull is much less likely to kill you to get revenge, but she will get it, just the same. She won?t use emotional blackmail, as a Water sign would, or come at you screeching like a Fire sign. She prefers the role of judge and jury and to exact her punishment for the rest of your life.

When you?re ready to dump her, and who could blame you, make all your preparations in secret and take a day off work to move out without her knowledge. Sounds cruel, but it could save you a trip to the hospital, or the morgue. If you behave so consistently bad that she throw you out, just toss your toothbrush and one change of underwear in a paper sack and hit the road. She will keep everything else. Unfortunately, for her, it takes a lot to make a Taurus kick you out. She is the original ball and chain. Make her cry, and she will lie on the couch sucking up the Haagen-Daz all day. Make her mad, and you?ll lie on the floor, nursing a black eye.

Gemini May 21-June 20

Male

He is simply irresistible. The Gemini man is a fun-loving, independent, roguish romantic who has a doctorate in flirting. He can cook an exotic dinner. Then dance with you in the starlight, point out the constellations, and capture your heart with his beautiful version of their myths. Don?t invite the wedding guests yet. While you are mentally compiling the guest list, he will excuse himself to get you a fresh glass of chilled wine, and while in the kitchen, manage to phone three other girls for dates next weekend. The only thing this schmoozing, womanizing, party animal is interested in is adding your phone number and bra size to his ever-increasing list of victims.

Gemini movie star Errol Flynn was long regarded as the black sheep of Hollywood. The phrase ?in like Flynn? was coined as tribute to his ability to score. His real-life adventures, rebellions, and general unruliness rivaled those of the swashbuckling heroes he portrayed. Flynn was married three times and cheated on all of his wives. His first wife, French actress Lily Damita, said, ?You never know when he?s telling the truth. He lies for the fun of it.?

His life was one of the cheerful excess. But, by his late forties, his hurricane-force existence had taken its toll, and he was a burned-out shell of his former, lively self. Flynn died of a heart attack at fifty.

Your Twin will probably not be quite as bad, but all Gemini men have a gypsy moth?s fatal attraction to a pretty face. Totally faithful Gems do exist, but are rarer than a shy Sagittarius. In fact, the word faithful has a different meaning to a Gemini man. Think of Gemini Brigham Young, the Mormon founder of Salt Lake, who had twenty-seven wives. I?m sure that, in his mind, Brother Brigham considered himself a devoted and faithful husband. In my mind, he was in Gemini Paradise.

Yours will have five hobbies, four careers, and an assortment of friends that resemble a mini-United Nations. But, his intellectual prowess is limited to his memorization of the various versions of Trivial Pursuit and entertaining his friends by tearing you to pieces with his merciless, acerbic tongue. He lives to put down people, and will call you fat @ss in public, or snap his fingers at you when his glass is empty.

Cold-hearted and calculating, he is a blatant social climber and will propose on the first date if he smells money. As a husband, he is ambivalent. The only thing this guy?s passionate about is being entertained.

If you think love means being together at least some of the time, sharing dinner, and watching the tube, you had better find yourself a homey Cancer, or a quiet Virgo, and send this horny hound dog packing. Or you could look on the bright side. You may be hysterical and freaked out half the time, but you?ll never be bored.

Female

A Gemini woman is a breath of fresh air. She is generous of spirit and heart, and has lots of friends. Her ideal man is original, busy, and has absolutely no desire to pin her down in any way. She is witty, fun loving, and eternally curious. She can systematically juggle a home, a career, family responsibilities, and several hobbies. Before you decide this vivacious whirlwind is for you, understand that her usual hobbies are other men.

A female Twin is the satin-clad, glamorous, sex-using female version of the Hollywood heel. She is her own worst enemy who attracts men who are just as shallow in a classic case of the user being used. She splits her Twin nature, forever chasing a fantasy, while simultaneously looking for Big Daddy.

Consider Gemini Marilyn Monroe. Sex kitten in public, Monroe spent her private life looking for a stable home and a man who would take care of her. However, in true Gemini form, she never allowed anyone to get close enough, or hang around long enough, to establish a lasting relationship. Although she often complained bitterly that no one took her seriously, she was never willing to give up the glamour and attention to seriously pursue any of the intellectual and archetypical Gemini-duality, Marilyn lamented that all she wanted was a husband and a home, but she also said, ?I have too many fantasies to be a housewife.? She oozed sexuality, but if she had any true intellectual bearing, she traded it early on in favor of the spotlight. In an interview at the height of her career she said, ?I seem to be a whole superstructure without a foundation.?

Of course, your Gemini will be much more stable, and less bimboesque, but she also will be a woman of many interests, all dependent upon her mood of the moment, and what or whom, she?s found to drag home to examine, probe, and/or fall in love with temporarily.

She loves gossip, and her detective skills are superlative. In fact she wold make a good private eye, or spy, except for a fatal flaw. While she can keep a secret, she often can?t resist sharing juicy bits of gossip, especially if it makes her look good in comparison. If you insist on confessing your own dark past, don?t say I didn?t warn you.

Gem lives to set things straight. You included. She will smother you with love and devotion?for about five minutes. Then begin the task of changing you for your own good. She will toss at you with hurricane force books, tapes, seminars, advice, and examples from her own life. She will find you a job, a counselor, and an in-patient facility and expect a progress report each evening.

Auntie Mame, the story of a freewheeling, live-life-to-the-hilt, independent woman, is the ultimate portrait of the Gemini female. Superstar Rosalind Russell won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Academy Award for her portrayal of this madcap lady. Perhaps that was because Russell was a Gemini and recognized the character on a soul level. The movie?s tag line, ?Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!? sums up Ms. Gemini?s philosophy in a nutshell.

Cancer June 21-July 22

Male

The first thing you?ll notice is his genuine, and adorable, smile. The Cancer man is sweet, chivalrous, and has a wonderfully offbeat sense of humor that can be downright loony. He is sentimental, sensual, and truly affectionate. He is a traditionalist who respects the proprieties of courtship, believes in family and forever, and he?s absolutely the best snuggle-bunny in the Universe.

You may see an ideal mate, but what you get is an ideal stalker. A male Crab?s idea of devotion is bonding at the hip, so unless you are prepared to become his Siamese twin, run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. In bed he is tender, but so passive that you?ll soon tire of always being on top.

His devotion is legendary. However, don?t say ?I do? until you understand that this extends to every friend and relative he?s ever had, especially Mother. It?s not above him to wait until the honeymoon to tell you she?s coming to live with you as soon as you return.

He?s subjective. His favorite game is Guess How I?m Feeling? You will be expected to read his mind, sense his moods, and mend his fragile ego, all without benefit of knowing what has upset him. Don?t worry. Everything upsets him. Forget to buy toothpaste, and he?ll decide you don?t love him anymore. Say you want a night out with the girls, and he?ll expect divorce papers in the morning.

Conversely, he will be so blind to your feelings that you will soon find yourself thinking of ways to escape. Try talking rationally and he will become morose and overemotional. He?s so preoccupied with his own sensibilities, and his basic character is so convoluted, that he simply can?t believe you don?t feel exactly as he does on every issue. He?s as moody as the female Crab, and punishes any perceived slight by retreating into his metaphorical shell to pout.

Consider Cancer Ross Perot?s run for the presidency. Perot prided himself on playing daddy, boss, and teacher to us less enlightened folks. When faced with the inevitable opposition, he took it as a personal affront; packed up his charts, graphs, and pointer; and went home. In typical Cancer fashion, after a suitable period of withdrawal (e.g. punishing those who would not see his light), he decided he might jump back in the political ring if asked. I suppose he?s still waiting.

The male Crab is as paranoid about security as the Bull but, in a financial crisis, will expect you to do all the nasty stuff like making a budget or working two jobs to ensure the family?s future. He?ll be too ill with a case of stressed-induced acne to show his face in public.

He will stop at nothing to get you to agree with his point of view, even if it?s only on the best flavor ice cream. Anything less is total rejection. First, he will explain in excruciating detail why pecan is better than black walnut. Next he?ll try his rote lost-boy look to win your acquiescence. If neither tactic works, he will sigh, say he?s not hungry, and sit brooding in front of the TV. You better be prepared to either give in or live in silence. Before you gratefully choose the latter, remember silence to a Crab is punctuated with long, mournful sighs, minor or major groans, and frequent whimpering mutters.

A prime example of a male Crab in action is King Henry VIII. When Henry wanted to divorce his first wife, Catherine (a Sagittarius), in order to marry Gemini Anne Boleyn, you would think he would have said, ?So be it.? Instead, in typical Cancer style, Henry tried to ensure that everyone in the kingdom agreed with him. He dragged out the barge, visiting his royal advisors up and down the Thames. He petitioned the Pope for an annulment, even encouraged Catherine to say their marriage was never consummated.

