I see you everyday,
As I pass you in the hallways...

You have a smugish look on face,
As I look sad but happy at the same time...

I can’t take my eyes off your eyes as you look,
Happy to see me in so long...

I say, “Hi”
You say nothin’...

You walk up to me with a hug waitin’,
Just for little old me...

I smile,
You smile...

I see you’ve changed since childhood,
But hun so have I...

I loved what you’ve done with your hair,
But you never seem to see my make-up...

I’ve learned so much over the years of not,
Seein’ how you’ve changed till now...

You look better then ever,
As I see you’ve gotten taller...

And me stayin’ the same,
But a tad bit taller...

You’ve never seem to be,
The same as I seem to be different...

But what do I care?
I’ve gotten to see my friend,
Since forever...

Friends will stay that’s if they are,
True to you and what they and show...

We have been friends for more than ever...
But how long has it really been?
Maybe two or may one?!
But seems so long ago that,
You were you still in dippers...

But so was I...
But who really cares about that,
Now do they?

We can always be friends till thee end...
True but will it last?
I truly hope...
Because it’s lasted for this long,
Has it?

I lay in bed just wishin’ for my time to come for my surgery,
For witch I was wantin’ some relief from all this damn pain!
It gives me yet another sleepless night,
For I hate losin’ my sleep and bein’ grumpy!
I know I’ll never get the sleep I want,
And it makes me wanna scream!
I feel screams gettin’ ready to come out,
Any time when I least want it!

Why can’t they leave me alone?
Why?
Why do I have to worry about everything,
I do when I shouldn’t be feelin’ so tired after,
A very short walk or run or bike ride or whatever,
I want to do?
I should be enjoyin’ everything just like everyone else...
I know that...
But as soon as I have the surgery I should feel all the wonderful,
New fun I’ll be havin’ after...
I smile as I can see it show on my face...

I can’t wait...
This is goin’ to be fun...
So fun I’ll be wantin’ to plan...
More smiles sneak up on me...
I want it so bad...
But it won’t be much longer...
I’m happy about that...
I feel a warm hand on top of mine as look beside me...
My mom’s hand felt so warm...
And even her smile was a very nice warmin’ feelin’ to me...
I motion for her lower her face...
She does...
I give her a great big kiss and whisper...
“I love you!”
She gives me another warmin’ smile...
I laugh and she smiles...
I smile back her way...
She gives me another smile and comes over with a hug...
It feels good...
Very good to have her love and her give confidence...

I try not focus on anything,
As I feel my whole arm goin’ numb,
From shoulder to finger tips...

I finely feel the need for some help...
I lay next to my mom with words ready,
To be formed out of mouth...

She tries to give me some comfort,
By rubbin’ my head but goes to rub my arm,
And I say, “Ow! It hurts with any touch!”

She goes back rubbin’ my head to get me,
Off focusin’ on the numbin’ pain...
That screamin’ pain not lettin’ up one bit...

I start to feel more numbin’ pain,
As I try to not move my arm....
I almost started cryin’ but forced myself not to...

I start to feel the need for goin’ to the bathroom...
I couldn’t even use my lefted arm at all...
I get done and head back to bed...

Mom starts to get a worried look as she sees pain in my eyes...
She calls the doctor and tells him everything...
She gets a paper bag and has me breathin’ in and out of it...

It doesn’t work as I try my best to breathe...
It hurts so much to breathe...
I get rushed to the er and when we get there,
Mom goes to get a wheel chair for me...

I know I can walk fine but she was just worried,
So she had me sit down in it as someone wheels me...
Someone let them know why I am here,
As they have me fill out a piece of paper...

Soon someone comes and gets me...
They wheel me into a room and have me put on a gown...
They have me lay down as they put in a breathin’ tub in nose...

That tub was so annoyin’ but it helped out gettin’ rid of that numbin’ feelin’...
That painful feelin’...
They finish hookin’ me up...

They take my blood pressure and check my heart rate...
It must have been fine...
They stick in a needle and drew some blood...

That needle hurt...
They had it in my right arm...
I kept of sreamin’ out, “That hurts! Ow!”

I start to feel like cryin’...
Mom is right next to tryin’ to give me comfort...
They finely finish drawin’ blood but that needle stays on...

It still kept on hurtin’...
Over and over...
It finely stops hurtin’...

They came back to get some more blood for testin’...
That needle begins to hurt yet again as they drew more blood...
Pain after pain goes threw me...

I finely get better movement in my left arm back...
It felt so good...
I kept takin’ out the breathin’ tub in my nose...

O’ I hate that breathin’ tub...
I’m in the er for sometime...
I finely get some sleep...

