THROUGH WORDS...

me. twisted. and. fun. ever.

MY BLOGS

i'm still here, yeah.it's been awhile. i know.i'll keep up in a few days. i'm like lost now. but i'm still here.i've lost one big hellava chunk in my life, because i saved an ass. this ass, you gotta kill.if you won't, i will.i'll be busy packing out things from the old place. and finally, moving on to somewhere new soon. i loved that place and everyone and everything that went along with it. but eveything has an end, for it, came sooner. this place tagged Alice from DownUnder, will soon be part of some chapter of my life, a life was born there, and a second was formed. it will not be forgotten.i am in the unknown lately, i thought i was holding on to someone's hand but he lost grip, his bones don't work much than mine, i think.i am wandering, but still breathing. for two, again. Sorting and the guy named Ramon, remembered.I've sort out alot of things lately.Because being human, i am entitled to 7000 (says who? ME.) bad decisions/things. And at 24 i have had 6,999 and a half, bad stuff.But they always say, if you don't get something work the way you planned it, there's a better thing right ahead.And i know i wouldn't want to hang on to that cliche, you know. Those who did/does and intends to believe on that saying, are or will be found under their Mom's skirt or someone else's at the age of 42 - 50 (or even younger), still or will be waiting and wailing for that better thing. I can't say trust me, on that, because i might sound bitter, because in all honesty, i'm so not. I listed alot of those so-called bad-decisions-and-the-effect-to-it's just earlier. Not all though, because i don't wanna wet the paper i was scribbling it on. Just some, those really recent. and boi, naughty boi, i was awed to myself.it looked like i was noting a family tree or say, a pyramid of the main thing, having had branches of Pro's and Con's to it. here are some, baby: it's so kinder, but hey..

Work

♥ makes you rich ( oh wait, does it? yeah for a few good days, haha). works your brain. tests your excellence. challenge. you get to learn to spend the money you earn.

┼ turns your world upside down (graveyard shifts). stress. stress. more of those. you'll miss home, where work ain't so needed. relax and chillax becomes slumber. Parental Unit cut a bit of your FarAwayFromHome allowance because you have it - work.

Pot/Fifi/Kix♥ makes you happy. relaxed. trippy. exclusively self loving┼ makes you lazy. makes you hungry (bad for those on Diet, like me!) Sex (pre-marital, ok?)♥ the feeling, of course you know, right? ┼ torn condoms slash pre ejac slash wrong day of rythm slash uh-oh-i-came-inside! leads to a new life who would eventually make bad decisions, too. Pilipinas is over-populated. FYI. Beer ♥ makes you tipsy. i like tipsyness and the height of it. makes you pee a million times (ok, i don't see the good on that, but wait, you get to practice control of the, uhmmm, forget it)┼ calls for another handful of excess fat on the side. makes you sleepy. drunk. unintentioanlly (makes you spell that word, like that or worse!) funny. makes you commit bad decisions even more. makes you forget yourself, work, attitude, everyone or the opposite, whatever that works for you on that level of intoxication. NonCommital Relationships/Exclusivity in Bed Only (which i think only the girls do the part of, yeah yeah bois, whatever!)♥ lonely days get covered. instant chitchat mate. pseudo-bf/gf bliss. and whatever else that comes along with it, positively┼ heartaches. toxic trap. tears. fights. breakdowns -- that leads to fucking up all the rest there is with your life (at that moment) or even after? choice. solid ground, c'mon kit! True Love/unfinished thing with SomeoneYouThinkIsYourTrueLove (or whatever that means)♥ i don't see anything good in this. hmm, ok, maybe it makes you pour the good of your love to someone else? that's in!┼ makes you not commit to another relationship just yet. solemn night evader. dream ripper. tears and unattained sweet hopes. sulky days. cold nights. and the list goes on. Ok, those are just some. And the list goes on, domino falling effect. and 6,999 and a half as a result. O RLY? yeah.And i remember, up there, i am only entitled to 7000 bad things, tsk tsk. i only have half to go and i would consider this 24 years on earth, not so earthy. geeezz.. no room for bad ones anymore for this 105lbs lady pressing the keys! BUT, i'm kinuv not worried, ya know. confident? well, another half of mistake, is a wide chance for me to commit.BECAUSE :I found myself back. Picked it pieces by pieces, dang! i thought i did it with that "special someone" only to realize, i picked myslef all alone, and because of him, that SS, it took time to finally find the last part i was looking for, my heart. That thing that beats to get you going, anytime, anywhere, anytime, EFFECTIVELY. I am not writing to blame anyone. it coul've been anybody, but i choose to put the pointer on ME. As far as my memeory serves me, a good teacher from Makiling told me once : Everywhere you go, whoever you meet, will not affect anything that you want yourself to become. They may be there to test you, to ride along with you in the tides of life, but when he/she is hanging on too tight and is drowning you or if he/she ain't holding on just right enough to fight the waves, it will still be ONLY you who'll paddle back to shore, those people could get lucky if they find themsleves there, too. Every decision you make is an equivalent to a dozen of risks. Everything is a risk.and to everything and anything you want, you should set only two goals in mind : Either to MAKE IT or REALLY MAKE IT. That teacher, that friend, RJ Leyran is one of the best of the Philippines's Film Industry. We may have had rough times, i may have thrown him one of my child tantrums on the train from Bruxelles to Namur in Belgium way years and years back, but i cherished every little yet powerful words he uttered. And at this moment, i know, i see him smiling from up there, knowing that i never really took his words for granted and all is going to take action down here. He was scared of death and he wanted to live more, but at an early age with a mind and determination which was consistent, he was successful, he already MADE IT, even further. So now he is back to where he owed his successful life to. But his shared thoughts, remains. And he wants to be remembered at that. His death doesn't void his being, in the hearts of those who knows him in this chaotic world, lies a visible RJ Leyran. Sir, i'll see you when i get there. and hey, i have learned and still learning. wait til you see, i'll make it, too. *jump jump*