When Catherine refused, he locked her in the Tower of London. When the Pope refused, King Crab created the Church of England, installing himself as its secular head. Through alternating displays of temperament and torture, he secured most of his noblemen?s support. Then, true to his changeable nature, he had Anne beheaded, in just under three years of marriage, after it had taken him five years to fight the battle to marry her in the first place.

While your Crab will probably not have you dispatched, he is totally capable of blinding himself to everything that doesn?t reflect his narrow, ever-changing viewpoint. And you will suffer a tedious display of relentless carping and whining aimed at securing your slavish, unquestioning devotion.

Since you?re in a no-win situation anyway, you might as well tell him you like boysenberry sherbet, you?ve just quit your job, and by the way, is that a pimple sprouting on the end of his nose?

Female

Kind and mothering, the Cancer woman instantly makes you think of apple pie and a crackling fire. Your lady Crab has a delightful, whimsical sense of humor and a generous, compassionate heart. She expects a man who is faithful, thoughtful, and stable. Her life revolves around you, family, and a select circle of friends.

Before you try to sweep her off her dainty little feet, you might reread the old poem The Spider and the Fly. A female Crab weaves what appears to be a cozy love nest, complete with devoted companion. Set one hairy little foot inside, and you?ll get struck in a tangle of emotional blackmail forever.

Your home will be a shrine to her life-to-date. The walls are covered with pictures of relatives, friends, and the clown she met when she was three. Every Cancer woman has a box stashed somewhere that?s full of single earrings, corks from wine bottles, seashells, postcards, and at lest one of her baby teeth.

She is emergency-phobic. Her car will be packed with a first aid kit, dried fruit and trail mix, bottled water, pillows, and a homing beacon in case you are ever lost in the desert. The fact that you live at the beach and she rides a bicycle to work is of no consequence.

She?s so vague that it?s often hard to tell if she is listening intently or sleeping with her eyes open. And, although she will cry profusely and apologize because she spilled coffee on your autographed poster of Mark McGwire when she took it off the wall to dust behind it, you will never know whether it was an accident or your punishment for staying out too late with your friends last week.

Being true to her Crabby character, Lizzie Borden at first ignored her new stepmother. When that didn?t work, she resorted to a series of calculated and well-timed emotional outbursts. Ever the maneuvering Crab, Lizzie waged a behind-the-scenes ware of wills while her public image remained one of pious Sunday school teacher and benefactress. I doubt that she planned the double murder. I theorize that her frustrated inability to drive an emotional wedge between hated stepmother and beloved father finally exploded into a megacase of Cancer hysterics. Remember that if you are determined to wed one of these moody, clinging, moon-ruled lunatics.

Lady Crab is a grazer. To win her, keep your pantry stocked with fattening, filling food of no nutritional value. Her idea of a good home-cooked meal is potatoes and gravy, biscuits and jelly, and a double hot fudge Twinkie-split.

Your Crab may fool you into thinking she wants you to take charge, but in reality she will control you through a series of well-executed near-death experiences, various psychosomatic illnesses, and regular 2 A.M. visits to the emergency room. Any remaining time will be spent reminding you of her many sacrifices on your ungrateful behalf over the years.

Her anger is part tragic queen and part shrewd manipulator. Call to say you have a late meeting, and your Crab will whisper, ?That?s OK. I understand.? Before you hang up she will tell you how long she slaved over your favorite meal despite a blinding headache. Oh, and there?s no aspirin in the home, but she supposes she will live until you get home. Imagine weak laugher at this point. You will feel like a jerk for the rest of the evening. She, on the other hand, will hang up the phone, smile, fix herself a plate of leftovers and flip on the TV. On the surface, a female Crab always seems so harmless. So did Lizzie.

Leo July 23-August 22

Male

A Leo male is warm hearted, generous, and dignified. He?s a genuine romantic you won?t have to tempt twice to go for a moonlit stroll or to your favorite hideaway for the weekend. The Lion seeks a mate who is stable, family oriented, and intelligent. His family adores him, he keeps his friends laughing, and he?s always the center of attention. In the office. In jail. At the beach. He?s the center of attention. Always.

His favorite game is Commander-in-Chief. A Leo will snap off orders with the crispness of a general ordering his troops and expect you to move at double time to wait on him hand and foot. He demands to be rewarded for coming home in the evening and he demands your respect, whether he deserves it or not. Should he remember your birthday, nothing but a blatant display of fawning will satisfy his ego.

He rarely loses his temper as long as you call him ?master? while bowing in respect. Challenge his authority, and he will roar, kick the sofa, and issue a couple of ultimatums designed to strike fear in your heart. As soon as the scene is over, everything is forgotten. Be stupid enough to deliberately wound Lion?s pride or, worse, attack his dignity, and you?ll soon feel like a pound of ground round being sized up for dinner.

If he?s a quiet Lion, he?ll be a benevolent dictator who wants you to hover over him constantly. He?ll want you to rub his aching shoulders and tell him how fit, strong, and wonderful he is, no matter what his age or physical condition. He, on the other hand, will not hesitate to tell you that your hair is a mess, your @ass is too big, and that you have the intelligence of a gnat. When you burst into tears, he will be genuinely shocked because, in his mind, he was only trying to give you the benefit of his wise counsel.

Study the character of Professor Henry Higgins in Leo George Bernard Shaw?s play Pygmalion if you want an object lesson in the character of a male Lion. After berating, humiliating, and lecturing Eliza Doolittle, he refuses to praise her efforts and, instead, takes credit for her success. In typical Leonine befuddlement, Higgins runs shouting for his mother when the girl finally tells him to get lost. Eliza had to be a Capricorn.

In a playful mood, the Lion may act like a clown, but there?s nothing easygoing about his nature. Tell him he?s being silly, and his mood will change faster than a Cancer under the full moon. Leo wants an audience not a critic.

He?s cocky. At his worst, he?s a combination of Felix the Cat and Napoleon on steroids. He?ll wear dark glasses at night and make passes at anything that walks, crawls, or slithers. He?ll spend money faster than you can earn it. And by the time he?s forty, will resemble an aging teenage hoodlum with his beer gut hanging over his too-tight Levi?s.

It?s said that Leo men always look taller than they really are. This is because they wall wear either shoes with lifts or cowboy boots with four-inch heels. Leo shorty Napoleon Bonaparte invented high-heeled shoes for himself, not Josephine.

He will drive a monster pickup that you have to use a ladder to climb into. When he skids into your driveway after knocking over the mailbox, he?ll lean on the horn until you appear, then kick the passenger door open with one of his four-hundred-dollar steel-toed boots. Ever the gallant, when he notices he can?t see your eyes over the running board, he?ll jump out to assist you, and gleefully chant, ?Gropin? and Hopin?,? while standing behind you.

His vanity knows no bounds. He?ll have a tattoo on his butt and not hesitate to drop his drawers at the poolroom to show it off. He, of course, thinks he?s the world?s greatest lover, which he announces to anyone withing a ten-decibel range. However, there?s really very little to be said. Two words do come to mind?frequent and enthusiastic. His definition of foreplay is ?Get in the truck.?

Everything about a male Lion is exaggerated. Leo Diamond Jim Brady not only had a huge appetite for food but for lavish excess as well. True to his Leonine nature, Diamond Jim was the most flamboyant character of his time. The owner of his favorite restaurant called Brady his ?best twenty-five customers.? Brady regularly tipped one hundred dollar bills for two-dollar taxi rides, and his famous collection of thirty complete sets of jewelry was estimated at the time in excess of one million dollars. Diamond Jim was just as extravagant in love. He had a dozen gold-plated bicycles made so he and long-time girlfriend Lillian Russell could cruise Central Park in style. Her favorite bike had handlebars covered with other-of-pearl and spokes decorated with rubies and sapphires. In true Leo style, Diamond Jim was both vulgar and magnificent.

Whether yours is a stuffy, overbearing egotist or a wild and woolly jungle cat, the key to taming a Lion is knowing how to react. Next time he?s snarling, lecturing, and posturing in the kitchen because dinner is five minutes late, ignore the fit, smile, and tell him how nice it was of him to fix the neighbor?s lawn mower yesterday. He?ll start to bluster, puff out his chest, and forget all about chastising you. Then he?ll agree it was nice of him. It was damn fine, as a matter of fact. And, during dinner, he?ll regale you with the tale of his virtuous deed. It?s that attention thing.