Mom tells me I got up to 45 mins of sleep,
After not able to get to sleep Saturday night...
They finely release me from er...

Just as soon as I thought I was goin’ to go home...
I’m havin’ to go to Dallas...
The doctor at the hospital goes and sees me...

I tell mom I felt like throwin’ up...
It was an awful feelin’...
Yet again my blood pressure is checked...

He checks to see how my heart was soundin’...
He checks for a good heart beat...
He has me lay down as he checks out my bones...

He checks out my skull and neck....
He starts to notice that there was some discomfort...
He does some kind of a meditatin’ thing on them bones...

He tells me to relax and just let my head be like a ragdoll...
So I do and let it be loose...
He checks my ribs, arms, back, legs, feet,
And my head and neck again...

I begin to feel a little better after that...
I was able to breathe a little better, too...
And that was a relief...

Mom’s worried looks went away as she sees,
My face eyes look less painful...
You know...

You can see everything in yours eyes...
It’s funny but so very true...
Mom’s tells me my cheeks look normal,
And not a bright pink...

I’m happy but know I should be glade to know why all the pain...
My bones were the ones that were givin’ me all that pain...
Hard time breathe... That kind of stuff...

I look in the mirror at my face,
And see some things I don’t like about me!

I feel a frown appear on my once happy face,
As still look unhappy with this pain I feel,
Just about every night!

It’s so hard to breathe most of the time,
As I try and catch enough air,
But end up havin’ to get up most of,
The time just to get a simple breathe,
In and out!

This startin’ to wear in me,
And give my mom some more,
Worries as she tries so hard,
To keep me from havin’ more,
And more pain!

I hate havin’ to deal with this,
As more comes out to have,
Me feel so much like cryin’,
Myself to sleep or none at all!

I spend too much time catchin’,
My breathe that I miss out on,
So much sleep at night that,
Mom is worried that they will,
Never let me have a nice sleep,
With this painful scar as I say,
Is about to form into havin’,
To get rushed to the er,
To get yet some more air,
Into me!

I hate those breathin’ tubes,
They have to go into your nose,
I have enough trouble as it is,
With my sinus that I don’t to worry,
So much about not gettin’ a good,
Breathe in now and then without,
Pain in my chest!

It’s becomin’ dual that I hate it,
So much have this!

It feels so much like a scare wantin’,
Take place inside!

Not what I want,
Not a single bit!

I wanna have a normal breathe!
Is that hard to ask for?
Is it?
I wanna breathe regular,
Then I am now!

Pain after pain,
Tear after tear!
Why is it like this? Why do I feel this?
Why am I feelin’ so damn tired?
I want this to end,
But each day is another for it to go!
I want it to go but how?
Do I have to wait till surgery?
Or do I have to cry?
I feel tears fallin’ down in my heart,
Just beggin’ for this to stop!
I’m sick and tired of havin’,
This everyday of my life!
I fall deeper down just prayin’ for this to come...
So I’ll be feelin’ like I’m livin’ a new life,
But really in reality I’m still livin’ my old life...
Just got something new to live for...
I wish for this to hurry so I don’t have trouble sleepin’...
Soon I’ll be happy and with my friends like I’ve always liked...
This like a weight on mom’s shoulder’s just as much it is on ours...
This isn’t how I want to worry my friends and family over....
But what is done is done... Life is life...
But are we humans? Or are we not? I say we are humans...
That’s what God would consider use as...
Wouldn’t he? I say yes.... You know why?
Because I believe everyone has a little bit of him inside...
Don’t you? I believe so.... Shouldn’t you?

I look up at you with,
Fear and hate,
For the ways I’ve,
So dearly wish for,
No one to have ever,
Seen into my soul,
Just burning yet another,
Hole just waiting to,
Pull me deeper,
And deeper down!

Those eyes of yours,
Are like a mistory,
To my bleeding heart,
Crying for love!

Love that I my never,
See from you,
Not ever,
It hurts to see,
You so loving yet,
You turn around,
And stab me straight,
Through to my bleeding,
Love for you!

I cry- you turn,
Your head away,
From me like I am,
Worth not a thing,
For you have just,
Not wanted to be,
With me but I was,
Wanting you to stay,
But I guess you,
Were never meant,
To be!

Me heart bleeding,
For all the pain you,
Have caused!
Pain that is leaving me,
To die in my own blood!

Blood that has been,
Leaking from my eyes,
That sees every pain,
Of the bleeding heart!

Bleeding Heart,
Crying every night!



Written: Saturday, October 7, 2006
Typed: Monday, October 16, 2006

Those three words,
I love you seem so easy to say,
But really if you don’t really stick,
Up to what you mean by it,
Then you don’t really mean to say,
That at all!!

