5 - 1
Scorers: Hawes, Howard 4
Report: Once again the Little John team step out onto the famous turf of the new De Havilland pitches made from the best technology, however this game is the start of hopefully many more due their participation in the inter mural tournament. With each player being skanked for a fiver by manager Geoff (Everyone knows you pocketed a few squid), they are sure to be full of determination as their eyes are set on the cash prize, which will surely be put to good use by the students; pay off that student loan? I think not, round in the Font bar? Possibly? The game is expected to be of the highest quality as the team are back, fully fit and with new signings taking to the pitch under the management of Geoff aka ?Tinkerman? who recently released Farryl on a free over the Easter break. As the team took to the haloed turf in poor weather conditions, shadowed by a beautiful rainbow, with a 3-5-2 formation captained by Becko, there was great pressure to turn over their opponents ?Los Galacticos?. I hear you shout ?who??, the answer being fuck knows, however this was a game which the lads didn?t expect to be easy. The ball was set rolling and within minutes Little John were trailing as a result of over confidence on the ball by Moon and Hartley. (PS. Ball was given away by Hartley not Moon!!! It was taken into consideration that Moon was playing in new boots. Don?t know what Hartley?s excuse was???). However the mistake was soon made up for as Mark played an okay through ball for their keeper to come clear, however the keeper was shit so he forgot to come claim it resulting in Hawes nipping in and lobbing the keeper with a cheeky chip. The scores level and Little John continued to push forward with the Salmon (Oops I meant Albrecht) making a good header at the far post from a Hawes cross before Moon skied a corner over the bar from within the 6 yard box. This was followed with a quick reaction shot from Little John in the box that smacked the keeper right in the face. One James would have been proud off. The team then scored a second just before half time as James missed controlled the ball (He alleges it to be a dummy), for Mike to run onto and slot past the keeper. The whistle was blown for half time with the team being proud of their performance resulting in no changes being made to the team as they kicked off the second half. Within minutes Mike scored a great goal, which he slotted home into the bottom right corner, before scoring a hatrick with a shot that went under the keeper. His tally was not yet finished as he fired a long range shot at the keeper, with no real trouble, however it was fumbled into his own net for Mike?s fourth goal. It was at this point that the gaffer made three subs one of which was Ant Hopwood who was unfortunately not given a squad number at the start of the tournament due to a rumour about a bust-up with the manager in a food and nutrition lecture earlier in the day, resulting in both of them getting wet! However, his involvement in the game added little stability as the job was completed long before. The final whistle drew nearer and Los Galacticos knew they were going home with a poor result, however it is not the last you are likely to see of them as one player in particular was spotted by Olympic officials for his great diving skills. Ron Atkinson later describe the player in this matter as being a ******* ****** ****** (Yes he did get the sack). Hopefully such a great performance will be evident next week as the players take on their next challenge.
4 - 0
Scorers:Hawes, Albrecht, Howard 2
Report:Once again Little John football club were back in action as they took on Not Very Athletic, in the cup semi final at De Havilland in front of a lively crowd. The club has been hit by some interesting stories in national papers over the past week. Reports suggest incidents of cyber sex and sex text within the camp (Marks message to James evident on the message forum). Hopefully this would not get in the way of the football as the team took to the pitch on this average day. The team stayed with the same formation as last week with Hartley taking captaincy as the team stepped up against a team who they previously drew against, however on this occasion they had made several impressive signings from the university first team. The players took to their positions as Geoff Bagshaw made his way to his dug out with the fans chanting in unison; “Geoff Bagshaws green and white army, Geoff Bagshaws green and white army, Geoff Bagshaws green and white army”. And Hopwood singing: “Little John having a party, Little John having a party”. The game was set rolling and Little John were put under pressure straight away, however the defence kept it tidy and were able to cope with the pressure. After a few minutes of play the team settled down and started playing football, with a few good pieces of possession play resulting in a number of corners being won. The game looked very tight, however good individual play by Howard saw a cracking shot hit the bar with the resulting rebound being blocked by the defender. It looked as if it was going to be another close shave for Not Very Athletic as Howard had his back to the goal, but out of nowhere an amazing bicycle kick flew past the keeper as Little John took the lead. The team realised that this game was one to be taken and stepped up a gear as they continued to pound the defence eventually breaking through with a great run by Hawes, who was brought down by the donkey at the back or was it a dive? It is well known Hawes is a keen diver from recent conversations where he has stated his hobby of muff diving with Marks mum. Not only was the dive controversial but also the lead up play suggested it should have been a drop ball as the ball made contact with the fucking wire across the pitch. Not Very Athletic wasted time as they argued with the referee who stood firm with his decision. The whistle was blown, the crowd was silent and the ‘Salmon’ stepped up to slot home the penalty into the bottom left corner. The game restarted with Not Very Athletic desperately looking for a goal back before the break; however the strong defence of Hartley and Moon and the other defender Hopwood kept them at bay. Once again Little John were on their back foot as Not Very Athletic attacked down the right hand side, but a great fierce challenge by Moon stopped them from progressing any further and the attack was turned around as Moon continued on the counter before passing to Hawes who lost the ball. The crowd livened up with the sign of full commitment by the players; “His thin, his tall, he is a fucking wall, Nicky Moon, Nicky Moon”. However Hawes made up for this error with perfect anticipation of the defenders next move allowing him to take the ball into the area and slot home easily past the keeper to make it 3-0 just before the half time whistle was blown. The half time talk was simple but to the point as Geoff made it clear that the opposition would be looking for the comeback. (Yes, Geoff is a genius). The second half kicked off with Little John playing every ball sensibly as they looked to hold onto their lead and clean sheet. Not Very Athletic pushed and pushed forward but Mark swept up the attack with ease along side Moon and Hopwood. Out of the blue Howard went on an amazing solo run as he turned the first team captain with ease before blasting a rocket of a pin point shot into the back of the net. It was an amazing site and is surely going to win him goal of the season. The Tinkerman then decided it was time for a few changes with Poulakis, Tom and Jonno taking to the pitch and Little John going into party mode as Ant went on an amazing run past the whole of Not Very Athletics left side of the team before running out of steam and being tackled. It didn’t end there as Little John passed in triangles within the penalty area of their opponents looking for a site of the goal. The game looked finished with Poulakis being put through free on goal. However the resultant shot was sent sky high over the fence. As the game drew closer to an end, Not Very Athletic tried haplessly to find a consolation goal. There was one incidence where a player took the ball effortlessly round Moon down the left wing and managed to cross the ball. Unfortunately there was no-one in the box except Hopwood, who almost did them a favour by nodding the ball into his own net, a headed pass back that was intended for Austin! (Lucky for him he’s shit at heading or he might have scored) The clock was ticking away and the defence continued to stay tight with Moon making another cracking tackle in the middle of the park under the commandment of Hartley who continued to win headers and sweep up the mess. The 90 minutes was gone and the lads had booked themselves a spot in the final and a step closer to that cash prize. Not Very Athletic were devastated and to make things worse they tried to sign Hawes and Howard from our team for next season. The F.A. has reported an enquiry into the accusations. To be fair Little John outclassed Not Very Athletic who were actually pretty pathetic, maybe they should change their name to ‘Not Very Good’???
1 - 1
(Little John F.C. win 4-2 AET)
Scorer:Wayne, Hawes, Howard 2 Report:On the 5th of May the University Intra Mural competition kicked off with 8 teams playing through 3 rounds of football to claim the £200 cash prize. The big question on every ones mind was who will win that money. The bookies favourites were Wall Hall who were crowned league champions earlier in the year; however several teams had made a number of new signings during the transfer window, so there was a lot of optimistic spectators. For example Little John confirmed the signings of James Hawes, Mike Howard and the sale of Farryl, however unfortunately manager Geoff was unable to sell Albrecht due to no interest in the player. As the teams fought hard through all the rounds it came to two teams who outperformed all the odds of getting to the final. Ricky’s team had scrapped through in extra time during the semi-finals and their opponents Little John outplayed every team on the road to De Havilland, having only conceded 1 goal with a 2-man defence and Ant Hopwood. Once again Geoff (The Tinkerman) had made calculated formulas to produce such a team of gladiators with such organisation and composure in their football ability. Whereas Ricky’s team were just lucky to make it this far, however the final was not to be taken easily. Therefore on the 19th May preparation was high on the agenda as several players met round Marks crib (Live MTV 2nd June) for a pre-match meal of pasta accompanied by water (and Marks mums milk). The players did arrange to meet around midday, but recent newspaper stories have suggested certain players were invited to come early for a pre-match steam room session. Once the meal was digested, and the players bloated and farting left right and centre, they began their trip to the stadium. Some arriving in their cars with silver petrol caps and others arriving on the Team Bus – The Inter Campus Shuttle Bus. Once at the stadium the players were met by their adoring fans as they fought their way through to the changing rooms signing autographs and match day programmes on route. The changing room atmosphere was full of confidence as the players got changed listening to their manager’s tactics and Becko’s motivating speech. The players were ready and set to play the game of their lives in this cup final on this hot sunny day as, Farryl had a final of his own to play as he reached the 8th level on final fantasy. The players left the changing rooms and were met by the referee (Bob Collina) and Ricky’s team in the tunnel. The referee’s report acknowledged a peculiar occurrence at this point as one of the Little John players eligibly took the match ball and performed a nutmeg on their star player while shouting Ole. This led to the skilful player in the teams playing