Female

She?s loyal, steadfast, and true. Her animal magnetism is tangible whether she?s wearing blue jeans or a business suit. The Leo woman seeks a mate who is attentive, romantic, and hardworking. She?s sentimental, fun loving, and her view of life is refreshingly simple. ?All ways here are the queen?s ways.? This line from Alice?s Adventures in Wonderland describes, with near-perfection. Leo woman?s personality. Remember this, and chances are you two will get along fine. If you refuse to acknowledge her omnipresence, remember this warning. No matter how quiet or charming your Lioness appears on the surface, her metaphorical claws are just as sharp as her four-legged sister roaming the plains of Africa.

She?s more hussy than Highness. This woman carves just as many notches on her headboard as her male counterpart does, and is the one woman in the Universe who writes her own phone number on the locker-room wall. She loves the mirror as much as Libra does and lives for luxury, as does Capricorn. The difference is, her mirrors are guilt-edged and sively but understated, the Lioness prefers an Aries Bob Mackie knock-off she got on sale. Her motto is, ?If you?ve got it, flaunt it. If you don?t, fake it.?

This is also true in the bedroom. She may play the sex kitten, but a Leo woman is more interested in power than porno. If you are good-looking, have money to burn, are a power player, or can introduce her to someone who is, she?ll drape herself over your bed or the backseat of your Lincoln just long enough to test whether you know the difference between a Radiant-cut and a Princess-cut. If you jokingly say, ?Hairstyle,? expect a look that could melt sand into glass. If you?re serious, you?re probably an Aquarius.

In love, she expects weekly flowers, daily phone calls, and a romantic getaway at least once a month. Unless you are rich, you?d better start applying for a low-interest second mortgage if you don?t want to lose her to a Capricorn in Gucci loafers. She?ll probably work, but will spend her salary on day spas, make-overs, and the latest fad diet.

The female Lion appreciates humor. Hers. She laughs at her own jokes and when at full throttle, can be as loud as Leo Lucille Ball. Except you won?t be able to turn down her sound, and she won?t shut up until she?s ready. Those blase wisecracks she dispenses at dinner seem natural and off-the-cuff. Actually, she spent three hours on the Internet sorting spam this afternoon.

Leo Mae West is a classic example of the archetypical female Lion. West?s outrageous style and nonstop sexual innuendo were her trademarks. Only a Leo would have the brass to write, produce, and star in a play called Sex in 1925. She became notorious for one-liners such as, ?I?m a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it,? and ?When I?m good, I?m very good, but when I?m bad, I?m better!? She was smart, sly, and way ahead of her time.

True to her over-the-top Leonine character, West pushed her luck too long and too hard. At eighty-five she still wore hair cascading over her shoulders, although it looked more like a damp mop than a silky mane. Her makeup was garish and she propped herself up on the arms of sweating bodybuilders young enough to be her grand kids. West had become a caricature. The hooker with a heart of gold turned into a hag who refused to relinquish the spotlight.

Yours won?t be quite as vain, but will demand lots of attention. Whether she?s quiet and regal, or slinky and untamed, a Leo woman is as high-maintenance as they come.

Virgo August 23-September 22

Male

He?s faithful, thoughtful, and cool-headed during a crisis. A Virgo man will be home in time for dinner, help you balance the checkbook, and help raise the children. Whether he?s as sexy as Sean Connery, or as silly as Peter Sellers, he will always be by your side. He?s conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind, and loyal. Sounds like a real Boy Scout, doesn?t he? Well, he is?the bargain basement version.

Life with a male Virgin is like being pushed into traffic when you don?t want to cross the street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye for improving everything except his own conduct, he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a pti bull locked onto a mailman?s leg, and just as unsympathetic.

At his worst, he?s a classic chauvinist, dismissing what he doesn?t believe and believing only what?s convenient to his point of view. His one talent for conversation is a nonstop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won?t hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.

At his best, he has the kind of predictability that will give you sleeping sickness. He?ll expect dinner promptly at six, where you will exchange news of the day?s events. Then he?ll spend an hour with the children, who will go to bed exactly at eight. Next comes an hour of telling you how to improve your housekeeping abilities. Finally, he?ll retire to his home office where he?ll spend the rest of the evening mumbling over the bills or developing a plan for your self-improvement.

His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a sensible statement.

Throughout his career, legendary Hollywood producer Virgo Samuel Goldwyn adamantly refused to compromise his search for the finest talent, directors, screen writers, and technical crews. You can?t argue with perfection, and The Goldwyn Touch set a standard or excellence that has been seldom, if ever, matched. Sam also had an unmatched Virgo talent for trying to act superior and coming off as a total goofball.

When his secretary asked for permission to destroy files over ten years old, Goldwyn said, ?Yes, but keep copies.? He?s also credited with such gems as, ?Give me a couple of years, and I?ll make that actress an overnight success,? ?If I look confused, it?s because I?m thinking,? and ?True. I?ve been a long time making up my mind, but now I?m giving you a definite answer...maybe.?

Argue with yours, and he?ll stare at you as if you?ve just lost your mind, for he can?t believe you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word by word, the conversation, question, or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and will apologize just to shut him up.

You can take comfort in the knowledge that if you are determined to force his hand, you can send him to bed with a stomachache. The fact that he?s pretending to be ill, and he knows you know it, makes no difference. All male Virgo will feign anything from a headache to a heart attack if he feels cornered. He?s as loath to confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces, but where Pisces fears confrontation itself, Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-fee him. If he can?t control you with his superiority, he?ll try to by appearing helpless.

He may appear to be calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but on the inside he?s pure Felix Unger. The effeminate, priggish, germ-phobic half of the Odd Couple is a classic example of the Virgo male. In his unyielding efforts to save slob Oscar from his boorish ways, Felix totally lost sight of his flapping, nonstop derision of Oscar?s lifestyle, coupled with his melodramatic hypochondria, is totally Virgo.

If you want romance and love songs, choose any other sign (except Capricorn), because you won?t find it with this man. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he?ll complain he can?t see what he?s eating. He?ll talk a lot about sex and isn?t above promiscuity, even the legal kind, except Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it?s tax season, then revise that schedule to Saturday from 9 to 9:15. He?s so methodical that you can put a cake in the oven and be assured that his buzzer will go off five minutes before the kitchen timer.

A Virgo man is nervous, nitpicky, and as selfish as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to lose control, and even then he will try to orchestrate the outcome. Like Mr. Spock, too much unbridled passion makes his brain melt.

Female

The Virgo woman is kind, caring, and very real. Her exterior may be calm, but her feelings are delicate and she seeks a mate who is intelligent, considerate, and warm-hearted. She believes in true love and is discriminating enough to wait until she finds it. That?s why there are so many Virgo old maids.

Queen Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen, reigned alone as England?s monarch for forty-four years. The marriage of a queen regent was extremely complicated, and Elizabeth did not want to make an unpopular match. At least that?s history?s version. True to her perfectionist Virgo nature, Good Queen Bess marched suitors from around the world in and out of her court for twenty-five years, eliminating each one for various and sundry reasons. They either were the wrong religion, not intelligent, too poor, too political, not powerful, or too powerful. Elizabeth nitpicked her way to spinsterhood as only a female Virgo can.

If you manage to survive your Virgin?s checklist of partnership virtues (and she has a long one), you will soon find that living with a Virgo female is like being enrolled for life in the School of Unattainable Perfection.

She?s critical. A female Virgin will analyze and critique everything from your choice of cars to the way you slice the Thanksgiving turkey. She will count the number of peas you eat and lay a neat pile of vitamins beside your water glass. She will expect you to use the proper fork; a crumpled napkin tossed in the middle of your bread-polished plate will send her into a nervous fit. She?s a creature of habit. Tell this woman you will arrive at eight, and you had better be on time, or five minutes early. One minute late is inexcusable.

To her, a perfect weekend consists of nagging the family into cleaning the closets or replanting the garden while she criticizes every move, then later makes herself sick by redoing everything. Although she considers herself well organized and tidy, your home will always look as if pirates have just ransacked it. That?s because she?s too busy making her to-do list to do anything.

When angry, she is fussy and inflexible. The best thing to do is apologize, even if you have no idea what set her off. Otherwise you will suffer a garrulous scolding that will make you wish she?d just had your ass dragged over a bed of hot coals.

As a love object, think of her as a fortress to which you are about to lay siege. Launch your first attack with a show of brainpower and gift her with a couple of thought provoking books. Next, spit-shine your shoes, buy a new shirt and some crisp-smelling cologne. Clean is a holy word to a Virgo female and you?ll knock a chink in her armor with a pristine appearance.

