Ned Kelly - THE REVIEW

Although this film is good i think it is quite clear that they'd tried to make a film out of not much of a story which is clear by how short the film seems

 Orlando does (as far as iv seen ) his best proformance yet and provideds much of the comic relief in the film

The first shot of Orlando is much like it is in Black Hawk Down.

A fleeting scan of the landscape then a glance at the lovely Orlando dressed in straight trousers, a waistcoat and a green top hat.

His hair is curly and not unlike that picture we love in the t-t-too fit magazine

He has the best accent in the group dispite the lack of lines

He was right when he said he was a bit of a ladies man being shown kissing at leat 3 women that are either ugly or alot older than him

He is also the most educated as he speeks chinese in two ocassions during the film and is the only one who can write

The best part of the film has to be the scene in the post office which includes Orlando's best bits:

him playing with a small animal skull and the 2nd woman in his acting history calling him "a beast!"

 All in all it was a good but quick film and even my sister, who finds every oppotunity to criticise Orlando, could not find a fault with his proformance

She was just waiting for a puffy legolas type line but it didnt come

  c Jah

Pirates of the Caribbean - THE REVIEW

A film very different to expectations. Even if, in my case, you didn't even go with any!

Johnny Depp is fantastic as the comic and infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. Our first shot of whom is the man himself stood on top of what we expect to be a fabulous and elaborate Pirate ship in all his costume. Finding it to be something a lot more amusing it, and the scene that follows, really introduces us to the true character, his attitude and presence that continues throughout the film.

Though, Mr Bloom suffers from his usual lack of any real part, he does well and pulls his weight. He is, however, completely overshadowed by Johnny and can't really compete with such a lovable character that matches all the rave reviews he's obtained. A character that will probably be well remembered.

While Johnny, Orlando and Geoffrey spend their time amusing us with many humourous comments including "stop blowing holes in my ship" Keira's character Elizabeth is the one who doues all the rescuing along with the many "is she dead? Is she hell!" situations.

The best and most visually striking scene is the final fight between Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush. As they battle it out for the Black Pearl, dashing through beams of moonlight the speed of the effects is brilliant.

  This is a film which embraces all cheese and clich�s with lines and sections suspiciously similar to other films but with a twist.

Maybe it's the rare fact that the films star is such a complete failure on most accounts that makes it so fresh and different. I, myself, am not really sure how they'll make a sequel out of it but if all goes to [my evil] plan and if I can muster enough sympathy and use enough blackmail on my source in St. Vincent I may well be on set to see (well within viewing distance of) the filming of sed sequel!

 � Jah

HARRY POTTER

Today i would like to have a good ol' rant about my dear pal JK and her books of late.

Harry Potter would be much more fun to take the piss out of if it wasn't half good. However, why is it that every book has to end with that fabulous House Cup? I mean WHO CARES! Really! Who does! I ask anyone who reads this and can be assed to have an opinion opposing mine to get in touch and explain to me why it is they care.

Am i alone in wanting a certain Malfoy to kick Harry's ass once in a while? He is after all a much better actor! but i am getting side tracked, i will get to the film all in good time.

I know that she wrote the book for a young audience and has tried to make it more appealing to the older ones (for those who haven't realised- thats what Sexy Sirius is for) but come on! She could've made Harry a bit more daring! Maybe going into the woods now and again is daring for her but i asure you it is nothing compared to what some normal kids, maybe even her's, are "daring" to do!

(The above "daringness" excludes me of course!)

I, like many others, would have much prefered to see Ron die and think that more twists should happen involving the charecters. i.e:

Perhaps Harry could be gay

Neville should be his long lost brother

Voldie should prevale

Hermione should suffer savage PMT

Dumbledore should be attacked by minotors

Ron (if indeed he's still alive) should go through a punk phaze

and so on

THE FILM

Well... What to say?

