Kristen, Our Angel | 11-28-85 to 12-03-03

This is a dedication of letters that I have wrote to my sister. I love her very much, and would like to share with you how I feel, and what I wish to tell her. Her sister, Erika Kay

January 19. 2004

Dear Kristen;

Hey you! You never wrote me back, you know. I waited a long time for a letter. I was beginning to think that you didn't care, or that you forgot. I hope you will forgive me. I know you loved me, even if you had a secret way of showing it. I really miss you.

After your memorial service I was finding myself with a bad heart. I was angry that you died. I wanted to die too, and thought that I would do it too, as a way to get back at the family for letting you kill yourself. Even if they didn't know.

I stiffle my thoughts by finding things to do. I want to stop my mind from racing. No one knows what goes through my head at night when I am waiting the blanket of sleep to come. Some nights, I can just see myself on the floor, surrounded by blood, feeling like you did. Then I see my mom walk in, and force myself to sleep, fearing to one day think about my funeral.

I never told you how much I loved you. Well, you were everything to me in so many ways. You were my courage. I always thought : "Would Kristen be able to do this? Would she yell at me if I do it?"

All that is gone now. I love you. And I want you back, no matter how much people say you'll never come home. I know you will. I love you. Please take away my pain. Come back to me. Please...I miss you.

Waiting for you,

Erika

January 22, 2004

Kristen,

Today's been a good day. I am continuing to recieve college information. There's three that I am looking into. Two more than the other, but three nonetheless, right?

I've been staying busy besides that as well. I will be running for district officer within the next month. (FCCLA) I will also be going to solo and ensamble on the 31st of this month. I am singing an opera. There's so much more, but not enough space to write it.

There will never be enough room to say all the things I never got to say to you. I only wish that I would have told you how much you mean to me and how much I love you.

Some days it seems like I can't take any more pain. I can't think clearly. I guess I am still trying to understand why you chose to do what you did. I'll never know.

You were my love, my sister,

"Oh, how I'm going to miss her,"

is what runs through my head.

I can't accept that you are dead,

"It's not true", I tell myself.

a fading heart, with broken health.

I want you home again someday,

so in my heart you will stay.

Yours forever,

Erika Kay

The "Bird"

I would like to share with you the best memory I had with her. Every time we were together was like being in heaven itself, but his is something I think she would want me to tell you all:

When my Mom had bought me a bird, Tina/Tucker, I was at her house on Fieldbrooke. I was in the kitchen, and it was right after I had slammed her finger in the screen door. (She was so mad at me, but forgave me an hour later). I told her that I had a better memory than she. She, of course, disagreed. So we made a pact that we would never forget one word. We didn’t know what the word would be until my Mom called and asked me if I was ready to come home. When I found out that she wanted me home to see the bird she go, I knew the word, “BIRD”. Most of you know about “the word”, but never knew what it was. It was bird. Every time that we saw each other after that day, we greeted and parted with bird, and I want to give that back to her. I will never forget her as long as I live.

Kristen, I know you can hear me now. I love you, and will always keep you alive in my heart. I wanted to part you in good spirits, and when you left my home, I think I did. You told me to “Take care of that boy, and be safe”. I wish I would have told you that , instead, I told you what I thought was right, I said, “Never forget the Bird”. I love you.

The Bird!

Feb. 17, 2004

Kristen;

Hey! I'm so lonely here without you. I had a friend tell me that she tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. How can I make her stop? I guess you can't tell me either can you, because if you knew you would have found yourself some help...right?

I don't know what to say anymore. People say I should write everything down or talk to a shrink. I don't want to toss my pain and my hurt onto someone else. They care, yeah, but it's my problem.

School is okay, I guess. I give my speech for district officer tomorrow. I hope I get elected president! That would be an awesome experience. Even if I don't get to be president, I would at least like to be a part of the office. I don't care. Anything to stay busy.

There's some things I want to say to you. Things I should have said earlier.

For starters..I love you. That's the one thing I'll never be able to say enough. That and that I miss you. More and more with every passing moment. Hmmm...I don't know how to say this...but you wore those pink bunny slippers I gave you at your memorial service. I was told that you wore them because you had them in your car?