Finally, when you are knocking on the door of the Virgin-Heaven, be patient. A Virgo woman is full of passion?once you get through the terrycloth robe, nightgown, socks, Vicks, and cold cream.

Libra September 23-October 22

Male

He?s funny, charismatic, and oozes charm. His sense of style is impeccable and his lively, friendly personality puts him at the top of everyone?s A-list. A Libra male is an idealistic dreamer who believes in world peace and fair play. He will take you to the most expensive restaurant in town, declare his adoration in front of the smiling patrons, and drop to one knee to propose. Before you exclaim, ?Yes, my darling,? make sure he?s still looking at you. By the time he?s slipped the engagement ring on your finger, he will have spotted his next conquest walking toward the bar.

A Libra man is perfectly capable of marrying you on Saturday and starting his next string of affairs on Sunday. He?s fickle, inconsistent, and constantly on the prowl. Never mind Aries or Gemini. When it comes to love, the male Libra is as flaky as a used car salesman sniffing out his next sucker deal.

He?s shallow. You may start thinking of a future together after a couple of rounds of his polished sexual prowess. However, to him, future is defined as until tomorrow morning, when he?ll most likely forget your name before he finishes flossing his dazzling white teeth.

He?s superficial. A Libra man prefers beauty to substance and expects to be blind sided by the emotion of perfect love. Oh, you?ll hear bells ring, but after the honeymoon, those harmonious chimes quickly turn to death knells. He doesn?t want a real woman who will jar him out of his escapist day-dreaming into a world of house payments and crying children. He wants a Barbie doll to cook, clean, and entertain his endless procession of casual friends.

He?s not into anger. Pick a fight with him, and you?ll get a half-hearted argument. Usually, he will verbally dodge, sidestep, and try to distract you from the original issue with all the nimbleness of a Capricorn skipping out on his alimony payments. Contrary to venting his anger, he will drive you to vent yours.

At best, he?s an indecisive bumbler who?s so easily distracted that he?ll get sidetracked into spending the day at the races with a friend he met in the supermarket while you and the kids wait for dinner. Or he?ll com home empty-handed from the paint store because he couldn?t decide which shade of green to buy from the hothouse.

At worse, he?s king of the lounge lizards. The seventies should be renamed the Decade of Libra Man. Wizened Lotharios from this era still have their blue polyester leisure suits, gold chains, pinkie rings, and an original bottle of Hai Karate. The modern versions wear leather vests over bare chests and strut like peacocks down the middle of the dance floor during the band?s break, hoping every eye is turned in their direction.

He?s master of double-speak. Think of Libra Oliver North?s statement, ?I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.? Ollie is the Libra poster child. The only thing this guy will spend hours rationalizing Is his bad behavior.

He?s also self-obsessed. Libra Timothy Leary used all of his formidable intelligence and personal magnetism to force the world to agree that his endless quest for a bigger high was actually the key to brave new worlds. When faced with the inevitable opposition, Leary reacted in typical Libra fashion. He devised an entire thought system to distract from his self-indulgence. In his mind, the rest of the world made a terrible errors in judgement by not embracing his philosophy. And that issue was more important to his Libra soul than providing that the path to God was sprinkled with LSD and magic mushrooms.

Mr. Scaly has a give-and-take nature. You give. He takes. He will expect you to flatter his ego, coo as he preens, and help him pick the tie that best matches his eyes as he prepares for a night out with his friends. You, on the other hand, must never depress him with the tedious details such as an overdrawn bank account or a leaky room. Whether his dimpled good looks outweigh his self-serving ego is your decision.

Female

She is the sweetheart of the zodiac. Discriminating, thoughtful, romantic, and fair minded, lovely Libra?s main objective is harmony and a meaningful relationship. She is warm, sensual and feminine, and you will have to compete with several other ardent suitors for her delicate hand. If you?re lucky someone else will win it. If you thought Snow White?s wicked stepmother was vain, jealous, and in love with her mirror, you?ve never fought a female Libra for a spot in the bathroom.

Along with Venus? smile, she?s inherited a goddess?s love of excess. A Libra female brandishes her credit card like a lethal weapon. God help you if it?s rained for three days, or the cat coughed up a hairball on the bathroom rug. Nothing chases away this woman?s blues like an afternoon of power shopping.

She never weighs the pros and cons of anything other than when is the best time for her next facial. It?s not that she is stupid; it?s just that a logical thought rarely makes it through the hair spray to her brain. By the time she?s sixty, she?ll more than likely be silicone from the ankles up. And, her decision-making skills are confined to turning in a circle three times and spitting over he left shoulder.

Just like her emotional structure, her famous taste for decorating is totally lopsided. She will live monk-style, with no furniture and a grass mat on the floor, or her home will look like the Smithsonian, crammed from floor to ceiling with every garish piece of ?art? she can drag home. The latter thinks any uncovered wall space is a mortal sin. The former hasn?t a clue so assumes less is more, and none is better than less. Both, however, will not hesitate to tell you what?s wrong with your color scheme, furniture selection, or that Ming vase in the entry?the one that, she thinks came from the Super K.

Super-Libra Emily Post was America?s etiquette guru for forty years. Post instructed the nation on the proper way to set a table, serve and eat a nine-course meal, write a thank-you note, decline or accept a invitation, and throw a wedding or a funeral. But in classic vacillating Libra style, Post continually revised her definition of ?good manners? to fit our changing society.

The female Libra craves attention, is usually promiscuous, and won?t care whether you are an in-law, outlaw, married, or on parole, as long as you are cute and know how to dance.

At the tender age of sixteen, Bonnie Parker decided her life was boring and eloped with one of the hometown bad boys. Soon after, her husband went to jail for petty theft. Enter Aires Clyde Barrow, an older and slicker version of the small-time hick she?d married. Bonnie instantly bonded to his charm and daring?and just as instantly forgot her jailed spouse. The fact that every cop in three states was on their trail made no difference; Clyde fit her Libra ideal. He worshiped at her dainty feet and when the money ran out, robbed another bak to buy her a new dress.

?We? is the Libra female?s favorite word. In romance she moves as fast as a starved hyena closing in on a limping wildebeest. Offer her a cup of coffee, and she?ll think you are after a date. Take her on a date, and she?ll plan the wedding. Marry her, and she will make a tender and affectionate lover, for about a week. Then she will present you with her Rules of Use list. For example: You must be willing to help around the house. You must not under any circumstances use her towel or her bathroom. The longer you stick around, the longer the list gets, finally including your sexual behavior.

She will cling to you long after you?ve moved out, even if parting was her idea. She?s not pining. She wants to assure herself that you are suffering and will try to exercise her power to call you on a moment?s notice for a quickie. If you are fool enough to fall for this and expect any tenderness afterward, or perhaps reconciliation,, forget it. By the time you get dressed and back to your place, Ms. Libra will be hot on the scent of her next kill.

Scorpio October 23-November 21

Male

Whether he is tall, dark, and handsome or short, blond, and chubby, a Scorpio man is idealistic, passionate, and loyal. He will mesmerize you with his candid, purposeful stare and capture your heart with his magnetic charm. He may be as cuddly as Sinbad, or as sexy as Leonardo DiCaprio; wear a white collar, a blue collar, or no collar at all; but here is the man who is sweetheart. Loving a male Scorpion is like falling for King Kong.

Oh, he?s sexy and, underneath that aloof exterior, surprisingly sensitive. Of course, that tidbit of knowledge may not help when you are handed divorce papers because you said his best friend was a low-life slob. Other guys might sit down to discuss their feelings. Mr. Intense will sit down and rip yours to shreds.

He is selfish. Never mind that you are married to him or in a serious relationship. The Scorpion?s idea of commitment is showing up for dinner most of the time. His emotion switch is set at sub zero and he won?t hesitate to be unfaithful until he?s dead. However, contrary to popular belief, he is not sex-crazed. That trait belongs to cousin Aries. Scorpio is terrified of deep emotional dependence on just one person, so, in his usual ass-backward way, he screws around precisely to avoid intimacy.

A male Scorpion has two reasons for living. The first is power. The second is control. He would control fate if he could?and some try. He will usually be a good provider because his desire for power and control drives him to become successful in his chosen profession. But money is rarely his primary motivation. Financial gain is only a by-product of becoming Mr. Big.

His moods change faster than a Pisces flipping the remote, and he will test your love by demanding the devotion of a religious fanatic at a revival meeting. He?s so jealous, possessive, and sarcastic that you will be tempted to poison his oatmeal. There?s no handling a Scorpion. You either put up with him or run like hell.

Deliberately awaken this man?s green-eyed monster, and you better have a shovel handy. You are going to need it to either defend yourself or dig your own grave. Remember this before you are foolish enough to plunge into an affair, or worse, a legally binding relationship.

