Humour is of course a personal thing... what one person finds funny another may not.

You might 'get the joke' but think that it is not even worthy of a titter.

Of course, you could be one of those who 'doesn't get it' yet laughs any way (I never do - have to know for sure!).

Here are some silly jokes that I find funny - these are 'clean' gags - I do enjoy some of the more 'risqué' material, but I'm not putting it on here to corrupt you all!

For more jokes and funnies, click here http://com4.runboard.com/bashaftofwit

A snake goes into a pub and the landlord tells him to leave - "I'm not serving you..." says the landlord, "you can't hold yer drink!"

Why do polar bears have fur coats? Because they would look silly in anoraks!

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff

What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it's breath

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile Robin!"

I said to my wife "What do you want for your birthday?", she said "Surprise me" so I went... "Boo!"

Do you know about the invisible man who was married to the invisible woman? The kids were nothing to look at either!

What was the gangster's last words? "Who put that violin in my violin case!"

I'm sick of people talking behind my back... maybe it's time I gave up being a bus driver and got another job!

The other day I was trying to do this jigsaw with a picture of a tiger on the box but I was having no joy - all the pieces looked much the same, and I was getting nowhere! Then my wife came in and said: "you daft beggar - it's a box of Frosties you've got there!"

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

Why do hens lay eggs? Because if they just dropped 'em, they'd break!

Did you hear about the little boy that they named after his father? They called him dad!

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? Phillipe Phelloppe!

What is a dogs favourite school subject? Dog-Ruff-E

My brother's career's in ruins... but it's his own fault for being an archaeologist!

How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? Just one if it's long enough!

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? An animal that can milk itself!

There's this chap walking his dog in the graveyard. "Morning" says a passer by... "No," says the man with the dog, "I'm just taking Rover out for a stroll" (think about it... morning/mourning!)

This penguin goes into a pub... "Have you seen my brother?" he says - "I dunno," says the landlord... "what does he look like?"

So this chap's caught shoplifting in the supermarket, and the Security Guard says "And what do you think you're going to do with that?" - "Mashed potato, peas and gravy" replies the shoplifter.

What do Jack The Ripper and Kermit The Frog Have In Common? Their middle names!

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back to you when you throw it? A Stick!

What's E.T. short for? Because he only has little legs!

What do you call an octopus with no tentacles? Puss!

What can a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs? Shake hands!

A red and a blue ship collided - all the passengers were marooned!

Two of my friends were involved in a bomb scare and a colleague asked "Are they safe?" "No..." I replied, "bombs are dangerous!"

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents!

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions!"

New invention - the microwave bed! Get 8 hours sleep in just 3 minutes!

Stripes are slimming - it's true... when did you ever see an overweight zebra?

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

“Doc” I told him, “I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'”. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” I said: “Is it common?” “Well,” he said, “It's not unusual!”

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van!

Two ducks in the park. One says to the other "Pension Book!" Get it? You will when you retire!

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours - They're both dogs!

The joke about the dog with tin legs - have you heard it? You will when it comes running down your street!

A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Two Cannibals eating a clown... one says "Does this taste funny to you?"

What's white and swings through the jungle on a vine? Tarzan the fridge!

What do you do if an elephant sits in the seat in front of you at the cinema? Miss most of the film!

Did you hear about the ventriloquist that was so bad his lips moved when he wasn't speaking, and when he listened his ears moved!

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth - it took him two hours to pass me the salt!

The customer asked the waiter: "Can you tell me... how exactly do you prepare your chickens?"
"Oh nothing special, sir" came the reply "we just tell them straight out that they’re going to die!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I would never buy pornography... I haven't got a pornograph to play it on!

Why was the scarecrow promoted? For being out standing in his field!

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A white horse goes into 'The White Horse' pub. "Our pub's named after you" says the Landlord. "What," says the horse "your pub's called 'Trevor'?"

I’ve read these many times before: ‘actual questions and answers taken from’... Well, supposedly they’ve come from either an Irish radio quiz show called ‘Just A Minute’ or the U.K.'s ‘Family Fortunes’ television quiz show.

Now, they’ve got to have come from somewhere, and some are so stupid, they just have to be genuine... but I reckon some have definitely been made up.

Either way - get ready to laugh out loud at these gems!

Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon

Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar

What is Hitler's first name? Heil

An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse

Something you wear on a beach? A deck-chair

A famous Royal? Mail

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings

A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

Something a cat does? Goes to the toilet

Something associated with pigs? The Police

Something people might be allergic to? Skiing

Something you put on walls? A roof

Something slippery? A con-man

A food that can be brown or white? A potato

A famous Scotsman? Jock

Something you open other than a door? Your bowels

You'll never go jogging again after reading these! 

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £2,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60 - she is now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is!

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about £200. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there as well to do that!

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body!

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

Often found in 'women's magazines' (you know... 'Take A Break' and suchlike) - often quite bizarre... I remember one that read:

Parents! Don't lose sight of your child at the beach - I always fasten a brightly coloured helium balloon to my son's belt so that I can see wherever he goes without worry.

(Pity the poor child as he parades this bizarre thing around to the mockery of everyone he meets - 'without worry' indeed!)

There are plenty more out there - just pick up a magazine (usually they're left lying around in doctor's surgeries etc.) and have a look - the weird thing is though, at some point you'll read one and exclaim:

"You know... that's actually not a bad idea!"

Anyhow - here are some spoof ones for you to read!

CINEMA GOERS - Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts!

BREAKFAST LOVERS - Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
 
PET OWNERS - Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.

ATTENTION SHANDY DRINKERS - I've found that mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic 'reverse shandy'.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

MOTHERS! Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
 
LADIES... When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere really important afterwards.

GRATED CHEDDAR CHEESE from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.

BUSY EXECUTIVES - Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.

MOTORISTS! Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

BOIL AN EGG to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

These are guaranteed to make you groan*

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Quasimodo ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It ain't yours and it ain't mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

* Well, not really guaranteed at all... but it set the tone, didn't it? 

Well.. they're not really facts are they?

I do find them interesting however!

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

Only in Britain ...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our Rubbish in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the
feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronounciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?