Wednesday 20th April 2005
Little John F.C. vs.
2 - 1
Scorers: Howard, Puttay
Little John F.C. vs. Balls Park
2 - 1
Scorers: Howard, Gregory
Little John F.C. vs. The Evolved Pros
7 - 1
Scorers: Howard (3), Johnson, Puttay, Furber, Ashplant (p)
Report: Gaz got a black eye
Little John F.C. vs. Hazel Groove
2 - 1
Scorers: Howard (2)
Little John F.C. vs. St. Albans Scream Team
5 - 0
Scorers: Howard (4), Puttay
Report: Little John was up against a bunch of schoolgirls today (well at least that’s what their name suggested) as they took on St. Albans Scream Team. This was a fairly easy game like the final score line suggested (5-0) however, Scream team did well to keep the Little John attack at bay for most of the game by keeping the score at 1-0. But finally gave in when four goals were scored in the final 20 minutes. This was a game in which Chopper had two glorious chances to score but showed everyone why he plays in defence as he squandered both attempts. The first came from a run down the left wing; he weaved in and out of the opposition, then cut inside the box and ran towards the goal. He knew that he was about to be tackled and so he scuffed a shot right across the face of the box and out for a throw (he later denied shooting and said it was a blatant cross!). The second chance came from a Mike Howard free kick, acutely chipped in for Chopper to head into the top corner, but he failed to make decent contact and the ball sailed wide of the post. The Scream team where getting a bit frustrated because by this time Mike Howard had scored and it was 1-0, and despite all their efforts could not score. Chopper went in hard on the number 7 and won the ball cleanly. As he was dribbling the ball out of defence and about to hoof it up field the number 7 took his legs away and sent Chopper flying in the air. A sending off offence but he wasn’t even booked. This game was quite boring, so this is a brief report. The first half ended 1-0 to Little John. The second half kicked off and throughout the half Scream team never really threatened the LJ defence except when LJ conceded a corner and one of the opponents rose high to head the ball against the cross bar and back out for Craig to easily catch. Mike Howard nutsed the keeper twice and Nath Puttay opened his scoring account. A funny moment happened towards the end of the game when number 7 again (what a twat) was running down the wing, with Chopper closing in, and he went to take a long-range shot and totally missed the ball and fell on his arse! The twats of Scream team were number 6 and 7. Number 7 because of what was previously mentioned and number 6 because he was a leary git, who in one instance started moaning about an offside decision. When Chopper started laughing out load, he asked why he was laughing and he said it was because his mum was so ugly (nah joke, would have been funny if he did though). Final score 5-0, LJ kick arse again!
Little John F.C. vs. The Evolved Pros
6 - 3
Scorers: Albrecht (2), Howard, Hawes, Puttay, Furber
Little John F.C. vs. Hazel Groove
9 - 0
Scorers: Albrecht (3), Coleman (3), Howard, Gregory, O.G.
Report: There were rumours that Ross Becko was ready to quit Little John for the Uni 3rd team as he went A.W.O.L. from the game today. It appears that Becko is unhappy at this level and wants to get recognised by Sven Goran Eriksson by playing at a higher standard, but let it be known, Little John are no push-overs, they have some class players such as Chopper and Hartley! However, we may just have found a replacement for Becko in Matt Furber who was outstandin on his Little John debut today. He covered every blade of grass and kept on working even when it was 7-0. In the match today, Little John got the new season off to a bright start by beating Hazel Groove convincingly by 9 goals! It was a game in which Coleman and Albrecht both got first half hatricks, Karl Prince made his debut and Jimmy Hawes was a shit lino. LJ started the game arrogantly as league champions and cup holders, putting together strings of passes with moments of skill. There was also an eagerness to the game, especially from new boy Prince who wanted to show the gaffer how good he was and get in his good books for later. 5 minutes into the game, Coleman received a through pass from Ashplant on the left and decided to take a shot. The keeper having got tips from Roy Carroll the night before whilst watching him let in a goal against Arsenal at his near post, decided to mimic him by doing the same, which led to the first of the many goals being scored. In all fairness Hazel Groove’s keeper was poo. The game went on and more goals followed this time by Albrecht who was tremendous as he fired a screamer at the keeper who had little choice but to let it through his arms as he jumped to save it. The LJ defence was solid all through the first half and whenever Hazel rarely had a chance Chopper, Hartley and Prince mopped it up cleanly. The referee was a deaf old man who wore glasses, and wanted to be mates with Chopper. Maybe he suggested taking him out for a beer, who knows? Nonetheless, the ref still penalised Chopper for holding onto a Hazel player’s shirt, but the ref should have his eyes tested again because it was never a tug, Chopper screaming “bollox” as the ref blew up. The ref blew the half time whistle and the gaffer explained that he wanted the same, more goals basically. Hazel didn’t even have a shot on goal the whole game. The game progressed on and the defence was becoming quite bored because they had nothing to do. Chopper tried to liven things up by singing “some people say you can’t believe that Jamaica we have a bobsleigh team” from the film Cool Runnings, as he did his little jig, but he was made to look silly when he tried to pull off his knee trick which failed and almost dislocated his knee. The game was going a bit stale, when suddenly out of nowhere, Mike Howard fired one from just outside the box. It hit the inside of the post and zipped across the goal flashing across the line. A