The worst thing you can do to a Scorpio man is to not react to his emotional intimidation tactics. If he demands to be alone, applaud. Curb his sarcasm with a yawn. If he says he wants an open marriage, tell him you thought you already had one. When he announces he?s going out without you, tell him to have a good time, then smile as if you know something he doesn?t.. He?ll pretend to leave, park around the block, and sneak back to lurk in the bushes, convinced that you are cheating on him. He?s as obtuse as Taurus when he thinks he?s right and will stand in a rainstorm all night, muttering to himself, while you are cozy by the fireplace.

He communicates by threat. The foremost one is that he?s leaving you. He also lies. The only thing harder to rid yourself of than a Scorpio man is a Cancer woman.

A male Scorpion frequently looks like he just ate a catus. That?s because he spends half his life getting even for some real, or imagined, slight and the other half causing all his own troubles.

Consider Scorpio Teddy Roosevelt. During a summer break from Harvard, eighteen-year-old Roosevelt entertained several friends rom New York, including Edith Carow, a girl for whom he had great affection. Unfortunately, Edith (a Leo) flirted with several of his friends during the festivities, and Teddy reacted like a typical Scorpio. He married someone else. After his first wife died, again in classic Scorpio style, Teddy sought his first love. They were married thirty-three years and have five children.

Yours will be so secretive that he would rather have his fingernails pulled out than tell you what he had for lunch. He?s morbidly afraid that if he dares to share any serious facts, or fears, you may get the upper hand. That?s why he?s so good at small talk. He can blather for hours about every piece of minutiae in the world, but ask him a direct question, and he will clam up and rush outside to mow the lawn.

Your home will be either near water or hidden in a cul-de-sac behind a tall fence. He would live in a place that?s accessible only by helicopter, except that it would screw up his Thursday-night dates with the cocktail waitress at the Bowl-O-Rama.

If you do catch him between the wrong pair of sheets, he will put on such a display of groveling, whining, and beginning that you might think he?s suffered a breakdown. Don?t be fooled. He thrives on intensity and is as much masochist as manipulator. He will do anything it takes at that moment to gain your forgiveness, except change. Scorpio is Fixed Water. He exists in a bottomless well of churning emotional excess and is so embroiled in trying to figure out his own emotions that he will never understand yours.

Being sucked into the vortex of his charm is akin to getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. You may or may not survive the trip.

Female

There s nothing superficial about a female Scorpio. She is a woman of total confidence and grace. Her style is all classic chic, her manner friendly but reserved. She expects you to be strong, courageous, and ambitious. She is psychically astute and can sense the subtlest of changes in your mood, and pinpoint the cause, with the skill of a trained psychoanalyst.

That?s the good part. The rotten part is that Ms. Scorpio graduated from the Hannibal Lecter School or Therapy. She dispenses her opinions in a way that crushes your ego and destroys your pride in one fell swoop, much like chopping off your finger to cure a hangnail. She fears nothing, question everything, and will go to the ends of the earth for a friend or lover. She could read the Bible to the Devil and make him listen.

All Scorpio women instinctively know that the fastest way to a man?s heart is through his rib cage. Home may be your torture chamber, but it?s her sanctuary. Don?t ever betray this woman. Don?t threaten her or in any way endanger her security. And for God?s sake, don?t publicly humiliate her. There are women scorned and then there are Scorpio women scorned, and a betrayed female Scorpion is like Lady Macbeth on crack.

Consider Betty Broderick?s story, as researched by Joseph Geringer,. Broderick told authorities, ?I bought the program hook, line, and sinker?big sinker! Marry the man of your dreams...a good provider. I viewed everything as us. Dan never seemed to have that view. In the divorce, all the debts were fifty percent mine, but all the assets were one hundred percent his. I realize now that he was right when he said our battles would continue until one of the us gone.? In case you don?t remember, she is the lady who killed her lawyer ex-husband and his new, younger wife in 1989 after a particularly nasty, and public divorce.

Your female Scorpion will mostly likely not reach for a gun, but she will make you reach for hard liquor in a tall glass.

She is so politically astute, she can instantly analyze a room full of your peers and tell you exactly who will help further your ambitions and whom to avoid. In fact, she will manipulate both you and your career so skillfully you?ll think you ended up chairman of the board all by yourself. Not so. The female Scorpion craves power as much as her male counterpart and usually has a hidden agenda of her own. She will not hesitate to help you achieve your goals so she can achieve hers. Just ask Leo Bill Clinton.

She is also sullen, congenitally depressed, and has a penchant for staring into space for so long that you?ll think she?s catatonic. She is as cagey and manipulating as her sister Water signs, Pisces and Cancer. However, Ms. Scorpion will not hesitate to sleep her way to the top, if that?s the only ride she can get. She lives for scandal and can often be found at public executions or reading trashy tabloids.

Romantically, her sexuality is sensual and her desire is to merge with a man who is her equal. Trouble is she never considers any man her equal. She will try to make you her doormat and, when you are face down in the mud, tap dance on your back in her red stilettos. With a Scorpio woman, the best way to keep your love new is to give her a fresh coat of varnish once a month and keep her out of direct sunlight.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

Male

He?s honest, trusting, and eternally optimistic. He won?t restrict your freedom, or expect you to drop your nights out with friends in favor of staying home with him. He may have a wry perspective on life similar to Mark Twain?s or the diplomacy of Winston Churchill. An Archer wants a companion to accompany him on frequent, spontaneous outings to wonderfully diverse places, because to him, life is to be explored and enjoyed.

Before you decide he?s your soul mate, understand that a male Sagittarius has the same attitude toward commitment as does his mythological symbol, the Centaur. He spends all of his youth and most of his adulthood in continual heat. He is an accomplished lover, but it?s the deed he desires, not you.

You no doubt fell for his Boy Scout smile and talent for quoting Shakespeare while simultaneously unfastening your bra. But, as a partner, he makes a great friend, one you won?t see very often because his idea of home is a place to drop in when he needs a change of clothes or a shower. Since an Archer could happily live in a cave for months, eating crickets and contemplating his navel, even if you marry him, you?ll feel like you?re still single.

Don?t expect to lean on his shoulder or cling to his arm. Do expect to be his pal (or groupie) and to spend many nights alone. He?s neither jealous nor possessive. In fact, he wants you to have a life independent of his since that allows him more time for drinking beer with his buddies and following his favorite football team, around the nation. He is the one guy in the Universe who was born to be a bachelor. He won?t care how you dress, who your friends are, or where you spend your time, as long as you don?t bother him with the details. He?s too busy elucidating his latest theory for solving all the problems of the world.

archers have opinions on every subject under the sun, and cannot answer even simple questions with a plain yes or no ask if he wants a ham sandwich, and he?ll answer with the history of Earl of Sandwich, the sixteen different kinds of bread you could use to enhance the flavor of the meat, and a dissertation on mustard.

Michael de Nostradamus, the sixteenth-century French physician and mystic, had the distinct Sagittarian penchant for expounding on the mysteries of the Universe. In typical Archer style, the good doctor?s visions were not only voluminous, totaling more than one thousand, but were carefully crafted, allowing endless interpretations. This ensured that whatever happened, he could be credited with prophesizing the event. Only and Archer would be as audacious and irresponsible as to predict events two thousand years into the future. And only an Archer could do it with such a flair for the art of bullsh_t.

A male Sagittarius respects authority, as long as he?s the authority figure. Question his right to rule and you?ll soon understand the meaning of Jupiter?s wrath. He has a nasty temper and his volcanic eruptions result in expensive trips to the nearest home improvement center for wallboard, nails, and plaster.

He?s impulsive. Send him out for milk, and he?ll come home with reservations for the midnight flight to Peru. He might invite you along, and then again, he might tell you that since you both know he has more fun alone, he bought only one ticket. If he does take you, you will spend half your time dragging him out of the local hot spots where he?s trading pickup lines with the natives and the other half tracking him through the jungle as he searches for the meaning of life. You?ll be better off staying home hoping he gets kidnapped by pygmies.

The Archer?s favorite game is Bad to Worse. Tell him the sink backed up, and he?ll flood the basement because he forgot to turn off the water before he tore out the plumbing. Ask him to forgo one of his several nights out with the boys in favor of a quiet dinner at home, and he?ll rant and rave that you are smothering his need for freedom.

Even lovable Archer Walt Disney had a dark side. Remember all those endearing fairy tales he brought to the screen? Bambi?s dead mother and a raging forest fire. The orphaned Lion King stalked by his own family members. Snow White and Cinderella: One with a stepmother who wanted to cut her heart out, and the other who was forced to become a servant in her own home.