I could act better. In fact i probably will! I will talk to my people and see if we may, for my amusement, try a re-make exclusive to .com/lij-jah

That's all i can be assed to say on the matter for now

I'll thank you all for no comments on the spelling errors that may of occured during my impulsive rant

Scooby Doo

Now, as I am presently bored and not otherwise engaged for another hour or so therefore I will have another rant.

Scooby Doo- do I need to say much more!?

Now I�m a big supporter of kids TV programs and think they should be, if indeed they�re not already, appreciated by all ages. But why oh why do they insist on putting that out-of-date, plotless load of crap on our TV!

They seem to be so proud that its still going and our parents watched it but come on! Our parents watched things like� well Thunderbirds was in my time so god know what they had!

It�s stupid, insanely annoying and it has NO PLOT! I mean what fun is it inflicting? Guess who done it? Well let me think�.. Maybe, just maybe it was the one who reported it in the first place! Ooo! Or possibly the police man, who warned them off at the beginning, wearing a mask! Now that would be a twist! (hint- sarcasm) Who when discovered replies imaginatively;

�And I would�ve got away with it too if it wasn�t for you pesky kids!�

Such an amusing program! With such a witty star- a talking dog who�s scared of everything, has a stupid voice and a friend called Shaggy too boot!

Shaggy! Don�t ask me what the others are called as I�m scaring myself already with the knowledge I have of it! but I think the gay blonde ones called Fred and there�s a Patty in there somewhere.

Sorry I have to move to a something different now as Blue Peters blabbing on in the background and that weird Matt bloke is inflicting much pain on a poor defenseless old man clearly not used to being put up the top of a cathedral or standing next to chiming bells and is saying his name far to much for comfort and I�m sure this Alinoosh cant appreciate it either.

So, yes. WHY! Grrrrr! Maybe I�d allow them to have it on once or twice you know, a Sunday or something but its like everyday! And twice! Just for a treat they have double bills!

And they all stand so weirdly. With their hips forward leaning back especially that blonde one in the purple.

To conclude, when I rule the world (apart from Acomb- that can fester!) I will cancel it.

Thank you for your time

Grease

Now Grease. We all know it. Its famous. It's a musical. But it annoys the hell outta me!

John Travolta (how the hell do you spell his name anyway!) is most certainly not fit and wears half mast trousers

Secondly, the songs are over sung, over cheesy and downright gay! why sing about a car! or whether someone should drop out of school!

Thirdly, it's not even a love story as she has to take up smoking and become a slag in the end to get him to notice her!

These people are clearly too old and stod to go to "high school" anyway so drop out! is the world going to be affected!? i think not

Since Jah is not a big fan of Grease Lij will take great pleasure in informing her that it is number 1 in the 100 Greatest Musicals shown on Channel 4 yesterday.

In the opinion of Lij, since it is completely stupid featuring songs about "reproduction" "doing it for the country" and one girl saying "I can't die wearing my mothers underwear" she prefers Grease 2

More Rants i should think...

For more Rants and Reviews visit www.freewebs.com/deppies

Yesterday I was reading the newspaper - News Of The World, imagine me reading a broadsheet.... - and I came across an article about a "Coronation Street Star Beauty" or something but this person has only been in Coro like, once, maybe twice. (She's supposed to be Fred's Thai Mail Order Bride type thing.) So, how can she be classed as a Coronation Street star? Does this mean that if you are an extra in any program you immediately become a star? I think not. But if we go by that rule it must mean that Eunice Huthart or whatever her name was must be a superstar! The amount of times she was on Gladiators and won was unbelievable (Oh, Hunter has a baby and a new partener....I think she's a blonde. Can't remember. Don't get a good view anymore cos they put a plant next to the hedge to block my very large peeping hole.) But back to this woman, Casey aged 30, in the picture she's wearing a tiny "skirt" and a decant length top and surprise, she's lying down in that "sexy pose" that every female seems to do. Why? I don't really find it attractive, even if I was male I don't think I would. And why is wearing the least amount of "clothes" called "sexy?" Should it not be classed as "slutty?" No, it's "art." Just because they want to show off their body for money why should we suffer seeing it? And page 3 (Mrs Gott, Year 8 - opened it and showed the whole class) what is the point? Can you see anyone doing it if they didn't get piad? And Jordan - why would you want plastic boobs that big? They would stop you from sleeping on your front but I suppose a plus is if you drop your food it wont land on your knee or the floor. But still, I can't be assed to complain about this any more so now we move on to music...