superb goal that sparked the Little John players back to life as they put more pressure on Hazel. Moments later as a cross came in and Nath Puttay (putty man) was waiting in the box at the back post ready to nod it in but he somehow showed great charity to Hazel by clearing it off the line to the amazement of the Little John fans (we all know you fluffed it). Nevertheless, the LJ fans seemed to be having a whale of a time as Wilko The Russian, who wasn’t doing the line today, was heard making a scream like noise that closely resembled the noise made by someone having an orgasm, no one dared to look at where his hands were! Hawsey the new linesman took over for Sneaky Russian Matt because he wanted to chat with his pal Ant Chopper Hopwood who played left back. He kept on teasing Chopper saying that he was going to award a penalty against him in the box, but he soon shut up when he was reminded about the penalty he had given away the weekend before, that lost him the game for Leyton F.C. Towards the end, Tom Gregory scored with a deft flick from a scramble in the box, before Hazel scored a spectacular own goal, to make the final score 9-0. In the dying minutes, to the amazement of the whole crowd, Hazel actually got a player into the Little John 18 yard box, but Prince was at hand to perform a sliding tackle to overt the danger. However in the process he got cramp, and when he asked for assistance all he got was Chopper jumping on him affectionately in a non-gay way. Hartley stretched Prince’s muscle and he got back up eager to get on the score sheet as he weaved in and out of the Hazel team, but unfortunately got tackled by the last man. So I guess it’s Groovy baby for LJ but maybe not so Groovy for Hazel.
2 - 2
(2-2 AET, won 5-3 on penalties)
Scorers: Howard, Hawes (pen)
Report: It’s the final week of University leading up to Christmas, a time for giving and sharing, a time of good memories and experiences spent with the family. It is also the week in which we have two PPA tests. But the big question on everybody’s mind is whether Little John will win the League. At the start of the year Little John commenced a chase for the league title having come second in last year’s competition. The team had made a few changes with Brown and Moon being sold to the University team and numerous new recruits stepping in. The season got off to a perfect start, however crowd trouble at a match against UH Chinese resulted in penalty points, however Little John battled on, and against the odds they qualified for the next stage. To make things worse their first choice keeper was suspended for passport problems. He claimed to be student status but unfortunately faked his papers. Lucky for them they got a by into the final against PSV Hangover due to administration troubles of their semi final opponents. The game was initially planned for Wednesday however changes resulted in the game being played on Friday, 17th December on a freezing cold and windy afternoon. The team arrived at the De Havilland Arena early and up for the game in style on the team bus (University bus, intercampus). With three players out due to broken nails, the team was stretched. Neil said he had a hamstring injury but information previously stated he completed a lactate test the evening before. Albrecht was absent as he had to return home to Brighton because his boyfriend wanted to see him, oops meant girlfriend (Who wears the trousers?). Last but not least was Ben M who was just absent. Although the team arrived early there were questions over their commitment as there were also reports that Ross went on a piss up the night before with fellow players Chopper and Hartley. From what Hartley was wearing it was believed he had walked to the game straight from Batchwood where he had spent the night raving. Others suggested he is a tramp and they’re the only clothes he has. Another big revelation was Anthony who rang around on Thursday evening to tell friends he was coming out. This came as a surprise to many of those associated with Little John, one was quoted as saying “At no time since I have known Ant have I ever seen characteristics of a gay, so it comes as a surprise”. Hawes on the other hand “having worked in a local gay bar, I new Ant was a bit camp”. This put an end to speculation over who was the gay in the team. Another story over the papers this week was that Hawes is the Mary in the group following a sociogram experiment which also suggested he was a dopey looking cunt. The team put such speculation behind them and took to the pitch focused and ready. The fans came in their few including Nick and Bonnie who had taken time out away from the bedroom to make an appearance. The game kicked off and Little John looked comfortable. After continuous pressure on PSV Hangover’s defence Mike Howard got clear and slotted home to make it 1-0. This was then cancelled out when Hartley got in the way of the ball with his hand leading to a penalty making it 1-1. A silly mistake considering Mark has great experience in handling balls. The opponents then made it 2-1 in the second half when Peter the quiet guy from psychology popped up with an amazing strike resembling something ex-Little John player Moonie would have done. 70+ and James dribbles into the area before being taken out. A penalty was given and Hawes put it home. 70 minutes finished 2-2 (35mins each way) and extra time followed (7mins each way) but no goals were scored. Penalties followed with Little John taking the first penalty kick. Hawes, Hartley and Nathan both scored along with the opposition. Craig then pulled off an excellent save to make it 3-2. Howard then slotted home before Captain Ross slotted home the winner. The celebrations that followed saw him take off his shirt to reveal a layer of sheepish woollen hair. Little John won the league and Geoff adds his second trophy during this stage of his career. Hopefully this year the team can secure the double with rumours suggesting Brown and Moon are to be returning on loan.
