That's what I'm often told when people look at all the 'Stuff and Nonsense' that I dream up and then post or print off.

Personally, I find that it's just my creative side looking to escape.

Here's some of my mental refuse for you to peruse!

I've been performing music for years on and off... rather than post a REAL biography I thought I'd lie through me teeth and put this 'fake' one in here... the name 'Chewie' is an abbreviation of my nickname 'Chewbaxter' (My surname is Baxter and... well... I'm sure you can work it out).

Here ye go!

Back in 1978, Ian Dearth from the quaint Wigganshire village of Eyup first picked up a guitar... naturally, his Mother made him put it back down again as he was only six years old... plus, the busker who had stopped to 'take five' and nip for a pee was looking none too happy!

In 1984 Ian was 'encouraged' (i.e. forced into) playing the trumpet at his school... but was soon discouraged from this as he attempted to 'brass up' such classic rock tunes as "Paranoid", "Smoke On The Water" and "Remember You're A Womble" with a truly sickening effect.

Nothing happened for a bit... and then at 16 years of age he bought a guitar.

And at 17, finally learned to play it.

Forming the seminal group "Seminal Group", Ian went through obscurity and anonimity and almost hit the local music scene... until a neighbour complained and the group had to relocate from Big Dave's garage to a spooky rundown house miles away from anywhere.

"A bit like off of Scooby Doo" Ian would often claim, "or a 'Children's Film Foundation' presentation".

Anyhow... Ian's success was not to be as he formed, reformed and generally strummed his way through many groups such as 'Lazy Melon', 'Kingfinger', 'DeepSnake 2000', 'Linkon Bizkit' and 'Pew' before finally deciding on 'jacking it in and looking for an alternative'.

"I thought to myself... remixing must be easier" he told 'Y' magazine in a 1993 interview, "I mean... Jean-Michelle Jarre has done a bit of that... and he's hardly Kraftwerk is he - surely I could manage it!"

So swapping guitar for geekdom, Ian began to nick other people's music in order to make his name in the world... plus, he no longer had to travel to gigs nor had he to 'divvy up for petrol money'.

Success came with the release of his first single in 1994: "It's All It Was Worth". 

 

"Genius I thought," Ian would boast, "because no matter what the price tag on the case was... there was a certain irony there - people knew what they were paying and that was 'all that it was worth' - clever I thought!"

Two more singles followed in 1995: "Who Laid The Dog Egg?" and International Club Favourite "My Arse". 
 
"My Arse was on everyone's lips" Ian told 'The Chaplain' magazine, "even Ricky Tomlinson was doing well on the deal - he turned my song into a catchprase and later milked it to death in the comedy show "One's Having That, Lurkio!"

In 1997 Ian's long-awaited album "Booze, Blow & Burberry" was released and went straight into the charts at number 14. 

 

"I'd been waiting for this to be released for a long time" Ian bragged, "and thanks to my talent, the record company finally got the bugger out and into the shops... it went to number one the week later and stayed there for 18 weeks! Belting!"

Sadly, success went to Ian's head in a rather dramatic way and he invested his money in a "Kickboxing For Dogs" school in Northumberland.

"I thought I had the gift you see" he confessed on MTV's popular "I've Sh*t It Now" show, "I thought - I can do anything me... I bet I can even train dogs to fight Jean-Claude Van Damme style. I know know it was foolish - dogs are better at Aikido... like what Seagal does. You learn."

Nowadays Ian can be seen walking around Music Stores looking for copies of his album to sign - twice this year he has been arrested for this.

Thanks to the internet, Ian has again been plucked from obscurity... who knows what the future holds for this once talented individual?

By the way... if you want his album, you can often get it as a 'Buy It Now' on eBay for a couple of quid... no doubt Ian himself would tell you "it's all it was worth".

I have 'restrictions' in my ability to look happy, in that I always have a 'sulky' or 'miserable' expression on my face... this is something I can do nothing about until I can get funding for plastic surgery, or a decent sized coathanger to bung in my mouth to help create a smile.

Generally though, I AM happy although I don't look it.