THE STREETS! How bloody crap are they???????!!!!!!!!! Why were they signed? Why do people buy their records? Do they honestly see talent in them?? They don't sing and they dont rap. They talk to the beat. "I'm not trying to pull you, even though I would like to. I think you are really fit, you're fit but my gosh don't you know it." Those lyrics are worse than Busted for God's sake! And Busted's are bad enough "Air Hostess, I like the way you dress." Even my poems are better!

And the Barenaked Ladies........none of them are female!!!! They may be transexual I suppose.

Britney Spears....Is it me or is she just getting annoying. Well, she's not getting as she already is annoying. Everything she does is for publicty, Madonna, marriage, suicide (in her new video) and if it's not publicity then there are very few clothes involved. Once I was very unfortunate as to view the Toxic video which I try very hard to avoid but when you have an awkward sister it is a challenging task, I noticed she was wearing  a disgusting net top type think with like, butterfly things or whatever stuck in random places but even so, the top was seethrough! And not everyone enjoys seeing naked women. Myself being one. And in her concerts she has been accused of being to raunchy. But I thought she was doing well in her Everytime Video. Apart from the bath and her ever so strategically placed hair but then on comes a pointless image of her in a coridor wearing barely more than a shirt...the point???????? She realises she's failing and is making herself slutty to stop it.

Now, Jason Donovan!!!!! There's classic music! I'm deafening myself with it!

Too many broken hearts in the world
There's too many dreams can be broken in two
Too many broken hearts in the world
So I won't give up the fight for you

Now, this is a thing a lot of people do. I do myself but don't know why. When in conversation with someone they say something and then sometimes you say along the lines of "sorry, what was that?" Meaning that you missed what they had said even though you know exactly what they said. Tis a weird thing to do.

And now I realise that I did it yesterday (Thursday) to the barman. I knew exactly what he said - that I drink fast (But I asked him to repeat anyway) And that is bloody true. Was drinking tequila sunrises and I love them so much. Got kinda tipsy. Have had my yearly supply of tequila. Those drinks were soo strong. But you get fancy pretty paper things and I wanted a collection. I underpaid the barman. He almost forgot to charge me at all. Before that there was another barman whom I confused very much. I even confused myself. I told him that the blass was groken. But the glass was broken. His name was Sergio. Quite exotic compared to Daniel and Marc. Didn't make friends with any of the barmen (apart from a guy who was giving me a hot dog - even though I don't really like the sausage - wrapped in foil. One end was sticking out the foil and it looked kind of dodgy. The guy noticed and he just winked at me. As did a pervy French guy. I was at the bar - believe it or not but I didn't actually go to the bar that much - and the guy came next to me and ordered a drink in English. He then said "por favor" instead of Thank you and so I just said to him "You're getting your Spanish in there" and he says "I'm not English. I don't speak English. I speak English and French. Can you speak French?" I said un peu even though that is a lie as I am crap at French. But then He asked me what I was drinking and when I sat down he was staring at me and winking. Bare in mind that he would be mid to late thirties. He was bald on top and had a right evil glare.) Anyway, back to the dodgy sausage. We went into a shop and I saw a plastic carrot. I picked it up and thought that the dog would like to chew it. I then discovered that the top comes off and reveals a cock. My mother found a cock keyring - she squeezed it and goo came out the end. (Speaking of cocks, we were in our room and the walls were so thin that we could hear a couple above us pleasuring themselves. My mother just shouts "We know what you're doing" and then they stopped.) We went to a restaurant and the word "cuchillo" means knife. Tis pronounced "coochio" and a knife certainly is not coochy. This links to Bingo Coochie coochie, the game played in Mexico, but Bingo was also played in Spain and in Spain there was a guy who did the announcements. He always started by saying "Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-dong!" He was ace.