Donkey player: Albrecht - under the thumb, missed the game to give his bird a good old seeing to
Little John F.C. vs. Poetry In Motion
6 - 1
2 - 1
Scorers: Hawes 2
Donkey player: No one in particular, all the lads played fairly well
Wednesday 17th November 2004
6 - 0
Scorers: Gregory, Hawes, Howard, Ashplant, Coleman
Donkey player: Hawes - missed numerous opportunities to score when the chances were easy
3 - 1
Scorers: Hawes, Howard 2
Donkey player: Albrecht
Little John F.C. vs. UH Chinese
2 - 2 (match abandoned)
Scorers: Albrecht, Howard
Donkey player:Gregory - got sent off for stamping on a Chinese player's head
Wednesday 27th October 2004
Little John F.C. vs. AFC Don't Blink
5 - 1
Scorers: Hawes, Howard, Puttay, Coleman, Albrecht
Report:Today the Hertfordshire University Intra Mural League kicked off with bookies favourites Little John FC playing another bunch of losers (No not Arsenal). All the Little John players were fit and ready to go especially Hopwood and Hawes who have been hugely involved in gambling allegedly. Reports say Hawes had a bet on with Hopwood ahead of today?s game that Hopwood would receive ?10 for every goal he scored and that he would pay out ?5 for every penalty he conceded. The players took to the pitch at the De Havilland complex in the famous green and white ready to take on some team called Don?t Blink or something. As they lined up it came to the attention of the players that the referee was absent. It was therefore up to ex-Little John superstar Moonie to take control of the game for the first half. The game kicked off in pouring rain and started slowly with Little John having their defence tested. However they eventually found their feet after Mark fucked up when trying to match the skill shown by Moon last season. This lead to the team upping the tempo. A goal eventually come from Albesh with a trademark Salmon header. This lead was soon doubled before half time by pin-point finishing from Hawes. This 100% accuracy was believed to be down to his extra training session where he regularly shoots his balls into targets. The half time score was 2-0 and Moon performance as ref was class just like his playing ability. In the second half some bloke from the opposing team decided to ref with his gay bag by his side. Again Little John took control of the game and this was reflected by the 3rd goal scored by Nathan Puttay aka Dave on his debut. Neil also making his debut made it 4-0 allegedly as he supposedly made contact with a cross to put the ball in the net, however many say he blew it in and that it was an own goal. A 5th goal looked certain as both Hawes and Howard missed from cross range. Hawes cleared the bar from 2 yards and Mike missed the ball when 2 yards from the goal. Eventually the 5th goal come and it was fired away by Howard who had hit the post twice. His taxi effort earlier had been forgotten. Little John took this score line and decided it was showboat time. Hawes started the show by showing his ability to put balls between people legs by nutmeging a defender with ease. Chopper then had the idea to go on a run in the hope of scoring. The run went in and out of the defence but finished with nothing. After the game one player from Don?t Blink said ?We knew how shit Hopwood was at shooting, so we moved out the way so he could run and knock the ball out for a throw in when he goes to shoot?. The game was certain and the last 10 minutes whisked by however Little John let their performance fall a goal was conceded once Nathan went off with suspected cramp or just because he is a poof and couldn?t handle anymore? The game finished 5-1 and the players returned to the changing rooms cheering, whilst Hartley walked off disappointed with his 20% pass rate completion. Little John manager was supposedly hit by some pizza, but there is no evidence of the incident. In the changing rooms Hopwood was smacked on the bare ass by a football, not the first time he has received balls to the ass. On the same night the players returned to Hatfield to catch a coach to Oceana in Kingston. It was a wicked night with all the players turning up in their clobber. Recent revelations were proved wrong as Hopwood chose to revert back to his male side by wearing a shirt and jeans rather than his short skirts and skimpy tops that he?s used to at weekends. The night was enjoyed by all who attended however a fight kicked off, allegedly started by one of the Little John players, ?Mike Brown? who was consequently chucked out. It is possibly linked to a similar incident involving Chelsea star John Terry. Next time the team goes out Browny, show some decorum! Same goes to Wayne who was chucked out for puking on some random girls including Gaz.