Yours will step on your toes, bore you with rhetoric, and hurt your feelings with a thoughtless remark. After all, he is a fire-breathing dragon. But, this guy is more like Pete?s Dragon, Disney?s character who flops along meaning no harm and leaving little lasting damage.

Female

She?s the original Pollyanna. The Sagittarius woman is independent, optimistic, and believes that honesty is the best policy. She?s not into self-pity, and you will find her genuine friendliness refreshing. She seeks a well-read, well-traveled partner. Picture a happy home, filled with laughter, spontaneity, and a woman who will accompany you to the ends of the earth.

Before you beg this bright little star to shine her light on you exclusively, please understand that not only is she afflicted with the same hoof-in-mouth disease as her male counterpart, all Sagittarian females are subject to a Twilight Zone-sort of serendipity that frequently causes them to be in the wrong place at the right time. She may not appear at dinner because she saw a cat stuck up a tree, dialed 911, and is trying to talk the firemen into letting her go up the ladder to rescue it.

She?s also chronically late. If she gets up three hours early to be at your side before surgery, she?ll get sidetracked into sorting the last six years? worth of phone bills into chronological order. Or, if she manages to make it out the door on time, she will have forgotten that today is also the neighborhood Cause-of-the-Month jag-a-thon, then forget you as she falls in step with her friends. She also falls down a lot, so don?t be surprised if she?s hobbling on crutches when she finally arrives at your bedside.

Her anger is like a flash fire that singes your eyebrows before you can drop and roll. Push her volcano button, and you will find yourself dodging assorted flying objects and buying a new set of glassware in the morning. She cools down rapidly but doesn?t forget easily, and will most likely spend the next several months entertaining friends and family with a detailed account of the fight. Although she will have everyone howling with laughter, you will have learned that public humiliation is her way of punishing you for being such a jerk.

U.S. temperance advocate Carry Nation exemplifies both sides of the female Jupiter-ruled nature. During her pre-hatchet-wielding days she was known as Mother Nation, because of her generosity. One of her colleagues said, ?Whatever she believes in she believes with her whole soul, and nothing except a superior force can stay her.? When she joined the temperance movement, her typical Sagittarian lack of forethought and self-righteous arrogance surfaced. Her Jupitarian wrath was so formidable that boxing champion Libra John L. Sullivan hid from her when she marched into his upscale bar in New York City. Nation?s bombastic wrath, independent personality, and unorthodox tactics were totally Sagittarian.

A female Archer can talk twenty minutes without stopping for air. She smiles so much you will think she?s had plastic surgery from the same quack that stitched up the Joker. And she overloads her life with projects, parties, causes, and casual friendships because she can?t stand to be alone.

She detests housework and most of the time your home will resemble the aftermath of a Level V tornado. Investing in a housekeeping service will keep the mold under control in the bathroom and ensure that you don?t lose the children in the rubble.

In love, your lady Centaur likes affection but hates it if you try to smother her. She cherishes her freedom as much as the male, but is less apt to have either a wandering eye or body. However, she will have many assorted male friends whom she continues to phone and have lunch and share a movie with now and then. So, if you are a suspicious Scorpio, possessive Taurus, or arrogant Leo, you should think several times before considering this lady as a long-term mate because she will expect your trust and refuse to change her lifestyle. She is extremely passionate, but prefers sexual adventure to cloying emotional scenes.

Whether she?s as outspoken as Jane Fonda or as outrageous as Bette Midler at her high-camp best, your lady Archer is the most independent female under the Sun.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Male

He?s strong, dependable, and a bit shy. Whether he?s rich or poor, he dresses impeccably, acts like a gentleman, and most likely owns his own business. A male Capricorn will impress you with his reserved good manners. He may remind you of one of those old-time tough guys with a heart of gold, like Humphrey Bogart, and his favorite movies will probably be It?s a Wonderful Life. Before you tear up over this sentimental fact, understand that the movie?s evil banker, Mr. Potter, is the hero he?s modeled his life after. Living with a Capricorn man is like being tied to a horsehair-upholstered armchair and forced to listen to a continuous loop of Night on Bald Mountain.

By the third date, he?ll have decided whether or not he wants to make it permanent, which will have nothing to do with whether or not you feel the same way. Once he?s fixed his beady little stare on you, he can make the most devoted Taurus look fickle.

Cappy loves applause as much as cousin Leo. However, where the Lion seeks adoration, the Goat sees it as an affirmation. No matter what means he uses to get where he?s going, once he?s there, he?ll act like he?s just one of the good old boys.

During Prohibition. Al Capone?s bloodied climb to the top as King of the Bootleggers was unmatched in the annals of American crime. Capone dispatched friends and enemies alike with the same cold indifference. He was a model of Capricorn ruthlessness. But he also exhibited the Goat?s need to be socially acceptable. He dressed more like a captain of industry than killer, and saw to it that his intimate circle of henchmen did likewise. Capone attended the opera, immersed himself in Chicago society, and tried his best to give the appearance of a benevolent bad boy just taking advantage of the times by supplying the relatively harmless vice of illegal liquor to an adoring public. In typical arrogant Capricorn style, Capone not only broke the law; he publicly dared the law to catch him. And though it finally did, Scarface Al didn?t go to jail for bootlegging. He rode up the river on a tax-evasion charge, and history has it that once he was in Alcatraz, he became Boss Con.

Romantically, your Goat?s basic attitude is that you should keep your mouth shut and your legs spread. Early in the relationship, he may forget himself and choke out an ?I love you.? Even if he marries you, he probably won?t say it again. He will figure that if he made it legal and allowed you to quit your job so you could stay home to wait on him, that?s proof enough.

Depending on his financial status, he?ll have either a mini-office or a hotline to his bookie in the bedroom and will regulate your lovemaking with the same cool know-how he uses either in the bedroom or poolroom. He can be surprisingly passionate, once he feels comfortable enough to lose his inhibitions. But since he?s not into role playing, sensual massage, or the use of mood-altering substances, you?ll need the patience of a saint, and the persistence of a Virgo. It may take months to get him to lose the pajamas and quit shaking hands before

He invented the double standard. The public credo of the FBI?s head Goat, J. Edgar Hoover, was a bug in every bedroom and a rule for every action. The fact that Hoover publicly scorned any behavior that was a hairs-breadth left of fascism, and wore a dress in private, is a classic example of the Capricorn?s code of conduct. It applies to everyone but himself.

He?s condescending and totally oblivious to anyone?s feelings but his own. He sees himself as the Great Patron and expects to control your checkbook, social calendar, and household schedule. He?s so tight, he?ll inspect the toothpaste tubes before you toss them away and make a once-a-week trop to the recycling center instead of using the curbside container.

Unless he?s a chef or an auto mechanic, he won?t shop for dinner or get his hands dirty changing the oil on the car. But he will dictate the grocery list and give you permission to call the auto shop he recommends. He doesn?t want a partner who thinks. He wants someone who looks good on his arm. If you are a Libra, he?s probably your ideal mate. If you are the independent type, be prepared for an onslaught of power plays that makes Scorpio look like a rank amateur.

His motto is, ?Do as I say, not as I do.? He has the annoying habit of trying to make you feel like a dog he?s just saved from the pound and expects the same loyalty and blind devotion in return. Should you manage to pierce his hide and wound his ego, he?ll shut himself away in a darkened room and brood. Use the respite to catch a nap.

Female

Every Capricorn woman has a built-in sense of style and social grace. Whether her personality is as outgoing as Dolly Parton, or as coolly reserved as Ava Gardner, her basic character is practical and sensible. She seeks a mate who is strong and ambitious and who plans for the future. Since she appreciates the best things in life, plan to take her to the finest restaurant. Oh, and be sure to bring along your stock portfolio and a copy of your family tree, because if one or the other doesn?t push her I?m-so-impressed button, she?ll never consider you as a serious match.

Leo may be Queen, but lady Capricorn is pure Diva. She can be as emotional as a Cancer at a pity party or as pushy as an Aries on a power trip. She?s so status conscious that she won?t plan a vacation until she?s checked with her travel agent to see where this years ?in? spot is located. She?ll pay a hundred dollars for a hairdo she hates if it?s the latest style from the hottest salon in town.

In public, she?ll be the model of social demeanor because she?s always on the lookout for someone rich and famous to kiss up to. At home, you?ll eat in the kitchen and watch TV in the bedroom, because she?s afraid you?ll get a spot on the tablecloth or wrinkle the fabric on the sofa. She spends a good part of the day walking through the house blowing kisses to all the inanimate objects she so dearly loves.

