Tired of those stupid bosses that won't give you a raise? Or those nasty bullies that won't stop picking on you at school? Well, when life gives you lemons, use them to squirt lemon juice into the eyes of your enemies.
Work hard and the world is your oyster. Yup, you get a big, snotty oyster-scented world.
Laughter is the best medicine. So if you meet somebody with broken ribs, make sure to tickle them.
Learn the difference between right and wrong. You'll probably choose wrong, but you should at least know which is which.
Every cloud has a silver lining...for example, the most horrible farts can be used to inflate the most beautiful balloons.
You're only as old as you feel. So if you feel like you're 150 years old, you probably are.
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Unless it's about somebody who can't hear you.
Only when you are dating a shark can you say love bites.
Hell will freeze over when pigs fly so no one should ever fly in a plane with a carry-on pig.
The glass is always half empty. I drank the first half two minutes ago.
Down with hurndendurndencubed!
And finally, always remember: You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. But you can choose the insane asylum where you're probably going to have them all put away anyway.
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