I'm tired now. It's 9pm and I have been up since the 5 o'clock hour - your time. Twas 6:15am in Spain. I feel sick. But yet I still type. Is it me or can anyone else sense a strange attraction to Gordon Ramsey? And is there anyone who will admit to signing me up to the Man United newsletter? Could it be the same person who signed me to Ask the Rabbi Weekly. It gives me advice from the Torah. I did not read. I came back and had 110 porn/other crap e-mails in my Fleabag e-mail. I'm going now. Kind of drifting out of consciousness. I've mispellt some of the past few words but I can't se soo I don'tr care. Good bye.

We all know (well, most who I talk to do) my opinions of the Americans. For more info you can read my rant at top of the page.

But another thing I want to point out is David Blaine. He's was in a box. American reaction: He's so wonderful and amazing. He's really clever. English reaction: He's a pillock in a box. (Maybe the word pillock is not used but it's words to that effect.) I personally agree with the English reaction. Why did he need to be in England? Did we want him? Did we admire him? Did we care that he was there? The last answer is Yes. He should not be in England! The only reason is that if anything went wrong it's cheaper on the NHS. That is wrong. He wants to starve in a box then let him do it. Don't make us pay for it.

Now, you can't blame the Yanks for everything as we do have Derren (not Darren) Brown who "played Russian Roulette live on channel 4" on Sunday. (Was it on opposite Corronation Street's first gay kiss? No. God that kiss was dire.) But you know, Derren Brown may also be described as a pillock. But he was still be more interesting than a man who couldn't talk much slower and sits - or stands depending on his mood - in a box all day.

And one criticism to the English:

"I found a pound!"

"Did ya really!"

No. We say it for fun.

A mild word about the French.

Americans

This week has been really odd. Mainly I almost got a B in R.E which is amazing considering my love of God who just seems to be a big headed pillock "Praise me and no-one else. I rule all. I kick ass. Blah blah blah." (Apologies) if anyone gets offended but read the 10 Commandments "Thou shalt praise only One God!" Why one God? What's better about him instead of others e.g. Buddha? Buddha has a better name. Why do Yanks say Boo-da? It's bud - as in flower bud. You don't say flower bood. Tis stupid. Anyway. Yanks. Need more be said? Anyway. Have realised that if there was an equivilant word for racist but against Americans then I would be it. Sort of. Cos I've noticed that at our school there is a new man thing who is helping with English lessons. Why? He is American. Not English. England does not need Yanks teaching us how to talk properly. Is the language not called English - originating from England not America. If it was from America it would American. But it's not. So piss off! They can't come to England saying their American speak. Are they trying to convertus to say "diapers?" I will never say diaper. IT'S A NAPPY! Also pants. Pants are underwear NOT trousers. Jam is NOT jelly! And jelly is NOT jello. But the word "dixie" does sound better than paper cup although a cup made of paper is technically a paper cup. Well it's really polystrene but at leaste they both begin with P whereas dixie has no resembalance to either paper nor cup.

Dear Lord (Oh no I took his name in vain) I've written loads and that's not even my point. But back to the point of being half Anti-American. You have already witnessed the against part but the for part is that when I meet Americans I get on with them well enough. For example Miss Dallas. Granted I can't remember/never knew her name but she seemed nice enough as did Megan. Apart from her comment "Are you from London" That was not so appreciated. But I like some American actors. Elijah Wood. And I love some American music not available from crappy English groups. Such as American Hi-Fi, Simple Plan, The Starting Line (which I am currently listening to.) and many others. Remy Zero, Hoobastank. Even Michelle Branch. But the thing is that hardly anyone has heard of them. So if someone asks what groups I like and I say one of them they think I'm odd. Why do some English people not appreciate the good music instead of crap such as Busted? (That comment may now cause uproar if my sister reads but it's true!) So that's one thing.