She?s pretentious. She may have been raised under a bridge on the wrong side of the train tracks, but before you consents to meet your friends, she?ll expect a rundown of their social standing. She?ll look down on the one who?s content to own one service station instead of a gas company, and fawn over the one who just got paroled from jail for creative accounting. The former she views as lazy, the latter as inspired.

Capricorn hookers are just as snooty. Mayflower madam Syndey Biddle Barrows and Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, who each respectively cornered the marked on high-class brothels, were just as selective about their clientele. And just as socially aware of their public. When asked to comment about being busted, Biddle told a reporter, ?Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn?t want your mother to hear at your trial.? When Fleiss was paroled, she headed straight for the plastic surgeon. ?I had a lot done,? she said. ?Lips, ears, eyes, boobs. Being in prison with no skin care really does a number on you.?

Yours probably won?t be as blindly ambitious, but she will have a definite tendency to embellish the truth if the teatime conversation with friends turns to family stories. Her aunt Maybelle, who?s the hog-calling champion of West Virginia, might evolve into a much-revered a capella singing star of the South.

The lady Goat is as humor-challenged as her male counterpart and will mope for days over any offhanded teasing. Her joke switch is set on dim, and the only time she really smiles is when she?s emptying the cookie-jar bank to buy another savings bond.

Romantically, she may swing both ways, but she?s not into swinging from the chandelier. However, don?t confuse serious with sexless. Capricorn megastar Marlene Dietrich was known as the ?love-pirate? for the shocking ease with which she stole spouses and lovers away from their partners.

She expects to be pursued, wooed, and put in the mood, which may get a bit tiresome after five or six years. Tossing a diamond between the sheets is a surefire way to get her to dive in bed. Or, if you aren?t rich, make it a granola bar. Capricorn women love little gifts and are always on a diet.

Whether yours is the life of the party or the classic woman-behind-the-man, keeping up appearances and long-term security means more to a Capricorn woman than either a warm blanket or your warm body.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

Male

If he isn?t actually brilliant, and Aquarius male will be at least an innovative thinker who envisions a wonderful future and usually finds a way to make it real. His delightfully spontaneous side will prefer unplanned treks to out-of-th-way places; his practical, respectable side makes him secure and stable. He reads books, is concerned for the environment, and will simultaneously be your best friend and decidedly unconventional lover. Think you see a romantic breath of fresh air heading your way? That panting you hear crashing through the underbrush belongs to a cross between Drs. Strangelove and Frankenstein.

At best, he is an arbitrary, irritable eccentric who lives inside his own head, but is overall fairly harmless. At worst, he?s a cold-blooded, cheerfully vile monster who will subject you to endless mental tortures, then watch you crumble with the emotional separation of a psychopath. He may have as caustic a tongue as W. C. Fields, who called his famous Leo co-star Mae West ?a plumber?s idea of Cleopatra.? Or live for years, looking and acting as normal as anyone else, then go out for milk one day and disappear.

A male Water Bearer has delusions of grandeur that would shame a Leo. He fancies himself as the world?s savior, whether or not the worlds wants saving. And he will not hesitate if he must to force his plans for change upon an unsuspecting group.

Consider Aquarian president Franklin Delano Roosevelt, whose grandiose scheme for relieving both a suffering economy and millions of unemployed Americans included the New Deal. Social Security Tax, Social Welfare, and the World War II Victory (Income) Tax all sprang from his vision.

Whether you agree or disagree with his political views, Roosevelt cannot be faulted for his humanitarian attempt to help the masses. However, in typical Aquarius fashion, the plan had little detail or built-in restriction so it laid the foundation for the tangled mess we have today. Like the good Dr. Frankenstein, his intent was to restore life, but the result was an uncontrollable monster.

The Water Bearer is neither selfish nor domineering, but that?s only because you will see less of this man than a Sagittarius traveling salesman. He won?t physically leave home because his trips are all in his mind. But he will virtually live in the garage or basement tinkering with his latest invention, trying to contact alien life forces, or calling the FBI and offering his services as master spy.

He is Fixed Air, and like his cousins Leo, Taurus, and Scorpio, he doesn?t play well with others. He is as obstinate, tenacious, and attention seeking as those guys, but he?s also ingenious at mind games. It was probably an Aquarius male who caused the legal system to devise the term mental cruelty.

He?s twitchy. Most male Water Bearers have a nervous grimace that people mistake for a lopsided grin. His electrically charged personality makes him the king of snap judgments, endless pronouncements, and long answers to questions you never asked. On especially wild days his mere appearance causes dogs to howl and cats to hiss.

He may be into substance abuse?not to delude himself as Pisces does, but to simply calm him enough to hold a job. And the amount he can take and still function under would put any other sign in a coma.

He?s paranoid. He will keep the curtains close, the TV tuned to CNN, and the answering machine in action. He will expect you to report any unusual activities at the grocery store, or on your job, which he will immediately assimilate into his latest disaster fantasy. He will frequently hold conversations with the person standing three feet behind you, the one only he can see.

Although he loves to roam around the house naked as a lover, her prefers a good book, unless you capture his attention by appealing to his perverse side. The more bizarre you look and act, the better he likes it. Pretending that silver buckle you?re wearing is really a tiny nuclear weapon, which may or may not detonate the exact instant he does, will drive him into a sexual frenzy. Strap it around his waist, tell him he?s the ultimate sex machine, and you will be set for a night of multiple pleasures.

He?s inventive, original, and, when in balance with his Saturn nature, an unstoppable force. Consider original shock rocker Aquarian Alice Cooper. True to the Uranus-ruled side of his nature, he allegedly took his stage name from a seventeenth-century witch who spoke to him via the Ouija board. Of his band he said, ?We were into fun, sex, death and money...and we drove a stake right through the heart of the Love Generation.?

Cooper?s wild-eyed expression, fright-night hair and makeup, and on stage penchant for flaming objects and gruesome theatrics such as mock hangings, guillotining, and murder of infant dolls that gush blood, all in the name of good fun, is vintage Aquarius. And as any true Water Bearer, he believes his job is to leave his audience feeling like they were ?at the greatest party they were ever at in their lives.?

His offstage life merges nicely with the Saturn side of the Aquarian nature. Cooper has been married to the same woman for twenty years, has three children, coaches Little League and soccer, is an avid golfer, and raises more than $150,000 a year for charity.

Whether yours is a weird-but-harmless genius or a sarcastic anarchist, life with the Aquarian male is as wild as a ride you can get on the planet Earth.

Female

She?s a free spirit who is eternally curious and always friendly. An Aquarian woman will enchant you with her enigmatic charm and seeks a man who is both romantic and intellectual. She is neither possessive nor jealous and believes that love begins with friendship. She is also a total individual who marches to her own drummer. Whether this is the beat of a jazz band or a set of tom-toms as she stakes you out on the nearest anthill is something you should try to determine before the wedding.

The good news is that she is one of the nicest people in the Universe. The bad news is, that?s because she always does exactly what she pleases. An Aquarius female is rebellious, headstrong, and contrary. She can be selfishly independent and exasperating, especially when she is running through the house screaming, ?Freedom!?

When angry, she can act out in an aggressive, childish way. She may stamp her feet, order you out of the house, or even trash the place in a fit of petulant indignation. But, usually, she approaches anger from the same detached mental perspective as she does everything else in life, preferring to argue and provoke you into a rage. As all Air signs, she is easily bored and delights in stirring the pot, especially if she thinks it will piss you off.

She?s so unpredictable that each time you kiss her good-bye, you?ll never know who, or what, will greet you when you return. She has few inhibitions. Some female Water Bearers have green hair, purple hair, or no hair at all. She will wear a nose ring, a toe ring, or six earrings in one ear and a tongue stud. She will dress any way she fancies, no matter what the occasion, and is apt to wear Levi?s and a ?Free Tibet? T-shirt to a formal dinner, where she will not hesitate to discuss any topic under the sun, including death, politics, cannibalism, or cannibalizing dead politicians. Her personality is combination shock treatment and rugged individualism.

The female Water Bearer loves gossip as much as Cousin Gemini. However, her odd curiosity lends itself to ferreting out the most disgusting bits of information she can find to horrify you with as she unleashes her maniacal laughter. She will also keep you up all night analyzing such inane topics as how dust bunnies are formed and whether or not Cancer Alex Trebek is really an android.

She has a horde of friends of all ages, sexes, persuasions, and character types. And she will be available any time of the day or night for guidance counseling, a free meal, or a warm bed. If you want to win her heart, be prepared to feel as if you are living in a combination bus station and therapist?s office.