It’s so very easy sayin’ it but really,
You’re not thinkin’ of what the other,
Person is wantin’ from you when you,
Say I love you,
All you’re sayin’ is,
Can I fuck you to night?

So all you really want to do is fuck up,
Another persons spirit they have so,
Sincerely gave you their heart just to,
Impress you for you just wanted to fuckin’,
Fuck with them just to get what you,
Want and not care for the other!!

So you just fucked up your future,
And everything that comes with it,
Just to get your way,
When you don’t you go and fuck with,
Someone else’s feelin’ just to make yourself,
Feel better just feel worse later,
That if you fuckin’ have a soul,
You would have never fucked up someone,
Else’s life as much as yours!!

So be care full with what you say,
And make sure you can back it up,
Never just willingly say I love you,
If you don’t show how you feel!!

I cry and tears leave a wet mark on down my check,
Fallowin’ the chin line down to the pillow!
Tears after another,
New ones form and at the bottom of eye,
Just wantin’ to come gushin’ out in streams!

Tear Stain....
They never seem to leave no matter how much you,
Wash the remains away you’ll for always have them,
There stainin’ that fragile face of yours you so dearly loved!

I feel so much like fuckin’ cryin’ that my fuckin’ head hurts to damn much... I so fuckin’ hat this!! I just want it to all go away... All the damn pain I feel... It’s so fuckin’ annoyin’... This is so fucked up!! I don’t fuckin’ want to live like this... I want to have a normal life for once... One without pain... Now that word is so fuckin’ nice... *closes eyes* I fuckin’ tired of this shit... And now I have to also deal with fuckin’ nosebleeds, chest pain, and every fuckin’ thing in this hell of a life people call it... I just fuckin’ want to be happy... I may have people think I’m happy but really deep inside shit is rottin’ away in my soul...I just want everything to fine... I’m fuckin’ shuttin’ up!!

Rain drops fallin’ out of eyes,
With new ones to fallow,
In it’s path!

Just cries to let out her,
Pain! Pain that flows in her,
Very body cryin’ to be free,
Just to have her cryin’ for,
It to leave!

Headaches, Hmm... They can,
Be one hell of pain to get them,
To leave. To leave this body,
Soakin’ in pain!

My sleepless nights tend,
To keep me soakin’ in it.
Tired, I feel like that a lot,
These days!

I hope for all this to,
Soon leave me routing in,
My grave of pity!

There may never be,
Relief for I am livin’,
Day to day with this,
For to all end.
End my life but that,
Would be too much to ask for,
So I ask for all,
This pain to go route,
In hell!

Hell that feels so near,
That I can touch it,
Creasin’ my very finger,
Tips movin’ to the rythm!

For there may never be,
Peace for how ever long,
This pain will make me,
Suffer for I have suffered,
Long enough with it!

Chest pains...
They could be hell...
I had one that came back,
Hauntin’ me like it would never leave!

I hate them so much,
That they take away my joy,
That I so much worked to get,
Back in place!

I hate them...
I really fuckin’ hate them...
They bring back worries,
That should never be returned!

Chest pains fuckin’ like to make,
Me life miserable to live,
If they come back hauntin’,
Me in such away that,
Can’t be described with,
Just words alone!

Tears stains strikin’,
Down that fragile face,
That should have never,
Been roamin’ free!

Tears of rain,
That can be hidden,
But for how long?
How long will the rain last?
Blood tricklin’ freely,
Drivin’ you insane,
Just lookin’ at it!

Vamps comin’ out,
Just willin’ to drink,
Up your blood tricklin’,
As ashes form underneath,
Those pretty feet,
Just bein’ burnt to nothin’,
The less!

Hearts bein’ wrapped,
In remorse of what,
Was left to route!
To route in hell!

Hell of pain and misery,
Just callin’ for help!
Help that will never,
Live up to the standards!

What are we?
Are we just here,
For hell to play,
Games?
Games of blood,
Hearts,
Eyes?

Eyes that see into,
Your very soul just,
Eatin’ up for there,
Fun that has torn,
You up?

Pain?
What is pain?
And why do we,
Feel it so much?

Fear?
What do you fear?
What is fear to you?
Clowns?
They can be a bitch...
I fuckin’ hate them...
Clowns just go to hell...
Hell were they all belong...

Fear is what people,
Think up or live with,
All there lives!
And, I say that’s,
Me right there...

Hear birds singin’,
Their songs of joy!
They sound very peaceful,
To listen to...

I hold out my hand,
For one to fly to me!
I smile hearin’ their,
Songs of love!
I lurv how they can,
Be beautiful!

How they fly,
Sing,
Drink!
They just look,
Pretty to watch,
Day in and out!

© 2006 All Rights Reserved.