Thing Number 2.

Last year (March/April 2003) I was/still am doing some coursework about foods sold in shops so I e-mailed some companies. Got responses from Netto, Sainsburys, Tesco etc... But then, on Wednesday(?) I recieved a phone call.

"Hello, Is that Leigh?" said this really posh woman.

"Yes" I replied truthfully.

"I'm from HJ Heinz and we have received two e-mails from you concering our food products."

"Okay" Reply I slightly bewildered

"Well, we are not really allowed to discuss that sort of information so I am afraid that I can't help you with your enquiry."

"Ok" say I

"Ok" says She

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye" says she. Generally this is the point of putting down the phone. Not her. I dropped my phone and saw that she was still there. I then put the phone down.

Now that was really odd. 9 months later they ring up and say that they can't help. The point? Even I have forgotten about enquiry.

Today 31st January twas rainng all day. At ten to three mother pipes up with "Take the dog for a walk." So I do. We go outside. Get wet. Rain stops. Get to field. Am muddy. Take dog off lead. Walk to gate. Let dog in second field. Fuck. Sheep in field. Dog in field.  Dog and sheep together. In field. Me. Not amused. Woof from dog. Bloody hell. Sheep are fast runners. Dog is also fast. Lij. Run? Fuck off. Leave dog to it. I walk off. Dog sniffs sheep ass. Dog runs away from sheep. Follows me. See people on path. Coming towards us. Dog shits on floor. People see dog shit on floor. Fuck. Take nappy bag out of pocket. Pick up dog crap. Discover only half has been picked up. Twas my first time. It stinks terribly. Half removed. Half not. Did I make the mess? No. Walk off away from smell. Put crap in dog bin. I run around field. Why? Not necessary. Twas done. Never again. Hopefully. Get return of heart disease. See old English Sheep Dog. Dog smells dog. Both male. Sheep dog mounts my dog. Gay dogs. Humping. In hysterics. My dog runs away. I get muddier. Go home. Change jeans. Do nothing. The End.

TV

Monday 1st March, 6:00pm. What's on TV?

BBC1 - News, BBC2 - The Simpsons, ITV - News, C4 - The Salon, C5 - Home And Away, Sky - Bugger All

So, as you can see, the choice isn�t that varied. We have the News, twice. Why? On BBC it�s Look North and on ITV it�s Calendar. It�s not like they show something different. They are both supposedly Local News and because it�s local the stories won�t be very different. And today they will probably talk about the Oscars and they are not exactly local unless being within a 10,000 mile radius is classed as local. Generally they have around 3 or 4 stories. Unless they are going to drag it out over half an hour like Trevor McDonald does, they can tell all their stories within 15 minutes and then after that they repeat them again for another 15 minutes. Why? And then, after the Local news they have the proper News, stories from the rest of England and other countries, most likely including coverage of the Oscars - again! So within 1 hour you would get 4 pieces on the Oscars on one channel. It�s stupid.

Home And Away, well, if need be I would be able to suffer watching but this would not happen through choice.

The Salon - I HATE this program! Everyone says that it�s really good but I honestly do not see it!. The last time I viewed was accidentally when I was on the phone to my sister. Richard and Judy finished and then on comes The Salon. I didn�t have the box so couldn�t change and because I was talking I didn�t pay that much attention but when I did... there was a man who was having his bum waxed. What is entertaining about that? Do we really need to see it? My thoughts... NO!

So I then watch the Simpsons. Last week they showed an episode that I laugh at every single time but it�s not even that funny. It�s the episode when Homer and Bart become truckers and they have that machine that drives the truck for them. Meanwhile, Marge and Lisa buy a doorbell and that�s the part that I find funny. They put the doorbell on the door and when it plays Marge sings along. �Why do birds suddenly appear?� and that bit gets repeated. Lisa then says something about the tune repeating and Marge says �Who cares? Nobody could ever get tired of this song.� And then she repeats singing. See, it�s not even funny but I laugh anyway.

And that is how I live my life.