Donkey player: Hartley
5 - 2
Scorers: Ashplant 2, Becko, Brown, Gregory
Report: This was a well fought game that the lads deserved to win
Little John F.C. vs. Not Very Athletic
1 - 1
Scorer: Gregory
Report: The lads went behind after one of the opposing players fouled Ant Hopwood, and then went on to score against the run of play. Little John F.C. pulled one back though through Gregory, to mount pressure on everyone as the game drew on, but it sadly ended in a draw.
1 - 1
Scorer: Albrecht
Report: This was a very frustrating game in which we had numerous opportunities to score, but failed to do so. Marc Albrecht had a goal dissallowed for offside and Nick Moon shot from a free-kick 30 yards out, hitting the crossbar and seeing the ball fly over. Everyone faught hard especially Ross Becko in the centre of midfield, putting in some crunching tackles which nearly saw him being sent off!
Little John F.C. vs. Telford Boys
5 - 0
Scorers: Hartley, Johnson, Bagshaw, Ashplant, Telford Boys o.g.
Report: This was a scrappy game that showed the odd moment of brilliance from Little John, with Gareth Ashplant scoring from 30 yards out, Geoffrey 'Gaffa' Bagshaw opening his scoring account and Mark Hartley unbelievably scoring from a corner!
2 - 0
Scorers: Becko, Johnson
Report: The lads played really good football, working as a team, to overcome the league leaders.
1 - 1
Report:
Scorers:
0 - 5
Scorers:
Report: The lads tried their best to beat a team who were no better than themselves, but found it hard to come back after Chopper conceded another penalty and a further two goals went in before the break. In the second half the lads changed it to a 3-4-3 formation, with Moonie sitting in front of the defence and Albrecht pushing forward, in an attempt to score a couple of goals. Sadly due to the gaps at the back and the counter attacking force of Wall Hall, despite our efforts, went on to score two second half goals, to sink Little John to their first defeat. Despite the score line, the lads were still in good spirits, Hartley suggested "i was like Zidane" when he dribbled in and out of their attackers, whereas Chopper showed great show-boating when he marvellously controlled it with both his knees. Also, before the game had even started Chopper tried to show off his skills in front of a pretty girl but slipped over to his dissmay and made a fool out of himself, although his team mates thought it was hillarious.
Donkey player: Albrecht
1 - 1
Scorer: Albrecht
Report: Todays game was going to be one of those days as the team walked out with many changes to the line up due to the injuries and poor excuses laid on by wimps in the team. However the lads did not let this get to them and this was shown in captain Moon’s ability to play through the pain barrier for the team while carrying a knee injury. The game kicked off with a good upbeat tempo from the team who were captained by Moon. The tactics were simple but effective as the defence looked strong and comfortable in front of their keeper while the midfield worked hard with ginger pubes and last weeks donkey player in the centre. Upfront Wayne and Geoff tore away at the tough opposing defence with little luck. There were glimpses of success with many runs and shots being thrown at the goal especially from Moon who couldn’t strike a match. In the second half the team come out and within minutes were a goal down from poor posessional play and poor marking. Again the team carried on as the dominate force several poor free kicks, several shots and several through balls from Geoff to the other team! Eventually the clouds opened as Albrecht scored an okay goal to level it. The fans went wild with horror as Marc thought it would be a good idea to get his tits out. The team played to the final whistle and a well deserved performance was earned by the team. Surely next weeks performance will be of a similar high quality providing Anthony doesn’t turn up and concede another penalty.