The more bizarre you are, the better your chances of getting her in the sack. Tell her you are doing research on vampire sexual rites in Los Angeles, and she?ll confess that she channels new positions for the Kama Sutra from Bela Lugosi. Pretend you are an alien sex fiend from the planet Halcyon and she will wrap herself in Christmas lights and fall at your feet. However, unless you are an Aries with an endless imagination, or a Scorpio who can appeal to her perverse side, you?ll soon find yourself with a bored partner who prefers reading about sex to doing the deed. But, don?t confuse bored with non-sexy.

Hollywood bombshell Mamie Van Doren wore the bullet bra when Leo Madonna was wearing diapers, and Mamie rarely, if ever, confused a good lay with a romantic attachment. True to the clever Aquarian nature, she survived the Blond Bimbo era of Hollywood, the sixties, and is still going strong. She still loves men, and as she?s fond of saying, ?Mamie likes ?em young.?

Aquarius is not into blatant emotionalism, so if you are worship-needy like Leo, or a drama-drenched Water sign, you?ll soon feel like you?ve stumbled through an electrically charged whirlwind and been zapped, snapped, and spit out as too stupid to deal with, all in record time.

Ms. Aquarius also has a touch of money grubber in her soul. Although she?s not quite as obvious as Capricorn checking your Dun and Bradstreet rating, she does firmly believe in the old cliche that says it?s as easy to love a rich person as a poor one. Charming, stunning, and nine-time-married Zsa Zsa Gabor once said, ?I?ve never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.?

Gabor?s guest role on the last show of the old Batman Tv series was typical of the Aquarius female. Maybe that?s why she remembers it so fondly. Zsa Zsa played Minerva, an evil woman who owned a spa for men, where she scanned their brains under special hair dryers. ?I loved the character,? Gabor said, ?The wardrobe was all gaudy and silver, and nothing can be more exciting than that. These hair dryers got all the spy stories out of the people?s brains. One person was a jewelry salesman and I could find out the combination to his safe. I opened that safe and diamonds kept on falling all over me. I loved it.?

The title of her autobiography, One Lifetime Is Not Enough, sums up the philosophy of ever Aquarian woman, including yours.

Pisces February 19-March 20

Male

He?s a dreamboat who live for romance, and his hypnotic charisma will leave you weak-kneed and breathless. He may be a visionary like Copernicus, or a joker a la Billy Crystal, but a Pisces man is intuitive, caring, and sympathetic. No other male in the Universe is as capable of profound love and devotion. Unfortunately, he?s so in love with himself that you don?t stand a chance.

The male Fish is the emotional black hole of the Universe. Toss your heart, soul, and car keys, and all will disappear forever. This guy learned at an appalling young age how to weasel his way out of work and charm his way into bed.

He?s definitely sensual, sexy, and cute, in a debauched sort of way. Don?t let the facade fool you. At home he may be a quiet little Fish, swimming around and around the beer bottle, but romantically he is the great white shark of the zodiac. A Scorpio man will hurt you because he has a morbid fear of rejection. Your Pisces guy will do it just to keep his teeth sharpened.

He?s a natural born liar. And he?s honed the art until he fools himself. Such as when he?s perched on his favorite bar stool, watching the sports channel and ogling hot bodies, but telling himself he?s gathering material for the novel he plans to write. The only thing this loser will ever write is a smeared phone number on his cocktail napkin.

He?s self-destructive. Pisces Desi Arnaz had everything. Looks, career, and for its time, a state-of-the-art TV show with wife, Leo Lucille Ball. Arnaz possessed the extraordinary talent for both creative artistry and business acumen. He also possessed the extraordinary Piscean thirst for alcohol, and roving eye, which ultimately left Ball no choice but to divorce him. Ball became megastar. Arnaz battled alcohol and obscurity for the rest of his life.

He loves sex games. Feel free to wear your nurse?s uniform but expect him to play patient, not doctor. Buy a dog collar and he will bark. Introduce him to your best friend if you dare, but don?t leave them alone. He will have affairs anywhere, any time, with anyone who will hold still long enough. And with an icy detachment that rivals his Gemini cousin. The Fish can leave you full of his declarations of undying love, drive straight to his favorite watering hole, and pick up the first available body.

Or, full of his divine spiritual fervor, a la Pisces Jimmy Swaggart, hop in his Caddy and head for the nearest hooker. In classic Pisces self-delusion, when caught with his parables down, Swaggart blamed the woman for being a minion of the Devil who tempted him to stray. Then, he gave one of the most spectacular public displays of improvised remorse and Emmycaliber acting since the night female Fish, Tammy Faye Bakker, ripped off her false eyelashes on TV to prove that she wasn?t afraid to reveal her real self. Can you say Amen?

Don?t expect your Fish to be the breadwinner. Some Pisces males start on a career path early, but if yours hasn?t dropped the remote and picked up a degree by the time he?s in his late twenties, forget it. You will end up with a ne?er-do-well who thinks making his fortune means winning the lottery, and that Real TV is culturally education. If you are Virgo with a job, house, and checkbook, or a Cancer who doesn?t mind playing nursemaid for the rest of your life, this guy was meant for you.

He?s tedious. He has a compulsion to use the same cliches he?s used since high school and will invariable run a subject straight into the ground in the shortest possible time. Telling him he?s not funny only eggs him on, because he?s not after your laughter, he?s out to provoke you.

All bluff and no substance, Mr. Fish is a cast of thousands and even he doesn?t know what scene he?ll play next. But, since he does like role-playing you could pretend you?re the Lone Ranger and ride on.

Female

She has an aura of responsiveness that instantly puts you at ease. The female Pisces is a classic romantic who expects her mate to be a gentle man. She prefers privacy to partying, quality to quantity, and you, alone, to the rest of the world. Consider yourself the luckiest an alive? What if I told you that her zodiac nickname is Queen of the Horizontal Mamba, and that her commitment to you won?t necessarily slow her down?

Ms. Pisces is as sexually diffuse as Fish-boy, except where the male tricks his lovers into believing he is a prince in a frog?s clothing, she tricks herself that every man she gets between the sheets, or on top of the Xerox machine, is her One True Love, at least for a couple of hours. This woman has kissed dozens of toads in her quest for a soul mate. Trouble is, she rarely lifts her eyes higher than the swamp. Of course, this is extremely lucky for you if you are demented, unemployable, a hopeless mama?s boy, or an escaped felon.

Her basic personality is like a metaphorical aquarium where a great variety of fish jostle for position. Dangle your fingers over the tank and you?ll never be sure whether a gentle dolphin will raise its back to be petted, or Jaws will snap them off for lunch. Angry Fish spout like Moby Dick blasting steam, then dive for the nearest dark place. She will become visibly agitated if you press her, and can snap off a few sarcastic remarks. However, she will most likely just shriek and dissolve into a hysterical, sobbing heap.

At first you?ll adore the lavish attention she offers. Soon, though, you?ll get a distinct tight-in-the-chest feeling when she begins to nag. And the Pisces female has honed the art of nagging to the level of Chinese water torture. She will prod and push, trying to mold you into her ideal mate. Trouble is, she has not a clue as to who that person is. All female Fish idealize Daddy, especially if he doesn?t deserve it, and apply this same irrational logic to you. It has nothing to do with heroes and everything to do with distancing herself form a truly intimate relationship.

A Pisces woman may appear fragile, helpless, and other-worldly. However, beneath that innocent smile is a spine of stainless steel. Consider Elizabeth Taylor, the famous Pisces astrologers love to use as an example of an exotic, delicate Fish. Taylor has survived dozens of operations, several near-death experiences, and brain surgery. Her health issues alone would have killed a lesser person years ago, not to mention her romantic stamina in the marriage arena. In addition to multiple divorces and widowhood, she?s survived two marriages to the same Scorpio, Richard Burton. You call that fragile?

Ms. Fish is her own worst enemy, and prefers self-pity to rational discussion. Argue with her and she will either turn the air blue with language so foul it would make a sailor blush, or fling herself upon the nearest piece of furniture and sob her guts out. It won?t take you long to figure out that she?s hooked on drama and actually likes a good fight. It gives her the chance to hone her acting kills, and clear out her sinuses at the same time.

Although usually very intelligent, her offhanded attitude toward life will leave you wondering whether all her synapses are firing in sequence. She will forget to balance the checkbook for months, coast into the gas station on a fume and a prayer, and swear that the refrigerator was full just yesterday. If you intend to have a decent retirement income and eat regularly, you will have to control the purse strings and learn how to cook.

No other woman in the universe comes on so devoted, selfless, and understanding, and departs with a bigger chunk of your bloody heart stuck on her little pink fingernails. And she will be fluttering those artistic hands long after you?ve run screaming for the nearest therapist?s couch.