football within the stadium tiers and at one instance Hopwood was seen to be doing a trick with his knees before passing to Moon who balanced the ball on his neck while doing a press-up and then flicking the ball to Hartley who caught the ball on his foot before flicking it to Hawes who fell to the floor in pain as his nose was hit. The scuffle stopped and the players walked down the tunnel with the atmosphere roaring as the thousands, no hundreds, actually 30 odd people turned up to watch the mighty warriors and Ricky’s team play out this final. The Little John players a little disappointed not to be playing Wall Hall (League winners) in this final having been the only team have beaten them. However the champions only got to watch the final from the sidelines, as they were unfortunately knocked out of the competition in the first round. Now that is a shame, bullocks! This questions their footballing ability; maybe they just won the league due to Little John’s destruction of Team Rodriguez. The teams stepped onto the magnificent plastic turf as Little John lined up against Ricky’s team to listen to the national anthem. As the lads lined up next to each other it looked obvious that this was going to be a tough game as Ricky’s team had a number of university team players, however the Green and White of Little John were confident with a 3-5-2 formation led by team captain Becko. The whistle was blown and the game kicked off with both teams taking time to get into their stride, however Little John looked comfortable as they kept play simple and worked hard up and down the field. After about 15 minutes Ricky’s team attacked down the right wing attacking Hopwood who failed to clear the ball. This led to a great shot from the edge of the area which went straight over the head of Austin making it 1-0 to Ricky’s team. Little John did not let this get them down as they pushed forward with James running into the area before falling over or was it a dive? The half time whistle was blown and Geoff gave his team a motivational team talk to build the players determination to find this equaliser. The second half kicked off and several times Ricky’s team ran at the defence however good organisation by Hartley who had a solid first half made defensive play for Little John an easy task. Still looking for that vital goal, Geoff decided to bring Craig onto the field of play. Within minutes the team changed and they were attacking starting from the back with Moon sprinting down the right wing. In Midfield Craig hit several shots many of which went miles wide, however the intention was there. Eventually it looked certain as Albrecht launched a floated ball to Moon who headed it over the defence into Hawes path. He was clear through however his shot was straight at the keeper who fumbled, landing at the feet of Hartley however his response was poor and the score stayed 1-0. With 10 minutes to go the team tried everything and eventually goal hero Mike rounded the keeper to take this game into extra time. The players left the pitch and hydrated their bodies preparing for a good finish to a great tournament. Within minutes of the first half of extra time kicking off, Wayne found himself in front of the goal to bundle the ball across the line, 2-1 to Little John. However as Little John were still celebrating the goal, Ricky’s team one a stupid free kick from a Hopwood tackle. A number of errors led to another silly goal being blasted past Austin. The whistle was blown for half time and Little John once again went to the Water Boy to get their water. The team was tired hot and sweating like fuck, however they realised they had a job to do. With the whistle blown Little John went on the attack with Mike planting a great shot into the bottom right corner past the keeper. There was no stopping it as he ran into the crowd celebrating. Having learnt from their mistakes Little John had to stay composed and organised with Poulakis coming on to battle out the dying minutes, as his family did in Troy. Within seconds Nick was in the book for a scorching foul given away in a silly position; however the resultant free kick was caught by Austin. The game continued and once again Moon pushed down the right flank and Becko battled away in the centre of the field. Another goal was needed and it come from a great move by Hawes who ran half the pitch to slot past the keeper. It was 4-2 to Little John and surely it was over. Ricky’s team had conceded to defeat and as a result this led to aggressive tackles with Moon being elbowed in the face and a resultant brawl commenced as the clock ticked away. The whistle was blown and the tournament won by Little John as they claimed their prize money and trophy which was lifted by the Captain. The Man of the Match went to Hartley for his solid performance and great organisation of his solid back 3. Geoff was awarded manager of the month and the cheeky Russian was signed by Adidas to work alongside Pierluigi Collina. The whole team will hopefully be defending this title next season and hopefully many more great things are to come from such an experience. The players left the ground and made their way to the Student Union bars to spend their money on a good old drinking session or in Mark’s case; buy the lads rounds and whoever gets drunk the most can stay round his. The players continued to party the night out with the trophy and several players striking lucky with the local lasses and lads. Hopwood and Poulakis took Bonnie and Gemma back however cheesy chips was all they got, whereas Moon snogged a gay man (he said that he was attacked by an allegedly gay man, but we all know he’s gay too). Moonie said in his defence “No one can be sure if the guy was gay but I took no chances and told the guy where to fuck off to. The only confirmation that the guy was gay was from Ant Hopwood (We do not have knowledge of how he knows this???)”. There he goes trying to pass the blame onto someone else, just admit it Moonie!