Donkey players: Rabinowitz,Hopwood,Poulakis,(all failed to turn up)
4 - 3
Scorers: Howard 2,Brown,Ashplant
Report: The legends of Little John once again walked on to the field of dreams at De Havilland with great expectations upon their shoulders, ready to play the game of their lives in the final game of the season. Their opponents were league leaders Team Rodriguez also known as Hatfield Diving Club (Training sessions Monday 9 o’clock at Hatfield Swim Centre by the diving boards) who required a draw or win to take the league whereas Wall Hall Boys needed a win to take the league off Rodriguez. However Little Johns pride, determination and spirit of last weeks match proved that the team had what it took to take the points, if they played to their full potential. Due to the importance of this game a few new players were drafted in from our Little John School of Excellence. They were on the bench raring to take to the pitch and play their part. As the players lined up in the famous green and black the atmosphere was buzzing around the stadium ready to kick off. The whistle was blown and the ball was set rolling by Little John who were captained today by Moon who was on player cam for the first 15 minutes. The first half started a scrappy battle with the team conceding a silly goal followed by another and then another. The game looked signed, sealed, delivered (Blue). Even Dave Harris had to reject his null hypothesis stating -“the test of normality clearly shows a not normal start by Little John”. The team however continued to battle and blood was spilled as Moon was elbowed in the mouth. The game was getting very frustrating as Rodriguez were falling all over the park as they dived like worthy gold medallists at the Olympics. The whistle was blown for half time with Little John looking very poor, and having no real chances. It was time for a 'Little Magic' as the sideline viewers were getting very frustrated. A wise response was made by gaffa who had perfect knowledge to realise he should come off. It was time for James Hawes, Mike Howard and Craig to make an appearance. The new boys from the newly set up Little John School of Excellence run by Anthony ‘Chopper’ Hopwood. Half-time highlights showed a tough battle, but Rodriguez seemed to think they had it in the bag as Take-Away Boy was seen to quote “who’s winning?” to the boys on the sideline as they threw abuse. However the subs made an immediate impact on the game with Mike showing his ability in midfield while James ran rings down the left flank. J ames continued to push forward eventually making it to the penalty box before taking to the ground after a poor foul. The opponents were disgusted by the referee’s decision. After the game ‘Chopper’ quoted “it was a foul he would have been proud off.” Mike Roberts said “the velocity at which the attacking player was running propelled him over the defending player blah blah blah.” The resulting penalty was easy slotted home by Brown who sent it past the fat bastard in goal. The game was back on, and the whole team lifted their efforts. Again Hawes made an amazing run leading to another foul, resulting in a nice free kick just outside the box. As the players settled in their positions the ball was placed on the floor by Mike before being smashed in the net of the goal with a magnificent shot that saw the crowd go wild. The team realised that their game was still a potential for success as an equaliser was hit by Gareth Asplant who was set up with good link up play by Mike and James. The game was coming to an end with the clock ticking away, even Wall Hall Boys from the pitch next door came to watch the vital finish, which would decide if they were to become the champions. The adrenaline was felt by everyone especially those on the sidelines. It was at this point that magic happened in the last minute of play when the players were dripping with sweat, tears and blood after fighting hard to gain a score line of 3-3, however this was not enough. The boys wanted more, and more, and then out of nowhere a shot appeared from super sub Mike as he went to strike aiming for the far top corner. It was looking good, but unfortunately he miss hit it and the ball rolled and bounced in slow motion towards the keeper, before squeezing under the triglyceride filled belly of the keeper(Too many kebabs from mummy and daddy). The fans went wild leading to a pitch invasion seconds before the final whistle was blown. Rodriguez had not only lost the game, but they had lost the title, their dignity and their pride. Especially Take-Away Boy who thought it would be funny to say “who’s winning” after just 40 minutes of play. However the last laugh was for us when several of the Little John players ran onto the pitch at the end to ask him the same question. Another good performance by the lads and a brilliant turn out by the adoring fans who experienced adrenaline rushes and ECG recordings that were off the scale. Mike Roberts – “Very impressive ECG recordings” which were seen by those lucky viewers who splashed out on Sky Sports Little John Season tickets, watching the game on Digital interactive. The team will now be training throughout the Easter break up the Font so they are ready for any amateurs who step in their way. Hopefully next season will be of the same quality and determination. A big thank you goes to Tom Gregory for the kit, to Geoff the manager (Rumour has it Chelsea want him? Doubt it!) and Chopper Hopwood for this great website (It’s the only sign of quality I seen off him all season).
Donkey player:Rabinowitz (failed to turn up without excuse)