RAMON JOSE "RJ" LEYRANclick here for a few more info's

(the guy with the bubble thought caption: I was a movie and stage actor but i'm now dead) (kissing scene with Joyce J. in Biyaheng Langit)

( Sino ka 'Shua? A Play about Jesus, Rj Leyran being the actor) On stage. In the Movies (international and local). Here, on earth. HE MADE IT. Sniff. Sad to say, it took me the hard way to realize and pick up the pieces that went cluttered for a time, there's no easy to make it anyway. I can't promise that this time around, would come perfect, because nothing is. but this time around, another time to make things better. and when i say it, IT should happen. Eating some of whatever i'm saying is an open probability, but there's still time to either choke it hard and learn from it, or puke it out and totally bury it down the ground. there's no deadline for changing, no deadline as to when i'm gonna make it, no deadlines for me, because everyone hates that. I'm still 24, and there's still alot in life that would come along. But at this point, i'm proud i've come to be this strong, well, mind strong. I can still be wrong in your opinion and point of view, but please, get a life. In the heart, by the way, an event with same name as the above mentioned, is under going construction, but like what that previous blog Footies fit (weeks ago?),it says: still here, but i think i'm gone. because it's paranoia. we all have that, i'm paranoid. you, too. There are gonna be alot of changes in the coming days, I'd be home alone ( Lee, is finally going home to Bacolod and work there, with her brand new car, it pays to give Parents their requests, not yet in time for me, though, to do the part, hehe) and i really wanna blog her GoingHomeSoon and the effect to me, but everytime i start writing, i start to cry. I'd be hunting for a new job. I actually got an offer from Caltex (no, not a gasoline girl), but i declined. it involves travelling, i might miss mickey and minnie so much. lame excuse, but this is me. So you'd probably see me just at home, or right next in line to your neighbor who's applying to the neardby callcenter, yes, again. Just counting the days. I still have enough to keep safe for now, plus the male side of Parental Unit, never stops loving and giving. i lublub my tatay. yeah. Gotta be cautious now. In. any. aspect. I'm not sure if i stressed right on the middle of the point here, but in years, i hope you'd see it clearly. If the confidence blows you away, sorry, i think all should start there. I'm free.

and not selling short. Ok, i'm fine.So so.. How is me? ish me. ish shmee.Not so good lately. Well, I enjoyed indoor soccer last saturday, with the joggings and the stretchings, my nerves almost complained, good thing it still had the residue of the patience it used to have during ballet days. Oh, and how i miss ballet.We had a set of a big 5-round jogging and.. after the third? i wanted to pick up the pieces of my lungs, i thought it dropped. and the coach kept yelling, Coach Kurby: you can slow down, but don't stop!Me : urf! five is here. ( pointing to a cheat point )Coach Kurby : no! five is here. ( pointing to the correct fifth point -- stopping area, where the jog started ) So i kept jogging, slowly. then finally, it all came to the much awaited : stop. phew! and the stretchings? were EZ. eazeh. easeeehh, ok easy baby! i can do this and that. flip and jump. urf, and aaw.. ooh and ahhh. nerves cracked good. really good. i wanted to do it a hundred more times. Very good good round of practice matches. I even had, what they called Time To Shine, when the ball was intentionally kicked from Itos to me for the final goal, a score was dependent on me, and i doubted, so my defense was : (while everybody was hooting for me to kick for goal. go go go keekkkiiiitt!!! waahhh!! go go go)Me : Who? the? wait. ball ( trying to clobber it with my feet safely so noone gets it ) ugh! ITOS!?! where's ITOS!? here, tos!! Then, yes, you're right, i kicked back the ball to Itos, and just denied myself of that moment To Shine. hahaha!! Even before the practice ended, i went off to change. Sprung (huh?) my hair up and had a cigarrette before getting back on the benches to watch some serious futsal match. Oh the BOYS were really good. i mean, they do really good on football! and i just wonder, hmmm, they're good on the court, how bout on the.. before me and Aneliv could finish the thought in our mind, the referree went : Change Court! Anelive and Me on the side : What?!! Jade Court??!!! Coach Kurby almost filpped. hahaha! Then we had four bottles of beer. And i found myself at home, furious.Next, I was at Chapel C on one of the local funeral homes.Then, found myself in Eloi's car, forced to get a seatbelt on by Paolo. I thought i'd die. Though, i wished at that time, yeah! We had amazing drama y'know, in the streets. haha and we had a li'l hate cheer, and i won't tell where because you're gonna tell the cops!! bleh.Next, we were at Eloi's laughing, and feasting over a calendar, vandalizing and totally making fun of whatever we could squeeze out of it, and it is : a man sitting on a beach, alone. literally, on the sea shore. alone. so it's blue and brown, the man was brown, well, he had green shorts, so yeah, our imagintaive minds had it's way to find something funny on it. not to mention seeing a surf board outside the picture, where'd that came from? yeah. i guess, it was all about the Strawberry Cheesecake that Paolo baked. Yummy! hahaha. Blame it on the cake lugar? phew! well, well.. i thought, it made up all the hatred i felt for that day. But not. When i got home, at 6ish in the morning,I had a total breakdown. I cried. like a cow. I will know in time. but for the mean time, all is good. except for Pinini (my P900 phone).She's not showing me anything, but she still sings. ( i memorized the keys to press for muuuseec!) Together with me that saturday, Pinini, was bruised, pained and cracked. I was, too. Plus Miming's (cat) scratches on my arms. *smirk* Ok, i'm fine.