Of course, the definition of 'being happy' in the North West and particularly Wigan is different than elsewhere... we all use negatives when being positive such as:

"I'm not too bad, thanks for asking" (implying that things are to some degree bad).

"Oh... can't complain" (usually followed by a complaint).

And the classic seen when someone demolishes a meal, troughing it in record time:

"I've had better... but it was all right I suppose".

Well, I've been thinking... that's STILL not enough to help turn me miserable, so I've edumacated myself through the following ten tips - try 'em out for yourself!



10 Steps To Misery

1. When picking up litter, always 'tut' when doing so... also, look around for folk who see you doing it and shake your head... if they are fellow 'Miseries' they'll do the same thing and may also tut!

2. When someone 'phones and says they've not heard from you for a while, say "Well, it was your turn to phone me".

3. When a family member goes out shopping, disappear to another part of the house. When they return, say "You didn't ask me if I wanted anything" thus making them feel uncomfortable.

4. Treat all people with equal contempt... and anyone who does something for you, always say to them "What are you after?"

5. If you see a dog on a lead which is obviously well under control, still say to the owner: "I hope you've got that under control" and go on about how you don't like dogs/are scared of them etc/how people let their dogs mess everywhere etc.

6. After every meal that has been prepared for you, always comment on what was missing from it... don't do this with salt/pepper however, as it could be pointed out that you had the option to add that yourself!

7. Take an instant dislike to new people - it will save time in the long run.

8. Always refer to food you don't like (or have never tried) as being 'nasty foreign muck' which you don't want to eat - no matter where it comes from (even your own country).

9. If you have to pick sides on an argument, always go with the majority... they'll win usually... but if it looks like it's going the otherway, make sure you backpedal and contradict yourself in order to support the other side... ask a politician for details on how to do that.

10. Watch Eastenders regularly... if it mirrors your own life and you agree with what Pauline says most of the time then congratulations - you are a truly a 'Misery'!


Right... I'm off to look for leaves that are blowing about, so I can complain to the neighbours for having deciduous rather than evergreen plants!

G.P. Leader

K-Tel.

Ronco.

Now I expect those names bring back memories for anyone of a certain age (which could cover anyone and everyone though... we are ALL of a certain age!)... but for those who don’t remember... or anyone with a thirst for knowledge of trivia... read on!

K-Tel and Ronco were synonymous with cheap gimmicks and gadgetry, supplying those time-saving, miracle-working items of yesteryear that we were told we couldn’t live without such as ‘home haircutting’ kits, ‘magic’ brushes etc.

Unfortunately for the companies, we found that we COULD live without all that thank you very much, and the whole ‘gizmo’ species nearly became extinct...

That is up until a few years ago, when new strains were discovered, such as JML.

Now we found that we had pans that could cook without oil, miniature steam cleaners, ‘idiot proof’ video timers and a whole range of knives that could cut through practically everything (including your own fingers, tendons and bones!).

However, these ads. were sporadic... you could go nearly a whole day without seeing one!

But then came...

‘Sky’ and ‘Cable Television’!

Yep... as if 5 channels of media detritus wasn’t enough, suddenly our television set became a tardis-like haven for an unbelievable amount of channels, some of which were dedicated specifically to those ‘can’t manage without’ items that again we hadn’t previously been aware that we couldn’t manage without!

If ever you’re bored... or just plain drunk, these channels are great for making the day end quicker!

And they’re educational too: you can learn all about slicing, dicing, chopping, grating, fat burning, muscle toning, body sculpting, beauty enhancing, lifting and separating etc. etc. ad infinitum 24/7!

I had visions of becoming a ‘tv shopaholic’... luckily I’m too tight to part with the money otherwise...

I might have bought a piece of exercise equipment guaranteed to make me into an adonis... but then ruin the effect by buying some high speed culinary doodah for making quick, tasty and high fat snacks in seconds, thus helping me gain those recently shed pounds again...

But not to worry... because another channel would promote ANOTHER piece of exercise equipment, advertised by some American athlete we’ve never heard of (and probably the Americans haven’t either), so I’d buy that... then buy another kitchen gizmo... well, you can see a pattern forming here.