Well, whatever the reason behind that, I was (and still am) happy that you wore those. I know it may seem weird, but it's a good feeling to have, knowing that a part of me (the slippers) will forever be protecting a part of you no one ever got to see (your feet).

Speaking of those...when I was at my contest on Jan. 31st, Asa, Grams, my mom, and I were at some store and guess what I found? The only pair in the entire store. Pink rabbit slippers. We were going to send them to your mom, but I sort of stole them before she got them.

But anyways...there's a few more things I want to say. Thank you being on of them. Thank you for everything you taught me. From how to sneak out a window to how to put together braclets. I will pass those things on to other people in memory of you. With the exception of sneaking out windows. (That can be a rather painful experience as you know.)

Some of the other things I want to say can wait I guess. I'm not sure how to word some of it, and just plain scared to say the rest. Let's save it for another time.

your sister,

Erika

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Feb. 23, 2004

Kristen;

I'm very sorry to have to come to you in a great time or sorrow, but you know how I feel. You know my pain and you know my heart. You are my other half.

A guy from my school died in a car accident Sunday morning. He was with two others. Gary was driving. My school is in so much pain as a whole. It's hard to walk down that hall and not fight the tears.

I'm searching for the words that will comfort my classmates, but my heart seems to be choking my throat. Memories are flooding my head to the point where I can't concentrate on anything but death.

I try not to think of this but I can't fight it any longer. Who's going to die on me next? Kristen... I try so hard to push this question out of my mind but I don't know how. Help me...please help me.

Gary's funeral is tomorrow after the visitations. the visitations are from 2-8pm. I will be going to that probably right after school to give the family support. Gary's sister, Davi, is on of my friends. I want to be there for her.

Again I am sorry to have came to you at such a sad time, but like I said...you're my other half. I miss you so much, and wish you were here to hug me and be my comfort. I love you.

Forever yours,

Erika

One of the last pictures taken of the girls together KD always protected her baby

What a hair do! Toledo Frog Town, 2001

Erika's Drawings of Kristen

This drawing was drawn by Erika in Kristen's memory. Erika did this all free hand from KD's senior picture.

SISTERS,

COUSINS,

FRIENDS FOREVER!

KD & Kay

A Sisters Love

The love that Erika feels for KD will last forever. The best of friends, the love will always stay in her heart. KD is her guardian angel, has been since the day she was born and will be forever watching over her. Erika starts college in a week, and will know that KD will be there for her whenever she needs her to talk, has problems, or just an hug from her angel! The bond will never be broken between "MY" girls, I love them both very much!!!!!

Erika made the design of her memory for KD. This was placed on her shoulder on the

8-20-06.

Her love will live on forever!

Been a while...

November 29th, 2007

Hey Sister;

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written to you, and I am sorry for that, but things have been tough. Anyways, aside from the negatives, I have some good news for you. I think you already know what that is, but I have the need to tell you anyways.

I am pregnant! I know, I know… the baby is prego, way to go huh!? Things happen, and I figure that either way, the baby will be happy and well taken care of. It can be hard at times though, let me tell you that.

When you have life inside of you, I’ll be the first to admit that the first three months were horrible! I was barfing my brains out, and nothing tasted good. I lost a TON of weight during that time, so I am pretty evened out now, which is good.

Now that I am well into my pregnancy, I feel better. Getting up, and getting around is weird, although I’m not waddling yet. Don’t laugh! I know I’ve always been big, but I don’t waddle damnit! Lol

We let your balloons go yesterday, I hope you liked them. They were stubborn, and we weren’t sure if they were going to fly, but you gave them spirit or something, and they went up faster than any other balloon I have seen in my life!

Mike stopped my to see your parents just a little bit ago today. I think it made your mom’s day if anything. You know she has always liked your friends to come and visit. I think it’s awesome that he still comes over. It really shows a true friend doesn’t it?

Okay, I just wanted to chat at you for a little bit. But there is one more thing before I let you go though. I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for letting me know that you were there for me the first day I got here. You know what I’m talking about, but in case you forgot amongst all the mischief I know you are still up to, when I walked into the laundry room, I smelled your perfume. It was awesome, and I knew it was you. Thanks again, sis. I love you.

Wish you were here;

Erika Kay

P.S.

I hope that you like my “bird”. I thought I needed a permanent reminder of our code word. (Good things only we know what that means, huh?)