The Ring Two (2005)

~Cast~

Naomi Watts........Rachael Keller

David Dorfman....Aidan Keller

Simon Baker.........Max Rourke

Sissy Spacek..........Evelyn

Directed By...........Hideo Nakata

My Rating:

   Ok...I will sum up my feelings of this movie in four short words. This movie FUCKING SUCKED! I read no reviews prior to seeing it, I saw no clips prior to viewing it, I had no way of judging this movie before except by the trailers and I had been saying it looked like it would probably end up sucking. My prediction was right...Ring Two is the HERETIC of the new millennium, both were great films then both have the god awful sequel that everyone prays will end all the careers of anyone involved. This sequel is beyond pointless and is such an incoherent mess that any kind of mystic the original left has been washed down the drain. The over abundance of CGI, the lack of a gray filter and over use of bright colors, the chemistry between the cast that isn't there at all, ALL OF IT! Just sucked and I hated this movie so much, that I would rather watch a Uwe Boll marathon then watch this drek again! Most of the blame also falls squarely on the idiot director who also directed the original "Ringu 2" for he took away everything Gore did so well. The great detail to symbolism, the gray filter and the ability to pull out cheap scares from his asshole. By the way...the review will contain spoilers so those who give a flying fuck should probably leave.

   It has been 6 months since we last found our heroes making a copy of a video tape and passing it along. Now Rachael and Aidan Keller have moved into a home away from where they lived before. No mention of Noah from the first film but hey, apparently 6 months is enough to forget, forgive and never mention someone again. Everything seems to be going juuustttt peachy when all of a sudden a boy dies in the same fashion as the victims did before. So Rachael finds the tape and burns it but apparently, unlike the original. Samara now is able to haunt and take over little boys without having watched the tape and of course, she wants to be in the body of a 8 year old little shit who looks like he aged 5 years in 6 months. So now Rachael is on the case and goes back to the same locations she went in the last film to do the same snooping she did before only to find out nothing more then she has to drown her idiot son to get rid of Samara for good. Greaaaat plot huh? Glad I had to sit 2 fuckin hours to find that shit out.

   The thing that made the original Ring so scary was the mystery and the fact you had no idea what this was. You cared about the main character and you wanted to find out how to stop it. Now the ring is on the finger of Hideo again and he takes us to a place where that is bright and colorful and lets all the characters we knew and cared for get taken to the bottom of Samaras well. In turn, we get a lifeless turd that tries so desperately to capitalize on the success of the original that it ends up being just pure and utter shit. Nothing really happens in this movie, there is no real terror, no real danger which is why I compare it to The Exorcist II: Heretic for they both are beyond garbage. The Ring Two has no redeeming qualities, it has no good scenes or cheap scares, strong lines of dialogue or even a coherent story line. What is worse is knowing that this movie will make tons of cashola opening weekend and pretty much guarantee a part 3. I swear they can't leave well enough alone, instead, they keep bombarding us with inferior sequels instead of having any aspirations to concoct a new original movie.

   Acting in this waste of celluloid was one of it's downfalls for the chemistry between everyone is now gone. It felt like they were all going to there own accord and no one seemed to be on the same page. Naomi Watts is great to look at but she just couldn't deliver a believable line to save her life in this. She began to act in ONE scene and it literally came out of nowhere...I awoke from my drunken stupor (my sober drunken stupor) and was like "Where the fuck did that come from?" Plus the bitch has a staring problem, your kid scratches shit into the wall then a burning tree emerges onto wall...YOU DON'T FUCKING STARE AND WAIT!! YOU RUN LIKE YOU ARE IN NEW YORK! David Dorfman defied my rule of  "Kids + Horror =Marcus Wanting To Kill Himself"  in "THE RING" but in this lackluster sequel, he proved that it was only a matter of time before he became annoying. Dorfman got on my nerves RIGHT from the get-go with his whole "Thank you Rachael" shtick instead of calling her "Mother" and they go over why but it made him seem so distant. There relationship seemed forced and the smart and charismatic little boy from the first now is replaced with a lifeless drone who repeats the same bullshit and is a DAMIEN of the OMEN series wanna-be. David is now the mythology for no longer is the 7 Day tape part of this movie, it is no where to be seen after the opening 10 minutes and what we are stuck with is David being possessed and it strangely reminded me of GHOSTBUSTERS 2 with that little baby and "The Great Viggo." Horrid. Just horrendous and such a jumbled up, pretentious piece of shit this movie was! I really don't even want to go on with this review to be honest, I just...flat out thought this movie fuckin sucked. So fuck the acting and go to the director who earlier helmed RINGU 2 which this is supposed to be a remake of. Well, after seeing this, it makes me wonder how the hell this series didn't just die off over seas. He took out the good things Gore put in such as the gray filter, added tons of CGI (what the fuck is up with the static appearing behind people now) and just made everything seem so bright and colorful. Very poorly done.

   The gore in this movie is slim to nil but of course, the first Ring didn't have much gore either. We get 2 contorted faces, a drowning, handprints, and I believe that is it. The guys get to see Watts looking hot with 3 layers of clothing on and the Jeffrey Jones, Peewee Herman's and Michael Jackson's of the world can rejoice to the fact that David Dorfman sheds all but boxers and my god did I feel sick. I had to make sure I wasn't watching Jeepers Creepers 3!

   The Ring Two had lots of potential to be a strong horror film but instead drops everything that made the first so scary. It was like an "ELM STREET" movie without nightmares! They spent so much time recapping the original that it makes one realize that yes...every question was answered and there is nothing left to ponder. All of the new information that was told in this seemed forced and I didn't buy it in the slightest. Felt like they were just doing it to make a sequel to get more money. How this could have been a remake is beyond me for I know for a fact that RINGU 2 is good! Horror is yet again dealt a terrifying blow and of course, any horror movie that deserves the recognition tanks but shit like this makes 36 Million opening weekend.

   I say, despite whether or not you loved the first RING, you should just wait for this to come on to TV. Don't bother wasting your time at the theatres to see some piece of shit movie that has nothing going for it aside from a good predecessor. Instead of going with what made the first so scary which was the unknowing mystery, the creepy ass video tape and the shocks that actually worked and worked well, Hideo goes with a bright, colorful and safe movie that neither shocks nor thrills. All it does is make me wonder why the fuck I get hyped up on sequels like this to begin with. And if you are thinking it is just me who is hating this...the theatre was packed and not a single person screamed, jumped or squirmed and when their are  about 6, 8 year olds being silent for 2 hours...you KNOW something is up.

Special Guest Reviewers

George Newman

"One would think that after all of the shit they went through in the first one...they wouldn't be so quick to fill a house with TV or VCR players."

Home