Anyhow... don’t forget you read this story here folks... it is NOT available in the shops, and for just three further payments of £15, you will receive a handsome faux-leather bound folio edition of my literary flotsam and jetsam to enjoy in your own home!

Lightweight, portable, compact, educational and above all fun!

Please note... post & packaging extra... please add £7.50 to your purchase order.

Our operators are waiting to take your call (charged at £1.50 per minute... minimum call time, 5 mins.)

Any luck, some sucker will buy from me, and I too will be able to set up my own television channel and thus inflict yet more tat on the consumers of this septic isle!

Unfortunately, we in Britain have learned a lot of stuff and nonsense about American Culture and History through the mass media, and films (or 'movies') in particular... most of what we know is based on crude stereotypical imagery and embellished semi-fictional biography.

Chapter One -The Journey Begins

America was first discovered in 1942 by Columbo, who was originally looking for India, as he wanted to see what an elephant’s ears looked like – unfortunately, he took a wrong turnoff on the M58 Motorway and ended up in America instead.

He first encountered the inhabitants of America after tea that day; the inhabitants were somewhat taken aback as to being discovered – prior to this, they did not realise they even existed! Naturally embarrassed by their ignorance, each turned bright red, so Columbo decided that henceforth they would be known as Red Indians.

Just before supper, Columbo sat under a cherry tree to read the book his father had given to him as a ‘going away’ present: ‘Pilgrim’s Programme’ by John Bunyip, which his father had written "Go Away" on the inside cover. Suddenly a man with wooden teeth fell out of the tree and landed on him – this was George Washington, proving that gravity was not exclusive to England alone.

“I’d shift if I were you mush” said George, “I’m chopping down this tree in a minute to annoy my father and thus set history in motion”

“I see sir,” said Columbo, “I’ll tell you what I’ll do… I’ll name a city after you… and just one more thing… how much did you pay for those shoes?”

Meanwhile, over the next hill the Dutch were making their own plans: their leader Van der Valk had set up a coffee bar and ‘herbal’ cigarrette shop. He named the place where he lived ‘New Amsterdam’, as he did not know where York was.

Whilst all this was going on, the reigning monarch King George the hundred and eleventh (who was three woofs away from being barking) decided that what this ‘new’ country needed was a decent war to help with its development.

“Mein Gott!” he said in his best cockney accent “Zis vill put dur cet amang dur pigeons, yah?”

Chapter Two - Remember The Alamo!

Tempers began to flare between Van der Valk and Columbo over who was going to open Disneyland and invent baseball, however they both settled their differences over a rootbeer when they heard that the King was sending over ‘one of the big lads’ to sort things out.

That lad was John Wayne.

At first he couldn’t remember where he was meant to be starting the fight, until someone said “remember the Alamo”, which he did, and went there to have a barney.

For the first few days nothing happened, as the invitations had been sent out late, then Columbo and Van Der Valk turned up armed with catapults, spud guns and peashooters.

“A doddle” said John Wayne, as he was a highly experienced war vet. – he had been in the army, navy, cavalry and was also a mean cowboy too!

Unfortunately, as he went to get his horse to go and ‘whup some ass’ someone had stolen it.

“If I don’t get my hoss back” he drawled, “the same thing’ll happen here as happened in Dodge City!”

“I’m afraid it was me took your horse sir… my apologies” said Columbo, “I’ll return it naturally… but just one question… what happened in Dodge City?”

“I had to walk it didn’t I?” said John.

They all decided that they’d start the war after dinner but they needed a good reason to fight; it was decided that it would be about how the word ‘potato’ was pronounced, the name of the war would be ‘DoubleYer-DoubleYer-Too’ and it would start after dinner.

Everyone waited with eager anticipation especially those selling pies, t-shirts and programmes for the event.

Chapter Three - NAM!

Fighting started at 5:15 in the afternoon and carried on well into the evening. At around 10 pm there were complaints from the neighbours, Hiram and Marsha Figgydew, who were trying to sleep... it was requested by Marsha that everyone should 'go and play somewhere else' which everyone heartily agreed with.

It was time for a change...

It was time for Vietnam.

