W.E. Krill, Jr. M.S.P.C.

The first prayer I ever learned was likely ‘Now I lay me”, taught to me by my parents. Through my life, personal prayer has waxed and waned; sometimes waning for years. As a young man in university, I learned through my theological studies of different prayer forms, from the rote prayers like my night prayer, to “keeping the hours” and the art of meditation such as the imagery of St. Ignatius,  to the depth of contemplative prayer.

At this point in my life, all of these prayer forms are fully integrated into my daily life. I use a set of nine classic rote prayers about six times a day, and try to meditate or contemplate at least once a day. I confess that I don’t read Scripture as much as I should (but my friend Brian keeps encouraging me). And it has changed me. I’m not entirely sure that I could be at this point in my prayer life at an age much younger than I am.

There is a great developmental theorist named James Fowler, who discovered by study of many different people in many different major religions, that there are stages of an individual’s faith.  I am apparently at the ‘conjunctive’ stage of faith. This means I’m quite settled in my belief and faith understandings, even when some of them conflict with whatever denomination or place I am at on the spectrum of ‘Christianity’.

Prayer, of course, implies intimacy with God. We can keep that intimacy as trite and impersonal as greeting the same check out lady by name at the WalMart, or move forward in that intimacy to distant observation, like looking at an Impressionist painting and feeling the emotions that vanGogh must have been feeling. Deeper still, we can get to the point where God is a close friend and family member; a person to confide in, find comfort with, or go to with our frustrations and fears.

The next step closer in intimacy is taking God on as close as a lover. But then, many married folks, while being lovers, still operate at  a level of couple  intimacy that is one or more steps below this. The intimacy between married lovers implies an almost magical unity that at the same time is unified, but still autonomous. This is scary stuff indeed. That kind of close intimacy between couples is hard to achieve. Anyone who thinks marriage is not hard work is deluding themselves.

But God offers even more than the kind of intimacy that is achievable in marriage and is represented through the vehicle of sex; God offers genuine, total intimacy. I recall moments (seconds, maybe, or maybe it was hours, who knows) in contemplative prayer when, while centering myself and opening myself, God approached and possessed me. It made the lessons of my theology classes on the Saints who experienced ‘ecstasy’ during prayer real. It is not only a timeless experience, an incredibly intense experience, but one of total and complete love. It is, in a word, overwhelming. So overwhelming, that the ending of the moment of unity, I am sure, was due to my withdrawal.

Don’t withdraw from intimacy. Prayer teaches you to increase your tolerance for it. And it is beautiful and deeply satisfying.