Everyone relocated to the Vietnamese country of Vietnam and again tempers flared... but this time it was done a lot more stylishly, as there was an awesome soundtrack accompanying the violence with such classics as 'All Along The Watchtower' and 'Lily The Pink'.

One question was on everyone's lips: what was the best name to shorten it too - 'Viet' or 'Nam'?

No-one could decide, so it was left up to the history books to write themselves.

It was agreed that everyone taking part in the war was to change his name either to 'Kowalski' or 'Tex' - everyone agreed to this except for one of the grunts called Morrisey.

"Meat is murder" he cried.

It was pointed out to him that he didn't have to eat the enemy, only kill them, so he felt better about this and went off to write a depressing song.

As the only weapons being used were children's toys, things began to get silly - the 14th Spacehopper division beat a hasty retreat when Columbo's Elastic Band Snipers moved in.

It was decided by all that this was all becoming a little too camp, so they decided to 'turn it in'.

A treaty was drawn up which everyone agreed on, even Morrisey. It stated that all men shall have the right to bare their arms.

Sleeves were enthusiastically cast aside and thus the vest was born, much to the joy of Bruce Willis.

Everyone had forgotten about the King with the faux-German accent, who was planning a sequel somewhere...

In the meantime...

THE END

Did you know that the popular search engine 'Google' was running before the internet began?

Here's the history.

1971. Brian Google is in a pub talking with mates... one is stuck as to a crossword answer.

"If only there were some way to find the answer quickly" says the chap.

The next day...

Brian notices that a little girl has been stung by a wasp.

"What to put on it though?" says the girl's distraught mother, "I know that it's either an acid or alkaline substance for a bee, and the other type for a wasp - but which is which?"

Suddenly, our hero is inspired... and goes and buys a house next door to a library.

First he puts an advert in the local newspaper:

'Want to know something? Anything at all? Phone Brian Google - the man with all the answers!'

And when someone rang, he'd nip around to the library and look it up for them.

A couple of years later he brought out a 'Broadband' version... for a few quid a month extra, you could phone his son Terry who actually worked in the library and could get you the info. much quicker.

and just to make sure that the whole thing wasn't foolproof, every now and then, someone from the phone company would come and tamper with the line to stop the system from working effectively.

So there you have it folks!

I swear - it's all true! *

* Please note: Not one word of this is true... just my fevered imagination going into overdrive! 

Whilst at University doing my Nurse Training we had a lecture one time about pain... I thought I'd do my own interpretation suitable for use by we 'Northerers'.

The 'Baxter Northern Pain Scale' (2004)

As many Health Professionals know, within the NHS Pain Scales can be useful tools in assessing how a patient may be affected by the severity of pain in his or her presenting condition.

Of course, to properly understand the needs of the patient, one must be familiar with his/her vocabulary, especially when the patient uses dialectal language excessively.

e.g. "I'm allreet when I'm sut dahn, but I keep having Mazey Bouts when I geet outout cheer"

translation: "Whilst sedentary, I have no negative symptoms, but on rising, I am aware of feeling light-headed/dizzy."

So how does one interpret the severity of pain in a dialectal patient?

The 'Baxter Northern Pain Scale' (2004) is the answer.

Operating on a mild to severe axis (from 'mithered' to 'mauled'), the 'Baxter Northern Pain Scale' (2004) uses the following terminology:

Niggle; Twinge; Sprunge; Throb; Gripe; Warch; Mithered; Mauled.

N.B. although some terms are universal, 'Sprunge' and 'Warch' may be unfamiliar. 'Sprunge' is an ache less in severity than a 'throbbing' sensation, whereas 'Warch' is an archaic term definitive of an ache of somewhat more severity and is commonly applied to severe stomach complaints or 'Belly Warch'.

The pain severity is defined as 'Mithered' (minor pain) to 'Mauled' (extreme pain); 'Mithered' is a term associated with a 'worry' or something bothersome but not a major concern, whereas 'Mauled' (pronounced 'mault') is a more serious term used in the expression "Ah'm mauled t' deeath" ("I have concerns that are not trivial").

Below is the pain scale in visual form.